Jump to content

Should I sacrifice myself for my children?


JohnBol

Recommended Posts

I’d appreciate any and all advise, especially the very frank ones.

 

 

I have been married for 14 years, with two children ages 3 and 5. Last week, I saw on my wife’s cell phone a text message to another man: “I am sorry my batteries died.” I was out at a playground with our children. When I first asked her about this, she said there was nothing to it. But when I took away her phone, threatening that I was going to take the phone to an IT specialist to read off everything from the hardware (included the deleted messages), she started to talk, but giving me only info that she thought I could get off the phone. But she didn’t tell me all of the following all at once, but over multiple days. And her last message, which I also read a day later was: “He thinks he caught me deleting our chats, which I always do. I think he is bluffing.”

 

 

My situation:

 

 

1) The guy is from her high school, with whom she used to have sex a few times but never as a regular boyfriend. He lives in a different state, and also married.

 

2) They started talking on Facebook messenger in May 2012, and till Jan 2013, they exchanged dozens of explicit pictures, but would connect rather regularly.

 

3) They had phone sex “a few times”

 

4) He called me house number for over 50+ times when I was at work or out with our children.

 

5) She said it started because I was not being very nice to her at the time, and she needed someone to talk to, and eventually their conversations evolved into the inappropriate.

 

6) She says they never met in person, but discussed what it would feel like to do it in person again during Christmas 2012. At the time, she was visiting her parents with one of my daughters in Virginia. We live in NJ. And he was going to be on a business trip nearby. But she says they never met.

 

7) For many years, frankly there have been tension in our marriage, because I felt that she was cold to me, very stingy with intimacy … She knew how her lack of intimacy was damaging our marriage, as I had clearly communicated to her behavior made me feel rejected, unwanted, etc. She used told me it was all in my head, that she did love me, and found me attractive, but that she was tired, and/or I was too mean. It was a vicious cycle … Her lack of intimacy was a very frustrating experience, and I was vocal (not very) about how it all made me feel. We’d have sex not rarely. But I always felt like if I never initiated it, she would never miss it at all, and whenever she did it, she would regularly tell me that I should go ahead and finish up. Not to say that here and there, there had never been good times, but, let’s put it this way, I have felt very long time that she was not into me.

 

8) She said the conversation with this guy all stopped in January 2013, after I threatened a divorce due to the issues mentioned above regarding feeling rejected by her. Around that time, she would reject me multiple times in a week.

 

9) Thinking back, actually, back in Jan 2013, I did see a text message from him on her phone, telling her “She deserved to be happy.” I asked her about it. And she at the time told me that it was just a friend. Silly me … I believed her. I should have instead checked our home phone records!

 

10) She says what I caught her in August 2014 was not a restart. And they had chatted only a few times over a couple of weeks, nothing serious. Just hi, bye, except one time (the day I caught her) when he was asking if they had ever had sex on “that lake back in high school”, to which she responded that they had just walked. I don’t believe her when she says she wasn’t going to re-start. Why would she have apologized to him for her batteries dying?

 

11) She insists nothing else has happened with him or anyone else.

 

12) She seems remorseful, and want to do counseling and improve. She wants to stay together and work on our marriage. She tells me she has no feeling for him (despite the length of the affair). But how can I trust her?

 

13) Right now, her behavior (in my mind) has proven my suspicions (she does not find me attractive), and I have no trust for anything she has to say. How do I go from here, when my marriage lacks these two fundamental core ingredients: trust and mutual-attraction?

 

14) I love my children, but I am not sure I have the strength to stay with her.

 

15) I think her remorse has more to do with saving her marriage and protecting our children from a divorce, more than her “love” for me.

Should I sacrifice my life for my children’s sake? Can I ever live with someone under the same roof who is causing me to make such a choice?

 

 

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading my post.

Edited by JohnBol
format
  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am really sorry you are going through this but if you stay with her your in for the fight of your life to make it work. I tried for years and years but in the end I just could not live with my xW. She just kept cheating and showing her true colors. I have been on these sites for a while now and I can tell you the odds of being successful are very slim. Its not to say it can not be done it just is extremely difficult. I person would suggest you divorce on the best possible terms you can and find a much better woman.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Clay

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

No. If you choose to stay in an unhappy, unrewarding, hurtful, harmful TO YOU situation...I really don't think your children are asking or would ask you (or their mom) to do that. To put your self-decision on them, even obliquely, is just...???

