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Putting things to rest


waterwoman

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Two years down the line from Dday and I am doing OK 75% of the time. Our relationship is good for the most part. H's relationship with the children is far far better than it was before and during the A, in fact better than it had been since DS2 was small.

 

But I still get bad days. I have sort of forgiven the affair in the sense that I am not angry with him anymore but my main issue is insecurity - I have never been very secure in my own worth and h was previously my loudest cheerleader. Having an A with a younger woman pretty well undid all the good he had tried to do over the years. So it flares up from time to time, I start misinterpreting his actions and words (I am hugely oversensitive to everything he does). Main issue is that I am always looking for evidence that he doesn't love me, he wanted to be with OW and only stayed because of duty/kids/dog etc. Doesn't matter HOW much I talk sense to myself I still come back to that. (Lordy this place doesn't help with that at times ;)) So we have a few days when I feel down and scared, eventually I text him a long spiel about my feelings and he talks me down in one or two sentences and I go back to OK for a while.

 

This happened last Thursday. Friday night we went out together to listen to a band. I confess I drank a little to much (ahem!) but in this case it was OK because we talked and talked and talked. In fact we walked an extra long way home because we had so much to say. We talked about our marriage, what changed, the children, things that we haven't really touched on for years because they were a bit too sensitive. At one point he took my arm to stop me in my tracks, turned to face me and said 'What you have to understand is that when she 'ended' it with me (NB: not an end really, just no physical contact, IMO intended to be temporary) it was because she knew I would never leave, I was always telling her how much I loved you and talking about you. It really upset her'.

 

And I know this, he has told me it before. But I didn't seem to hear it. I heard it this time and it struck home.

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Sugar Magnolia

I am exactly the same way. Dday was 15 months ago, although I knew about her for a long time. We have come along way, but I still have my bad days, bring up things that still bothered me... In way case, he claimed that they were just friends, that she just wanted to be friends,,, she contacted me on facebook, email,, telling me how she was over it and wanted to be friends ,,, blah, blah,..ya right... one evening we just happen to meet her in a bar... she appeared overly excited to meet me,,, then proceeded to put her hands and everything else all over him... I told her not to do that,,, she acted all coy, twirling the hair , biting the lip,, the whole bit... and said, while looking straight at him,,, I can do that can't I?,,, I lost it, not because she did that, because, she lied to me,,,, didn't really see the point of that... then I realized that their affair had turned from physical to emotional.... I think she was expecting my H to take her side.... now I have a hard time somedays trying to understand what he must have been telling her to make her believe that it was ok to behave like that... they have had no contact since, I am sure of that... but I still worry... it is taking a toll on us... he thinks I should just let it go... I try.. but...so many lies... hope u find peace,, if you do let me know how you did it

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Sugar Magnolia, I don't want to hijack waterwoman's thread ... maybe you should start another ... but your sitch sounds bad. From what I've read, you and your H should have turned around as soon as you saw her at the bar. There was no need for contact at all much less actual physical contact. He should have moved away from her immediately.

 

Waterwoman ... it sounds like you are proceeding right on track with reconciliation. "They" say 2-5 years. I wish you peace and continued progress.

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Agree with sunburned, sugar. That whole scenario is just appalling :(

 

Thanks sunburned.

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Main issue is that I am always looking for evidence that he doesn't love me, he wanted to be with OW and only stayed because of duty/kids/dog etc. Doesn't matter HOW much I talk sense to myself I still come back to that. (Lordy this place doesn't help with that at times ;))

 

I am in the exact same boat. Keep on waiting for the other shoe to drop and my WW to say "Ha ha, been fooling you all this time. I really do want a divorce now."

 

I'm not sure if I'll ever move 100% beyond that. Hard to fathom that I could feel the same way 5 years from now.

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compulsivedancer

RightThere, even if she decides she wants a divorce, that doesn't negate any growth you've made since DDay. I think that's part of why they tell you to focus on your own growth.

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Just wanted to chime in to the OP on one area. In therepy my counselor made a bold statement when I said " I am overly sensitive", she looked at me and said " Well actually you are more in tune with your environment and you LISTEN well to what people say" that is an asset, so use it. So in essence its a good thing , where it needs fine tuned is to re-incorporate what is said into a positive spin! :)

 

I hope in time you learn that you really deserve to be happy and secure...You seem like you have a good heart thru all this..

