WH infidelity - I want to contact OW

[DefyingGravity]

Hello all,

 

Three months ago, I discovered my WH was having an EA with an ex-girlfriend. The moment I found out, he told her it was over; he gave me his passwords, etc... and he began IC. He and the ex-girlfriend dated about 10-years ago. We have been married for 4 years.

 

About a week ago, I discovered through phone records, that there was possibly another OW #2; lots of text and phone calls between WH and OW #2. They also regularly communicated on Facebook and there was one entry where she asked him to meet her out-of-state. She lives in state A; he lives in state C. She wanted them to meet up in state B. They live about 4 hours apart. WH vehemently denies any involvement with OW #2. He claims that they are old friends (a 15-year friendship) and that all of their conversations were innocent, yet, I never knew of her; yet they talked 3-4 times a day, and they texted 10-12 times a day for roughly 12 months. They had a few conversations about me in their text messages, and it was always by my first initial - for instance, if my name were Jane, WH would say something like, "J got a new job".

 

Two weeks ago, I saw an email that WH husband sent to her stating that she wouldn't hear from him for a while because he is trying to work on his marriage and that "it was nothing you've done".

 

I need to know the truth and I know in my gut that he isn't telling me.

 

I have the contact information for OW #2 and want to contact her to see if she will tell me anything. Should I contact her?

 

I would appreciate any feedback from LS. Thank you all in advance.

[oldshirt]

 

Two weeks ago, I saw an email that WH husband sent to her stating that she wouldn't hear from him for a while because he is trying to work on his marriage and that "it was nothing you've done".

 

 

 

 

What were his exact words?

 

"Good luck with everything but we won't be able to keep in touch any more because I need to be present in my marriage..."

 

Has a different meaning than, " you won't hear from me for awhile cause I'm trying to work on my marriage...."

 

using the term "a while" means, 'I need to go lay low temporarily untill she stops snooping through my phone and email."

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

First thing I am a man, but do see things somewhat different, so with all that said... What do you want??? It is not a question for you to answer just to bring up what you expect.

 

As for contacting anyone... you already have enough info to feel complete loss in trust. It is not about adding to the fire, it is accepting your H is a womanizer or dropping him and moving on.

 

I think you want to know everything, but do you??? again it is for you to think about.

 

To me you probably feel inadequate and are taking this harshly against yourself. To add insult to injury just makes the wounds deeper IMO.

 

Just hope you don't allow this to damage your trust in men. It is not men in general, it is the man that came into your life.

[ComingInHot]

First, I am so sorry you've joined a club no one wants to be in. Second, if and when you try to speak with or communicate with OW/OWs, be prepared for:

1. Her or them wanting NOT to talk to you

2. Her or them telling you the truth from their perspective

3. Her or them telling you lies

4. Her or them telling you half truths and half lies

5. You finding out more than you are prepared for because your WH is LYING & half truthing (is that a word?) YOU TOO

 

At the end of all of this, you will determine what you think is true and what you think is untrue and it will still all suck. I am truly sorry with you.

CIH*

[DefyingGravity]

Thanks for all of your comments.

 

As I said, I feel I already know the truth - gut instinct. I just want to know everything before I walk away. i could try to work through WH's first EA, but if there is another (which I suspect there is), I can't live or accept both.

 

I just have the need to know 100% truth and hope by contacting the OW, she would shed some light

[oldshirt]

Thanks for all of your comments.

 

As I said, I feel I already know the truth - gut instinct. I just want to know everything before I walk away. i could try to work through WH's first EA, but if there is another (which I suspect there is), I can't live or accept both.

 

I just have the need to know 100% truth and hope by contacting the OW, she would shed some light

 

She may not tell you the truth but your gut will tell you the truth by how she reacts to the questions.

[jm2013]

Thanks for all of your comments.

 

As I said, I feel I already know the truth - gut instinct. I just want to know everything before I walk away. i could try to work through WH's first EA, but if there is another (which I suspect there is), I can't live or accept both.

