I cheated on my husband

[Letitsnow]

I wrote on this forum before and received great advice. However, I was asking about another man while being married to someone else. It was something I was not brave enough to say and face your harsh comments. I understand that after reading this I will get what I deserve and I do not blame you. My husband did not make me cheat on him. It was my inability to deal with all of our problems before all of it happened. It was my fault; my selfishness.

 

Long story short. I married my husband at very young age. He was my first and only boyfriend. I did not even kiss anyone before. Year after year, our marriage was getting worse from emotional to physical abuse. My husband and I lost respect for each other. I was not even 30 and felt lost and lonely. When I told my husband how I felt, he always laughed and said that I do have problem in my head, because he is happy with our marriage. I still remember his sarcastic laugh. I asked for going into therapy, he laughed again.

 

When I met a man I was talking about on this forum; everything seemed so messy even though my husband and I were trying to do better.

This other man was very sweet through his messages. I told him right away I was married, but our conversations did not stop. I liked his attention, his sweet words. I did not think how much I can hurt my husband with my actions. After some time, I met him in person. I was very much attracted to him. He kissed me after very short time, but when he pulled his ... out, I simply left. One would think, that normal married person would never meet him or never come back. I did.

 

I told him I can't sleep with him, but I loved his company. I overlooked everything from pulling his ... out on each date to playful slapping my face. Each time we met he was trying to push for sex which actually happened after 5th date. He said my "stop" was not loud enough.

Looking back, I was falling for him besides being naive and very selfish. I cared for him and all I could think of was him.

This guy said he wants to marry me before actually knowing me. How naive can you be not to see it like a red flag?

How naive can you be not to see it when someone tells you how much they miss you while asking for sexy pictures over and over again even though your refused before? How naive you have to be when someone texts you they love you before even dating you?

Each time when I felt something was wrong, I did opposite of what part of me wanted to do.

After sex, all of his texting stopped for about 3 months. I tried to forget him, but never really did. Then he started to text again with compliments, miss yous. And again - I was happy.

I asked myself many times that if he misses me so much, why he won't stay in touch? Why his messages are 3 words long?

 

Ten months passed and he was back in his town. He said he wants to see me very much. I asked him if sex was not involved, if he wanted to see me...He said yes but then added that he likes sex and it makes him sad that I want to be his friend only. He also said he loves me but he knows he will never get a chance to be with me.

Last time we met, he was talking about our future, how he wants to have kids with me. He said girls are stupid, but I am different...He was just like always-charming while pushing for sex. I refused. He told me he does not know what I want from him. He said I don't want sex, I don't want or can't date him.

 

I honestly don't get myself. What am I doing? Why am I this terribly selfish and unfair towards my husband? He does not deserve this.

Then I also wonder why can't I let go of this other man? He texts once in a while stuff like...I am sad without you..but when I reply, he won't. He keeps saying he misses me...then won't talk again.

Maybe this whole time, I was just paranoid about this OM. Maybe he was not playing games and I just don't understand point of his view. Who knows. Maybe I am the bad guy after all.

I want to let go of him even though I do have feelings for him. I do not want to hurt my husband anymore. I wish everything what happened between me and this other man would never happened. But it's too late now. What would you do?

Edited August 21, 2014 by Letitsnow

[No Limit]

Divorce, or tell your husband and let him decide.

[ja123]

I told him I can't sleep with him, but I loved his company. I overlooked everything from pulling his ... out on each date to playful slapping my face.

 

 

I think the bolded might be the most telling phrase of your post.

 

 

You probably have also overlooked everything with your husband, too, up until his antics and more important the consequent dissipation your denial couldn't distract you from your own void. So, you were looking for the next "fix", even if unconsciously. You let it happen instead of looking within to fill your void more constructively.

 

 

You are starting to come clean with yourself by posting here and admitting that you couldn't previously say that you were married and having an affair in previous posts, so that's a really big important step you've just taken. Congratulations!

 

 

You could read about codependency, join group therapy for those who've lived through abuse, or get a counselor.

 

 

I'm not sure whether your marriage is salvageable, if your husband dismisses you with sarcasm and isn't willing to meet you halfway to work on his own issues and improving the relationship.

