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Concerns about my "transformed" wife


Hammerfell

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Hi Everyone,

 

I've been lurking on LoveShack for about a year hoping to come across peoples’ experiences that mirror what I'm currently going through, hoping to gain some insight into my situation.

 

I'll cut straight to the point because this is a long post. This is just an advice seeking thread. At this time, there are no confirmed instances of infidelity (and I'd like to keep it that way).

 

I'm finding that I can't make it through the day without spending hours dwelling about the concerns that I’m having about my wife. Having lurked for so long, I trust the wealth of knowledge that many of you will have to share based on your experiences.

 

For starters, I'm a married 35 yr old father of 2. My wife and I have been married for almost 11 years. We're both professionals as far as employment goes.

 

Like most marriages we've had our ups and downs but for the most part, we're cool. Over the past year, we’ve done monthly marriage counseling sessions where the focus for me has been communication and self-esteem and for my wife, anger management.

 

About 3 years ago, my wife decided to commit herself towards a goal of losing weight. At this point, she was in excess of 200lbs and very unhappy with herself and life in general.

 

As chance would have it, one of her co-workers (Let's call him Ed) recently opened up his own MMA gym as a side business as well as offering personal training to those interested. Since their office had a gym facility, she would arrange to meet up with him early in the morning at work to do some exercises prior to starting her work day. She was very open in her communication about Ed and the exercises that she would do, so I didn’t have any suspicions about the two of them. At one point, however, she did suggest that if the roles were reversed and I was meeting up with a female coworker every morning at work to exercise, she would feel jealous. With that, she asked if I had any concerns with what she was doing and I told her that I trusted her.

 

The issue that I’m having is how much my wife has changed as a person ever since meeting Ed. The person she is now is a huge contradiction to the person she used to be. It's actually scary.

 

Physical Change: As time went on, she got a membership at his gym and started doing some of the classes. With her encouragement, I joined as well. We started off doing strength/conditioning classes. Then she dropped a bomb on me one day saying that she wanted to start training to actually fight in the ring. Knowing what I knew about her, I found this to be very uncharacteristic. I have to admit that she’s benefitted from all of this because, today, she’s down 80lbs and she looks incredible, like those girls on the fitness magazine covers. People who've gone a few months or years without seeing her have trouble believing it's the same person. She now participates in fights (in the ring), runs distances that would previously have been thought laughable to her, and is now on the way of becoming a certified personal trainer. I know... wow! Most people assume that I’m ecstatic about her transformation. Don’t get me wrong, she looks great, but it’s come at a cost. She’s also shaved off her hair into a super short style and sports a tattoo. Clothing is now very tight and revealing as well. She’s much more confident and outgoing… sometimes I feel like I hardly recognize her.

 

Family Time: “Obsessed” doesn’t even begin to describe the way that she now approaches fitness and her other newfound interests. It’s actually become a source of resentment for me since she literally spends all of her time away from me and the kids focusing on her training. She can easily go an entire day without seeing the kids because she’ll leave early in the morning to go to work and will go to the gym after work until late at night, after the kids have gone to sleep. Since she’s so exhausted when she gets home, I literally have a 5 minute window to initiate sex before she falls asleep. It’s not that easy when my mind is plagued with doubt.

 

Facebook: She and I essentially had an understanding that neither of us would join Facebook because of all the marital problems we’d heard others experience as a result. We had to dodge pressure from our friends to join. She explained to her friends and co-workers (including Ed and other male friends) that even if she WAS to join, she wouldn’t friend them because she’d have a “no guy friend” policy. Well, one day while going though the browser history, I saw several Facebook links. Turns out she joined and said nothing to me about it until a few days after I’d already discovered it. When I asked her why, she said that it was so that she could see pictures of her friend’s baby (Bull). She’s not too creative with her passwords. I figured hers out and took a look at her friend list. She’d gone ahead and added guys (Ed and other guys from the gym) as friends. Big contrast to what she said she wouldn’t do IF she were to join Facebook. And I have yet to see these baby pictures from her friend.

 

Conservatism: She was once the type to screen everything the kids watched and heard. Hated violence on tv and taught Sunday school. Now, she’s completely different. She encourages me to bring the girls to watch her fight when, not long ago, I got nailed to the cross for letting our daughter play Wii Boxing. She’ll root and cheer while watching MMA matches on TV (something she never showed an interest in before). And she’s given up her Sunday school job because it was interfering with her workout schedule.

