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I still have moments and questions


idkwsstf

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I am the OW, I am married and have 3 children. I’ve been with my husband 10 years. I had an affair or 5 and a half years with a former co-worker. When I first met him, he was dating another co-worker (he was separated from his wife at the time). I always thought he was good looking but that was the extent of it, we were very professional. I left the company for a few years and when I returned he called one day and told me it was nice to have me back. In our conversation I told him I used to have the biggest crush on him and I thought he was so nice. After we hung up, I felt so stupid and embarrassed. I was very happy with my husband, we had the best marriage. He is fun, he’s always the life of the party and anyone who meets him loves him. I always said if I wanted out I would just say, but I would never cheat.

 

Before I knew it, this guy was flirting with me, and I liked it. Just innocent at first then a co-worker noticed and asked me about it. I found his number in the company directory and text him to let him know someone questioned our interactions, he text back and we ended up texting all day. The next morning I was surprised but excited to see he text me good morning. Again we text all day. That was the beginning of the affair. For a few months we text and I knew it was wrong because I would delete everything before I got home and my husband didn’t know about him, but I looked forward to hearing from him everyday. One day I felt bad and decided to end it, I told him what we were doing was wrong and even though we hadn’t done anything physical it was an emotional affair. He agreed and apologized and we stopped texting. I left the company again so never saw him which made it easy, then one day I saw him at the movies. That night and for the next few days I couldn’t stop thinking of him, so I text… I said I missed him and was thinking of him and hoped he wasn’t upset I was reaching out. He text back that he missed me very much and thought of me often. From then on we text for another year and a half with an occasional meet up for a hug. We never did anything physical, but would flirt a lot and even sext a little.

 

For my birthday he asked what I wanted and I said a kiss, thinking it was never going to happen. He told me to pick him up at the gym and I did. Never ever did I think that would happen, but here we were in my car parked in a secluded neighborhood alone. We kissed then again the next day and the next and the next. About 2 weeks after the 1st kiss we decided to rent a hotel room. No pressure to have sex, just spend a day together, make out a little… of course we ended up having sex. We talked that day about our families and how we couldn’t risk anyone knowing. We talked about not falling in love, looking back now, I think we already were.

 

He has 2 kids and has been married almost 20 years, other than venting about the occasional fight with the spouse, we both talked highly of our spouses and were very open about when we had sex with them. We promised to be the best spouses, and parents and whatever we had with each other was just between us. My mom left my dad for another man when I was 14 and seeing what it did to me, my sister and step brothers has always bothered me and I never wanted to put myfamily though that, so this worked.

 

Throughout this affair we had ups and downs like any relationship. Mostly good times. We talked all the time and even downloaded “hide text” apps so we could text evenings and weekends. He would bring me treats to work like Starbucks or candy. We tried to see each other at least once a week, but more if we could. I knew when he was having a bad day, or had good news, I knew when hi0 skids were stressing him out or having an event, I knew when he was sick, I knew his humor and favorite things. He knew all those things about me. He told me he loved me first and from that day on we said it all the time. He called me baby or babe and told me if things were different I would be his wife. I broke it off a few times. Mostly for dumb reasons and a week, or two even a month later one of us would reach out to the other and we would be back together. By now this has been emotional for 2 years and physical for over 3.

 

This past New Year’seve he had a bad migraine and was at urgent care, we were texting all evening and at some point he said he was fighting with his wife. He later sent me a long text explaining everything the doctors told him and that he was tired so going to bed. At midnight he txt, “happy new year, I love you” the next day he text good morning and we started talking after a while Iasked if he and his wife were ok, he said it was crazy and one of my texts had gone through on his phone. He said It was a text saying, “I miss you”… I freaked out!! This was HUGE, scary and a risk to what we had… why didn’t he tell me the night before? I mean he had time to text me a long message about the doctor. I was confused and scared and here I am at the breakfast table with my kids. I went through the messages I had on my phone and realized I never sent a text saying “I miss you” to him that day or the day before. I asked him who it was from because I never text that. He said it must have been a glitch or something, but by now I’m doubting everything. He didn’t tell me right away, in fact I had to ask if he and his wife were ok. If my husband saw a text from him I would have told him first chance I got! Then realizing I didn’t say that to him made me wonder if he was talking to someone else. We were not in a good place for a couple of weeks and by mid Jan I was so doubtful about everything and he was getting tired of me questioning it, I broke it of once again. This time for quite a while, I even thought this was really it.

