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Wife is having an affair. So, . Am I in a fog too?


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Hi,

So, I got a little complacent in our 2 year marriage and committed many "Love Extinguishers." We have a 2 year old daughter that will keep us connected. I got stupid and lazy in our marriage and drove my wife to respond positively to emotional support from a man at work. We were basically pissing out each others Flames. I'd commit a marriage foul like not fulfilling her physical needs, and she'd respond to my crappiness by ripping my head off. Pretty soon our home turned into an unsafe place, with our poor daughter wondering what happened to us.

 

The other day I got the "I love you, but not IN LOVE with you" line from her, so I know it's some kind of affair. Although I still feel love for her, I moved out and we are signing separation papers tomorrow. I went to the AFFAIRCARE website and read up on it and pin-pointed every thing that I was messing up on (which was pretty much everything). Jebus, I was a terrible freakin husband.... I feel so bad for my wife. She must have went through hell with me.

 

After her last blow-up, she demanded a divorce and I said yes. It looked like a weight was lifted off her shoulders and stepped outside to call her love interest. I put up no fight. I deserve this. We've been amicable with each other and she is being generous with the divorce currencies. The day I moved out, they went out on a mountain biking trip, and when I made my last trip out, he was sitting on my couch. I shook his hand, introduced myself, got my guitar and said bye to my wife and daughter. (Should I have kicked his ass or something?). That midnight, I couldn't get over it and drove back out there and sure enough, his truck was still in the parking lot. That pissed me off because, come on, my daughters room is right there. She insists he slept on the couch though. :/

 

After my emotional roller coaster (I don't think the ride is over yet), I don't think I can go through with the divorce until I've tried everything. I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I sent her a letter on FB about how much she means to me and how ****ty I was before and how I will be working on ME, and try to win my girl back. Just around the time I hit SEND, the phone rang and it was her. She wanted to know how I was doing. I said I'm doing pretty good. I spoke to my daughter and spoke to her. I mentioned sending the letter and she wanted me to read it to her, so I did. After I was finished, she said she tried telling me over and over and I never listened, and basically that she loves me but, I think the fog hasn't quite lifted yet. She still has some feelings for the OP. She even tried to get me to start seeing other people, which I declined because I don't feel like it right now. I'm also seeing a Minister to discuss my feelings and marriage on the rocks.

 

However, we will be signing a separation agreement this Saturday. I think signing the agreement and waiting out the FOG, and win her back and show her that I can change. I also need to kick my own ass sometimes to maintain that change. Hopefully, our marriage will kick ass like it used to.

The OP is 45 years old, has two kids (9 & 11), divorced, and lives in a mobile home, working an entry level warehouse job. He is obviously putting his best foot forward to her. BUT, he has interesting hobbies like kayaking, mountain biking, fishing, and generally outdoorsy type of stuff which she loves. I might be cynical of their relationship because unless this guy can help pay her rent, she's going to start feeling the weight of what divorce is going to feel like. She says she loves him, but which wayward spouse hasn't said that?

 

I used to kick ass back when we first got together. I think the financial burden of being married and having a child has made me lazy, as I became more and more of a recluse on my days off.

Being separated and staying at my dads extra house is going to be the perfect opportunity for me to find my center again. I plan on taking up new hobbies and when I go out to visit them, I will try to reignite the flame, one spark at a time. He might be "good with kids" but no man can replace a good father no matter how much they try and she will see that.

I saw a divorce lawyer today just to see what I'm dealing with, but I think we can get through this without "THE MAN" interfering.

 

Question: Is it possible to date (in a relationship) with her with a biological child? Meaning, could we be bf/gf but have a kid together, and live separately? Do we have to be married? We both kind of see marriage as outliving its purpose and is now just a financial contract. I think we're better off just not living together. BUT, I will help her financially if she needs help. I can afford that. The other guy can't. She also wants to keep my last name. Mostly out of convenience of not going through the headache of changing it back, but to also have the same name as our child.

Another Question: Can a guy keep a girl just with interesting hobbies? I'd imagine those hobbies can only maintain the fantasy for so long before reality sets in for her.

tl;dr: Let my wife down. She's having an affair now. But we still have love for each other. I'm going to win her back. Can we get back together, just not be married, but we both have a daughter together?

 

 

I posted this exact story on Reddit, but the majority say leave her. She cheated, brought a man into the house, in front of my daughter no less. BUT, everything I read online pertaining to affairs says this is salvageable and not to make any drastic decisions right now. She still treats me like her husband when I go visit them. Am I being used or manipulated? I'm so confused what to do...

