D-Day plus 6 weeks. Wife betrayal, long story... .

[betrayedandhurting]

I’ve been following many of the online forums for victims of infidelity for about 6 weeks now but I thought I’d finally post my story, seek advice, and see if anyone has a story of hope for someone in my situation.

 

I have known my wife for 24 years, since we were 14. We moved on from good friends and began dating when we were 19 and married after both of us completed our college degrees at just age 24. Both of us come from stable two parent homes and my wife is described by everyone including me as being a loving, stable as rock friend and lover who you would consider a bedrock of ethical and moral strength.

 

For the first 5 years of marriage everything was beyond wonderful. We both worked full time in fulfilling careers, mine in the travel industry which took me on the road 2 to 3 nights a week. It didn’t matter because we traveled the world and enjoyed our time together every moment we could. When our first child, a daughter, came along we were overjoyed. My wife went part-time and we reveled in our child but things did change. Our focus was on our kid and less on us. It seemed natural because we were both so in love with her but for me it also felt a bit sad since of course there was less time for us than before. We had very little support from family to lean on for a variety of reasons and neither of us wanted to use babysitters etc. so our life became our little family, 100% of the time. My wife and I never stopped talking, we told each other we loved each other daily, still were sleeping together several times a week (but it did get routine) and spent hours every night talking about our day and our little girl, but not so much us. After about 7 years of marriage (2 years after my daughter was born) we both decided to try for another child but then one night I accidentally saw my wife had left open a web browser of her email and there was a very mildly flirty email from a colleague at her work commenting on how sad he was to see her walk away from the room they were in a work but “the view was good”. I was disturbed and so looked for more emails and found exactly one, one in which my wife told him the time it was “safe” for him to call when I would be out of town on work. I then went to our cellphone bills and saw indeed for about 2 months she was calling this guy several times a week, usually on her way to work in the morning, but sometimes at night when I was away. I immediately confronted her and she confessed immediately to an inappropriate close friend relationship to this man and said they confided in each other their concerns/troubles etc. and she knew I wouldn’t like it so she concealed it. I pushed more and she admitted that she knew he was attracted to her and had once tried to kiss her but that she never went there but liked the attention and it made her feel good to have someone else “like” her. Her “concerns” were basically feeling overwhelmed with a 2 year-old and feeling unattractive and getting older (my wife is beautiful and super-fit.) I briefly contacted the man and told him never to speak to my wife again (he was unhappily married with kids) and he readily agreed. I left for a day in anger and when I got home she was on her knees begging. She immediately quit her job without even going back and never contacted the man again and believe me I was looking. Within a month I viewed what happened as a “close call” that was totally out of character with the woman I loved and reasoned nothing else happened as simply my wife had no time for anything worse, she literally was never alone without our child except at work. Our marriage seemed to go back to a comfortable and loving normal.

 

A year later we welcomed our second child, our son. Again we were overjoyed. My wife had already found a similar new job but now worked even less, 2 days a week, just 16 hours a week. It didn’t matter because my career (which forever takes me on the road 3-4 days a week but leaves me off the other 3-4 days) was flourishing and I was making great money. We built a beautiful new and huge home from scratch and went about raising our family. My wife and I remained happy and close taking vacation after vacation with our children and attending to their every need. Private school, religious based education, sports you name it all continued for the next 6 1/2 years and I was happy in my marriage. My wife still fell asleep in my arms every night, had her every request met, and we still talked for hours each day about our days and mostly about the kids. I still felt like we lacked quality couple time and in the last 9 years since our first child was born we only “got away” for a night from the children perhaps 5-6 times (including one 4 day stint for our 10 year anniversary) which made me a bit sad but I always just felt it was our circumstance and the nature of the “phase” of our life. My wife in recent years did seem to getting more distant from me, in particular when I was on the road, seldom having much to say to me on our phone calls etc. and often acting passive aggressive towards me for small injustices she felt I had caused such as failing to clean up a room while she was at work, or if I failed to help her with the kids bath-time one night but mind you I have always contributed majorly to the family, worked my ASSOFF on the road to provide for my families every need and was the ultimate homebody running straight to my wife and kids at all times sacrificing friends and hobbies. During these years we still were having sex twice a week (she instigated 50% of the time, always seemed satisfied and never rejected me even once) but it was in hindsight still a bit too routine as seen by the occasional more passionate night.