 

I went through so many break up phases, the crying, the anger, the bargaining. I decided to be a good wife and mother and move on from the whole thing. Every day was just a little bit better but I was still in a sad place about it when I saw him one day at a fast food restaurant me and my husband stopped to eat. When we came out I see him sitting in his SUV on his phone. It caught me by surprise to see him I wasn’t expecting it. I had so many emotions come over me. I felt sad and angry at the same time. I missed him. I thought about him all night. I know he knows what my husband drives and yet here he is parked a few rows down from his truck as if on purpose. I can honestly say if I saw him or his wife’s car somewhere I would have left the area, we were broken up and it had almost been 3 months… the longest ever. The next day he text me, and we talked all day. We caught up on the past 3 months and even joked and flirted a little. I had such a good day that day and realized how much he completed my world. The next day we text again and I asked if I could see him. I felt there were things left unsaid from the break up. We met and talked for a couple of hours. We both cried and he told me he loved me so much and would forever. I asked if now we would just be friends and he said he didn’t know how to be friends with me. We kissed and just like that, we were “us” again.

 

Looking back now, I don’t think I truly ever got over the NY eve text. We were back together, but now I questioned everything… who is that girl you started following on Instagram? Why did you comment on that girls FB status? Who is this girl from yourwork? It was even a little annoying to me. It was draining and stressful, but I had become insecure and untrusting. He didn’t help that situation much either with his inconsistency in explanations or the accidental text that was for his wife not me. Really? So we were fighting a lot more. When I questioned the follow on Instagram, he deleted everyone except for me and 3 others to prove a point that he has nothing to hide. I thought it was immature and extreme but ok. So now here we are late May and one morning he text me, “good morning, I love you” I text back, “morning babe, I love you,” then he replies, “I’m ok, tired… Yawn!!! How’s your day?” I say… I didn’t ask how your day was, not that I don’t care… but was that msg for me?? He says… LOL yes! My wife text and I was answering her question but was texting you. By now I’m again not trusting so I ask for a screen shot of the message from her. I mean if he was answering her, it would show her ask how his day was at the same time more or less I text him right. He said to me, "sure, I could but I’m not going to! I’m done with this, I can’t do it anymore." I told him if he had nothing to hide it wasn’t a big deal. He told me I was too jealous and he couldn’t take it anymore. Ummm wait, you will delete everyone… even your wife from Instagram to prove a point but you won’t show me a msg asking how your day was from your wife? Red Flag??

 

I realized as much as it hurt that him not showing me was a bad thing and once and for all I needed to move on. I didn’t text him anymore and a month passed. Again I was going through all the ups and downs of a breakup while putting on the happy wife face at home. One night being nosey on Instagram I looked him up and accidentally hit follow, I realized what I did and quickly took back the request. 5 min later he requested to follow me, ugh it was too late he saw my request even though I tried to undo it!! So I accepted his and resent a follow to him. The next day I text him that I was sorry about the awkward Instagram request, he said he was sorry he probably made it worse. We talked a little, but he was cold. Later that day I asked if we could talk, not meet up, just a phone call. He agreed so I called him. I cried a lot and told him I couldn’t understand how he could end it after he told me he couldn’t be without me, telling me I was his world and made him so happy. Why tell me all those things if they weren’t true? He had said he would always fight for us and do what he could to make us work, yet he broke up with me so easily. Deep into the conversation he had to go because he was meeting his wife at their daughter’s appointment. He told me to call him the next day to continue talking. I didn’t sleep at all that night, I lay in bed thinking about everything and wondering if we would get back together like always. I wasn’t ok with a lot of things so I would be settling, but I loved him so we could work them out. I mean my mind was so deep into the ifs and maybes. The next day I called him and he told me he had the screen shot of his wife’s text if I wanted to see it, I laughed and said it was not important… but truth is I wish I would have asked to see it just to know for sure! I asked if we could work it out and it was almost 6 years now and that was so long and so much of our lives. He said he can’t ever close the door on us forever because what we have is so rare and special, but right now we are not in a good place and we need to work on ourselves before we could be together. He even said he wasn’t sure we would ever get to a good place and be together. I was hurt to hear this, but at the same time it was an eye opener. Here I am, deeply in love with a man who has told me that I’m his person, his happy place, his world… he told me he can’t live without me and would always fight for us and never give up… ahhh but he was giving up on us, he wasn’t fighting for us. Actions… his actions are telling me the truth, and the killer is that my heart wanted to believe his words so badly. I told him I can’t wait around and torture myself wondering if in a week, or month or months if he’s ready to try again that would be unfair to do to anyone. I told him I was going to close the door on us for good. There was no more make ups, this was it. I think I wanted him to say, “Wait! No, I love you… I want to be with you no matter what… we will figure this out!!” But he didn’t

