Wife cheated, got pregnant, had abortion.

[HurtHusband]

Hello,

 

We are 36 and 34, have been together 13 years and have two wonderful young daughters who we both love. My wife had a short affair ( less than 2 months) with a womanizing manipulator who was my friend also by the way. He tried to turn her against me, and at the same time encouraged me to flirt/have affairs with other women ( I didn't) anyway my wife quickly woke up and realized he was a scumbag.

 

She confessed the affair to me. Unfortunately they didn't use protection and she got pregnant. She has had an abortion. He told her to f*^k off and have the child, or to pretend it's my child! ( nice guy eh..he is married with one child.. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage who he has no contact with. Also according to my wife, 5 women who he has had relationships with ended up having to have abortions. He portrays himself as a victim of family courts etc. in order to get sympathy, but in reality he seems seriously damaged and his behavior is reckless and abhorrent )

 

 

After my wife confessed, I said I want us to build a new relationship and to be open and honest with each other, to talk more and also spend more time together. We also became intimate again.. I think I went through the 'hysterical bonding' phase..your angry but at the same time, being intimate is the only thing that feels real. It's the first time my wife cheated, I know it wasn't just about sex for her..in fairness he is a dangerous manipulator and he knew personal details about us as I trusted him and thought he was my friend.

 

Of course I am hurt and feel betrayed but I also love our children and if we can build a better relationship and get past this incident than I want to....

 

It's hard for me to fathom my wife's ideas about intimacy..she is reluctantly intimate with me. We did not have sex for almost three yrs, since our youngest child was born,

 

( I wanted to..but she was always tired or there was some other excuse..we were intimate and I accepted this, of course I felt unloved and sad, I don't think she considered my needs )

 

than suddenly a month ago she produced some baby oil and wanted to have sex..this was a week before she confessed..seems like she was going to pretend that I was the father but must have had a change of heart..still it shocks me that she would even consider something like that...

 

She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say. If she was physically incapable of sex I might understand but I want to love my wife and do not want to have to resort to having affairs to satisfy my physical needs....

 

Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself.

 

It's painful and depressing but I am coming to the realization that my wife DOES NOT love me, she can't possibly love me if she acts like this...I work 2~3 jobs, am a total hands on dad, we go out every weekend as a family, I pay all the bills and look after my family.

 

In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce.

 

All of this is very hard to deal with, I have had to go to work and just put my feelings aside. Things are normal at home and my wife can just carry on like nothing happened..but for me this is all crazy and I am dealing with all this **** in my head. I will do anything for my kids and family, but I think I am being treated like a fool and this is much harder to accept...

[Priv]

In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce.

 

Well, how bad can that be.

 

 

On the one hand you can stay (never going to happen, this is an unsustainable situation), and live unhappily ever after with a wife who does not love you, does not sleep with you unless she wants to make you believe you are raising your own child, and has affairs. And most of all, has no inclination to work on things.

 

 

On the other hand there is divorce. You spend the next year or 2 getting back on your feet and get into the groove of things, find yourself someone decent who would never ever consider letting you unknowingly raise someone else's child and live happily ever after.

[atreides]

He tried to turn her against me, and at the same time encouraged me to flirt/have affairs with other women ( I didn't) anyway my wife quickly woke up and realized he was a scumbag.

 

I am so sorry this is a very tough thing to go though.. It goes to show how weak we can be.. a word here a word there and in the sack... the point being while she "woke up", what the f happened in "going to sleep" as a play on words.

 

 

in fairness he is a dangerous manipulator and he knew personal details about us as I trusted him and thought he was my friend.

 

Even in trying to reconcile, this kind of thinking needs to be dropped... stop making excuses for her. There are none. You will not be able to nice her back.

 

Of course I am hurt and feel betrayed but I also love our children and if we can build a better relationship and get past this incident than I want to....

 

Reconciling for children is not reconciling... that is tolerating and whitewashing... you must reconcile for the right reasons.

