I thought he hung the moon.....

[Saysomething]

Hi I am new here and I am looking for advice, insight,anything really. I really need someunbiased opinions from people who have dealt with infidelity and depression.

 

Here is a little background before I get into myissues. Hubby and I have been married ayear and a half, together for 3 years. We have a 14 month old son together and I have 2 teenage daughters froma previous marriage. I am 8 years olderthan him. We met through a mutual friend and right away we had lots and lots ofchemistry. My girls loved him and hejust seemed to fit right in our family. Ourage difference has never seemed to be an issue and in fact he even seemed moremature than I was in some ways. Likemyself he is responsible and holds a good job.

 

We moved fast. We had a lot of passion, sex was amazing. Ibecame pregnant just 10 months into our relationship. We were both thrilled while we still admittedthat we were scared as we not exactly planning for a baby at the moment. However it we had not exactly been takingcorrect precautions against it either. We got married and this was his idea. He surprised me with a grand proposal and we were both very happy. Fast forward to 6 mths pregnant. The sex just stopped. I hadnever been rejected by him and it just devastated me. I have been battling with over him over oursex life ever since that night. Ifigured it had to be because I was pregnant and told myself it would get betterwhen baby got here. Nope......

 

He gives me every excuse in the book as to why he cannothave sex. He is tired, his stomachhurts, he is stressed, he feels fat. Ihave heard them all. While I have tried to be sympathetic to him,it really hurts my feelings and I have cried myself to sleep many nights. I donot consider myself an unattractive woman and my self-esteem has quicklyplummeted. I was ok with it for a fewmonths after baby because while the sex was not there we would still talk aboutit and he would hold and comfort me. Hewas still very affectionate and always told me that I was beautiful. While I really wanted sex with him I waswilling to compromise and I just figured then it was part of being new parentsand it would work itself out eventually.

 

So now, why I am here on this forum. Two months ago, my world collapsed. We had been incurring outlandish fees from dataoverage on our cell phones so I decided to go online and check out our cellphone records. I noticed immediately thathe had four times as many texts as myself and the same with minutes. When I dug a little deeper I realized theywere all to one particular number. Hewas texting this same number from the minute he walked out the door in themorning until he went to sleep. This hadbeen going on for about about 2 months. I lost it because I knew right away that it had to be another woman. I called him at work and he would not tell mewho it was so I told him I was leaving work to pack his bags. If he wanted to stop me then he better takerest of day as a sick day too. He met meat home about 2 hrs later. Calls her onthe way of course. It took him all nightbut he finally told me who she was. Shewas in his NG unit and they met and became close during AT. Heswore that they were only friends and he would stop talking to herimmediately. I was pissed but I believedhim and I wanted to work things out. Atfirst he was defensive and even said he wanted a divorce. Then as the night went on he was very apologetic and wanted to work thingsout. Two days later I discovered he wasstill talking to her so we went round and round again. This time he called her in front of me andtold her they couldn't talk, he blocked her and said he would go to counselingwith me. I even texted her and she gaveme same story of course. He later toldme she was married herself and having marital issues. They were just helping each other workthrough them. I did get to see her FBpage before she blocked me and she looks a lot like me but of course younger.

 

