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How do I end affair?


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Hi.. This is probably a one off problem...I have been having an emotional and sometimes physical affair with a woman I went to college with. We are both in our late 30's now.

About 5 years ago we came into each other's lives again and things grew very quickly, admittedly over social media as we do live far apart..

We talk all the time but she has a long term boyfriend and I have a girlfriend.

Things can be amazing between us but then often for no reason or for pretty ridiculous reasons she stops everything, and not in a particularly nice way, ( ignoring me followed by a rather final text) .. Then for one reason or other we start talking again and it builds and builds, it's happened about 5 times now.

The final time happened recently. We told each other we were in love with each other and wanted to start the process of being with each other, and then out of nowhere she ended it... Again. Now we are back to being, in her words, 'best friends'... She calls me when she's having problems and I love to help her, but if I'm honest I'm hoping she sees me as the one she wants to be with... But It doesn't happen...

I should say we have met up quite a few times and it is always passionate and we just click! But she seems to be able to adopt the out of sight out of mind attitude very easily.

Sometimes I feel like there is genuine heartfelt love between us, other times that she picks me up when she needs me, emotionally or just for an ego boost.

Her boyfriend is quite frankly an idiot, he's not a bad man, just very uncharismatic and a rather immature person who she seems to have to mother.

This thing between us has been going on for so long, and I just can't cope with the confusion of it all anymore.

I keep saying to myself, if I do this or that she will come back?, if I ignore her will she come back? Then I have flashes thinking that Ive had enough and should just walk away... But I haven't the strength!

Let me be straight.. I love my girlfriend very much and if I spent the rest of my life with her I wouldn't see it as a waste and would be happy. But she isn't my soulmate, this other woman is! We connect on every level... But she just won't commit to exploring our feelings.

I know people often say " oh we should be together" and it means nothing because the other person probably doesn't feel it. But we should, and I know deep down she feels the same, but just won't take that step.. I think out of guilt, fear, financial commitments and the fact that she is desperate for children and going through IVF with this man.

I guess I need advice as to either how to walk away without killing my heart or should I give an ultimatum or what?? I just don't know...but I know it's eating me up!

Though if I'm brutally honest I do tend to over think things.

But Please believe me, this is love.. Not lust! But because of that I can't see clearly.

Thanks.

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It's strange that when a young person meets someone (unattached) and they have a relationship, and one of the two decides to end it, it ends.

 

No one asks what can I do? I mean you can ask it, but the answer will always be the same. Get over it and move on.

 

So why cannot it be the same for people who break up during an affair.

 

It's over, yes it was love, love puppies, but one of the two of you has ended it.

 

If in my past I had a girlfriend who ended our relationship and wanted to be "just friends" we knew what this was code for: I'm done with you.

 

And if I thought I could do something to change her mind, I would be called a stalker.

 

Wait as sec, I have an idea. Fall in love with your Girlfriend. That way you can actually say, "I have a girlfriend and I love her". That would be sooooo awesome.

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Wait as sec, I have an idea. Fall in love with your Girlfriend. That way you can actually say, "I have a girlfriend and I love her". That would be sooooo awesome.

 

Do you in fact have a "girlfriend" or is this female merely someone you're kinda infatuated with and when the "real" girlfriend appears, you can dump her? Love her and cherish her or move on and let her find happiness with someone who really sees her as the love of his life, his future bride, life partner, and the mother of his children. Sounds to me like you're really not all that wrapped up in her, and that's ok. You're young and most likely have not found "the one." Keep searching, but please, don't lead her on.

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It has been 5 years and if she hasn't left her boyfriend yet,then chances are she's not going to.Open your eyes she has been using you for five years and you are to blind to see it for yourself.

 

What ya'll have isn't love it's really lust if you two where in love the both of you would have left your partners already it's not like ya'll are married so walking away should be easy if love was the case

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Be honest and let your girlfriend go. She deserves a real chance of happiness and monogamy.

 

This relationship you have right now is built on a lie, and if she knew the truth and you see her reaction you may see this differently.

