For those that tried to R, and ended up D anyway....

[EverySunset]

My M fell apart after my (1st) D-day, but I tried to reconcile.

 

Looking back, I did everything wrong. I didn't 180. I didn't make him earn his way back. I let him gaslight me and trickle truth. So a year later, when we had another D-day, and I had nothing left in me to try. We are now in the long process of D, and I'm all introspective.

 

My question is, are you sorry you tried to R? Were all the signs that it wouldn't work there, but you tried anyway? Do you wish you had done things differently?

 

How do you wish that discussion had gone? I wish he had just said he was unhappy and left, not pretend to work on us while serial cheating. I would have cried, but I also would have gotten my life back. How about you?

[Mount]

Hey hope you feel better soon.

 

Just to clarify, are you BS or WS as you said your 1st D-day, can you elaborate what happened?

 

My M fell apart after my (1st) D-day, but I tried to reconcile.

 

Looking back, I did everything wrong. I didn't 180. I didn't make him earn his way back. I let him gaslight me and trickle truth. So a year later, when we had another D-day, and I had nothing left in me to try. We are now in the long process of D, and I'm all introspective.

 

My question is, are you sorry you tried to R? Were all the signs that it wouldn't work there, but you tried anyway? Do you wish you had done things differently?

 

How do you wish that discussion had gone? I wish he had just said he was unhappy and left, not pretend to work on us while serial cheating. I would have cried, but I also would have gotten my life back. How about you?

[BetrayedH]

My M fell apart after my (1st) D-day, but I tried to reconcile.

 

Looking back, I did everything wrong. I didn't 180. I didn't make him earn his way back. I let him gaslight me and trickle truth. So a year later, when we had another D-day, and I had nothing left in me to try. We are now in the long process of D, and I'm all introspective.

 

My question is, are you sorry you tried to R? Were all the signs that it wouldn't work there, but you tried anyway? Do you wish you had done things differently?

 

How do you wish that discussion had gone? I wish he had just said he was unhappy and left, not pretend to work on us while serial cheating. I would have cried, but I also would have gotten my life back. How about you?

 

I don't remotely regret that I tried. I tried not to play judge, jury, and executioner. She had her chance to set things right. Instead, she screwed it up further. I feel no guilt or shame for giving her a second chance. She can carry the knowledge that she squandered that chance with a good and forgiving husband.

 

What I do regret is when I didn't leave her after she was busted breaking NC. That was a known dealbreaker after Dday and should have remained one. It wasn't much longer after that when I discovered that she'd also been lying about parts of the affair - and lying was another known dealbreaker. That one did us in (much like your second Dday did for you).

 

I don't think there's much wrong with giving a second chance (provided that they seem truly remorseful). It's when you get to the third and fourth chances that you should really be doubting yourself.

[EverySunset]

Whooooops I'm sorry. I have posted a lot about my past situation, but infrequently so I must seem almost a stranger here. I read every thread though.

 

I am a BS. My STBXH admitted to ONE long term affair, and we had much fallout, only to discover dozens of ONS, and a few more LTAs. Sometimes running concurrently! They sometimes even knew about each other, and me, so apparently I was the only one in the dark. Sigh.

[utterbetrayal]

Yes I do regret trying to reconcile and not initiating divorce sooner.

 

 

I am the kind of person that will always give someone a second chance, and I don't regret the fact that I gave my WW a 2nd chance after our first DDay. When DDay #1 occurred we were in final preparations for out big 10th Anniversary party and renewal of our vows. When I found out, I viewed the renewal of our vows as a opportunity for a "fresh start" in our relationship. And I had hoped that she saw it the same way. It seemed that we had made a big step in our marriage and in rebuilding trust. but................

 

 

less than a month after we renewed our vows, I found text messages between her and OM which was a clear violation of the NC agreement we had. anyone in their right mind probably would have called it quits after that, but not me. after all, I reasoned it out in my head that "it was just sexting and didn't involve anything physical". so I fooled myself into trying to get back on the path to reconciliation.

 

 

Then 2 months later, im on a business trip and decide the day before I leave that I should hire a private investigator just for peace of mind. The very first day I'm gone, the two timing Ho has OM over to apartment for some recreation.

