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6 years of crazy


beyondsad

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If I have any advice to someone who discovers their H had an affair it would be to divorce them. Cut your loses and move on with your life. I am 6yrs out of discovering his affair then last year another and the strong happy woman I was before is forever gone. I have bargained with myself to stay because of 2 kids in college but in hindsight I just prolonged my misery.

 

I am almost done with paying for their college and bargain with myself daily to see this thru but in doing this the stress, sadness, indignity and overall humility of staying with him is killing me.

 

I know that the end of our marriage is nearing and I am sure we will both be relieved when it does. The kids will graduate with out any student loans and hopefully be independent and I will finally be free of this misery. Hate to be such a downer but I have to say I tried everything to make it work but the triggers, his ability to come clean and living in a small town and running into and hearing about the other women has been to much for me.

 

Six years ago I was strong, athletic, super healthy able to multi task. Now the strees , hypertension, inability to sleep and the struggle to get thru a stressful and demanding medical job daily has taken its toll. I also can not turn my mind off and think of his affairs and trigger still daily. I look at our wedding pictures and try to find the love we both had for each other but what it boils down too is his affairs killed it and he is not the man I thought he was or I would have never married him thats for sure.

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I am very sorry for your pain. Why did you stay with him so long if it was such an unhappy situation for you?

 

In some ways, your present unhappiness isn't even your husband's fault, but yours. Six years was plenty of time to get your life in order and make decisions about what you need to change in your life to make you happy.

 

You say you were an athletic, confident woman 6 years ago. Why did you let that woman disappear? There was no reason that you shouldn't have continued to do things that made you feel better about yourself.

 

I'm sorry this sounds harsh. I'm also a BW...nearly 6 years out (like you). I didn't handle things perfectly either but I was not going to let my H's actions destroy the good person I was before, during, and after his poor decisions to betray everything he knew.

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OP, my sympathies. As a medical professional, you're likely very sensitive to health issues and understand the integration of mind and body in such matters. We only get one life to live, it's brief and extremely tenuous under the best of circumstances. I wish you only the best in getting beyond this and returning to the health you formerly enjoyed.

 

If you haven't already done so, I'd suggest getting a referral to an IC for some exit counseling to process all this as your M winds down and you look to the future. A good IC can teach tools for processing those triggers and the attendant emotions.

 

If it helps, set a timeline, put it on a big private calendar and mark off each day with an X. Stick to your timeline. It'll work out. Best wishes.

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Believe me looking back I wished I had of just divorced him. After the first A my recovery was slow but I gave him the benefit of doubt of making a mistake, counseling, recovery and having high school kids and lots of promises from him I decided to hang in there and I was getting better. Now last year after finding about another affair with a good friend of mine it has devastated me. Feel like I will never recover. Of course he does not want to seperate and wants to work it out. And in his mind we are. But I am struggling emotionally. I want my kids to get thru school and financially they need our help. If we seperate will will not be able to afford to pay without loans. My goal for them and us is no student loans so I guess I am basically just bitching abut my life.

 

I know we are both hanging in there because we don't want to walk away from all we have built together especially the family dynamics (kids don't know about #2 ow ). I hide crazy well but I am just venting. Infidelity sucks!

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Ma'am, I feel for you. It seems you sacrificed yourself for your family. But your kids are all grown up; they will understand that you need to be happy, too. Make a clean break and start afresh.

 

As to what you've built together, is it worth all the pain? You can cash out your share of the partnership and build a new life. Who knows, maybe with someone out there who will treat you right.

 

Start loving yourself more, one baby step at a time. You can do it. We are rooting for you.

Edited by CaryAlston
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But I am struggling emotionally. I want my kids to get thru school and financially they need our help. If we seperate will will not be able to afford to pay without loans. My goal for them and us is no student loans so I guess I am basically just bitching abut my life.

 

I know we are both hanging in there because we don't want to walk away from all we have built together especially the family dynamics (kids don't know about #2 ow ). I hide crazy well but I am just venting. Infidelity sucks!

 

I guarantee if you told your kids that the cost of their debt-free college education was your sanity and emotional well-being, they'd say "I'd rather take out a loan". No one should make themselves a martyr over material things and financial issues, just not worth it. I don't know of anyone who said on their deathbed "Wish I'd made another $100K".

 

Even more startling, you don't sound like you're purposefully on your way out the door? A wise person gave this advice - If I have any advice to someone who discovers their H had an affair it would be to divorce them. Cut your loses and move on with your life.

 

Are you going to follow it :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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Of course he does not want to seperate and wants to work it out. And in his mind we are. But I am struggling emotionally. I want my kids to get thru school and financially they need our help.

 

I know we are both hanging in there because we don't want to walk away from all we have built together especially the family dynamics (kids don't know about #2 ow ). I hide crazy well but I am just venting. Infidelity sucks!

