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So what are the new ground rules?


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

Interested in hearing what people have set up as the "new" ground rules for cheating spouses ( or wayward, if you prefer that term)

 

Must check in each night while traveling?

Must eat lunch in office from now on?

Must send pics whenever she is "out with the girls?"

Must not go "out with the girls" anymore in the first place?

Must leave iphone location thingy on at all times?

Must share all passwords to email accounts etc?

 

Did you set any rules?

 

I ask, because I didn't set any with my wife. Didn't see the point. Figured I was fine living my life without worrying about where she was or what she was doing, and I wasn't about to start worrying now. Also figured that if she wanted to cheat again, no safeguard that she'd give me voluntarily would be worth anything anyway. So why live like that?

 

That said, it's just my way. Works for me. Not right or wrong. She initially put all these self imposed restrictions in place, and then sort of blamed her new limited freedom on ME. I said " hey... I'm not tracking your whereabouts.. You are responsible for that." And I'm not going to start bending over backwards to tell you where I am all the time either. I didn't earn your mistrust."

 

Anyway, the issue still comes up sometimes. I'll be away for what she might feel is too long, and she'll ask me about it. Sometimes I wonder if it's her gulity conscious asking. Other times, I wonder if she feels that because SHE feels a need to check in alot, that I should to. But I don't feel that need. I liked it the way it was, even though that made her infidelity easier to get away with.

 

I'm interested in hearing if another way has worked out for anyone else, or benefitted them in any way. Did you find peace of mind?

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I ask, because I didn't set any with my wife. Didn't see the point. Figured I was fine living my life without worrying about where she was or what she was doing, and I wasn't about to start worrying now. Also figured that if she wanted to cheat again, no safeguard that she'd give me voluntarily would be worth anything anyway. So why live like that?

 

This. Although for roughly the first year after, my W went out of her way to prove her whereabouts and who she was with on her own. She still does once and a while. Your last sentence sums it up. It's no way to live.

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You can't make rules for adults, but you can make assumptions based on their actions. The fact that she tried to make you feel guilty about her self-imposed rules actually says a lot about her character.

 

Now you just have to accept that your wife would cheat in certain situations until enough passes that you see that she won't. Anything else would be fool-hearty at best.

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Many on here will list their rules for a WW and all should be complied with 100% or divorce proceedings start.

 

It's a false holy grail. Your WW becomes a second class citizen and will grow to resent you for treating her life like a totalitarian state.

 

If they want to do it again, they will find a way. Have no doubt about that.

 

I can't argue with many on here who have had results setting ground rules and forcing their WS to abide by them. However I feel it's just a temporary patch to an even potentially bigger problem.

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I'm sure she's worried about the possibility that you may decide to exact some sort of revenge. In a way, she may be hoping for it, to balance out some of her own guilt. I'm headed to a wedding this weekend with a (male) coworker. We're crashing in a tent for the night after the reception. It's a long drive. Don't want to take any chances driving after a few drinks. Yesterday, my W asked me if I planned on anyone else being in the tent with me, jokingly. Then she says, "It's ok if you do." I took that as a joke as well, but there's that underlying acknowledgement of her own guilt, IMO.

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Yesterday, my W asked me if I planned on anyone else being in the tent with me, jokingly. Then she says, "It's ok if you do." I took that as a joke as well, but there's that underlying acknowledgement of her own guilt, IMO.

 

So interesting because before D-Day, my WW would always bring up the fact that if I ever cheated on her with just a ONS, it wouldn't be the end of our marriage. Just a mistake I'd need to own up to. However she also said an affair of a longer term where feelings were exchanged would be so much harder for her to deal with.

 

I'm sure it was partially a guilt thing. But lucky me my WW participated in both kinds of affairs so I could get the full spectrum of hurt from them.

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Interested in hearing what people have set up as the "new" ground rules for cheating spouses ( or wayward, if you prefer that term)

 

Must check in each night while traveling?

Must eat lunch in office from now on?

Must send pics whenever she is "out with the girls?"

Must not go "out with the girls" anymore in the first place?

Must leave iphone location thingy on at all times?

Must share all passwords to email accounts etc?

 

Did you set any rules?

 

I ask, because I didn't set any with my wife. Didn't see the point. Figured I was fine living my life without worrying about where she was or what she was doing, and I wasn't about to start worrying now. Also figured that if she wanted to cheat again, no safeguard that she'd give me voluntarily would be worth anything anyway. So why live like that?

 

In anything we do, we have varied levels of risk, do we not?

 

Thus while we cannot guarantee an infidelity free marriage we can choose what levels of risk for our own part in what is acceptable.

 

Obviously for you, worry is too high an opportunity cost for any level of risk, i say this in principle. I am sure you have a line somewhere.