 

All this leads me to 6 1/2 weeks ago when my life ended. Nearly 14 years into our marriage I tried to contact my wife while I was at work and had a schedule change. I was unable to reach her and when I used “find my friends” on my iPhone to look it said her location was unavailable. I couldn’t reach her for 4 hours. Finally she “reappeared” and told me she had dropped the kids off at her mother’s and had gone shopping. All those fears from 7 years ago came back. When I got home I checked the phone bill and found the same number over and over for as far back as records go. The calls were always when I was on the road or when I was home and having gone for a run. Usually about 2-4 a week, 5-20 minutes a shot. No text messages I could find by iMessages leaves no records. My wife locks her phone with the same password as mine and I searched it and found no evidence of anything but no evidence of a contact associated with the number she was calling. I paid to get who the phone belonged to and found it was a male colleague of hers and I prayed I was wrong but checking Facebook I discovered he was her “friend” but his wife (of course he was married with 4 kids) was not. Some more searching turned up a single message from 8 months back that was from my wife to him saying “please remember to delete all your calls and emails, no messages pls, I’m paranoid.”

 

That was enough for me so I confronted her and she briefly tried to imply it was a “inappropriate” friendship again but I called bull**** on that and left. In text messages over the next few hours she admited she was sleeping with the guy when I was gone, was completely sorry, would break it off instantly, quit her job and do whatever else I asked of her etc. She confessed it was for a year and they only slept together 3 times but had grown to be “good friends” but neither ever intended to leave their spouses, just it felt good to “be wanted.” She never blamed me but implied she often overwhelmed with stress from her job, all the school groups and voluntarism she took on, and slights she knew were not significant but left her feeling sad from our relationship. She said his pursuit made her feel “wanted and pursued” and it wasn’t about the sex but the feeling of being told she was “pretty/beautiful and having her feelings on stuff she didn’t talk to me about being validated.” I was beside myself with anger, rage, humiliation and sadly had to go one a work training event that would take me away from home much of the next month (with some visits back, the first such event in 10 years). Before leaving I called the man and texted him and he repeatedly apologized and said he loves his family more than anything and will never, ever contact my wife again. I told her I wouldn’t make any decisions until I was done with training but again she quit her job without going back, swore to no-contact, begged for individual and joint consoling and any other demand I placed on her. I left but of course obsessed and looked for more information. I discovered her lies when I realized I misread the message from Facebook which wasn’t from 8 months prior, but TWENTY months prior. I confronted her again and said if I got one more lie it would be over forever and she admitted the friendship began in the fall of 2011 and the physical affair in early 2012. So THREE years total, the physical was 2 1/2. It seems to jive with some other info I found. As for the sex it was about once a week or 3 times total a month with periods she said it would go 2-3 weeks without. During these years I cared for her dying father in my home, supported her in a breast cancer scare, went on countless vacations and shared a “happy” marriage. The affair was nearly all physical, they met in only 3 locations, his office, a car garage he owns at a race track that has a living space, or to my disgust my own home. She continues to deny anything happened in our bed but that a couch and area in my basement was defiled. She wore her wedding ring during the affair and in her mind “compartmentalized” the affair and tried not to consider the implications on our children or me of getting caught. To her it was like a drug being desired and the risk of the affair was part of the attraction. They never shared cards, gifts, never spoke of leaving spouses, never said they loved each other and never went a single time anywhere in public on a “date” etc. It was a “having your cake and eating it too” relationship. She claims it wasn’t even “good” sex (yeah right) but more the feeling of being desired like that created something she couldn’t resist.

