LadiiLuv Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 My husband and I have been together for 12 years married for 5 this last year has been a real struggle for the both of us. We both lost our jobs due to the economy and are working at dead end jobs to make ends meet, the stress from family and money has put a hindrance on our marriage and our sex life. We may have sex once a month and when we do it's not very pleasurable for me or even him (it's like hurry up sex). He has expressed to me that were not intimate enough and he even felt as if I did not desire him which is not the case, when I stress I don't have a sex drive and I've been so stressed out as of lately and I guess you can say I haven't performed for my husband or had the desire to. Last night we were alone and it was quite early so I felt like getting frisky, I started to perform fellatio on him and things got really heated. He decided that he wanted to make himself a drink and as he poured his drink I layed in bed waiting for him and as I waited I told him that I wanted him to hear this song that I heard on the radio that I liked and grabbed his phone and started searching for the song on Youtube. He became angry and started to yell at me questioning why I was changing the music and I told him I just want you to hear this song, then he started to rant on about me always messing up the mood and that I should leave things alone. So the music that we were listening to was on Pandora and all I did was pause it and played him the song that I liked, once he started complaining I put his Pandora back on. After that he was completely turned off, after no sex in a month and complaining about it he just layed there and asked me to get back to my side of the bed. I was so confused I didn't know what to do so I just apologized (for what? I had no idea), when I apologized he went right back to the same complaint about me changing the music and was sincerely mad.... Sooo, I asked him was he cheating on me? He got even more upset and told me that I was making stupid accusations and that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. What's confusing is we don't have a relationship that is missing love and I know that he is attracted to me and I am to him. I just don't know what to think do or believe. After last night I have not talked to him I can't even look at him he makes small talk about things that we must discuss but nothing more I'm so turned off by him right now that I don't even want to be around him. when I got home from work I ate and came to bed just to get away from him. I'm not saying that I want a divorce or anything I'm just in a I'm not so sure mood right now and I'm completely confused as to what I should do or how to feel. Some people may think this is petty but I know my husband and he not very easy to anger and considering the mood he was in then all of a sudden he just got mad. I'm not over exaggerating and I think he's cheating Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 It sounds like both your moods are off because of the stress in your marriage. I know my husband and I struggled when we had serious money issues. Are either of you doing anything to improve this situation? Such as gaining skills in order to find better jobs or adjusting your budget to make things more manageable? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 How did things go from "changing music and getting needlessly upset" to "accusations of cheating"?? 8 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 How did things go from "changing music and getting needlessly upset" to "accusations of cheating"?? I think it has to do with her picking up his phone. If he has something to hide, then he would've had that reaction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Anything is possible, of course, especially since his reaction was out of character. There's nothing worse than a man whose ego is shot due to losing a job. I guess the best thing to do is check his phone records for reoccurring phone calls and texts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 I started to perform fellatio on him and things got really heated. He decided that he wanted to make himself a drink i must say --- if i was with someone i wanted and did not have for a month and they were performing or just performed that act --- a drink is the last thing on my mind. seems his anger with the relationship is far greater than you suspect. i suggest in a quiet moment after work you ask him about it. even morph into how you realize things have not been going well (what you said to us). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 You both are creating the perfect storm for an affair if it hasn't happened already. Apart from that, you have access to his phone. If your husband was engaged in an affair he'd typically be in lock down mode watching out for stray texts, Facebooks messages etc. Instead it seems both of you are building resentment for each other until it pushes one of you over that edge to have an affair. You should both be seeking MC and fixing your internal issues together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 How did things go from "changing music and getting needlessly upset" to "accusations of cheating"?? On the surface it does seem like a big leap to go from changing music to accusations of adultry. however when someone is showing a significant change in how they treat their partner and start displaying disrespect, shortness, contempt without another identifiable cause such as a big fight or some kind of other identifiable cause, 9 times out of 10, there is someone else involved to one degree or another. Now in this particular case, the job and money stress might be that 1 out of 10 scenario but she would be negligent not to investigate the possibility of a 3rd party thoroughly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Some other thoughts in no particular order- -If someone is sucking my d!ck, the only things that will get me to leave the room are bullets coming through the window, the room is on fire and the kids screaming they can't get the bleeding stopped. -I wouldn't even notice there was music in the background let alone care about it. - I agree with above poster, this ain't about music, this is about something he doesn't want her to find on his phone. - a guy turning down a hummer after a month long dry spell can only be caused by a serious medical condition, an addiction to porn/masturbation and his tank is completely dry, an affair or he feels completely disrespected and emasculated by his partner to where his resentment has cut off all feelings of warmth and desire for her. A thorough investigation into an affair or porn needs to be the first step in this case before any questions are asked or accusations made because those things will be denied and further hidden if it is brought up