was he cheating or am i crazy?

[lovelylady35]

Id been having a bad feeling about my boyfriend cheating and prayed to God for a sign, or for my boyfriend to admit that he has been cheating. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right, and I found out he even lied to me about a party he went to last weekend and said he didn't tell me because we had been having problems and he just wanted to spend time with friends. I don't care if he goes to a party I just don't like being lied to or things being hidden from me. We have had a few breakups and problems throughout our relationship. As I was cleaning yesterday, out of no where I found a reciept for flowers. When I called him about it, he said he didn't know where the reciept came from. It had the last 4 digits of his debit card. He then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't have been snooping around (which I wasn't) and that it was his money and he could do what he wanted. He bought them near his jobsite, and he doesn't have family in the area. He says he didn't give them to another woman, and he wasn't going to tell me who they were for because it was not my business and he felt I was trying to find something and felt like I was controlling him. I even let him explain himself so I would not think the worst, and he refused to tell me and said it was my choice to trust him or not. Just giving me a peace of mind wasn't important enough for him to tell me the truth. He even gave me the choice to stay with him or leave and said I could take my time to make my decision. Of course I wanted to believe him and was willing to work it out, but when I said he didn't have to be with me, he said he was done just like every other time when things got hard or he was mad at me. Thoughts?

 

 

 

2 Answers • Singles & Dating

[Candy_Pants]

He's certainly guilty of buying flowers.

[Raena]

His angry reaction to you asking who the flowers were for is what does it for me. It's a huge red flag that he won't tell you and turns it around on you. I'd assume he's done something wrong and drop him like a hot potato.

[Oberfeldwebel]

The individual that you have described is a master manipulator. You caught him red handed and he then had a choice: a). take responsibility or b). blame you. Somebody had to be blamed and he chose you. Don't look for logic here, because there is none. This is precisely why you date, to find these things out before marriage. By blaming you he can sit back and see what happens, experience has taught him that many woman will blame themselves and come back, absolving him of all sin. Don't waste another minutes time on this dude and out him to your friends, so that they don't become a victim of his manipulations.

[jackslife]

Read the forums on the infidelity section of this site. You'll very quickly learn about cheating behaviour, lying, gaslighting the whole thing.

 

9 times out of 10 when someone asks the question "is he cheating?" the answer will be yes. Is he cheating? You have no actual proof of him seeing another woman. You do have the following evidence though:

 

He has bought flowers for someone but won't say who.

He is confrontational when asked 'you' are at fault for not trusting him. When pushed he gaslights you.

 

Your boyfriend is showing every sign of a cheater. Can you prove he is cheating on you, no. But I'd put money on the fact that at the very minimum he has bought another woman flowers and is trying to get involved in a relationship of some kind. At worse he has slept with or is seeing someone else.

 

You need to be a crafty PI now. Access his phone if you can, check texts emails etc.

 

Sorry, you are being deceived here...

[Zahara]

He even gave me the choice to stay with him or leave and said I could take my time to make my decision. Of course I wanted to believe him and was willing to work it out, but when I said he didn't have to be with me, he said he was done just like every other time when things got hard or he was mad at me. Thoughts?

 

1) He's willing to sacrifice the relationship over flowers.

 

2) His investment in you is so minimal that he has no issues letting you go

 

3) He has no issues using the relationship to manipulate you.

 

Stating he is done with you in times of strife or when he's been mad at you is not the issue. The issue is that you're being gaslighted, possibly being cheated on and emotionally and mentally manipulated.

[jackslife]

The issue is that you're being gaslighted, possibly being cheated on and emotionally and mentally manipulated.

 

Absolutely!

[BetrayedH]

Of course I wanted to believe him and was willing to work it out

 

This is where you went wrong.

 

He's so full of crap that he didn't even have a plausible story. What is it that you "believe him" about?

 

He's counting on his anger to be a sufficient distraction and that it'll put you on the defensive. He's also counting on you "being willing to work it out" so much that you'll end up apologizing even though you did nothing but discover sketchy behavior.

 

It appears to have worked. Stop that.

 

Refuse to speak with him until you have a verifiable explanation otherwise. In the meantime, you have every reason to assume the flowers were for some other girl.