 

For my wife and I, we do have rules, I choose to follow of my own "practice what i preach."

 

However, our rules change and based on certain known experiences or for what we see, remove or modify our rules.

 

A poster above stated, "you can't make rules for adults" I take that as "forcibly" for it is our partner's choice to accept... again a choice or it is for not. We all make changes when we commit to someone and sometimes that is not acceptable for one. Thus the trade-offs for commitment are not yet palatable for that person.

 

But some examples my wife and i follow:

No girls/boys night out that involve: clubs, bars or any higher risk environments or people and alcohol for her is limited based on her own past actions.

No after work parties unless we both go.

We check in if we are off schedule.

She does not travel, but i do and check in all the time.

We both have passwords on all electronics, it is compulsory for me, my rule. I am a programmer thus i limit our digital risks, but we both know each others passwords.

We do not use any mobile apps for chat other than native, like BBM.

I have no facebook account and i have her password for hers which she uses to talk to family which lives in another country. Skype is also used for this.

 

But here are other things we do:

Date nights,

In house movie nights,

Trade off kids responsibilities.

In house wine and cheese night that we share with the kids, they love cheese :)

We must have a weekly family day and must always have dinner together and weekend breakfasts.

 

Most of the above honestly came naturally and was not really "you must do this" some of it was especially after what she did which is unusual, will have to read my story... (there were no lies to what she did)

 

We do not do, pictures(photos of us are on desktops only), GPS, or like tracking... although i recommend those for suspecting or post affair spouses.

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TrustedthenBusted
So interesting because before D-Day, my WW would always bring up the fact that if I ever cheated on her with just a ONS, it wouldn't be the end of our marriage. Just a mistake I'd need to own up to. However she also said an affair of a longer term where feelings were exchanged would be so much harder for her to deal with.

 

I'm sure it was partially a guilt thing. But lucky me my WW participated in both kinds of affairs so I could get the full spectrum of hurt from them.

 

I can't count the number of time ( Pre D-Day ) my wife and I would talk about people in our circle of friends who had been caught cheating. Every single time she would tell me that she would never stick around, and I better always keep it in my pants or whatever or she would take the kids and disappear. It was always light hearted and funny because I NEVER thought about cheating on her.

 

Sometimes it's hard thinking about those conversations, because of how incredibly completely I was being duped.

 

But... that comes with the territory.

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I can't count the number of time ( Pre D-Day ) my wife and I would talk about people in our circle of friends who had been caught cheating. Every single time she would tell me that she would never stick around, and I better always keep it in my pants or whatever or she would take the kids and disappear. It was always light hearted and funny because I NEVER thought about cheating on her.

 

Sometimes it's hard thinking about those conversations, because of how incredibly completely I was being duped.

 

But... that comes with the territory.

 

Wow... so she said this during her affair? My wife has always assumed i would cheat. Heck if you read my story, her brother told me to or that I should to keep things in life "pointing north" as he would say. Her sister also has the attitude of not wanting to know if her husband cheated.

 

We do live with rules, i posted them above.

 

It amazes me about waywards how they can say things that are so contradictory... I guess do as I say but not as I do.

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It amazes me about waywards how they can say things that are so contradictory... I guess do as I say but not as I do.

 

Yes and no. My W still speaks negatively about people who cheat, specifically my best friends STBXW. She spoke negatively of it while she was cheating. Yes, there's some hypocrisy there. But I don't know if I'd want the alternative, for her to think that it's fine to cheat. Maybe she could understand a little easier, and that doesn't come through. But there's also the chance that she's just projecting her own self-loathing about what she did.

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Interested in hearing what people have set up as the "new" ground rules for cheating spouses ( or wayward, if you prefer that term)

 

Also figured that if she wanted to cheat again, no safeguard that she'd give me voluntarily would be worth anything anyway. So why live like that?

 

I agree that if someone wants to cheat that they will find a way to do it (burner phone, etc.)

 

There are two reasons I can think of to live like that. One is that the WS is like an alcoholic and the BS is hiding all the booze. Thereby making it easier for the WS to remain sober.

 

The other is that it’s a way for the BS to regain some self-respect. “Look at what my WS has to do while on probation. I’ll never put up with the slightest breaking of these rules. One false move and their gone.”

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Yes and no. My W still speaks negatively about people who cheat, specifically my best friends STBXW. She spoke negatively of it while she was cheating. Yes, there's some hypocrisy there. But I don't know if I'd want the alternative, for her to think that it's fine to cheat. Maybe she could understand a little easier, and that doesn't come through. But there's also the chance that she's just projecting her own self-loathing about what she did.

 

I agree totally, it amazes me though because beyond all the lies of the affair, there are more lies directly to ones face about cheating. whew..