 

Her Phone: Probably one of my more paranoid observations, but I can’t help but feel creeped out by the fact that she’s become very guarded with her phone (i.e. password protecting, she never used to do that). At any given moment, she face down texting like a mad woman with a huge grin on her face. When I ask who she’s texting or what’s putting such a big smile on her face it results in little to no answers. Sadly, I’ve gotten into the habit of checking her phone and reading her messages. I haven’t seen anything to suggest an affair, but just a person that I don’t recognize when she’s communicating with her friends. Using language that she doesn’t use with me and discussing topics I never knew she had an interest in.

 

It’s been a few years and Ed and I are now good acquaintances and my wife and his wife are very close. Sadly, I feel like my wife, despite her assurances to me, might have developed feelings for him at some point and that these feelings triggered a massive change in her personality. Even the way I’d see her perk up and giggle whenever she was around him and then deflate once it was back to being just the two of us. I’ve found that everything that he expresses an interest in (certain musicians, certain sports) are things that she now spends an unreasonable amount of time investing an interest in. It’s like when a teenage girl first meets a guy she likes, finds out he likes rap, and then spends the next 24 hours memorizing as many lyrics to rap songs as possible.

 

I’ve confronted her a few times with my concerns and observations. On one occasion, she cried. I don't think it was out of guilt, but simply out of finally realizing the affect that her new personality was having on me.

 

I’ve never accused her of a physical affair (I trust her enough to know she wouldn’t take it there), but even the thought of an emotional one would really upset me. She’s assured me that their friendship is platonic but she also accuses me of being jealous and lacking confidence in myself. Also, I don’t believe that he’s the aggressor in this situation. He’s that guy who just has the magnetic personality that introverted guys like me often envy. He and I are actually very similar in terms of demographics and cultural background. He’s just got a big personality that a lot of people are drawn to, which is why I guess I treated him as a threat. He's the more confident version of me. As I mentioned earlier with the counseling, I have confidence issues to address. After sharing this with my wife, she said that it actually wouldn't be the first time that he's been accused interfering in a relationship. Seems that other boyfriends and husbands have felt threatened by him.

 

My other fear is that he may have filled an emotional void when he helped my wife achieve her weight loss target. Earlier in our marriage, she’d made some attempts to get me to work out with her but since I didn’t have any concerns about my weight, I didn’t prioritize this as much as I should have, so things would fall apart. And we’re all familiar with the popular trope where the lonely wife falls in love with her personal trainer because he “believed in her”. After she lost her weight, she told me once that she blamed me for having kept the weight on for so long because I didn’t make any effort to tell her that she was fat and unattractive. That really hurt me.

 

To be fair, as I continue to communicate my feelings and concerns to her, I can see her making increased efforts to make sure that I feel “involved” in her life. She’ll encourage us to go out on more dates, and her Facebook page has a lot more “us” pics to go along with her many “look at how much weight I’ve lost” pics. As I continue to address her increased absence, she does nice things to make me feel loved and appreciated.

 

People have approached me and have asked how we're doing. I guess they're looking in from the outside and noticing how much she's changed and whether it's affecting us. A lot of articles on the internet about transformed wives that lead to jealousy and divorce. She's told me that people have been checking in with her as well.

 

I’ve brought my story here because I know that nothing is guaranteed. If I’ve learned anything from your stories, it’s that even the most CERTAIN spouse can be caught by surprise. I think that some of you will identify certain red flags with what I’ve shared… I just want to get some tips on how to make sure I’m protecting my marriage.

 

I just poured my thoughts out so sorry if things seem scrambled and unorganized.

 

I really appreciate those of you who've taken the time to read this long post.

Edited by Hammerfell
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Hello and welcome!!

 

I think you are jealous of your wife's new and improved self. Seems like she's a much happier person and like you're feeling left in the dust. This is understandable. So!! Make yourself a part of her life again. Tell her you'd like to be more involved. Maybe you can gain some of the outward confidence and strength that she seems to like in her trainer...

 

I'm not saying what she's doing is "right". Especially neglecting the children. And neglecting you emotionally and sexually.