 

Bah, who cares if your H thinks the two of you are working it out? He screwed that up with his actions.

 

Also, another thought...I have children in college and I too am dealing with paying tuition and working through financial aid matters. If you and your H split and there were 2 households to support (yours and his) that will likely make an impact on your financial aid situation. In other words, your children might receive aid such as grants or work-study because their parents' financial picture has changed because of the split.

 

Either way, if you have it in your mind that you've only stayed with him to provide a way to pay for your childrens' college education, then you have your end-goal in sight. Your marriage is a business arrangement now and that arrangement will end as soon as the last one is done with their education.

 

Have you used this time to prepare yourself for your next phase of your life? Or, are you still spending time wondering, why me and being anguished over your husband's choices?

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I have been preparing and I am still anguishing so yes to both. At this point I am committed to seeing the kids thru school. They play D1 sports and I am not willing to trade my ability to fly to their games and financially support them. I have little over year left so really this forum is just a bitching session and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes session.

 

I have to admit I do feel sorry for myself at times but your comments and views remind me that I am a strong woman and will be that free spirit again but not for a little while

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The other way of looking at this (trying to be positive and all that) is to say, I wasted 6 years, but I won't waste another 6!

 

If it doesn't sound too dark, maybe you should treat the coming year like you would an upcoming holiday. You know when you your children finish college. So plan the serving of the divorce papers for the day after. Then work back, start clearing out stuff you don't want from the house. Get fit again. Decide where you'd like to live. etc. Use the next 12 months as an excuse to plan your escape and your new future.

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Yes good advice! In my head I have alot of my plans already. As a medical professional, just scarey to see how the stress has affected my health. I have been establishing a set of old friends and resuming old activities that I use to enjoy.

 

Again this is a bitch session for me and the anguish that goes along. My fairytale of a perfect life is disappointing and all our adventures we had planned going down the tube sucks!

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all our adventures we had planned going down the tube sucks!

Doesn't seem like your husband ever really planned to go with you given the places he's gone without you. I'd be fairly heartless in making plans to move ahead without him.

 

If you're in your 40's, lots of life ahead of you. And that life may very well include watching your kids graduate, develop careers, marry and bring grandkids into your life. When looking back is painful, always better to look forward :) ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I have little over year left so really this forum is just a bitching session and feel sorry for myself for a few minutes session.

 

In the grand scheme of things, one more year is not a lot of time. It will go by quickly and you will power through. The stress will not be as bad once you have come to accept your situation and start looking forward to and preparing for your future.

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They should sticky that first post to show why you never try to reconcile if you do not intend to follow it with your heart. Doing it just for kids...

 

Imagine the other path taken...

 

 

Makes me sad for OP.

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If you made the choice to stay...you should have made a choice to be happy.

The best revenge is happiness. You should have stayed fit, took care of yourself, made more friends, join classes, clubs, anything to keep you busy. Ignored him and live your life. I am sure his head would have turned in wonder...

 

But you chose to stay there and have a pity party for yourself. Its been 6 years. No one is worth that. Now you want to tell women to leave?

 

You still have time to rebuild your self esteem and start loving the person who needs you the most, YOU!

 

Get it together and leave. The sacrifice is not worth it. I am sure you can do the same thing living out of another relatives house. food for thought.

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If you made the choice to stay...you should have made a choice to be happy.

The best revenge is happiness. You should have stayed fit, took care of yourself, made more friends, join classes, clubs, anything to keep you busy. Ignored him and live your life. I am sure his head would have turned in wonder...

 

But you chose to stay there and have a pity party for yourself. Its been 6 years. No one is worth that. Now you want to tell women to leave?

 

You still have time to rebuild your self esteem and start loving the person who needs you the most, YOU!

 

Get it together and leave. The sacrifice is not worth it. I am sure you can do the same thing living out of another relatives house. food for thought.

 

Yeah... blame the victim. Great plan. :rolleyes:

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If you made the choice to stay...you should have made a choice to be happy.

The best revenge is happiness. You should have stayed fit, took care of yourself, made more friends, join classes, clubs, anything to keep you busy. Ignored him and live your life. I am sure his head would have turned in wonder...

 

But you chose to stay there and have a pity party for yourself. Its been 6 years. No one is worth that. Now you want to tell women to leave?

 

You still have time to rebuild your self esteem and start loving the person who needs you the most, YOU!

 

Get it together and leave. The sacrifice is not worth it. I am sure you can do the same thing living out of another relatives house. food for thought.

 

I agree with this^^^

 

But, the OP said she was using her thread as an opportunity to vent, which is great, that's what we are here for.

