Struggling to live the truth

[merrmeade]

My husband's two-year A with my SIL has been over for two years now. I'd been living out of the country for all but a couple of months out of a five-year period. He resented it and considered us separated. She'd been about to divorce my brother when he had a massive stroke and ended up living in a nursing home, paralyzed. H and SIL became "best friends," communicating daily, trying to resist having a PA and for some reason looked at the occasional oral sex as accidents. I discovered their sexting on my return two years ago and the rest of the sh-t hit the fan. We had about 6 weeks of MC, then I went abroad again for about nine months.

 

I have been back a year. We moved a couple of times and finally started MC again a couple of weeks ago. The first and third weeks were great; second week almost did us in. I guess it's working. It seems hopeful anyway and we've really been enjoying each other for the first time in a long while.

 

My brother died last week. My adult children went to the service with me; my H did not with health as the face-saving excuse (not untrue). It was a reunion in a sense for all the cousins and their children as well. Now everyone is making plans to continue seeing each other. My brother's sons were disappointed my H did not go. I half-embraced my SIL two or three times at the service and at their house afterward, which clearly made my nephews happy and was not insincere on my part. She sent her condolences to me later for my husband's sister (who is also dying) and invited us to stay at the family cabin after the second memorial service for my brother at the nursing home. My daughter stayed with my SIL and nephews and has made it clear to me that it wasn't hard for her and things are changing.

 

Being in that house was a trigger, and I started having mind movies again, going down the rabbit-hole of hurt. I'm back home and H really sucked at helping me (missed MC this week).

 

My main issue is how to clarify the borders for everyone else. It is not possible for us that my H would ever be where my SIL is, but everyone may think things are all normalized again and we can all get together as before. This is NOT POSSIBLE for me. On the other hand, I do want to see my cousins and nephews and do not mind their getting together or my kids going to the family cabin.

 

I need suggestions how to handle this messy future. We cannot live in utter isolation forever, but we cannot go places that she will be either. I also cannot abide her friendly or sympathetic references to my H in emails as if everything were normal. He established NC with her and that's the way we want it to stay. I also don't want those who know (SIL's family, my kids, one cousin - unless someone else was told that I don't know about) to blame me for keeping the extended family apart.

Edited September 18, 2014 by merrmeade

[gettingstronger]

You have one of the more complicated situations I have read on here- the betrayal is unimaginable- the healing will take a long time-

 

All I can suggest is time-lots and lots of it- I know that its been several years already but as someone 20 months from DDay, I know that it seems like a lifetime and a short time all at once-

 

People will just have to understand that you are deeply hurt and not pressure you to do anything that would interrupt YOUR healing- just because she can handle it does not mean you can-

 

Stop taking the blame and shouldering the burden- you did not ask for this and you are doing better than 99.9% of the world would do in your situation-

 

Hang in there and be strong about advocating about what YOU need-

[merrmeade]

You have one of the more complicated situations I have read on here- the betrayal is unimaginable- the healing will take a long time-

 

All I can suggest is time-lots and lots of it- I know that its been several years already but as someone 20 months from DDay, I know that it seems like a lifetime and a short time all at once-

 

People will just have to understand that you are deeply hurt and not pressure you to do anything that would interrupt YOUR healing- just because she can handle it does not mean you can-

 

Stop taking the blame and shouldering the burden- you did not ask for this and you are doing better than 99.9% of the world would do in your situation-

 

Hang in there and be strong about advocating about what YOU need-

 

Thank you. Just thank you. I'll read this again and again: "Stop taking the blame and shouldering the burden- you did not ask for this and you are doing better than 99.9% of the world would do in your situation-" This kind of encouragement and validation are why I come back to LS. In fact, it was your post in the Tips for Triggers thread that inspired this thread. You conveyed the tenderness and understanding behind your exchanges with your H when a trigger threatens to suck you back down the rabbit-hole.