 

There's got to be a way to meet in the middle. She seems to care about how you feel and is making changes to make you more comfortable. So keep talking!!

 

As for her new attitude regarding violence. She's passionate about MMA. That's cool. She tries to include the kids and you in her passion. That's really cool!! She's changed. Change with her, or you're dead in the water.

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The fact that you've secretly checked her phone and facebook and found nothing is actually a pretty reassuring sign. I could be wrong but my gut says you're right about there being no physical affair, even with many of the typical red flags.

 

I noticed that you used the word, resentment. In my experience, it occurs when conflict is avoided. Most people are conflict-avoidant. It's natural. Unfortunately, that well-intentioned conflict-avoidance is a huge contributor to building resentment. And resentment will KILL a marriage. It sounds like you talk about concerns with some frequency. Awesome. Keep doing that. I think the speed-bump you're actually hitting is more about how to resolve the conflict. I would step up th MC to at least once every two weeks or even weekly. I'm actually a bit concerned about how vulnerable YOU would be to an affair as your conflict is not being resolved (at least not sufficiently for you) and that resentment is setting in. I'm not saying you'll go seek out an affair. But perhaps given a real opportunity, you'd be more vulnerable than you think. Get the conflict resolved. The cost and time spent is irrelevant when you consider that there's really no better investment.

 

Otherwise, I strongly recommend that you both read, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Even if she hasn't started an affair, it may stop a developing EA in its tracks.

 

Good luck to you.

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Hi Everyone,

 

... “Obsessed” doesn’t even begin to describe the way that she now approaches fitness and her other newfound interests. ...

 

Facebook: ... Turns out she joined and said nothing to me about it until a few days after I’d already discovered it. ...

 

Her Phone: ...When I ask who she’s texting or what’s putting such a big smile on her face it results in little to no answers. ... a person that I don’t recognize when she’s communicating with her friends. ...

 

 

People have approached me and have asked how we're doing. ...

 

 

I think that some of you will identify certain red flags with what I’ve shared… I just want to get some tips on how to make sure I’m protecting my marriage.

 

...

 

 

Ok I've left above the things that stand out to me.

 

 

I think an obsession with things such as health, diet, physical fitness, weight, appearance, texting and Facebook can happen to anyone not just someone in or contemplating an affair. It's really an addiction. However the first steps in getting rid of these sorts of addictions is firstly for your wife to acknowledge them as addictions/obsessions and secondly she has to want to no longer be governed by them. Perhaps a discussion is in order about any adverse affects of these things on herself and others. Good luck with this though as personally I've never had much success with getting people to realise their addictions and obsessions, they usually need to work it out for themselves.

 

 

The real red flags for infidelity are the lies (eg about Facebook and texting). Do you know that many people in affairs disguise their affair partners either as a same-sex friend or even someone you know? As you have access to her Facebook page I suggest you check the private messages in Facebook and also find out the phone number of the texting friend and call this person up to see if she (or he) is really the person named in your wife's contacts.

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Hello and welcome!!

 

I think you are jealous of your wife's new and improved self. Seems like she's a much happier person and like you're feeling left in the dust. This is understandable. So!! Make yourself a part of her life again. Tell her you'd like to be more involved. Maybe you can gain some of the outward confidence and strength that she seems to like in her trainer...

 

I'm not saying what she's doing is "right". Especially neglecting the children. And neglecting you emotionally and sexually.

 

There's got to be a way to meet in the middle. She seems to care about how you feel and is making changes to make you more comfortable. So keep talking!!

 

As for her new attitude regarding violence. She's passionate about MMA. That's cool. She tries to include the kids and you in her passion. That's really cool!! She's changed. Change with her, or you're dead in the water.

 

I've tried thinking about the word that I'd use to describe how I feel about her new self. It might be close to jealousy... but not quite since my goal has never been weight loss.

 

I do think that she now draws a lot more attention from men... something I'm not used to. MC says that I should enjoy this. In that sense, I do feel jealous and possessive.

 

As for her attitude towards violence... in and of itself, it seems like nothing. That's why I tried to provide the context of it being a 180 of how she used to be and my amazement at how this guy was able to turn her into someone new. It bugged me that he was able to rub off on her in that way.