 

She again quit her job without going back. She cut off all contact with the man. She dropped every single colleague she ever had from Facebook, opened all her accounts to me fully. She began buying book after book on affairs, went to consoling weekly the last month and a half and had me go 3 times with her. She replaced our entire bedroom set, the offending couch, took off her wedding bands and has begun wearing a simple one she didn’t wear during the affair, threw out every single pair of underwear and bras etc. she owns and replaced them with new and has written me daily missives on her love for me and the children, growing old together, never betraying me again etc. She never blames me for anything, accepts my un-real rage for hours on end without complaint, has shown sudden interest my job and attention to me when I’m gone or home. She plans on staying as a stay at home mother from now on and “devoting myself to you and the children until I die.” She has made an effort to create for the first time in nearly a decade weekly “date nights” with me using babysitters and family including nights away. She is throwing herself on me for sex and to my enjoyment (and simultaneous disgust and humiliation) it has become red hot for the first time ages going for hours on end non-stop as we never sleep. Every single thing she can do right after an affair she has done, it is almost TOO perfect if you know what I mean. No confusion, no hesistance to commit to me etc. just an instant “fix.” She feels like the core of her “weakness” is that since childhood she has sought out affirmation she is “good” and so overloads herself at work, as a mother, as a wife and gets depressed but has hidden it for years on end and it resulted in her creating a double life where she sickly felt she wasn’t hurting anyone but fulfilling her emotional void but having some validate her as being desired. She seems deeply remorseful not just for my pain but for the act and says over and over she wishes she could take it back.

 

My rage and anger hasn’t let up at all. I visited a lawyer to discuss what divorce would look like for me. It would be very, very bad finically for me and everything I built for 15 years would be lost. Millions. I can’t imagine NOT being able to see my children, the lights of my life, anytime I want to... that is a nightmare to imagine. But most importantly I can’t imagine living without my wife. She still is the most beautiful amazing person I have ever known, I just now know this secret side of her I don’t know how I can live with. I feel like the special center of my life I could always count on is gone forever now that I know what she is capable of, even IF (and that is a big IF) she doesn’t do this again. While I truly believe it is over with this man for now (and she is more than willing to blow him up if I want, I think I’m finally ready to tell his wife) I have no doubts that if we struggle in the future after things settle down (think in 2-7 years) that this might happen again. If she ****ed up now or showed any of the typical confused betrayer reactions so many of you have experienced it would be easy to let go of this life but she is doing EVERYTHING she can (but in perspective there is no much she can do) to make this better and provide me comfort. I have made it crystal clear I haven't decided if I want a divorce yet but no matter what if I ever now or in the future discover a single emotional or physical betrayal no matter how small her first warning will be when she is served divorce papers.

 

I feel nothing I did deserved anything like this but in hindsight I regret thinking saying I love you 10 times a day was enough and not making it clear to her just how sexy and wanted she was, not making and forcing time together for just us, for keeping a life aside from our children a focus. She is to blame for all that too, but I felt it and did nothing for years and here we are.

 

I want to “fix this” and I want to love my wife again like I did. I just have no trust left and worst of all she isn’t my “special” thing anymore. I’m not proud to introduce her to people and talk about her anymore. I constantly obsess over their sex acts, her callous disrespect for me and the children in the way she conducted the affair and if I am a man compared to her lover (and I KNOW logically I can’t compete with the fake fantasy world they created in a real life marriage.) I just want to love her again and have her love me.

 

Is there even a chance? Am I wasting my time? If you told me in 2 years, or even 5 I would feel the way I did before I’d stay… but I am so doubtful. The worst moments for me now are the “good” ones that she is trying so hard to create, because I can’t help but feel that it pales in comparison to what my best friend, my best girl, my only love did to throw it all away for so long until I caught her.

 

I know this has been more like a novel, but its my life, and I am so very crushed. Is there any hope for me, my children, and my relationship?

Edited August 16, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[FusionCutter]

I am so sorry to hear of your story. Perhaps see a marriage counsellor? It sounds like she loves you very much.

[2sunny]

The wife you thought you knew is gone.