 

Driving home that day, right after that conversation, I thought I would cry. To my surprise I didn’t cry, I was ok. I always told myself I would never tell my husband about the affair, not ever. I had no intentions to ever tell him, why would I hurt the best man I’ve ever known? A man who treats me like a treasure (even if I don’t deserve it). When I got home that day he was in a good mood and met me at the door with a kiss. I went to our bedroom and changed out of my work clothes, we started to have conversation and I realized if I was going to really, truly shut this door for good I needed to do something drastic. I think I know myself well enough to know that even saying I was closing the door were only words but if he reached out to me in a few months or whenever I would probably jump right back in. So I asked my husband if we would ever survive and affair. He got uncomfortable and giggled awkwardly and asked why… I started to cry and told him I messed up. I told him I had an affair for 5 and a half years, that it ended in January (half truth) and that I was so very sorry.

 

That night was the worst night ever, he was so hurt and seeing him cry killed me. He never cries. The hurt I put on him was disgusting and the reality of the consequences stung worse than I could imagine. I hadn’t planned on telling him so I wasn’t ready for his questions or prepared to answer anything. He asked who it was with and I told him it didn’t matter. I told him the OM had a wife and kids and they are innocent and shouldn’t have to be hurt because I decided to confess. I was adamant about not revealing who it was. My husband doesn’t know him but I didn’t want to hurt the OM family. Before bed that night my husband said we wouldn’t move on until he knew who he was. The next morning I woke up and realized I owed my husband honesty for the first time in a long time he deserved to know the truth. I was ready to tell him who the OM was. He got ready for work and was angry, he said it felt like he was dreaming and this wasn’t true. He didn’t ask me that morning any questions just left for work.

 

I called the OM that morning, I left him a message on his cell telling him my husband found out and wanted to know who he was. I told him I hadn’t said yet but probably would and he didn’t have to return my call. He called me about 20 min later asking what happened. I lied and said my husband found a journal I had kept. He said he was sorry and couldn’t imagine and if I could please don’t give my husband his information. He said he was dealing with a lot after losing me (which was just the day before and mostly his choice!! Ummm so whatever). He said as soon as we hung up he was going to change his phone number. All I could think of was, wow, what a coward. I would have thought this would be his chance to say, I’m going to tell my wife myself so she doesn’t have to hear it any other way. He used to tell me all the time that other than what he had with me, he was a good man, honest with integrity and morals… isn’t that what a good man with honesty and integrity does? Somewhere in this conversation I told him how killing myself seems like my only escape (not that I would, maybe I wanted a rise out of him) he just said oh that’s how I would feel if my wife found out. I think I expected something more like, no, don’t talk like that, and we will get through this.

 

The next few days at home were horrific. I saw my husband go from sad to mad over and over again for days. We looked for a counselor immediately and had an appointment the following week. A few days after I told him he finally let me touch his arm and I cried, I hadn’t touched him in so long and it gave me hope and comfort. He finally asked who it was with and wrote down all his information as I told it to him. I admitted that although it ended in January, we started up again early March to late May and the day I told him I had talked to him seeing if we could ever be back again. I was going to tell the truth the whole truth so help me even if it killed me and sometimes it was awful but I had already lied for so long, it was time to turn this around and not half ass, but for real.