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I can't count the number of time ( Pre D-Day ) my wife and I would talk about people in our circle of friends who had been caught cheating. Every single time she would tell me that she would never stick around, and I better always keep it in my pants or whatever or she would take the kids and disappear. It was always light hearted and funny because I NEVER thought about cheating on her.

 

Sometimes it's hard thinking about those conversations, because of how incredibly completely I was being duped.

 

But... that comes with the territory.

 

That actually seems quite sincere. She probably would leave you if you cheated, but holds herself to a different standard. I see nothing in this about the consequences of her cheating, only if you were to do it.

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There are two reasons I can think of to live like that. One is that the WS is like an alcoholic and the BS is hiding all the booze. Thereby making it easier for the WS to remain sober.

 

 

Brilliant!

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I guess do as I say but not as I do.

 

 

Well yeah... this is at the heart of the cheater. I've asked my wife several times how she'd feel if I cheated, and she always says she'd be devastated.

 

 

 

Actually I take that back. At first she said she always assumed that I had at some point. ( irrational justification ) but when we got past the BS, she said devastated.

 

NOTHING in this world tastes as foul as your own medicine, and cheaters feel this way more than anyone.

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Completely agree with you.

 

 

I've never tried to set rules like that. I could lock her in the house, but the enforced fidelity would be worthless, meaningless. She has to choose to be faithful, not be forced to be faithful.

 

 

Likewise, I have never been one for spying on her, checking her 'phone, emails and so on.

 

 

If she's going to cheat, all the controls and surveillance in the world aren't going to stop it. If she chooses to cheat, all I can do is decide whether or not to stay and put up with it, or go.

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I can't count the number of time ( Pre D-Day ) my wife and I would talk about people in our circle of friends who had been caught cheating. Every single time she would tell me that she would never stick around, and I better always keep it in my pants or whatever or she would take the kids and disappear. It was always light hearted and funny because I NEVER thought about cheating on her.

 

Sometimes it's hard thinking about those conversations, because of how incredibly completely I was being duped.

 

But... that comes with the territory.

 

Mine was the opposite. My sister's boyfriend was caught cheating prior to my own D-Day. Everyone in the family was ready to hang this guy while my sister and him were working things out. My WW was the only one who was supportive of my sister staying with her boyfriend.

 

As for getting duped, I struggle to look back at all that history and see how many lies were piled on top of one another. And how many times I believed them as truth even though there was a little voice inside saying "seriously?"

 

I have to say congrats on being able to rebuild to family to where it is today. Infidelity is crushing, but I don't know anything more difficult than actually trying to work things out long term with a wayward spouse.

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I ask, because I didn't set any with my wife. Didn't see the point. Figured I was fine living my life without worrying about where she was or what she was doing, and I wasn't about to start worrying now. Also figured that if she wanted to cheat again, no safeguard that she'd give me voluntarily would be worth anything anyway. So why live like that?

 

That said, it's just my way. Works for me. Not right or wrong. She initially put all these self imposed restrictions in place, and then sort of blamed her new limited freedom on ME. I said " hey... I'm not tracking your whereabouts.. You are responsible for that." And I'm not going to start bending over backwards to tell you where I am all the time either. I didn't earn your mistrust."

 

 

This is good ... this is REALLY good actually.

 

It's similar to how I dealt with things upfront with my wife there was no specific rules but rather a commitment to a pathway for us. We did discuss a length things she could do to make me feel more comfortable and things that would make me uncomfortable and she's been very good with that.

 

 

But privately I kind of cheated on the trust aspect because covertly without her or our therapists knowledge I had a team of investigators with some fairly amazing technology at their disposal backing me up. I think for a few months there I knew more about her life when I wasn't around then she did.

I wish I had of been able trust enough to live the past 6 months without the absolute knowledge that was was not continuing her previous behavior but I travel to the East Coast 2 days a week on average and I just wasn't able to live without the peace of mind it gave me.

 

Thinking about it now, having that reassurance was a major component in my beginning to truly trust her again with a lot of things.

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I was going to post on here but LL nailed it!

 

I'd also add that if you lay down all those rules and the WS still wants to cheat, the rules become a challenge. Remember there is a lot of careful planning and subterfuge in having an affair. Planning and executing the illicit meeting is part of the fun of it.

 

You either have to decide to trust them or not. If you have to become a warder and them your prisoner it's not worth it.

 

The issue i have is that infidelity is an addiction... you don't say to an alcoholic "it's not worth it" ... maybe some do. Trust is a missed placed word, especially with addictions... as a poster said above, boundaries are like taking the booze or drug away.. it helps them be sober. Does it always work... no... i have lived with addicts... but i can tell you this... i do not know of one infidelity case where "i will trust them" has worked out for a successful R.