 

Yes, I've shouldered the job of anticipating everyone's needs in this mess, long-term and short-, including my own, but that can only last so long. In fact, I think this lament is what finally got through to my H - that I can only go so long, making choices and facilitating our recovery as individuals, as a couple and as a family.

 

I do have a lot to fall back on internally - and not by accident. It's been a lifelong priority nurtured by practice, choice and associations sought beyond religious tradition. I know that this strength, presence if you will, was important for my brother's peaceful release and for his family as he breathed his last. I can do all of that and am renewed and strengthened by it, but this business of marital infidelity, betrayal and deception has strained my personal resources and I have reached my limit. I have to convey this somehow and act on it. It's the how, when, what and to whom I am trying to figure out.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, merrmeade. You have been in my thoughts.

I am so sorry to hear of your brother's passing. My condolences to you, your family, and all your brother's loved ones and friends.

 

Ronni

[merrmeade]

My H said a true thing: There's nothing out of my control any more. I don't have to be a victim. I can call the shots.

 

Yep.

[BetrayedH]

I don't have a logistical answer to your question (there may be an individual/different answer for each family member) but I certainly agree with gettingstronger that this is NOT all on you. Frankly, if people are uncomfortable then it's just tough sh't. It's obviously damn uncomfortable for you, too. Maybe you don't need to keep the peace. Maybe you just need to tell the bitch off squarely in front of the whole famn damily. Maybe she'll get the hint to leave you the phukk alone and to keep her snooty comments to herself. And maybe everybody will just have to be ok with it and realize that your anger (and the family's discomfort) is a natural consequence of her giving your husband BJs while cheating on your brother.

[Syco]

This is your life. You do not owe anything to your other family members. If you don't want any contact whatsoever with extended family - then say so and stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter if people don't like it, this is about you and the horrendous betrayal. For many, infidelity with an in-law is an instant dealbreaker.

 

You have already shown to be someone of great character with regards to the service. If I were in your position there is no way in hell I would have hugged your SIL. I also found her sons' disappointment with not seeing your husband absolutely incredible (assuming they are above 16 and know). After that conversation i would have ignored them completely until they got the point.

 

You also have nothing to be embarrassed about. It wasn't you that caused this, it was them. If all the adults in this situation find your actions childish then it says more about them then it will ever say about you. If you feel betrayed by the actions of your family members (e.g. one of your children bonding with SIL), 180 them and then immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy/make new friends etc.

[HereNorThere]

My H said a true thing: There's nothing out of my control any more. I don't have to be a victim. I can call the shots.

 

Yep.

 

Unfortunately, this quote simply isn't true. You certainly cannot control what your H and SIL did to you, your dying brother and the rest of the family and you certainly cannot control what the outcome of those heinous betrayals has caused. It's another slap in the face for them to tell you to "just get over it."

You cannot control the fact that you are human with real emotions who suffered a devastating betrayal followed by devastating loss. You cannot control that this was a life changing event that will forever change you.

 

You can control whether or not you want to put yourself in situations where you are constantly triggered. You can control whether or not you want to be around someone who betrayed your dying brother. Although it's not much, it's all you really have control over. You don't deserve to be blamed for this and you aren't "isolating" yourself by choosing to stay away from toxic situations.

[gettingstronger]

You know- as I think about it- if they can forgive your SIL her behavior, then they will certainly forgive yours (not that you need it BTW!) so-take care of you- when you are ready (if that ever happens) you can rejoin in the family get togethers-until then-perhaps a heartfelt (non apologetic) email or note stating your stance- maybe something like-

 

" I have been deeply hurt by recent (and not so recent) events. Although its in my nature to be the protector and peace maker, at this time I am only able to protect myself and find my inner peace. It is my hope that you will understand my position and extend to me the grace that I have always extended to each of you"

[merrmeade]

I don't have a logistical answer to your question (there may be an individual/different answer for each family member) but I certainly agree with gettingstronger that this is NOT all on you. Frankly, if people are uncomfortable then it's just tough sh't. It's obviously damn uncomfortable for you, too. Maybe you don't need to keep the peace. Maybe you just need to tell the bitch off squarely in front of the whole famn damily. Maybe she'll get the hint to leave you the phukk alone and to keep her snooty comments to herself. And maybe everybody will just have to be ok with it and realize that your anger (and the family's discomfort) is a natural consequence of her giving your husband BJs while cheating on your brother.