 

Whatever choices and decisions parents make must be from an adult, self-responsible place based on their own logic, reasons of what they believe is best. THAT'S what children deserve, expect. Your decision, yes, does (or may, depending on your own beliefs) necessarily include the health, welfare, safety and well-being of especially under-aged children, but there can be no even-potential thought about "I sacrificed my life for you." Take responsibility for your own life, happiness, etc., without having to have someone else on which to lay the blame if things go sideways.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can still be a great parent and not live with your children's other parent. Sometimes, it really IS the best thing. Kids can sense things and staying together "for the kids" is not always or often the best thing.

 

Only you can decide what is best for you and the children, though.

 

Best wishes

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

There are two separate issues here, which may or may not be connected.

 

- her emotional affair with this friend

 

and

 

- her lack of affection toward you

 

As far as the emotional affair, has she agreed to cut communication with him 100%? Has she agreed to be transparent and allow you to check up on her (phone, email) anytime until you feel comfortable not doing that? Has she sincerely apologized to you? If yes, yes, yes, I would trust her intentions to leave the affair behind her.

 

Then there's the other issue... the way she treats you.

 

I can tell you that a "mean" partner absolutely kills sex drive. Men can just put whatever resentments they are having aside because they have that physical need for sexual release. But that's not always easy for women. Women often need that emotional connection and feeling of being loved and cherished BEFORE they are able to be sexually open. All it takes is a few cruel words, and it no longer feels "safe" to be vulnerable.

 

Then it causes this huge cycle... she doesn't want to have sex, so you get angry and resentful, so you are mean and snippy, so she wants to have sex less, so you get angrier, etc. etc. etc.

 

You only have control over YOUR part of the cycle. You can choose to behave in a completely different way and see if the cycle becomes disrupted. Remember back to when you were dating and the way she looked into your eyes and then wanted to rip your clothes off? Could you set down all your anger and try to get back to being that guy who inspired those feelings in her?

 

Of course, this plan is tainted by her emotional affair, which adds a whole other level of distress to the situation. :(

 

Before you give up, assuming you believe she is honest about ending the affair, I would give it another good try. See if you can work with her to turn things around.

 

But if she won't work with you or if she's still talking to this guy, then go ahead and end it. Your children will be fine as long as you stay connected to them and learn about how to handle divorce, custody issues, etc.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you all for quick responses to my post. It is so great to read all this advise! I was so glad to find this site. Thank you! I cannot wait to read more. Once I am a little bit over my own cloudiness of the head, I will myself contribute to other posts as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I can tell you that a "mean" partner absolutely kills sex drive. Men can just put whatever resentments they are having aside because they have that physical need for sexual release. But that's not always easy for women. Women often need that emotional connection and feeling of being loved and cherished BEFORE they are able to be sexually open. All it takes is a few cruel words, and it no longer feels "safe" to be vulnerable.

 

Then it causes this huge cycle... she doesn't want to have sex, so you get angry and resentful, so you are mean and snippy, so she wants to have sex less, so you get angrier, etc. etc. etc.

 

Interesting. I am facing the opposite problem. WW has specifically described me as "kind" but is leaving me for OM. For my WW it is probably more of a marital frustration/boredom issue. WW said she wants someone who fights back more, aka more conflict. WW is aggressive and I am accommodating/passive. Our lives are otherwise secure, so I don't think safety is any issue. Two ends of the spectrum, I guess.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

JohnBol,

 

If she is willing to do counseling, why not give it a listen. You can always decide it's not worth it. I think you have some serious long term issues, but you've been given a chance to work on things. Don't take that lightly. Not all of us get that chance.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

"Batteries Dying" is a sexual phrase I think, as in PA. I didn't read the whole thread but if the census is still just EA... I do see that you wrote he is from OOT but this could mean like he couldn't keep it up.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If she's willing to do counseling then go for it, just know it's going to be a long road for both of you. She's going to have to work to regain your trust. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
"Batteries Dying" is a sexual phrase I think, as in PA. I didn't read the whole thread but if the census is still just EA... I do see that you wrote he is from OOT but this could mean like he couldn't keep it up.

