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unsure 09

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I've been married to my husband almost 10 years, this man would do anything for me, and would never do what im doing to him. Almost 5 years ago we decided to start a family. Little did I know I can't have kids. 5 years of meds, money and surgeries, nothing has worked. Ive become bitter angry and very jealous of people who can have what I want.

 

Anyways.......to my terrible story of the terrible person I am.

 

I started a new job over a year ago and I love my job but I meet a man who is sweet, kind, wonderful, giving. But hes also married and 23 years older than me. Im 30. Hes not asking about kids or putting stress on me about having them. I don't have to think when im with him, he takes complete care of me, anything I want or need he takes care of. Doesn't ask for anything in return. He said when he first seen me he feel in love with the kind hearted person I am. Weve been having an affair for almost a year now.

 

Long story short, his wife found out. They are no longer together, he wants me more than ever now. I really do want to be with him, but im so afraid that ill be making a mistake if I leave my husband for him. Even though I don't feel the same way about him any longer, im just going through the motions. Im so stressed all the time, fighting with myself daily over this decision I have to make and dealing with my demons. Im scared to death to make this decision, excited at the same time thinking how much I want this other man. I just need some clearity right now. No one knows, ive not told anyone. Its a complete secret just he and I know about.

 

Thanks in advance, I also know im going to get some harsh comments and harsh truths.

Edited by unsure 09
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I can tell you first hand that being involved in an affair will cloud your true feelings for your husband. In a way its needed to justify our selfish choice to be involved. All I can advise is to think about your husband with another woman, starting a family, how would you feel about that because that is what's going to happen should you walk away.

 

I had to watch as my ex husband fell in love with another woman and it hurt like hell. Maybe be honest with your husband about what's going on. Affairs look different in the light. Maybe it will take everyone knowing the truth to find your way. Right now everyone except your husband has that truth. Give him that at least, even if you go with the other man. At least he will know why and he too can move on with his life.

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The age difference is going to be as big a factor going forward as your turning to infidelity during tough times. "Happily ever after" isn't going to be the most popular prediction...

 

Mr. Lucky

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listen to lovinDKT3... she has been there...

 

yes you are going to get some harsh comments... so i will forgo that to the others.. as i have had my own fair share of harsh comments for waywards.

 

While I can never condone your actions of the affair, i can offer is this:

 

You yourself said you no longer want the OM but in the same breath are excited about it....

 

You state all of the benefits of the OM... but ... there is always a difference between your relationship with your H and the OM and why the OM is an attractive option... An affair never has to contend with the mundane of life... its complications, its obstacles such as being able to have a child...

An affair is exciting because it is only a small part of life for a relationship, it is never a true relationship in the sense of withstanding the test of the whole of life... it simply reaps the rewarding side of life, the vacation aspects of life.

 

Your H will never win in that scenario but he might if you were to put aside or try and overcome the rush and chemical high you experience from the affair. Would you really even have looked at this OM had you been single? Does he have all the qualities you found in your H as you married your H for the whole of what a relationship needs and not just the fantasy or a small part?

 

You actually know the truth to that answer but you must not yield to the high of the affair...

 

Whatever you decide, please give the honesty and respect your husband deserves... tell him whether you decide to leave him or stay. In either case, you will have a fresh start and most of all it will be fair to all parties involved, including yourself.

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Even though I don't feel the same way about him any longer, im just going through the motions. Im so stressed all the time

Did you mean that you don't feel the same way about your husband any longer, and that you're just going through the motions in your marriage?

 

Is your marriage to such a point that you would want to get a divorce EVEN IF there was nobody else in the picture?

Would you rather be alone, on your own than married to your husband?

What, if any, are the things in and about your marriage that, in your mind right now, are or might be worth fighting for? (Family, friends, lifestyle, social circle, income level/status, etc.) What would you be losing once you divorced your husband?

 

That is, don't decide to divorce based on "guy #1 versus guy #2"...do it on whether your marriage is long-term broken, not fixable, untenable for you. If you believe/feel so, then get divorced first, and then go see if the new guy is worth getting into a long-term with.