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The fact that you've secretly checked her phone and facebook and found nothing is actually a pretty reassuring sign. I could be wrong but my gut says you're right about there being no physical affair, even with many of the typical red flags.

 

I noticed that you used the word, resentment. In my experience, it occurs when conflict is avoided. Most people are conflict-avoidant. It's natural. Unfortunately, that well-intentioned conflict-avoidance is a huge contributor to building resentment. And resentment will KILL a marriage. It sounds like you talk about concerns with some frequency. Awesome. Keep doing that. I think the speed-bump you're actually hitting is more about how to resolve the conflict. I would step up th MC to at least once every two weeks or even weekly. I'm actually a bit concerned about how vulnerable YOU would be to an affair as your conflict is not being resolved (at least not sufficiently for you) and that resentment is setting in. I'm not saying you'll go seek out an affair. But perhaps given a real opportunity, you'd be more vulnerable than you think. Get the conflict resolved. The cost and time spent is irrelevant when you consider that there's really no better investment.

 

Otherwise, I strongly recommend that you both read, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Even if she hasn't started an affair, it may stop a developing EA in its tracks.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thanks for the response. What you've mentioned is basically what I'm trying to work on in terms of communication. You're right in that I've always been anti-conflict so I try as much as possible to get my point across without creating any.

 

As far as where she now focuses all her time, I'm struggling with finding a way to say, "Don't spend so much time out at the gym" without feeling like I'm placing restrictions on something that she loves to do.

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I have gone up and down in my weight from a 135 lbs (pre-kids) tri-athlete to a 253 lbs rolling ball of blubber post kids and now a 196 lbs doing body-builder crossfit stuff lean and mean...

 

My personality changed too and i am a trainer now and if she was depressed about her weight, this is her new high! She is going all the way because she is loving it and the attention it brings her and how she feels about herself. Great for her!

 

I actually disagree with other posters about you being jealous... maybe they are picking up language or tone in what you write but i don't detect it. You are however not telling her what you are writing here and that needs to change.

 

While she may not be cheating, if it were my wife putting passwords on phones and lied about facebook, it would be on and resolved... end of story. Those are huge, huge problems... the lying. You need to set ground rules to be able to have transparency, why does she need passwords and why did she violate the facebook rule...there is such a thing as email.

 

Also if you see her texting so much and the texts don't match the bill or PM's in facebook, then she is using another app and that would be another red flag to me.

 

Most importantly... Neglecting her family and change of habits with the kids and less time with them.... that's a no no. My wife and have 3 kids and are both gym rats, the kids come with us most times or with either of us when solo. Not acceptable to me.

 

 

She may not be cheating but why all the secrecy and lies? I would be on guard... it is an "opportunity" that seems to be simmering for now (the lies and secrecy bothers me). She once asked you if you were comfortable with things she did and how she would be jealous... in this case you are clearly bothered and need to start telling her now you do need to stop avoid it and get to the root of how you feel with her. That is the bottom line.

Edited by atreides
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I'm curious where his wife is in all this. Do you think she's uncomfortable or feels threatened?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I've often wondered that myself. It wouldn't surprise me if they've had their own conflicts at home regarding the amount of females that seem to get drawn towards Ed.

 

I try to observe her whenever we go out... and we've all gone out together on many occasions. She's the quiet one in the relationship... I guess opposites attract. Very insecure about her physical image. It's interesting that she's struggling to lose weight yet she's married to the guy who seems to be doing wonders for so many other people.

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As far as where she now focuses all her time, I'm struggling with finding a way to say, "Don't spend so much time out at the gym" without feeling like I'm placing restrictions on something that she loves to do.

 

I hear ya but spending less times with the kids and such, she can just mange the time better. We all do, she is on a high and putting everything she has into fitness but no matter what she has to balance that with her other responsibilities, no harm and coming right out and saying it.

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I have gone up and down in my weight from a 135 lbs (pre-kids) tri-athlete to a 253 lbs rolling ball of blubber post kids and now a 196 lbs doing body-builder crossfit stuff lean and mean...

 

My personality changed too and i am a trainer now and if she was depressed about her weight, this is her new high! She is going all the way because she is loving it and the attention it brings her and how she feels about herself. Great for her!