 

Her batteries died...probably in her vibrator because a phone has only one battery.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Retrieve the deleted texts.

 

If she's telling the truth and truly remorseful, she'll support your investigating because if you search and find nothing, you both win.

 

If she balks at the retrieval, she's either still lying or not truly remorseful and you shouldn't reconcile with her under those conditions.

 

For me, I could conceive of forgiving my wife for an affair but I couldn't reconcile with a woman who was actively lying to my face. The fact that your wife trickled the truth to you (and in an obviously disrespectful fashion - calling your bluff) doesn't bode well for you having the full truth "now." I'm sorry to say it but my gut says she likely had a physical affair with this dude (providing that they had the opportunity). The cheater's handbook is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. Women KNOW that a physical affair can really be a dealbreaker for a man so they vow to "take it to the grave." They justify it by lying to "protect you." I'm afraid that your prediction of her reconciling as a form of damage control very much fits a pattern. She may eventually shed the fog that she's in but it requires that you shed your own fog as well (you are also likely in a damage-control mode). The first stage of this for you is typically denial (of the significance of the infidelity). I recommend you find the truth while you can.

 

As for staying for the kids, you've gotten some good advice not to do so. In my situation, when it became clear that I was no longer reconciling for my wife/marriage but just for the sake of the children, I knew I was done and it felt ok to leave. It took me 8 months to get to that point (and a lot more discoveries in the meantime).

 

Last piece: I think it takes two things to reconcile: (1) A truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Rest assured that #2 cannot come before #1. It can take a long time to figure out what kind of spouse you're really dealing with. How much patience do you have for that to play out? I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs to Know. It'll give you a clue what true remorse looks like.

Edited by BetrayedH
  • Like 11
Link to post
Share on other sites

1. I'm so sorry for you.:(

 

2. The trust issue is not the most important thing, as you mentioned. She 'lost' it with you. You also "deserve to be happy" love and be loved.

 

2. If there's no financial extreme problems, I just say that your children will be fine in any situation as long as you both love them. To maintain a family with bad vibes between the parents is not a good environment.

 

3. If she is ready to work on your marriage why not giving it a chance? But the chance must be conditioned with "telling the whole truth". It is an insult to everyone's intelligence to assume that nothing happened except the things you caught her with. Come on, it's ridiculous. Yes, much more has happened.

 

Tell her she can't go with you to counseling while continue hiding things. Maybe you can threaten to inform the OM's wife if she doesn't start telling the truth.

 

If there's no truth, there's no trust, and you can throw this counselling to the trash. there's no point in "working your marriage".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Please don't "sacrifice yourself for your children". You'll only be sacrificing your happiness and your manhood. A miserable, resentful marriage is not good for your children.

 

Frankly, her level of deception is quite despicable and I'd be doubting that she's never met the guy in person. I would recommend divorce. You deserve better.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
still_an_Angel

I tried to "sacrifice" myself for my children when I agreed to reconcile with my stbxH. He left us and moved to another country and stayed away for 2 years. I managed to keep us alive after he abandoned us and was actually on my feet when he came back. My eldest child was the hardest hit by what happened and kept getting into trouble. So when the H asked to come back, this was a painful decision I made (for myself) because I really wanted to stabilize my older kids. But it turned out disastrous for me as I felt I'm literally slowly dying having him in my life/our lives again.

 

 

Lesson from my story: I am the leader in my kids lives, if I'm not stable and of sound mind, I cannot give them/teach them good lives. There was no point in "sacrificing" myself because my kids could see beneath the façade and could definitely feel all the undercurrents beneath the happy family image outsiders think they see when they look at us as a family. I think with me being separated but happy, I'm able to parent better than having both of us under the same roof but are obviously just dying to get away from each other and leading separate, secret lives.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
gettingstronger

Although divorce is not an ideal situation for kids, many people successfully raise children in divorced households. I think that if you are truly not happy, you should calmly and maturely end your marriage-

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you look at it as a sacrifice, then it will never work.

 

If you feel that you are her second choice, it will never work either.