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I had three conditions for my wife to uphold to avoid an immediate filing for divorce: (1) No contact (2) No lying (3) No cheating.

 

Beyond that, she agreed that I had the right to investigate whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without notice.

 

It wasn't to prevent her from cheating and I also had no desire to hold her prisoner. I simply wanted to know the truth so I could make informed decisions. If she crossed one of my boundaries (see 1-3 above), I wanted to know so I could leave.

 

ETA: I'm glad I did exactly what I said. I found more bullcrap and left.

Edited by BetrayedH
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It wasn't to prevent her from cheating and I also had no desire to hold her prisoner. I simply wanted to know the truth so I could make informed decisions. If she crossed one of my boundaries (see 1-3 above), I wanted to know so I could leave.

 

this for me too! Because he never has told me anything I couldn't find out for myself, I have no idea if he's even keeping his boundaries. If he is not going to tell me what is going on in my life then I'll do things (spy, hire a PI) to find out myself. This is for ME not him.

 

 

If he would have confessed, if he would come to me with one uncomfortable thing maybe... but he can't. Because he's afraid of losing me. Which means its still all about him. ugh.

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I had three conditions for my wife to uphold to avoid an immediate filing for divorce: (1) No contact (2) No lying (3) No cheating.

 

Beyond that, she agreed that I had the right to investigate whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without notice.

 

It wasn't to prevent her from cheating and I also had no desire to hold her prisoner. I simply wanted to know the truth so I could make informed decisions. If she crossed one of my boundaries (see 1-3 above), I wanted to know so I could leave.

 

ETA: I'm glad I did exactly what I said. I found more bullcrap and left.

 

I hear that.

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If he would have confessed, if he would come to me with one uncomfortable thing maybe... but he can't. Because he's afraid of losing me. Which means its still all about him. ugh.

Yep. At least we know what we got.

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I'm sorry, but I do not agree about the "no rules" thing. Yes it is true that if a person is going to cheat then you can't stop them, but that doesn't stop couples from having a "you can't have sex with anyone else" rule, does it?

 

I see it the same thing here: if a person cheated and you are going to forgive them, well..I do think you need to set some rules, because you need to be careful to say "I forgive you" without it coming off like "I forgive you and this means you can walk all over me again in the future and I will forgive you!". Essentially, there NEEDS to be consequences for their cheating. If one of those is having to check in more often, or something? That is too bad, the cheater made their bed and now they need to deal with it.

 

I see it like this: if you are going to cheat on me and act like a child then I am going to treat you like one until you show me otherwise. Since, the thing is, there NEED to be changes in the relationship, otherwise it is pointless to reconcile because the same crap will happen. Yes, you can't stop someone from cheating, but you know what? Knowing they are trying to do these things to make you see how sincere they are about wanting forgiveness can go a long way. So yeah, if someone is cheating on me and I am going to forgive them? They best believe there will be rules, and if they don't like it they could leave. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Do not cheat on me if you can't accept the consequences. Be an adult.

 

That actually seems quite sincere. She probably would leave you if you cheated, but holds herself to a different standard. I see nothing in this about the consequences of her cheating, only if you were to do it.

 

This is all the more reason to divorce such a person in the first place. Sorry, you don't sit there and talk about how you'd boot someone to the curb for cheating..and then go and cheat on that person. The utter audacity it would take is astounding.

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Quick answer - NC and complete openness over communications (emails, phone, FB) but she knows I have the skills to get into them anyway. Way/words to diffuse a trigger of anger over affair. And positive words of respect and praise - I am the man of her life.

 

 

Longer answer.

 

Specifically about affair or old lovers.... NC. This mean NC with OM, friends of friends of OM, her friends who new of OM and were ok with it, and going back to the area (her home town) at all - or specifically without me.

 

One issue that I missed at first (she exploited a technicality) was that OM tired to call her a few times, but she ignored his calls/messages (no reply or answering). When I found this out, I blew a hasket, and we further agreed to block calls, and avenues for him to contact her, and she was to tell me of any attempted contact from OM or old lovers.

 

A host of other rules involving discussing her past, or her experiences, and also about things related to that. We had "safe words" such as "rabbit hole" (thanks to a LS member for this) which meant if she (or others or even a movie) was saying something that triggered affair hurt in my mind I would calmly say "rabbit hole" and she would know she needed to change the topic/channel/give me respect/apology. Also the word "storm" was used if I (or we) were about to enter a angry place/argument over her saying or doing something.

 

There were other changes (rules if you like) about being very respectful and praising. I need to be treated as "the man" of her life, and nothing less.

Edited by dichotomy
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