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Wife MAY have searched OM's Instagram while trying to reconcile


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So as you know I have started trying to reach the OM's wife. Literally just about 10 minutes ago I stumbled upon OM's instagram account. Don't ask me why it peeked my interest to look at this guy's Facebook profile and just kind of poking around re-assuring myself of what I'm doing in my process with my wife. Let me get back to what I believe I found. We both got new phones and I'm in the process of selling them both. We also bought a new computer and I was getting our old computer ready for the kids. Anyways, there was some software I placed on the computer when I initially found out which pulls iPhone data into a readable format from the phone. Not to long ago she reset the phone back to factory but was still using it for a few months.

 

Anyways, out of curiosity I fired up the software and plugged the phone in. There wasn't really anything that stuck out from the ordinary. Though there was one curious image I did find of a man and his kid. The image was so small I couldn't really make out who it was. But when I just stumbled on the guy's Instagram profile low and behold it's the same tiny picture that I believe so far to be the one on my wife's phone. This would implicate my wife was searching for him if this were to be true. I guess at this point if it were true I'd be shocked again. It would mean she's still emotionally attached to this guy and thinking about him. Which would also mean what I'm doing and we're doing would be in complete vain. That would implicate her heart still to be elsewhere besides 100% to us. Maybe I'm just jumping the gun here and I know it's something small but this would pain a big picture of her internal feelings. This is crazy.

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It sucks but its a chance you take when you try to reconcile. Trusting someone that already proved they can not be trusted is just insane to me. Sorry your going through this but if you take time out to read through the threads your now just one of the many that put there heart out on the line again and had it stomped back into the ground.

 

Some people here say trust but verify. If you continue in your relationship that should be your new motto.

 

I personally do not ever recommend on staying with a cheater even if they feel remorseful. Its just better to start fresh with someone new and have a much better life. I had to learn this the hard way so while I may be somewhat critical its not because I did not try to do the same thing myself. I did and it just haunted me over and over again. I turned into the guy I said I would never be.

 

If you plan on staying with her it might be a good idea to really start investigating everything all over again just to see how deep the rabbit hole goes before you say anything.

 

Clay

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You're right. I'm going to keep this hush for now. I need to compare the pictures 100% to make sure I'm not just imagining this. When I get home that is what I'll do. And if that's the case and she made an oopsie on her phone I can only imagine what may be on her work computer. She knows better than to bring it back to the house right now. I guess what the most perplexing thing of all to me is how she is with me in this process. We go to counseling, church and she expresses her love to me daily. Yet this would show this guy is still in the back of her head or they may still be communicated. Regardless, it would basically prove she still has feelings for him and the chances of some sort of communication and re-engagement in another affair would run high.

 

But then there's a question to if I would be blowing this way out of proportion if that's all she was searching. I'm not sure. This would also implicate she has been successfully using religion to mask who she really is internally. Or perhaps trying to deal with her internal struggles. But if also true her feelings must have been deeper than though. She denies love but I'd venture to say she IS was or has some love for this man if I validate this all. SMH.

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But then there's a question to if I would be blowing this way out of proportion if that's all she was searching. I'm not sure.

 

 

I monitored electronics for some time. I did at one point see that my wife did a facebook search for OM, this was a long while after D day. This was the only tiny thing I ever found from her side - towards him. It was not enough to upset or bother me.

 

However, he did try to reach out to her several times, and while she did respond or accept these attempts, she did hide his attempts from me which we did address in therapy and resolve.

 

If thats ALL you found - a little tiny one search -I would recommend you keep digging and monitoring - but say nothing unless you find more significant stuff or trends.

 

 

P.S. after years of avoiding facebook, I recently joined and I regret it. Its tempting to look up ex's (mine and hers - including her former OM) and its hard to resist doing this.

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Keep it to yourself and keep looking.

 

My wife also claimed she had no "serious" feeling for the OM but admitted to maintaining contact with him for awhile after I found out. Just checking on him as she would any "friend". Then he turned psycho.

 

None of this I knew at the time, only found out just recently.

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P.S. after years of avoiding facebook, I recently joined and I regret it. Its tempting to look up ex's (mine and hers - including her former OM) and its hard to resist doing this.

