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Saying goodbye to this board and moving forward :-)


thirtysomethingteen

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thirtysomethingteen

No doubt this will be good news for everyone that I've managed to piss off during my brief tenure here. No hard feelings on my end though - if anything the people who "ripped me a new one" gave me a good taste of what I'd be in for irl if I ever walked down "that" path, so thanks for the eye opener.

 

In regards to my husband he knows far more about MM and this situation than anyone on this forum, and go figure, not only does he not wish to divorce my ass, he actually encouraged me to accept MM's apologies and not cut him out of my life.

 

Not that it matters, but what MM did to upset me was not "sleazy" in the least - just something that hurt my feelings. We resolved it in a really healthy - and completely platonic - way. I opened up and told him I'd been under stress and he told me that they (he AND our mutual friends) are always there for me and suggested some fun things we (meaning the whole group of us) could do to cheer me up. This is one of the reasons why MM is good to have in my life - I used to turn to the bottle in times of stress and he has shown me much healthier (alcohol free) ways of dealing with stress.

 

Once again our wonderful mutual friends have opened my eyes to how important *they* are to me - MM told some of them about how he hurt my feelings and how terrible he felt and they reached out to me to make sure I'm okay and tell me how much they care about me. THAT is a million times more gratifying than some stupid fling could ever be.

 

MM has not made any innappropriate comments in some time and I don't think he'll do it again. Should it ever happen though, I will have a talk with him and put a stop to it (which was my husband's suggestion, fwiw). Honestly the best thing MM could have done in this situation was to tell me how much my *friendship* means to him. Well I have always prided myself on being a damn good friend and friends do not encourage friends to ruin their families and cause emotional harm to their children. So by not keeping things platonic with MM I would not be a very good friend to him at all, and that isn't okay with me at all.

 

My husband and I are working on things and we aren't perfect, but we are completely open and honest with each other, which is huge. And FTR he trusts me in regards to MM, as does my counsellor. Even when I've felt my weakest neither has wavered in their belief that if push came to shove that I'd do the right thing. Yes, I suppose my husband and I are "whacky" but it works for us. :-)

 

Thanks to all of you who gave me a much needed dose of tough love. I wish all the best to everyone here at LS, even those of you who'd like to see me tarred and feathered. :-)

 

xoxo

 

Thirtysomething

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sdrawkcaB ssA
No doubt this will be good news for everyone that I've managed to piss off during my brief tenure here. No hard feelings on my end though - if anything the people who "ripped me a new one" gave me a good taste of what I'd be in for irl if I ever walked down "that" path, so thanks for the eye opener.

 

In regards to my husband he knows far more about MM and this situation than anyone on this forum, and go figure, not only does he not wish to divorce my ass, he actually encouraged me to accept MM's apologies and not cut him out of my life.

 

Not that it matters, but what MM did to upset me was not "sleazy" in the least - just something that hurt my feelings. We resolved it in a really healthy - and completely platonic - way. I opened up and told him I'd been under stress and he told me that they (he AND our mutual friends) are always there for me and suggested some fun things we (meaning the whole group of us) could do to cheer me up. This is one of the reasons why MM is good to have in my life - I used to turn to the bottle in times of stress and he has shown me much healthier (alcohol free) ways of dealing with stress.

 

Once again our wonderful mutual friends have opened my eyes to how important *they* are to me - MM told some of them about how he hurt my feelings and how terrible he felt and they reached out to me to make sure I'm okay and tell me how much they care about me. THAT is a million times more gratifying than some stupid fling could ever be.

 

MM has not made any innappropriate comments in some time and I don't think he'll do it again. Should it ever happen though, I will have a talk with him and put a stop to it (which was my husband's suggestion, fwiw). Honestly the best thing MM could have done in this situation was to tell me how much my *friendship* means to him. Well I have always prided myself on being a damn good friend and friends do not encourage friends to ruin their families and cause emotional harm to their children. So by not keeping things platonic with MM I would not be a very good friend to him at all, and that isn't okay with me at all.

 

My husband and I are working on things and we aren't perfect, but we are completely open and honest with each other, which is huge. And FTR he trusts me in regards to MM, as does my counsellor. Even when I've felt my weakest neither has wavered in their belief that if push came to shove that I'd do the right thing. Yes, I suppose my husband and I are "whacky" but it works for us. :-)

 

Thanks to all of you who gave me a much needed dose of tough love. I wish all the best to everyone here at LS, even those of you who'd like to see me tarred and feathered. :-)

 

xoxo

 

Thirtysomething

 

Gosh, I thought I PO'd some peeps here myself. Since your leaving, you may still be reading responces...

 

Don't feel guilty, I don't. Peeps will judge just because they do. So I purposefully give them all the rope they want, to go hang themselves. Some think my attitude sucks, but it is not an attitude, it is simple honesty. As I am one of them accept me for what I am not what you expect me to say. As each day may bring an open outburst of unfiltered madness. If peeps here can't handle unfiltered honest thoughts, then how can they handle themselves. Do they hide from their thoughts or what?