[Artie Lang]

you're on the verge of rugsweeping this whole situation without getting to the truth of the matter. he pretty much bullied(manipulated) you into taking his explanation... he pretty much told you to accept his behavior or "get to steppin."

 

 

this is only a preview of things to come if you end up marrying this guy: "when someone shows you who they are- BELIEVE THEM."

[No Limit]

Everything's been said already. Kick him to the curb.

[DasPope]

He might or might not be cheating but you certainly sound a little crazy too!

[Raena]

He might or might not be cheating but you certainly sound a little crazy too!

 

How does she sound crazy?

[lovelylady35]

Thank you everyone for the replies....this has been a total mind f**k for me and I always had a little nagging feeling throughout our relationship but never knew why. He always wanted me to trust him completely but I never could 100%. At the same time, I didn't thinl he would do something like this, or atleast have the decency to completely end things with me before going after someone else. I'm so emotionally exhausted from this past year. He always put so much blame on me for his anger, actions, and the 3 times he broke up with me. I thought the world of him and fought so hard and blamed myself for all the problems. What was I fighting for? Because its obvious I wasn't worth fighting for in his eyes.

[BetrayedH]

When there's problems in a relationship, I think it's common for us to look inward and to try to fix whatever contributions to those problems might have been our own. I don't blame you for making the effort.

 

That said, he clearly doesn't have an explanation for these flowers and you'd be a fool to accept a non-answer and irrational anger as a rational explanation. In quite ridiculous fashion he tried to spin this one as your fault, too. He failed.

 

Let him go. And please don't let his judgment about you "not being worth fighting for" affect your sense of self-worth. Frankly, it's clear that his judgment sucks.

[ExpatInItaly]

Girl, those flowers were for some other woman. You know that. He knows that. He's trying to pretend he doesn't owe you an explanation. You're trying to believe him...about what, exactly? What is there to believe? He didn't give you anything to believe! He just got mad and accused you of snooping. Classic cheater tactic. He doesn't even have enough respect for you to try to explain himself. He's a lazy cheater, to top it all off.

 

Get out of this relationship. His behaviour is manipulative and immature. You've been broken up with three times? What on earth are you waiting for? Break up with him and save him the trouble of doing it a fourth time.

[lovelylady35]

He still denies it all...says I don't deserve to know the truth after I went off on him and how I felt. He know I'm hurt and says I'm only hurt because "I'm assuming" he was with someone else and he knows the truth and that's enough for him. He also told me how can I be with someone or marry them when they don't trust and are always looking for somethin(strange thing I walked in on him the night before as he was looking at engagement rings...intention or distraction from the events going on?). Of course we are over and he says he wants a mature woman not an insecure one who can't trust and asks too many questions. He also said that I told him he wasn't the one for me and I deserved better...funny he said that to be first and I finally just agrred with him. How do I get past this all and the constant blame he put on me for all of our problems? Why did I put him on such a pedestal and why am I the one to feel so much loss and guilt?

[BetrayedH]

Your brain needs to overrule your emotions.

 

He's a cheat and a liar. That has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. That takes a while for just about any betrayed person to accept. In fact, acceptance is the last stage of grief.

 

Better you found out now rather than after marriage and kids. Consider it a learning experience (about how to better choose men).

[atreides]

He still denies it all...says I don't deserve to know the truth

 

I am so sorry, but just reading briefly, the above was all i needed... dump this man...

 

listen to betrayedH, he is one of the mega-wise of LS.

[BetrayedH]

listen to betrayedH, he is one of the mega-wise of LS.

 

Oh good lord. It's only the wisdom gained from having made every mistake in the book.

[ExpatInItaly]

He still denies it all...says I don't deserve to know the truth after I went off on him and how I felt. He know I'm hurt and says I'm only hurt because "I'm assuming" he was with someone else and he knows the truth and that's enough for him. He also told me how can I be with someone or marry them when they don't trust and are always looking for somethin(strange thing I walked in on him the night before as he was looking at engagement rings...intention or distraction from the events going on?). Of course we are over and he says he wants a mature woman not an insecure one who can't trust and asks too many questions. He also said that I told him he wasn't the one for me and I deserved better...funny he said that to be first and I finally just agrred with him. How do I get past this all and the constant blame he put on me for all of our problems? Why did I put him on such a pedestal and why am I the one to feel so much loss and guilt?