 

It's actually all a matter of discipline. I had my ex best friend and other unhealthy people in my list, and simply kicked them all off. Not all have their profiles'security set high so technically I could still open a new tab right now and snoop through everything, but it's better if you convince yourself that nothing you see there is real anyway (which is true for 90% of uploaded "Oh so happy"-content) like TV shows etc.

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First I'm going to verify I'm 100% correct with this. I don't have dates but I'm going to document it. IF and IF she is communicating or searching she'd be doing it from work. And if this is true she might have a burner facebook account and may also have a burner phone there as well. I just can't imagine she'd do all this. I guess now I just think the worst automatically. But this just goes to show how volatile the situation is in any reconciliation. Just a simple picture of what I believe to be him from his Instagram account could set off a chain reaction, negative thinking and much more pessimism about our future.

 

We're literally together ALL of the time. She is an open book with her computer at home and her phone. She also has only a half hour work for lunch now. She works right up the street from our house maybe like 5 minutes away to let the dog out during lunch. She would have a small window for any intimate encounters. It would literally have to be a quick romp and back to work. She doesn't do girls night out anymore and has strayed from those activities. She had admitted she used girls night out excuses where he'd meetup with her and her friend at the bar.

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JM

 

Whilst I can understand the pain this has caused you, don't jump to any conclusions just yet. I know it is not want to hear but as a fWS, it took me a while to get over the exOM and I did sometimes search for things I should not. However in time I stopped doing this (I also felt like a complete sh&t to my husband for doing this) and our marriage has successfully and happily reconcilied.

 

The reconciliation process is incredibly hard work, it will not always go smoothly and there will be setbacks. Do not assume that the affair has started again - it may have done but it is more than likely based on what you have posted that your wife is dealing with some emotions re the exOM. This is to be expected for a while but is obviously not good long term.

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I'd verify that they are the same pictures and I would want dates (like when he posted it or when she downloaded it).

 

During our reconciliation, I discovered an email that revealed that my wife had engaged in a two-minute work-related conversation with her old boss, the OM. Of course, one of my requirements for R was that she have NC with the OM for life. She broke it. So I was faced with the question - After 7 months of reconciliation with a remorseful wayward wife, do I really end it over one 2-minute work-related phone call? I chose to confront and forgive.

 

Bad idea. I should've just filed for divorce right there. The key problem is that my wife was still lying to me. If I'm going to have a partner in life, I don't want one that is all good with lying to me. Trying to forgive an affair was one thing; reconciling with someone who was still actively lying to my face was something else.

 

I'd figure out what you're dealing with.

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JM

 

Whilst I can understand the pain this has caused you, don't jump to any conclusions just yet. I know it is not want to hear but as a fWS, it took me a while to get over the exOM and I did sometimes search for things I should not. However in time I stopped doing this (I also felt like a complete sh&t to my husband for doing this) and our marriage has successfully and happily reconcilied.

 

The reconciliation process is incredibly hard work, it will not always go smoothly and there will be setbacks. Do not assume that the affair has started again - it may have done but it is more than likely based on what you have posted that your wife is dealing with some emotions re the exOM. This is to be expected for a while but is obviously not good long term.

 

I agree with Anne here. Although a WS will not receive any sympathy and they have done wrong etc. etc. They have still just finished (abruptly) a relationship that may have been important to them. Early on in an A, it is probably just sex, but emotional bonding does occur.

 

If your WS starts texting and trying to get back in touch and relight the flame then she is in the wrong. But if she wants a quick look, just to see how the AP is or just so she can sigh, then you may have to live with it. Going cold turkey is fine, but it may take a few months to get over this. Whether a BS likes it or not the WS was getting something from the relationship, be it great sex, affection, a fantasy world. Losing all that is a jolt.

 

If you are working on R, then you may have to forgive and give a little, otherwise what's the point of bothering?

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JM

 

Whilst I can understand the pain this has caused you, don't jump to any conclusions just yet. I know it is not want to hear but as a fWS, it took me a while to get over the exOM and I did sometimes search for things I should not. However in time I stopped doing this (I also felt like a complete sh&t to my husband for doing this) and our marriage has successfully and happily reconcilied.