 

You are in selfish mode. Let her go, let them both go.

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We both agreed that if circumstances were different we would and should be together. That much I know is true. But they aren't different I know that! There is love there for sure. I know the moral arguments, but it's like giving up a drug. I'm addicted to her and I think in a weird way she is addicted to me. I know I have to end it, but it's so hard! I haven't the strength. So comments like 'just move on' etc etc... Really don't help. I'd love to hear from someone with possibly a similar experience.

People hear 'affair' and their automatic response is 'wrong wrong wrong'....but life is far more complicated than that...

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People hear 'affair' and their automatic response is 'wrong wrong wrong'....but life is far more complicated than that...

No, it isn't.

 

You ARE hearing from people who have experienced affairs and doing the right thing requires fortitude, strength, and integrity.

 

You came here to this site for a reason and deep down, you KNOW what we are telling you is truth. Put on you Big Boy Pants. Your girlfriend deserves better than you are treating her and you should at least breakup with her to give her a chance at an honest and loving relationship - not one filled with deceit and lies.

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Love is blind , due to the tingling feeling on your stomach, your common sens left your body that is the best theory I can think of after reading your

 

I love my girlfriend very much and if I spent the rest of my life with her I wouldn't see it as a waste and would be happy. But she isn't my soulmate
really I feel so sorry for your girl friend I think she deserve a man with good qualities than you. Tell her the truth and let her go. What would you feel if your girl friend did this to you? And what will be your reaction? And from what hole you say you love her? From where you fart I assume.

Her boyfriend is quite frankly an idiot
Sorry to say but so do you your self too!

I'm addicted to her and I think in a weird way she is addicted to me.

So then why don't you leave you girl friend but not soul mate as you said, go where your soul mate lives, knock the door kick her boy friend, put him out of the house, and just go to your soul mate, just like the prince comes to tangled to save her, and start a life happy ever after???? you are asking to give positive experiences, I am not sure have you been through stories, what people say about their affairs and how much they in pain due to that. No one say affair is wrong but what you do is for me really sick. You two don't love each other that just lust as another member say. If you guys ever loved to each other you guys already together hurting your partners already..........
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I'm sorry but life isn't so clear cut! I love my girlfriend, but the lady I am in contact with and have an on off affair with is my soulmate! It's possible to love two people no matter what anybody says! I know what I should do so patronising me in my feelings and telling me what a perfect human being I should be is NOT help! Believe it or not I'm a good, kind person... I'm just in a very hard and lonely situation. Why else did I come here to this site???

I was looking for support from people who have experienced the same thing! Not a telling off! Life is not easy.. Yet people still seem to live in black and white!

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I was looking for support from people who have experienced the same thing! Not a telling off! Life is not easy.. Yet people still seem to live in black and white!

 

We HAVE experienced it and can tell you that you are in what is known as "Affair Fog" which is why you need a telling off...

 

It is tough love because you can't think straight right now.

 

We don't live in black-and-white, but have the knowledge of hindsight and experience to try and shock you into doing what should be done.

 

You say you are a good and kind person. Okay, than is what you are doing to your girlfriend GOOD or KIND? Seriously - answer that question. If you found out your girlfriend was having an affair with someone she felt was her soulmate, don't you feel like you would deserve to know?

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It really doesn't seem that she is as into this as you. I think you know this. You know she is using you for a emotional and ego boost, once you've done the job she cuts you off and returns to the relationship with the boyfriend. Your not her "the one" as she seems to be yours. Her end game doesn't include you, likely doesn't include her current boyfriend either.

 

You ask how do you end it, stop talking to her. Stop being her emotional rock, and feeding her ego she will do the rest. That's what users do, use people until they can't anymore then they move on.

 

The thing is, if you guys where soulmate (which I believe only exists in romanic comedies) it wouldn't be that hard to have made it happen over the 20 or so years you've known one another, or over the past 5 with niether of you being married.

 

Wake up, so is just not that into you, doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she just doesn't love you enough to make the tough decisions for.