 

The wife who is bargaining by manipulating you is present.

 

Of course she's pulling out the tricks.. She's sorry she got caught, AGAIN!

 

You may think you "love her" but do you love her cheating? It's part of who she is. At the very core of her is a very selfish and insecure woman who didn't mind harming you and your family.

 

I forgave once, like you - at the 10 year mark. When it happened again at year 20 I divorced him and took my half!

 

I can't get back all those years - but do you really want to spend the next 10 or 20 years wondering every time you travel?

 

 

Expose to all family! NOW! She needs consequences that hurt her.

 

I don't find her believable. She's not sorry she did it - she's sorry she got caught. Big difference.

 

I know you said you love her - but you really don't know who she is since she's capable of such a vile act over and over again knowing she intended to have it continue and knowing it would hurt you.

 

That's not what love looks like.

 

Think about what you really want.

 

You could have 4 days every week with you kids and she could have the 3 you are gone.

[betrayedandhurting]

We are in counseling with a real PhD physiologist and like us is catholic faith based so he is very pro marriage (but leaves open a small window where divorce could be the only choice.) I like him but I'm not sure if it feels like anything he has said "helps" it is more about identifying my wife's "weakness" which is her need to be validated by everyone and reacting in appropriately to positive attention to get that validation. According to my wife she was aggressively pursued for months prior to "giving in" but then became a very willing participant in the affair to keep those "drug like" feelings going. While I logically can see this reasoning and can see my wife's need to please everyone and have others tell her she is great (and she is, besides this of course!) since she was a child it doesn't change the fact that she had a very low barrier to entry to an endless sex only affair while main ting the perception of a good marriage for years. I'm not sure I can be married to someone who has such a weakness and I'm not sure she can "fix it" even if she in her heart believe she can. Besides as I've said I don't just want her to change her boundaries (ie. no friendships with other men, don't talk about our marriage with others only me etc.) to prevent this... I want her to not WANT to have an affair even if she IS come on to by some guy. I work in a profession with rampant infidelity and my opportunities for betrayal on my weekly trips are endless but the thought disgusts me even now with my marriage nearly at an end. I wish it was the same for my wife.

 

PS: I did expose this to her mother and my parents who she is deeply ashamed to have hurt. I haven't exposed it further until I decide if I want to remain in the marriage for sure.

 

As for if I think she intends on cheating again... I actually believe she is truthful in saying she regrets her actions and will never do it again... But that is her "belief" and I'm afraid at her core is a deeply flawed woman who in a few years will once again succumb to her nature when the threat of losing her marriage isn't front and center.

Edited August 16, 2014 by betrayedandhurting

[excusememister]

As for if I think she intends on cheating again... I actually believe she is truthful in saying she regrets her actions and will never do it again... But that is her "belief" and I'm afraid at her core is a deeply flawed woman who in a few years will once again succumb to her nature when the threat of losing her marriage isn't front and center.

 

Your wife regrets getting caught.

 

IMO, she doesn't love you - she loves the lifestyle that you are providing her.

 

I am sorry this has happened to you, but I think your wife has shown you her true colors. There's probably a lot to her story that you still don't know.

[No Limit]

How often does she need to lie to you before you finally believe and see who she really is? Of course she attempts damage control as good as she can right now. And they did NOT sleep only 3 times.

3 times each day you were off at work perhaps, but not 3 times in that whole year.

 

Paternity test your children and then divorce. This isn't a wife you're having, you're having a gold digger.

 

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[2sunny]

And since she's said she wouldn't do it again but then she did - she is likely to just be one of those women who will cheat.

 

I used to love my husband - or rather, who I THOUGHT he was. But he ended up not being who I thought he was.

 

His actions were not actions of love.

 

Your W reminds me of the way he is.

 

He has no boundary. He was apologetic. He was willing to work on it. But at the end of the day he was still willing to cheat when a gal payed attention to him.

 

 

And I just couldn't stay and call THAT marriage! Because I had NO way of trusting him. And without trust there was no foundation to what I thought we had.