 

It's not an easy thing, which is all the more reason to use lots of logic and reasoning instead of following only feelings and emotions.

 

Best of luck.

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His wife may very well contact your husband, then your comfy little secret romance will be laid bare. What will your feelings be when you see how you've devastated him? It's coming. Be prepared for the fallout.

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Oberfeldwebel

I agree with lovinDKT3, affairs are like mushrooms, they grow in the dark when fueled with a lot of bullstuff. No new man does not put pressure on you for children, he has already had his children and an ex that are putting pressure on him. If this relationship is so perfect than you should be shouting it to the roof tops, not keeping it a secret. Your silence is says it all. If you really thought it was a good idea, you would not have come here looking for advice, you would have been enjoying the day with OM. Instead you are feeling remorse for your choices (this is a good thing). Still you have some "splainin' to do Lucy".

 

Since his people know, the only one who is in the dark are all the people that you say that you love. Your family and friends will be disappointed WHEN they find out, but your husband is going to be devastated. LovinDKT3 found out the hard way how tough that can be. It wasn't until she lost everything did she finally come out of the fog.

 

I know that stress can be a big factor in these situations and needs to be addressed, but it is not an excuse. I highly recommend the following:

 

1. Confess to your husband, it will be very difficult, so you may want to write down what you want to say.

2. Write a letter of no contact with the other man, let husband read it and mail by certified mail.

3. Block OM from all media and devices. Allow husband visibility to all media, devices and passwords. You need to be an open book, to help him heal.

4. Start counseling for yourself to address issues. You don't have to have children to be a complete woman, there are other avenues that you may want to address to have children or decide not to become parents.

 

You have some hard decisions that you need to make and every day that you don't confess, the greater the chance the OW will tell your husband. Bad news never gets better with age, time to put your big girl pants on and confess.

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Point 1: You have no children! Therefore you have a simple choice, husband or OM.

 

If you no longer love your husband then end it and give it a go with the other man. If you love your H then end with OM.

 

People meet and fall in love with other people all the time. Marriages end and new relationships start. Your lack of children is a bonus here. You don't have the usual concerns a lot of people in unhappy marriages have about leaving home and their children.

 

Point 2: I do think you need to tell your husband. Not for the usual reasons given on here though. The sad truth is you can't have children, but your husband can. He is staying with you through love and preventing himself from having a child through his devotion to you. This is very decent of him. Once he knows he may decide, given your infidelity, that he can now find a partner who can give him a child.

 

I'm not being cruel here, but when a couple say "we can't have children" they really mean "one of us can't have children and the other is prepared to accept that."

 

He has done good by you by staying with you. You need to be honest with him now. However, I do think you will be looking at Divorce and not Reconciliation given your child issues.

 

Sorry.

Edited by jackslife
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Yeah, I have to agree with Jack here. It would be one thing if you couldn't have children and you and your husband were devoted to one another, but that isn't the case. Why make him give away his chances of having a child by being devoted to you if you don't feel the same? Let him at least have the option. This is one of those cases where I think you must be honest.

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I think atreides hit some good points. You've already gotten some good advice here. I think you need to pull the blinders off your affair partner for a second. IF you leave your husband for this man what's the one thing that will stick in the back of your head as your relationship grows? If he did this to his wife and family of not sure how many years what is to stop him from tossing you into the gutter when he finds a new office hottie? Guys are more sex driven while women are more into the emotional part of it. He'll tell you anything you need to hear to get in your pants.

 

And when you get to the mundane part of the relationship who knows if you'd even want to be with the guy. He'll be retired a lot earlier than you and have a lot of opportunity to bring home anything he wants while you're still at work m-f.

 

I hope you get the point. The reason you don't feel the same way about your husband anymore is because you detached yourself for a year and made investments in another man. This wasn't at all fair to your husband. He should know the truth. And my advice to you is to tell him yourself before the your affair partner's wife tell him. If you come out with the truth it will be better for him and he may even have a sliver of respect for you if you do this. If he hears it from her or somebody else or has to constantly fish for bits and pieces you're going to eventually nail that coffin completely shut. Also, do yourself a favor and get an STD test. It wasn't fair to your husband if you both were sexually active still while you were sleeping with another man. While your husband thought there was no risk to these issues since he was under the impression you both were keeping your fidelity you very well could have brought something back to him.