 

The reconciliation process is incredibly hard work, it will not always go smoothly and there will be setbacks. Do not assume that the affair has started again - it may have done but it is more than likely based on what you have posted that your wife is dealing with some emotions re the exOM. This is to be expected for a while but is obviously not good long term.

 

But how long into your reconciliation were you doing it? I understand he feelings for this guy were more than what she says they were. I guess what would shock me the most is how she portrays him now to me. It's like she reprogrammed her thoughts about how (so made me think) and was able to now channel some sort of anger toward the guy. But if this is true then that implicates this runs a lot deeper than she's expressing to me. And it would also mean her lies still run deep.

 

I don't even know how I'd track everything if she's only using her work computer and phone. Since this all unfolded a year ago she'd be a way better liar now and able to cover her tracks a lot more.

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It's 6 years since dday now and life has changed so much since then so I can't remember how long exactly but certainly in the first few months it was more frequent but over time, it lessened to nothing. I would however say that after a year, I was not doing that kind of thing anymore not even once every few months.

 

You need to get an idea of how long ago she did this. If it was a while ago or a one off, then not great but not terrible either. If more recent or a regular occurrence then that is something else altogether.

 

As for how she portrays the ex OM, I would say anger is part of the process too but again that should change if you are to reconcile.

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JM

 

Whilst I can understand the pain this has caused you, don't jump to any conclusions just yet. I know it is not want to hear but as a fWS, it took me a while to get over the exOM and I did sometimes search for things I should not. However in time I stopped doing this (I also felt like a complete sh&t to my husband for doing this) and our marriage has successfully and happily reconcilied.

 

The reconciliation process is incredibly hard work, it will not always go smoothly and there will be setbacks. Do not assume that the affair has started again - it may have done but it is more than likely based on what you have posted that your wife is dealing with some emotions re the exOM. This is to be expected for a while but is obviously not good long term.

 

I tend to think that the picture Anne has painted here is the most likely one.

 

Men tend to be the most disturbed by the physical aspect of their wife's affair. Women are typically plagued more if their husband had an emotional connection with the OW. Thus, it'd be natural for your wife to downplay and hide her emotional turmoil, expecting that you'd think like her. Because of the emotional connection, women have a hell of a time releasing an affair partner. Read in the OW forum and you'll see it time and time again. (Of course, I'm generalizing and there are exceptions).

 

The fact is that it's likely that your wife's affair "meant" more to her than she's letting on. And she probably gets nostalgic about it. And probably "checks in" on him. And downplays it with you because well, it would hurt you (Gosh it's great when they protect you with lies, ain't it?)

 

But I disagree with Jackslife that you just need to "live with it" or "forgive." That is entirely up to you. YOU get to decide when you have just plain had enough of this. Or you can decide that this is almost to be expected and in the grand scheme of things, not the greatest of crimes (as it may be more about her seeking her own form of closure than it is about you). Or you can decide that it "means" too much. It's entirely up to you.

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I guess this is more shocking to me because of her attitude. She has "turned" to God, put forth lots of effort but may have apparently been thinking about him. And if that's the case that she's thinking and searching him out it's like she's tabling her affair for an indefinite time period and see how a reconciliation would look. She'd hit an even greater low trying to hid behind religion, restructuring everybody's perception of this new person she is while reinvigorating a relationship with her AP on the side and still driving a spike through me. Like others have said, I'm going to do a little more investigating here. I don't want to jump the gun. Right now I have a that burning feeling in my chest.

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I tend to think that the picture Anne has painted here is the most likely one.

 

Men tend to be the most disturbed by the physical aspect of their wife's affair. Women are typically plagued more if their husband had an emotional connection with the OW. Thus, it'd be natural for your wife to downplay and hide her emotional turmoil, expecting that you'd think like her. Because of the emotional connection, women have a hell of a time releasing an affair partner. Read in the OW forum and you'll see it time and time again. (Of course, I'm generalizing and there are exceptions).