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Having an A with a younger woman pretty well undid all the good he had tried to do over the years.

I thought a lot about this in the attempted recovery from my wife's affair with her boss, more successful and financially much better off than I was at the time.

 

Does the most pain come from the infidelity or our perceived inability to compete with the AP? Would your husband's A have been easier to deal with had she been older and less attractive? Never could decide and ultimately the issue was buried by a host of bigger problems...

 

Mr. Lucky

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"but my main issue is insecurity - I have never been very secure in my own worth and h was previously my loudest cheerleader. Having an A with a younger woman pretty well undid all the good he had tried to do over the years. So it flares up from time to time, I start misinterpreting his actions and words (I am hugely oversensitive to everything he does). Main issue is that I am always looking for evidence that he doesn't love me, he wanted to be with OW and only stayed because of duty/kids/dog etc. Doesn't matter HOW much I talk sense to myself I still come back to that"

 

 

I kinda sorta dont really mind a spouse staying (at times) for "duty/kids" idea. I mean marriages go up and down, things get rough, and someone willing to "stick to it" because they made a vow to do do, and considering the whole family and not their needs ... is an honorable thing... so I would take this part (by itself) as a good trait. Try to consider this.

 

..but then he still cheated and broke that vow in a major part. So I think you do need to not be bummed at the first part but the second part. I mean if his commitment/vows/duty to the marriage was so high he would not have strayed then then is a kind sorta a good thing. But it was not high enough to prevent the cheating....Just my view of looking at this "duty" thing.

 

I am glad your talking and he is responding still and providing reassurance and trying to connect with you. The way you describe this event of him speaking to you - I can feel he is connected to you.

 

The self esteem is is HUGE for BS's in many affairs. I know it was (and is still a little) for me. But unlike you I had some lingering self esteem issues before our marriage (some based in hard reasons). Through individual therapy, and some life changes I was able to address this self esteem issue on my own, without relying on my wife to prop me back up. I tackled this in a number of ways. First there was a shift to feeling good about myself though various ways (exercise, perspectives, little changes in attitude). Then there was a shift ....that if there was something my wife wanted in OM ....that it was HER issue and not mine. I could focus on being the best and most complete me I could, growing, expanding, ...which I have since dDay .....but at the end of the day, if she wants an apple, and I am an orange - its not about me but its about her. Its not my fault she did not love or desire me enough back then...and I wont keep wondering if this is still the case. Neither should you.

Edited by dichotomy
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gettingstronger

I think for all of us, there is something that just "sticks". For me, I am still hung up on the lying-I have never had self esteem issues (and not because I am all that- I have other issues instead) so my self esteem recovered pretty quickly-his ability to lie so easily really still bothers me-

 

And YES, on waiting for the other shoe to drop- finding out about the A was such a gut punch that I am more on edge for something else to come out of left field and punch me in the jaw-

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Would your husband's A have been easier to deal with had she been older and less attractive? Never could decide and ultimately the issue was buried by a host of bigger problems...

 

Although most BS's think that "If the opposite had happened" (i.e. she would have slept with a good looking affair partner instead of an ugly one, the affair was short instead of long) then things might be easier.

 

The reality is all affairs suck and do enough damage regardless of the details. My WW's affairs (yeah multiple) were with serious losers. Not because I'm so high on myself, but they were complete zeros. Looking at it I often thought "Wouldn't my self esteem feel better if she didn't cheat with such losers" but the fact of the matter is I'd be equally hurt if they were all models.

 

I think it's human nature to think my situation is much more difficult than someone else.

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Having an A with a younger woman pretty well undid all the good he had tried to do over the years.

 

Understandable, but it's one of those things that wasn't a reflection on you. Yet it's simultaneously infuriating and comforting. Infuriating because there's obviously nothing you could have done about her being younger. So WTF! But comforting because...well...for the same reason. The lack of control over certain variables can be conflicting. My WW once told me about the OM: "Being Latin made a difference." I wrestled with that one for a long time.

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stayed because of duty/kids/dog etc. "

 

I've got to get me one of those dogs! Especially if they're so good, they can even straighten out a WS :cool: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I've got to get me one of those dogs! Especially if they're so good, they can even straighten out a WS :cool: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Hey what's the old saying? "if you want a loyal companion - then get a dog":D

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WW....keep talking, howling at the moon, talking of what you need to feel more secure.....No SHAME in that following an affair. drink a glass of wine....drink a barrel if it let's you communicate from the heart...