 

After about two weeks my husband decided the only thing he could do to the OM without hurting him physically or doing anything illegal was to tell his wife the truth. He went to their house and knocked on the door when he knew the OM was at work. No answer so he left a note on the door it was simple, just had her name said please call me with a phone number and his name. He went back a couple of hours later and the note was gone so he left another. The OM goes home a lot during the day so we were not sure who got the note. Later that day his phone rang and a girl says, “Hello, this is XX wife, I got his letter to call you, um what is this about?” my husband started to say, “this is about me finding out my wife and your husband were having an affair for 5years!” she said, “Let me stop you right there, I’m very aware of this situation and I don’t appreciate you leaving notes at my door harassing me! And do you think with the job you have (government job) you should be doing this?!” He realized this was not his wife, this girl was defensive and even the way she started the call saying she was his wife. My husband never said what it was about in the note. He told her when the real wife wants to call he would talk to her.

 

He drove over to the gym they work out at and waited to see if the wife showed up, but the only one who showed up was the OM. When he saw my husband’s truck he followed him out of the parking lot and onto a side street. About 15 min later he called my husband, saying he wanted to squash this and be done. He told him that his wife knew since January and they were dealing with it and he would appreciate it if he didn’t contact his wife anymore. My husband told him we would never be ok with this and it wasn’t over until he talked to his wife and not some fake person pretending to be her. The OM told him he would give him her number and he could talk to her… (ok wait, the “wife” said to stop harassing her. The OM said to leave her alone, but here he is giving my husband a number to reach her ??? Ummm inconsistent much?) My husband told him he didn’t want a number and until he talked to his wife face to face it wasn’t over!! During their call, my husband said he could hear a beep every 20 seconds or so, he asked the OM if he was recording the call, he said it must be a bad connection… wow, this whole time I thought he was this great guy, but you back him into a corner and true colors reveal themselves. I’m sad to see who he really is.

 

We let a week pass, to let the dust settle from all of that and after talking it over and knowing my husband does have a great job that isn’t worth the risk or problems, I would be the one to tell his wife. I knew the gym she went to, and where they lived but not much else on where to find her. She’s a teacher so they are out for summer. I wrote a letter with a lot of details about the affair. I told her we were mostly at her home and he would even remove a wedding photo from the wall when I went over. I told her enough details about times and places so she would know I wasn’t lying. I put my phone number in the letter for her to call me if she had questions or wanted to see any pictures I had. I also apologized profusely and said I would never contact her or her family ever again. When I saw her pull into the gym and I knew he was at work, I waited a little bit to get the nerve. When I walked up to her so smiled at me so sweet (I knew in that moment it wasn’t her who called my husband the week before, this woman had no idea) I handed her the letter and said, “I have to give you this, it’s not good and I’m so so sorry.” Her bottom lip started to quiver and she simply said okay… I turned and walked away.

 

Later that day she text me, “I need to know how many times you were at my house and how many times you had intercourse with my husband.” I text her back and simply told her the times. That was the only text she sent. I thought about it for a while and wondered why she worded it like that, how many times YOU had intercourse with MY husband… um lady, your husband had plenty of intercourse with me!! Dirty, sexy, hot, oral, all over your house kind of sex and you’re saying it like I raped him or something. I do realize I’m the bad guy here, so I let her have her moment and even would have understood if she called and told me off. What could I do? I was in the wrong. I felt horrible the next few days, I realized what a safe haven my home and bed are tome and couldn’t help but think I took that away from her. Her bed, her home everything sacred to her was now tainted by the OW. For a few days I felt horrible, I cried I hated myself I regretted the letter. One day she text me, it said, “I can’t believe you did this to my home, to my family. Never contact me or my husband again!” I was shaking when I read it, in a moment of anger I sent her a pictureof me and him laughing in bed, and I said, “Yes, what I did was horrible, but I didn’t marry you or make promises to you, he did so think about that. And I didn’t do this, we me and him we did this to our families.” Yes, I know I should not have sent the photo, I think in the moment I was feeling like she only blamed me and I wanted her to see he was just as much a part of it as I was. Even worse he tried to cover it up by having someone call and fake to be her!! (I told her all that in the letter too. So she knew.

 

I got homethat day and blocked her from calling or texting me, so if she has again I haveno idea. Slowly but surely my husbandand I are getting better. It’s not easyand we could be having good days and bam, just like that something happens toget is in a bad place. We are great atcommunicating and talking so that helps. It’s going to be an uphill climb but I have read so many successfulstories of couples who go through this and end up stronger than before, that ismy hope.

