She says "I miss my playmate"

[ComingUpForAir]

 

 

Long story short. She cheated with a co-worker. A real sleazebag - tattoos and the works. She kept going back to him until I finally threatened divorce. It was almost a moot point because he left the workplace and moved out of state anyway. It's more complicated that all that, but I don't want to elaborate just yet.

 

 

Fast forward 2 years. And last Saturday, we're having sex after having gone to a wedding. She was drunk as was I - but she might have been a bit drunker. She's on top and at one point she pauses and seems absorbed by a thought .. I aske her what's up .. and she says "I miss my playmate".

 

 

I pushed her off to the side and I left the room. Next morning I went and rented an "executive" suite in town which is a hotel with a kitchen. I haven't spoken to her, but she's been calling my cell every 11 minutes. I don't think I can do this again.

[Buckeye2]

I don't think I can do this again.

 

Do you have kids? If you don't there is no reason you should. Do what is best for you.

[Be_Strong]

So in a moment of weakness and drunkeness, she slipped and said what she is probably thinking about 100 times a day for the past 2 years. It hurt to hear, I'm sure, but I think you need to get over it or at the least give her a chance to say sorry.

 

Read up on the stories here from WW's who are in the process of reconciliation with their husbands. They still have many thoughts throughout the day about their xOM, but simply keep those thoughts to themselves so they don't hurt their spouse. But the BH should still understand that the WW is internally struggling with those thoughts.

[james1989]

yeah i second what buckeye says if there are no kids involved its time to pull the plug.

[Be_Strong]

Did you think it would be easy to reconcile with your wife who had been having an affair on you? If the worst thing that has happened in the two years of your reconciliation is your wife making a stupid comment while really drunk, you should consider yourself lucky.

[ComingUpForAir]

Did you think it would be easy to reconcile with your wife who had been having an affair on you? If the worst thing that has happened in the two years of your reconciliation is your wife making a stupid comment while really drunk, you should consider yourself lucky.

Well she actually stopped having sex because her thoughts about this guy were too far in the forefront. This thing was never over in her head.

 

 

To answer questions: 2 kids. The oldest is 16, and I think he can handle it if we divorce.

[Sub]

Read up on the stories here from WW's who are in the process of reconciliation with their husbands. They still have many thoughts throughout the day about their xOM, but simply keep those thoughts to themselves so they don't hurt their spouse. But the BH should still understand that the WW is internally struggling with those thoughts.

 

Yeah, this situation is a lot different than almost all of those stories. Big difference between being honest about still thinking of someone occasionally, and choosing the moment your SO is inside of you to tell him you miss your AP.

[oldshirt]

Ouch! That would hurt. That's basically her saying she settled for the fall-back guy after tattoo man left town. Frankly I wouldn't blame you a bit if that was simply the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

But to be fair we really do need you to tell the whole story so we can see the bigger picture. Give us more background including your ages, how long together, kids and kids ages, how your R was in the beginning, when things started to go bad, events leading up to affair, how deep the affair and how long it lasted, how it came to light, and what steps have been taken to reconcile.

[Keenly]

So in a moment of weakness and drunkeness, she slipped and said what she is probably thinking about 100 times a day for the past 2 years. It hurt to hear, I'm sure, but I think you need to get over it or at the least give her a chance to say sorry.

 

Read up on the stories here from WW's who are in the process of reconciliation with their husbands. They still have many thoughts throughout the day about their xOM, but simply keep those thoughts to themselves so they don't hurt their spouse. But the BH should still understand that the WW is internally struggling with those thoughts.

 

Talk about playing the victim.

 

Cry me a blanking river.

[james1989]

Well she actually stopped having sex because her thoughts about this guy were too far in the forefront. This thing was never over in her head.

 

 

To answer questions: 2 kids. The oldest is 16, and I think he can handle it if we divorce.

 

have you seen your kids since saturday??

 

do they know what has happened??

 

how long did the affair last??

[ComingUpForAir]

Ouch! That would hurt. That's basically her saying she settled for the fall-back guy after tattoo man left town. Frankly I wouldn't blame you a bit if that was simply the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

But to be fair we really do need you to tell the whole story so we can see the bigger picture. Give us more background including your ages, how long together, kids and kids ages, how your R was in the beginning, when things started to go bad, events leading up to affair, how deep the affair and how long it lasted, how it came to light, and what steps have been taken to reconcile.

It does hurt. Sorry, I can't write lengthy stuff right now. I have a hard time sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time. I will fill in the détails tomorrow ..

[stillafool]

I don't think she was trying to be honest when she told him that. She was drunk and the truth popped out. She has been missing the OM for a long time and the fact that she kept running back to him after being caught is very telling about how she feels. If he hadn't moved away she would probably still be cheating with him. So many WW stay in their marriage because of security and for the kids but never get the OM out of their minds. They agonize over it. I think once sex is mind blowing for a woman it is hard for them to get over it.

[oldshirt]

Did you think it would be easy to reconcile with your wife who had been having an affair on you? If the worst thing that has happened in the two years of your reconciliation is your wife making a stupid comment while really drunk, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

No, this was a nuke from orbit. It wasn't just a stupid drunk comment. It shows she is dysfunctional sexually with her husband due to feelings and pining for her AP.

 

It's ;quite common for women to shut down sexually with their husbands during an affair due to feeling like they are cheating on their AP, but this is two years later.

 

...and even though people try to use being drunk as an excuse and get-out-of-jail-free card, what people say and do when they are drunk is often what they really feel.