Our life since has been hell. He did go to 5 counseling sessions with meand issues such as him being stressed and mildly depressed is why he wastalking to someone else. He does notenjoy sex at all anymore. He did get hisTestosterone levels checked and they are very low but the treatments are nothelping at all. At first I was in"do whatever I could to save this marriage" mode. In counseling he said that I was clingy and thathe hates that. I have never been accused of being a clingyperson but yes when I discovered he was talking to someone else I admit I didbecome a little clingy wanting him to reassure me. I have been emotional and he said it justmade everything worse. He has not beensupportive at all and it hurts. I feellike he wants to just end it but as soon as I'm almost out the door he wants totalk and hold me and tell me that is not what he wants. He is pissed because I keep saying he had anaffair but in his eyes he didn't. I feellike all the innocence in our marriage is gone. I feel blindsided and I just want my life back. I feel as though I am living with a stranger instead of the man Imarried. We just keep going in circlesand I feel it is because he is not trying to fix this. I don't know whether to give up or keepfighting. I can already feel myselfbecoming indifferent to him. What should I do? Our counseling sessions are over as I only got5 free sessions through my employer and now he just refuses to go back. Should I leave him for a few weeks? Should I just back off and let him be? I really have no idea how to act around himanymore. I am so uncomfortable because Icannot talk about things without him getting pissed off. I havetried writing him letters but he does not even acknowledge them. He is always asking me what is wrong and I amlike what the hell do you think? I amfreaking depressed and he just wants to sweep it under the rug and never talkabout it again! I love him with all my heart I really do but Ican feel myself slowly losing my admiration for him and beginning to just thinkI married an @sshole. Any advice? Sorry I know this is long and I trulyappreciate it if you made it this far. Thank you

[Mint Sauce]

Saysomething, that sounds like a horrible situation for you and your new son. In any case, it shouldn't be spun out endlessly.

 

if you need more elements to make up your mind, you could consider talking to her husband, to verify whether the story they gave you at least matches the story he was told. Did you check the phone records all the way back to that time when he went off sex with you?

 

My fear is that you've only seen the tip of the ice berg...

 

I'd say that you have reasons enough to move out or kick him out, whatever is legally possible in your area.

 

It sad that you find yourself having to end another relationship with a kid(s) involved, but at least you probably know the drill, and you know that you'll recover from this.

 

PS: people will suggest you gather evidence of an affair. You can do so if required for a divorce, but if you're in a no-guilt area, I wouldn't bother.

[Saysomething]

Thank you for replying, Mint Sauce. I did check phone records and his story lines up with when the calls and messages started. I have considered contacting her husband but I fear that if they are in NC this would just be an excuse for her to contact him. I believe her husband is also 100% unaware of anything which is sad.

 

I have not researched whether or not I am in a no guilt area but thank you for the suggestion. I will be sure to do this.

[dichotomy]

Affairs (emotional or otherwise)... combined with low or no sex WS.... are a really devastating - heartbreaking, soul crushing..... I know this very well. I am so sorry for you.

 

thoughts...

 

 

1) You don't have all the evidence to confirm the extent of his affair - it was emotional affair for sure (its bull**** that he denies this - my wife did for a while till the therapist called her on it)...but without emails, FB message or texts you will never know. Have you asked him to open these accounts to you - or better yet put spyware on the PC, and put a VAR in his car for sure.

 

2)5 sessions is not enough not even a tiny fraction. Will your insurance cover more?

 

3)You need to go to a good therapist and one who might have a sexual therapy sub specialty. There is a website for these types of therapists. The therapist MUST call him on adultery (emotional affair) and to be transparent. If your therapist is to wishy washy - call around for one who calls it as he sees it. Suggest a male therapist.

 

3)Ok - low testosterone replacement/supplementation is a tricky thing. Many types of treatments from gels to patches to shots. Getting the dosage and timing right takes several follow-ups. Also finding the target level that works for each man is different than another. Lastly taking extra testosterone can mess up a mans Estradiol - making more female hormone in the body. Again hormone replacement in male or females is a tricky thing and requires many follow tests and consults.

 

4) If he is suffering from depression - he needs IC, and possible depression medicine. If it is recommended he should consider Welbrutrin as this has an additional side benefit of stimulating sex drive and working on depression - but it can stimulate anxiety or aggression. Also if he is having weight or body issues - he needs to workout and watch his diet.

 

5) It sounds like you have taken some strong positions - keep it up, give it a while longer. You can always divorce later.

