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Married man's games making me crazy...


thirtysomethingteen

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thirtysomethingteen

This is all very new territory to me and I am very confused. Single men I understand, married men not so much. I am a married woman myself. I have been friends with a very sweet married man for a few months...he has helped me so much in so many ways that have changed my life for the better. He is well off, very successful and has an excellent reputation in the community as a real stand up family man.

 

I have never been alone with him but everytime other people are not in earshot he hits on me like crazy; tells me how hot I am and that he is sexually attracted to me, etc. Then as soon ad there are "witnesses" around he treats me like a completely platonic friend. Now I find myself attracted to him as well and wish he would just quit playing games and tell me what he wants or leave me alone already...

 

Can anyone with insight please comment? If I sound naive it's because I am...I just can't believe the way this guy acts and the things he says and the way he stares at me when others aren't close enough to hear/see...is he trying to start something with me or just playing some effed up game?

 

Thanks in advance.

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Are you wanting validation from us that supports your thinking that banging this guy is a good thing? Does your husband support you, what does he think? Do you have an open marriage or do you have an open marriage but your husband hasn't been told yet?

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He is a real stand up family man?

 

He is trouble.

 

Do not blow up your marriage with an A (affair) bomb.

 

If you are going to cheat, get divorced first.

 

Then play to your hearts content, unless you have children. If you have children, you should take what will happen to them and put them before your feelings.

 

This stand up family man is trouble and only wants you for a side romp.

 

If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

Try to work it out with your H first and if you can't, then get out before you destroy your H's life and yours.

 

The A bomb is a really horrible way to blow up your life.

 

I do hope you find some happiness in your life, but you will not find happiness this way.

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ThatsJustHowIRoll

Hes working you.

 

Hes very experienced at infidelity. He is playing the game. And youre getting sucked right into it: hook, line and sinker. If you step back for a minute you'll see it for what it is....slick, sleazy.

 

Yes its a game, to get you where he wants you so he can conquer you too, chew you up and spit you out.

 

Run, dont walk. What a slime.

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He wants to cheat on his wife with a married woman. Real stand up family guy you got there, destroying two families with one act of infidelity.

 

But of course, it's all hidden behind lies, deceit, and betrayal. That's how he keeps that excellent reputation you mentioned. Or do you suppose those sexual statements he made mean that he loves you and will shout it from the rooftops? Oh wait, you said he hides it all when others are around.

 

You're being groomed to be a side piece. But if anything about the sex with you threatens his carefully constructed world, you'll find yourself under all the wheels of the bus while he lies, denies, and minimizes his relationship with you.

 

Blech. Don't destroy your family over this crap. Go home and tell your husband what really excites you.

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He wants to cheat on his wife with a married woman. Real stand up family guy you got there, destroying two families with one act of infidelity.

 

But of course, it's all hidden behind lies, deceit, and betrayal. That's how he keeps that excellent reputation you mentioned. Or do you suppose those sexual statements he made mean that he loves you and will shout it from the rooftops? Oh wait, you said he hides it all when others are around.

You're being groomed to be a side piece. But if anything about the sex with you threatens his carefully constructed world, you'll find yourself under all the wheels of the bus while he lies, denies, and minimizes his relationship with you.

 

Blech. Don't destroy your family over this crap. Go home and tell your

husband what really excites you.

 

Check to see how many women are around him if you want to know how many other women he's already sleeping with. This isn't his first rodeo, decide if risking your family for this romeo is worth it to you. You can't unf**k yourself once you've stepped over that line. Talk to your husband if you think your marriage is worth saving.

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Oberfeldwebel
Can anyone with insight please comment? If I sound naive it's because I am...I just can't believe the way this guy acts and the things he says and the way he stares at me when others aren't close enough to hear/see...is he trying to start something with me or just playing some effed up game? Thanks in advance.

 

What could it possibly matter what he wanted one way or the other? Unless of course you are the kind of person who wants a relationship with another woman's husband? If no is the answer to my question, then he is not a nice guy, but just some jerk, trying to get in your knickers. Don't wait for him to decide, stand up to him and tell him to behave himself or you will tell his wife.

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In a world of generalizations at least for the context at hand... I read so many times how shallow men can be in having an affair, just for sex... as if it's "so shallow and lacks emotion."

 

Then we have:

 

tells me how hot I am and that he is sexually attracted to me, etc

 

OP, help me out... if the above is not just as shallow and lacking emotion... perhaps then it is already too late...