 

 

The only place you can start, however, is with you.

 

 

Now that I'm writing this, though, I'd advise you not to tell your husband about the affair as I think that you need to evaluate the viability of the relationship and your life goals going forward. In short, you need to get to know YOU better, and telling him will obfuscate your individual issues and make this about him by putting the onus solely on you to make it up to him.

 

 

The last thing you need is to give away more of your power; in fact, you need to start getting some power for yourself, building your resources (emotional, spiritual, financial, etc.) and giving yourself options so you can make better decisions and don't feel trapped.

 

 

I wouldn't necessarily say this about every couple or affair situation, but I'm getting this strong sense that you shouldn't tell him until you know more about what you want and need, given your history of abuse with your husband (and the also with the new man!).

 

 

I'd really advise that you find a counselor/therapist to discuss these issues on your own.

 

 

Do this for you! Don't allow your husband to bully you or shame you into not getting individual therapy. Don't even tell him that, if need be. But otherwise, don't go into details as to why you're seeking therapy.

 

 

Book recommendations:

 

 

"Emotional Blackmail" by Susan Forward

"Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie

"Boundaries" by Henry Cloud

 

 

You might also want to google "how to identify your core values" and "how to identify your needs and get them met" or a "needs inventory list", as another starting place.

 

 

Also, do not engage in any contact with your affair partner (or any new men). Go completely no contact.

 

 

Start taking really good care of yourself: sleep, exercise, nutrition, and activities that make you happy. Put some private cash aside to build an escape fund. Reach out to trusted friends/family, if you have anybody. You need to have options and resources.

 

 

Best wishes

[JS84]

You do realized that guy is playing you like a Fischer-Price fiddle right??? Please re-read what you wrote until it sinks in. I mean REALLY sinks in.

 

As for your husband I recommend figuring out a way to tell him what you've done. After cutting off contact with your OM. Individual therapy probably couldn't hurt either.

[Friskyone4u]

Totally disagree with not telling your husband. You are obviously not feeling great about what you are doing and when he finds out, and he will, it will be worse. It is obvious you recognize this OM is using you as a sperm depository and he is not going to marry you.

You are leading a double life and it will catch up with you. You do need to decide if you want to be married to your husband, but don't you think he deserves the right to also decide that after what you have done.

Right now, you are feeling guilty, you know you are being used, and you are just looking for people to tell you it's OK to keep having sex with other men.

Either end your affair or end your marriage or you will not find peace

[Amy_D]

After some time, I met him in person. I was very much attracted to him. He kissed me after very short time, but when he pulled his ... out, I simply left. One would think, that normal married person would never meet him or never come back. I did.

 

 

OK. So you meet this guy in person for the first time and he pulls his penis out. I'm guessing you met him @ a hotel or something I'm doubting he pulled it out in Starbucks. Whatever. Obviously when he did that a red flag waved in your head and you felt uncomfortable and left. That is your gut guiding you. This is a creepy guy taking advantage of a lonely married woman. He's what my husband refers to as a "bottom feeder." I'm sorry your lonely. Most people are. What do you feel is missing in your marriage?

Edited August 21, 2014 by Amy_D

[stillafool]

You said your husband treats you bad but this guy treats you even worse. Why do you not mind the bad treatment from the OM but not your husband?

 

Your choice is simple. Divorce!

 

Please stop blaming your behavior on being naive. You are not. You make the choices of what you want to do.

[Zahara]

I've followed you when you posted about this other guy.

 

Hun, your self-worth is down the crapper. You've tolerated a husband that emotionally and physically abused you. You've tolerated a man that treats you like an object. Sadly, ill treatment is all you know and you keep doing what's familiar to you.

 

You hold on to OM because you want to be loved. You want to be validated. You seek these things from him because you don't love yourself and you see nothing of value within yourself. So, the little bit of attention you get from some man, you crave and drown in it. Bad attention is still attention and you'll take what you can get. There is no love because rationally, any woman isn't going to love a man that she knows is only out for sex and treats her like an object. What's there to love about a man like that? On first few dates I believe, he pulled out his dick in the car. Any woman would have been repulsed especially since he's a complete stranger. But somehow that didn't affect you, you attached to him. No bells going off in your head. No sense of self-respect. Your "love" and your "feelings" are skewed.