Edited September 11, 2014 by dichotomy

[Be_Strong]

What do you know about your husband's prior relationship history? Based on your description, he may be a serial monogamist who craves the passion and "in love" feelings that come with new relationships and puts 110% into the relationship because he finally found "the one." But when the feelings and passion inevitably start to die down, he will interpret it as not being in love anymore and want to move on to the next woman. The next woman predictably triggers those same feelings of passion that he craves renewing the cycle. I wouldn't be surprised if he is perfectly able to have (and want) sex with this other woman.

[Saysomething]

Thank you, dichotomy , it has been very hard and I appreciate your kind words.

1.) I have not read any messages. He conveniently deleted all of them. We do not own a PC. The only device that he would be contacting her on would be his iphone. I have considered a VAR but I have no idea where to even start looking for one. I actually just heard of them for the first time by reading a few posts on this forum.

 

2.) My insurance will cover up to 80% for MC which is good I think. However, he refuses to consider even going back. He did not like the therapist and he always refers back to his parents that were in counseling for years and it did not work for them.

 

3.) He actually has follow up appointment this week to test his levels again. As I said I have not seen any results from this.

 

4.) I could not agree more that he needs IC and I have told him this. As I said before he just wants to sweep it all under the rug and is denying there are still issues to be resolved.

 

5.) I will not live in a sexless marriage. I feel so unloved and alone right now and I cannot survive this way. I am trying my best to try to get a full understanding of where we stand but it is very difficult when I feel as though I am doing 100% of the work. I do plan on trying to stick it out longer.

 

Thank you again and please keep the advice coming. The advice and insight means so much to me right now.

[Saysomething]

Be_Strong, that has actually crossed my mind as well. He has mentioned before that we just do not have the fire anymore. I said well I can help us get that back if you would let me! He was married for 3 years before me but he was gone 6 months out of the marriage for training. When he came back home, he said the marriage was different and that they had lost their connection. He also suspected that she was having an affair with their neighbor. He could never prove this and he said that she went out and partied all the time, never wanted to spend time with him and she eventually moved out. I was his first relationship after the divorce. I believe he feels as though he did not give himself enough time to heal.

[tuxedo cat]

My advice is that you leave him now. You've online been married a year and he can't keep his pants on figuratively or literally, even with a new baby on the way. He isn't even remorseful.

[DKT3]

This is huge for you only many levels. In my opinion the first and most important are the eyes. The eyes of your daughters watching to see how you handle this relationship. It will lay the foundation of their future relationships.

 

Secondly, you can't "fix" him nor can you want it enough for both of you. You have to make decision from now moving forward with you and the kids in mind. If he jumps on the ship great, but make sure you don't justify his actions.

 

Third lay down the law. Sadly most of us men will do as much or little as the women in our lives will accept. Make him meet you or as hard as it may be move on.

 

Sorry for you pain, been there. Such a confusing time, every choice feels wrong, but doing nothing is much worse.

[No Limit]

Get your divorce rolling. He won't give up on his OW, he could care less about your or your families' needs and he has deeper issues he doesn't even want to touch with a 10-feet-pole.

 

I'm afraid you fell for a total loser (nothing sadder than a man unable to pleasure his wife). I don't think you should even start gathering evidence to confront him, he'll just continue to rugsweep and brush you off. He's not as responsible as you think, and the fact that he's told you his ex wife had an affair is laughable and a big indicator for you who the real cheating spouse was and is. How ridiculous that even years later he's incapable of hiding an affair properly!

[Mr. Lucky]

I have considered contacting her husband but I fear that if they are in NC this would just be an excuse for her to contact him. I believe her husband is also 100% unaware of anything which is sad.

Question - But if he's blocked her and is committed to NC, how would she contact him ?

 

Answer - he hasn't and isn't. And in your heart you know this.

 

The truth is you're now paying the price for rushing into the relationship, pregnancy and marriage. I say this not to point fingers but you didn't really know him or his history. And now you do.