Yes, it happened. It just f--king happened. One BJ took place while our son and hers were at a movie; another, when my nephew was out past his curphew. When he got home, she got out of my H's bed to chew her son out for being late. And there were more. They did each other, got each other off in my brother's house, in my nephew's bed, in my brother's marriage bed, in my parent's bed. The sex was wrong the first time and the last time, but the EA was just as wrong. It didn't matter where I was or what had happened before my brother's stroke. It was a betrayal against the entire family and the values that they pretended to stand for.

[merrmeade]

This is your life. You do not owe anything to your other family members. If you don't want any contact whatsoever with extended family - then say so and stand up for yourself. It doesn't matter if people don't like it, this is about you and the horrendous betrayal. For many, infidelity with an in-law is an instant dealbreaker.

 

You have already shown to be someone of great character with regards to the service. If I were in your position there is no way in hell I would have hugged your SIL. I also found her sons' disappointment with not seeing your husband absolutely incredible (assuming they are above 16 and know). After that conversation i would have ignored them completely until they got the point.

 

You also have nothing to be embarrassed about. It wasn't you that caused this, it was them. If all the adults in this situation find your actions childish then it says more about them then it will ever say about you. If you feel betrayed by the actions of your family members (e.g. one of your children bonding with SIL), 180 them and then immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy/make new friends etc.

Yes, but it's not that easy. Every stituation will have to be navigated differently from the last one. I don't intend to burden every relative with the sordid details. Is my life limited to interactions with my H and no one else? Do I continue to attend family events alone because she might be there?

 

I have thought of writing her for months. The essence of the message she needs to hear is that we have no relationship and will never have one. I do not hate her, but neither can I love her. She needs to respect my dignity and the NC that my H established. She has no place in my life.

 

H and I have been through hell and back. Although he did TT, he did not deny, argue or make excuses. He wants R but does not expect it. I continue to work with him on reconciliation. She has no place there.

 

With my SIL, within 3 weeks of d-day she wrote me, "First of all I want you to know that you are very, very dear to me. I will always remember that introduced me to you first. Please pardon my silence. Right now I need some time to myself. I know there will be a time we can sit down, talk, cry and laugh again. That time just isn't right now for me. It is not because I do not love you or care for you, I just ask that you honor my space. Much love, ..." This was for real. She thought it was up to her, that the gift of her love was something I wanted. . She received the NC letter from my H soon after that.

 

Six months later, she again offered friendship to me on the phone then rescinded, deciding I just wasn't ready (I was too shocked to answer but must confess I initiated the call because H was TTing and I stupidly but desperately thought she might tell me the truth). A year later, she invited me to stay at her house for an uncle's funeral. Now, with my brother's death, it's clear she's interpreting actions and events as the inevitable thawing of relations that will eventually bring our families back together. She may think we have reached that "time we can sit down, talk, cry and laugh again." Blech.

Edited September 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

You know- as I think about it- if they can forgive your SIL her behavior, then they will certainly forgive yours (not that you need it BTW!) so-take care of you- when you are ready (if that ever happens) you can rejoin in the family get togethers-until then-perhaps a heartfelt (non apologetic) email or note stating your stance- maybe something like-

 

" I have been deeply hurt by recent (and not so recent) events. Although its in my nature to be the protector and peace maker, at this time I am only able to protect myself and find my inner peace. It is my hope that you will understand my position and extend to me the grace that I have always extended to each of you"

 

That's exactly the kind of concrete suggestion I was asking for. Thank you.

[merrmeade]

Unfortunately, this quote simply isn't true. You certainly cannot control what your H and SIL did to you, your dying brother and the rest of the family and you certainly cannot control what the outcome of those heinous betrayals has caused. It's another slap in the face for them to tell you to "just get over it."