 

I just have the need to know 100% truth and hope by contacting the OW, she would shed some light

 

What makes you think it was left only at an EA that never turned into a PA? It's extremely hard to get the complete truth. I'm a year out and I'm still fishing for the truth. And more than likely if you contact the OW you'll run into the same wall. They won't give you the truth you desire. If I were you I'd find out if they're married or not. You should also tinker with the idea of having your husband submit to a polygraph to see if you'd be able to get more information about his affairs. Sorry you're going through this.

[RightThere]

I'm a bit confused. Timing wise, was he still communicating and trying to set up a meeting with OW#2 in the past 3 months since you found out about OW#1?

 

Does he know you've seen the communication with OW#2?

 

Overall, it seems really fishy to me too that you've been post D-Day for 3 months and only just recently he told OW#2 he wouldn't be communicating with her for a bit.

 

Although it's not much to go on, I may want to confront your husband with this first and see if he spills the beans. If not, you could contact the OW#2, but I doubt she would give you much information as sounds like they're trying to push it back underground so she'd be loyal to your husband to pretend there was nothing.

 

Sorry to hear it. Affairs are bad enough. But serial cheaters and trickle truth will drive you further into madness.

[BetrayedH]

Sometimes you glean a new piece of information you didn't have before. More commonly, you're still just left now knowing what to believe. In most cases, I say you have little to lose. Just don't count on it being fruitful.

 

If I had any advice, it would be to keep your conversation polite and respectful. In some cases the OW is remorseful but fearful of conflict. Just let her know that all you want is the truth so you can make an informed decision. If she thinks you're going to be a wackjob, she'll either clam up or lie out of damage control. Give her nothing to fear.

[Scorpio Chick]

I would first meet with a divorce attorney. He is a serial cheater and gives only a crap about himself. Calmy get as much info as possible, THEN calmly meet with your cheating husband and tell him he has 24 hours to cut all ties with however many sidechicks he has, and you get the proof and let him know you already met with an attorney. He also, if youre interested in working with him, has to sign up with a marriage counselor with you. If your ddemands arent met, youll see him in divorce court. And, HE moves out, not you, while its pending. In other words, play hard ball.

[DefyingGravity]

I'm a bit confused. Timing wise, was he still communicating and trying to set up a meeting with OW#2 in the past 3 months since you found out about OW#1?/QUOTE]

 

He doesn't know that I've seen the Facebook communication and email with OW #2. He only know that I have the phone records showing all the text and phone calls between them.

 

I have to agree, it seems fishy to me as well, that it took him post D-Day (3 months) to tell OW #2 that he wouldn't be communicating with her. I also find it fishy that he told her that he was working on his marriage had nothing to do with her. If nothing happened between them (as he claims) why would he have the need to tell her that?

 

I have confronted him with all the text messages and phone calls, but he swears it was not romantic. I get frustrated - I end up feeling as if something is wrong with me. Am I paranoid; am I making more of this than it really is?

 

I feel if I contact her, she may be helpful

[the_artist_1970]

So sorry you have to go through this. I know how you feel right now. You are thinking that by contacting the OW you will at least get the truth. After all, that's all we want as BS is the truth. Unfortunately you are dealing with two ppl who are dishonest and getting the truth from two liars is like solving the problems in the Middle East. You, probably like me are a very honest person who could not imagine why your WS would lie to you. Well, cheaters lie. It's the sad reality. We are six years out from DDay and the day I found out was the worse day of my life. I did call the xow and she gave me one sentence. I quote "yes, I f***ed your husband and he loved it." Yep, she was a real class act.

 

I told my DH the only way that we could rebuild was if he told me ALL of the truth. He told me everything, and I do mean everything (gag). The truth came from the man I loved more than anything, the man whom I had been M to for over 15 years, the man I trusted before his A. The total truth can only come from your DH. Most times the OW has some kind of blind faith in the WS and they will lie for them or tell you to take it up with your DH because he is your problem. The mind of a cheater and the AP is full of affair fog and one that I could never understand to this day.