Edited by jm2013
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I'll make this dependant on whether you want to tell your husband, or the other guys' wife has to.

 

Judging from your 'great excitement', I doubt it'll be you. Just leave your husband and let him start a family with a woman who will love him dearly.

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Thanks all. Im having a pretty rough day. Ive got a lot of thinking to do and deciosions to make, the chips fall where they may. I don't like keeping secrets from him. I just need to find the strength to do this, because I know once I tell H he will leave and file for divorce, and im not sure if thats what I truly want. I married this man for a reason, and I got some soul searching to do to be able to handle what comes next.

 

I do appreciate all the advice, thank you again.

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Thanks all. Im having a pretty rough day. Ive got a lot of thinking to do and deciosions to make, the chips fall where they may. I don't like keeping secrets from him. I just need to find the strength to do this, because I know once I tell H he will leave and file for divorce, and im not sure if thats what I truly want. I married this man for a reason, and I got some soul searching to do to be able to handle what comes next.

 

I do appreciate all the advice, thank you again.

 

As soon as you started your affair this is what you stacked yourself up against. You knowingly detonated a nuclear bomb in your marriage and now everybody is going to have to deal with the radiation and aftermath. It's not a matter IF your husband would ever find out it's when. You'll now get to see the emotional trauma you just bestowed upon your husband unfold. Then let the roller coaster ride ensue. From the sounds of it your husband is going to find out either way. I think some of us are just saying that if you care to reconcile with your husband after this all unfolds your best bet is to tell him yourself. Let your husband make HIS decision. You already made yours. Do what is right.

Edited by jm2013
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and im not sure if thats what I truly want.

 

Even now all you care about is what's in it for you. Seriously, come clean to your husband and then go with the other man.

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I've been married to my husband almost 10 years, this man would do anything for me, and would never do what im doing to him. Almost 5 years ago we decided to start a family. Little did I know I can't have kids. 5 years of meds, money and surgeries, nothing has worked. Ive become bitter angry and very jealous of people who can have what I want.

 

I am so sorry, fertility and conception loss is so damn hard - depression self esteem and more are common with this. My heart goes out to you on this loss. Is this an ovaries thing (eggs) or a uterus thing? But I assume you have pursued all options and ideas. How big are having kids to your husband? Adoption was rejected? More extreme ideas like surrogacy?

 

 

Anyways.......to my terrible story of the terrible person I am.

 

I started a new job over a year ago and I love my job but I meet a man who is sweet, kind, wonderful, giving. But hes also married and 23 years older than me. Im 30. Hes not asking about kids or putting stress on me about having them. I don't have to think when im with him, he takes complete care of me, anything I want or need he takes care of. Doesn't ask for anything in return. He said when he first seen me he feel in love with the kind hearted person I am. Weve been having an affair for almost a year now.

 

this is snarky - sorry - but with a mistress nearly half his age - what more could he ask for? Of course he would give you anything you want and asking nothing in return except.....sex with a woman half his age.

 

Long story short, his wife found out. They are no longer together, he wants me more than ever now. I really do want to be with him, but im so afraid that ill be making a mistake if I leave my husband for him. Even though I don't feel the same way about him any longer, im just going through the motions. Im so stressed all the time, fighting with myself daily over this decision I have to make and dealing with my demons. Im scared to death to make this decision, excited at the same time thinking how much I want this other man. I just need some clearity right now. No one knows, ive not told anyone. Its a complete secret just he and I know about.

 

Well as others have mentioned how has the OM wife not got ahold of your husband or this spilled out? Your probably aware that affairs are often much easier to feel fun and easy about. Your not living together, sharing home and other responsibilities, day to day stuff. It may not be so easy when your together in the same home for 10 years - and he reaches retirement age:o. Also adding to the pleasure of the affair is your childless issue - you have an older man who would not be disappointed or hurt by this "defect/loss" in you. All in all it would feel easier.

