You know what never gets easier?

[TrustedthenBusted]

1. Listening to people who haven't been through it say " Oh if my wife cheated, I'd toss her ass to the curb that day." Yeah... ok.

 

2. Thinking about how the OM got married just a few years later and gets to go on with his happy ass life and new marriage, while mine is still a wreck.

 

3. Watching just about ANY movie these days. So many of them glorify cheating and romanticize the OP

 

4. Watching her sleep when I can't.

 

5. Sitting next to her at weddings watching two other people exchange vows that you know didn't mean squat to her, and probably won't to these two either.

 

6. Being this new, jaded, critical person, instead of the optimistic and nonjudgemental person I used to be.

 

7. Staying faithful, and wondering what I'm getting out of that.

 

8. Wondering if I am just delaying the inevitable, wasting my time, just to protect kids who might even be better off if we split up.

 

9. My wedding anniversary, and the stupid little cards we have to axchange that say things neither of us really mean.

 

10. Finding myself on a site like this, rehashing the same ol crap 5 years down the road. Hell, I could have become a doctor in less time...

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

At least you have an opportunity to find a way back to your beginnings.

 

I don't so I suffer along with you, and dive even further just to get some air.

 

All I can say, is dig into what hurts you and lay it out on the line. Even if your wife will give you a good ear chewing. You must listen and find ways to meet with her expectations. For every item you both are holding on to that eats away at your marriage, you both must meet the others in accepting.

 

It will not happen overnight, but with each effort, the small gain will allow further gains to continue. Bringing trust and compassion back into your lives.

 

Don't give up, as there are things you are not seeing that will always be there until you realize you must confront them and take them on.

 

And no, you will not be doing it alone, you are married, so rely on tackling them together.

[Be_Strong]

Except for #2, I'm right there with you on all of them.

[thummper]

Are you going to post the details of your personal story?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Are you going to post the details of your personal story?

 

It's just like everyone else's story I suppose. Some guy from work. I Was completely blindsided 5 years ago ( 9 years into marriage )when wife started getting very protective of her cell phone. Before that, I had no reason to even think about it. Story goes like this.

 

I suspected. I looked. I found. I confronted. She denied. I proved. She minimized. I dispelled. She admitted. I suspected more. I dug more. I found more. Return to square one. Confronted OM. Applied vigorous choke-hold. Received immediate apology. Explained situation to police.

 

I read books. I hire therapist. She lies to therapist. I prove lies to therapist. Therapist says I am focused too much on search for truth, and not repairing my marriage. I fire therapist.

 

I look at kids. I think about kids living under roof that isn't mine. I cry. I stay.

[Allumere]

First off I am very sorry you have gone through this. And I have been there/done that and found myself nodding while reading your list.

 

You made the choice to stay.

You have not forgiven your wife.

The marriage therapist was right.

You need a personal therapist.

You are doing your kids no favors.

You are not doing yourself any favors by staying.

I understand anger over OM appearing to come out of this smelling like a rose. YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO.

Five years is too long.

You are still emotionally raw.

You don't feel love for your wife.

I don't think you are capable of loving her as a husband.

Sometimes the cut is deep enough to sever all ties that bind.

Seriously consider moving on.

[TrustedthenBusted]

First off I am very sorry you have gone through this. And I have been there/done that and found myself nodding while reading your list.

 

You made the choice to stay.

You have not forgiven your wife.

The marriage therapist was right.

You need a personal therapist.

You are doing your kids no favors.

You are not doing yourself any favors by staying.

I understand anger over OM appearing to come out of this smelling like a rose. YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO.

Five years is too long.

You are still emotionally raw.

You don't feel love for your wife.

I don't think you are capable of loving her as a husband.

Sometimes the cut is deep enough to sever all ties that bind.

Seriously consider moving on.

 

I agree with a lot of that. But my kids are the air in my lungs, and I cannot voluntarily do ANYTHING that puts me in a different home from them. Not for every other weekend, not for a single night.