 

Now is the time to let your DH know that you need the truth from him. Please don't subject yourself to the OW because you will never understand the mindset of a woman who cheats with a MM. They are wired differently. I have spent years on message boards for the OW and reading articles and their mindset is still one that I will never understand. Your DH owes you the truth.

 

We have successfully rebuilt a marriage that is beautiful and my DH worked his tail feather off to repair himself and our marriage. Sit your DH down and tell him how important it is for you to have the truth about the person you married no matter how bad it is.

 

Good luck .

Edited September 25, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RightThere]

I have to agree, it seems fishy to me as well, that it took him post D-Day (3 months) to tell OW #2 that he wouldn't be communicating with her. I also find it fishy that he told her that he was working on his marriage had nothing to do with her. If nothing happened between them (as he claims) why would he have the need to tell her that?

 

I have confronted him with all the text messages and phone calls, but he swears it was not romantic. I get frustrated - I end up feeling as if something is wrong with me. Am I paranoid; am I making more of this than it really is?

 

I suspect he said it "has nothing to do with you" because it was an emotional affair. Nothing physical yet and they don't think there was anything wrong with their communication. The in person meeting is concerning because it was either an attempt to become physical, or really strengthen their emotional affair.

 

And he says "it was not romantic" because he probably didn't sleep with her. He just has no idea he was crossing a boundary emotionally with her. And that's not being paranoid. The facts are right infront of you.

 

Good luck if you choose to contact the OW#2. I would suspect she'll be stand off-ish so don't be confrontational. I can tell you from experience any contact I ever had with the OM did not give me anything useful.

[goodyblue]

You may not want to hear from me as I was OW for a while. His ex wife contacted me one time. I was not rude, i just said nothing. I literally sat there silent while she railed on me. Had she been calm i still would have divulged nothing. I don't think it will do you any good to contact OW. We had discussed what to do if it ever happened and your WS probably discussed it as well. That being said, if you are adamant, don't be antagonistic. It will rankle her and she will get defensive. I am of the opinion that the only time OW talk to BS is when they have been thrown under the bus by WS.

 

Hope you get the answers you need. X

[2sunny]

You believe your H had 2 OW now and you need truth?

 

I doubt you'll get that.

 

 

It's an unlikely expectation - do you plan to stay with him knowing this is who he is?

[HereNorThere]

I don't think anything you uncover will do anything to make you feel better. You already know enough to know there isn't anything that could make this situation better. One affair is acceptable, but two isn't? I think it's more likely that one affair isn't acceptable either and you just have a desire to know more about what who your husband really is.

 

Until you let go and rebuild your life, you will always wonder what the truth is. You obviously can't trust your husband to tell you, so the best thing is just to accept that the worst that could possibly happen already happened. Whether it was one person or 20 people, it's unacceptable and you won't rest until you make it right by letting him go.

[pteromom]

Thanks for all of your comments.

 

As I said, I feel I already know the truth - gut instinct. I just want to know everything before I walk away.

 

If you are already planning on walking away, then you have nothing to lose by talking to her.

[Spark1111]

You believe your H had 2 OW now and you need truth?

 

I doubt you'll get that.

 

 

It's an unlikely expectation - do you plan to stay with him knowing this is who he is?

 

Contact her! WTH do you have to lose??????

 

Absolutely nothing!

 

Kindly calmly ask her why you knew nothing of her existence yet your H f'd you.....FILL in the blank and NEVER told you he was unhappy while you two planned a future trip, hosted holidays, etc.

 

don't accuse....just gather information.

 

then tell her that unfortunately, while you didn't know your marriage needed working on, how badly did he portray it to her?

 

lastly, when you have garnered all the info she dares to share, you must then tell her she was not the only....ahem....friendship with a woman unknown to you. You've discovered others he was hoping to meet up with in this poor, loveless, marriage you never knew about.