without proof. If a legitimate and thorough investigation does not turn up any evidence of porn/affair, then the medical and the resentment angles can be explored. This is likely an affair or the job situation has made him feel emasculated and disrespected by her. If it does turn out to be the latter, please understand that in such situations many men do soon reach out to other women for validation so it must be acted on as quickly and as thoroughly as if it were an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadiiLuv Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 It sounds like both your moods are off because of the stress in your marriage. I know my husband and I struggled when we had serious money issues. Are either of you doing anything to improve this situation? Such as gaining skills in order to find better jobs or adjusting your budget to make things more manageable? We have down sized and put together a budget so that we can pay off some debt and he is attending school in the evening and I plan to go back in January. We are trying really hard to get back on out feet and as of recently things have gotten a little easier for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadiiLuv Posted August 27, 2014 Author Share Posted August 27, 2014 How did things go from "changing music and getting needlessly upset" to "accusations of cheating"?? I think it has to do with her picking up his phone. If he has something to hide, then he would've had that reaction. His reaction and the fact that he went from horny to peeved over a phone... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 His reaction and the fact that he went from horny to peeved over a phone... Still...it's a leap. And not one I'd make lightly. There has to be more to this story than just one oddball encounter. He obviously wasn't "feelin it" if he left the room to make a drink. Whether that's because he was/is cheating or just plain cranky, we don't know. Go into investigation mode. But realize the implications your words and actions can have if he's not cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 -If someone is sucking my d!ck, the only things that will get me to leave the room are bullets coming through the window, the room is on fire and the kids screaming they can't get the bleeding stopped. lmao sorry, I know this is not helpful, but that is hilarious. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sounds like neither of you were very in to it if he got up from a bj to get a drink and then you jumped to music. Still don't get the connection of jumping from changing music to accusing him of having an affair. I've seen many articles on signs your s/o may be cheating, but that's never been one of them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 Some other thoughts in no particular order- -If someone is sucking my d!ck, the only things that will get me to leave the room are bullets coming through the window, the room is on fire and the kids screaming they can't get the bleeding stopped. LOL!!! sorry, I know this is upsetting for the OP, but this really made me laugh.. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 (edited) lmao sorry, I know this is not helpful, but that is hilarious. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sounds like neither of you were very in to it if he got up from a bj to get a drink and then you jumped to music. Still don't get the connection of jumping from changing music to accusing him of having an affair. I've seen many articles on signs your s/o may be cheating, but that's never been one of them. I'm with bentleychic and candypants on this one. There might be a few cautionary flags waving but nothing that's screaming "YOUR HUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!" There's GOT to be more to this story than just what you're sharing in this thread. Something is amiss but only because I think there is a huge junk to this story that you're leaving out for whatever reason. Even the way you handled things the the following day by not talking to him, telling us that you can't look at him, how turned off you are by him, eating and hiding in your room after dinner, and how you don't want to be around him. This all seems a tad extreme and melodramatic considering you don't have any proof of anything. If anything, you're just making things worse by behaving this way. Has he ever given you reason to doubt his love or fidelity before this incident? If not, you might be making (more) problems where there need not be. Edited August 27, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 As far as the way his mood changed so quickly, that's not a huge surprise. I am a man and that has happened to me as well. How you felt the day after, not a big surprise either. In other words, this is nothing that is abnormal or out of the ordinary. The problem arises, however, in not dealing with the underlying issues that are present in your marriage. Stress impacts people differently. Have you considered going to see a counselor or a Pastor? An unbiased third party professional could really help your relationship. I am glad that you made it clear that you don't want a divorce. Please take the extra step to seek the help you need to get through this tough time. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 27, 2014 Share Posted August 27, 2014 lmao sorry, I know this is not helpful, but that is hilarious. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sounds like neither of you were very in to it if he got up from a bj to get a drink and then you jumped to music. Still don't get the connection of jumping from changing music to accusing him of having an affair. I've seen many articles on signs your s/o may be cheating, but that's never been one of them. You're missing the bigger picture here. This has nothing to do with music but rather his general attitude and demeanor towards her. Not liking the same music is not a sign of adultry. Having an underlying demeanor of contempt and hypercriticism and disrespect of your spouse and not having anywhere near a normal sexual response to them is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadiiLuv Posted August 28, 2014 Author Share Posted August 28, 2014 Okay... There is more to the story that night but I wanted to get to the point so I cut a little out so the post wouldn't be so long. My husband is off on Mondays so when I got home from work he was lying in bed fresh out the shower so shortly after arriving home I kind of initiated the BJ... Before things went a little further I decided to take a shower to wash away the all day funk and freshen up, during that time my husband put on music after I got out of the shower we kissed and fondled around we have a small place so the trip to the kitchen was not far for him to make a drink pretty much he added to the one that he was already drinking. So actually