 

It's been 10 years now since we split... On occasion I feel triggered by all the things he did or didn't do - that make me wonder how many times he betrayed me. I found out about those two - but I'm sure there were others I didn't find out about.

 

Your wife has worked. She cheats when she works. Wouldn't it be nice to NOT wonder and NOT care?

 

Make her work! IF you divorce you pay less if she's working!!! She may cheat. Throw her to the temptation. She will do what she does - and maybe you can see IF she's learned anything or changed at all.

 

But expose! She did it! She's less likely to do it again if she knows you tell others just how crappy she's been acting!

 

Expose to MM's wife too! She deserves to know! Get tested for diseases! Yes, she could have brought one or two home. Have your children tested to be sure you are the bio Dad! Don't laugh, it happens a lot! Don't assume your wife will change. In fact assume she won't. People change only when they are very uncomfortable. You keep her too comfortable - that tells me she's not likely to change at all.

 

She sounds like a great actress... Don't be fooled anymore.

 

She doesn't respect you - if she did she wouldn't have done this twice! Twice is not an accident!

 

And religious reasons to not divorce? Heck no! Religions say don't screw other people outside the marriage! It also states if infidelity happens it IS grounds to divorce! Quit trying to use religion as an excuse for her piss poor behavior!

 

You can't change the cheater! Especially a spoiled one like your wife.

Edited August 17, 2014 by 2sunny

[harrybrown]

Has she been tested for stds?

 

Did she do anything with him that she would not do for you?

 

Have you had the kids tested to see if you are their father?

 

Why did she do it? (she wanted to do it- forget about the other crap)

 

She did it for a long time. Has she signed a written agreement that if you D that you get the custody of the kids, she pays child support and you get a favorable property settlement?

 

Has she written you a timeline of all her affairs? Did she always use a condom?

 

She should tell the OM's wife. She should put you ahead of the OM.

 

She will do this to you again.

[betrayedandhurting]

She did not use protection and is getting tested and will provide me the results. After our son was born she got permeant birth control. My children look just like me and I will never test, I wouldn't change a thing even if I wasn't their biological father.

 

Post-nups exist in my state and my wife would be happy to do one but at the same time per several lawyers in my state they are nearly 100% unenforceable for a variety of reasons and not worth the paper they are written on.

 

I don't think my wife is a money gruber so much as she likes our life of comfort, family and how she is perceived in the community. I even believe she loves/likes me and hanging with me etc. But obviously she is into the excitement of screwing guys with no strings on the side. If I had to guess she realizes one isn't worth the other but what happens years down the line when she thinks she has a new way I won't find out about her vices?

 

She seems so sincere though. Her tears and letters and statements of love are like legendary now... She hasn't blinked and done a single thing you would expect of a confused or still cheating spouse.

[betrayedandhurting]

Also she is happy to personally tell the OM wife's, even in front of me, even in person. The OM while a stranger to me has a wife who is distantly connected to some friends of ours and a school we someday want to send our kids to. I have hesitated telling to spare our children the potential of damage if their friends families found out etc. I'm sure many of my wife's friends would silently stop inviting her and by extension our children to functions etc. and someday this affair could be thrown in our kids face by the OM children themselves if they attend this school in another 6 years or so. I think I've finally decided I don't care and it has to be done and I'm going to tell her. My family is burning while he laughs at having bagged another mans wife in another's mans home for 2 1/2 years without having to even spend a dollar on her and he is even more affluent than us.

[Hope Shimmers]

I read your post shortly after you posted it and didn't reply then because I don't have any good advice. Your story made me cry though. I am SO sorry for your pain.

 

I don't think your wife deserves you. I think what you said - that she has a weakness of needing "validation" from other men - will not go away and will always be an issue.

 

I noticed that you said that this last man she had an affair with is even more financially affluent than you are. Was that the case for the first affair too?