You cannot control the fact that you are human with real emotions who suffered a devastating betrayal followed by devastating loss. You cannot control that this was a life changing event that will forever change you.

 

You can control whether or not you want to put yourself in situations where you are constantly triggered. You can control whether or not you want to be around someone who betrayed your dying brother. Although it's not much, it's all you really have control over. You don't deserve to be blamed for this and you aren't "isolating" yourself by choosing to stay away from toxic situations.

Yes, although it's not much, it's everything.

 

Actually, now that I reread some of what I've written here and then consider other things she's said recently which indicate that she does know exactly where I'm coming from, I think that the offer of friendship is probably a con-job intended to make her look gracious, which makes me look venal and vitriolic (her favorite word) by contrast.

 

Forgive me if that was a no-brainer that I've missed all this time. When I was getting ready to go for the funeral, my H tried to coach me. It was interesting. He was trying to protect me against her and was worried, I think, because I am so unmanipulative. He kept telling me not to give her a handle to exploit or offer an excuse about why he wasn't there. So he knows it's true. She's complete poison.

Edited September 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[Syco]

Quick question: How many people know, and how much do they know?

 

Unfortunately I do not think there is a solution which makes everybody happy in this case. Given the type of affair it was, there are going to be major consequences if YOU want to heal/enjoy your life again. If that means battle lines are drawn then so be it. Two of the closest people around you stab you in the back, but you're the one that has to isolate yourself?! Bull****.

 

Maybe this is just me, but I would take your family members spending time with her as a major insult. I would calmly tell them all that it is simply a choice between you and her (black and white). If they continue to see her, then simply smile and tell them that you will always love them but they are no longer welcome to spend time with you. This is their choice.

 

Obviously it would be very difficult for a parent to detach from e.g. their son/daughter, but they are not children anymore. They are adults who are capable of making their own choices in life. If they do not understand the pain that you have been going through and the blatant disrespect of your SIL then 180 them. I would like to think that those aware of the situation would choose you, the victim in all of this. (Especially if you are their mother). Your brother's side of the family can meet up with you in a neutral location without the SIL.

[merrmeade]

Quick question: How many people know, and how much do they know?

 

Unfortunately I do not think there is a solution which makes everybody happy in this case. Given the type of affair it was, there are going to be major consequences if YOU want to heal/enjoy your life again. If that means battle lines are drawn then so be it. Two of the closest people around you stab you in the back, but you're the one that has to isolate yourself?! Bull****.

 

Maybe this is just me, but I would take your family members spending time with her as a major insult. I would calmly tell them all that it is simply a choice between you and her (black and white). If they continue to see her, then simply smile and tell them that you will always love them but they are no longer welcome to spend time with you. This is their choice.

 

Obviously it would be very difficult for a parent to detach from e.g. their son/daughter, but they are not children anymore. They are adults who are capable of making their own choices in life. If they do not understand the pain that you have been going through and the blatant disrespect of your SIL then 180 them. I would like to think that those aware of the situation would choose you, the victim in all of this. (Especially if you are their mother). Your brother's side of the family can meet up with you in a neutral location without the SIL.

First: "How many people know, and how much do they know?"

• My 3 children know everything.
  
• My brother's 2 children know something, but I can't say for sure what they know because their mother told them. I do know that the younger nephew told my daughter 2 mos. after d-day that his mother had told him all the "gory details." I also know that her influence is insidious but powerful; they are always quoting her. 2+3=5
  
• My first cousin was with my H, SIL and fam once or twice when I Skyped them during the A. I told her in a phone call after d-day that they'd had an affair - no details. I desperately needed a family member to talk to. We used to be close. After she wrote me a preachy couple of emails about forgiveness and gave me my SIL's line that my B had caused his stroke by not taking care of his diabetes and, therefore, was responsible for hurting his family, I ended correspondence with her. This was not a family member I wanted to confide in even if she had been sympathetic. 5+1=6
  