Edited by JHS045
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The problem is your sitting back blaming yourself, while she enjoys a hot affair and still has you coming over playing the role of husband. Moving forward you need to make decision with only your daughter and yourself in mind. Cut out all non parenting conversations until the AP is gone. Focus on yourself, and don't start dating. This is her wanting to feel less guilt for doing what she is doing.

 

Truth is women respond to strong actions not begging and pleading. Move forward with the intent to divorce, again DO NOT engage her unless its about your child. If things change and she decides to climb back aboard then you can start to work on putting the marriage back together.

 

One last thing, I was a horrible husband also, my actions earned me a divorce, not being cuckolded for two years. Remember unless you put his penis in her yourself this is 100% her fault.

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Wow man. You have some good control. I don't think I would have been able to handle that well going into my house and seeing my wife's AP sitting there on the couch while I was moving my stuff out. And it doesn't sound like your wife cares too much about hiding anything, that's pretty obvious. I was a crappy husband too, but like DK said, the affair is only her fault. You may have created an environment that contributed to the "there's probably somebody better" but it was her decision to do that. So don't blame your self for her wrong doings.

 

It sounds like you'll have to win your wife back essentially if that's the road you want to go down. Her actions seem pretty low inviting the OM over knowing you'd be there and watching you move your stuff out while he's waiting to sleep with your wife. I think at some point she'll realize that scumbag isn't a good solution at all. That will probably work itself out. Maybe you could start focusing on a new and improved you while you're out of the house. Get new hobbies and try to enjoy life and plaster it all over Facebook for her to see. I'm sure after seeing a new and improved you your wife will be knocking on your door before you know it. You'll just have to ask yourself if you're able to get past her infidelity issues, regain trust and live happily ever after.

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Time to do 'the 180.' Have no contact other than coparenting/financials.

 

And as others have said, separate out the issues. You own your part of your marital struggles but she 100% owns the choice to have an affair.

 

DK is also correct that women tend to respond to strength, not weakness. If you accept being her second boyfriend, that's exactly where she'll keep you. The begging, pleading, and desperation move is unattractive and is counter-productive. You've already sincerely apologized for your part and committed to change. Don't be repetitive. Now it's time to show quiet strength, which should include categorical non-acceptance of her choice to have an affair and to continue to do so.

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Ok time for some harsh tough love.

 

You are still fcking up at every turn. She had the affair because you've been a lazy slug and he was stepping up to the plate and offering her some fun and thrills.

 

You've really been dropping the ball once the A has come out because you've been a weak pussy and he has been the stronger, more bold and proactive candidate.

 

If you want to get rid of her and simply pay child support and see your child on your designated weekend while she goes out and lives it up with every guy that wants to get his dck wet, just keep doing what you are doing and that will all be handed to you on a silver platter because you are playing that roll perfectly.

 

If you want to keep her as a wife and have an intact family in the marital home then you are going to have to super glue your balls back on and move back into your home, make her stop sucking this OM' s dck, fck the living daylights out of her so she forgets him, kick his @$$ out of your lives and bust him up physically if he comes sniffing around again, and then layout the blueprint of how your new lives are going to be, and then most importantly get off your duff and be proactive and actually put in the work to make it happen.

 

She took up with this trailer-living, minimum wage, divorced old man because you have been so weak and lazy, he was the bigger, better deal.

 

You need to put the Xbox away, get off the couch, stick your balls back on and start being an adult MAN, husband and father.

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Damn, I got disgusted reading that. DUDE!!! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!! You did NOT deserve this! If there were problems in the marriage, then you can own up to 50% of those problems and SHE needs to own up to the other 50%. But, her cheating on you was 100% on her! You did NOTHING to deserve to be cheated on. That was a choice that SHE made. You had nothing to do with that decision.

 

 

So, grow a spine, dude! I mean, my God! Her affair partner was so brazen to be at your house! Sitting on YOUR couch! Probably eating YOUR food and drinking YOUR beer. Then, f*cking YOUR wife in YOUR bed with your daughter in the next room?!?! Yeah, he slept on the couch my ass!!! She's been lying to you this whole time! What's one more lie to you. She's screwing this guy. Why do I know this? BECAUSE SHE'S ENCOURAGING YOU TO GO SLEEP WITH OTHER WOMEN! What wife does that? Oh wait! a guilty one! If she discovered that you were getting some on the side, then it would ease her own guilt about what she's doing!

 

 

Dude, wake up! Time to go to war.

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And just as an FYI, I am going to go a little against the crowd here who will say "she cheated, divorce her".

