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Husband and his BF wife


Beachbum1979

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Beachbum1979

New to the site. Was looking for some advice as I am in a tough situation and don't know how to move forward. Here is my problem...

 

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We are friends with a couple and both my husband and the friends wife are very flirty people. When we go out they often dance together. When I say dance I mean very close dancing with her grinding against him and him gripping her. I have always trusted my husband and this did not make me feel uncomfortable at the time because of that trust. I knew he was coming home with me and just having a good time when out drinking. Then I noticed he was stopping at their home almost nightly for drinks. Her husband was almost always home but whenever I would stop over too, the touching and feeling was still going on. Just slight touches, a small hug, a thank you peck on the cheek. Again we have been friends with this couple for a long time and I consider them a part of my family. All harmless right.

 

His mother had cancer and was in hospice so he took time off work. During this time off before going and seeing her in the morning the other wife offered for him and our son to stop by for a home cooked breakfast and they went over several times. Again thought nothing of it as we had been eating out a lot and who would refuse the nice gesture.

 

Then of course things changed. One night after getting home he was asleep and I went to plug in his phone for him. When I plugged it in the screen turned on and the text messages were open to our female friends name so I couldn't help but see the last few texts. They were something like:

 

Her: how is your day going sweetheart?

Him: laying here thinking. It was good to see you yesterday honey

Her: it was good to see you to babe. I am here if you need me

 

Okay looks pretty harmless except for all the endearments. So of course I scrolled up and there where more text several each day going back a long ways. All talking about each of their days, what they are doing, if he is coming over for drinks etc. I looked up her husbands texts to see if the messages lined up. They didn't. My husband and her would exchange messages with out I or the other husband being involved in the plans.

 

I am a n iphone user so know how to do searches on the phone. I searching her name and up came the text messages I really didn't want to see. The ones that had me reading further into every interaction my husband or I had ever had with her. The ones talking about what they would like to do to each other and well sexting. That is the best way to put it. I dropped the phone. Sat there in shock for a long time. Trying to process it all. How could I bring this up to my husband now? His mother was dying. I decided I would confront her first.

 

Unfortunately I did not have the chance before my mother in law passed away. This brought me face to face with her on one of the hardest days of my families lives.

 

We were at the luncheon after the funeral. Of course my husband had been drinking heavely and she walks in. I don't notice her until she comes to give me a hug and her sympathy. I am trying to hold my husband up and she moves to the other side of him. Putting her hand around his neck and slowly pulling him toward her. Then she kissed him right in front of me. A kids that held a second longer than it should. I moved him away and four my focus on him again. Pushing her from my thoughts. I was grieving too and did not want to deal with a whole new set of drama at that time. I noticed her a little later across the room staring at my husband. We were talking to his brother in law in a semi circle when I noticed someone grab my husbands hand entwining fingers. I looked behind me and it was her. I was standing in front of my husband trying to hold him up as he stared to have tears run down his face. She reached around me and started wiping them off his face. Then moved next to him and was kissing his neck. He was oblivious of what was going on just wanted comfort. I had seen enough. I got him outside knowing she would follow. I made sure he was okay then turned to her and told her to back off and to stop kissing and rubbing all over him. I was his wife and I could take care of him.

 

We left shortly after and everyone was coming to our house. Her husband showed up but she didn't. He apologized for her and said she overstepped the line. That they had talked about this before. I told him I get that she is a flirty, sexual person but now was not the time especially when text were sent that should not have been. I didn't tell him what they said. He left after a little while. That night I sent her a text telling her I had seen the messages and it needed to stop. She text back a few days later apologizing for over stepping her boundaries and saying the text were wrong but nothing physical happened. I told her that I didn't want to ruin the friend ship our husbands had but basically she needed to back off. She said she was envious of what my husband and I had and let that envy go to far. Basically tried to have the same relationship I have with my husband. She again said she was sorry and it would stop. Being close to our family she had made some food she wanted to drop off. I said that was fine as I didn't want to confront my husband about it yet and her husband had already told mine about dropping dinner off for us. I had an to run to the store that afternoon. Got back they dropped food off. Nothing unusual. That night when I looked at his messages he had text her right before I left for the store letting her know we were home if she wanted to drop the dinner off. She did not text back. And we were not home only he would have been if she would have brought dinner over right then. I have continued to watch his messages but they have not text since that afternoon which was a few days ago.

