Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Hello, I've been reading several threads here and I decided I would post my own to get input. I've been married for almost 3 years, been with my husband for 6 years. I'm 31 and he's 37, we have no children. It's the first marriage for both of us. The issue is that our sex life has been practically non existent for years. Lack of sex has been an issue all along, but it's gotten worse and worse over time. I've talked to him about it multiple times. At times we've had long, deep conversations about it, other times I'll just mention it off hand. I never insult him in any way about it because I know that would make it worse. He will usually tell me it's because he is tired. I am 99% sure he is not having an affair. We share the same Apple ID and same passwords for all our emails and such. He never tries to hide his phone or anything and we spend all out time together when he's not at work. We are best friends, we have fun together, go on trips and share many interests. We have intimacy in the way that we can talk to each other about anything and cuddle, hug, kiss (pecks), say I love you all the time. I do love him and I really do believe he loves me. I just long for more sex with him. So the next issue is that my ex recently emailed me after 4 years of not hearing from him. He was hurt because I actually left him for my husband. Over the past month it went from emailing my ex to texting and talking on the phone to hanging out with him. My husband knows about it, just not the volume of it. My ex has expressed that he still has feelings for me after spending time with me again and I told him I felt the same. I am still attracted to my ex and have been thinking about being with him again. I am so nervous about this because I know if I cross that line, there is no going back. I love my husband very much and do not want to hurt him, but I feel like I'm too young to go without sex for the rest of my life. Please share any advice you have. Thank you. If you want more info on the situation, just ask. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Do not have an affair. Sit your husband whom you claim to love down & talk about your issues. Get marriage counseling. Remember your vows. Fight to save your marriage. If you can't or he won't, get a divorce then go have all the sex you want but no have an affair. An affair is a de facto divorce before the fact with a knife in the other person's heart. Don't do it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugar Magnolia Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Don't go there, bad, bad idea. The thrill off it will wear off, the damage done will not.. good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Frankly, a little more clarification on your part is needed for the best advice. How often are you actually having sex? Once a week? Twice a month? Once every six months? Are you not having sex at all or is there still some 'fooling around' on either end? In all the long talks you've had, what explanation has he given for his lack of sexual interest? Is he watching porn and masturbating often but just not having sex or does he seem to have zero sex drive whatsoever? That said, based on what information you have, I'd suggest you tell your husband that however much you may love him, if you do not start having more sex, you'd like to consider having an open relationship or a period of time in which you (both) are free to seek sexual relationships with others because YOU (personally) are not feeling sexually satisfied. Let him know how serious this issue really is for you. All the intimacy, deep conversation and "cuddles" in the world cannot come close to substituting real live sex, however what you absolutely should not do is have an affair. You haven't even begun to exhaust all your options so to cheat would not only be disgusting and low, but also lazy and selfish. What gives you the right to have someone on the side? Sorry, but having a (near?) sexless marriage doesn't give you a greenlight to cheat but still reap the benefits of an "exclusive" partnership. If you really want to have sex with someone else AND your husband neither makes more of an effort sexually NOR agrees to an open relationship then it may be time to consider a separation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 I thinking its just a cheater at heart looking to justify what she is about to do. She cheated on the ex with her husband thus the I left him for my husband comment. Now she is about to cheat on the husband with the ex. OP how does this fix anything? Does banging another guy make your husband want more sex? How is it going to improve your marriage? What would you like to have happen? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 I know you all are right. I shouldn't have an affair. I know it, Its just hard feeling unwanted this way. Ladyluck, you are right. Never say never. That's why I say, 99%. I am able to talk to my ex because I'm actually not hiding everything. He knows I text my ex and sometimes asks to see my phone, but I always delete anything that would seem bad. Also, I don't work, so I have had time to hang out with my ex some while my H is at work. But that is difficult as well because of the Find My IPhone feature. I have asked him if there is someone else or if he has feelings for someone else. He said no. He says that he feels tired all the time and feels unattractive. He is about 50 pounds overweight and has a belly, but I've never made him feel bad about it or told him to lose weight. I am attracted to him regardless. And I tell him so. I will definitely mention the low T