[betrayedandhurting]

Without going into too many details my wife jobs were in a field where the colleagues she worked with were affluent. I don't think any of this had to do with trading up or finical matters but more "a powerful man wants me" obsession. I provide plenty for my wife (and what is considered by most a prestige job which earns a big salary) and she is thrifty way beyond me but surely some of this is the knowledge her life is at big risk and she certainly has no backup in these men who used her as a play thing not someone they would ever consider taking on in place of their own families.

[beach]

Also she is happy to personally tell the OM wife's, even in front of me, even in person. The OM while a stranger to me has a wife who is distantly connected to some friends of ours and a school we someday want to send our kids to. I have hesitated telling to spare our children the potential of damage if their friends families found out etc. I'm sure many of my wife's friends would silently stop inviting her and by extension our children to functions etc. and someday this affair could be thrown in our kids face by the OM children themselves if they attend this school in another 6 years or so. I think I've finally decided I don't care and it has to be done and I'm going to tell her. My family is burning while he laughs at having bagged another mans wife in another's mans home for 2 1/2 years without having to even spend a dollar on her and he is even more affluent than us.

 

Seems like good action to tell.

 

She did it. She may as well see the real fallout from what her actions created.

 

Sure she seems to be on board right now, wooing you = she got caught. She wasn't crying and writing you love letters while she screwed him on your bed and on your sofa! And she's still minimized it. Two and a half years with him... She screwed him often and I'm sure she got totally emotionally attached. And she's a big pretender because she pretended for that long that she was a devoted wife to you. She lies and lies. A liar doesn't suddenly become honest...not usually anyway.

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting ... But man, wake up to her manipulation. She's still playing you like a fiddle.

 

Ànd worrying about what others think? You're way past that - she could have considered it when she opened her legs. Kids get hurt too - and she's hurt them. But don't cover up for her. She needs to see what damage her actions caused. It's her responsibility.

 

 

For some, they still stay married after 10 or 15 cheating episodes.

 

This decision needs to be in YOUR best interest and only you can decide what respecting yourself looks like and what decision you can live with.

 

But if you stay - don't expect that she's capable of no cheating. She's not capable of being faithful. That way you won't be disappointed when the real her shows up again. She cheats - you know she cheats = expect her to cheat.

 

That is a realistic way to make your decision - with the history and evidence you alraeady know.

 

 

Expecting her to suddenly become a faithful wife is like asking a Kitty cat to become a dog. It's just not likely to happen.

[betrayedandhurting]

Look, I'm a smart guy and logically I get what everyone is saying but the emotions and consequences are making me look at any possible positive angle before pulling the trigger on ending our marriage.

 

Is there no possibility that my wife's weakness of needing affirmation from others and the fact that both of us failed to make each other the center of our emotional and physical priorities in the last 9 years since kids came along contributed to this? It is NOT an acceptable excuse but is there no chance if my wife learns to see how she reacts to situations in counseling combined with concrete changes in how we live our marriage (focusing on us, date nights, prioritizing sex, talking about the hard stuff like us) we can change the likelihood this would happen in the future?

 

Is there no way if our marriage is revitalized I can learn to emotionally forgive and accept and love my wife again in time?

 

I get that the "obvious" solution here is divorce but I don't want to live with regret that I threw away something I loved that might have been saved of only I tried... In particular if my decision to divorce was motivated by a desire to punish.

[beach]

Without going into too many details my wife jobs were in a field where the colleagues she worked with were affluent. I don't think any of this had to do with trading up or finical matters but more "a powerful man wants me" obsession. I provide plenty for my wife (and what is considered by most a prestige job which earns a big salary) and she is thrifty way beyond me but surely some of this is the knowledge her life is at big risk and she certainly has no backup in these men who used her as a play thing not someone they would ever consider taking on in place of their own families.

 

Honey, it may be useful to know most men decide who to target based on how "willing" the woman allows him to understand she is.

 

Power or not - she was able to help these men know she was a willing participant.

 

All the while she was a distant wife to you. That's not the good wife you keep typing here.

 

Look at your facts. There's nothing about her that describes a good wife.

 

She's risked your health and your life! You should be pissed!