 

Now there is my story now the big question. My husband just lost his mother, I just lost my mother in law. We are both grieving that loss. How, when do I talk to him about this? It seems like no time in the near future is a good time. But it is consuming me. Wondering if he is going to their house, if they are alone, if they are talking etc. please help me!

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Grumpybutfun

Give him a few days to process then let him read this. He is in an affair. As a man who has been married for twenty years, I think your H is an arsehole. I would never disrespect my wife to this extent. He needs to know you won't tolerate this. You need to get a lawyer because he is on the prowl for a lover and they most likely already screwed if they are this open in front of you.

G

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Beachbum1979

I asked her if anything else has happened. She of course said no. She is the first person he has ever done anything like this with and from what I can see it is mostly initiated by her. Not making excuses for my husband and not trying to say "I know he would never cheat on me" but I don't think it is him on the prowl I think it is her. Again I have not talked to my husband and could be eating my words when I do. My biggest issue before "lawyer" is knowing when to confront him. Then make decisions from there. Thank you for your advice.

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If your husband is currently in an affair his respect level for you right now is non existent. With that being said, I personally think you should just toss everything on the table as soon as possible.You have enough information to come to a pretty confident conclusion it is probable your husband is having an affair with that woman. You may want to start building your case further before approaching him. Pull the phone records and try to find a pattern with texting and voice to her number. This may give you an idea of when it started so you can try and corroborate with what he says. You should also check the credit card statements as well and look for off things like hotels and misc transactions that would be questionable. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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TheBladeRunner

I had this issue while with my first wife years ago. She and I would hang out with this one couple and they were both really cool. The problem was my buddies wife was hitting on me :(. She wouldn't do it in front of my then wife, but it was a small town and I would see her when we were out and about and oh Lord did that woman like to flirt. Out of respect for my then wife, my buddy, and myself, I went by her business one day and talked to her about it and told her that she needs to "lay off" with the flirting and the sexual innuendos as it was inappropriate because I was married and so was she. She got the message and it stopped.

 

My thoughts are that your H should have told her to "step off" and not do those things. If it's happening in front of you as well as behind your back his and her behavior is NOT acceptable IMO.

 

Added note: I told my first wife about this every time it would happen.

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Wow, she bold faced stepped into the wife role for him! He seems to respond like it is normal.

 

Yes - they are very involved!!! And now texts stopped because SHE told him you know.

 

I'm certain they have a newer, MORE secretive way to communicate that you're not supposed to find out about.

 

Get in front of him and have an honest conversation! State the obvious = his communication and cheating with her ends forever or you leave him.

 

If he's also not willing to admit and seek help to improve the marriage - that would also be a deal breaker for me too

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TooLateSmart

Of course she was going to gaslight you and deny it! You read the texts (which I hope you have forwarded to yourself and have copies of). Don't be in self denial that they haven't been intimate.

 

You need to see a lawyer, especially if you have children.

 

It takes two in an affair, and your husband hasn't been enticed by some temptress. He sounds like a very willing participant all along the way.

 

Classic Cake Eaters.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of your MIL and that you had to have the full realization during the same period.

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Beachbum1979
I had this issue while with my first wife years ago. She and I would hang out with this one couple and they were both really cool. The problem was my buddies wife was hitting on me :(. She wouldn't do it in front of my then wife, but it was a small town and I would see her when we were out and about and oh Lord did that woman like to flirt. Out of respect for my then wife, my buddy, and myself, I went by her business one day and talked to her about it and told her that she needs to "lay off" with the flirting and the sexual innuendos as it was inappropriate because I was married and so was she. She got the message and it stopped.