My questionsand comments:

 

Will myhusband ever really trust me again? Hesays he wants to and this totally blindsided him. So many couples say they saw it coming or hadan idea, he didn’t at all and I’m sure it’s because I really lived a doublelife it was part of the agreement with the OM.

 

Why does thewife only blame the OW? Doesn’t sherealize her husband was a big part of the affair? I actually have read so manyposts and wives totally blame the OW, saying the husband is weak to her and onand on… really? They are grownups, theyknow right from wrong, so really what’s the deal? This bothers me the most.

 

I mean ifthis wife knows it went on for so long, and in her home, does she only blameme? I also in the letter explained howwhen I met him he was dating a co-worker (he told me she never knew about thatand when they got back after their separation she asked if he had been withanyone and he said no.) So here is another lie I’m pointing out. Then I told her about the girl pretending tobe her. Does his wife put all thistogether on top of… she found out from me, not him!! Does she realize what she’sdealing with?

 

Does the OMhate me now? I mean why should I careafter typing out this long story it makes me realize he was not who I built himup to be anyway but I guess I’m curious, does he?

 

Quick sidenote, I read in one of the topics someone talking about how you will never everreally know the whole story or everything that happened. I disagree, I am willing to be very honestwith my husband and tell him anything he needs to know. Just thought I would say it depends on theperson really.

 

If you madeit through this long story and you have answers or comments for me, pleaseshare. I am open to criticism, butplease don’t be mean I know I was wrong.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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It sounds like you need some very serious counseling and you should do everything you can to make it up to your husband. Realize that divorce is his option and he has every right in the world to divorce you. Many here would say he should given how little respect you have shown to him. I wouldn't even say what you have is a marriage. It's been a giant farce the past 5 years.

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You say your H was the best man you've ever known. So with that said... He deserved this?

 

I beleive in intention. What was yours? You let the cat out of the bag to your H, not because of profound guilt...but because you thought that this would force the OM to leave his W for you.

 

Apparently this didn't work and getting some over the past 5 years on the side was good enough for him.

 

The OW in my situation called my H a coward too. But I let her know that he didn't want her. He wanted one thing and got it and was sorry he did after he realized what a psycho she was and how she was manipulating the situation the way she did.

 

It sounds like over the years YOU found excuses to text and let him know how you felt, wanted to meet up, then eventually had sex and hung in to that for 5 years. So what was the intention?

 

You had a great H. Why was he not enough? I don't know if I can say that he will get past your lies. The M has been a lie. Two men?

 

I agree that you need IC. If you witnessed this in your childhood, you are repeating the pattern. You say you don't want to, but I guess it's okay for this guy to walk away from his 2 kids for you?

 

You won't get any sympathy from me. I was a great wife, I never deserved to be hurt by my H. Thankfully his A was brief and he came to his senses. There is a lot to think about when it comes to people who have Long term affairs. I personally feel that is a deal-breaker. But everyone is different.

 

If your OM and his W split don't expect him to call you asking you to help him to pick up the pieces. I think he will realize how you created this and he may not want you in his life ever again. Being that you are still trying to contact the OM, expect your H to eventually walk away too.

 

BTW... You were not in a relationship. You were having an A. You were not a factor in that man's life. His shared his life, dreams and goals with his WIFE.

 

WAKE UP.

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Affairs really seem to bring out the very worst in people.

 

How will you explain this to your children later in life?

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GollumsNightmare

Wow. That's the most disturbing thing I have read in a long time. Would you let your husband read that post?

 

The vindictiveness of sending that picture to her is just beyond words.:sick::sick::sick:

 

Your only hope is counseling.

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I think its going to be an uphill battle to recover. You seem to want to protect the OM above your marriage and husband. And alittle to look forward to, it takes on aveage 10 months for a man to leave an unfaithful wife. It seems that his focus was on "getting the [?" Soon his focus will turn to you and what you've done to him.

 

Couple that with you really told your husband in hopes that he would end it, or that OM would follow suit and the two of you would ride off into the sunset hand and hand. Only you finally saw the OM for who he is a coward. Now as a backup you want to reconnect and save your marriage to a man you replaced 6 years ago. Not look good, it hard enough to rebuild with a WW who isn't still wanting the OM, but here???