 

OP, how ya' doing today? :)

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Beyondsad, I understand the wear and tear completely. Although the advice folks are giving is solid/good there arises again that "you are responsible for your own happiness" theme...and that pisses me off. True as it may be the complexities of one's personality, situation, responsibilities etc. makes me kick that BS mantra to the curb. Even if you walked 6 years ago, you would bear the scars of his infidelity. You may be in a happier place but the scar would still be there. Depending on the individual, that kind of betrayal is in fact destructive. I can tell you I have been there and I was forever changed and not for the better (and yes folks I did all the counseling etc.) Some folks are not effected that way...bully for them and I mean that sincerely. But there are those of us that get broken...and we get put back together...but the pieces never fit the same way no matter how much glue is used. Ultimately we become something/someone else over time and if we are vigilant the changes can be positive but we are never the same.

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gettingstronger

but the pieces never fit the same way no matter how much glue is used. Ultimately we become something/someone else over time and if we are vigilant the changes can be positive but we are never the same.

 

 

Totally agree-I miss the old me- there are lots of positives to the new me, but honestly, I was fine with the old me- I could have gone my whole life without "growing and getting stronger" from this experience-

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I guess maybe I look at things differently. There are things that can be learned from infidelity. I am certainly not condoning it, not at all, but I can honestly say that I definitely took a different approach to my relationships, having been betrayed all of those years ago.

 

When I found out my then husband was having an affair I did try to stay.... for about two weeks. I was FLOORED by this revelation. Never even occurred to me that this could happen to ME. I realized that this little mess he created had the potential to destroy me.. to destroy my confidence, my self worth, all of it. And I realized... he's gotta go! I will not let what he did destroy me. And i know that staying him with do that very thing. I was not going to be that woman who was constantly checking up on her husband (even temporarily).

 

No one should trust anyone other than them self 100%. It just is not smart. No other person (man or woman) should be capable of destroying your world. I love my husband and am extremely happy and grateful to be his wife. That said, if he leaves me tomorrow, I will not die.

 

I don't think it really has a different outcome if someone stays after infidelity or leaves. The important thing (whether you stay or go) is that you value yourself higher than anyone or anything, and learn that nothing will ever have the power to destroy you.

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If you only have a bit less than a year left in that sham of a marriage, how about planning a big party to celebrate your divorce? You could also make it a 'coming out' party and announce the reason of the divorce in front of everybody while your STBX stands in the middle of the room... :laugh:

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Beyondsad, I understand the wear and tear completely. Although the advice folks are giving is solid/good there arises again that "you are responsible for your own happiness" theme...and that pisses me off. True as it may be the complexities of one's personality, situation, responsibilities etc. makes me kick that BS mantra to the curb. Even if you walked 6 years ago, you would bear the scars of his infidelity. You may be in a happier place but the scar would still be there. Depending on the individual, that kind of betrayal is in fact destructive. I can tell you I have been there and I was forever changed and not for the better (and yes folks I did all the counseling etc.) Some folks are not effected that way...bully for them and I mean that sincerely. But there are those of us that get broken...and we get put back together...but the pieces never fit the same way no matter how much glue is used. Ultimately we become something/someone else over time and if we are vigilant the changes can be positive but we are never the same.

 

I hated to see the OP stuck in a place of misery for 6 years, as she described. As a general question to anyone, what is the alternative to not being responsibile for your own happiness? Is it being stuck in misery because of your spouse's lousy choices? Shouldn't a BS try to make the situation better for themselves-whatever that may mean to each person individually?

 

Being stuck in an unhappy situation-and allowing yourself (general you) to stay there-is giving your lousy cheating spouse and the disgusting affair even more power over your life.

 

And trust me, my H's affair affected me profoundly...so I am not one of those who was not "bothered" as was emphasized here. :)

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Being stuck in an unhappy situation-and allowing yourself (general you) to stay there-is giving your lousy cheating spouse and the disgusting affair even more power over your life.

 

^^^ This!

 

beyondsad, you've allowed your husband's infidelity to define the last 6 years of your life, IMHO a huge price to pay. I wouldn't throw good time after bad...

 

Mr. Lucky

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One thing you need to remember: If you wait for the "right time" to leave (or get pregnant or quit your job or go back to school - etc.) then you will never leave. The right time never seems to come so you are going to have to screw up your courage at some time and just walk out the door.

 

As for your opinion that BS's should not even attempt to reconcile with a cheating spouse, I agree 100%. Of course I will now hear from the rare BS's & WS's who claim their marriage is better and that they don't regret reconciling but I don't care. The odds of a BS ever forgetting and truly forgiving are so small as to be nearly zero. So the BS better understand that they are going to have to live with ugly memories that trigger at random times and that they are going to look at their WS in that instant and hate them with everything they have. They will be times when the BS will hate themselves for not divorcing the cheater no matter what their excuse for not doing it at them time was.

 

If you are one of the very rare BS's who don't agree that ending the marriage when your spouse cheated then good for you. I don't care. I know I'm right in the vast majority of cases and many, many therapists & victims agree with me. Infidelity just causes too much damage to the betrayed and divorcing helps the healing process more than any other single thing.

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