 

Thanks in advance, I also know im going to get some harsh comments and harsh truths.

 

Yes - I can give you harsh comments, particularly how long this has gone on, but that's too easy. I honestly think a key issue for your husband for you is does he really want kids in his heart, and since your not true to him and love him deeply enough to stay faithful - its a double gift to him to let him go. But I worry your transition to older OM may still leave you dealing with the loss of children as you age and some regrets. But that's only a guess.

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You have received outstanding advice. Some of those posts should be stickys.

 

I just need to find the strength to do this, because I know once I tell H he will leave and file for divorce, and im not sure if thats what I truly want.

 

If it's that close of a call between your husband and the OM, I would pick the OM.

 

Little did I know I can't have kids. 5 years of meds, money and surgeries, nothing has worked.

 

Your husband went through all that with you so I would think he very much wants to have kids. If you stay with your husband he's giving up having kids because he barely won a contest between himself and a man his wife had an affair with. Are you that much of a prize? How will you be able to live with that?

 

Cut your husband loose as soon as possible. Give him time to meet another woman and have kids.

 

The OM has already done the family thing so you would not be depriving him of anything. Be happy with the OM.

Edited by Buckeye2
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I pretty much agree with all those telling you to just get divorced so you can both move on with your lives. I don't know why anyone would get - or stay - married if they don't intend to raise children. Why tie yourself to one person if that's the case? Just hang out until one of you wants to move on and then do it all over again. It sounds like this is what you really want to do and I don't blame you a bit. But staying married and lying to your husband is cruel. Let him free like you've set yourself free. It doesn't have to be acrimonious, just tell him you how you feel - BUT there is no reason to tell him about your cheating. He doesn't need to know and, if you split, the chances he will ever find out are near zero. Plus, if he hears something and asks you about it down the road just keep lying to him and tell him it's nonsense. There's no real reason for him to not believe you or to start digging in to it. If you care about him as you say you do, end this without saddling him with disgusting memories of you cheating. Why hurt him needlessly?

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I don't like keeping secrets from him. I just need to find the strength to do this, because I know once I tell H he will leave and file for divorce, and im not sure if thats what I truly want. I married this man for a reason, and I got some soul searching to do to be able to handle what comes next.

 

Well so far you've been doing a pretty good job of keeping secrets.

 

At one point I was going to tell you that I felt bad that you couldn't give your husband a child but then you say that your not sure if you want a divorce so your not telling your husband but your still screwing this guy while keeping your husband on the back burner.

 

Talk about burning the candle at both ends. I think it comes down to you enjoy having your cake and eating it too and honestly, that stinks like $h!t on a shoe.

 

How about acting like a wife for a change. I think your husband deserves a whole lot better then what your giving and deserves a better life So either do the right thing and fess up, file for divorce and give your husband a chance to be happy, or let him know, do your best to show remorse and earn his trust back or watch him leave and if that happens, then you only have yourself to blame but stop with the pity party. If anything, imagine how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

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I imagine he is already contemplating leaving. If a man wants kids he isn't going to stay with someone who is emotionally gone. People can tell when something is missing in a relationship. If you don't leave now a few years down the road he probably will anyway. Might as well give him a head start.

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Because of the child issue, there is no chance of reconciliation for this OP.

 

Once H knows he'll be gone. Children and keeping the family together are often the one thing that makes a BS at least try to reconcile after an affair. This is not the case here.

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unsure 09,

 

Tell your husband that you have been cheating on him for the past year. Then tell your husband that you want a divorce. Now you need to make this very clear to him so that he will understand why you are leaving him. This will hurt him, however in the long run he will be a lot better off with out you.

 

Oh and just so you know, I do not view you as a victim or anything else. You admit that your husband has been good to you and yet you repay this by having an affair. You are getting older and women unlike wine do not improve with age. So my guess is that in about 10 yrs from now you will be one more women complaining about "Where have all the good men gone". I can tell you where they have gone, it is away from you. Just understand that as men age we grow wiser and we are not controlled by our hormones as much which allows us to make better decisions. So by the time you hit your 40's, men that age will be dating women in their 20's and even early 30's.