 

 

It's hard for me to fathom my wife's ideas about intimacy..she is reluctantly intimate with me. We did not have sex for almost three yrs, since our youngest child was born,

 

( I wanted to..but she was always tired or there was some other excuse..we were intimate and I accepted this, of course I felt unloved and sad, I don't think she considered my needs )

 

Just a hunch... but I am not so sure this is the first fling... you can take your word for it... but given the credibility of her word... eh.

 

than suddenly a month ago she produced some baby oil and wanted to have sex..this was a week before she confessed..seems like she was going to pretend that I was the father but must have had a change of heart..still it shocks me that she would even consider something like that...

 

She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say. If she was physically incapable of sex I might understand but I want to love my wife and do not want to have to resort to having affairs to satisfy my physical needs....

 

Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself.

 

It's painful and depressing but I am coming to the realization that my wife DOES NOT love me, she can't possibly love me if she acts like this...I work 2~3 jobs, am a total hands on dad, we go out every weekend as a family, I pay all the bills and look after my family.

 

In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce.

 

All of this is very hard to deal with, I have had to go to work and just put my feelings aside. Things are normal at home and my wife can just carry on like nothing happened..but for me this is all crazy and I am dealing with all this **** in my head. I will do anything for my kids and family, but I think I am being treated like a fool and this is much harder to accept...

 

 

Again i am very sorry... if you want to try and fix this you cannot let her write the rules as she is doing. Start working on yourself.

 

It is a crap sandwhich at the risk of this just being a vent thread I couldn't help but try and give my 2 cents.

 

Stay strong.

[HurtHusband]

Thank you both. Well when you have two kids and when you are working etc. of course you are busy and you may have less time together as a couple... but I trusted my wife 100% and this has knocked me sideways. The irony in her cheating and having sex, but at the same time having little/ no interest in sex and telling me to go elsewhere to satisfy my natural urges is not lost on me.. But they say women cheat for various reasons, maybe she was angry with me or needed some excitement... We'll she certainly got the excitement part.

 

I know I am making excuses for her, she had a choice.

Also she had sex with me, knowing full well the OM was a total pig who slept around and recklessly impregnated 5 other women..what if he had an std and she passed it on to me...she did not consider that...

[CarrieT]

Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself.

This is emotional blackmail on her part; either take the "marriage" as she is currently offering it or try and fix it in a one-sided, myopic way.

 

This is not a partnership by any stretch of the imagination if she won't take steps to heal the hurt. She has put the onus of dealing with what she threw you ON YOU.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't want to live in a marriage where I am walking on eggshells either. It is not fair to you or to your children. The fact that she has tacitly suggested you get sex elsewhere is the giant red flag that she has already emotionally checked out of the marriage and is only there as caretakers to your children. She is not a caretaker to your emotional or physical needs whatsoever.

 

And, at that point, why bother staying married? You can raise children separated or divorced. It will not be as easy, but children being raised by emotionally bereft parents could be just as traumatized as by those who are divorced.

 

Good luck.

[jackslife]

It doesn't matter if the other man was a total b*****d or a wonderful guy who fell for a married woman. Your wife slept with him. It was her choice and you need to stop making excuses for her.

 

If your wife tells you to look for sex elsewhere she has emotionally checked out of the marriage.

 

It is hard when you have children, especially as you'll be the one who will be expected to move out, have reduced contact etc etc. But I think you need to get your head around the fact that your wife is in a totally different place than you right now.

 

As someone else said, you can't nice her back. In fact the more accommodating you are the less respect she will have for you. Sadly you are in a lose-lose situation, until the point when you are emotionally detached from her and start planning a divorce. It doesn't have to be a screaming finale and you can work with your wife in planning the needs of your children. But ultimately your marriage is now dead and your wife no longer interested you. The sooner you accept that the better.

 

Don't get me wrong I know what I am saying sounds awful and I'm not saying it will be easy, but you need to start planning for the worse.

[Try]

than suddenly a month ago she produced some baby oil and wanted to have sex..this was a week before she confessed..seems like she was going to pretend that I was the father

This may not have been the first time that she has cheated on you. Please DNA the children. What she is and has been giving you is not a marriage. After the tests, you need to find a woman that wants to be your wife. She is out there, stop wasting your life with this marriage. You have one of the worst marriages I have ever read on this board.