 

Sometimes, when I'm able to clear all the bad thoughts out of my head, I take a step back and see things just as you've described them. She's in a much better place now and she's happy. I have to keep reminding myself of this and telling myself that this is a good thing.

 

I actually disagree with other posters about you being jealous... maybe they are picking up language or tone in what you write but i don't detect it. You are however not telling her what you are writing here and that needs to change.

 

We've had a few discussions, but in one instance, I wrote a letter that described a lot of what I've shared here. It wasn't as direct... but that's because of the issues we're working on. Me: Communication and Her: Anger. I didn't want to cause another explosion.

 

While she may not be cheating, if it were my wife putting passwords on phones and lied about facebook, it would be on and resolved... end of story. Those are huge, huge problems... the lying. You need to set ground rules to be able to have transparency, why does she need passwords and why did she violate the facebook rule...there is such a thing as email.

 

When I pressed her about the Facebook thing a while later, I got her to confess what I was suspecting... which is that she actually wanted to start using it as a networking tool to get herself better acquainted with other fighters and organizers in the local fighting community. Given that it looked a bit desperate during her "obsessing" phase, she opted to use the "my friend's baby's pictures" explanation instead. As for her friending other guys, she shrugged and said that she did break a rule there. Again, assuring me that nothing will happen... but her willingness to break the rule so that it didn't apply to her is one of those "changes" in her that bothers me.

 

Most importantly... Neglecting her family and change of habits with the kids and less time with them.... that's a no no. My wife and have 3 kids and are both gym rats, the kids come with us most times or with either of us when solo. Not acceptable to me.

 

In fairness, I will say that my family is a lot like yours. Our kids come with us to the gym when we're both exercising together and they also come to their own kid-level classes. So it has become a family activity.

 

 

She may not be cheating but why all the secrecy and lies? I would be on guard... it is an "opportunity" that seems to be simmering for now (the lies and secrecy bothers me). She once asked you if you were comfortable with things she did and how she would be jealous... in this case you are clearly bothered and need to start telling her now you do need to stop avoid it and get to the root of how you feel with her. That is the bottom line.

 

Yes! And this is why I've brought it here. I don't want to sit back and watch things unfold in front of me when all the signs were there for me to pick up on.

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We've had a few discussions, but in one instance, I wrote a letter that described a lot of what I've shared here. It wasn't as direct... but that's because of the issues we're working on. Me: Communication and Her: Anger. I didn't want to cause another explosion.

 

Explode!??? ok ... has she also been this way or this something new?

 

 

When I pressed her about the Facebook thing a while later, I got her to confess what I was suspecting... which is that she actually wanted to start using it as a networking tool to get herself better acquainted with other fighters and organizers in the local fighting community. Given that it looked a bit desperate during her "obsessing" phase, she opted to use the "my friend's baby's pictures" explanation instead. As for her friending other guys, she shrugged and said that she did break a rule there. Again, assuring me that nothing will happen... but her willingness to break the rule so that it didn't apply to her is one of those "changes" in her that bothers me.

 

Tell her its not about the future as in "nothing will happen" ... she lied... I would not let that go and have her reverse it. She can maintain a fighter profile with network but she needs to reverse what she did, no need to have them friended. I mean ... so she get's to break rules and have no consequences?

 

 

I am glad about the family thing but you did express concern about her time with the kids so i responded to that.

 

I would like to know more about this anger if it's new or old... if it's new then that is an issue and she is defensive... you need to remind her how open she was in the beginning as you wrote in the first post.

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Well, I agree with the poster that said many people having affairs put the affair person as a same sex name, like if your wife put Ed in there as "Nancy".

 

She's just too secretive and lying now to get what she wants - but knowing it hurts you yet she does it anyway isn't right or good for the M.

 

If she enjoys the M she needs to act like it. She should be spending time at home with the kids while the evening approaches.

 

Being so hyper focused on her interests is not a gal that acts married. There's no way to be a good mom and wife when you leave before the kids get up and back home after they are in bed.

 

But neglecting to make YOU her TOP priority tells me she's moved your M down the list of her interests/priorities.

 

You know, it looks like she's cheating. If you choose denial you could go on years feeling neglected. Are you willing to start digging deeper to be certain she's not cheating? I'd bet money she is.