• SIL's childhood friend and neighbor knows. SIL told me that this friend had said I should just "get over it already" one month after d-day when I flipped because she'd texted a message to my H from SIL. 6+1=7
  
• I think my daughter hinted that she'd told another cousin, daughter of my other brother. If so, then 7+1=8
  

I do not know who else knows besides these 8 people and H, SIL and myself which makes 11. However, one other cousin told me on the day my B died that we all needed to focus on the "positive" now. It occurred to me that she was alluding to the possibility that I might have something to be "negative" about, but that's a lot of conjecture. If she knows, that's 12.

 

But G--damnit, THANK you!!! I have wanted to say this FOREVER but have not been able to. It is SO TRUE and exactly how I feel but did not think I had the right to ask it of my children. I knew that my daughter understood and supported me. I told my older son and could tell he understood and would not betray me. My middle son who has a close relationship with my nephews, however, seemed clueless. I have not confronted him with how I feel. And now my daughter seems to be saying - you're on your own, mom.

 

There is one more circumstance to factor: My parents left the "family cabin" to my brother. Right or wrong it was their wish, he used it the most and they thought he'd take care of it. My mother sold some land and divided it with my other brother and me for the value of the cabin at that time. Done deal. My brother and now especially my SIL wanted, NEEDed to feel that the cabin is open to the entire family. My children want that. They probably want to take their friends there. I want them to be able to go there as well. Do they have to betray me to do so? I don't know. At one time, my daughter said she could not go there if my SIL were there but she wanted to go. How do I facilitate this? How do I support their right to use that space and access those memories? I have always assumed that SIL would use the cabin as a way to worm her way back into the fold and blackmail our participation. It is the major wild card that I simply do not know how to play. And I obviously don't play cards well as you can see....

 

I need to run this through MC, too. I need to say it out loud and work with the therapist and my H and see how what else I need to think about it. But I really welcome any and all experience and informed advice.

 

But, DAMN, Syco, I really needed someone to say that it's all right to want and expect that loyalty. I haven't asked for it. I did not think I could ask it of my children. I thought they had a right to their own relationships. And I still need to think about it. But no one has validated this feeling before.

Edited September 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[merrmeade]

If you feel betrayed by the actions of your family members (e.g. one of your children bonding with SIL), 180 them and then immerse yourself in activities that you enjoy/make new friends etc.

I don't really understand the "180." I've read it several times but don't fully get it. Can someone interpret the general idea? It's just a list of behaviors that I think I get but am not sure - be indifferent? How would that work with one's child? I don't think I can separate from my children. Ever. Not ever.

[Appreciate]

The 180 is to help you heal and not get sucked further in to any psychodrama of the affair. For anything that's not working for you, the 180 means do the opposite of that action. In areas where you were soft, be strong. In areas where you were too hard, be more soft. Honestly, I don't know how you don't give your SIL more a piece of your mind.

 

The 180 in no way means you should not be doing your best for your children to love and protect them.

[HereNorThere]

The 180 means go in the opposite direction, but you have decided to stay with your husband. Unless he cheats again or you decide to divorce, the 180 doesn't apply to this situation.

 

A circle is 360 degrees, so half of that is 180. It literally means turning around a half circle and going in the opposite direction.

Edited September 19, 2014 by HereNorThere

[Ronni_W]

But, DAMN, Syco, I really needed someone to say that it's all right to want and expect that loyalty. I haven't asked for it. I did not think I could ask it of my children. I thought they had a right to their own relationships. And I still need to think about it. But no one has validated this feeling before.

merrmeade,

OF COURSE you have every right to express your preferences, dislikes, desires, wants and needs also to your adult children!

 

I do agree with you, though, that they have the right to choose their own relationships. But, they may not see/feel that they are in an "either/or" situation. That is, from their perspective, they may well feel and believe that maintaining a relationship with their cousins is not, in fact, them showing any disloyalty to you.

 

Perhaps if/when you do speak with them, is to just make it clear to them what your "perfect and ideal" from them, will be?

