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I fear my wife is cheating on me. She has a "friend" that she texts constantly. I've seen some of the texts and they are somewhat sexual. I've also seen emails in the past that were sketchy. She never really reassured me when I confronted her about the emails and now she is very quick to anger when I bring anything up. I don't know what to do. I hope I am being crazy.

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You may be but the situation doesn't seem very promising. What's your relationship like with her? Do you guys talk easily? Do you have a good sex life? Fairly stress-free marriage?

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You may be but the situation doesn't seem very promising. What's your relationship like with her? Do you guys talk easily? Do you have a good sex life? Fairly stress-free marriage?

 

I guess I am kind of a bastard but we do have a fairly consistent sex life. Marriage is stressed since baby came along?? I don't know what to do. I am working on being better and would do anything to stay with her but if she has in fact cheated on me :sick: I feel sick. I always felt like she was the one person on this rock I could count on.

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You need to QUIETLY investigate. No more confronting. No asking questions. Play stupid and compliant. Then find out the truth. If she's cheating, she's just going to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. And the fact that you've told her you're suspicious will just make her hide it better.

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You need to QUIETLY investigate. No more confronting. No asking questions. Play stupid and compliant. Then find out the truth. If she's cheating, she's just going to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. And the fact that you've told her you're suspicious will just make her hide it better.

 

Well aren't you a bowlfull of ice cream LOL I feel like running away. I just don't know how to deal with it. It disgusts me. But if someone is honest why do dishonest things? I don't delete anything. Except maybe stupid coupons and junk emails I dunno...

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I agree with BH..quietly go through things. Try to calm your emotions down. They can get in the way, believe me. She will out herself in some way if what you suspect is happening.

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I guess I am kind of a bastard but we do have a fairly consistent sex life. Marriage is stressed since baby came along?? I don't know what to do. I am working on being better and would do anything to stay with her but if she has in fact cheated on me :sick: I feel sick. I always felt like she was the one person on this rock I could count on.

Do you mean that you have taken for granted her love and fidelity, and that you may now be forced to face the consequences of those choices, decisions that you made for yourself and on behalf of your loving wife?

 

If there might be any forgiving to be done, it will be also you who needs forgiveness -- and/or more than she does. (But of course we're getting ahead of ourselves because we don't yet know if or for what your wife might need "forgiveness".)

 

How, exactly and precisely, have you been "working on being better"?

What was it that you self-determined were your own mistakes, flaws, failings in your marriage?

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Do you mean that you have taken for granted her love and fidelity, and that you may now be forced to face the consequences of those choices, decisions that you made for yourself and on behalf of your loving wife?

 

If there might be any forgiving to be done, it will be also you who needs forgiveness -- and/or more than she does. (But of course we're getting ahead of ourselves because we don't yet know if or for what your wife might need "forgiveness".)

 

How, exactly and precisely, have you been "working on being better"?

What was it that you self-determined were your own mistakes, flaws, failings in your marriage?

 

Well she does tell me what I do wrong without going into specifics. I accept the blame and want to change but change happens slowly and it is hard. I don't know. You sow what you reap I suppose(probably mispelled). I just believe in having some honor like before I would cheat on anyone even a girlfriend I would call it off or at least tell them things are over. I don't know. Please go easy on me my heart is aching and my life is falling down around me.

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What do these somewhat sexual text messages say? I mean..right there is a red flag. Why is a grown woman who is married sending messages of a sexual nature to ANYONE other then her husband? That should be all the proof you need. Drop her.

 

Do you mean that you have taken for granted her love and fidelity, and that you may now be forced to face the consequences of those choices, decisions that you made for yourself and on behalf of your loving wife?

 

If there might be any forgiving to be done, it will be also you who needs forgiveness -- and/or more than she does. (But of course we're getting ahead of ourselves because we don't yet know if or for what your wife might need "forgiveness".)

 

How, exactly and precisely, have you been "working on being better"?

What was it that you self-determined were your own mistakes, flaws, failings in your marriage?

