The Whole Truth.... Dealbreaker?

[jnel921]

In light of the Ray Rice video, I ask this question.

 

Someone confesses to doing something wrong. In his case fighting with his wife. In ours, our WS infidelity.

 

Does watching the actual video, text, voice recordings of the A make a difference or hurt any less? Especially if some time has passed after you have decided to stay together?

 

I personally was furnished with 2 pics and some text in the beginning. Had I seen of heard everything from the beginning I most likely would have chosen to leave. But that's me. I think part of me doesn't want to see that side of it totally Does that make me a fool?

 

I know what he did was wrong and I know what he did to make that happen. Does not knowing everything make a difference?

 

Would new evidence of what you already know be a deal-breaker if you are working on fixing the M?

 

What are your thoughts and experiences.

[gettingstronger]

Great question- I was so fragile on dday I am unsure what I could have handled-he did not trickle truth but answered what I asked- I did learn more and more as the days,weeks and months wore on by asking more and more questions-

 

I think the reality of the totality hit me at about one year and it was a blow-I recall thinking, no way can I do this-why would I want to stay with this person-

 

For me, yes its the details that bother me- she followed him on business trips- the idea of sleeping together and waking together- having breakfast, etc. is at times more than I care to handle-

 

We are 19 months and doing well until of course we aren't-to me, yes, details matter- a lot-they will in the end make or break us for sure-

[dichotomy]

In light of the Ray Rice video, I ask this question.

 

Someone confesses to doing something wrong. In his case fighting with his wife. In ours, our WS infidelity.

 

Does watching the actual video, text, voice recordings of the A make a difference or hurt any less? Especially if some time has passed after you have decided to stay together?

 

I personally was furnished with 2 pics and some text in the beginning. Had I seen of heard everything from the beginning I most likely would have chosen to leave. But that's me. I think part of me doesn't want to see that side of it totally Does that make me a fool?

 

I know what he did was wrong and I know what he did to make that happen. Does not knowing everything make a difference?

 

Would new evidence of what you already know be a deal-breaker if you are working on fixing the M?

 

What are your thoughts and experiences.

 

 

I found some stuff (email, text, call records) but certainly much took place over the phone or in person conversations and actions. I have often day dreamed about having a crystal ball where I could ask to see any point in time and any thing I wish.

 

I tend to have an issue with seeking "THE truth" in all things. But reading or listening to what someone says (or said) or even did - does not necessarily reveal the truth of another. WS can lie to you - they can also lie or bull$h!t to AP as well. You ever see an old email or letter you may have written to an old lover or even an old love message to your current partner ? Do you ever think "was that me ? WTF !" People change and are different and act differently in situations. So the pursuit of truth is difficult - without mind reading - and even then whats in our mind about someone changes from hour to hour and day to day.

 

Also I wonder sometimes if my imagination comes up with worse things than may have happened or were said between wife and OM or others, than actually happened. It could have a positive effect to actually see/listen to all that happened or was said between them.

 

Now that said - I would have no qualms about looking at new evidence from long ago. In other words if I found an old email account, or box of letters to OM I would look. Thats just me - I still am a truth and knowledge seeker. However, I am at a point all these years later that if I found something more damning then I know (or suspect) that i am not sure I would divorce but may simply try to process these as needed for the time they happened - and adjust myself the marriage dynamics accordingly for a while. Its hard to say what I would find, and what it would mean to me or the marriage now.

 

 

P.S.

 

On the flip side, my WW does not know I post here. I come here sometimes with a certain mood or mindset, or sometimes reading posts some people here get me into a mood or mindset and I react and post words. If my WW ever found and read my posts would she know "the truth" of me - and whats in my head and heart over her affair and other past awful choices?..... Or would she know she is only seeing a side of me that I express here with you folks, sometimes just venting, a part of me, and try to reconcile this with the whole committed good man and husband I mostly am to her?

Edited September 10, 2014 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

My biggest problems came from finding details that I didn't already know. As I've said many times here, it's the lies that kept on doing more and more damage.

 

That said, I was already having a hell of a time trying to forgive my wife's affair. I really couldn't handle that she was going to have had this year-long fantasy affair replete with tons of mid-day hotel stays and I was just going to quietly choke down my sh't sandwich. My jealousy of it led to my own affair. So I can only guess that seeing all of the evidence would have made reconciliation more difficult.

 

Regardless, I'd prefer to know the truth, no matter how difficult, and then come to grips with it even if it eventually led to divorce. I now know that I can handle anything and still survive. Give it to me straight and all at once.

[Snowflower]

Hi Jnel, oddly, this came issue came up for me and my H recently. It has been nearly 6 years since the A and so it is a topic that we rarely discuss anymore. It is kind of one of those things that feels like it happened to someone else.