 

You immediately cut contact with him. Delete him from any social media, block his number on your phone. He is not what you thought he was, and now you know that. Keep that in mind when you feel sad - the man you fell for doesn't actually exist. You put your idea of him on a pedestal, but that's not who he actually was.

 

He doesn't want a mature woman - he wants a woman who is willing to look the other way while he has sex with other people. He is dishonest, manipulative and emotionally abusive. And he expected you to just shut up and take whatever garbage and lies he threw at you. Good for you for getting rid of him.

 

Might I suggest you also get yourself tested? If he's been with other women (which seems likely) your health could also be at risk.

[jackslife]

Find the 'no contact' guide on this site. Read it 3 times and then implement and stick to it!

[lovelylady35]

I am left thoroughly confused and heartbroken after this past year with this man. He came onto me so strong after wanting me for 2 years. He was off and on with his ex when we met, and they too had many problems. From what I heard, she was very insecure, jealous, and controlling. During the course of their down times in the relationship when he would see me, he was very flirtatious. I thought he was genuinely interested in me so when we were both officially single, I gave him a chance. I was blown away with how kind and good he was to me. But anytime I brought up any issues, he would get upset and tell me he wouldn't support it. I acted like any normal person would in a relationship...sure I had my few jealous moments and questions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I always tried to understand him and know more about him and his reasons for doing things but he didn't want me to ask too many questions and told me to just go with the flow often. I never stopped him from doing anything and I was always there to support him and do anything I could to help him in his hard times. He knew I loved him, and his friend and brother said he felt the same about me, but he clearly told me more than once "Im not the kind of guy to tell you I love you. You will never hear me say it." He talked about marriage and kids with me several times, and said he wanted those things with me, but only when things were good it seemed and it would all be stripped away when he was so mad at me. He always had one foot in and one foot out the door in our relationship and let the smallest things I did make him so angry to where he broke up with me 3 times. I couldn't express my needs or wants without him telling me, "This is who I am and I do things I my own way. If you don't like it, then you need to find someone else. I am not changing for you or anyone." I would have done anything to see him smile or be there for him but when I simply wanted to do things or just needed more affection from him he would not budge. It was all on his terms and his own way. He rarely made plans in advance and always asked me to do things at the last minute. he didn't believe in plans because according to him if they don't work out you wont be disappointed. He blamed me for the problems in our relationship and never took responsibility for his actions and I never really got any genuine apologies. I could be right about something, but he would turn it around on me everytime and say, "nothing is good enough for you. you are never happy. I try my best and you always complain" not true...I adored him and even the people around us saw how much I appreciated him and how good I was to him. he was so critical of me and my mistakes and would often threaten to leave when things got tough for him. he ultimately ended it this time with "im unhappy and I don't want to be angry...its not good for you or me." he thinks I am immature, needy, and insecure and not thankful for anything. so not true! how was I supposed to feel when I was constantly put on the back burner, broken up with, and him being mad at me or giving me the silent treatment? aren't adults supposed to work through things? I saw all his flaws and shortcomings and I always tried to understand him and be there for him, and took responsibility for my end of things...but I never felt like we fixed problems and instead just dusted them under the rug and they would come up again and again. I couldn't talk to him and work things out...he would shut me down and always turn it around on me like I said. I couldn't have a mad look on my face, I couldn't complain about anything, I couldn't have a different opinion....he would always get upset in one way or the other and even hung up on me several times while on the phone because "I mad him mad and he didn't want to argue" he is such a wonderful person with a great personality, hardworking, and very giving...but why was he so mad at me all the time and constantly wanting to leave when things got hard?

Edited August 11, 2014 by lovelylady35

[waterwoman]

"From what I heard, she was very insecure, jealous, and controlling"

 

Sound familiar? Do you think there is any chance that maybe he just lied about her and that he is the problem? And any woman who gets together with him is going to be 'very insecure, jealous, and controlling' after a time?

