Is my husband cheating?

[adrian77]

My husband shows no interest in me. We have been married 4 years, lived together for 6. I have to pretty much beg for sex. At the most I get it once a week but usually once a month. He hasn't initiated sex in 5 years. I ask and his usual answer is not now. Or I have to start touching it as he tells me not to and I don't listen and just keep going when finally it starts to feel good to him and he lets it happen. Usually he moves and won't let me touch it though.

 

If I try to make out with him he usually pulls away. Sometimes he will comply but I can always feel he is not into it and after a few minutes he will pull away and say "ok" like we are done and then says he doesn't want me to get turned on. It's so hurtful. He barely turns me on anymore. I sometimes pretend to get excited in hopes he will but he doesn't. He never once went down on me. I like giving him oral but he never wants it. He liked to cuddle the first year or so but now not a all. He also doesn't even like massages or me just rubbing his head. All he wants to do is play games on his computer (he is an obsessive gamer) and drink a 6 pack or half a bottle of vodka or whisky.

 

I ask him to cut down on drinking and sometimes he will for a few weeks but it doesn't last. His drinking is sporadic though. Sometimes he will drink all week. Sometimes he will skip a week. Sometimes a couple times a week. He is 41 and about 75 lbs overweight but won't do anything about it. He is on BP meds as well. I am about 30 lbs overweight but I exercise. I have lost and gained but that has made no difference in our sex life. When we first starting dating I was about the same weight and he was all about sex then. It was when things got serious that it changed. At first he used to sext, talk dirty, it was fun. Now he will never do that. If I send him a sexual text he just answers haha. It is so frustrating. I asked him if he was having an affair and he said he doesn't have a sex drive so why would he. I told him that is the wrong answer and he said well I love you also I would never cheat. I would leave before I cheat. He is always home.

 

So he would either have to be doing it at work or when I go out with friends. I look over his shoulder when he is on his phone or computer and I never noticed anything suspicious but he does have a lock on his phone. When he do have sex it takes forever for him to get hard and sometimes he goes soft during sex. He says it's because he was trying to hold out for me. Not sure that is why. One time he agreed to watch porn. That was a 1 time thing and he won't do it again. After one clip he was hard. Doesn't that prove it's me then and not low T? If my hand and mouth can't get him hard fast but once clip of porn can? He used to get hard just kissing me at beginning. Makes me think maybe he is screwing someone on his lunch break or something. He wouldn't talk to the dr about low T and then finally said he did but she doesn't treat for it.

 

If I ignore him though he can handle it. He will kiss me or ask me whats wrong and tells me he loves me (he says it a lot but does he?) etc but never will he try to have sex with me. He also never seems to wonder about me. If I'm out and he doesn't hear from me for a while he will text me but he never seems jealous or even wonders who I'm texting or what I'm doing.

Edited September 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[J2911]

There is something seriously wrong for sure .

It's not uncommon for an alcoholic to have low sex drives.

I question staying online and drinking daily. When a game takes priority over your partnership then that is a serious problem .

I think it may be time to enter some couples counseling or time to separate and move on from this marriage . You're miserable obviously and nobody she stay in a miserable marriage.

[ja123]

He sounds depressed, and is using computer games, food, and booze to self-medicate.

 

 

Depression can make you lose your sex drive.

 

 

He ought to see a doctor (for medication, possibly) and a therapist. He might not even know why he is feeling the way he is.

 

 

I wouldn't necessarily say he is cheating.

 

 

If you are unhappy, and he continues not to deal with his problems which are negatively impacting you, then you'll need to decide whether this is the right relationship for you.

[whatatangledweb]

It sounds like he has a very low sex drive. There are actually many people like this who are not cheating. Have you asked him why he has no interest in sex ? There could be many reasons for it.

[loveboid]

I bet he's addicted to gaming. Sounds like he's getting addicted to alcohol too.

 

People have died gaming. They game days straight and die of exhaustion. Maybe he needs to get out more? Exercise would help him feel better.

 

Maybe there is a lady gamer online he talks to?

[atreides]

Your husband does not sound like he is cheating, but sounds depressed.... he is coping with alcohol and other means.

 

Getting hard from porn the one time does not mean much... anything new is strong stimuli... such as your experiences we have talked about. However, that does not mean it is you. He clearly takes the time to say he loves you... that is in my opinion a good sign and "not just going through the motions" you seem to pick at everything which makes it worse as well.

 

You need to lay down your needs and clearly spell out the consequences if he is not wiling to work with you. You owe it to yourself and the marriage.

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Realist3]

To me it sounds like your husband has just checked out of the marriage, not necessarily cheating. I wouldn't focus on looks or weight, but more along the lines of personality conflicts. Do you fight a lot? Are there things you both enjoy doing together?

 

From reading some of your other threads is sounds like maybe you two picked the wrong person.

[Hope Shimmers]

OP, it takes two to fix a marriage. I think you should separate/file for divorce and see if that wakes him up. You have to do something, and your current strategy of doing nothing is getting you - predictably - nowhere.

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2sunny]

What difference would it make if he was cheating?

 

What would you do differently?

 

No, I don't think your H is cheating.

 

I think you're both very immature and not at all good at being married.

Edited September 15, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[William]

Folks, as a reminder, this thread is seeking advice regarding whether a particular spouse is cheating. Any reference to other threads/members shall be in accordance with our published guidelines and is generally discouraged, as each thread is its own topic. Please see this link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/326395-you-right-forum-update-july-30-2013-a#post5090923

 

Discussion of other aspects of the thread starter's marriage are welcomed in the threads pertaining to those aspects. This one is examining whether or not and why, or not, her H is cheating. Members may discuss aspects in the postings moved by moderation in this existing thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/489375-need-some-help-about-my-one-time-infidelity

Edited September 15, 2014 by William
Thread cleanup

[dichotomy]

Like others - I don't think he is cheating,perhaps more porn use then you might know. But you could always increase the spying just to make sure if he is not cheating - or if he is hiding other things. 75 lbs and drinking frequently will knock out sex drive, and there is likely mental illness going on (depression or something).

 

Still I will always take the point that even when a spouses own drive is down - they should care enough to try to take care of their spouses sexual needs.