 

Hugs.

[merrmeade]

Perhaps if/when you do speak with them, is to just make it clear to them what your "perfect and ideal" from them, will be?

 

That's good though "perfect and ideal" will take some thought.

 

You know, it was such a f--ked up situation that it is hard - even for me - not to give her some margin because of the trauma she had just gone through in dealing with my brother's recent massive stroke, the months of uncertainty, moving from facility to facility and insurance decisions, solo parenting of teenage children who started acting out. My H and I were unclear with each other, so how much more vague would she have been about what our situation was. It was perfect for my H, feeling abandoned and rejected by everyone himself, to come in as the hero to her, to her kids and everyone around them. But we ARE talking about 3 years and it DID move into a deep infatuation, romantic and worshipful, in which H became her savior. H needed to be needed and had been sincerely moved by her plight. She talked to him every day, many times a day (publicly it was once a week). Of course, I'd basically deposited H there and pursued my personal 'pilgrimage.' My father was still alive, and the living arrangements in the family cabin were with his blessing. Hell, he even told them there was no reason for not to stay under the same roof when she came to see my brother because H and SIL could be trusted alone together! They could not have been more thrown together by the winds of fate if Shakespeare had conceived of it!

 

But they knew, oh, they knew that there was something wrong with what were they were doing. Not that much though: H told me they talked about how "stupid" it was to go further. I kid you not. He said it several times. The extent of their self-censorship was just the word "stupid." Nevermind wrong, hurtful, deep betrayal. Nevermind my B and me at all! It wasn't about us; it was about what everyone else would think.

 

So it's okay because, margin or not, there's plenty she's accountable for, not the least of which is the mind-f--king sh-t she dumped on my head on d-day, implying I was incapable of understanding the kind of relationship they had because I just couldn't understand true friendship between a man and a woman or anyone at all, and each time we spoke after that. She'd begun a campaign to convince everyone else of other aspects of her twisted thinking, that B was to blame for his own stroke and the tragedy befallen their family. She was clearly working on a plan for the future and asked me if H and I were splitting up.

 

Oh, I'll stop. What's the point. Said all this other places, other ways. It's just f--ked up. Their heads were f--ked up and I'm sick of figuring it out since they'd clearly rather not think about it again. He is fine living like a hermit and avoiding my family. She would like to salve her conscience with her obsequious, purring displays of affection (she tries to soothe in these creepily exaggerated inflections that I realize now substitute for real empathy) and generous sharing of the family cabin - now in her name.

Edited September 19, 2014 by merrmeade

[Ronni_W]

You know, it was such a f--ked up situation that it is hard - even for me - not to give her some margin because of the trauma she had just gone through in dealing with my brother's recent massive stroke, the months of uncertainty, moving from facility to facility and insurance decisions, solo parenting of teenage children who started acting out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm sitting over here crying a river for her, too! NOT.

merrmeade, I hope our 'friendship' is solid enough for me to say this -- I cannot tell if you are too bloody soft-in-the-heart (compassionate/forgiving)...or too bloody soft-in-the-head.

 

What you're saying there is that, when my dad died, leaving my 37-year old mom with a 10-year old and a 13-year old to raise all by her little lonesome, she would have been perfectly justified in going around phukk'ing any married guy in the neighbourhood who was suffering from self-worth/self-respect issues, or suffering from a Jesus/saviour complex...???

 

Give this woman no quarter! Holy crappers. Do NOT go easier on her than you have been with yourself...and perhaps (I don't know) than with your H, as well.

It does not matter where in the world you were, nor what you were doing there. DO go easy on yourself, about that.

But they knew, oh, they knew that there was something wrong with what were they were doing. Not that much though: H told me they talked about how "stupid" it was to go further. I kid you not. He said it several times. The extent of their self-censorship was just the word "stupid."

When you typed 'self-censorship' was your brain trying to force you to type 'self-justification' and 'permission'. As in, it's probably okay as long as we also call ourselves something "bad" along the way...what can we live with happily and comfortably...hhmmm...how about "stupid"???