[Clay]

Wow what a mess. I think this would be the deal breaker for me.

 

I am sorry man but I think you are going to have to quit thinking about her and start thinking about you and your kids without her in your life. She has so many issues I highly doubt your marriage will last even if you try to nice her through it.

 

Clay

[troubledhusband]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Your scenario was my nightmare have she had waited longer and tried to work things out.

 

I too am going through a separation (no kids involved, thank God) and I know precisely how much this kind of experience can hurt. As a piece of advise I would reconsider being with her, and this is why.

 

A friend of mine from college was roommating with this married woman for 4 years while they both were in med school. Over that time she would live with him for 5 days and home with her husband for 2 on weekends. We used to go out in the city and have fun, eventually the two of them ended up sleeping together. Later she ended up having her first kid with him. Her husband divorced her once the DNA test came negative and ever since then she lived with him (no love him, but raise the child together). That was years ago, the kid is about 4 or 5 yrs.

 

Ever since then when I hang out with them on occasion they are not happy. You can see it from a mile away. She would avoid being with him and take the child out for a stroll for hrs and etc. He would 'cheat' on her when we went for weekend sky trips then later I find out she had a miscarriage with what was supposed to be their second child while he was hanging out with the boys.

 

Ask yourself this, couple of years from now would you be happy knowing you can no longer trust your wife as you used to? What about the kids? Are they going to have a normal life once those arguments between you two will rise since you would find something suspicious about her behavior or some unknown number on your phone bill?

 

The seend of bought has not only been planted, but it took roots. She did it once (and with whom too? what does that tell you?) and she might do it again.

 

I too tried to stop my divorce because I loved her so much, was in denial about our relationship and did everything possible and succeeded too to change her mind and stay. But then I learned she already slept with other guys and realized that she would not have done so have she loved me.

 

Prepare yourself, get the proof you need and even if you're not ready to file for the divorce go talk to a lawyer ASAP. I am doing the same thing right now.

 

Trust me, the worst part has not even started yet. Wait till you separate and then you'll understand pain. But in time, everything will work out for the best. Or simply wait and suffer. If you choose to wait, I hope it works out for you guys... but that's too big of a risk if you ask me.

 

What would have happened if she didn't get pregnant and had the abortion? Eventually you would still find out the next time you would have made love to her. So how do you know this was a one time thing? Is not worth the risk.

 

Start thinking for your kinds and for yourself right now.

[merrmeade]

She gets stressed at the mere mention of sex...she told me today if I want to have sex just do it with other women and she won't be angry!! I find this quite a shocking thing to say.

Uh, YES, quite a shocking thing to say. Take away everything else and all the enormous problems of accountability, credibility and practicality in terms of affair recovery logistics, if you will, this is not a strong marriage. Without sex, this is not a marriage at all! And on the heels of an affair? No way you can buy this.

 

I can't believe I was this naive or as easily manipulated as a BS - but I was.

 

Just hang in there and listen to the voices in your corner. Your marriage was already broken.

[HurtHusband]

Thank you all so much for your replies....

 

There is no fighting, no screaming matches, I came home and read 'peter pan' with my eldest. Tomorrow we are going to the zoo with another couple with kids. Things are so normal it is almost surreal. This is not the kind of thing you get over in 1 day, does she really think this has had no emotional affect on me?

 

Can you honestly believe what it's like, when your taking your daughter to school, and you meet other mothers and parents, and the whole routine seems completely normal, just like before the bombshell when she confessed..and than on the following Monday I am picking up my wife from her abortion, just like it was a trip to the dentist..seriously I feel like screaming..I phoned a priest out of desperation...I am not going to kill myself, I won't do anything stupid...but its a nightmare...

 

.it is hard to comprehend....carry on like normal, just act, put on a happy face, let it go!!

I didn't ask for any of this!! I got married in good faith, loved my wife and kids and work hard to provide for their every need.....

 

Clay, you are right, we can't save our marriage unless she is genuinely sorry for the affair and willing to work with me..