 

My thoughts are that your H should have told her to "step off" and not do those things. If it's happening in front of you as well as behind your back his and her behavior is NOT acceptable IMO.

 

Added note: I told my first wife about this every time it would happen.

 

My thoughts also - why did neither of then stop. It's not like they both don't have loving spouses at home. Why did neither of them tell the others spouses.

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Beachbum1979

I did think enough ahead of time to copy the text and send them to myself. I also worried about her or her husband saying something directly to my husband about what I found. I know neither did by phone in anyway because, as I said I am an iphone user and know how to install an app, and hide it. So it tracks every text, email, and phone call. I just looked over the information and though my husband and her husband have had contact. There has been nothing from her.

I never thought of it as her outright stepping into the wife role but now that I think about it, that is exactly what she has been doing, and he has been letting her! Dinner, drinks, plans together, texting about there day, etc.

I have told her that we (her & I) could get past this so our husbands could still be friends but I never looked at it like her trying to totally take my role. She even watches our son sometimes and takes him places we would go as a family!!! (Swimming, amusement park, etc) how was I so blind to not see that!

Is it bad that I don't want to talk to my husband about this because of his recent loss? I wonder if deep down I am trying to let time pass so I can then say it was to long ago to confront him.

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seekingpeaceinlove

OP, you handled yourself with much more grace than I would have if I ever saw a woman behave that way with my significant other. They are 100% having an affair. Their interaction with each other is not simply inappropriate...it is cheating. Physically, emotionally or both. They are both extremely attracted to each other and if you think you all can maintain a friendship with each other moving forward than you are a beyond naive.

 

The fact that your husband allowed this woman to disrespect you outright tells me he is much more involved with her than you may believe.

 

You need to confront husband pretty quickly and give him an ultimatum.

He must confess, feel remorse, cut off contact with the other woman, and you two must seek marital counseling.

 

Do not accept this BS disrespectful behavior from your husband or the other woman and stop making excuses for your husband. He, in this situation, is worse than the OW.

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I did think enough ahead of time to copy the text and send them to myself. I also worried about her or her husband saying something directly to my husband about what I found. I know neither did by phone in anyway because, as I said I am an iphone user and know how to install an app, and hide it. So it tracks every text, email, and phone call. I just looked over the information and though my husband and her husband have had contact. There has been nothing from her.

I never thought of it as her outright stepping into the wife role but now that I think about it, that is exactly what she has been doing, and he has been letting her! Dinner, drinks, plans together, texting about there day, etc.

I have told her that we (her & I) could get past this so our husbands could still be friends but I never looked at it like her trying to totally take my role. She even watches our son sometimes and takes him places we would go as a family!!! (Swimming, amusement park, etc) how was I so blind to not see that!

Is it bad that I don't want to talk to my husband about this because of his recent loss? I wonder if deep down I am trying to let time pass so I can then say it was to long ago to confront him.

 

They say an unfaithful spouse causes as much emotional pain to the other spouse as losing a child. What about your loss? You're in a messy situation. It's going to be hard cause they're family friends and have been there for how many years? When you get this all out and if there is a plan on reconciliation you need to cut them out of your future for you both to move on successfully.

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HereNorThere

You are being waaaay too nice, OP. So just because his mother died, he gets to have an affair? You're going to keep in contact with the AP's family and allow them into your life again?

 

From this moment forward, you have to take control of the situation. You need to expose him and pin his a** to the wall. Quit being such a pushover and do something about because it's only going to get worse.

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If nothing else they have embarked on an emotional affair and you have to nip it in the bud right now.

 

No more dinners, drinks, dancing, hand-holding or tear wiping or texting.

 

It stops now.

 

Tell your H HOW you feel and watch his response closely. If he defends her, not realizing that you know of all those secret texts, then you have to pull the wife card, as in, I no longer TRUST her around you so I will not participate in this friendship any more.

 

I have no problem with you seeing your friend, but HER? No way, no how, no more.

 

Be smart and protect what you have.

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seekingpeaceinlove
New to the site. Was looking for some advice as I am in a tough situation and don't know how to move forward. Here is my problem...