 

She deserves to know she was not the only one and only.

 

Then call OW1 and inform her of OW2. She deserves to know this too.

 

Then blow him out of the water with exposing all the women he was talking to, complaining of a marriage to not you, and planning to meet them.

 

If you do not expose his actions to them, he is free to re contact them after you throw him out.

 

Good luck to you.

[nightmare01]

I think getting the full true story is really only important if you are going to stay in the M. If you've already decided to leave, then why bother. You know he had an affair that that's a deal breaker for you. Serve him D papers and put him in your rear view mirror as soon as possible.

 

But if you are still considering staying in the M, then IMO it's important to get the full truth from your WH. If you stay you need to KNOW just who your WH really is, and what he's capable of. You need to do a risk appraisal regarding your WH, will he cheat again? You also need to learn the truth of what your M was. Lying denies you knowledge that you need to make accurate and good choices for yourself.

 

Those who lie do so to control us. They want to do what they will and suffer no consequences, and so they force us to live a lie.

 

If you are even teetering on whether or not you should D your WH, then you need the complete truth so you can make your decision.

[whichwayisup]

I'm a bit confused. Timing wise, was he still communicating and trying to set up a meeting with OW#2 in the past 3 months since you found out about OW#1?/QUOTE]

 

He doesn't know that I've seen the Facebook communication and email with OW #2. He only know that I have the phone records showing all the text and phone calls between them.

 

I have to agree, it seems fishy to me as well, that it took him post D-Day (3 months) to tell OW #2 that he wouldn't be communicating with her. I also find it fishy that he told her that he was working on his marriage had nothing to do with her. If nothing happened between them (as he claims) why would he have the need to tell her that?

 

I have confronted him with all the text messages and phone calls, but he swears it was not romantic. I get frustrated - I end up feeling as if something is wrong with me. Am I paranoid; am I making more of this than it really is?

 

I feel if I contact her, she may be helpful

 

Whether or not he is having an EA, or full on affair with her doesn't matter. You gave him a second chance and he's chosen to have an inappropriate friendship with yet another OW behind your back, all the meanwhile he is blowing his second chance with you. He seems extremely selfish and isn't focusing on reconnecting with you. He's choosing to seek attention elsewhere!

 

Listen to your gut. Call her and confirm this. Just be ready for a follow through, if you are done with your H after this, kick him out and file for divorce.

[DefyingGravity]

Listen to your gut. Call her and confirm this. Just be ready for a follow through, if you are done with your H after this, kick him out and file for divorce.

 

Thank you all so much for your advice. It is really appreciated.

 

Yes, I will call her and confirm. As Spark 111 said, I have nothing to lose. I don't want to say the wrong thing and ruin any chance if she is willing to provide me with any information. I have to figure out the right words to say to her (via email)

 

I feel like I am being naive; as if I can't see the forest for the trees. But all the while, I know what my gut is screaming. He carried on a 12-month phone/text r'ship with a female he has known for 15-years and not once did I ever hear of her. He kept her private and hidden just like he did OW #1.

 

He has introduced me to his other female friends; invited them to our wedding, and we've spent holidays with some of them.

 

I can't believe I'm going thru this Hell again!! I'm scared and sick to my stomach

[DefyingGravity]

Hope you get the answers you need. X

 

Goodyblue, thank you for your reply.

 

As you were the OW, is there anything at all that the wife could have said to you which would have prompted you to answer her questions? I'm wondering if she will even acknowledge my email.

 

Again, thanks

[SusiePie]

I'm so sorry for you Defying Gravity.

 

I was the OW and received an email from his wife. I wanted to tell her everything because she clearly did not have a clue that he was a chronic cheater. She is only 28 and a wonderful person, she deserves better and has a great chance of starting over.

 

The problem is - I feel loyalty to him AND my life is none of her business and what our "affair" was is my life - even if it is her husband.