 

 

This was a major bomb-drop.

Edited September 16, 2014 by oldshirt

[ComingUpForAir]

have you seen your kids since saturday??

 

do they know what has happened??

 

how long did the affair last??

 

 

No.

I didn't tell them anything.

Honestly, I don't even know. From what she says, 8 months with off periods in between. For all I know, it could be much longer.

[Buckeye2]

Well she actually stopped having sex because her thoughts about this guy were too far in the forefront.

 

We're having sex after having gone to a wedding. She was drunk as was I - but she might have been a bit drunker.

 

No, this was a nuke from orbit. It wasn't just a stupid drunk comment. It shows she is dysfunctional sexually with her husband due to feelings and pining for her AP.

 

She probably needed to be drunk to have carefree sex with her husband. Carefree sex reminded her of the OM.

Edited September 16, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Be_Strong]

Not enough information has been provided to know the situation. If the only thing mentioned by the OP is one comment made two years after the affair, I don't think that is enough by itself to tell somebody to leave. If there's a long history of problems or behaviors that show a reconciliation is not possible, then maybe the comment cements that position and leaving is the best option.

 

But if the OP didn't leave his wife when she was actually having an affair, it would seem odd to leave her because of something she says (assuming she isn't in an affair again).

[Sub]

But if the OP didn't leave his wife when she was actually having an affair, it would seem odd to leave her because of something she says (assuming she isn't in an affair again).

 

Depending on whether or not she committed to regaining his trust and working on the M, it's not odd at all. Most of us who have R'd did so due to such a commitment by the WS after D-Day. Things would definitely be different if my WW, after three years of showing how devoted she was to me, out of the blue told me she missed the OM. Especially while we were intimate. It would, at the very least, be time to re-think what we decided to embark upon as a couple after the A.

[Buckeye2]

Next morning I went and rented an "executive" suite in town which is a hotel with a kitchen. I haven't spoken to her, but she's been calling my cell every 11 minutes.

 

Text her and tell her that you are safe.

[thummper]

He comment would have been like a knife through my heart. I'd have been finished with her at that point. Call the other guy and tell him to come and get her. Help her pack her bags and tell her, "Go play, then! Lord knows I wouldn't want to deprive you of your buddy."

[Clay]

I would tell her nothing. I would just talk to the kids. They deserve to know you are ok. I would take more time for yourself to deal with this. Clearly she is still robbing you of the life you deserve. I personally would never recommend with staying with a cheater. I know there are people here that have been successful but they are just to rare. The damage you suffer just is not even worth it.

 

I had to learn this lesson the hard way and believe me I was glutton for punishment. I suffered ten years of my xW cheating on me. Never again will I allow someone to have that kind of access to me. There are far better women out there and believe me it can be so much nicer.

 

I think you did the right thing by leaving. I would have too.

 

Clay

[No Limit]

Let her go and be with her sleazeball. Sorry but the only reason she stayed with you was because you threatened with divorce - she should have been the one coming to you the moment you found out and above all be remorseful.

 

In my opinion, you wasted 2 more years. Don't waste even more, you can do better than a woman who dreams of screwing people living in trash bins when her thoughts should be focused on you.

[oldshirt]

If the only thing mentioned by the OP is one comment made two years after the affair, I don't think that is enough by itself to tell somebody to leave. If there's a long history of problems or behaviors that show a reconciliation is not possible, then maybe the comment cements that position and leaving is the best option.

 

But if the OP didn't leave his wife when she was actually having an affair, it would seem odd to leave her because of something she says (assuming she isn't in an affair again).

 

When you cheat on your spouse the risk you take is that your BS may thrown in the towel 2 hours, 2 days, 2 months, 2 years or even 2 decades after the affair.

 

People can always try to reconcile but it needs to be understood by both parties that there is no deadline to when someone has tried long enough and they don't have the will or the energy left inside them to continue.

 

People have thrown in the towel on reconciliation for a lot less a lot farther out than this.

 

Personally, I can't blame him a bit if this is the deal breaker or the straw that broke the camels back or whatever else you want to call it.

 

Sometimes you just suddenly realise you've used up all your free passes and there just isn't any hope any more. Too many trips to the well and the well runs dry, even if it was just a single glass of water in the end.

[Oberfeldwebel]

After two years you would have hoped that these feelings to have subsided. It makes me wonder if he had not moved if she would ever have stopped. I would also be concerned if there wasn't some kind of contact that has occurred in this time frame. It is understandable in the 1st year, but two years is a long time. Additionally, her timing sucks and would be awful tough to get over. Did you two undergo counseling after Dday? How did it go?

[DKT3]

There is a very good chance that she has romanticized that relationship like a teenager who's parent made her break up with the towns bad boy. Pure fantasy.

 

This would be soul crushing for me and really no way I could move on in the relationship. As emasculating as the affair itself was then to have her say during sex that she misses him would be the nail. I'm 7 years out, divorced, 1 and a half of almost NC (two small kids at the time), back together with the third on the way and if I heard that I would have simply walked away END for good.

[Bryanp]

I think when you said that the first time that she was having an affair for 8 months on and off and putting your health at risk for STD's and kept going back to him time and again says it all. She only stopped because you threatened divorce again says it all.

 

You deserve a whole lot better than this and there is no reason for you to settle. I do hope that you have been tested for STD's since the OM was such a sleazebag. If the roles had been reversed I doubt that she would have accepted this so why did you? She clearly has no respect for you.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?