possibility. Lernaean, we do not have sex at all. No fooling around either. We used to drink in the past and that was about the only time we ever had sex. We had sex on our last anniversary which was last November. He told me in our longer conversations that he use to look at porn before we moved in together but not anymore. If he master bates, it's in the shower and I don't know about it. I have suggested an open relationship, he said definitely no to that. I have asked him if he is no longer attracted to me and he said that he still is. I am not trying to toot my own horn, but I haven't let myself go in any way, so I don't really think that is an issue. I really just don't know. He has told be before in our longer conversations that when he was a boy and young man, he felt very insecure sexually. He felt very unattractive. He is a handsome man now, but he has red hair and freckles and I think kids teased him. Ours is his only long term relationship, before me he didn't have many and they were short lived. He also told me once long ago that before me, he could count on his hands how many times he had had sex in total. I've always reassured him and tried to talk with him about his feelings, but nothing ever changes. In the last year, I've really kind of given up on it. I guess that's why I was considering an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 DKT3, I'm not just looking for a justification to cheat. I feel guilty for even thinking of it. I just have felt hopeless that things will ever get better with my husband. Also, I didn't cheat on my ex with my husband. But i did meet my husband when I was still with my ex but we broke things off before I started dating my husband. What would I like to have happen? I would like to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband, which I have expressed to him many times. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Don't think that it is fair for you to go without sex, your husband has to agree to counseling and see a doctor for medical solutions. If he is unwilling, then you should not feel guilty about leaving and pursuing other relationships. Also there is a reason your ex is your ex, don't fool yourself. Bottom line: finish one relationship before starting another. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Jessicune, I am a BH who is currently dealing with a WW who has hooked up with an ex BF. The end result is likely to be a divorce since our window for R is quickly narrowing (I have run out of patience and even if the WW has a change of heart, it is probably too late now.) First of all, there is no way someone is not going to get hurt. Things have gone beyond that point. In all likelihood all three of you (you, your ex and your husband) are going to get hurt if you have the affair with your ex. If you start an affair with your ex, things will get less clear, not clearer. Like the other posters my recommendation is to come to a decision on your marriage. Either work to fix it or get out of it. If you get out of it, then pursue your relationship with the ex. If you start an affair with the ex now (and you are already in an EA whether you want to admit it or not), you will have created a situation where in the near future you will have to choose either the husband or the ex. If your situation plays out like most other affairs, you will not be able to be in a relationship with one and friends with the other. It usually does not work out that way. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 (edited) The problem with cheating is that it completely changes things. While you could currently leave your marriage guilt-free, it won't be that way if you cheat. It throws in a whole new set of problems. Also, it will screw up the relationship with your ex. He will always wonder, from that point on, if you will cheat on him, too. Ultimately, the affair will diminish you and no one else. The best thing to do in this situation is to leave your marriage. I know you think your husband is your buddy and all that but the truth is, he's nothing more than passive-aggressive, and this marriage is driving you into the ground emotionally. Your husband doesn't seem to be overly concerned about how this is affecting the marriage, except for the occasional conversation about it when you bring it up. Sorry, that's just lazy. He probably just isn't marriage material. If it were me, I'd leave the marriage, find a job, and then start dating the ex. Edited August 23, 2014 by bathtub-row 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Ahhhhhhhh, these exes! The best friends of your marriages. If my wife was texting her worthless ex, or having any form of communication with him or any of her former lovers (met before I came along I'd hasten to add) it would be world war III. I wouldn't put up with it for one moment, and I just don't understand how your husband deals with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Focus on fixing your marriage and GO TO counseling with your husband. Cheating is the not the answer, if anything it'll just mess you up and complicate your life and most of all you'll be going against your wedding vows, intentionally and betraying/hurting your husband. That's just pure selfishness on your behalf. Tell your husband that you need to have intimacy with him in the bed, aka SEX and be up front and honest with him! That either you two get busy in bed together again like it used to be when you got married, or 1) you can discuss an open marriage with him, this way you both can get your needs met elsewhere, 2)divorce him. Tell him how unhappy you are and how you're considering an affair. THAT might wake him