 

I was tempted to tell her way more than I should have but didn't. I wanted to scream WAKE UP to her and tell her to run to the doctor for a full std panel. He was constantly on the prowl for random sex with anyone and he didn't care about a person's sexual history.

 

She sent me a tearful sad email saying she wasn't mad at me and that she caught him last summer inappropriately texting. She forgave him and they went to counseling. She said she wanted to know if he had a lot of girlfriends to their house. She also gave me a quick rundown of her hardships since she had to leave him when she found out about someone else. She also sounds very codependent and like she enables him, gave him a break, wasn't really his fault. they sound made for each other actually and I cannot believe what dumbass he is - quality women who will put up with him (sans cheating) are not a dime a dozen.

 

I told her as little as possible, I could feel her pain severely through her typed words. He told me he was separated (he wasn't) and that I met him on a dating site. I didn't give sexual details, just that he was charming. We spoke regularly for almost a year and did sexual things. Mostly I just imagined how much details would kill her so I avoided them - and I was definitely not the most involved of his women, maybe just the longest? Most emotionally intimate? No idea.

 

I don't think my post was helpful. Just sharing. I was mortified over her pain and didn't know what to do. I am guilty but with his behavior there are never enough women and he's be chasing conquests with or without me. I hope she knows that.

[goodyblue]

Goodyblue, thank you for your reply.

 

As you were the OW, is there anything at all that the wife could have said to you which would have prompted you to answer her questions? I'm wondering if she will even acknowledge my email.

 

Again, thanks

 

Defying, I honestly don't think anything she did would have made me answer. I would refer her to her Husband as my heart was/is with him. Most OW feel that way, which really is unfair to BS, but we are their lover, their confidant, their best friend, their support system (or that is how they make us feel).

 

 

I think if your husband has ended it with her then she may talk. If you are calm.

 

If you are intent on it, you really have nothing to lose. I will be perfectly honest and tell you that I hated that we began as an affair but for very selfish reasons. It is only the last few months I am seeing the damage it has done her. He and I have been in therapy to heal and forgive ourselves, she won't go and she really does need IC. I am afraid she will be one of the angry bitter ones who drinks herself to death in her parents basement. She was an alcoholic to begin with but the bitter part, I was part of causing. I hate that.

 

Anyway, I truly do hope that you get whatever it is that you need to heal.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Another F-OW weighing in... I'd say you can contact her if you think it'd give you peace of mind or understanding, but to not expect much.

 

After our d-day, I was cornered by his wife, actually with him in the room too... She asked me a ton of questions, I didn't answer. In fact, he I think was waiting for me to say something in his or our defense, but I didn't. My loyalty was to him, so I wasn't about to answer her questions and I didn't say anything on our mutual behalf for pretty much the same reason. I knew if I said something we'd both be in the soup even more, so I said nothing. Same with an immediately after d-day phone call where he had me on speaker with her listening to hear the breakup. Didn't say a word beyond "ok."

 

Later on, his wife's mother emailed me, trying to get information. I did reply to her, but with nothing overly incriminating beyond what was already common knowledge. When she kept pushing, I finally sent a final email that said it was a situation that involved his wife, him, and myself, not her family. She sent me something angry after which I didn't reply to and then she resorted to trying to get a response on social media (Twitter) and a forum I was on. I didn't bite.

 

The only time I did share anything was when it was one of the times I thought he was done and leaving and I thought that by withholding how we felt she'd continue to try to reconcile. Then I gave her a lot of frank information in the hopes that she'd finally get that we were serious, this wasn't a fling, and we were really committed. It backfired and she just hung on tighter.

 

After that, I answered nothing to her, her family, his family, her friends, even to this day. I'm a vault on everything I did, he did, and she did during that period, sharing only bits and pieces here because of the anonymity.

 

I think if it is that important to know, you should try, but I think that you should understand even if it's nothing, her loyalty will still lie with your husband and she won't do anything to throw him under the bus. I think maybe exploring how you can get closure internally, or through conversations with your husband, may be ultimately the most satisfying.