 

Again suggesting I look elsewhere for sex is crazy, this is not a marriage and not what I expect from my wife. This is not the example I want for my daughters, and I don't want to live like that. I mean if she would try, I could forgive her, but this suggestion just shows she has no consideration for my emotional needs whatsoever...and like someone said above, she has detached herself from the marriage at least the emotional/physical part and I can take it or leave it..which is incredibly selfish.

 

I have to just continue for now, but I know long term it wont work. No one with a shred of self respect could put up with this. I just have to bide my time and plan a few things, so basically just continue acting...and sadly I can do that...

[HurtHusband]

Merrmeade- I knew things were not 100% great with our marriage, there was no sex, we would snuggle up and kiss and I would have to relieve myself. I was patient after the birth of our 2nd child. She didn't want penetrative sex, I suppose she knew I needed some relief. But she has said things like its normal NOT to have any sex anymore after kids, and that most couples are like this.

 

I know for a fact my own parents enjoyed sex well into their 60's.... I know people have different libidos, but to just shut me out completely without sex forever ( unless it's for having a child) that's just unreasonable, I have put up with too much, been too naive,

[reboot]

Counseling or a sex therapist is not an option, when I asked her would she be willing to have one session with a counsellor, she said no, you go by yourself.

 

Okay, my opinion of lying, cheating scumbags aside, I just wanted to address this comment. You can't change anyone but yourself. If you want counseling and she won't go, then DO go by yourself. You might actually be pleasantly surprised. If she sees it making a big difference in you, she might change her mind and go with you. Even if she doesn't, it won't hurt you at all. Just a thought.

[jackslife]

As good as this website is, can I suggest you go and see a counsellor. Mainly so you can talk things through and get your head around what is happening. A friend of mine has gone through exactly the same thing and he see's a counsellor.

 

6 months down the line he is in a lot better place. As he says, you have to get used to the new normal.

[HurtHusband]

 

if you will, this is not a strong marriage. Without sex, this is not a marriage at all! And on the heels of an affair? No way you can buy this.

 

Yes, exactly on the heels of an affair, when she should be remorseful and sorry and wanting to improve our relationship, what a shocking thing to say!!

 

I have only been in one marriage, so can't compare it to others, but I knew things weren't right. I wish we could 'make love' and have that intimacy and closeness but I know it won't happen.

 

I don't understand, if she can have sex with me when she wants to procreate why can't she try to make love to me on occasion??? Is the idea that her husband loves her and wants to make love to her so offensive? I know many men would start looking elsewhere to fulfill their sexual urges, but I stayed faithful, I never cheated...and than out of nowhere comes this....

[jackslife]

I can put up with stuff I don't like doing because it suits me to do so. Going to the dentist for example. Doesn't mean I'd do it 3 times a week and twice at the weekends.

 

She wanted children so was happy to 'put up' with the sex. Your wife wants sex, just not with you. Sorry to be brutal, but that is the truth of the matter. Just because you are married, doesn't mean she wants to have sex with you.

 

Think of a woman who you know, who you don't find attractive and wouldn't touch with a stick, but, maybe someone you get on with. Now imagine being married to them and them asking for sex on a regular basis... start thinking of the excuses you'd use to avoid it.

Edited September 22, 2014 by jackslife

[bubbaganoosh]

 

In our 13 years together I have never once threatened her with the word divorce, I respect our marriage and would not say something like that, however I walk on egg shells and am afraid to challenge her as she will threaten me with divorce.

 

Well IMO now is as good a time as any. Look. Stop letting her make you out a patsy. You have to open your eyes and see that staying with her your just spinning your wheels with her.

 

Let her threaten you with divorce is what's keeping you in line and if it was me I would tell her that if that's what she wants, then she'll get it then I would find a lawyer, file, hand her the papers and wish her good luck ans walk away.

