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I'm sad and mad!! (Updated)


Daisy1339

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Hi, I'm new here and would love to hear your opinion/advise. Last April I married my husband 49 years old after 5 years relationship. I found out he cheated on me just after two months of our wedding. He went online sexting other married women. I found his emails to several women and pictures of his genital. So I left home since and during this last almost two months I thought maybe I should give him another chance and waited to see if he is really sorry for what he did but instead he started blaming me for it. His excuse is we never had good communication. I am stock and in one hand I'm so mad that he doesn't even want to take responsibility and one hand I'm sad after 5 years being with him I really didn't know him and feel stupid! And that makes me sad. I also don't know what I really should do. Should I divorce and move on or give him another chance?

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We're not communicating well, so I've decided to send pictures of my schlong to some other women, and it's your fault!

 

Ok, well, not quite a quote, but do I have that right?

 

And what was your question again?

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Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

I am living proof that this isn't so. People change. But this guy is not repentant in any sense of the word.

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I am living proof that this isn't so. People change. But this guy is not repentant in any sense of the word.

 

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me ...... I think its better I stop here. OP you got my advice, its up to you what you'll do with it.

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If he's blaming you, he is taking no personal responsibility. And you shouldn't have to ask him or tell him he needs to do so; he's a grown man. If he sees his part, wants to fight for marriage, he'll know what to do, figure it out, try to work towards fixing things... He F-ed up, it's his responsibility to do what it takes. If he WANTS to, if you, the marriage is actually important to him. If he can change, not be selfish any more. Can people do that? Some can, some can't. But trust has been broken between you guys...that's tough. And it depends on you...what your values, boundaries are, etc. Love is never enough...

 

Whoever did the wrong, needs to right it. Especially for himself...not a good way to be, or treat someone you supposedly love. Shows you "love" yourself more, your "needs" more important, are very selfish and immature. That's why he blaming you...Big ego. :-(

So sorry he did that. To himself, you, to your bond.

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Thanks guys. Your advise means a lot. I now know its not me the only one who think that way. Because he tells me in his text yesterday that I bailed on the marriage on the first sign of trouble!

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Totally agree with Mighty...

 

People can and do change. The major, major, issue here is that he is not taking any responsibility for what he has done. That is a MAJOR red flag about you guys being able to work it out.

 

Do what is best for you right now. Stand strong and let him stew in whatever warped excuses he can come up with. He either breaks, or he shows just how much of a man he is not...

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Thanks guys. Your advise means a lot. I now know its not me the only one who think that way. Because he tells me in his text yesterday that I bailed on the marriage on the first sign of trouble!

 

Well, what has HE done to win you back? Where's the contrition?

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Reconciliation with someone who blame-shifts is not real reconciliation at all. This isn't to say that an open and honest look at the relationship isn't necessary, but someone who refuses to take responsibility for their actions probably isn't going to change those actions. Have you called a counselor or sought some other 3rd party professional for help? I highly recommend the book Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by James Dobson. It will give you specific advice on how to respond to your husband. You should be able to find it at any bookstore. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. Hope it all works out.

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Hi GoBlue, Thank you for recommending those books. I never read them. I have been seeing a therapist but it is so hard to get regular appointments. So I had one sessions and I will have one in October. I am reading a book called Infidelity by Lusterman. What is strange is reading it make me more sad! I don't know why!

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I know that I have only been his wife only few months and cannot get any financial support, but is so unfair and hard for me now. Before I moved in with I was at an apartment and paid $950 month now the same place is $2500 month and I cannot afford it. So I asked him since I gave up this apartment for you then at least for a short while help me with my rent until our divorce finalised. He said nop! I didn't ask you to leave you left so is not my responsibility but you are still welcome to get back!

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From what I've seen, it takes two things to reconcile: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) A truly forgiving betrayed spouse. One thing I know for sure that is #2 cannot come before #1.

 

You should file for divorce as his lack of remorse (as demonstrated by his blameshifting and otherwise lack of interest in contributing to the recovery) should be an unacceptable boundary that he's crossed. Put your foot down and file. If at some point you think he's demonstrating true remorse, you can halt the proceedings.

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Years vested into a relationship is no reason to stay. The fact that he is blaming you for his actions is a big red flag. There may have been signs before and he may have been this way for longer than you think.

 

You need to cut your losses early and be with someone who really wants to be with you. Hold onto your anger to file for your divorce. Go to IC to deal with it.

 

Good luck to you.

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I know that I have only been his wife only few months and cannot get any financial support, but is so unfair and hard for me now. Before I moved in with I was at an apartment and paid $950 month now the same place is $2500 month and I cannot afford it. So I asked him since I gave up this apartment for you then at least for a short while help me with my rent until our divorce finalised. He said nop! I didn't ask you to leave you left so is not my responsibility but you are still welcome to get back!

 

Abusive behavior.... Pick up and go stay with family or friends until you can get it together. Be strong and have some dignity. You need to show him you can survive. This weakness is only making him feel he has the upper hand and he will do anything and everything because he knows you can't or won't leave.