 

Yeah dude if this woman is cheating on him and sexting with other guys and all that she is NOT a loving wife. She is a terrible wife. I do not know why the hell this guy would need to be forgiven. Nobody is perfect, but it is this guys fault is his wife is banging other dudes? Sorry, no, if she cheated? She is the only one who needs to be asking for forgiveness.

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What do these somewhat sexual text messages say? I mean..right there is a red flag. Why is a grown woman who is married sending messages of a sexual nature to ANYONE other then her husband? That should be all the proof you need. Drop her.

 

 

 

Yeah dude if this woman is cheating on him and sexting with other guys and all that she is NOT a loving wife. She is a terrible wife. I do not know why the hell this guy would need to be forgiven. Nobody is perfect, but it is this guys fault is his wife is banging other dudes? Sorry, no, if she cheated? She is the only one who needs to be asking for forgiveness.

 

I have no actual "proof" though I don't know. I feel so sick. I just want someone to say just chill and wait and see. I mean how would you take if we can pull our lips apart and I won't go further than that. :confused:

 

And I don't think its dudes plural at least I certainly hope not or I'll be famous soon.

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I accept the blame and want to change but change happens slowly and it is hard. I don't know. You sow what you reap I suppose(probably mispelled).

bigfool...

To be upfront about things, I hate, abhor, loathe aching hearts. That isn't why I'm here...not to add to and exacerbate that.

 

But. That is what I meant..."you reap what you sow"...so go easy on your wife...because it just might be that now YOU are reaping what you sowed.

 

I am truly, genuinely sorry for what you're going through and especially so if there are grounds for your current doubts. It still doesn't mean that there is only one saint...or only one "sinner"...in the whole scheme of things, though.

 

Your life isn't YET falling down around you because, *if* I understood correctly, these are only your suspiciouns at this point. That's not to say that you're not spot-on and it won't at some future point.

 

It's okay if you want to tell yourself that change is hard and happens slowly -- I think that's what my ex-husband told himself, so I totally do get it. But it doesn't save a marriage, telling oneself that. It also isn't about taking blame or laying blame.

 

Our lives fall down around us and our hearts end up aching for different reasons than being willing to accept "blame".

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I just want someone to say just chill and wait and see.

Just chill and wait and see.

 

Don't be a BIGFOOL! :)

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Well aren't you a bowlfull of ice cream LOL I feel like running away. I just don't know how to deal with it. It disgusts me. But if someone is honest why do dishonest things? I don't delete anything. Except maybe stupid coupons and junk emails I dunno...

 

Look, I hear you. I was completely blindsided by my wife's affair. I never would have guessed. I was wrong. Big time. She and her boss were getting mid-day hotel rooms twice a week for a year. Holy crap. Some people get all caught up in these affairs and turn into someone you never expected.

 

If your wife is cheating, she's counting on your trust to be able to get away with it. If you confront her without hard proof, you'll just have tipped her off that the trust is gone and now she has to cover her tracks. You really get about one shot to find out what's really happening. Once you blow that one shot, you seriously may NEVER really know what happened.

 

Easy things to check are her phone records (lots of calls or texts to one number), lots of data usage (logging into a secret email acct), financial statements, internet history, search history, facebook messages, and so forth. That usually tells you if you should really dig more (using voice recorders, GPS, PIs and so forth). I wanted ALL of the facts so I could make an informed decision about how to move forward.

 

Usually when your gut says something is off, something is off. Hell, you already have sext messages. Your gut should be screaming. So dig and find the truth. Confrontations serve NO purpose.

 

Sorry it's not a bowl of ice cream.

 

By the way, whatever you did wrong, you didn't make her cheat. At worst, you may have deserved divorce. But unless you pushed the guys junk into her, she made that piss poor decision all on her own. You can own half of whatever marital problems existed. She gets to own 100% of the decision to find the solution in another guy's pants.

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if we can pull our lips apart

 

Is this one of the text messages? If so, I'd suspect that their lips have been together.