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GollumsNightmare
um lady, your husband had plenty of intercourse with me!! Dirty, sexy, hot, oral, all over your house kind of sex and you’re saying it like I raped him or something

 

I can tell you from experience SHE is the one that feels raped when she finds out about what was done in her house. It nearly killed me. Literally.

 

Oh yes, the MM and his BW have most likely been to HELL and back because of what she found out the two of you did to your families. I know we have been. Gut wrenching, suicide watch type of HELL. She is not giving him a pass and only blaming you. They are probably just surviving right now. Barely.

 

Yes, the MM probably hates you now. You broke the bubble. You DELIBERATELY hurt his wife and outed him. He sees you in a whole new light now and it ain't rainbows and unicorns. My H takes full blame for what happened in the A. He has told me a full timeline and every disgusting detail. We are just starting to come out of the pit of it all. But H is pissed at the actions of the OW TOWARD ME since DDay. He says he sees her for what she truly is now. We are working toward indifference. That is what you should hope for too.

 

Grow up. You are an adult with children. You know what affairs do to families. Get counseling. Read everything you can. Learn to be a better person than what you have been in the past five years. It is not too late. Focus on your CHILDREN and your family. If you want to play around and act like you are not married then get a divorce but stop hurting everyone around you for some foolish side piece fun.

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If you are married, have three children and this is how you behave as a mother wife and an adult? I think you need some professional help. on your own words you said you have a good husband what else you need?

 

And how come you have an affair with a co- workers what is your dignity there at the company? Don't they call whore behind your back? And how have you been sleeping all the nights with this guilt?

 

I was a faithful wife till my divorce. Even my ex did bad things, I did not do the same to give him a lesson. Even now I am much careful when I am dealing with family men. I don't want no problems to families. I am much happy to see people who has good family lives. I bless them all. But you..........

 

your story honestly felt me so filthy dirt in you.

 

If you made it through this long story and you have answers or comments for me, please share. I am open to criticism, but please don’t be mean I know I was wrong.
what you expect a red carpet and glamor press conference?

Good mothers good faithful wives will tolerate what you have done you think?

Have you ever thought about your kids? your husband? How come you tell this story to your children? what do they feel about you? Do you think saying "I am sorry guys" would be enough.

I think you need serious help.

Will my husband ever really trust me again?
NO the trust is already broken 5 years is way long affair than 2 weeks or 3 weeks or just once had sex. If he forgive you he is a man like GOD in the other hand then he is a punk with no back born. But it is really up to him. You should not expect him to trust you either.

Why does the wife only blame the OW? Doesn’t she realize her husband was a big part of the affair? I actually have read so many posts and wives totally blame the OW, saying the husband is weak to her and on and on… really? They are grownups, they know right from wrong, so really what’s the deal? This bothers me the most.
Even if her husband was biggest part of affair there is non devastation like this if you have not supported it. Affairs does not begin with one side or one person even if he flirt you could easy ignore him. That is normally woman should do.

They are grownups, they know right from wrong
Really DID YOU? Before you criticize others observe your own self for your own good.

 

*you write here only your side and you blame the co- workers wife. I don't think that helps. Seek a mediator or some one who can help in a professional way. If you want to save your marriage from this nightmare. Honestly I don't know what to say to make you feel better.

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I do hope that you and your husband have been tested for STD's.

I feel so bad for your husband. He now must know that there has to be numerous times in 5 years that he was intimate with you after you had been with the OM. It seems that you have never really loved your husband or have any idea what love it. If the roles were reversed would you have wanted to remain with your husband?

 

It is good that you finally told your husband the truth. Since this affair went on for an unbelievable 5 years, is it possible that any of your children could be the OM's child?

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I do hope that you and your husband have been tested for STD's.

I feel so bad for your husband. He now must know that there has to be numerous times in 5 years that he was intimate with you after you had been with the OM. It seems that you have never really loved your husband or have any idea what love it. If the roles were reversed would you have wanted to remain with your husband?

 

It is good that you finally told your husband the truth. Since this affair went on for an unbelievable 5 years, is it possible that any of your children could be the OM's child?