 

Anyway, we were talking about it and I discovered a discrepancy between what I had thought happened and what really happened. Let me say that it is a minor detail (2 actually) but it was where my H provided me with not the entire truth all those years ago and let me draw an erroneous conclusion based on that half-truth. Since the detail wasn't a dealbreaker (never would have been) so maybe this is OT. But I hated that he let me deal with something that was an erroneous conclusion.

 

The 2nd minor detail was something that he had never told me about. It wasn't between him and the xOW but rather a "confrontation" between him and some of her friends. Of course, he uses the excuse that "it was all so long ago."

 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. And so not in a good way.

[Sub]

Would new evidence of what you already know be a deal-breaker if you are working on fixing the M?

 

What are your thoughts and experiences.

 

It would depend on the information. There were a couple major things (to me at least) that would have been deal breakers early on that I asked about. She answered them in the negative, as in they didn't happen. If I now discovered that she wasn't being truthful about them, I would probably have to re-consider.

[Mr. Lucky]

Would new evidence of what you already know be a deal-breaker if you are working on fixing the M?

I eventually came to look at it from the other side.

 

Knowing everything isn't the dealbreaker, it's not knowing everything that does the most damage. When your imagination starts filling in the gaps, recovery even more difficult...

 

Mr. Lucky

[badkarma2013]

In light of the Ray Rice video, I ask this question.

 

Someone confesses to doing something wrong. In his case fighting with his wife. In ours, our WS infidelity.

 

Does watching the actual video, text, voice recordings of the A make a difference or hurt any less? Especially if some time has passed after you have decided to stay together?

 

I personally was furnished with 2 pics and some text in the beginning. Had I seen of heard everything from the beginning I most likely would have chosen to leave. But that's me. I think part of me doesn't want to see that side of it totally Does that make me a fool?

 

I know what he did was wrong and I know what he did to make that happen. Does not knowing everything make a difference?

 

Would new evidence of what you already know be a deal-breaker if you are working on fixing the M?

 

What are your thoughts and experiences.

 

 

 

As many of you know ...after i outed my wifes boss(om) to his wife and she filed for divorce...he came to my my office and showed me pics of my wife engaged in sex acts with him that she had said were VILE and Disgusting..and Never did those things with me in a 23 yr marriage..He flipped me a flash drive with the pics on there and said "your wife is a Wh*$E..but just not with you

 

At that second i knew in my heart there would be NO Forgivness..NO Reconcilition..and NO More Marriage.."

 

I showed her family the pics...my family and our friends...after that she was Devastated and the complete and utter devastation of 2 innocent families was complete..

 

Badkarma Indeed..

Edited September 10, 2014 by badkarma2013
grammar

[jnel921]

I found some stuff (email, text, call records) but certainly much took place over the phone or in person conversations and actions. I have often day dreamed about having a crystal ball where I could ask to see any point in time and any thing I wish.

 

I tend to have an issue with seeking "THE truth" in all things.

 

Also I wonder sometimes if my imagination comes up with worse things than may have happened or were said between wife and OM or others, than actually happened. It could have a positive effect to actually see/listen to all that happened or was said between them.

 

I too wish I had a crystal ball. For now I have to settle for a GPS tracker on his iPhone.

 

You seek the truth and I am all about intention. What was your reason? What was this supposed to accomplish? What was the plan?

 

I used to go nuts playing mind movies. I think this is what the lack of details drives us to. Like BetrayedH says...the not knowing.

 

I remember when I first asked my H for explicit details. His answer was...honey I did the worst thing I could possibly do to you. Telling you what happened or how I did it or how she did it is just as worse. Even with that said I still asked him. Had I seen actual pics and video I would have been gone.

 

My H is not the person I married. I know that. He is remorseful and showing me everyday how happy he is we are together.

 

My H looks back now and thinks to himself wtf was I thinking. That's a good sign.

[dichotomy]

 

You seek the truth and I am all about intention. What was your reason? What was this supposed to accomplish? What was the plan?

 

My H is not the person I married. I know that. He is remorseful and showing me everyday how happy he is we are together.

 

My H looks back now and thinks to himself wtf was I thinking. That's a good sign.

 

- I to was focused on why why why. I think I knew enough to understand basic whys - but not completely why.

 

- My wife has been - I think - three people. The person she was for most of her life, then a person she was between marriages (and meeting me), and the person she is now a while after being married to me, I am hoping for one last growth in her person and try to lead her there. I can tell you that at the time I fell in love with her, and married her - she was not the person I feel in love with.