 

She's risked her kids future, your future. And potentially blown families apart because she wanted other men to pay attention to her. And all the while fooling you to believe you were married to a good woman.

 

She's not a good woman and she will never be a good woman since she consciously chose to harm all of you twice.

 

Call it what you wish - but i will never agree that what you've described is even remotely close to "good". She could actually be described as an evil liar. That would be more appropriate.

 

Why have you waited 6 weeks for both of you to be tested for diseases?

[betrayedandhurting]

To be clear the "only 3 times" was obviously a lie and I uncovered that within 24 hrs of D-day. She then woke up to the fact that there was no diminishing this and confessed to 2 1/2 years of sex about 2-4 times a month which based on everyone's schedules seems plausible. She quickly admitted she was grasping at straws to limit the damage but moved beyond that. I think I'm getting 90% of the true picture of what this was now, including horrific details she could have left out but I'm sure there is some stuff she is leaving out or diminishing to "spare me" although I'm not sure it is stuff I need to know anyway to make a decision.

[betrayedandhurting]

PS: that IS the worst part of this deal, it's the imagining what she did, said, etc. My wife was a virgin when we began dating (I didn't expect my future wife to be since I wasn't but valued that I was lucky enough to be my wife's first) and now I can never say I was her only. While she claims they didn't do anything "weird" and claims it was mostly straight sex without oral I can't help but feel that inevitably that was some red hot relationship especially seeing my wife now throwing herself with at me with an abandon I haven't seen in years if at all.

[beach]

Ya, and because she screwed him all around your house she rewards her own bad behavior by buying brand new furniture. Nice touch.

 

You've already allowed her to believe you're staying.

 

Counseling with her

New furniture

Protecting her actions and bad behavior

Covering up for her

Pretending and lying to yourself that she's "good" when evidence proves otherwise

 

Not being tested for 6 weeks! You need to know!

Not having her leave the house when you found out

Continuing to have sex with her (she thinks are back on track)

 

 

 

She isn't believing you're leaving her.

 

 

She knows she can disrespect and disregard you. You've stayed! That tells her you don't intend to divorce her. She's got you. Right where it's hood for her...just wait a while and see when she starts again.

 

There's not one day moving forward that you will ever be capable of trusting her. One man pays a little attention and off she goes while you're away working hard to earn money for her good life. She pays you back like that.

 

That's not my idea of love or marriage.

[beach]

PS: that IS the worst part of this deal, it's the imagining what she did, said, etc. My wife was a virgin when we began dating (I didn't expect my future wife to be since I wasn't but valued that I was lucky enough to be my wife's first) and now I can never say I was her only. While she claims they didn't do anything "weird" and claims it was mostly straight sex without oral I can't help but feel that inevitably that was some red hot relationship especially seeing my wife now throwing herself with at me with an abandon I haven't seen in years if at all.

 

Just don't believe a word she says.

 

I don't know many that have sex for more than 2 years without oral. Affair sex is smoking hot!

 

Remember, she lies!

 

You are VERY skilled at believing your lying, cheating wife. Maybe that is the crux of this issue. You want to believe her so badly that you've believed all the lies she's told you.

 

Have her take a polygraph.

[betrayedandhurting]

The "normal" not weird sex comment from her was because in my moments of rage and obsession I demanded to know if they did certain things because I'm trying to see if there is anything left that is just for me. I get it, there isn't.

 

As for leaving or not and having her think I'm staying... well look I can leave anytime and our life has been such an emotional hell for 7 weeks I doubt anyone thinks there are any guarantees but yes, I haven't left yet or filed. Look I'm not going throw out 14 years of marriage and a 20+ year relationship with a life we built and 2 kids in a matter of a few days or weeks. I get how awful this looks but I just keep wondering if ANYONE thinks stuff like this can happen because of emotional problems that are fixable and have a good outcome. It seems the likelihood of that is low based on the comments and what a depressing thought, I appreciate the brutal honest but damn it seems she is so sincere, it's just I doubt she even realizes she can't control herself. Plus how do I live what's ALREADY been done?