 

If she do love her husband and if she do care for him or if she knows what is the meaning of love? I don't think so my friend. you made a good point too....

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I do hope that you and your husband have been tested for STD's.

I feel so bad for your husband. He now must know that there has to be numerous times in 5 years that he was intimate with you after you had been with the OM. It seems that you have never really loved your husband or have any idea what love it. If the roles were reversed would you have wanted to remain with your husband?

 

It is good that you finally told your husband the truth. Since this affair went on for an unbelievable 5 years, is it possible that any of your children could be the OM's child?

 

I guessing the chance that OM fathered one or more of the kids is pretty high since he seemed to have been her primary lover for over half of her marriage.

 

What gets me is it seems as if OP tried to manipulate the situation to end both marriages with actually doing it. The motivation and intent seem so clear to me. I thinking she will sabotage her marriage with so much focus still on OM and his wife and so little on her husband and family.

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I think you really need to consider leaving your H. I think just like your affair was fantasy land so is your belief that you really love your husband. 5 years of cheating makes that clear. He deserves to go find a better woman. I would push him to go into counseling and talk openly with others about what you have done. The more people that can help him heal will also help him realize he needs to be away from you. I would put your feelings aside of what you want for once and give him a chance to go find a better women.

 

He can be a great father and not be with you. I actually took custody of my kids when I divorce my cheating xW. I would think for the kids sake and his you would step back and go work on you. I can hope you will do some of this but I honestly have to agree with the others. It sounds like you are just protecting the OM and you truly only care about you.

 

Clay

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I dont think the OP has done something more horrible than most of people posting here. She obviously doesnt love her H, but the OM. She is still very attached to him and emotional, hence her strong reactions to his wife's texts. She needs to reconsider if she wants to stay married. I dont think this is fair to her H.

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I think this story sheds light on two myths that waywards offer throw out there.

 

1) affairs don't affect kids, and they won't repeat them.

 

2) women happy in their marriages don't cheat

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OP, break up with your "husband" and get into counselling, a psychologist might help you as well. Or google "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" and decide if you really want to get help at all.

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I sent her a pictureof me and him laughing in bed, and I said, “Yes, what I did was horrible

 

That was an selfish move to pull and shouldn't have happen you said you did it out of anger,but the only person you should be angry with is yourself.Now this poor women is stuck with the mental picture of the betrayal you and her husband caused

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Ummm we'll that was weird and interesting. Some comments made I can appreciate, some are just very judgmental and cruel. I thought this was a place to share my experience as the top of the forum says. I thought I was clear in my story, but so many comments seem to think I wanted to be with the OM in the end. That was never the intention. Earlier today I wanted to reply clearing some things up, defending some things (like the fact that I'm a good mom despite the affair) but then I started to really surf this forum and found others get judged and frowned upon for things they post and they keep on posting and have even found others who understand them or have good advice not just a good ol bashing. Then I called my best friend and told her I should never have posted my story because I got such negative feedback, but then she reminded me that I told a story to strangers who are allowed to not see me as a person, and who cares anyway. Life goes on

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Ummm we'll that was weird and interesting. Some comments made I can appreciate, some are just very judgmental and cruel. I thought this was a place to share my experience as the top of the forum says. I thought I was clear in my story, but so many comments seem to think I wanted to be with the OM in the end. That was never the intention. Earlier today I wanted to reply clearing some things up, defending some things (like the fact that I'm a good mom despite the affair) but then I started to really surf this forum and found others get judged and frowned upon for things they post and they keep on posting and have even found others who understand them or have good advice not just a good ol bashing. Then I called my best friend and told her I should never have posted my story because I got such negative feedback, but then she reminded me that I told a story to strangers who are allowed to not see me as a person, and who cares anyway. Life goes on

 

OP

Help your husband heal.

Go buy him 3 DNA kits at walmart.

That would be a good start then get ic you cannot rugsweep this.

Put yourself in his shoes.

Five freaking years!

Oh if you notice I'm not bashing you but you have to do some major heavy lifting.