 

Look, in the first year he's stopped having sex with you; lied, deceived and cheated on you; declined to participate in the recovery.

 

The message seems pretty clear, to ignore it seems pretty foolish. Sorry this has all happened, it's a lot to process. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Saysomething]

DKT3, you are right as I do not want my daughters to believe that this behavior is acceptable. To my knowledge, they are not aware of anything that is going on. I am sure they have noticed a change in my behavior but they have not mentioned it. I may be dead wrong as they are smart so they may have it all figured out and are just not saying anything. I will heed your advice, it is good.

[Saysomething]

Question - But if he's blocked her and is committed to NC, how would she contact him ?

 

Answer - he hasn't and isn't. And in your heart you know this.

 

Good point and yes you are right my heart and my gut will not let me deny it.

 

Look, in the first year he's stopped having sex with you; lied, deceived and cheated on you; declined to participate in the recovery.

 

 

All true! I did rush in and I didn't know him which was dumb on my part I know.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for replying, Mint Sauce. I did check phone records and his story lines up with when the calls and messages started. I have considered contacting her husband but I fear that if they are in NC this would just be an excuse for her to contact him. I believe her husband is also 100% unaware of anything which is sad.

 

I have not researched whether or not I am in a no guilt area but thank you for the suggestion. I will be sure to do this.

 

Do get yourself checked for STD's, god forbid he's given you something.

 

And yes, DO tell her husband. He needs to know so he can make a decision on what to do next.

 

Your husband has cheated - Fact. Sadly, he is still in touch with her, things are on hold and it's only a matter of time before they start up again anyway. You have nothing to lose by telling her H.

 

Your H isn't remorseful, he reacted out of desperation. Kick him out. tell him to pack his bags and GO meet up with the MW (married woman) at a hotel, and that you're done.

 

Sadly, it seems he probably has been cheating for longer than you think.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Take care of you and your kids now....IF by chance he is remorseful and wants to really recommit to you and the marriage, he needs to prove himself to you and he hasn't done that (yet). He is not the man you married...He's a liar, sneaky and manipulative.

[Saysomething]

So what is best way to tell OW husband? He has FB page but has not been on it since February. I know where he works. Do I him there? Any advice? Also what is best recording device?

[tnimbus]

I'm so sorry you're going through this Say something....I wish it was different for you.

I have to agree with the above poster who said that your H is one of those people for whom "love" wears off when that first burst of chemistry wears off. There are many people like this in our culture, and many of the movies, tv shows, books etc. that are popular extoll this "idea" of "love". It is almost epidemic....and it isn't your fault. Please try to keep that in mind.

Yes, you guys did rush into things, there wasn't enough time to become used to each other's daily presence before marriage and new baby. I'm not trying to judge or point fingers..it's hard not to give in to new and passionate feelings..they are intoxicating. I don't judge you for thinking the future was golden...I've fallen for it too in the past.

But...now the piper has come to be paid....and unfortunately you're the one that is going to pay. I do truly wish this was different for you. It is up to you what to do...but people who feel this way about "love" have a very hard time changing. He will need to see it in himself and then work on it. This could take years.

Do you have years to wait while he works through all of this?

[whichwayisup]

So what is best way to tell OW husband? He has FB page but has not been on it since February. I know where he works. Do I him there? Any advice? Also what is best recording device?

 

You can try to contact him through facebook, leave a message. He may be on it but just doesn't post much. You could find out where he lives and send a registered letter to the home, or try calling him at work to set up a time to come talk to you.

[Jessicune]

Saysomething, you mentioned things about your husband's unit and training. Is he in the military? If so, I would go to his superiors with the phone records and show them what is going on between the two. Even better if you find more evidence. Adultery is not allowed and they could both be demoted or even discharged. Even if he isn't in the military, I doubt his superiors would like this going on within their company. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I hope you heal from this hurt soon.