 

Give her no effin' quarter!!! "Stupid" biatch deserves none of that from you. Your H does, for obvious reasons. But she does not.

 

Navigating a sane and healthy path through (future) family relationships is a whole different kettle of fish. Make all the compromises that YOU are happy and comfortable making...but not for her, nor her comfort or happiness. Ix-nay on at-thay!!! OMG...did I just type that?...if so, it's cos she's got me REALLY, really steamed. "Stupid" biatch.

No more soft-headedness from you to/for/about her. Right?

 

Hugs.

[merrmeade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I'm sitting over here crying a river for her, too! NOT.

merrmeade, I hope our 'friendship' is solid enough for me to say this -- I cannot tell if you are too bloody soft-in-the-heart (compassionate/forgiving)...or too bloody soft-in-the-head.

 

What you're saying there is that, when my dad died, leaving my 37-year old mom with a 10-year old and a 13-year old to raise all by her little lonesome, she would have been perfectly justified in going around phukk'ing any married guy in the neighbourhood who was suffering from self-worth/self-respect issues, or suffering from a Jesus/saviour complex...???

 

Give this woman no quarter! Holy crappers. Do NOT go easier on her than you have been with yourself...and perhaps (I don't know) than with your H, as well.

It does not matter where in the world you were, nor what you were doing there. DO go easy on yourself, about that.

When you typed 'self-censorship' was your brain trying to force you to type 'self-justification' and 'permission'. As in, it's probably okay as long as we also call ourselves something "bad" along the way...what can we live with happily and comfortably...hhmmm...how about "stupid"???

 

Give her no effin' quarter!!! "Stupid" biatch deserves none of that from you. Your H does, for obvious reasons. But she does not.

 

Navigating a sane and healthy path through (future) family relationships is a whole different kettle of fish. Make all the compromises that YOU are happy and comfortable making...but not for her, nor her comfort or happiness. Ix-nay on at-thay!!! OMG...did I just type that?...if so, it's cos she's got me REALLY, really steamed. "Stupid" biatch.

No more soft-headedness from you to/for/about her. Right?

 

Hugs.

 

Whoa, this feels like having a tough gang member go primal for you. Or like a kid protected by Bikers Against Child Abuse (B.A.C.A.): You just roared up on your Harley and blew everybody threatening me away with your fire. Damn! That was awesome, Ronni! It's what I love about LS.

 

Seriously, I really haven't had anyone to talk to AT ALL so it's really important. And, yes, I hear the frustration, too, that I'm not doing it for myself. This helps. Thanks.

[Ronni_W]

You got that straight, merrmeade Nobody messes with me or mine. NOBODY!

Harley is ready to roar...you need me over there, just holler. Set her straight in no time, we will.

[merrmeade]

And then OMG, I had this flashback after reading another thread earlier today of the time in the hospital when my H was having a joint replacement 1-1/2 months before d-day. SIL asked H if I would like company in the hospital. Bull f--king **** "company"! She wanted to be there for him, not for me. So waiting for the anesthesiologist, she starts massaging his freaking neck, saying, "Oh, I just can't help myself." Attendants come in the room and think she's the wife. My H and I were too f--king intimidated to say anything. Stunned. So we had no time alone before his operation. Then she came back twice the next week during his recuperation. A 6-hour drive for her. She would interrupt me when the nurse or doctor came in and give her two cents and ask the questions.

 

Of course, he was so completely clueless as to how cruel his choices would be - just the fact that he felt okay letting her make the 6-hour drive a third time that week to help us drive back to the house. It's humiliating to realize that she would make that kind of effort, sacrifice - for what? We didn't need her. She needed to insert herself, to feel pivotal to the operation.

 

Remembering all this is still disturbing, a real nightmare memory. Like seeing someone make out with your spouse in front of you or take your place and you're too slow and incredulous to realize you're in a power-play.

Edited September 19, 2014 by merrmeade