 

-I know she does in part (thanks to therapy) think "WTF did I do, I wish I could go back" - but she does not dwell on this. My wife lives in the present, more than any person I know - while I tend to live in the past or future. I will be honest as - I also sometimes think "WTF did I do...in how I handled the whole mess and WTF am I doing now still".

Edited September 11, 2014 by dichotomy

[Toodamnpragmatic]

And I have been transparent. A lot of what was written was my personal thoughts, venting, concerns about my shortcomings and feelings. Almost like a journal, which is not meant to be shared. Much sounded much worse and was out of context. Some of OW's comments were hurtful and frankly out of line knowing my side and having strong opinions that I didn't necessarily agree with.

 

In IC there has been talk from my spouse about the way less then <1% of emails that were "flirty". There has been no talk about all the other things we discussed or about or her issues.

 

Now I was ready to come clean (after initially tripping up) and am because I really did not hide it (was really easy to find) and most of our talk the last 8 months was that of friends talking about families, her situation, work and life.

[jnel921]

It's tough. Just reading how on another post the BH has all of the evidence and does not want to see it.

 

What does that say? He's a fool.

 

I personally have felt that I would look the fool as well over these past almost 2 years. This has to be the toughest part for those of us who stay.

[Sub]

Fool. Chump. Sucker. Rube. I've considered myself all of them at some point. Definitely hard to let go of, but after all of this, I've developed more of a "f**k that!" attitude about it.

[katielee]

I caught the live show myself, and then listened to the additional make out session on the VAR I had in his car. Yuck. It's almost too much to recover from.

 

Evidence of something I already know - not sure. I can't take much more so probably not. If it was something in my face I would probably leave and let him decide if he wanted to come with.

[Popsicle]

One of my best friends discovered her man was having an A with another woman by finding a video of them having sex. She still stayed (and tortured him, ofc). My sister caught her husband with another woman in their own house. She still stayed (and moved to another bedroom, ofc).

 

For some people, it doesn't matter.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but the more we talk, the more I realize that my spouse read too much and only is focused on <1% and we are having a hard time moving forward from there. Of course I can repeat over and over trying to to move the focus, but she won't at this point.

 

Of course this is different from finding someone in bed with another or a sex tape, but too much is not a good thin, especially when I want to tell her everything.

[jnel921]

but the more we talk, the more I realize that my spouse read too much and only is focused on <1% and we are having a hard time moving forward from there. Of course I can repeat over and over trying to to move the focus, but she won't at this point.

 

Of course this is different from finding someone in bed with another or a sex tape, but too much is not a good thin, especially when I want to tell her everything.

 

You know sometimes its those little things we hang on to. My own issue was H saying how he loved me all along. I find that to be such BS. Love brings your A$$ home. So if I had ever read a note or watched a video where my spouse is doing what he shouldn't do to another woman but me...just very hard to believe.

 

So toodampragmatic...maybe you need to make your wife understand that 1% before trying to explain the rest.

 

We really need those puzzle pieces filled in if we are going to make it work. I have found that honesty as sharp as it sticks you...hurts less.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You know sometimes its those little things we hang on to. My own issue was H saying how he loved me all along. I find that to be such BS. Love brings your A$$ home. So if I had ever read a note or watched a video where my spouse is doing what he shouldn't do to another woman but me...just very hard to believe.

 

So toodampragmatic...maybe you need to make your wife understand that 1% before trying to explain the rest.

 

We really need those puzzle pieces filled in if we are going to make it work. I have found that honesty as sharp as it sticks you...hurts less.

 

The difference is your H had a PA. Why do you need to see that? The issue here is I am happy we can talk about my issues and what I did and the problems we need to work on. I on the other hand vented and complained about my marriage and shared too much of my insecurities and unhappiness in parts of my marriage with another woman and hid it from my wife.

 

If I hid from my wife that I was writing a journal and seeing a counselor, what would be her reaction?

 

My 1% was childish. I want to talk about the 99% and why it was. So I asked what "colour thongs & bra you wearing today?" and got 2 pictures, that was the extent of it....

Edited September 16, 2014 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

The difference is your H had a PA. Why do you need to see that? The issue here is I am happy we can talk about my issues and what I did and the problems we need to work on. I on the other hand vented and complained about my marriage and shared too much of my insecurities and unhappiness in parts of my marriage with another woman and hid it from my wife.

 

If I hid from my wife that I was writing a journal and seeing a counselor, what would be her reaction?

 

My 1% was childish. I want to talk about the 99% and why it was. So I asked what "colour thongs & bra you wearing today?" and got 2 pictures, that was the extent of it....

 

I suspect your minimizing is making it more difficult for your wife to move past those inappropriate comments.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I suspect your minimizing is making it more difficult for your wife to move past those inappropriate comments.