[aliveagain]

Sorry that you are in this situation. My take on things is simple, you give her everything she needs for her survival and will do until she finds someone better. I too agree that you need to stop making excuses for your wife, she made a choice to have an affair with your married scumbag friend, she chose to have unprotected sex with him. She knew his history about the other five women that had abortions because they had unprotected sex with him, that didn't stop her. She as your wife had unprotected sex with him while denying it to you. She thinks you have a better chance of getting sex from other women than with her, she wants your support but doesn't want to be intimate with you. This is not a marriage friend, your the only one that thinks it is, she has checked out.

 

She refuses professional help so how will your situation ever change if she is the same broken woman? It is just a mater of time before she does it again, her actions are telling you that. My ex got pregnant during her two year affair, she had the O/M's child and did exactly what your wife was going to do to you, made me believe it was mine. This woman has very little respect for you. You don't need to be with her to be a great father, what is staying in a bad marriage showing your children? Do not ask her to get counselling, make it a demand of reconciliation. You need to tell her what you need in order to stay married to her. Get tested for all STD's, some don't even show up for 6 months after the incident. Talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and know what you can do to protect your children. Expose the O/M.

[HurtHusband]

Yes, she had sex with me cause she wanted children. The end justifies the means, of course I was too stupid and naive to realize it. Who would? Of course I don't regret our children, they are beautiful and smart and my kids mean everything to me..

 

I don't know if she has had any other 'flings' in the past...I am inclined to think no because this fling was short, messy, she got pregnant. If she was a serial adulterer I would have thought she would be a bit better at disguising it....

 

Not wanting to have sex with me? I have asked her this, do you think I am attractive etc. and she says yes of course. I mean the other man was older, shorter and ****ing bald! I am 6'2 slim build and considered attractive.

 

We are in a long term relationship and for the OM it was just a case of 'chatting her up, telling her what she needed to hear and bad mouthing me to get his way with her... And that's all it was..another notch in his bed post...but seriously how could she give in so easily?

 

Btw, my wife phoned his wife and his wife has allegedly left him. So he has now lost his wife and child...but apparently he is so pathetic it doesn't bother him. He was always complaining about his wife being suspicious and over bearing, but now I know she had every right to be..I don't have any sympathy for the OM...he has caused many unwanted pregnancies and if he really loved his wife and kid he would not have done any of this in the first place. He is from a troubled background and according to him his mother worked as a prostitute. So to say he has issues is an understatement, I personally believe he probably hates women...

[HurtHusband]

The scumbag friend was a true 'Jekyll and hide' I never knew a lot of this until my wife confessed. Now looking back, some of his behavior was strange and it starts to make sense. He'd text me and say this woman was flirting with me or likes me..and to 'go for it' your untitled to have an affair as your wife is not putting out, than he would tell my wife that I'm interested in other women next time I met her..what a f#**ing c*nt!! I never took the bait, just laughed off his comments, said I wouldn't cheat and love my family. My wife realized what he was doing and it was over fast...but the damage is done...

 

What hurts is that we socialized together, even my kid came along.

 

Can you imagine, I am buying him beer and think he's my best mate, and at the same time my wife is there and they are probably looking at each other and know that I don't have a clue...when I think about that, it drives me insane...what a 'patsy' as you say, what a fool..how could they do that....yes, my faith in people has been seriously knocked. I don't want to trust anyway, I am an outgoing, friendly, positive type of guy. But my wife badly let me down...I deserve a decent woman! And the OM deserves a kick in the head.

[Buckeye2]

I work 2~3 jobs, am a total hands on dad, we go out every weekend as a family, I pay all the bills and look after my family.

 

You’re a provider and a nester. That’s why she married you. She thinks of you as her father or brother and it’s disgusting to have sex with you. DNA your kids. How soon did the first come along? Could she have already been pregnant and in need of a great dad?

 

You can buy a DNA kit at a drug store or Amazon. You get a Q-tip and rub it inside your cheek and the kids. Then you mail it to a lab with more money.

Edited September 22, 2014 by Buckeye2

[HurtHusband]

Buckeye2~ 'father or brother' I agree. She doesn't have to work cause I work up to 6 days a week..I don't 'want' her to work..so ene needs to watch our youngest. But it's nice to be appreciated and of course I want her to be a good wife and not cheat.