 

Enjoy your freedom, and openness to express yourself, as many don't and give in to keeping their trap shut. We all know what that does in relationships. Waiting for the pot to boil over just makes a simple issue into a full blown confrontation.

 

Hopefully we'll see some say something other than good riddance.

Edited by sdrawkcaB ssA
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I don't think your being honest about this situation with your husband, your therapist and most importantly yourself.

 

You comment "I told my husband MOST of it" meaning you held back the more damaging stuff so he is still in the dark. You commented that your therapist says MM is a good and healthy friend which means you admitted to an attraction but never crossed the line. If you told the therapist the whole story (at least what you've said here) then that therapist sucks azz, because any friend trying to get into a MW pants isn't a good and healthy friend.

 

You are a speeding train and the tracks stop at the cliff, if you continue with these blinders on and not being honest your going to wreck everything.

 

Its your life, do as you please.

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I don't think your being honest about this situation with your husband, your therapist and most importantly yourself.

 

You comment "I told my husband MOST of it" meaning you held back the more damaging stuff so he is still in the dark. You commented that your therapist says MM is a good and healthy friend which means you admitted to an attraction but never crossed the line. If you told the therapist the whole story (at least what you've said here) then that therapist sucks azz, because any friend trying to get into a MW pants isn't a good and healthy friend.

 

You are a speeding train and the tracks stop at the cliff, if you continue with these blinders on and not being honest your going to wreck everything.

 

Its your life, do as you please.

 

 

I agree with DKT3.

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^ Yeah, me too.

 

But we are wired differently. Maybe in your case this all "works".

 

All I know is that I never asked to join this seedy underbelly of cheaters and have my happiness and my family torn apart by a wayward wife. I loved and respected my XW and was repaid by absolute coldness and cruelty. As so have so many others here. Every story is different, but it's a strange marriage to me if people aren't focusing on the couple and let outside influences and allegiances take over.

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Well I guess her BH is free to do as she has done too then.

 

It will all turn into a fuster cluck in my view, but some people seem to like that. Oh well.

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thirtysomethingteen
Gosh, I thought I PO'd some peeps here myself. Since your leaving, you may still be reading responces...

 

Don't feel guilty, I don't. Peeps will judge just because they do. So I purposefully give them all the rope they want, to go hang themselves. Some think my attitude sucks, but it is not an attitude, it is simple honesty. As I am one of them accept me for what I am not what you expect me to say. As each day may bring an open outburst of unfiltered madness. If peeps here can't handle unfiltered honest thoughts, then how can they handle themselves. Do they hide from their thoughts or what?

 

Enjoy your freedom, and openness to express yourself, as many don't and give in to keeping their trap shut. We all know what that does in relationships. Waiting for the pot to boil over just makes a simple issue into a full blown confrontation.

 

Hopefully we'll see some say something other than good riddance.

 

Thanks for your kind words. :-) I am reading responses to this thread, just probably won't be around after this. I hear what you're saying about needing to express oneself or "boil over" later.

 

This above is along the same lines as why my therapist doesn't think cutting ties with MM is going to solve anything - it would just be running away and possibly straight into some other guy and the cycle will just perpetuate itself. My husband agrees - sure I could find another group of friends but then it might be some different guy hitting on me - in the end the responsibility is all on me.

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Cutting ties with the MM is showing a boundary.

 

I am concerned for you that you are under the care of a therapist that views setting a healthy boundary as running away.

 

Regardless of the fear that there will be others- which you can stop by being forceful and clear in your boundaries, I am not sure what value there is- at all- by remaining connected to a man who thought so little of you, your morals, and your devotion to your spouse that he thought you would be into an extramarital relationship. It's not a compliment. You should be mad- and slam the door on that relationship forever.

 

Good luck to you. I hope you reconsider your current therapist. You need better guidance than that. You deserve better.

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thirtysomethingteen
I don't think your being honest about this situation with your husband, your therapist and most importantly yourself.

 

You comment "I told my husband MOST of it" meaning you held back the more damaging stuff so he is still in the dark. You commented that your therapist says MM is a good and healthy friend which means you admitted to an attraction but never crossed the line. If you told the therapist the whole story (at least what you've said here) then that therapist sucks azz, because any friend trying to get into a MW pants isn't a good and healthy friend.

 

You are a speeding train and the tracks stop at the cliff, if you continue with these blinders on and not being honest your going to wreck everything.

 

Its your life, do as you please.

 

Thank you DKT3, honestly. Even though you may not tell me what I want to hear know that I very much value your opinion. You seem very wise and very objective - it's crystal clear that you are trying to help and are not just venting anger like some posters on LS (which is their right). Believe it or not I thought of you when MM and I were back to being friends in under 3 hours - I imagined you probably saw that coming a mile away.