 

 

After that, I consulted with a lawyer, but being the completely insane idiot that I am, have not proceeded with any of his suggestions. Why? you might ask...........because I have deep seeded need to believe that good conquers evil.

 

 

The lesson that I learned though is that Trust does have breaking point and once that point is reached, there is no return. I am making one last attempt at regaining trust by going to a couples retreat with WW for healing. If that does not at least put us on the path toward rebuilding trust, then I have resolved finally to proceed with divorce after almost 2 years of fruitless attempts to rebuild.

 

 

FYI: through counseling, WW has admitted to 5 affairs of which 2 were LTA that lasted 3+yrs each. almost all 5 affairs overlapped each other in some way and almost everyone found out about the others and knew about me. For 8 yrs of my marriage, I was the only one that she managed to keep in the dark about her double life. Imagine how special I feel knowing that she went to such great lengths to "spare" me all those secrets.

[Striver]

An alternative is not getting the choice of whether to R because the WS just leaves flat out without attempting to work on the marriage at all. If the unhappiness has been long term and well known, this maybe is for the best. If the unhappiness is shorter term and unarticulated, the BS may be left with few or no choices.

 

In my case my WW had an EA with an old friend, someone she knew before me. There was likely some unhappiness and resentment before that, but it was not long term and the issues could have been talked through. But the issues were never talked about in depth, WW likely carried a torch for OM a long way back, and WW has a history of not tolerating the small stuff and being discontented anyway. About all I ever could have done is filed myself. We have kids, and I held out hope that WW would take them into account and work on the marriage. She's going to file anyway. It may be quicker this way, but I'll still have to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild big parts of my life again.

 

If things don't work out, there really are no good solutions anyway, unless the marriage was a disaster from Day One. Mostly I wish none of us were in these situations.

[purplesorrow]

I'm about 19 months from dday but very early in the reconciliation process. WH moved out about a month after dday. After a little over a year of being separated, I filed for divorce but stopped it. Trying to reconnect has had it's challenges. Make it or not, I don't regret trying. If anything I'll have peace of mind no matter the outcome.

[Snowflower]

My M fell apart after my (1st) D-day, but I tried to reconcile.

 

Looking back, I did everything wrong. I didn't 180. I didn't make him earn his way back. I let him gaslight me and trickle truth. So a year later, when we had another D-day, and I had nothing left in me to try. We are now in the long process of D, and I'm all introspective.

 

My question is, are you sorry you tried to R? Were all the signs that it wouldn't work there, but you tried anyway? Do you wish you had done things differently?

 

How do you wish that discussion had gone? I wish he had just said he was unhappy and left, not pretend to work on us while serial cheating. I would have cried, but I also would have gotten my life back. How about you?

 

I'm not trying to minimize anything you are going through but at least it was only a year between the first and second d-day. Perhaps in that year's time, you had a chance to regain some of your equilibrium so that when the second d-day occurred, it wasn't quite as shocking?

 

As for handling everything "wrong," please don't beat yourself up about that. I'm not a good example of reconciling either. You did the best you could under unforeseen, painful circumstances.

 

FWIW, I don't think you should feel bad about reconciling. I'm just guessing here, but you probably loved him and valued your marriage. There is nothing wrong with trying to keep something that you love and value.

 

Don't be too hard on yourself for having tried to do this.

[painfullyobvious]

I am glad I could say at least I tried. I tried several months after Dday and did a lot of things right and some things wrong and it didn't matter. Some people just want their cake and eat it too. Some people don't have the courage to talk through their concerns and instead have exit affairs. Some people are so self centered they only care about their own needs.

 

I would not beat up yourself regarding attempted reconciliation. You can say you tried and your spouse just was not interested in the marriage as you were. Time to focus on you and make positive changes. I wallowed a bit longer than I should have its only natural to self blame as a betrayed spouse we internalize the betrayal as our fault they strayed. Not true at all.

 

Time to heal, learn from mistakes and begin getting yourself reading for the person who will treat and respect you like an adult

[merrmeade]

My M fell apart after my (1st) D-day, but I tried to reconcile.

