Ask DH about possible -unconfirmed- affair?

[LadyDay98]

Advice, please!

 

DH and I have had a rollercoaster relationship for most of the past 7 years, but things have been pretty good for the past two years. He has been a very honest and trustworthy partner, which is one of the things I love about him. We just had a baby 8 months ago, which killed my libido for the past 6 months. But...

 

...I borrowed his old phone to google something silly, and stumbled across an escort site he accessed while traveling for work a couple months ago. Curious as to what happened, I then looked at his call history on his phone, and saw that all calls from the period he was traveling had been deleted.

 

This, needless to say, made me highly curious. I could have searched his emails, but I didn't want to snoop that much. I really feel like I just need to ask him what happened. I'm afraid that, where there's smoke, there's fire. But I'm hoping I'm wrong.

 

I am also dreading this conversation. I haven't been perfect in the relationship either (I haven't cheated, but I've been the main source of our ups and downs). I don't have any hard evidence that he did indeed cheat. So I'm thinking about just asking him casually, "what did you leave out about your trip?" Hopefully he will answer honestly... I really want to address this and move on to rebuilding my trust in him, and our relationship.

 

So my question for the forum is this: In the absence of hard evidence that he slept with an escort, should I ask him about this? (I feel like I know the answer, just some encouragement and/or alternate views) TIA

[painfullyobvious]

Do not say anything yet. Can you get a hold of the hard copies to his phone bills to see if any escort numbers were called? It is better to gather infirmation for a bit before much evidence otherwise he will be careful and destroy evidence. Secretly begin to monitor his behavior, bank statements, phone bills etc. No matter what you have done the past seven years cheating is never justified

[HermioneG]

When it comes to an affair, or a suspected affair, I suggest not asking a question you do not already know the answer to.

 

He has previously not mentioned the escort website. Do you think he will suddenly be truthful to a vague question?

 

If you suspect an affair, I would investigate it further first, then ask. You do not want to tip your hand and cause your spouse to hide more things. Quietly figure out what is going on, then speak to him.

[Davey L]

Generally advice here seems to be don't ask or accuse as it just leads to more concealment. People here often advise surveillance instead. I personally am not comfortable with the invasion of privacy involved in heavy surveillance unless there's very strong evidence. However I do think there's enough here to justify a bit of snooping such as checking his email and credit card bills etc. If that comes up clean then fine but if it reveals more evidence then maybe increase the level of investigation and dig further. And think carefully what you will do with the information. It's easier to think through your response rationally in advance when it's still hypothetical than it is when faced with the shocking truth.

[oldshirt]

Give some honest, good faith investigating and gather as many facts as you possibly can. Go through emails, Facebook, phone records, bank accounts, car, drawers, any place he may hide things. Hide a voice activated recorder in his car ( wayward spouses often talk to their affair partner while in the car)

 

Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.

 

If you ask and don't know the answer, they will lie or only give trickle truth and then go further under ground and cover their tracks even better.

[petee]

You were off with him? He has needs you don't want to fulfill?

Adding two and two could equal many answers, at least one that you don't want to know.

I'd suggest you 'air' this, but it sounds like you don't REALLY want to know if it did happen. A man has needs, no excuse or anything like that, but he does.

Please, work on what you have left, don't dwell on what may/may not have happened......just get on with it and either change things or go for the jugular.

[BetrayedH]

Confronting serves no purpose but to give up your sources, allow him to hide or permanently delete evidence, coordinate stories with those that know, take things underground.

 

The cheater's handbook say to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. If you get any truth, it will come in a trickle - just confirming what you already know (and maybe one bit more so you think "now" you know everything).

 

You have one chance to get to the truth. Don't blow it. You don't need to prove his cheating to him; he already knows. You just need to prove it to yourself.

 

Play stupid and compliant. You can get a million suggestions on how to get the truth. But resist the urge to confront; you will not get the satiafaction you seek. Liars lie.

[dichotomy]

You have been give some pretty good advise. Do more snooping.

 

If he is no longer using this old cell phone, I suggest you look into ways to retrieve the deleted data on the phone, since I assume you can take it for a while if he is not using it.

[StarChick]

You've gotten some great advice so far. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Verify your information. Trust your intuition. It's there for a reason. *Hugs*

[LadyDay98]

All, many thanks for the advice. I realized that I could actually get to his email yesterday, and discovered that he did contact an escort and schedule a planned tryst. But it looks like she was delayed and they ended up not getting together.

 

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, but really appreciate the advice/comments.

[oldshirt]

All, many thanks for the advice. I realized that I could actually get to his email yesterday, and discovered that he did contact an escort and schedule a planned tryst. But it looks like she was delayed and they ended up not getting together.

 

I'm still trying to wrap my head around this, but really appreciate the advice/comments.

 

 

 

You have some serious issues to address here. You have proof of intent but not of anything actually happening yet. If you dig deeper you may or may not find evidence of any actual contact.

 

 

However the longer you delay acting on this, the greater the likelihood that something will occur.

 

 

You must also realize that if you two have not had any intimacy for over 6 months, that this must be addressed and corrected if you want to have any hope of him not parking his shoes under someone else's bed.

 

 

I'm not placing blame or pointing fingers here, just merely being realistic. It's realistic for a man to realize that a new baby is going to impact a couples sexlife and accept that they won't be swinging from the chandeliers as much as they were before the baby came. However it is unrealistic and unreasonable to expect a man (or anyone for that matter) to just live a life of involuntary celibacy indefinitely after the birth of a child.

