TheWalkingDead Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Alright....I'm looking for FWWs, preferably who were into cybersex or EAs, to give me some insight on what my FWW got out of the deal that justifies me having to live the rest of my life out feeling worthless, like I'm competing with an ideal that is perfect (through lies), like I'm unlovable, and like me ever being stable or happy again is hopeless. I want to ask these questions privately, as humiliation is one of the 1738 problems from hell that she unleashed on me. I promise not to yell or call names or anything. Can anyone help me? I'm 18 months in and dying here.... Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Not a WW but at no time does someone else's actions define you. You are only as worthy a you believe you are. Get some help to change your perception. This was about her, you need to focus on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 very sorry, so do they have a specific cyber partner or is this something more random? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheWalkingDead Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Not talking specifics publicly. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 You are letting your ex define you through their choices and actions. Actions, personal preferences and choices you had no control over. It was her choices and her nature that led her down that path. Crude example: A woman marries a man who (unknown to her) is gay. Now she can be the best wife, the best cook, the best mother, his best friend. She can wear the kit, keep herself fit and give him a BJ every night and give him breakfast in bed every morning, but it will make no difference. Ultimately she will fail, ultimately his need for another man will outweigh all of those things and he will leave. Looking for chaps in chaps. Nothing she could do would change who he is and what he wants. Whatever the reasons your wife chose to do what she did is irrelevant. You need to treat this as you being dumped and plan your moving on. It's been 18 months and wallowing in self pity won't change a thing. There is excellent advice on this website and other websites about how to cope and handle a break up. You should read this advice and follow it. You should be asking yourself do I want to be like this in 18 months time, or 5 years or 10? If the answer to the above is no. Then start moving on. Constantly tearing at the scab and crying "why me?" will do nothing for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 TWD, look at your opening post on this thread. You ask FWW's to justify your pain...which you know full well no one will be able to do. You're not asking for anything anyone can actually help you with. You can't do 'private questions' on this forum until you get PM privileges, and even then, that's probably not the best way for you to sort through your issues/concerns. Now...if you want to talk with a BH who did recover his marriage from his wife's online EA, I'd be glad to publically answer any questions you have that pertains to that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheWalkingDead Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 TWD, look at your opening post on this thread. You ask FWW's to justify your pain...which you know full well no one will be able to do. You're not asking for anything anyone can actually help you with. You can't do 'private questions' on this forum until you get PM privileges, and even then, that's probably not the best way for you to sort through your issues/concerns. Now...if you want to talk with a BH who did recover his marriage from his wife's online EA, I'd be glad to publically answer any questions you have that pertains to that. I don't know any such thing. I figured out a bit ago that if there was some real gain for my fWW, then I could swallow never being able to heal or pursue anything that looks like life as I thought it was. I don't need to talk to the betrayed, not because I don't value their input but because I already know what my experience is--that part I've got figured out--she burned me, it sucks, I live some more time grinding it out every single day, then it's over. What I need to figure out it what was gained by my pain. I've already figured out that I lose, and that I lost my one shot at happiness. I just want to know that my loss served someone other than the dirtbag OM. Thanks for the offer all the same. Dead Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I don't know any such thing. I figured out a bit ago that if there was some real gain for my fWW, then I could swallow never being able to heal or pursue anything that looks like life as I thought it was. I don't need to talk to the betrayed, not because I don't value their input but because I already know what my experience is--that part I've got figured out--she burned me, it sucks, I live some more time grinding it out every single day, then it's over. What I need to figure out it what was gained by my pain. I've already figured out that I lose, and that I lost my one shot at happiness. I just want to know that my loss served someone other than the dirtbag OM. Thanks for the offer all the same. Dead Fair enough. What did your wife tell you that she gained from the affair? Usually it's pretty obvious. She likely gained an ego feed/boost from the attention she got, she likely enjoyed the physical attention she received as well. She probably felt appreciated/valued because someone else was paying attention to her at the time. Simultaneously, she likely never gave much thought to the (at the time) 'potential' pain that you may have felt when it came out in the open...WS's rarely if ever give much focus on that aspect of their affair. She most likely assumed/hoped that you'd never know...and therefore would never 'suffer pain' because of it. This is based off of a long time posting here on this site, having read hundreds, if not thousands of threads and posts by WS's/fWS's both her and on other infidelity sites. I'm curious though...why do you view this with the need to balance her gain vs your pain? It's really irrelevent if you think about it. It's over, it's done, and there's nothing that can be done to erase it. All you can do is learn from it, heal from it, and move on. She did what she did because she did it...because she wanted to at the time...because the pleasure she got out of it (see my comments above) outweighed what she viewed as the likely negative aspects of doing it, since she assumed she'd never get caught anyway. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheWalkingDead Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 "I'm curious though...why do you view this with the need to balance her gain vs your pain? It's really irrelevent if you think about it. It's over, it's done, and there's nothing that can be done to erase it. All you can do is learn from it, heal from it, and move on. She did what she did because she did it...because she wanted to at the time...because the pleasure she got out of it (see my comments above) outweighed what she viewed as the likely negative aspects of doing it, since she assumed she'd never get caught anyway." Owl, I guess as time passes me by and no progress is made (IC was a ripoff artist, workouts make me feel better only while I'm working out, my first "oh, sh*t, that happened usually hits within 30 seconds of waking up, and the triggering seems to be getting worse and worse), I want to know that my slaughter meant something. Yeah, that's it--oddly, I think it would be easier if she was still with the dirtbag. Then she would have destroyed me for a purpose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheBladeRunner Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 "I'm curious though...why do you view this with the need to balance her gain vs your pain? It's really irrelevent if you think about it. It's over, it's done, and there's nothing that can be done to erase it. All you can do is learn from it, heal from it, and move on. She did what she did because she did it...because she wanted to at the time...because the pleasure she got out of it (see my comments above) outweighed what she viewed as the likely negative aspects of doing it, since she assumed she'd never get caught anyway." Owl, I guess as time passes me by and no progress is made (IC was a ripoff artist, workouts make me feel better only while I'm working out, my first "oh, sh*t, that happened usually hits within 30 seconds of waking up, and the triggering seems to be getting worse and worse), I want to know that my slaughter meant something. Yeah, that's it--oddly, I think it would be easier if she was still with the dirtbag. Then she would have destroyed me for a purpose. OP, you are not broke, she is! REMEMBER that! In bold, I get it. My WWXW took up with some maggot that knew she was married, knew she had a family, and proceeded anyway. Two weeks after DDay I move out, a week or two later she asks me to come get my daughter, WWXW is a disaster. I ask what's wrong, she tells me prince charming dumped her. His reason: He was molested by a family member as a child and cannot be in a relationship (what an awesome excuse). Fast forward 9 months later: We walk out of divorce court and she is all emotional about it being "over". My exact words to her were "XXX, I would feel better if D-bag and you actually had something, instead he meddles with YOUR family, you let him, and in the end he breaks up with you because he was molested as a child". I left her in the lot blubbering and drove home, poured myself a drink, and had a cigar. STOP wallowing in your own sh$%! Get some help, do something. Like I said earlier: SHE is broken, not you. SHE messed you over; count your lucky stars you found out. It DOES get better with time, but YOU HAVE TO WANT IT TO! Please don't go down in flames over someone who betrayed you, they are not worth it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheWalkingDead Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 ....I left her in the lot blubbering and drove home, poured myself a drink, and had a cigar. ... It DOES get better with time, but YOU HAVE TO WANT IT TO! Please don't go down in flames over someone who betrayed you, they are not worth it! The drink and the cigar made me smile. I think I'll do that! As far as going down in flames, that's already done....just waiting for someone to dig through the rubble and find me. I get what you (and the whole damn board) is saying....I really do. But I've got no recovery mechanism from this. I recently did a psyche test for work, and it said in neon letters that I honestly, actually, really deeply believe that I'm worthless, unlovable, ugly, weak, stupid, and mostly at fault. No redeeming value, and nonsense in being redeemed without value. You just don't "STOP" believing that....I came in here as a last ditch effort, and it failed. It ain't because you all didn't try or aren't damned convincing...it's because I wasn't meant to be rescued from this. Que sera sera... Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 The drink and the cigar made me smile. I think I'll do that! As far as going down in flames, that's already done....just waiting for someone to dig through the rubble and find me. The only person who can find you is you. After that happens, you have endless opportunities to be found. I get what you (and the whole damn board) is saying....I really do. But I've got no recovery mechanism from this. I recently did a psyche test for work, and it said in neon letters that I honestly, actually, really deeply believe that I'm worthless, unlovable, ugly, weak, stupid, and mostly at fault. No redeeming value, and nonsense in being redeemed without value. You just don't "STOP" believing that....I came in here as a last ditch effort, and it failed. It ain't because you all didn't try or aren't damned convincing...it's because I wasn't meant to be rescued from this. Que sera sera... So you are accepting your ex-partner's cheating on you as evidence that YOU are worthless, no redeeming value, etc, etc. Why do you put that on YOU? Why don't you blame her? In one of your posts you said that (or alluded to) a statement that there is no one except her. That is SO false. Take it from someone who lived years in that kind of despair before I realized that I did not deserve the crap that happened and there definitely - DEFINITELY - are many people out there who can and will love you. You have to start to love yourself first. It's the toughest part. - Hope Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 what is fww Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 what is fww Former wayward wife Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 what is fww Fat Wayward Wife 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Fat Wayward Wife And two women want you? Just wow hahaha. Reminds me of the 6th graders I work around. ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) And two women want you? Just wow hahaha. Reminds me of the 6th graders I work around. Relax, it was just a joke... I was going to say Fabulous Wayward Wife, but it I thought the Betrayed Spouses on here would prefer my first choice... Edited July 30, 2014 by jackslife 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Relax, it was just a joke... I was going to say Fabulous Wayward Wife, but it I thought the Betrayed Spouses on here would prefer my first choice... Yes, I know... Just messing with you! When I first joined in thought it meant f...king wayward wife/spouse! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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