 

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We are friends with a couple and both my husband and the friends wife are very flirty people. When we go out they often dance together. When I say dance I mean very close dancing with her grinding against him and him gripping her. I have always trusted my husband and this did not make me feel uncomfortable at the time because of that trust. I knew he was coming home with me and just having a good time when out drinking. Then I noticed he was stopping at their home almost nightly for drinks. Her husband was almost always home but whenever I would stop over too, the touching and feeling was still going on. Just slight touches, a small hug, a thank you peck on the cheek. Again we have been friends with this couple for a long time and I consider them a part of my family. All harmless right.

 

His mother had cancer and was in hospice so he took time off work. During this time off before going and seeing her in the morning the other wife offered for him and our son to stop by for a home cooked breakfast and they went over several times. Again thought nothing of it as we had been eating out a lot and who would refuse the nice gesture.

 

Then of course things changed. One night after getting home he was asleep and I went to plug in his phone for him. When I plugged it in the screen turned on and the text messages were open to our female friends name so I couldn't help but see the last few texts. They were something like:

 

Her: how is your day going sweetheart?

Him: laying here thinking. It was good to see you yesterday honey

Her: it was good to see you to babe. I am here if you need me

 

Okay looks pretty harmless except for all the endearments. So of course I scrolled up and there where more text several each day going back a long ways. All talking about each of their days, what they are doing, if he is coming over for drinks etc. I looked up her husbands texts to see if the messages lined up. They didn't. My husband and her would exchange messages with out I or the other husband being involved in the plans.

 

I am a n iphone user so know how to do searches on the phone. I searching her name and up came the text messages I really didn't want to see. The ones that had me reading further into every interaction my husband or I had ever had with her. The ones talking about what they would like to do to each other and well sexting. That is the best way to put it. I dropped the phone. Sat there in shock for a long time. Trying to process it all. How could I bring this up to my husband now? His mother was dying. I decided I would confront her first.

 

Unfortunately I did not have the chance before my mother in law passed away. This brought me face to face with her on one of the hardest days of my families lives.

 

We were at the luncheon after the funeral. Of course my husband had been drinking heavely and she walks in. I don't notice her until she comes to give me a hug and her sympathy. I am trying to hold my husband up and she moves to the other side of him. Putting her hand around his neck and slowly pulling him toward her. Then she kissed him right in front of me. A kids that held a second longer than it should. I moved him away and four my focus on him again. Pushing her from my thoughts. I was grieving too and did not want to deal with a whole new set of drama at that time. I noticed her a little later across the room staring at my husband. We were talking to his brother in law in a semi circle when I noticed someone grab my husbands hand entwining fingers. I looked behind me and it was her. I was standing in front of my husband trying to hold him up as he stared to have tears run down his face. She reached around me and started wiping them off his face. Then moved next to him and was kissing his neck. He was oblivious of what was going on just wanted comfort. I had seen enough. I got him outside knowing she would follow. I made sure he was okay then turned to her and told her to back off and to stop kissing and rubbing all over him. I was his wife and I could take care of him.

 

We left shortly after and everyone was coming to our house. Her husband showed up but she didn't. He apologized for her and said she overstepped the line. That they had talked about this before. I told him I get that she is a flirty, sexual person but now was not the time especially when text were sent that should not have been. I didn't tell him what they said. He left after a little while. That night I sent her a text telling her I had seen the messages and it needed to stop. She text back a few days later apologizing for over stepping her boundaries and saying the text were wrong but nothing physical happened. I told her that I didn't want to ruin the friend ship our husbands had but basically she needed to back off. She said she was envious of what my husband and I had and let that envy go to far. Basically tried to have the same relationship I have with my husband. She again said she was sorry and it would stop. Being close to our family she had made some food she wanted to drop off. I said that was fine as I didn't want to confront my husband about it yet and her husband had already told mine about dropping dinner off for us. I had an to run to the store that afternoon. Got back they dropped food off. Nothing unusual. That night when I looked at his messages he had text her right before I left for the store letting her know we were home if she wanted to drop the dinner off. She did not text back. And we were not home only he would have been if she would have brought dinner over right then. I have continued to watch his messages but they have not text since that afternoon which was a few days ago.