I also try to do as much as I can with the kids and love spending time with them. She would be a mess and fall apart very quickly if I walked away...I drive the kids to school 9-3. I am a teacher at my daughters school, than I drive home and wash up and go to work in the evening and do this 5 nights a week...I try to spend most of the weekend with my family but also have some work on weekends...

 

We have a costly bill of over $1,000 for the abortion. Of course the OM didn't pay one cent. It will be me or the money we should be saving for our daughters schooling that will be used..that hurts me...what a horrible predicament she put us in..your right I will totally lay off sex with her. She didn't know the extent of his philandering, she told me that when she confessed, but she had unprotected sex with me and could of passed on an std or god knows what...again, she did not think about the consequences of her actions and obviously no consideration for me...

[nightmare01]

...

 

What hurts is that we socialized together, even my kid came along.

 

Can you imagine, I am buying him beer and think he's my best mate, and at the same time my wife is there and they are probably looking at each other and know that I don't have a clue...when I think about that, it drives me insane...what a 'patsy' as you say, what a fool..how could they do that....yes, my faith in people has been seriously knocked. I don't want to trust anyway, I am an outgoing, friendly, positive type of guy. But my wife badly let me down...I deserve a decent woman! And the OM deserves a kick in the head.

 

For what its worth I think that by way of our trust of our WS before Dday that we all betray ourselves. Looking back I can see glaring signs of my WW's LTA, but I pretty much lied to myself, saying that what was going on was not an affair because my WW would never do that to me. I TRUSTED her after all...

 

So I know that pain of wanting to kick ourselves for not believing what our intuition was telling us.

 

My WW's OM was also around us from time to time. I knew him and he talked with my kids quite a bit. He actually visited us for a week (without his wife) and I played tour guide, driving him to the beach so he could swim (he's an avid swimmer) and even buying him a souvenir t-shirt.

 

I imagine he and my WW were laughing at me the whole time. (WW denies this) But I feel like such a sucker now.

 

A big part of accepting the affair happened and moving on is forgiving yourself. As I said, we betrayed ourselves by trusting our WW's. We allowed that trust to blind us. That was a mistake, but an error in judgement that is understandable since we were M. So I think that mistake is forgivable.

[Clay]

I am sorry I just cant say I would allow her to feel even remotely comfortable. I think I would spend the morning calling attorneys and see about my rights. Like it or not if she in not showing you true remorse its already over with. You can stay with her and just rug sweep it but in the end you will pay for her to cheat on you again.

 

Once a Cheater always a Cheater. There is a reason that say sticks so well. There are alot of people that do not agree with that but I have to tell you honestly in my life I have never seen someone that only cheated once. I have read so many of these threads and its truly amazing just how many people put up with someone willing to destroy you.

 

Its your choice what you do.

 

Clay

[HurtHusband]

I have put up with a lot

 

* disrespect/disinterest of my side of the family for no apparent reason ( annoyed me, wished it were different, but thought am married to her)

 

* quick temper ( always hurry up, what are you doing? Very little patience for me, frequent scoldings about 'little things' maybe it's the stress of taking care of two little kids, but I am sure there are many other mothers who deal with this and don't snap at their husbands as much....this has put me 'on edge' as it were..like instead of having a loving partner you have this temperamental woman who you constantly have to be 'mindful of' maybe it's not as bad as I make it out..but try working 2-3 jobs and I teach at my daughters school too, you don't see me getting stressed out,

 

but you know, I wait on hand and foot for her if she's going shopping and we go and eat out and if I have to take a piss for 5 minutes and she waiting with the kids and I'm taking too long she gets angry...I am over worked and under appreciated...

 

She has not asked me once 'are you ok? How's things? Since all this **** blew up. I mean we had candle lit baths and afew nights out together, but it's most definitely 'under the rug' for her... For me, the betrayal and emotional devastation does not heal that fast..and probably never fully will. I am just acting to keep things together. I told her I want to get married properly in a church, to exchange vows, so she understands that I believe marriage is for life and I want to have a strong loving marriage...but that seems like a dream.