 

Balance isn't something she's practiced. If nothing else just tell her if she wants to stay married to stop going morning and night - pick one or the other. Be home with family. And be home on weekends so the family has time to reconnect. If she won't - then she doesn't intend to be invested in the M and obviously someone or something is more important than you.

 

Just flat out tell her you're sick of her imbalance and ignoring her family! It's not an unreasonable request.

 

If she wants to act single then maybe she should be single.

 

State how you feel, be honest. Stick with a solid healthy boundary that works for you.

 

Most people who are married want to spend time together. It's interesting that she finds too many opportunities to be focused outside the home.

 

If she gets angry, that's a bigger problem.

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Well, I agree with the poster that said many people having affairs put the affair person as a same sex name, like if your wife put Ed in there as "Nancy".

.

 

Wait, i missed that, she changed the name of the sex? Oh hell yes... that is a major issue here. I don't like that one bit. Like i said in my previous post, because she lied... i am almost at the point because of the lie to just kill FB despite her wanting to network... she screwed up. Or make a non-person facebook page like a public figure page, out with less features..

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todreaminblue

I have gone through major transformations in a relationship.....i used to be military so when i really go for the fitness transformation i go for it...and its hard work.....my ex was supportive of me when i would transform i didnt talk to other guys though i know routines and kick boxing so i dont normally do the gym thing...kick boxing to em is more about self defense against being in a ring.....with no ring there.....i dont like to fight....but it is good to know in case i need to and it is good to have as a training workout..thers nothign like beign able to perform a flying roundhouse kick.......the sex i have with my partner becomes more not less..more adventurous....and frequent........but all my exes have been mainly fitness junkies(body builder bouncer) and fighters.....i have dated them as a bigger girl and they knew me as a friend first then got fit with them .....

 

i understand the complete change thing forgetting sunday school forgetting you and the kids....and family life in general...she must have been really unhappy with who she was and has gone radical./.....i am going to err on the side of caution and say that i believe counselling is needed ...i think emotionally she is vulnerable to cheat and i think that you need to pull together as a family her duties havent changed as mother and wife even if her body has....and her mind set......its great she has transformed ...but some of it isnt for the best and that needs compromise.....and maybe counselling i do think its likely that she is open to cheating maybe not yet but maybe soon......you need to be honest with her and how its affecting you...and the kids...appeal to her heart which always should be with her family and you.......deb

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Her Phone: Probably one of my more paranoid observations, but I can’t help but feel creeped out by the fact that she’s become very guarded with her phone (i.e. password protecting, she never used to do that). At any given moment, she face down texting like a mad woman with a huge grin on her face. When I ask who she’s texting or what’s putting such a big smile on her face it results in little to no answers. Sadly, I’ve gotten into the habit of checking her phone and reading her messages. I haven’t seen anything to suggest an affair, but just a person that I don’t recognize when she’s communicating with her friends. Using language that she doesn’t use with me and discussing topics I never knew she had an interest in.

 

 

At atreides:

No, I didn't say she was for sure.

 

I was pointing out that when when a spouse wants to hide opposite sex friends - sometimes they enter that persons name as a same sex name.

 

The password on the phone is new and odd. That smirk while she texts is the way I'd describe my exH expression when he texts with women he's interested in and flirting with.

 

She easily could be deleting texts. Check her call/text history on her phone bill. Check out numbers and frequency. See if she text the same person all day long.

 

I think the OP has a lot to be concerned about. She's not participating as a wife and Mother.

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whichwayisup

Your wife is having an inappropriate 'friendship with Ed. The texting and guarding her phone is a huge red flag. The amount of time at the gym, taking away family time isn't good.

 

She is detached and happy, but that happiness is selfish. It's all about her.

 

Does she take any interest in you, your day, etc? Do you two spend any one on one time together?

 

It’s actually become a source of resentment for me since she literally spends all of her time away from me and the kids focusing on her training. She can easily go an entire day without seeing the kids because she’ll leave early in the morning to go to work and will go to the gym after work until late at night, after the kids have gone to sleep. Since she’s so exhausted when she gets home,

 

she has to find a balance and stop going to the gym every night after work.

 

Fact that she gets angry about this when you bring it up isn't good either. Her reaction is over the top! Red flag.

 

Watch her closely. Look for other signs. Ask her why she's glued to her phone all the time.