 

If there is still love between you, and she transfers herself back to you, you may stand a chance as a couple. But it will take years of real work and commitment from the both of you. Working towards passion again, but your marriage will never be the same. And she'll have to deal with your triggers and need for truth.

 

She may not be ready now. Initiate a divorce and you will be able to tell if there see if there is a real change on her part, not just the fear of loss.

 

Counseling is only helpful if the affair has ended, and sometimes it backfires if you don't have someone trained in infidelity. Some counselors will be fine helping the wayward spouse to focus on the THEIR issues, and downplay the damage that needs to repaired.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I think her remorse has more to do with saving her marriage and protecting our children from a divorce, more than her “love” for me.

 

Yes, yes, yes. She is sacrificing herself for the kids. All you will ever get is duty sex.

 

You need to absolutely file for divorce now. It’s the quickest way to regain her respect and will make you more desirable in her eyes. If you just forgive her you will always be the consolation prize.

 

See how she reacts. If it’s great you can always call off the divorce. FILE NOW!

 

But when I took away her phone, threatening that I was going to take the phone to an IT specialist to read off everything from the hardware (included the deleted messages), she started to talk.

 

Do this. Check out the phone.

 

She says they never met in person, but discussed what it would feel like to do it in person again during Christmas 2012. At the time, she was visiting her parents with one of my daughters in Virginia. We live in NJ. And he was going to be on a business trip nearby. But she says they never met.

 

See if the phone records back this up.

 

She says what I caught her in August 2014 was not a restart. And they had chatted only a few times over a couple of weeks, nothing serious. Just hi, bye, except one time (the day I caught her) when he was asking if they had ever had sex on “that lake back in high school”, to which she responded that they had just walked. I don’t believe her when she says she wasn’t going to re-start.

 

So the only time she was inappropriate is the only time you checked?

 

Why would she have apologized to him for her batteries dying?

 

Her batteries died...probably in her vibrator because a phone has only one battery.

 

She insists nothing else has happened with him or anyone else.

 

DNA your kids if for no other reason than the shock value. It will vividly illustrate how she has lost your trust. Do this even if you’re 100% sure they are your kids. You can buy a kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for about $30. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. You send it off to a lab with $130 more.

Edited by Buckeye2
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you again to all who have responded or read my post. A lot of good advice, some of it very tough to read frankly, but appreciated all the more. I am finding that denial has been a very tempting medicine, trying to downplay to yourself the gravity of what she has done, the rush to believe her now (especially that nothing has happened) -- all so that the pain would go away, and you can pretend all is fine. The worst part of it for me is that it went on for so long, even if it was just phone conversations for over 7 months, at least. I cannot bring myself to think I can ever forgive that she looked in my eyes during that time, and continued to do this behind my back. A one-night stand or two would have been much better, I think, than finding her to have been a systematic long-term liar. She says me being "mean" drove her to this. But I had been "mean" because of her coldness towards me.

 

 

Once thing I am beginning to see more clearly is, if we stay together it won't be because of the kids. Yes, it is not fair to treat them that way.

 

 

Another thing that a few of you have said is that probably she did something in person AND that she would never admit to this. It is hard for me to ponder this possibility, but I cannot find any way around agreeing that she WOULD never tell me the truth, because she knows, after seeing how upset the mere phone calls have made me, that THAT would be the end. So naturally she would NEVER tell me. And there is NO way for me to find that out! She used Facebook Messaging and deleted all her messages. Is there a way to retrieve them somehow?

 

 

Thanks again to all for responding and reading. And to those of you who have dealt with infidelity, I am sorry to hear that. I know who painful it is, and it is unbelievable that someone you trust and love would do that to you! They should just have had the courage to leave rather than treat our lives like nothings.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I stayed for my child - at least I thought I did. For me it was a combination of fear of starting my life over, alone, and pure denial of how much damage her cheating actually did to me and our marriage. So I decided to stay and try to forget. Well, no one ever forgets and the real weight of her betrayal landed on me slowly over time. My children are grown but I am still with her today. Still my choice for lots of reasons. The time for me to end the marriage was way back at the beginning, but I was too weak and too confused. I did not get any counseling or help of any kind from anyone. In face I never even spoke to anyone about it because of the deep shame I felt for staying with a woman who cheated on me. But you know there are two sides to this coin and most people are telling you that leaving is the right thing to do. Well, I lived it and can tell you that ending your marriage is the right thing to do for everyone involved.