 

This OM can say every word in the book to humiliate you as a woman and he can do every thing in the book to devalue you as woman, and in all of that utter one little thing that makes you feel wanted and you'll dismiss it all and hone in on that one little thing because you so desire to mean something to him, to someone, to feel loved, to feel wanted. The only game going on is in your head. Everyone else on the outside that has followed your threads about OM have told you time and time again he's a slimey douchebag. If a man treated your daughter this way, what would you say? Apply that to yourself.

 

I think you should come clean with your husband. That may kick you in the arse and set the boundary to quit talking to OM. Depending on what your husband says, you can either work on your marriage and yourself or you can move on from both men and make a new life for yourself.

Edited August 21, 2014 by Zahara

[Clay]

Tell your Husband. Then file for divorce and get yourself into counseling.

Don't entertain staying married. You clearly have serious issues you need to deal with before you can be in any kind of a meaningful committed relationship.

[smackie9]

You are unhappy in your marriage, emotionally empty, your husband won't seek counseling........harden up and get a divorce.

 

Second, stay away from the OM. He is a wolf in sheep's clothing. What kind of character trait has he when it's a man that is willing to sleep with another man's wife? He is as slimy as it gets. Anything looks good on the menu when you are starving. You need to keep your desperation in check or you will end up with another manipulative jerk.

Time to break the cycle, get some counseling for yourself to work through your fear of the unknown when you finally leave your husband.

[FoolishMan]

OP, I feel really sad for your situation concerning your husband. He is definitely living in denial if he does not acknowledge that you are not happy and content in the marriage.

 

I am also very sorry to hear that you have met this other man! Lets not beat around the bush, this guy is a total SCUM BAG!! He is capitalizing on your vulnerability and you should cut contact with him and run for the hills! All he wants is sex and I would say that you are not the only woman in his little black book of contacts.

 

I hope things improve for you. I am sure they will but initially, you need to make some hard decisions. Good luck!

[Dork Vader]

You need to see a therapist ASAP.

 

It is only a matter of time before your husband figures out you've cheated. If he doesn't already know.

 

You're going to end up with out a husband or at the very best a damaged marriage. You also wont have this other man. His motives are VERY clear.

 

If you continue the way you are you're going to end up left with nothing.

[ja123]

If the husband has been physically abusive, then I'd say that's reason enough to withhold the information about the affair at least until you get some counseling, OP.

 

 

Perhaps the husband would go berserk and put the OP in hospital or worse.

[harrybrown]

You need to get away and stay away from this jerk.

 

Change your number, go NC with the OM.

 

did you use a condom? Have you been tested for stds?

 

This OM is nothing but bad news.

 

Tell your H. If the roles were reversed, you would want to know.

 

This is a mess, but you can change it. Go see a counselor.

[aliveagain]

You need to tell your husband the truth that you have been having an emotional and physical affair with O/M for over a year. How can you try and make your marriage better when your keeping that big a secret from your husband? You can only control your actions so start by getting yourself into independent counselling with someone experienced with infidelity. Bringing a third person into an already damaged relationship is never a good idea because you just multiplied your problems, one of them needs to go. You need to decide if your marriage is worth fixing but unless you tell your husband how bad things have gotten he will never know just how unhappy you are. He might surprise you. If you are concerned about his reaction, tell him in a public place but tell him.

[bubbaganoosh]

I got a serious problem with this. You meet this guy for a date and he kisses you then unzips his pants and exposes himself to you on the first date and you actually met him again?

 

Then when you had sex, he said that you didn't say "stop" loud enough?

 

I can't speak for any other guy on this forum or anywhere for all that matters but if I here her say "stop", it doesn't matter if she whispers in my eat or uses a bull horn, I stop. If I don't and continue, I just raped.

 

If this isn't bad enough, you go back for more. Now you say your husband doesn't treat you well and now you get mixed up with a guy who found himself a "patsy" to use as he will.