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whichwayisup
I fear my wife is cheating on me. She has a "friend" that she texts constantly. I've seen some of the texts and they are somewhat sexual. I've also seen emails in the past that were sketchy. She never really reassured me when I confronted her about the emails and now she is very quick to anger when I bring anything up. I don't know what to do. I hope I am being crazy.

 

Totally inappropriate behaviour and she should NOT be sexting with ANYBODY but YOU!

 

It's something she needs to stop immediately and let her know that you will not put up with it. Go so far as to tell her "Pack a bag and GO to your OM, we can legally separate and soon divorce. Or, end it with him right now and we go to marriage counseling to figure out what you felt the need to turn to another man. It's your choice.

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Look, I hear you. I was completely blindsided by my wife's affair. I never would have guessed. I was wrong. Big time. She and her boss were getting mid-day hotel rooms twice a week for a year. Holy crap. Some people get all caught up in these affairs and turn into someone you never expected.

 

If your wife is cheating, she's counting on your trust to be able to get away with it. If you confront her without hard proof, you'll just have tipped her off that the trust is gone and now she has to cover her tracks. You really get about one shot to find out what's really happening. Once you blow that one shot, you seriously may NEVER really know what happened.

 

Easy things to check are her phone records (lots of calls or texts to one number), lots of data usage (logging into a secret email acct), financial statements, internet history, search history, facebook messages, and so forth. That usually tells you if you should really dig more (using voice recorders, GPS, PIs and so forth). I wanted ALL of the facts so I could make an informed decision about how to move forward.

 

Usually when your gut says something is off, something is off. Hell, you already have sext messages. Your gut should be screaming. So dig and find the truth. Confrontations serve NO purpose.

 

Sorry it's not a bowl of ice cream.

 

By the way, whatever you did wrong, you didn't make her cheat. At worst, you may have deserved divorce. But unless you pushed the guys junk into her, she made that piss poor decision all on her own. You can own half of whatever marital problems existed. She gets to own 100% of the decision to find the solution in another guy's pants.

 

Well I'm still hoping I'm wrong she is the love of my life so I will give her the benefit of the doubt no matter what. I hope people who have been down this road can give me pointers and you are very insightful and I do thank you for your honesty. I guess I am in denial?? Thank you all. I honestly have no one I can trust to talk to unfortunately she is the one doing this so I guess I'm double screwed??

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whichwayisup
Well I'm still hoping I'm wrong she is the love of my life so I will give her the benefit of the doubt no matter what. I hope people who have been down this road can give me pointers and you are very insightful and I do thank you for your honesty. I guess I am in denial?? Thank you all. I honestly have no one I can trust to talk to unfortunately she is the one doing this so I guess I'm double screwed??

 

Look, right now she is being extremely selfish and not thinking of you. She may believe she's doing nothing wrong and she will deny and lie. She (right now) is not the woman you married and fell in love with. She is emotionally attached and addicted to this OM and how he makes her feel. None of this is your fault, she chose this. Yes, each of you own half the issues in the marriage but her choosing to get attention elsewhere or whatever it is she's doing is ALL ON HER.

 

Sorry you're hurting. Keep posting.

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Totally inappropriate behaviour and she should NOT be sexting with ANYBODY but YOU!

 

It's something she needs to stop immediately and let her know that you will not put up with it. Go so far as to tell her "Pack a bag and GO to your OM, we can legally separate and soon divorce. Or, end it with him right now and we go to marriage counseling to figure out what you felt the need to turn to another man. It's your choice.

 

What do you mean by OM? Sorry I'm new. I think I'll go throw up now.

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I fear my wife is cheating on me. She has a "friend" that she texts constantly. I've seen some of the texts and they are somewhat sexual. I've also seen emails in the past that were sketchy. She never really reassured me when I confronted her about the emails and now she is very quick to anger when I bring anything up. I don't know what to do. I hope I am being crazy.

I don't think any of us can give you proper advice without a little more detail. Who is this friend of hers? Have you met him? Have you expressed to your wife that you are uncomfortable with the friendship? Finally, what did the texts say? You don't need to give us every little detail, but a little more info would be helpful. I'm not exactly sure what somewhat sexual means. It's either sexual or it's not.