 

Not a good look my dear.

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hey OP,

well, what your H did was obviously unacceptable. all this stuff about blaming you is exactly what happens to everyone else - it seems to be called "blame shifting" on this forum. It is hard to say whether he should have another chance or not. This would depend upon all the details of what happened and why, and also upon what kind of a person you are. There is never a consensus about whether cheaters deserve another chance or not.

 

however, while he is blame shifting and not taking responsibility, i don't think anyone would advise you to even consider taking him back.

 

2 bits of advice. First, I think many people find it hard to leave their cheating partner not because the relationship was so great, but because they are scared to be alone. Or perhaps they are worried about hurting their children or what their family/friends would say. I think these are all really bad reasons to stay with someone. Also, you should never be scared to be alone. Needing to be with a person is not a good basis for a relationship.

 

Second, if your H says there was bad communication, it is worth thinking about that. Obviously, it is no excuse for cheating... but bad communication is something you should be aware of and be proactive in addressing in all your relationships.

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Hi, I'm new here and would love to hear your opinion/advise. Last April I married my husband 49 years old after 5 years relationship. I found out he cheated on me just after two months of our wedding. He went online sexting other married women. I found his emails to several women and pictures of his genital. So I left home since and during this last almost two months I thought maybe I should give him another chance and waited to see if he is really sorry for what he did but instead he started blaming me for it. His excuse is we never had good communication. I am stock and in one hand I'm so mad that he doesn't even want to take responsibility and one hand I'm sad after 5 years being with him I really didn't know him and feel stupid! And that makes me sad. I also don't know what I really should do. Should I divorce and move on or give him another chance?

 

Divorce him. He isn't sorry at all. He won't take responsibility and own his selfish choices that hurt you. Instead he's blaming the marriage, you and everything else..But himself! WTF.

 

He isn't worth fighting for and he's shown you who he is.

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What does he mean by bad communication? Does he need you to tell him clearly what you want? If you want him to stay I would find out what he means.

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If you married in April...I don't think you need a divorce...I think you could have the marriage annulled instead.

 

I'd investigate that. Probably much easier/cheaper.

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Ah! Blame shifting! Is this what that is called? Good to know, learn!

 

The ex did that to his ex wife! He cheated (a lot!) and blamed their relationship, lack of "intimacy", she "controlling", etc. Also blamed his upbringing, parents, things he missed out on a child, etc.

 

Yes, of course our pasts affect us! But blaming everything, everyone else when WE make a POOR CHOICE, is immature and an unloving choice.

 

Almost two years after their break up, he STILL angry at HER. Because SHE abandoned HIM, divorced him, didn't want to be his "friend", when he really needed one. Poor baby wanted her sympathy and understanding after he cheated, slept with many women, including her BEST FRIEND. Hello. And he claims he's a "sex addict", so everyone (including me during our time together) should be compassionate and understand that it is a "disease", he couldn't help himself. He angry she dating, the whole 10 months he was dating me, with me! Sick, damaged person, yes. Sad.

 

Please. Grow up. It's called selfish, immature, impulsive, not being strong enough to go to your partner, your supposed best friend and tell them you are hurting, things wrong in the relationship, what can we do? It's called COMMUNICATION. If you don't have that with your partner...then don't be with them. Leave and be with someone with whom you have a mature, healthy relationship. Or be alone, until you can offer, receive that.

 

To this day he angry, holding onto resentment because she divorced him. He is imprisoning himself and will end up a angry, sad, lonely person. And codependent on her, anyone else who enters his life.

 

Their issues, their choices. And our choices to be involved or around people like that. We can have some compassion, but that doesn't mean we have to be door mats, change our boundaries for THEM. Ours are much more important, to ensure our happiness, and to ensure only people who deserve to be in our lives, are. And who we give our hearts, too as well...

 

It all comes down to respect. IMO without respect, there can be no healthy relationship. And that has to go BOTH ways...

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Well, what has HE done to win you back? Where's the contrition?

He really has done nothing. We texted each other last night and now I am confuse. He was first nice and asked me to see a couple therapist with him and then his mood changed and turned very nasty. I wish I didn't do texting and just leave it as it is. He has not remorse! I don't know what kind of love is that? should I believe it?

Thanks

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If you married in April...I don't think you need a divorce...I think you could have the marriage annulled instead.

 

I'd investigate that. Probably much easier/cheaper.

 

 

Yes I found out that I can just do the annulment. It is so much easier. I found out that he is on this website on this forum and what he writes about me is like he hates me. When I told him I know he is here, he got upset and angry and told me that is not him and then said we should end this relationship and divorce!! Then his tone changed and said he loves me and wants me back. That was fast!!!Well for now he asked me to go see a couple therapist with him and I accepted. May be I shouldn't. Well he has not remorse . I am so stock! Should I tell him I was so emotional and I accepted it? should I just go with him to see the therapist and try again?

 

Thank you for the advise.

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What does he mean by bad communication? Does he need you to tell him clearly what you want? If you want him to stay I would find out what he means.

 

 

Good point! I should ask him. thanks

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