 

Looking back, I did everything wrong. I didn't 180. I didn't make him earn his way back. I let him gaslight me and trickle truth. So a year later, when we had another D-day, and I had nothing left in me to try. We are now in the long process of D, and I'm all introspective.

 

My question is, are you sorry you tried to R? Were all the signs that it wouldn't work there, but you tried anyway? Do you wish you had done things differently?

 

How do you wish that discussion had gone? I wish he had just said he was unhappy and left, not pretend to work on us while serial cheating. I would have cried, but I also would have gotten my life back. How about you?

 

Verdict is still out and unsure I'll ever be sure how I feel about it.

 

At this very moment in time, I'm pissed off. Yesterday, I was depressed. Day before, traumatized. Yep, still cycling and killing myself trying. So - let you know next week if I'm still here.

 

Oh sorry - just realized this was addressed "...and ended up D anyway." Well, point's the same: I have the same question you do.

[RightThere]

I am a BS. My STBXH admitted to ONE long term affair, and we had much fallout, only to discover dozens of ONS, and a few more LTAs. Sometimes running concurrently! They sometimes even knew about each other, and me, so apparently I was the only one in the dark. Sigh.

 

It sucks. Believe me, I know.

 

I don't regret trying (present tense) to R. It's my choice and I can live with the outcome, positive or negative.

 

I hope you don't regret your choice. It was the right one for you based on what you knew and felt at the time. Hindsight always makes people think "I wish I had done this instead" at the time. But that's a path that leads nowhere.

[jnel921]

I think for anyone who decides they want to R they have to feel it from both sides and be committed to it.

 

My first H wasn't remorseful and he lied all the time. I knew that wouldn't work and didn't even bother. We divorced.

 

My current H was totally remorseful and 100% committed to rebuilding our M. Taking the risks of trying was worth it for me.

 

I am sure that if there was any funny business on his part I'd leave him in a heartbeat. At least you tried!

[Appreciate]

Yes I do regret trying to reconcile and not initiating divorce sooner.

 

 

I am the kind of person that will always give someone a second chance, and I don't regret the fact that I gave my WW a 2nd chance after our first DDay. When DDay #1 occurred we were in final preparations for out big 10th Anniversary party and renewal of our vows. When I found out, I viewed the renewal of our vows as a opportunity for a "fresh start" in our relationship. And I had hoped that she saw it the same way. It seemed that we had made a big step in our marriage and in rebuilding trust. but................

 

 

less than a month after we renewed our vows, I found text messages between her and OM which was a clear violation of the NC agreement we had. anyone in their right mind probably would have called it quits after that, but not me. after all, I reasoned it out in my head that "it was just sexting and didn't involve anything physical". so I fooled myself into trying to get back on the path to reconciliation.

 

 

Then 2 months later, im on a business trip and decide the day before I leave that I should hire a private investigator just for peace of mind. The very first day I'm gone, the two timing Ho has OM over to apartment for some recreation.

 

 

After that, I consulted with a lawyer, but being the completely insane idiot that I am, have not proceeded with any of his suggestions. Why? you might ask...........because I have deep seeded need to believe that good conquers evil.

 

 

The lesson that I learned though is that Trust does have breaking point and once that point is reached, there is no return. I am making one last attempt at regaining trust by going to a couples retreat with WW for healing. If that does not at least put us on the path toward rebuilding trust, then I have resolved finally to proceed with divorce after almost 2 years of fruitless attempts to rebuild.

 

 

FYI: through counseling, WW has admitted to 5 affairs of which 2 were LTA that lasted 3+yrs each. almost all 5 affairs overlapped each other in some way and almost everyone found out about the others and knew about me. For 8 yrs of my marriage, I was the only one that she managed to keep in the dark about her double life. Imagine how special I feel knowing that she went to such great lengths to "spare" me all those secrets.

 

Friend, your wife is a serial cheater and she will never stop because she knows you'll keep taking her back. You are delusional and you're just going to waste money at this workshop. She will cheat again and then you will have to divorce. More lost time and heartache on your part.