 

You got yourself a real problem and my advice is to get some real serious professional help and I would prepare my self for when your husband finds out. Maybe not today or tomorrow but he will find out and then you'll find yourself jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

 

My advice, confess to your husband and hold on for a bumpy ride and get yourself some help.

[ForeverTainted]

You say your marriage became physically abusive. You are him? Does he lost it and become physical even a little when angry?

 

If yes than please ignore all suggestions to tell him even in a public place. These are well meaning posts but because you cheated they care little about you and can only think of your husband. Honestly, if your H is physically abusive and your om verbally you have some serious issues to work on. Away from both men and all men for a while. And if you husband is physically abusive I don't care one whit about him knowing you cheated. I only care that you made a terrible situation just that much more dangerous and bad. Get out now. Don't confess to your husband. If he has used you as a punching bag this would just make him totally lose it. And really, a person who raises their hand to their spouse isn't entitled to any honesty. No, cheating was a bad idea not because he didn't deserve it but because it has caused you more harm and self hatred. Because believe it or not there are people that will view your affair as worse than him banging you around. Including him.

 

Now if you are the abuser you should confess the affair and get yourself into counselling. Intensive therapy and perhaps a psyc analisis.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Wow there are some serious issue here, both with the marriage and the affair. I am not convinced that either relationship is worth saving. However, it is always a good idea to finish one relationship before beginning another, so just get ride of the affair relationship. He is around when it is convenient, this may be do to other dalliances that he is carrying on with others. He is a player, don't let him play you again.

 

As for the marriage, there has to be a return to truth and honesty. It is a hard thing to do and may be more than you two can handle, but I believe that is where you have to start. At the very least it restores integrity to yourself. There are a couple of things that are die on the sword issues for me: 1). No one gets to physical abuse you...ever and 2). Honesty, if you can't believe what a person is saying, then there is no need to talk to them. We all must take responsibility for our mistakes, you for the affair and your husband for his complete refusal to work on the relationship. Should you find that the relationship will not work, then take care of the legal issues and move on with your life. I really don't see OM as a viable mate under any circumstances.

[James-London]

people on here can be very moralistic about how your H has the "right to know the truth". They are probably right, but it is also a very difficult thing to do. Only you can decide how (or even if) you want to tell him.

 

However, what is obvious is that you married the wrong man. You need to leave your husband, not so much because you cheated on him, but because he is not what you want. If you doubt this, then try going on holiday with your husband or telling him that you are really unhappy and seeing how he responds. My guess is that you will conclude that he is not what you want.

 

It is also pretty obvious you have big feelings for this OM. So - after you have left your husband, try dating this guy. See if how serious he is about you or if he just wants sex. Unless you are free to date him, you will never know... And you can't really do that while you are married.

 

My guess is - and other people say this above too - is that both of these guys are not what you need. Your self-esteem could do with some work and then you will find a great guy who will treat you right.

 

best of luck.

[Letitsnow]

Thank you for your advices...To answer some of your questions here are some details.

 

 

About emotional/physical abuse.

 

I did a lot of search to find my core problems. As I was told, many of them are coming from my childhood. My dad was and still is the alcoholic and my mom is pretty much doormat not just to him, but to my siblings. I can’t stand the way they treat her, but it is also her fault for letting them and staying in her marriage. I can see it now.Still - this is not excuse for what I did.

 

 

My husband and I did lots of mistakes. We could handle situation differently, but we didn’t. Looking back, he was always telling me how to do things and when. He questioned my ways and since I did not trust myself enough, I liked that leader- treatment from him.

 

However, when he started to criticize me on a daily basis and put me down in front of another people, I could not handle it anymore. His dad was doing exactly same things to his mom and my H hated when he did it to her and to all of them.

 

 

 

Shortly after the wedding, we got into a big fight; I took my wedding band and throw it on the floor. Very disrespectful and I should not done it. He pushed me to the floor, sat on my back and told me to put that ring back on my finger. I didn’t want to, but then I gave up.