 

But you need to find that ONE thing that builds your confidence independent from your relationship....

 

What is it? Not dependent on him, the marriage, just something, one thing, that makes you feel good...

 

The one thing that cannot be tainted by the affair...the one thing that shouts, "Damn...WW is good at this!"

 

We all need validation for that one thing that our spouse cannot validate for us....one thing that can boost our self-esteem no matter what....

 

what is it for you, WW?

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Thanks all

 

Spark - for me it's running. A few years back I was doing 25 miles a week over three runs. Injuries just sapped my will and I gave up. I kept trying to restart but never managed more than a few miles at a time. Last week I got to just under 5 miles in one run and tomorrow I am joining a running club for added motivation. I want to try for a 10 k and then a half marathon. We'll see. Not bad for an old bird :laugh:

Edited by waterwoman
Edited because it didn;t make sense!
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Regarding competition with AP.... there really isn't much. The only thing that is 'better' about her is her age, she was exactly half H's at the time. She isn't all that attractive, intelligent or funny - TBH I could beat her hands down in most of those areas but I guess at 48 years of age and after 3 kids I was feeling a little battered and worn out, and she seemed all shiny and new in comparison.

 

Funny thing about being with the same person for years and years, you become a bit dependent on their approval. I guess that might be why H was so happy to have her polish his ego - i was depressed and pretty poor company. To have him turn elsewhere when I needed him most really really hurt but I can see why it happened. We are just healing each others' wounds slowly.

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Regarding competition with AP.... there really isn't much. The only thing that is 'better' about her is her age, she was exactly half H's at the time. She isn't all that attractive, intelligent or funny - TBH I could beat her hands down in most of those areas but I guess at 48 years of age and after 3 kids I was feeling a little battered and worn out, and she seemed all shiny and new in comparison.

Based on your previous post, the good news is you could certainly out run her!

Funny thing about being with the same person for years and years, you become a bit dependent on their approval.

Important point. And, if your H is working and you're at home, probably easier for him as he may be getting validation through his job. Tough just being "Joe's" wife...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Quick boast! ;) Went for my first run with the club last night. Did a three miler (about the same as my normal distance) and kept up with the fastest runners all the way round. ... OK so it was a subgroup of the club with mainly beginners and returners but I don't care. And I was older than most of them too.

 

Feeling very smug. :laugh:

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This post is nothing to do with relationships at all apart from maybe mine with my running shoes but I wanted to let all my friends here know that I have finally run my first road race. It was 10k (6.2 miles) and I did it in a personal best of 61.27 minutes and that included two long bloody steep hills. I am celebrating with my first glass of wine for 2 weeks and a very smug face !! :D Not bad for an old bird!!

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excusememister
I have finally run my first road race. It was 10k (6.2 miles) and I did it in a personal best of 61.27 minutes and that included two long bloody steep hills. I am celebrating with my first glass of wine for 2 weeks and a very smug face !! :D Not bad for an old bird!!

 

Congrats Waterwomen,

That is awesome!! Have a glass of wine for me :)

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WW, I am so incredibly happy for you. I look up to your strength, determination and grace under fire.

I'm so sad to say I couldn't be more like you in R'ing.

I chose to Not face my insecurity every day or every trigger, when I could change the environment in which those insecurities were bred.

Keep on keepin on and I'll always have your back!!

You are an amazing woman, and Your H is a VERY luckyand blessed man!! :)

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Thank you excusememister [grin] I had three :o so I'll pretend one of them was just for you!

 

CIH - I saw your recent posts and i am so sorry x. I can understand how you feel. It isn't easy and there is no shame in saying 'Enough!' at least you gave it a good try. THanks for the kind word, i am not sure they are deserved. THe best thing about the race for me (well apart from finishing the bloody thing so I could STOP!) was seeing his face when I finished. He isn't the most demonstrative man (as I may have mentioned) but he was so proud of me. He had posted it all over Facebook :laugh:.

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Bittersweetie

Congrats waterwoman! My H used to run also, I remember a short time after d-day he turned to me and told me he'd decided to run this specific race. He trained and traveled to the site alone and finished the race. I think it was good of him to have an activity and goal outside of all the stuff going on with us. And I was SO PROUD of him, I went through all of the race photos online and picked out each one he was remotely in. Then I put them on Facebook too. :D Congrats again!

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