 

Now there is my story now the big question. My husband just lost his mother, I just lost my mother in law. We are both grieving that loss. How, when do I talk to him about this? It seems like no time in the near future is a good time. But it is consuming me. Wondering if he is going to their house, if they are alone, if they are talking etc. please help me!

 

The highlighted sections blow my mind. I feel like I'm angrier for OP than she is for herself! I mean, hubby and OW were texting each other what they wanted to do to each other? If I had read the texts and then saw that *#$% kissing my husband's neck right in front of me I would have dragged her out...willing or not..to have a much needed... conversation.

 

Your MIL's passing does not mean your husband gets a time-delay pass. He wronged you and the burden should be on him to make it right. Confront him asap.

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Been there...very similar "couple" scenario. Long story short, I was abandoned. Now my story gets all messy as my ex is bipolar but bottom line I too discovered emails etc. and they were hiding in plain sight. Worse thing was having to call her husband and tell him where they were.

 

This is not OK. He does not deserve your respect for his mourning as he has shown you no respect at all. You need to have a very long conversation with her husband and this so called friendship needs to end now.

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OP, I guess your role in life and in this particular friendship is to be the caretaker, organiser, the mediator, the diplomat, that one person that makes sure everything is run smoothly and you do it without giving it another thought.

 

You are applying all these things now to this very painful situation. You do not put yourself first but you think about your husband who is hurting over his mom, your extended family who is grieving, your husband's BF who is not supposed to 'bother' your husband now with his own anger, even your friend who you think you have controlled by giving her a good telling to.

 

I see you make excuses for your husband: He was drunk at the funeral so he let another woman grope him and kiss him in front of your entire family (I hear: it's not what he really wanted); This is his first affair, she is so flirtatious, he did not mean for this to happen, he is definitely not trolling for a lover (I hear: he was just led astray, he loves ME really).

 

Stop trying to control the situation. Stop trying to smooth it all over.

 

He is the one that married you, vowed to cherish you etc., he betrayed all that and did a very disgraceful thing. I don't care if his mother died or whatever else is going on in his life. You have every right to be ****ing angry with him!!! So be angry, shout, scream, let him know exactly how he has hurt you. And then take action. It will be you calling the shots as from now on.

 

Stop doing what you've done so far; closed your eyes to the truth only so that your perfect, controllable world would keep existing. It is not working and it will make your husband think he can get away with murder. :(

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IfWishesWereHorses

One problem I see is that she's had time to do damage control and I'll bet you a dime to a dollar your H knows what you've found, which most likely means they've got their stories straight. At this point her H isn't likely to believe you without concrete evidence.

 

You can find stories of this same scenario on other parts of this forum. Maybe someone could point you to the exact threads.

 

I'm so very sorry that you are faced with this double betrayal. I'm afraid though, that "back off" isn't actually going to work here.

 

How close are you to her H? Do they have kids as well?

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Beachbum1979
OP, I guess your role in life and in this particular friendship is to be the caretaker, organiser, the mediator, the diplomat, that one person that makes sure everything is run smoothly and you do it without giving it another thought.

 

You are applying all these things now to this very painful situation. You do not put yourself first but you think about your husband who is hurting over his mom, your extended family who is grieving, your husband's BF who is not supposed to 'bother' your husband now with his own anger, even your friend who you think you have controlled by giving her a good telling to.

 

I see you make excuses for your husband: He was drunk at the funeral so he let another woman grope him and kiss him in front of your entire family (I hear: it's not what he really wanted); This is his first affair, she is so flirtatious, he did not mean for this to happen, he is definitely not trolling for a lover (I hear: he was just led astray, he loves ME really).

 

Stop trying to control the situation. Stop trying to smooth it all over.