[JamesM]

Okay, a different viewpoint.

 

If I read correctly, then he hasn't had an affair. At most (as far as you know), he may have contacted an escort service and planned to meet and didn't.

 

The question is....is this the first time and what was he doing it for?

 

If he never did it before and now actually didn't, do you go after him on intent? And if he did it before but didn't this time, will he confess to past indiscretions (hint: probably not) or simply tell about this one that didn't happen?

 

There is also the possibility (and even probability) that he may regret his actions if it is the first time. On the other hand, if he still wants to, then confronting him now may not change that and cause him to be extra careful.

 

Why would he mention the call to the escort service if you ask if he left anything out? Even someone who regrets the decision would probably not admit to it. It would only cause marital turmoil over something that didn't happen. However, if he plans on doing it again, then he still won't want to admit to it.

 

As you say, you have no hard evidence that anything happened besides emails and phone records. Having said that, the email is fairly good evidence that something would have happened except she cancelled. You simply don't know how he felt after and did he consider another appointment.

 

I honestly can't tell you which way to go. I am very against snooping and spying in a marriage even if the partner is suspected of lying. Yet there are times when one person lies and cheats that the other must find proof to support it. IMO open confrontation with him may be the best way first. Letting him know you know will give a fair chance at being honest and avoiding such stupidity in the future.

 

And six months without sex due to pregnancy is NOT an excuse for him, nor should you give him that.

[oldshirt]

 

And six months without sex due to pregnancy is NOT an excuse for him, nor should you give him that.

 

It's not an excuse for adultery but it is an underlying issue that must be addressed and corrected in order for there to be any hope of any healthy and happy relationship going forward.

 

 

a new baby will have an impact on a couple's intimate life and everyone needs to be prepared for that and to make accomidations for that.

 

 

 

 

However it is unreasonable for the arrival of a baby to END a couples intimate life and expect someone to just live indefinitely without it with no end in sight.

 

 

It would be unrealistic and unreasonable for a guy to expect to continue to be swinging from the chandeliers and having wild monkey sex day in and day out after a baby. But it is just as unrealistic for a woman to think that their sexlife should just end with the new arrival and that he should just suck it up and live with it forever.

 

 

Both parties still need intimacy and closeness and contact following the birth of a child. To have a switch flipped and the lights to go out on a couple's love life with the arrival of baby is not going to work.

 

 

People have to work together to come up with a workable middle ground that will cover the basic needs of everyone.

 

 

a sexless marriage for multiple months on end is dysfunctional, problematic and unreasonable. You can't expect someone to just live with a lack of intimacy for months and months on end without there being some kind of repercussions.

 

 

Banging escorts is NOT an acceptable solution and is a dysfunctional response. however in order to address that dysfunction, the dysfunction of the sexless marriage must be addressed along with it.

[JamesM]

Totally agree, oldshirt.

 

My point is or was...he shouldn't be allowed to use that as an excuse. However, as you state, the lack of intimacy needs to be addressed if the marriage is to be repaired.

[oldshirt]

 

My point is or was...he shouldn't be allowed to use that as an excuse. However, as you state, the lack of intimacy needs to be addressed if the marriage is to be repaired.

 

 

 

And that is a good way to word it.

 

 

I think the thing for the OP (or anyone in that situation) to realize is if you are going to cut someone off of intimacy you will have 4 options to deal with in a matter of time.

 

 

1. deal with that person seeking it elsewhere.

 

 

2. deal with them packing their sht and leaving.

 

 

3. deal with them withdrawing into their own world and not being engaged with home and family life at all. which can include withdrawing to the man-cave permanently, delving into hobbies and buddies etc 24/7 and can also include withdrawing with alcohol, drugs etc)

 

 

4. working out the intimacy issues so that everyone's needs are being met to a livable degree.

 

 

Expecting someone to just suck it up and continue to be engaged and functional in the marriage without any intimacy on an ongoing and indefinite basis is just simply not realistic. Something is always going to give at some point.

 

 

You either have to deal with the intimacy issues and find a workable solution. or deal with infidelity, getting left behind, or having that person withdraw into themselves and living their own separate life under your roof.

 

 

Take your pick.

[Temporarilyinsane]

FYI, as far as surveillance goes there's a website where "hobbyist" go to review "providers" if he's like most people he'll use the same username he uses for everything and it may pop up. A lot of men use these review sites because it's easier to hire the escorts after they have some reviews under their belts because the escorts trust that they aren't cops. I found this out the hard way, good luck to you. For your benefit I hope you don't find anything.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Again I must go against the grain. The stuff is bothering you TODAY, so you should bring it up TODAY.

 

Now, I totally agree with the philosophy of only asking questions you know the answers to, but I don't see any reason not to ask the ones you already know the answer to.

" Hey, were you cruising escort sites?" " And did you delete a bunch of phone records around that time?" And if you get any razzle dazzle, just make him whip out his phone and show you.

 

You'll know if he's lying. And moreover, if you just can't seem to believe him, than that is reason enough for YOU to consider leaving. Sometimes I think we convince ourselves that we NEED to make our FWSs the fall guy. That if the marriage ends, it's because THEY DID IT AGAIN!

 

But if out own hurt is so deep that we simply cannot trust them anymore, then we need to own that, and move on of our own accord.

[iamthebluesgirl]

I asked my husband questions and it led to more questions which he always denied. I feel like it does NO good to ask. If I had it to do over again I would have just not said a damn thing..its hard not to ask when you are dying inside and you want to know.