 

 

 

To be honest, I always felt that his actions were my fault and I simply provoked him to react the way he did. There were times when I did not feel that way though. We were in a store and I wanted to buy something cheap. He said no and grabbed me by back of my neck. This made me cry and felt as if I was nobody. He apologized later on. One time I wanted to save a kitten from middle of the country road because it was so little and helpless. He did not let me. He screamed like crazy in car and asked me if he should slap some sense into me with a computer keyboard he was just holding in his hand. Some days he found funny to jump on car’s break so I would hit my head. And these are just moments that stacked in my head for years.

 

When we got into our fights, I called him names which he hated. Sometimes I pushed him away from me because I could not stand when he was close to me while arguing. He grabbed me or slapped my cheeks. I remember slapping him too after some hurtful things he told me. And this is why I know that part of it was my fault. I should not call him names at the first place or push him. We both lost respect for each other.

 

 

 

Later on, I became depressed and was seeing a therapist for about a year. I felt very lonely and miserable. She helped me a lot back then. About two years ago, I started to go into marriage counseling. First on my own, then my husband agreed to go. He did not like it much because he thought that therapists are for “crazy” people only. However, we both realized our faults and how to treat each other better.

 

I did not call my husband names any longer, but he still did even front of our close friends. He did not mind to put me down or get angry and loud for a little things. He worked on it and it stopped. He now knows that if he physically touches me again, I would leave. My counselor made this clear to him. However, double standards are still there.

 

 

I am still seeing this counselor on my own for about a year now. I told him about OM and he advised me not to tell my H. He told me to figure out what I want. He told me that with OM, I am just going against a closed door and slapping my head every single time I reply to his text or anything else. He told me to let go.

 

When OM stopped talking to me for about 3 months, I thought I can finally let go, forget him and move on. I was feeling better until I received message from him. Then all those feelings were back… He contacted me later on saying he is coming home and wants to see me. He even said he loves me and don’t want to hide it anymore. My first thought was – are you kidding me??? There is no way. Then this thought went away with more texts from him. I don’t know if this is happening because I always thought that attractive man like him would never really wants a woman like me, I don’t know. I always had this terrible feeling that no one would love me or like me if I left my husband. After all, that’s what my husband used to tell me. “Who would want you?!”

 

 

My counselor advised me not to look back. I don’t tell my husband how he hurt me before and why I felt the way I did and I told him I am sorry for the way I behaved before. Deep down I know that I lost something that did not come back yet. As bad as it sounds, I don’t know what I feel for him. I do love him but not the way I want to. I know he is a good man and he cares for me. He changed for better; we both did, except that I ruined everything I could.

When I met OM recently, I felt so much for him. I wanted to believe that he means what he says. He said he knows I will never leave my H and he is sad he does not get to be with me. He asked me what I want from him since I did not want sex. Maybe he thinks I was playing games, but to me, just to see him and cuddle with him was enough. In my mind even if I was single, I would not sleep with someone after seeing them for a couple of hours in 10 months.

 

 

 

When he left, he apologized for being pushy. Then he text me a few times saying he is sad without me and that he misses me. When I texted back and asked how his day was going...I did not get any reply. Why did he say I miss someone if he can’t even reply to my message? Why does he even start any convo if does not want to talk?

 

Anyway…Where I am right now is not my husband’s or OM fault- it is only my own mistake. Some days this little voice in my head is telling me that maybe he means things he says, maybe his actions are that way just because I am married and he has no choice to show more. But then I think little more and tell myself – If I loved someone, I would not tell them through message but face to face if it meant anything to me. And by thinking of this, I am getting confused more and more. I am over thinking…But this is me. This is what I would do. I am not him.

 

I can control only my actions and I am pretty bad at it these days. Does it make sense?

[No Limit]

After all, that’s what my husband used to tell me. “Who would want you?!”

 

No offense but with stuff like that going on in your marriage, I think you should let go of both men. You have a lot of work to do.

 

And, you haven't addressed your opinion about coming clean to your husband.

[bathtub-row]

I'm sure my answer will piss off most people here but, first of all, I applaud you for cheating on your abusive husband. Who gives a fig about this worm that you describe as physically and emotionally abusive. I suggest that you not EVER tell him about your affair because he will probably kill you -- literally. Aside from that, anyone who thinks an abusuve person deserves anything -- the truth, faithfulness, or whatever -- they don't. He got everything he deserves. No pity for him at all.