 

I don't know how other people do it. I really don't. Not judging, just saying I can't bring myself to make that choice.

 

She ruined a really really good thing.

[Allumere]

If this is your choice and your priority you need to stop worrying, thinking, hurting over everything else. If staying where you are is what makes you happiest as the kids are there and you need to be there 24x7 then you can't complain about where things are in your marriage. You are choosing to stay despite everything because that is what you want. It is that simple.

 

As an outsider looking in I do not think it is realistic and it actually is not putting your kids first and foremost in the situation. This decision is about you. Now, I don't know the age of your kids but do you seriously think you can continue to endure this? Do you seriously think your kids are not impacted by the negative vibe that has existed in the house for 5 years? Y'all may be great parents but even the best acting job rarely can pull the hood over the eyes of children.

 

I am not judging you. From what information you have provided I think the current state you are in is miserable and needs to be seriously looked at/worked on.

[Sub]

I was in the same spot with most of those at some point. If your W proves she's committed to the M, I can say is it does make it easier. Although, most of it is really up to you, and your ability to keep your eyes forward, think of your own future and the future of your kids.

 

I will say that this...

6. Being this new, jaded, critical person, instead of the optimistic and nonjudgemental person I used to be.

...may be one of the tougher hurdles to get over. After my D-Day, I found out about my brother's A, and my best friends wife's A. I wasn't naive. I knew A's happened. I knew cheating happened. But never that close to me, and in such rapid succession. It's definitely changed my view on things. I'll be at social functions, looking at the people around and the one's I'm talking to, and wonder if they would do it, if they have done it, etc. Then the questioning starts, as to whether this is the way and I just have to accept it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

It's definitely changed my view on things. I'll be at social functions, looking at the people around and the one's I'm talking to, and wonder if they would do it, if they have done it, etc. Then the questioning starts, as to whether this is the way and I just have to accept it.

 

It's just the way it is. Story as old as time.

 

Hell, I was watching the movie Troy the other day and I actually cheered when Orlando Bloom's character was getting his ass kicked. Little weasel. hahahaha..

 

And then I realized that nothing has changed in like 3000 years.

[thummper]

Trusted, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this garbage. Did your wayward wife ever break down and show remorse, or did she just want you to "get over it" and move on?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Trusted, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this garbage. Did your wayward wife ever break down and show remorse, or did she just want you to "get over it" and move on?

 

She spent maybe 2.5 full years trying to just move on. And finally showed remorse and now says all of the right things when it comes up. It rarely does, to be honest. So now I get the textbook responses to things that come up, and I have to admit I'm thankful for that. It could be much worse.

 

I think I'm just in a pissy mood about it all today. Normally I've got lots of jokes and positive advice to share. Sorry.

 

To those if you in Year 1 and 2, let me tell you that you won't necessarily feel like I do in Year 5. Even I don't feel like this most of the time. But when it hits, it hits. Only difference is it passes a lot faster these days.

[dichotomy]

I hear you - I understand you - some similarities.

 

However, let me ask you something. Forget the marriage, your wife. Besides the jaded thing - how have you grown in 5 years? What new challenges have you taken on, things tried, career, health, life? You have some control over you.

[evanescentworld]

If this is your choice and your priority you need to stop worrying, thinking, hurting over everything else. If staying where you are is what makes you happiest as the kids are there and you need to be there 24x7 then you can't complain about where things are in your marriage. You are choosing to stay despite everything because that is what you want. It is that simple.

 

As an outsider looking in I do not think it is realistic and it actually is not putting your kids first and foremost in the situation. This decision is about you. Now, I don't know the age of your kids but do you seriously think you can continue to endure this? Do you seriously think your kids are not impacted by the negative vibe that has existed in the house for 5 years? Y'all may be great parents but even the best acting job rarely can pull the hood over the eyes of children.

 

I am not judging you. From what information you have provided I think the current state you are in is miserable and needs to be seriously looked at/worked on.

 

Can't fault any of the above. Quoted for Truth AND the fact that you seem to have overlooked it.