 

The fact is that it's likely that your wife's affair "meant" more to her than she's letting on. And she probably gets nostalgic about it. And probably "checks in" on him. And downplays it with you because well, it would hurt you (Gosh it's great when they protect you with lies, ain't it?)

 

But I disagree with Jackslife that you just need to "live with it" or "forgive." That is entirely up to you. YOU get to decide when you have just plain had enough of this. Or you can decide that this is almost to be expected and in the grand scheme of things, not the greatest of crimes (as it may be more about her seeking her own form of closure than it is about you). Or you can decide that it "means" too much. It's entirely up to you.

 

 

But almost a year later? I've broken up with girlfriends and was well adjusted under a year to have that emotional connection. And what's weird is they only worked together and banged a handful of times. There's probably more to that story but that is the wall I hit. Her exact words - "5 times physical and it was more emotional than physical". I'm not sure HOW you can even build a love like that for somebody who is only there at work. It's for the weak minded. I gotta stop. I'm starting to get on the wheel and it's spinning hard today after I found that. Thanks everybody for chiming in.

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compulsivedancer

She searched him once - maybe - so now everything she says to you is meaningless?

 

It takes time. You can't just turn off feelings you have, no matter what anyone on here says. And the WS is told to be 100% honest, but also told she's not allowed to have any feelings for him whatsoever. That's virtually impossible.

 

It's possible to still wonder about an ex or have some feelings and still genuinely want to reconcile. It doesn't mean she's out contacting him or restarting their affair (or has a burner phone? What makes you think this is likely?). I'd say it's a good sign that it's only once (if it's not your imagination).

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But almost a year later? I've broken up with girlfriends and was well adjusted under a year to have that emotional connection. And what's weird is they only worked together and banged a handful of times. There's probably more to that story but that is the wall I hit. Her exact words - "5 times physical and it was more emotional than physical". I'm not sure HOW you can even build a love like that for somebody who is only there at work. It's for the weak minded. I gotta stop. I'm starting to get on the wheel and it's spinning hard today after I found that. Thanks everybody for chiming in.

Does it really shock to know that she just might be lying about everything associated with her cheating?

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She searched him once - maybe - so now everything she says to you is meaningless?

 

It takes time. You can't just turn off feelings you have, no matter what anyone on here says. And the WS is told to be 100% honest, but also told she's not allowed to have any feelings for him whatsoever. That's virtually impossible.

 

It's possible to still wonder about an ex or have some feelings and still genuinely want to reconcile. It doesn't mean she's out contacting him or restarting their affair (or has a burner phone? What makes you think this is likely?). I'd say it's a good sign that it's only once (if it's not your imagination).

As much as this turns your stomach, it makes complete sense. I hate to say it but I understand it.

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She searched him once - maybe - so now everything she says to you is meaningless?

 

It takes time. You can't just turn off feelings you have, no matter what anyone on here says. And the WS is told to be 100% honest, but also told she's not allowed to have any feelings for him whatsoever. That's virtually impossible.

 

It's possible to still wonder about an ex or have some feelings and still genuinely want to reconcile. It doesn't mean she's out contacting him or restarting their affair (or has a burner phone? What makes you think this is likely?). I'd say it's a good sign that it's only once (if it's not your imagination).

 

It's been a year since dday. She's entitled to her own feelings, that's fine. What's not fine is acting on them which she's apparently doing. I'm not talking about something that happened awhile ago into this mess. This is pretty recent if true.

 

Does it really shock to know that she just might be lying about everything associated with her cheating?

 

I guess the only shocking thing would be the efforts in her actions. The way she has expressed her feelings toward him are anger filled with lots of resentment. It's obvious this wouldn't be true. Let's say this "small" event would sure question the reconciliation process and where her heart is truly at. If she misses the guy that much I don't get why she just doesn't go be with him. I would also question that my wife has lied about the whole thing. She probably stopped the affair when she found out all he wanted was a piece she was giving him and wasn't making any plans to leave his wife. I think I have to just cool down. I'm letting this fester way too much here. I need to get more proof before I can make this conclusive. And if true she would perhaps be using religion to mask who she still is. That's bottom of the barrel.

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She searched him once - maybe - so now everything she says to you is meaningless?