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I take your points carrie.. I really do. And I'm in no means proud of myself. I hate myself! I hate myself for what I do to my girlfriend and for being emotionally weak when it comes to this woman. But judging me is not what I need. I judge myself plenty! If your soulmate comes into your life which is very very very rare... It's not easy to give that up.. Is it?

We have an amazing connection that nobody would understand but because of circumstances we can't be together!!

I guess I just can't explain myself or the situation properly.

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If your soulmate comes into your life which is very very very rare... It's not easy to give that up.. Is it?

We have an amazing connection that nobody would understand but because of circumstances we can't be together!!

I guess my point is that the soulmate thing is ephemeral. Yes, it is rare, but does necessarily mean it is good or meant to be.

 

Just because it happens, does not guarantee life long happiness - as you are now seeing.

 

And walking away - while the hardest thing to do - is often what is required.

 

I had one and the ending of that relationship is what brought me to LS all those years ago. The ending of that relationship took me several years. Yep, it was harder than anything I have ever done. But it was a toxic relationship, at best, and as much as I wanted it and that amazing connection to continue, it simply could not for a variety of reasons.

 

You have to pull yourself out of the fog and understand that if the Soulmate truly wanted to be with you, she would do whatever was needed to make it happen. She hasn't. And you haven't either. You are still with your girlfriend - as a security blanket, perhaps?

 

You aren't being judged on your situation, but you ARE being judged on your actions moving forward now that you have come here for help. You know that you need to come clean with your girlfriend about the situation and give her the honesty to make her own choice about your relationship. You've been cheating and lying to her and she deserves to know the truth, doesn't she?

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Lernaean_Hydra
I'm sorry but life isn't so clear cut! I love my girlfriend, but the lady I am in contact with and have an on off affair with is my soulmate! It's possible to love two people no matter what anybody says! I know what I should do so patronising me in my feelings and telling me what a perfect human being I should be is NOT help! Believe it or not I'm a good, kind person... I'm just in a very hard and lonely situation. Why else did I come here to this site???

 

 

Saying 'no one is perfect' is such a trite, hollow observation. We're all well aware of that, thus no one here is asking you to be. What we are asking you to do however, is stop lying to yourself and everyone else. You are being extraordinarily selfish and unfair and have the unmitigated gall to talk about your pain and your suffering!

 

All the while you have a long time girlfriend unaware she's been playing second fiddle to another for half a decade now. You've said it yourself, she's not your first choice but you'd "settle" for her anyway I guess as if that's some noble favor you're doing her. The kicker is, this mistress of yours has made it clear you're not who or what she wants in the long term.

I was looking for support from people who have experienced the same thing! Not a telling off! Life is not easy.. Yet people still seem to live in black and white!

Ah, I see. So what you're saying is you came here hoping to get a robust pat on the back from your fellow comrades in adultery?

 

I have news for you, even other cheaters know you're in the wrong. Even other cheaters cannot and should not sit by and ignore the fact that what you are doing is awful.

 

No one here is speaking in black and whites. We all know life is difficult as it is nuanced and gray; yet we can still see that in your scenario, there is no in-between.

 

By the way, people who are "good" and "kind" don't carry on affairs and lie through their teeth every day of their lives.

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I'm sorry but life isn't so clear cut! I love my girlfriend, but the lady I am in contact with and have an on off affair with is my soulmate! It's possible to love two people no matter what anybody says! I know what I should do so patronising me in my feelings and telling me what a perfect human being I should be is NOT help! Believe it or not I'm a good, kind person... I'm just in a very hard and lonely situation. Why else did I come here to this site???

I was looking for support from people who have experienced the same thing! Not a telling off! Life is not easy.. Yet people still seem to live in black and white!

 

Oh pleeze! You don't really "know" this other woman. You've never spent any one-on-one physical time with her. All you have are words on a computer screen. You've not seen the real person on the other end of the internet. She has a boyfriend, and she's cheating on him with you. What does that say about her and her commitments? There's an old expression on here that's germane to this situation: If she'll cheat with you, she'll cheat on you. Talk is cheap, my friend. If you truly "love" someone, you don't get yourself wrapped up in a relationship with someone else and then call it "love", especially someone you have never met.