[dichotomy]

So what is best way to tell OW husband? He has FB page but has not been on it since February. I know where he works. Do I him there? Any advice? Also what is best recording device?

 

 

Try FB messaging, then after a week - work.

 

As for a recorder something like this voice activated unit works very well, small, looks like a USB drive, can be put in small crevices in car or home..or in your pocket if your having conversations with a WS - especially one you might be in the process of divorcing and wish to record what is said to you.

 

Voice Recorder USB - FD25 | PenRecorderPro

Edited September 12, 2014 by dichotomy

[2sunny]

Thank you for replying, Mint Sauce. I did check phone records and his story lines up with when the calls and messages started. I have considered contacting her husband but I fear that if they are in NC this would just be an excuse for her to contact him. I believe her husband is also 100% unaware of anything which is sad.

 

I have not researched whether or not I am in a no guilt area but thank you for the suggestion. I will be sure to do this.

 

Contact her husband immediately.

 

Your husband hasn't had enough consequences to get motivated to repair the damage he caused - heck, he won't even admit that it was an affair.

 

Kick him out today and make him scared - SO scared that he gets willing to do anything you require - or it's over (which it looks like it already is now).

[jnel921]

Trust his first response. He said he didn't love you and wanted a divorce. This is how he has been treating you for a long time. My first H said that too and he meant it. I packed all of his sh** while I was pregnant with our second child and never took his cheating a$$ back. That was over 17 years ago.

 

Him turning around and saying he was sorry and took it back may be him realizing the reality of what will happen when he leaves. Can he make it on his own? Are you the head of your household? You say his OW is married. Perhaps she wont leave her H and your H was just hot fun and now he can't believe it and you are the default.

 

Its a shame that you are going through this and with a younger man. I don't know if at my age I can trust dating a man that much younger than me. He has lied to you, he doesn't want to let go of the OW, he wont go to counseling, so how does this really get better? It doesn't.

 

You need two willing people to want to make R work. He needs to be genuinely remorseful and want to commit to making it work. Doesn't sound like it.

 

You should still pack him up and let him go. Hopefully he will be there for your child.

 

Good Luck to you.

[petee]

Saysomething, you mentioned things about your husband's unit and training. Is he in the military? If so, I would go to his superiors with the phone records and show them what is going on between the two. Even better if you find more evidence. Adultery is not allowed and they could both be demoted or even discharged. Even if he isn't in the military, I doubt his superiors would like this going on within their company. I wish you the best of luck in your situation and I hope you heal from this hurt soon.

 

The poison and vitriol of this poster should be ignored. It is evident they came off badly, perhaps as a victim themselves.

Take charge of this bad situation and drive it the way you want to / need to. Lose him his job and then there's no money, no holidays etc. you lose half of nothing.....

[Raena]

Your story sounds very similar to my own in many ways so I can completely relate to how you are feeling right now.

 

My advice to you is to insist on counseling, get the VAR and watch his data usage. If he refuses counseling then you may have to walk. This isn't something the two of you can battle on your own, you need an outside observer to see both sides of the story and help you fix it. The VAR and the data usage are just to confirm or deny that he is in fact still in no contact with this person. My ex did the same with the OW he was cheating on me with... said he was no longer in contact with her but started chatting via other options like whatsapp or google hangouts. How it showed was that his data usage was through the roof but her number never showed up on his call list. He was still in contact with her by video chat or separate texting apps.

 

I do know that one thing that helped me greatly in this process was coming here to write it out. So keep posting!

 

Honestly, I'd rather tell you to just pack his bags and kick him to the curb because it's going to be a rough road fixing his issues and making a healthy marriage for you two... but if you aren't there yet, that's ok too.

[CaryAlston]

Sorry but you thought right: you married an a@@hole. Start compiling evidence and get them to a good divorce lawyer. You should concentrate on protecting yourself and your child. Your husband has one foot out the door; you should start making preparations for the inevitable.