up. STOP the flirting and texting with the ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 DKT3, I'm not just looking for a justification to cheat. I feel guilty for even thinking of it. I just have felt hopeless that things will ever get better with my husband. Also, I didn't cheat on my ex with my husband. But i did meet my husband when I was still with my ex but we broke things off before I started dating my husband. What would I like to have happen? I would like to have a healthy sexual relationship with my husband, which I have expressed to him many times. I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Then you tell him that if things don't change in the bedroom then it's time to divorce. That you are not going to be in a sexless marriage forever. If he still chooses not to have sex with you, then leave him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Ahhhhhhhh, these exes! The best friends of your marriages. If my wife was texting her worthless ex, or having any form of communication with him or any of her former lovers (met before I came along I'd hasten to add) it would be world war III. I wouldn't put up with it for one moment, and I just don't understand how your husband deals with it. He deals with it because, unlike how you love your wife and value your marriage, her husband does not. His behavior says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. I will definitely not have an affair. It looks like I need to prepare for a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Even though it will be difficult for both of you (and very hurtful for him) I don't believe you'll ever be sorry you took the high road. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Since your husband is very insecure and doesn't feel attractive or sexy, has he ever considered counseling on his own to help him gain confidence? It just a shame to throw away a marriage because things aren't great in the bedroom. Seems you two have an OK marriage outside of that realm. Talk to him and just be honest. Are you still in love with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Yes, I'm still in love with him. If he would be willing to get help, I would certainly stay. I will ask him about it, I just don't have a lot of hope that there would be any real follow through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 He needs a good swift lick in the arse. I am amazed how people will continue to use "I'm tired" as an excuse and do nothing about it. He has classic symptoms of 3 problems: low thyroid, low vitamin D and Low testosterone. He needs to go to the doctor and if chooses not to go then you have the right to complain and put on the table that the future of the marriage is in jeopardy as you are not willing to be in a sexless marriage under these circumstances. An no, having an affair is NOT ever an option. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RegretfulAlways Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Jessicune, I just want to say I feel for you. I am in a sexless marriage too. I'm fairly confident it's why I started my EA several months ago. I'm in a pseudo NC mode right and I'll admit it, it is really hard. My husband is a recovered alcoholic and currently on medication for depression. Needless to say the sex is nonexistent. Sounds very similar to your situation in that we've talked about it to varying degrees of detail, but it always comes down to he's too tired or stressed. I suggested we both go on viagra (at the suggestion of my psychiatrist) so that it didn't seem like it was all his problem, and yet he got really offended. We've probably only had sex 4-5 times in the past year. It feels to me like too shallow of a reason to get a divorce when all the other pieces line up, more or less, but at the same time, it sucks. And it doesn't make the temptation any easier with the xAP... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redtail Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. I will definitely not have an affair. It looks like I need to prepare for a divorce. This is probably, in the long run, your best course of action. Love isn't always enough to make a marriage survive, as you are discovering. Best of luck to you. Also, reconsider sex with the ex. I mean, your ex, really? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Actually you are already having an affair, it just hasnt gone physical yet. Before you make it physical, make sure your mariage is over, and I dont mean "symbolically". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 I just talked with my husband and told him I had been considering sleeping with my ex, and that I would not be contacting him again. I apologized and I told him that i wanted to work on our problems and he said he wanted to as well. He said that he had feared that I would reject him sexually because I might think it was insincere after so much time had passed. He apologized for abandoning me in that way and asked me to forgive him. I told him that I did. Part of me feels like this is just another excuse and empty promise, but I've got to give it another chance. Thank you all again for helping me see things clearly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Regretful, I feel for you too. It is a very empty feeling. Especially when it seems like the other person doesn't really care. I hope the best for you in your situation too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessicune Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 Allumere, thank you. I will suggest he go to the doctor. Link to post Share on other sites
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