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Thanks carrie... You are right it is toxic. But telling everyone everything is pointless.. I've got myself into a stupid situation... And point a gun to my head I will stay with my girlfriend. 'If' circumstances were different then maybe maybe maybe... But I know they aren't... But it's getting the strength to say ENOUGH! ... I want to get there... I do... But I'm not there... And it's awful.

I love this girl and she loves me... When I make that decision it will be horrendous ... Guess I'm childishly looking for moral support from people who understand. I obviously have nobody else to open up to..

Hope that makes sense.

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And thumper... Or whatever your name is... You didn't read my original post. We know each other, we HAVE spent a lot of passionate and wonderful one on one as you say... I'm not stupid.. I haven't fallen in love with an avatar for gods sake!!

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Learnean... Not looking for pat on back... You haven't read a bloody thing! I know I'm wrong... Just not as bloody perfect as you!

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The moral support you are looking for is coming in the guise of beating you up until you do the right thing.

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Lernaean_Hydra
Learnean... Not looking for pat on back... You haven't read a bloody thing! I know I'm wrong... Just not as bloody perfect as you!

 

I read every word (unfortunately). As I said, no one is perfect so you throwing up your hands and proudly declaring you're not is pointless! I don't care how many exclimation marks you use!!!

 

Obviously I'm not perfect either, but what the hell does perfection have to do with doing the right thing? You're using it as an excuse and it's not fooling anyone. You not being perfect isn't the problem, it's your selfishness and "me, me, me" attitude that is. You want your mistress and your backup plan without a thought about your girlfriend whom you are cheating on daily.

 

You DO want a pat on the back, or at the very least you don't want to be called out. You don't want to hear how other parties really view you and the horrid behavior that you keep trying to justify.

 

God I hope your girlfriend has some really tall, hot coworker she's seeing on the side!

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Support does not have to include pampering. Most often, the best support is painful...because it's intended to lead you to the much needed change you've been avoiding up to this point.

 

I don't care who you choose. GF, soulmate...irrelevent to me.

 

What I DO know is that NOT choosing is selfish, and ultimately very damaging to everyone involved.

 

From the way you've talked on this thread...you've made it clear to me that you choose your college sweetheart. That's fine.

 

Now, tell your girlfriend it's over, and end that dead-end relationship.

 

It's that simple...not easy...but simple.

 

Don't just sit there feeling bad...get up and CHANGE THE SITUATION.

 

'nuff said.

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Learnean or whatever! You didn't read anything. As the affair is ended! It's the feelings that remain... Painful feelings... But you have very succinctly given me an insight as to why you're on here. They call them trolls in this country.

I know what I've done is wrong.. But the hurt is still there. But you like to hurt!

You don't even know what my girlfriend is like????

Cow handler?? Haha... Little fantasy of yours...?? If she is getting it from somewhere else... Hopefully she has better taste.

But thanks for your opinions Mary poppins!

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Learnean or whatever! You didn't read anything. As the affair is ended! It's the feelings that remain... Painful feelings... But you have very succinctly given me an insight as to why you're on here. They call them trolls in this country.

I know what I've done is wrong.. But the hurt is still there. But you like to hurt!

You don't even know what my girlfriend is like????

Cow handler?? Haha... Little fantasy of yours...?? If she is getting it from somewhere else... Hopefully she has better taste.

But thanks for your opinions Mary poppins!

 

Quite clearly the affair has ended but only one person understands it. You didnt end it, now you dont know what to do. Obviously you either forget her or continue having an affair with the affair. You will eventually discover that your soulmate is, and has aways been , inside your head. It is affair chemistry, not chemistry between you. She is gone, and the chemicals are still there. You are now about to exoerience the DDTs of coming off of an affair high.

 

Youcan make it short and swift and get on with your life or you can drag this on until your death bed with the mindfuc-k game of the "one that got away". Totally up to you, but there you are, waiting for a sign that it isnt really over. ..

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