 

He is the one that married you, vowed to cherish you etc., he betrayed all that and did a very disgraceful thing. I don't care if his mother died or whatever else is going on in his life. You have every right to be ****ing angry with him!!! So be angry, shout, scream, let him know exactly how he has hurt you. And then take action. It will be you calling the shots as from now on.

 

Stop doing what you've done so far; closed your eyes to the truth only so that your perfect, controllable world would keep existing. It is not working and it will make your husband think he can get away with murder. :(

 

You are 100 percent correct. This is the role I have taken. Thank you for reading between the lines and opening my eyes. My world and marriage is not perfect and I need to face that and my H. I need to put myself first, if he can think about the OW at this time, he can sure as hell think about me and my feelings. I am done being the pushover I didn't realize I was!

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Grumpybutfun
OP, I guess your role in life and in this particular friendship is to be the caretaker, organiser, the mediator, the diplomat, that one person that makes sure everything is run smoothly and you do it without giving it another thought.

 

You are applying all these things now to this very painful situation. You do not put yourself first but you think about your husband who is hurting over his mom, your extended family who is grieving, your husband's BF who is not supposed to 'bother' your husband now with his own anger, even your friend who you think you have controlled by giving her a good telling to.

 

I see you make excuses for your husband: He was drunk at the funeral so he let another woman grope him and kiss him in front of your entire family (I hear: it's not what he really wanted); This is his first affair, she is so flirtatious, he did not mean for this to happen, he is definitely not trolling for a lover (I hear: he was just led astray, he loves ME really).

 

Stop trying to control the situation. Stop trying to smooth it all over.

 

He is the one that married you, vowed to cherish you etc., he betrayed all that and did a very disgraceful thing. I don't care if his mother died or whatever else is going on in his life. You have every right to be ****ing angry with him!!! So be angry, shout, scream, let him know exactly how he has hurt you. And then take action. It will be you calling the shots as from now on.

 

Stop doing what you've done so far; closed your eyes to the truth only so that your perfect, controllable world would keep existing. It is not working and it will make your husband think he can get away with murder. :(

 

 

Beautifully written TAV. ^^^This is truth, OP.

G

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They obviously have a new way of communicating.

 

Your husband knows you know!

 

Get to talking about it now!

 

Waiting any longer only allows them time to devise more plans of secrecy.

 

Expose away!!! There is never a good time or a right time!!! The only time is now! Heck, maybe your mother in law is gifting you the truth. Doing something about that truth is better than doing nothing.

 

Speak up to your husband! No more going to his OW - she is now the enemy of your marriage and should be treated as such. You can tell her husband there is NO MORE friendship since they've both overstepped healthy boundaries in any marriage.

 

This couple has to be cut completely out of your life IF you intend to work on changing your marriage!

 

I'd be telling my husband he's a blatant cheater and I not living with it any more! It's her or me, which is it?

 

If it's me - the she is out! If it's her - them I'm out! He can't have both.

And I wouldn't ASK if he's having an affair! HE obviously is- state it as a fact that he only needs to acknowledge.

 

Look out for YOU - if he chooses her- then move money and have him leave the house immediately.

 

Consequences for his bad behavior are important - as much as you may not want to do that - he needs to see he's going to lose things in his life if he chooses her.

Edited by beach
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He apologized for her and said she overstepped the line. That they had talked about this before. I told him I get that she is a flirty, sexual person but now was not the time especially when text were sent that should not have been. I didn't tell him what they said.

I'm going to assume once you've spoken to your husband you'll tell and show her husband everything also. He deserves to know and exposure is helpful in ensuring NC.

 

It's unreasonable to think that your - or your husband's - friendship with this couple and family can continue. It's way past that now :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You are 100 percent correct. This is the role I have taken. Thank you for reading between the lines and opening my eyes. My world and marriage is not perfect and I need to face that and my H. I need to put myself first, if he can think about the OW at this time, he can sure as hell think about me and my feelings. I am done being the pushover I didn't realize I was!

 

Takes one to know one. I've been where you are. Good luck. :)

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Don't rule out that he now has a throw away phone that allows him to communicate more secretly with her.

 

She may have purchased one too...

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