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Finding no evidence in her phone & FB doesn't mean she isn't cheating.

 

Also her trying to show you that you are involved in her life including initiating more dates with you, doesn't mean she isn't cheating.

 

So, the situation is that there are a few red flags, and there is no sign to allay or disprove them. I heard so many times the phrase "I'm sure she is not cheating (PA)" and in the end the reality was proved otherwise.

 

I'm sorry but if i were you i would first rule out this possibility.

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Given everything you've stated, you should assume she is cheating.

 

This is not normal or appropriate behavior of a wife and mother. Everybody around her sees that.

 

My opinion is that your wife is deep deep deep into a emotional and physical affair and your marriage is in deep trouble. She could be already gone or very difficult to get back.

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twosadthings

There is an old saying that goes "Women marry men and want them to change and men marry women and hope they don't". It's obvious you are not happy with the changes in your wife and need to express that to her in a way that a common ground can be identified and met. Cheating or not you won't likely have a happy marriage until you do.

 

Twosadthings

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For your sake I hope this remains true that she's not involved with anybody else and she's not covering all her tracks. My wife used to delete stuff right away. Facebook messages, texts etc were deleted right after received to make it more difficult to find and use whatever it was as proof. Just keep an eye out. The fitness community is riddled with affairs.

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OP my thoughts ---

 

the change in attitude of W. that is very common when their weight/physical appearance changes greatly. my W is similar. heavy she is meek and reserved, thin she is very outgoing, but moody. actually she is the same person its that when she is thin she is more confident and therefore more expressive.

 

cheating. you have no evidence other than having a new set of friends. sorry, sports is male dominated, you have to expect her to have interactions with them.

 

FB. lets put aside 'things never change' and go with you state WE decided not to have accounts, are you certain she did not agree to that when she was heavy (meek?). so she opened an account, we will assume to hang with other MMA across the country. so why not tell you? is it because you are strongly against something she always wanted and is avoiding an argument? only you can answer. but leads to.....

 

understand she KNOWS of your insecurity. this may actually harm your R. there you are with your 'fears' and on the other side are MMA/roid/alpha males, brimming with confidence. what to do --- join a sports team. there are old man leagues for about everything. it does not have to be 'tough' just competitive. now you have something in common.

 

right now it seems W is looking to destroy her opponent and you are, well, playing detective.

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Sounds to me like your wife is involved in a one sided emotional affair. Maybe talking to her friends about her crush but not actually to him.

 

However sometimes you simply KNOW and don't really need proof. We seek proof because we can't admit or accept that this person would do this. Trust your gut. So many of us made the mistake of letting our hearts and pride over ride that gut feeling.

 

I actually filed for divorce without "proof" of her affair. Once she was served she told me everything in an effort to save the marriage. Women respond to strong actions not begging pleading and being weak.

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bubbaganoosh

It comes down to this. She took her new activity and turned it in to her lifestyle and in the process started neglecting her role as a wife and parent.

 

What you have to do is let her know that her new thing is now becoming a wedge in the marriage and the family home and it needs to be curbed and you need to say it in a way that she knows that your at the end of your rope with it.

 

Then the lying. Let her know that her lies and going behind your back is flat out bull $h!t and it' wont happen again. If she loses her temper and starts a fight over it, let her know that it's not open for discussion and she needs to either start acting like your wife and the kids mother or it won't be long before her hobby becomes the reason for the marriage falling apart and then ask her what is more important, getting her kicks in the ring or having a family.

 

It seems like she gained all the confidence in herself by taking yours and is becoming self centered.

 

My buddy had a wife who was a first class ladder climber at work and it became an obsession and she felt it was more important then my buddy and their son.

 

He asked her to curb it and it fell on deaf ears and he tried everything and finally eh just said the hell with it and he did all the things with his son and one day she came home, couldn't find them, called the cops and four days later they show up and she's screaming at him because she didn't know where they were.

 

He pointed to the fridge with a big piece of paper on it letting her know they went on vacation, that she was invited to go because he told her about it and she didn't hear him or blew it off. He told her that he asked her twice and she never answered so they went with out her.

 

Week later he had her served with divorce papers at work and when she got it, she then tried to change her tune but by then it was too late and she was gone, he got custody and she spent some time in jail for no support.

Edited by bubbaganoosh
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