 

I am all about throwing out a cheater when the BS is acting in good faith and putting in the effort to be a good spouse, parent and housemate.

 

But in a few rare instances, I think going outside the marriage is just a natural response to living with a lazy slug who isn't stepping up to the plate and fulfilling their role as a spouse.

 

If someone has already abandoned the marriage and neglected their responsibilities, I am not going to punish the neglected party for starting their new life before the divorce decree has been signed.

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Thanks for the replies, O' wise men.

 

I've been started the 180 already.

 

Although, my anger got a hold of me the other night and I sent a slew of "I can't believe you" texts, exposed to her mother, and work. She was upset of course, but hey...so am I. When she showed up at work and the first thing she heard about was her cheating on me (because I'm well liked at her workplace as well.), she went home upset and embarrassed.

She didn't like having the spot light on the affair.

 

Later on that day, I came to my senses and apologized for the texts. She called me and we talked about it. I'm trying to keep things as cool as possible with her in the event of an ugly divorce.

 

Ever since, it's been her calling me. I'm trying to 180, but she called me last night asking me how I was doing. I read the consequence letter to her and she said its very nice, but I need to move on. Is this the fog or is she really moved on? I can't tell. Her actions are saying otherwise. She still cares about me. I'm confused.

 

I've already got some new hobbies lined up. Road biking (gonna set up a baby seat on it) and carpentry. Might even join a yoga class. I heard hotties flock to yoga studios. :)

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And just as an FYI, I am going to go a little against the crowd here who will say "she cheated, divorce her".

 

I am all about throwing out a cheater when the BS is acting in good faith and putting in the effort to be a good spouse, parent and housemate.

 

But in a few rare instances, I think going outside the marriage is just a natural response to living with a lazy slug who isn't stepping up to the plate and fulfilling their role as a spouse.

 

If someone has already abandoned the marriage and neglected their responsibilities, I am not going to punish the neglected party for starting their new life before the divorce decree has been signed.

 

 

 

 

Normally, I would agree with you. BUT! It would be one thing if she TOLD him, "Look! I'm not happy! Things aren't going well! We need to fix this or else we're looking at going our separate ways! We need to fix this and get to counseling."

 

 

She never did that. Chances are she was cheating on him and to ease her own guilt, she probably told him everything that she felt that HE was doing wrong in order to justify that what she was doing was okay. Problem is, he bought into it and now he thinks he deserves this.

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JHS,

 

 

This situation you are in is nothing but drama. It's sh*t or get off the pot for both of you. You are just married with a 2 year old little girl!! Her mind is like a sponge and these experiences watching her dad move out and some guy move in will CHANGE your little girl for the rest of her life.

 

 

YOU are suppose to protect your little girl, YOU are suppose to FIGHT for her and your wife. YOU are the pack leader. Shaking his hand and walking out of YOUR house? No wonder why your wife doesn't respect you, you don't respect yourself!

 

 

STAND UP! Let her know under no circumstances that if you two want to make the marriage work that she is allowed any contact with this guy. My god man, what is wrong with you? Stop with the self pity and get your wife back!

 

 

Get your wife back by confidence! Not by whining, not by stalking, not by begging. If she wants to work on it, then this affair has to stop NOW. If she won't then sign divorce papers and be as ruthless as you can be to make sure your little girl is protected.

 

 

Can you date someone you are married to? Dude, you should have been dating her all along. Just because you are married doesn't mean you don't date and go out. That is the reason why you fell in love in the first place. But you can't IMO take a step back and just 'date' her without the commitment that you two vowed to each other.

 

 

This other guy has a smirk on his face and thinks he has it easy and it's because YOU are giving him YOUR family. If you want to give up then you deserve the pain you are going to feel for a very long time. FIGHT! Get mad! Get pissed! Get up off your ass and get your family back!

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Normally, I would agree with you. BUT! It would be one thing if she TOLD him, "Look! I'm not happy! Things aren't going well! We need to fix this or else we're looking at going our separate ways! We need to fix this and get to counseling."

 

 

She never did that. Chances are she was cheating on him and to ease her own guilt, she probably told him everything that she felt that HE was doing wrong in order to justify that what she was doing was okay. Problem is, he bought into it and now he thinks he deserves this.

 

I'm willing to bet the farm she's told him a thousand and one times, he just either didn't hear her or he didn't take any actual actions to fix it.

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She needs to know your willing to move on. She also needs to know that you are not going to share her with other men, not as your wife anyway. Talk to a lawyer, you've only been married two years, how can she be this far down the divorce path unless she started cheating from the time you married her? You have a two year old daughter, protect her. Make the affair a bad place to be, stop helping her set up her new nest, she needs to know what kind of a financial future she has with the POS that just moved into your home.