 

With so much flattery for a man known for only a few months with such life changing powers, success, great reputation and a stand up family man... forgive me for mistakenly thinking we were talking about your husband.

 

.is he trying to start something with me or just playing some effed up game?

 

yes.. perhaps it is already too late. this question (using an analogy) reminds me of one stopped at a stop sign on an unfamiliar street and loves what they see in front of them; however, they are not sure because it may turn out to be for not but would be happy to proceed if only....

 

the tragedy as with the question is that this person has already forgotten about what was behind them.

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You say you're a married woman, and yet you appear to be ready to jump into an affair with this guy if he'd just let you know what he wants. Your marriage not sufficient for you? Are you and your hubby getting along, or are you bored and looking for a little "action?" Are you ready for the explosions that will take place when you fall for this guy's bs and hubby discovers what you've done? Have kids? How will they react to your fall. Be very, very careful and think twice about this before it's too late. Is losing your family worth a little "excitement?"

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I have been friends with a very sweet married man for a few months...he has helped me so much in so many ways that have changed my life for the better.

Uses his influence as a seduction tool. Nice.

 

He is well off, very successful....

No doubt.

 

....and has an excellent reputation in the community as a real stand up family man.

Pardon the levity, but does this mean he never commits adultery while lying down?

 

Can anyone with insight please comment?

You've had plenty of insight from people with far more experience that you have. (Yes, you are naïve.) You can see we're basically unanimous in understanding his nature and what he's trying to accomplish with you. So......

Don't be alone with him ever again...that way he won't be able to pester you with the loathsome attentions that you have found so unsettling and that do risk your happiness and your family.

 

And if he does try to catch you alone and start the banter, just let him know you've got a VAR in your pocket or purse and to lean in closer to the mike so you can make sure his wife and family and community contacts all hear the truth. (You don't actually have to have a VAR; just make him think you might.)

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thirtysomethingteen

Thanks everyone for the replies, they are much appreciated. I'll respond to the different things y'all have asked in point form for the sake of brevity:

 

- No my husband and I do not have an open marriage. He has been unfaithful to me in the past (and I know 2 wrongs don't make a right) so I suggested an open marriage because I have doubts about *anyone's* ability to be completely monogamous for life, but he refused (after already getting to sow his wild oats witb 2-3 other women).

 

- No I don't have any kids (this other man does though).

 

- No I haven't told my husband about the other guy. I came close to telling him last night but couldn't bring myself to betray the other guy by tattling on him like that...I know how twisted that sounds, but he has really done so much to help me and has been such a great friend in some ways.

 

Also, another thing that is odd (or maybe not so much) is that he behaves this same way in front of me in front of 2 of his (male) employees who are also his friends, so I guess he trusts them not to spill the beans? It is just strange.

 

Anyway, please keep the feedback coming...I know this guy sounds sleazy and I just sound dumb but everyone who knows him IRL thinks he is just the greatest guy ever...even my best friend (though she doesn't know about him hitting on me).

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Find a new job!

 

Seriously, this will get very ugly and very painful if you stay working there.

 

He does it in front of his "friends" because he wants them to see his new target - and conquest.

 

Don't be "that gal". Let him move on and use someone else.

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Oh yeah, he's a "great guy!" You used the word "sleazy" and that describes him to a T. What kind of a great guy sneaks around on his wife by seeking an affair with another woman? Everybody thinks he's wonderful, but apparently they don't know the "real" guy behind the mask of fidelity. He's only a common, everyday cheater. Nothin' special about him.

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Bringing a third person into your marriage is a proven recipe for disaster. Stepping over that line is a conscious decision. Deciding to repair the damage in your marriage or deciding to end it should be your priority. Becoming another piece on the side for a player will not give you the fulfillment your looking for. Be forewarned, he will share his conquest with the other men, it won't be long before your the talk of this years Xmas party.

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Michelle ma Belle

I think the better question here is what do YOU want from this guy?

 

You don't have to be a genius to figure out what HE wants for heaven's sake.

 

You just have to decide if you want to fall down the rabbit hole or not.

 

Personally, he sounds like a two-faced douche bag.

 

Best of luck to the both of you...you're gonna need it.

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- No my husband and I do not have an open marriage. He has been unfaithful to me in the past (and I know 2 wrongs don't make a right) so I suggested an open marriage because I have doubts about *anyone's* ability to be completely monogamous for life,

 

with the above said, forgive me for saying that your marriage is like a ship which is listing and needs to be righted... before anything, it sounds like you have rug swept his infidelity.. a marriage will not stand with anything that is rug swept.. you need to resolve the above stated issues.