 

Ok, so you know your wife is still lying to you - right? They all do. They will only reveal those things that they are absolutely sure you will find out on your own or things that will throw you off the track of even uglier truths. That's just how it is so you have to accept it and act accordingly.

 

As for this:

 

She says they never met in person, but discussed what it would feel like to do it in person again during Christmas 2012. At the time, she was visiting her parents with one of my daughters in Virginia. We live in NJ. And he was going to be on a business trip nearby. But she says they never met.

 

Of course they met and had sex - that's a given in my mind. But the fact that he travels for business makes it nearly a sure thing that he met up with her many times. If it is important for you to know if she actually had sex with him then you have to keep digging. Maybe doing a true 180 - like moving out and meeting with a divorce lawyer - maybe that will help her give you the truth when you ask her again. You say she is panicking now over the thought of the marriage ending - how do you think she's going to react when you being to actually end it? She might just be scared straight and be willing to reveal more of the truth.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Ditto what the others have said.

 

Those who act fast and act strong stand the best chance of saving their marriage and at least their dignity. Don't be one more guy who lets the possessed wife run a marriage off the rails.

 

Her explanations reek of a cover up. Most likely they met up, and more than once. She's half minimizing to protect you, half to protect yourself. She knows what you'll think of her if she tells you.

 

If the need for truth is nagging at you and eating you away, scheduling a polygraph (seek advice here for the questions you plan - a few very distinct yes/no questions with no room for equivocation) or initiating a divorce in almost all cases brings forth a deluge of the secrets she's been holding back. You won't get everything but you should get the chunk you are looking for. It will only lead to more questions so be careful what you wish for. As for details, many people need them.. and many regret asking.

 

You're in a tough spot, OP. A very tough spot.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You know what, after reading stories of caught spouses, I think they are like fish hooked and out of the water. They are panicking and you basically can do what you like...throw them back or have them for dinner.

 

Either way, be kind taking the hook out and don't cut yourself!

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
He lives in a different state, and also married.

 

So you know his name?

 

And her last message, which I also read a day later was: “He thinks he caught me deleting our chats, which I always do. I think he is bluffing.”

 

If you have the courage....Tell her to pack a bag and leave. You and the kids stay in the house.

 

Call her bluff. Make sure SHE understands that she can't have it both ways. It's you, the marriage and the kids or the MM (not OM, since he is married. OM is a single man) and you will file for divorce.

 

Show her that you're not going to allow her to cheat on you.

 

If she is truly remorseful, ready to counseling on her own and marriage counseling with you and ready to give and commit 100% into fixing things, then you can decide if she is worthy of a second chance.

 

This is HER messing up the marriage, not you.

She says me being "mean" drove her to this. But I had been "mean" because of her coldness towards me.

 

Typical cheater attitude. Blame the betrayed spouse for their choice in cheating.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Retrieve the deleted texts.

 

If she's telling the truth and truly remorseful, she'll support your investigating because if you search and find nothing, you both win.

 

If she balks at the retrieval, she's either still lying or not truly remorseful and you shouldn't reconcile with her under those conditions.

 

For me, I could conceive of forgiving my wife for an affair but I couldn't reconcile with a woman who was actively lying to my face. The fact that your wife trickled the truth to you (and in an obviously disrespectful fashion - calling your bluff) doesn't bode well for you having the full truth "now." I'm sorry to say it but my gut says she likely had a physical affair with this dude (providing that they had the opportunity). The cheater's handbook is to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. Women KNOW that a physical affair can really be a dealbreaker for a man so they vow to "take it to the grave." They justify it by lying to "protect you." I'm afraid that your prediction of her reconciling as a form of damage control very much fits a pattern. She may eventually shed the fog that she's in but it requires that you shed your own fog as well (you are also likely in a damage-control mode). The first stage of this for you is typically denial (of the significance of the infidelity). I recommend you find the truth while you can.

.

Amen. Forgiveness isn't given, it's earned.

 

The finish line could be very close either way. Retrieve the texts and - go or stay - you'll have your answer...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...