 

If you are miserable, it's you who's doing it, and I agree, you really are not doing your kids any favours. You stay with them because of the way it makes you feel, not because of the benefit it brings them.

My niece lived in a home where her parents were strangers, and they claimed they both stayed together for her sake. Then, one day, they admitted to her they were finally going to split.

"At last, finally!" she exclaimed, "You should have done it a lot sooner and saved us all from this crappy existence! It won't be a moment too soon!"

 

Being a parent can be a thankless task, for many. For your kids, it's an inflicted torture, they will never thank you for, and indeed they may even eventually curse you for the impression of marriage and togetherness you have bequeathed on them. This is NOT how to establish and maintain an constructive relationship. Either together or apart.

 

I appreciate the situation seems tortuous, but it's not the only solution.

it just happens to be the solution YOU have chosen, and to be honest, from this side of the screen, it's not looking like the wisest choice you've made.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I hear you - I understand you - some similarities.

 

However, let me ask you something. Forget the marriage, your wife. Besides the jaded thing - how have you grown in 5 years? What new challenges have you taken on, things tried, career, health, life? You have some control over you.

 

The last 5 years have been great in many ways. Some of those ways we managed together. Professionally, things couldn't be going any better. We also moved to a new area, and built a beautiful house. Kids are doing great in school and socially, and to be honest, I don't have a lot to complain about in this life.

 

I am an avid outdoorsman, as are my sons, and as they've gotten older, we've been racing motocross together, joining surf contests, and climbing some peaks that very few boys their age would ever dream of. I went back to school to get a masters ( for work ) and because of this, have a new role that offers me global travel.

 

I'm a happy guy, even if it doesn't show in today's posts. Today is a really really bad day.

 

But I hear where you are coming from, and appreciate the sentiment. It would be easy to deduce from what I've shared today that I've spent the last 5 years feeling like I do right now, but that's not the case. It just hit hard today. A bit unexpectedly.

 

And I did what I was supposed to. I told her, she responded appropriately, and that is that. But you know how it goes.... it takes some time for the wave to pass. So you all have to suffer with my wave for a little bit. lol.

[TrustedthenBusted]

And another thing. I can understand how people feel like "staying for the kids" isn't the right choice. So I want to share my thoughts on it.

 

I've often referred to the kids as the "knot at the end of my rope" if not for them, I wouldn't even have considered reconciliation. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have suffered through the first 2.5 years of utter bull***** and lies, ultimately making it to a place where we could act like adults again . If not for them, I wouldn't be here now, venting my bad days here, so I don't do it when I walk in the door.

 

This isn't something you just "get over" or "let go." It's life changing, and takes a long time to get past. And you only get past it if you BOTH feel that way, and work at it. And working at it includes suffering through crappy days ( and sometimes weeks ) like the one I'm in right now. And if it weren't for them, I wouldn't even be trying. Nobody would tell a rape victim to just let it go. And that's sort of what we are. We've been emotionally violated against our will. And you need to find a reason to continue to move forward.

 

So... if it works, and our family stays intact, and things improve, I'll be damn glad I "stayed for the kids" because honestly, I can't think of a bette reason to keep trying.

Edited September 17, 2014 by TrustedthenBusted

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP. I can't fault your judgement - after all, when the good path is taken away from you and all that is left is sucky choices, staying close to your kids seems like holding on to all that remains best in life.

 

Glad the rest of your life has prospered rather than added to the disappointment also. That counters the hollowness too.

 

It nevertheless just sucks.

 

There are some correspondences with my own situation: Being Family Man was and is my own identity, it feels a bit hollow now and again when reminded that I can't trust her to have my back.

 

I sometimes think, well I could stay until the kids left home and then split, but I probably won't do that either. Or will I? On bad days that seems like a consolatory escape fantasy.

 

My wife also says right things *now*, knows she ****ed it up *now*. How does that help? It makes day to day interaction happen without friction. The illusion of happiness is quite deep.