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I feel like many of you are giving me the slap in the face that I needed. Jesus ***c what was wrong with me.

 

I've been so beat down that I couldn't see what was happening. I'll get my clothes and move back in tonight. Jesus....(If you're religious and I offended you, I apologize)

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Did she or you ever get STD tested? If not, that should be on your priority list. Sounds like the guy she's with right now is a real piece of work.

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So the OM was in your house sitting on your couch and you......shook his hand:sick:

 

Dude you seriously need some self respect like badly

 

being a nice guy wont work in this situation

 

You are allowing another man to take your family without any fight its actually kind of sad

 

GYBB (GET YOUR BALLS BACK)

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You seriously, seriously need to get the "Married Man Sex Life" books by Athol Kay.

 

There is a blog and forums of the same name. Get signed up there and get the books today. You need some serious testicle reattachment and those books and forums have an actual algorithm and blueprints and process for doing that.

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I will. I've decided to move back in and give her an ultimatum. If she wants to be with this man, she can move out and be with him. If that's what she wants to do, we can sign the separation agreement.

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I will. I've decided to move back in and give her an ultimatum. If she wants to be with this man, she can move out and be with him. If that's what she wants to do, we can sign the separation agreement.

 

This sounds like a much healthier approach. You don't have to be a dick. But you can state your boundaries and moving a man into your house shouldn't be something a married man accepts. Be clear that you are absolutely prepared to own your problems in the marriage and fix them but her choice to have an affair is entirely on her. If she wants to pursue it, she knows where the door is.

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There you go! Finally!

 

 

When you get back, as a matter of fact, before you go home! Order a new bed. Throw that old one out! If she tells you that he never slept in it, call bullsh*t on that one!

 

 

Yeah, if she wants out, there's the damn door. No reason to uproot YOUR life to accommodate her cheating ass. Then start doing the 180. Act like you're moving on with your life without her!

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Order a new bed. Throw that old one out! If she tells you that he never slept in it, call bullsh*t on that one!

 

I was more curious about the need to burn the couch but hey, that's just me.

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Thank you, Gents.

 

You guys have been a great help.

 

NOW, what do I do if the bastard is there? Call the cops? I'm not going to jeopardize myself and win an assault charge.

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I will. I've decided to move back in and give her an ultimatum. If she wants to be with this man, she can move out and be with him. If that's what she wants to do, we can sign the separation agreement.

 

Just keep in mind that ultimatum s only work if you are completely ready, willing and able to go through with it.

 

It also only works if if she has a reason to go along with your wishes. If you want her to stay with you and have a remotely happy, healthy marriage, you have to be the better man and provide the better deal.

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Thank you, Gents.

 

You guys have been a great help.

 

NOW, what do I do if the bastard is there? Call the cops? I'm not going to jeopardize myself and win an assault charge.

 

It's your house, tell him to leave.

 

If she comes to his defensive and says he can stay, send her packing with him.

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Be cool and calm as a cucumber. If needed, call the cops and let them sort it out; my bet is that the OM will be sent packing.

 

And no, you don't want an assault charge (you should really trust me on that one).

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Yeah dude, If he's there. He needs to go! If he gets physical with you (which I VERY much doubt. Guys like this are usually cowards), then protect yourself. BUT DO NOT THROW THE FIRST PUNCH! If he still refuses to leave, call the cops.

 

 

Then, go to the court house and see about getting an order of protection out on this guy stating that he cannot be around your home or your daughter until after a divorce is finalized. Family court judges could give a damn about you or your wife. What they DO care about is the welfare of your daughter and if you state that your daughter being around the man your wife is sleeping with would be too confusing and damaging to her; well, you're going to be hard pressed for a judge NOT to agree with that. Get a lawyer to help you with this.

 

 

Again, she wants the divorce, she can leave. Another thing you want to is stop off at Walmart or Best Buy and get a Voice activated Recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times! She's going to mad as hell that you kicked her lover out. So, she's going to want to pick a fight with you. If you give in and start arguing with her, that's all she'll need to call the cops and tell them that she doesn't feel safe with you in the house and they'll make you leave. Then, SHE'LL go down to the courthouse and get an Order of Protection out on you and she'll get it because there will be a record of a domestic disturbance! So, you'll get kicked out and take a scientific wild ass guess who she'll move back into your house? The VAR will protect you. If she calls the cops, you can play it back to them and they'll know that she was lying.

 

 

Protect yourself!

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