Stay for a while.;)

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Thank you Tom! I am working very hard at making a complete turn around. I communicate constantly with my husband and my heart is truly in the right place (where I know it should have been all along). There is so much freedom when an affair ends that I never realized. I never married my husband with the intention to hurt him or cheat. I wish I had some reason or explanation why I did it, but I don't :(

 

My kids are older... 19, 16 & 12. I was married very young to my 1st husband and divorced at 26. Btw, I didn't cheat on him, he was abusive and it took me a while to get out. (Just wanted to clarify).

 

This whole situation isn't black and white, there is so much grey in between, some people understand that and some don't. I can accept that

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OP

 

I agree, you have been subject to attack here and not much support :mad:

 

However I think it would help if you could clarify what you want. Are you wanting to reconcile your marriage? If so, what have you and your husband being doing to work on reconciliation? If not wanting to reconcile, what are you doing to end the marriage?

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I thought I was clear in my story, but so many comments seem to think I wanted to be with the OM in the end.

 

I read your story quickly because it was so long, but the only thing that I remember is your strong love for the OM... your jealousy, your desperation, your tenderness, your passion for him... it was like a romantic movie plot.

 

Now you claim that you never wanted to be with OM and that you love your H.

 

Love means giving yourself totally. This is so sad... it looks to me you dont love fully neither OM nor your H. And if this is the case (at least it is obvious to me you dont love your H), better find someone you can love fully and set your H free.

 

I have to add it was my case... I realized (after several infatuations) that I didnt love my H and he found love the same month I left him (we have 2 kids btw).

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I do hope you try to help your husband heal.

 

Have you written a timeline of the A for him?

 

You spent over 5 years doing so many things for the OM.

 

You know your H quite well. What have you done for him with all your time and energy?

 

I hope you have stopped all contact with the OM. If you still work with him, one of you should find a different job.

 

I think that would be hard on your H to have you still in contact with the OM.

 

I am glad that you told your H the name of the OM.

 

I do hope you put your H as a priority. If you could give him the results of the std tests, that would also show him that you are clean.

 

If you put yourself in his shoes, would you forgive him if he had an A over so long of a period?

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You repeatedly sought out the MM .. Over and over. You were very needy, desperate and jealous over a MM?

 

Does your H know all of the truth, or just the edited version? Let him read your post here, so he has all the information possible.

 

As for the MMs wife, what do you expect? You KNEW he was married. She can't Believe a womam chose to have an affair with a MM - and have sex all over her home - for 5 years. Don't concern yourself with their marriage...what she says and feels towards her spouse is none of your business. Of course she blames you for your part...you are far from innocent. You pursued a MM. Stop trying to hurt her more, such as sending the picture. That was childish and very immature. Leave her alone. Get into counseling and figure out why you did what you did.

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OH MY GOD!! WHAT!? That's so awful and I'm really sorry that happened to you. I mean, not to derail this thread but lady, the fact that you're not writing this from a jail cell is something I must commend you for. That woman would've been a stain in the truck of my car after some crap like that. :sick:

 

Yes, that was the toughest pill to swallow. If I had a printout of all of the texts or voice recordings of all of their conversations I doubt that I would have stayed. My H was embarrassed and extremely remorseful when those pics were sent to me. My thoughts... well I was destroyed that day.

 

That witch sent it after trying to have what she called a "nice conversation" with me. All the while I was shaking and upset. It was clear her intention was to hurt me. I guess by doing this she thought I would easily release my H so he could have her. She mentioned her attraction to both men like the OP here.

 

I felt the woman had deep issues that could only be handled by a therapist. After that one call there was no need to entertain any more nonsense. Reacting violently would have been the old me.

 

But that home wrecker was not worth me getting myself locked up for. My kids and I are worth more than that. If my H wanted her he could have had her. I told him that evening that he should pack his s*** and go to her. But he cried and said he didn't want to and was upset that she even had that conversation with me and claimed that most of what she said was lies.

 

Of course I didn't believe all of that, since I was living a lie while he was telling lies to my face. It took some time for me to recover from all of that but I did.

 

The images never go away though. I do think of it less now. Its a part of this M that will always make me feel like I was not the true love of my H's life. It was never just about me and him. A part of me feels that this is an evil behavior, borderline criminal. I didn't expect him to do this to me or to us. He is trying to be a different person now.

 

We take our R day by day. Hoping that one day I can say that we are fully recovered of this. My heart loves him. But I know we have a long way to go.

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