[LivingWaterPlease]

betrayedandhurting, no matter how beautiful, confident and accomplished your wife seems to be, she has very low self esteem. It's also possible that she learned very early in her life (for whatever reasons) to separate herself from the reality of what's going on around her.

 

It's also possible that she's never truly been intimate with any man in a way that includes anything other than the physical, even if both you and she would doubt this. There is more substance to your wife than she knows. When/if she's healed she'll discover this. And your wife would be a woman no man has ever had before.

 

Imho, in order to be the wife you want her to be and the wife you've never had, even though you thought you had such a wife to begin with, she's going to need very deep healing. Of course, you will need healing, too, of a different kind.

 

And there is healing for both of you. I know of women and men who have been healed of more extreme cases of infidelity than that which you've described.

 

Very mature and wonderful of you not to want to be punitive with her.

[thummper]

I think that this is one of the most disgusting displays of adultery I've read about on this site. How can you even look at her without feeling the need to vomit? My God, what betrayal! Yeah, she's just full of remorse NOW and simply falling all over herself to prove how much she "loves" you, but how much of that is just crocodile tears and window dressing? I don't envy you the road you are taking. Much luck in the future, my friend. I think you're going to need it.

[Striver]

To me it seems like the A and her doing all of the right things are part of the same person. You've seen this sequence twice now. Unless you see some things from her that are different than the person you've seen until now, I would expect another A down the road. Be wary.

 

In my case my W is unilaterally divorcing with three young children so she can date another man. It will cost the family a good deal of money and the children and me a lot of pain. But it's consistent with other aspects of her character I've seen. My W has an urge to dominate and withhold that prevent her from making any sort of shared effort to work on the marriage. Even if we somehow save our marriage at this point, absent a great deal of soulsearching on her part (something she seldom or ever does anyway) her problems would be very likely to occur again.

[whichwayisup]

Do tell this guy's wife. She deserves to know the truth and make the decision if she wants to give her husband a second chance or to divorce him.

 

If your wife is truly and genuinely sorry for her cheating behaviour, feels awful for hurting you, lying to you, betraying you, and she is doing everything to make things right again, she deserves a second chance. But do let her know that IF she ever cheats on you again, emotional or physical, with that guy or any other guy, you will divorce her in an instant.

 

People deserve 2nd chances if they are worthy of it. Seems like your wife wants to work with you to make things good again.

 

Though the thing is, she is broken inside so I hope she is working on herself by doing counseling as well on her own (with the same person you use for marriage counseling).

[2sunny]

Is it possible? Sure!!! It usually takes 2-5 years of intensive hard work. Most of that is done by her since she damaged the M. She must be willing to get brutally honest, offering you peace of mind and transparency at every motion and thought she has.

 

It will come a time when she's a half hour later than she should be and you'll be "wondering". Can you live with that? I hope so!

 

Is it easy? Hell no! She will need to EARN your trust back! She also needs to let her Mom in on this too because she also used her Mom and lied so that her Mom could watch the kids while she banged him for hours on end.

 

And she must get to a point where you no longer recognize her "old" self. The cheater that she's been. You think that happens quickly? Nope!

 

 

And IF anyone leaves it should be HER, not you. You stay in the house and she moves without all her comforts. Like money, credit cards, a car, etc. the idea is that she didn't honor what you provided for her so why should she have privy to all the conveniences a truly good wife should have?

 

If she looks even remotely like her old self - she's ready to cheat again. Cheaters cheat for a thrill. The thrill is gone now and she's attempting to overcompensate for her bad behavior. Don't go for that - it's just part of the cover up. It would be better if she OFFERED every little price of info you need. Like has there been others? Because these TWO you found out about - what if there were others too? It's possible considering she didn't take her vows seriously.

 

 

You will decide what's best for you when the time is right. I hope you think about what life you deserve to live. Obviously this isn't the life you imagined.

 

Can it get better? Yep! But it usually gets worse before it gets better - mainly because you don't yet have all of her truth. Be ready, it's never easy.