 

It is too bad that you fall for the same B.S. that a lot of other women do. You feel that your entitled to have a husband to be your rock, yet you feel it is okay to show him no respect or love. Regardless of what you think or have been told MEN are humans. We fall in love and we get hurt when that love is betrayed in the way your dong. Men want that woman that will return the love and be at our side. The sad thing is that women like you prove that a man searching for such a woman may as well be looking for a unicorn. So if you have any respect at all for your husband tell him what you are doing and divorce him. You have already robbed him of 10yrs of his life. What more do you feel entitled to princess?

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unsure 09,

 

Tell your husband that you have been cheating on him for the past year. Then tell your husband that you want a divorce. Now you need to make this very clear to him so that he will understand why you are leaving him. This will hurt him, however in the long run he will be a lot better off with out you.

 

Oh and just so you know, I do not view you as a victim or anything else. You admit that your husband has been good to you and yet you repay this by having an affair. You are getting older and women unlike wine do not improve with age. So my guess is that in about 10 yrs from now you will be one more women complaining about "Where have all the good men gone". I can tell you where they have gone, it is away from you. Just understand that as men age we grow wiser and we are not controlled by our hormones as much which allows us to make better decisions. So by the time you hit your 40's, men that age will be dating women in their 20's and even early 30's.

 

It is too bad that you fall for the same B.S. that a lot of other women do. You feel that your entitled to have a husband to be your rock, yet you feel it is okay to show him no respect or love. Regardless of what you think or have been told MEN are humans. We fall in love and we get hurt when that love is betrayed in the way your dong. Men want that woman that will return the love and be at our side. The sad thing is that women like you prove that a man searching for such a woman may as well be looking for a unicorn. So if you have any respect at all for your husband tell him what you are doing and divorce him. You have already robbed him of 10yrs of his life. What more do you feel entitled to princess?

 

First I strongly disagree about women not getting better. There is nothing sexier then a 40+ year old woman who knows what she wants and has no problem telling you. Yeah I'm good with that.

 

Most of the rest I agree with. I think she feels in control of both relationship, yet she actually has very little control. OM's wife knows so its really only a matter of time before the BH knows as well. Once he knows her views will change. Once she truly understands how little control she has. In a sense she feels if she wants husband she can have him or she can have OM should she choose. Its not the case. I have a feeling soon her focus will turn from wanting OM to saving the marriage she hasn't hit that fork in the road.

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I've been married to my husband almost 10 years, this man would do anything for me, and would never do what im doing to him. Almost 5 years ago we decided to start a family. Little did I know I can't have kids. 5 years of meds, money and surgeries, nothing has worked. Ive become bitter angry and very jealous of people who can have what I want.

 

Anyways.......to my terrible story of the terrible person I am.

 

I started a new job over a year ago and I love my job but I meet a man who is sweet, kind, wonderful, giving. But hes also married and 23 years older than me. Im 30. Hes not asking about kids or putting stress on me about having them. I don't have to think when im with him, he takes complete care of me, anything I want or need he takes care of. Doesn't ask for anything in return. He said when he first seen me he feel in love with the kind hearted person I am. Weve been having an affair for almost a year now.

 

Long story short, his wife found out. They are no longer together, he wants me more than ever now. I really do want to be with him, but im so afraid that ill be making a mistake if I leave my husband for him. Even though I don't feel the same way about him any longer, im just going through the motions. Im so stressed all the time, fighting with myself daily over this decision I have to make and dealing with my demons. Im scared to death to make this decision, excited at the same time thinking how much I want this other man. I just need some clearity right now. No one knows, ive not told anyone. Its a complete secret just he and I know about.

 

Thanks in advance, I also know im going to get some harsh comments and harsh truths.

 

Unless you divorce your husband, the man who "would do anything" for you and "would never do what I'm doing to him," then the om may want you, but can't have you. God, what a f'ed up mess you've made. Take a cold shower and get your hormones under control before you totally destroy an innocent man.

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