 

There's also another thing you need to keep in mind. There are more than one type of affair. If she's texting him as much as you have implied, it's very possible it could be an emotional affair and not physical. Has her behavior in general changed at all? Is she going out more than normal? Is she safe guarding her phone? The phone is usually the number 1 red flag. When I was cheating, I all of the sudden took my phone everywhere. I guarded it with my life. My H said he was suspicious for awhile before he caught me because of the cell phone.

 

I'm sorry about the stress and uneasiness you're feeling. I and others here can't tell you to relax and wait it out until we know more of what's going on.

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I don't think any of us can give you proper advice without a little more detail. Who is this friend of hers? Have you met him? Have you expressed to your wife that you are uncomfortable with the friendship? Finally, what did the texts say? You don't need to give us every little detail, but a little more info would be helpful. I'm not exactly sure what somewhat sexual means. It's either sexual or it's not.

 

There's also another thing you need to keep in mind. There are more than one type of affair. If she's texting him as much as you have implied, it's very possible it could be an emotional affair and not physical. Has her behavior in general changed at all? Is she going out more than normal? Is she safe guarding her phone? The phone is usually the number 1 red flag. When I was cheating, I all of the sudden took my phone everywhere. I guarded it with my life. My H said he was suspicious for awhile before he caught me because of the cell phone.

 

I'm sorry about the stress and uneasiness you're feeling. I and others here can't tell you to relax and wait it out until we know more of what's going on.

 

Well there is the whole kissing thing. Then there was a strange if it happened when it was with you comment. Then they call each other daddy and baby. Son of a blank I guess I know the answer already.

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whichwayisup
What do you mean by OM? Sorry I'm new. I think I'll go throw up now.

 

OM - other man.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

I think you should talk to you wife right now and let her see how upset you are over this. She needs to 'get' and understand consequences of her choices and what she is doing to you is wrong.

 

Do you have a friend close by you can call? It's great you're posting online, but you need support from friends and family too.

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If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would accept you sexual texting another woman so why do you accept this? She is showing total disrespect toward you and your marriage.

 

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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I think you should talk to you wife right now and let her see how upset you are over this. She needs to 'get' and understand consequences of her choices and what she is doing to you is wrong.

 

Why would he talk to her? Didn't he already confront her once? Maybe I misread.

 

How often have we seen the cheater follow the handbook: lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, repeat? If he reveals himself now, she could hide everything and then he has to choose divorce just based upon a few racy texts? Why not find out what's really going on first and then make a decision from an informed place?

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I just don't know what to do. Since the info I have gathered is technically collected in a dishonest way if I am wrong or reading into things she may never forgive me. I mean at first I found things by accident but I feel like everyone thinks I am so stupid. G-damn cell phones and texting so deceitful. I can't stop shaking I guess I'll try and lay down and stare at the ceiling so more. Thank you all for your concern I do really wish I had someone real to talk to but I don't really trust anyone. Technically almost 20 years together now and it means nothing I guess. Kinda sad.

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Bigfool I am sorry.

First, slow down... going every which way on this is only going to cause you more grief and stress.

Second, you in no way are to blame for any infidelity, it would be totally on her.

Third, her actions warrant "snooping" but you need all the cards. You have pretty convincing evidence in my opinion and you could confront but as others have pointed out, the last time you tried you said she got angry which is a red flag.

If you confront now, you cannot nice her back. I do not know of one case where a betrayed spouse could nice their straying partner back. Meaning don't take blame, don't accept her manipulation to and if she does ask for time, separation. Ask her to come clean and set consequences and back them up or you will only push her farther if you don't.

 

Alternatively, you could wait as others have said and it's good advice to get more concrete evidence to confront her with. Sometimes though, in the wait, the affair could become physical if not already and for many men, that is a "bridge too far"

So slow down, get your thoughts together and set what you want and follow through.

Again, very sorry.

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