he didn't get up from the blowjob to get the drink. As for the assumption of him having an affair... In the past he did cheat years before we married... My suspicion prior to finding out did come from his reaction to his cell phone, he would literally eat, sleep, shower and **** with his phone and that thing was locked, blocked and impossible to crack open for a second of investigation. This was about 8 years ago I never forgot but yet we got through it... However I will not go through it again and he knows it I didn't have time to post our full story that would take days of typing and I just needed to vent some kind of way. I never ever discuss my marital problems with family or friends I found that to be purposeless and creating more problems. It's been 3 days and we haven't discussed the issue I may be acting on impulse by still making accusations but I'm still mad. I don't understand what's going on with him and why he acted the way he did. I may be over reacting and he may not be cheating but my first instinct was "He's cheating" and I learned from the first time always follow your instincts. No I never had any suspicions prior the incident No he does not act the same as the previous affair, if I want to pick up he phone and search it I can but over the years I stopped I suppose from the regain of trust but I'm seriously considering that. Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 As for the assumption of him having an affair... In the past he did cheat years before we married... My suspicion prior to finding out did come from his reaction to his cell phone, he would literally eat, sleep, shower and **** with his phone and that thing was locked, blocked and impossible to crack open for a second of investigation. This was about 8 years ago I never forgot but yet we got through it... -snip- I may be over reacting and he may not be cheating but my first instinct was "He's cheating" and I learned from the first time always follow your instincts. No I never had any suspicions prior the incident No he does not act the same as the previous affair, if I want to pick up he phone and search it I can but over the years I stopped I suppose from the regain of trust but I'm seriously considering that. Always follow your instincts. The fact that he cheated before, does increase the chances that he is cheating now. And, I don't think it is too much of a leap either from changing the music to thinking his hiding something. Did you ask him about his behavior the other night with playing music on his phone? Sigh. These guys never realize that they bring this on themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 28, 2014 Share Posted August 28, 2014 Hmmm... hard one. I wouldn't say he's cheating. If he was, he wouldn't have left his phone unguarded. He would have been more upset that you accessed his phone without permission than of you changing the music. But, something is bothering him. Do not accuse him of cheating anymore. Sit back an watch, keep an eye out for any other strange behavior. Sorry, not enough for me to agree that there's an affair going on here. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 I think that his behavior, especially after just receiving oral sex and probably going to get more, is a bit odd. You could play Alvin and the Chipmunks and I wouldn't care. Did you ever go back and look at the phone, phone bill, facebook, other media? I think you need more information, but I understand your concerns. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 Hmmm... hard one. I wouldn't say he's cheating. If he was, he wouldn't have left his phone unguarded. He would have been more upset that you accessed his phone without permission than of you changing the music. But, something is bothering him. Do not accuse him of cheating anymore. Sit back an watch, keep an eye out for any other strange behavior. Sorry, not enough for me to agree that there's an affair going on here. I agree. There is not enough hear to say that he is cheating and not enough here for you to confront him or make any accusations or to even ask him if he is cheating or not. There may be other things going on behind this such as stress or some other kind of relationship or connection issue. However there is cause for suspicion and cause for a heightened level of vigilance here. This is what is called 'probable cause' in legal circles. If this were Law and Order, no judge would issue an arrest warrant for adultery here due to lack of evidence. However a search warrant to look for that evidence would probably be issued. So I would look at it in those terms. his behavior has not risen to the level of making any accusations or confrontations or for you to behave as if he is cheating. But there is cause here for you to keep your eyes and ears open a little wider. Do some investigating. Look through computer, phone etc. If anything turns up, crank up the investigation to include voice activated recorders etc. It's important not to make any accusations or interrogations etc too soon or all it will accomplish is to make him deny it and then cover his tracks better. You want him to be complacent and sloppy. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 30, 2014 Share Posted August 30, 2014 . After last night I have not talked to him I can't even look at him he makes small talk about things that we must discuss but nothing more I'm so turned off by him right now that I don't even want to be around him. when I got home from work I ate and came to bed just to get away from him. I'm not saying that I want a divorce or anything I'm just in a I'm not so sure mood right now and I'm completely confused as to what I should do or how to feel. I do want to address this as well. Lets assume for a moment your husband is NOT cheating at all. This behavior and demeanor above is in and of itself toxic and damaging to a marriage. If he hasn't committed any fouls and you are acting this way, he will rightfully be suspicious of YOU. If I hadn't done anything wrong and my wife were acting this way and treating me this way, I would assume she was either cheating herself or was becoming very disconnected and disengaged from me. If this goes on unchecked and unaddressed long enough it will damage a relationship just as much as cheating. If it becomes chronic and destructive enough it can even end a marriage. That's why it is important for you to find out one way or another. it's obvious why you need to find out if he is cheating. But it is equally important for you to find out if he is not. and if he is not, you need to get to the bottom of why you two are acting and reacting the way you are and fix it. A marriage cannot survive with ongoing cheating but neither can it survive people acting like this is the absence of cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
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