 

It takes time. You can't just turn off feelings you have, no matter what anyone on here says. And the WS is told to be 100% honest, but also told she's not allowed to have any feelings for him whatsoever. That's virtually impossible.

 

It's possible to still wonder about an ex or have some feelings and still genuinely want to reconcile. It doesn't mean she's out contacting him or restarting their affair (or has a burner phone? What makes you think this is likely?). I'd say it's a good sign that it's only once (if it's not your imagination).

 

This. I discovered my WS did a google search for the OM about a year and a half after D-Day. I wouldn't be surprised if it's happened other times. I realized during the beginning stages of our R that she still had some lingering feelings for him. Putting myself in her shoes, I could understand. It didn't make it easier or lessen the hurt, but it was realistic. In a way, I WANTED her to contact him, to exorcise any remaining feelings she may still have, say whatever was left to be said, get as much closure as possible. We've been honest about it, and discussed it/him as we need to over the course of the past three years. I wouldn't do any more info collecting if I were you. Just talk to her about it.

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This. I discovered my WS did a google search for the OM about a year and a half after D-Day. I wouldn't be surprised if it's happened other times. I realized during the beginning stages of our R that she still had some lingering feelings for him. Putting myself in her shoes, I could understand. It didn't make it easier or lessen the hurt, but it was realistic. In a way, I WANTED her to contact him, to exorcise any remaining feelings she may still have, say whatever was left to be said, get as much closure as possible. We've been honest about it, and discussed it/him as we need to over the course of the past three years. I wouldn't do any more info collecting if I were you. Just talk to her about it.

 

Did she lie to you about this? Here's my issue. I do understand to a point. I guess looking at it from a boyfriend girlfriend perspective wondering how this person is doing I can see this. I've been guilty of checking up on x girlfriends in the past to see how they were doing etc. This was only on Facebook for me. So I understand. If I ask her about this and it is denied and she lies about this I won't know where to go from there. That would imply she still feels lying to me and hiding these things from me to not hurt me is still the best solution. It is just very volatile right now. If I placed myself in her shoes and really wanted to be with her I would have ended my affair and never looked back knowing the smallest thing that could be misinterpreted by her could be detrimental to our reconciliation process. But I'm not her..

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Find proof. If your wife was truly committed to you she would not be interested in seeing how this other scumbag is doing. Sorry, I don't care what the excuse is..if she truly loves you and wanted to make this work then she would of never been looking to see how this guy is doing, etc. or any of that. Basically, this guy should, for all intents and purposes, be "dead" to her..and if he isn't? Yeah, she doesn't respect or love you. Well, you already knew that since she cheated, but then she throws this on top of that as well? That is harsh.

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I have to disagree spectre. As someone who has done what the OP's WS has done, I know it does not automatically mean that his wife does not want the marriage or does not love her husband.

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She searched him once - maybe - so now everything she says to you is meaningless?

 

It takes time. You can't just turn off feelings you have, no matter what anyone on here says. And the WS is told to be 100% honest, but also told she's not allowed to have any feelings for him whatsoever. That's virtually impossible.

 

It's possible to still wonder about an ex or have some feelings and still genuinely want to reconcile. It doesn't mean she's out contacting him or restarting their affair (or has a burner phone? What makes you think this is likely?). I'd say it's a good sign that it's only once (if it's not your imagination).

 

 

But, CD, remember the firestorm that ensued here when you admitted you had looked on the net for information about your AP. God, some of the posters were actually counseling your hubby to divorce you because of it. You may have thought it was harmless, but CM was more than a little put out at that and you promised not to do it again. A betrayed spouse is in a very fragile state so the ws should do everything he/she can to reassure their partner that they really are not interested in the AP.

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James-London

definitely keep this to yourself. also, give her a long leash. if she's gonna cheat - let her. just make sure you know about it all. monitor her carefully. then you are fully in control of what you do about it.

 

if there is 1 pic, my question is: why are there not 5 or 10? if she's still stuck on the OM, there should be more of this. if not, it could be a 1 off. i guess the alternative is that she did it once realised she could get caught so stopped even though she is still thinking about OM...

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