 

Let him go xx

[ExpatInItaly]

I am left thoroughly confused and heartbroken after this past year with this man. He came onto me so strong after wanting me for 2 years. He was off and on with his ex when we met, and they too had many problems. From what I heard, she was very insecure, jealous, and controlling. During the course of their down times in the relationship when he would see me, he was very flirtatious. I thought he was genuinely interested in me so when we were both officially single, I gave him a chance. I was blown away with how kind and good he was to me. But anytime I brought up any issues, he would get upset and tell me he wouldn't support it. I acted like any normal person would in a relationship...sure I had my few jealous moments and questions, but nothing out of the ordinary. I always tried to understand him and know more about him and his reasons for doing things but he didn't want me to ask too many questions and told me to just go with the flow often. I never stopped him from doing anything and I was always there to support him and do anything I could to help him in his hard times. He knew I loved him, and his friend and brother said he felt the same about me, but he clearly told me more than once "Im not the kind of guy to tell you I love you. You will never hear me say it." He talked about marriage and kids with me several times, and said he wanted those things with me, but only when things were good it seemed and it would all be stripped away when he was so mad at me. He always had one foot in and one foot out the door in our relationship and let the smallest things I did make him so angry to where he broke up with me 3 times. I couldn't express my needs or wants without him telling me, "This is who I am and I do things I my own way. If you don't like it, then you need to find someone else. I am not changing for you or anyone." I would have done anything to see him smile or be there for him but when I simply wanted to do things or just needed more affection from him he would not budge. It was all on his terms and his own way. He rarely made plans in advance and always asked me to do things at the last minute. he didn't believe in plans because according to him if they don't work out you wont be disappointed. He blamed me for the problems in our relationship and never took responsibility for his actions and I never really got any genuine apologies. I could be right about something, but he would turn it around on me everytime and say, "nothing is good enough for you. you are never happy. I try my best and you always complain" not true...I adored him and even the people around us saw how much I appreciated him and how good I was to him. he was so critical of me and my mistakes and would often threaten to leave when things got tough for him. he ultimately ended it this time with "im unhappy and I don't want to be angry...its not good for you or me." he thinks I am immature, needy, and insecure and not thankful for anything. so not true! how was I supposed to feel when I was constantly put on the back burner, broken up with, and him being mad at me or giving me the silent treatment? aren't adults supposed to work through things? I saw all his flaws and shortcomings and I always tried to understand him and be there for him, and took responsibility for my end of things...but I never felt like we fixed problems and instead just dusted them under the rug and they would come up again and again. I couldn't talk to him and work things out...he would shut me down and always turn it around on me like I said. I couldn't have a mad look on my face, I couldn't complain about anything, I couldn't have a different opinion....he would always get upset in one way or the other and even hung up on me several times while on the phone because "I mad him mad and he didn't want to argue" he is such a wonderful person with a great personality, hardworking, and very giving...but why was he so mad at me all the time and constantly wanting to leave when things got hard?

 

Er...no, he isn't. He's an emotionally abusive ass. Stop idealizing him. He's an outright jerk. What you've described is so very far from wonderful it makes me question what you define as "awful." Because that's how he treated you.

 

Now you need to ask yourself some hard questions so that you never find yourself in such an emotionally traumatizing relationship again: What is about you that desperately needed to be validated by this guy? Why did you give him all the power, and neglect your own needs and desires for so long? Why were you so willing to compromise basic respect in order to get crumbs of attention from this person? I have been in a similar relationship. When I finally had enough of it, I asked myself all of the above. It's a good opportunity to reflect on how we also contribute to the chaos, and why we chose to stay instead of demanding more for ourselves.

 

This guy is not your happily-ever-after, and it doesn't sound as though he ever really was. He's a toxic liar and manipulator who doesn't respect or love you. He yanks you around because he knew he could get away with it and you'd be doing backflips to make it right when that was never going to be possible. He just wanted to see how long you'd stick around for. You really need to get and stay the hell away from him. He's a textbook loser.

[lovelylady35]

I just saw so much good in this man...he wasn't always like this with me and we had a lot of good memories and times. he helped me with a lot, taught me a lot, and was good to my friends and family. that's what is so hard for me...I see the good as well as the bad and I truly loved this person. I wonder did I turn him into this? did the things I do or how I acted make him this way? did me going back again and again and letting him make me feel like the one always at fault and my constant apologizing and trying to make things work make him take me for granted? I proved my love and appreciation over and over. I just wanted some of that back...to be seen and not to be tossed away for my flaws. my good outweighed the bad more than anything. why didn't he see what he had?