 

basically this other guy should not even be in the picture or the discussion no matter what kind of guy he is... although based upon your writings and what i have stated before... you already seem to be quite taken by him

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It amazes me that all it takes for a married gal - is a guy to say a few kind words for her to consider opening her legs...

 

Where is your integrity?

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Also, another thing that is odd (or maybe not so much) is that he behaves this same way in front of me in front of 2 of his (male) employees who are also his friends, so I guess he trusts them not to spill the beans? It is just strange.

 

:eek: so now not does he only say what many would consider to be totally inappropriate and unprofessional things to you when you are on your own, he also says them in front of others? He has no respect for you and just sees you as his next sexual conquest. He has obviously done this before if he feels confident enough to talk to you like this in front of colleagues. They are all probably having a "lovely" chat about you behind your back. Does your marriage or workplace reputation mean nothing to you?

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....Also, another thing that is odd (or maybe not so much) is that he behaves this same way in front of me in front of 2 of his (male) employees who are also his friends, so I guess he trusts them not to spill the beans? It is just strange.

 

Or maybe he likes to "share his conquests" in more than one way and is letting them know you will likely soon be in the game ... 4-some, anyone? Possibly the Good Ol' Boy Network in action here.

 

Just food for thought.

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gettingstronger

Please read the OW board in addition to this one- lots of cautionary tales and lots of people that wish they would have never gone down the path you are considering-

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Michelle ma Belle
It amazes me that all it takes for a married gal - is a guy to say a few kind words for her to consider opening her legs...

 

Where is your integrity?

 

Agreed but it goes both ways my friend. Married men aren't exactly immune to a little flattery that has them unzipping their trousers for a visit to seven minutes in heaven :p:eek::o:)

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thirtysomethingteen
with the above said, forgive me for saying that your marriage is like a ship which is listing and needs to be righted... before anything, it sounds like you have rug swept his infidelity.. a marriage will not stand with anything that is rug swept.. you need to resolve the above stated issues.

 

basically this other guy should not even be in the picture or the discussion no matter what kind of guy he is... although based upon your writings and what i have stated before... you already seem to be quite taken by him

 

^^This here is pretty much what my shrink says (yes I see a shrink because yes I know I am messed up). Except it is my husband who is the "rug sweeper" NOT me. When I caught on to his infidelities and he begged me not to chuck his a$$ out I told him - on many occasions - that while I would not go out and sleep with just anyone to get back at him, someday I might meet someone who tempted me and then I wouldn't feel bad about going for it. My husband is the one who chose to stick his head in the sand and pretend that I didn't really mean it.

 

To the people who told me to quit my job, I did months ago, and thank god for that as I would hate to be dealing with this at work. Thankfully I did not develop these feelings until after I had left. Ironically it was thinking back to what his reaction was when I quit that made me think that he might like me as well. And then everything just escalated from there with it becoming more and more obvious.

 

The "sexual comments" are a recent development and prior to them I wasn't even sure (though I suspected) that he was even attracted to me in that way. It started out as an emotional connection (I guess these things always do). Although he doesn't know this and I would never tell him, his help pretty much saved my life...like I was slowly drowning and no one noticed for ages and he appeared from nowhere and tossed me a life preserver.

 

In regards to these 2 employees they are his subordinates and new friends as well. Like with me he has helped them out a ton and they look up to him a great deal. I almost feel like this is some sort of "friendship test" between him and them where he wants to see if he can trust them with something no one else knows. For the record both of these guys are very nice to me (and NOT flirty!).

 

I will definitely check out the OW thread; thanks for that suggestion. I also get what is being said about integrity, but I get sick of the double standard: I am expected to have integrity, but my husband and this other man are not.

 

Again, THANK YOU to everyone who has taken the time to respond - it may not seem like it, but you really are helping me.

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whichwayisup

He is using you for an ego feed. And he knows you're into him now so the games will continue for as long as you play along.

 

It isn't flattering what he's doing to you. He has no respect for you because you've not told him to STOP and leave you alone. My guess is, you like the attention and it makes you feel good.

 

If you want it to stop, then walk away and ignore him when he flirts with you sexually. If you keep on accepting his sexual comments, eventually you two WILL be the office gossip and your own reputation will be at risk.

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