 

However....you have traded one jerk for another. What you need to do is remove both of these idiots from your life and spend a couple of years alone fixing yourself. Because only someone with the lowest opinion of themselves would post a story like this and not see all the glaring problems with it, that first begin with your lack of self-love and low expectations of men.

 

This guy that you're talking about is a complete jerk. 100%. Do you get that? Do you see how you diminish yourself by being even the slightest bit tolerant of his actions? Do you see how someone in his shoes could so easily use you because all he has to do is tell you what you want to hear?

 

It would serve you best to understand that there are a lot of good men out there and, even if you were abused as a child and abused in your marriage, you can pull yourself out of this tailspin that your life is in. Please try to heal yourself and know that you are a valuable and lovable person; that you should never settle for anything less than a man who genuinely loves you back; one who doesn't inflict harm on you and one who doesn't disappear for months on end.

[bathtub-row]

No offense but with stuff like that going on in your marriage, I think you should let go of both men. You have a lot of work to do.

 

And, you haven't addressed your opinion about coming clean to your husband.

 

To all of you who are suggesting that she tell her husband about the affair, all I can say is that you must not have much experience with abusive men. I can assure you that this is exactly what she should NOT do. Men who are physically violent are extremely capable of inflicting permanent damage, or even death, on someone who cheats on them. There is no reason on earth to tell him anything. As far as I'm concerned, once he started the abuse, all bets were off. From that point on, he doesn't deserve anything...except to be left.

 

Letitsnow, your husband tells you all that crap because that's how he controls you. It's very sad that you believe anything he says. The truth is, he's a very convincing actor and you believe him. It's also very sad that you had an abusive dad. I didn't even read that part until after my first post. I already figured that part out. You put yourself in victim mode by being too innocent and too trusting. I hope you will learn to be wiser about the people you allow into your life.

Edited August 24, 2014 by bathtub-row

[smackie9]

Your confused because you are emotionally beat down, and any attention from the OM is something that has been missing from your marriage. So of course you so desire to be desired, cared for, loved BUT the OM knows your vulnerability and used that to his advantage to control you.

 

 

The only thing you have to blame yourself is your lack of strength to leave your marriage. Obviously the affair was only a band-aid solution and now has left you even more confused. It has made you take two steps back instead of going forward.

 

 

I think you and your therapist should touch more on the subject of codependency, and work with you on understanding what your codependency means to your situation. You need to find your independence, individuality, and self worth. There you will finally find your strength to do what is best for YOU. Taking yourself completely out of the marriage will help you get to your goal of being in a deserved better life. And yes you definitely deserve better!

[loveboid]

Gosh, I would get rid of both. Both are abusive. I would not even tell them why. They don't need you to tell them why...they already know they are abusive. Yes, it's true, my dear. It is clear to me they are fooling you and abusing you on purpose.

 

I can tell you would be stronger on your own than with either of these guys. Whatever you decide I would make a plan and take careful steps so that you come out stronger instead of falling into dire straits and depending on someone who is convenient but who can only hurt you.

 

Remember, often people who are conveniently there for you are available because no one else wanted them.

 

P.S. What is this "your stop wasn't loud enough"? This is rape if you did not want sex. Stop means the opposite of consent, right?

 

Edit: I just read your description of your marriage. I think you know your husband is dangerous and that admitting this truth is dangerous itself. It is imperative that you keep whatever you decide and whatever you plan secret from him and the other man. It might be tempting to go to the other man to rescue you...it is not worth it. It is okay to lie to people who are acting badly toward you if it is to protect yourself. It is also protecting them because allowing them to harm you is bad for them, isn't it? They could go to jail, couldn't they? So it is in your and their best interests that you leave the situation.

 

Remember, it is okay to love people. That doesn't mean you have to love them from up close. We don't love lions up close. If we did and the lion hurt us the lion would be put down. Loving people from afar is sometimes the best way to love them. People are neither good nor bad. It is their behavior that is helpful or harmful. I believe you can leave and do better for everyone involved. A lot of people are here to help you. Womens hotlines are experienced in exactly your situation. It is okay to call them and I encourage you to do so.

Edited August 24, 2014 by loveboid