 

Trust me I'm not. Lot's to discuss and how we got to this point. Nothing can be looked at in a vacuum. Again this needs to be discussed with my spouse & the counselor. I can tell you honestly that I want to discuss every detail and why I did it, was wrong and how to move forward.

[No Limit]

Knowing full well that WSes never tell you the whole truth, also mostly because of selfishness, I'd break up/divorce immediately. And be tense the whole time until the results of my STD test arrive.

 

I mean, why should I bother? There's no point in beating a dead horse, and I'm not his friggin' mom to deal with his "troubles" (although free sex doesn't sound like a great burden).

[jnel921]

The difference is your H had a PA. Why do you need to see that? The issue here is I am happy we can talk about my issues and what I did and the problems we need to work on. I on the other hand vented and complained about my marriage and shared too much of my insecurities and unhappiness in parts of my marriage with another woman and hid it from my wife.

 

If I hid from my wife that I was writing a journal and seeing a counselor, what would be her reaction?

 

My 1% was childish. I want to talk about the 99% and why it was. So I asked what "colour thongs & bra you wearing today?" and got 2 pictures, that was the extent of it....

 

Before my H's PA there was a FB incident the year prior where he was participating in sports smack with my family. Ther was one woman who was a friend of my cousins who attends their church who seemed to go at it with him all the time then eventually took the conversations offline and through PM. I discovered this when on a weekend away my H was acting unusually protective about his phone then lost it. While walking the dogs he had his laptop open to his FB and I read the PMs.

 

I did not like the tone of the messages. My H was telling her how beautiful she was and how she should feel about certain things. Meanwhile he had never met her physically. It turns out when we were away that weekend she was in NY. Visiting her sister in the hospital. My H says in his message. How convenient that you are here when I am away. So how the hell am I supposed to interpret that or feel?

 

I immediately confronted him. At that time he told me it wasn't what I thought blah blah blah. I was very upset and held that for a long time. I did speak to this woman over the phone who was embarrassed and begged me not to tell my family.

 

It only took a year later for my H to finally dip it and do it to someone else. So if you want to talk to your W about your actions explain to her why you are even opening up those can of worms.

 

The bottom line is that the intent of asking what color panties, where are you, what are you doing, are you thinking about me leads to nothing but trying to get some a$$. Meanwhile you have this at home. Maybe if you sent notes or texts like that to the W you could have spiced up the passion.

 

The PA hurt me very much. As much as I complained to my H about the lack of it, how we were arguing and how I wanted to work on us, he wanted to discuss this with a total stranger.

 

How did screwing her fix us? Watching it may have made me decide to leave. After a while stuff gets routine and in an A I see that out WS will break out the best moves for these f*****g strangers. Why the hell did we get married then if this was his intent all along? I can't go to my grave feeling that my H heart belonged only to me.

 

While it's been almost 2 years now and we are in a better place in our M, I will always have that hole in my heart. He did that,

 

So if a man tells us he love us and goes and does ANYTHING to the contrary. We will question that love and yes this becomes an issue. Just because there was only text and pics in your situation does not minimize the damage.

 

I have been there and done that and it is clear where that path leads.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Fool. Chump. Sucker. Rube. I've considered myself all of them at some point. Definitely hard to let go of, but after all of this, I've developed more of a "f**k that!" attitude about it.

 

Agreed. Apathy Ever After.

[nabelp]

This is exactly what I am going through right now. Its almost been a year since I found out about my wife's affair which happened 13 years ago.

I demanded the whole truth and every detail and told her that that's what I wanted in order for me to stay and try to make it work.

I always felt in my heart that I would know if something was true, half true or just a total lie. Well, I found discrepancies in her stories months after and I am convinced that there is way more to what happened then I know of.

She hates talking about it but sometimes that's all I want to talk about...even a year later. I did not ask for this to happen to me and there is no rule book on how to handle the aftermath of an affair.

In order for me to have closure, I need to know the truth and every detail. Thats just me and I realize its not for everyone. Until I get that (and I will) my imagination will always get the better of me because I am left with partial stories or just made up lies. I can't have anything left to the imagination or I will go insane.

[road]

It's tough. Just reading how on another post the BH has all of the evidence and does not want to see it.

 

What does that say? He's a fool.

 

I personally have felt that I would look the fool as well over these past almost 2 years. This has to be the toughest part for those of us who stay.

 

 

 

Every BS has their own level of how much info they need. This is why it is the BS's place to decide and control how much they learn about the affair.

 

 

There is no normal. Some need to know and see everything all the way to know that the affair is over and the WS is not going to leave them. And everything in between.