 

I hear you about telling the truth and will tell you some truth right here: my husband said something to me the same day I had the spat with MM (after he'd already told me to forgive him and after I'd already done so) that made me realize that he thought my spat had been with that entire group of friends when it was really just with MM (we were both at work when I was relaying the incident so I guess wires got crossed). Of course that realization did not sit well with me because that means he thinks I was messaging back and forth with all of them, when really it was just with MM. Still not sure if I should correct him - the topic is awkward and sometimes I think he'd just as soon keep minutae like that to myself.

 

In regards to the therapist - yes I have told her everything, even something I haven't shared here or with my husband. Nothing earthshattering, just a dumb one line comment I overheard MM make about me (yes it was a sexual comment). I just rolled my eyes but my therapist was kinda shocked.

 

She knows about the sexual comments MM made and says that he is "way out of line" but says that whatever his issue is (and she says it is clear he has issues) it is not my problem and if I make my boundaries clear to him he'll knock it off (husband thinks so too).

 

I know that I gave to be very careful about all this and keep my eyes and ears open as well as be prepared to be very clear on boundaries should anything like this occur again (which I don't think will happen).

 

Thanks again DKT3.

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Thanks for your kind words. :-) I am reading responses to this thread, just probably won't be around after this. I hear what you're saying about needing to express oneself or "boil over" later.

 

This above is along the same lines as why my therapist doesn't think cutting ties with MM is going to solve anything - it would just be running away and possibly straight into some other guy and the cycle will just perpetuate itself. My husband agrees - sure I could find another group of friends but then it might be some different guy hitting on me - in the end the responsibility is all on me.

 

Wow, I just wish you could step outside of your emotions and read what your saying here. This is big time affair fog. This guy is not your friend PERIOD. Would you feel the same way if your husband had a female trying to get him in the sack?

 

And your husband, it reminds me of a standup routine lovin and I went to years ago. The guy was talking about his wife having an affair and getting made because he wasn't mad she was doing it. She went on and on when he finally said shut up and sit down, I'm not mad because it free me up to spend more time with my girlfriend, why the hell would I try to stop you.

 

You talk about not running away, isn't that what your doing now? Here?

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Thank you DKT3, honestly. Even though you may not tell me what I want to hear know that I very much value your opinion. You seem very wise and very objective - it's crystal clear that you are trying to help and are not just venting anger like some posters on LS (which is their right). Believe it or not I thought of you when MM and I were back to being friends in under 3 hours - I imagined you probably saw that coming a mile away.

 

I hear you about telling the truth and will tell you some truth right here: my husband said something to me the same day I had the spat with MM (after he'd already told me to forgive him and after I'd already done so) that made me realize that he thought my spat had been with that entire group of friends when it was really just with MM (we were both at work when I was relaying the incident so I guess wires got crossed). Of course that realization did not sit well with me because that means he thinks I was messaging back and forth with all of them, when really it was just with MM. Still not sure if I should correct him - the topic is awkward and sometimes I think he'd just as soon keep minutae like that to myself.

 

In regards to the therapist - yes I have told her everything, even something I haven't shared here or with my husband. Nothing earthshattering, just a dumb one line comment I overheard MM make about me (yes it was a sexual comment). I just rolled my eyes but my therapist was kinda shocked.

 

She knows about the sexual comments MM made and says that he is "way out of line" but says that whatever his issue is (and she says it is clear he has issues) it is not my problem and if I make my boundaries clear to him he'll knock it off (husband thinks so too).

 

I know that I gave to be very careful about all this and keep my eyes and ears open as well as be prepared to be very clear on boundaries should anything like this occur again (which I don't think will happen).

 

Thanks again DKT3.

 

The MM wants to have sex with you and has made it clear. You are emotionally invested in him that is also clear. So how do you honestly think you can play the role of "friend"? This guy is no different then a man crawling in your window and planting a bomb in your living room. He is trying to blow your family up.

 

How do you see this ending? Your continued EA and having a happy marriage? Not possible. The most invested you become the more distance between you and your husband. At some point you WILL end up sleeping with this guy. Don't give me the whole "no, we could have already" you will. Then what? He leaves his wife you leave your husband and live happily ever after?

 

Most likely ending, you aide him in blowing up your family he beds you a few times then you realize he isn't going to leave his wife. Your husband moves on with some 28 years hottie, and you spend half the time with your kids, the other half think WTF just happened and how you could risk it all on this jac kass.

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whichwayisup

All I will say is, don't have MM in your life anymore, not even casually. Respectfully, your H loves you, has given you a second chance. Don't go bonding or spending time with MM. You shouldn't 'want' MM in your life anyway since you had an A with him.

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As long as two spouses are completely open honest with each other about it - and they both agree its ok and what the rule are - they can involve anyone in their life they wish. Not for me to judge any type of agreements between married people.

 

If they are completely open and honest ....

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