 

But I know she doesn't have my back, I do not forget and I sure as hell don't forgive her. I will say this - I think she was just stupid and had her head up her ass, determinedly and selfishly for years.

 

I'm not "punishing" her now: but it has crimped my own happiness in so many ways: the cheery optimistic guy who genuinely saw good everywhere, that happy sucker is just gone. Poof. The guy substituted is now built of harder stuff, in some ways that is good. But I look back on the old me in his little happy bubble and envy the guy every now and again.

[dichotomy]

Guys - I get you very well. I don't really envy or miss the old me. If there is a benefit to all this it was the last kick in the pants I needed to make some deep changes. I am a better man, person, in many ways because of this, but also harder and less idealistic. My career, physical condition, self esteem, and respect/admiration from others continues to improve.

 

One down side I suppose of this new me... is that I struggle with the issue of remaining faithful to my wife.

 

There is "staying for the kids" - and then there is "the kids staying for me". That is there is mutual benefit to me and them for remaining in this marriage. Also frankly I tend to be stubborn and tend to stick with things I start and commit too.

 

I get the venting here. It gets repeititve sometimes, after all these years, but it helps relive pressure, and I don't always post the good stuff about my life, marriage and wife either. Last weekend my wife and I had a really good weekend, and really good sex as well (an issue she is struggling with.)

Edited September 18, 2014 by dichotomy

[TrustedthenBusted]

Nice one dichotomy! Reminded me of this song many of us will recognize.

 

You take the good, you take the bad,

you take them both and there you have

The facts of life, the facts of life.

 

There's a time you got to go and show

You're growin' now you know about

The facts of life, the facts of life.

 

When the world never seems

to be livin up to your dreams

And suddenly you're finding out

the facts of life are all about you, you.

 

It takes a lot to get 'em right

When you're learning the facts of life.

[JustJoe]

Seriously? A sitcom jingle?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Seriously? A sitcom jingle?

 

It was tough choice between The Facts of LIfe, Gimme a Break, or One Day At A Time.

[JustJoe]

Musical memories, all. I would have gone with the theme from Maude, Just sayin

[GoBlue]

I am so sorry for the heartache and pain you have endured and are still experiencing. I related very closely to many of the points you made. I want you to know, however, that things can change. If your wife has ended the affair and has agreed to stay, then steps can be taken to find healing and deliverance. Very few marriages that have experienced infidelity truly get better without some kind of help from a professional or third party of some kind.

 

I have spent several years counseling with and ministering to people in your position. If you and your wife care enough about your children to stay together then the two of you should care enough to do whatever it takes to change your relationship. I have seen it happen. Couples who thought there was no hope have experienced a true miracle with a complete turn-around.

 

Is she willing to go to counseling? There are some wonderful books about recovering from infidelity that could also be a huge help. The book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis could be a great place to start. There is also a phenomenal organization called The National Institute of Marriage that has a very high success rate at turning troubled marriages around. You can Google them or send me a private message for more information.

 

In summary, the heartache and pain of infidelity is truly overwhelming, don't try to get through this alone. There is help available and I hope that you and your wife will experience a true change. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[jnel921]

Staying in a M for the kids is the dumbest thing you can ever do. If you leave, life goes on. Right now you are robbing yourself of another chance at happiness. We only get one shot at this life!

 

Kids need to see two happy parents. You don't have to be with each other to show that. You aren't doing either of them any favors by staying in an unhappy M.

 

Leave.

[HereNorThere]

Her behavior went on so long that you safely say it wasn't a mistake, but more a personality trait. She's able to rationalize her actions and disregard empathy because it'a easier than admitting she's flawed. You simply can't undo years worth of lies and betrayal.

 

Instead of putting anymore energy into pretending this relationship is healthy, use that energy to fight for a better life and your kids. Do you really want to set an example that this behavior is acceptable to you? One day they will grow up and see your wife for the person she truly is. Do you want them to know that you allowed and enabled this kind of behavior and relationship? If your child was married to a person like your wife, would you want them to leave their tormentor and pursue a better a better life?