So it's been over a year now...

[SmokeRat]

I've taken quite the holiday from LS, just to give myself some breathing room and see how I would develop since my divorce from the Ex. And while I believe I have made some progress, it feels for every two steps I take, I end up taking around four back.

 

I recall my time spent on LS, to be informative and wholly supportive, which was something I desperately needed during my ex's nearly four year long affair with a co-worker. For those interested in a very long read, feel free to look at my first post and go from there.

 

However, it has been over a year, and my healing process has wholly failed from what I can observe.

 

I suppose the catalyst to this entire thing is finding out, that while she was primarily sleeping with her co-worker, she was also sleeping with a joint friend of ours as well while I was away on my shifts at the fire department. Recently, I received a wedding invitation from the ex-wife for her and this man. I've been subjected to some pretty abusive behaviour at the fire department from civilians on fire scenes, but this act of maliciousness is almost breathtaking.

 

Those that know my story, also know that my ex was constantly ill due to her diabetes and her refusal to care for herself. So it fell to me to be her husband, nurse and on call delivery man (mostly when she forgot her insulin pump at home, or didn't prime her pump with insulin). All the while, using the excuse that she was too tired, or sick, to have any sort of healthy intimacy within the relationship. Mind you, she had enough energy to sleep with two men outside our marriage.

 

So I guess it comes down to this, I am feeling incredibly bitter, angry, confused and sorry for myself.

 

My therapist has me write down all the 'great' things about me every morning to try and bolster my self-esteem, but it really doesn't seem to be working. I get where she is going with it, about all the self sacrifices I regularly make with volunteering, attending community events outside of my fire duties, and my constant presence at a local sick kids hospital in the oncology ward.

 

I've done just about everything people have recommend to keep myself busy, and better myself. This includes going back to school nearly full-time to get my RPN certification, so on top of working my 7-24hr shifts at the fire department, I can fill my days off with being a nurse a few days per week. Regularly working out, running, marathons, tough mudders, spartan races, you name it.

 

Hell, I've even taken up 3 days a month volunteering at the local SPCA.

 

Ultimately, none of this helps. While I used to find so much joy in helping others and subsequently their praise for helping, I just don't care.

 

I used to be enthusiastic with people when I talked about being a fire fighter, a search and rescue team leader and spending lots of my free time with children in the hospital. Now when people ask, I just tell them I work, have a job, keep busy.

 

My ex is thriving, getting married, living in the house that I bought and completely paid off. Still driving the car that I bought for her, and paid off. Mind you, she still doesn't have a permanent position with the school board and will never likely have one due to her affair coming out, and her constant hospital visits and sick time off (normally she'll be hospital bound for about 2-3 months out of the year).

 

Never mind the recurring nightmares and insomnia. As long as I keep busy I seem to do ok, but the moment I stop, then I can't handle it. But at the same time, I'm getting older and being busy at every moment is starting to wear me down as well.

 

Compared to my older post, this seems pretty discombobulated haha. Suppose I need to get back into the swing of things in LS community since I've been gone for so long.

[RightThere]

I don't believe anyone can truly heal 100% from that type of betrayal you've had.

 

I'm in a similar boat with a WW who had more that one affair partner and it went on for a long period of time until I figured it out. All the while being a good husband and waiting on her hand and foot.

 

I am changed forever from it. But in both good ways and bad. I know now that I can get very VERY depressed and still manage to get up every morning and do what I needed to do that day.

 

Not sure if you have kids, but might be time to just pack up and move somewhere new. Distancing yourself from you ex may help you built a brand new life and a brand new outlook for yourself.

 

There is nothing wrong with having poorer self confidence after something like that. In a lot of things, my confidence is a shadow if its former self. But I'm still the same person, just changed.

 

Stay strong.

[mrs rubble]

Hi there.

You must be at the very least celebrating the fact that this, soul-sucking, money-grabbing tramp is now part of your history.

Don't you feel some relief? You don't ever have to worry about her poorly controlled diabetes or the fear of catching some nasty disease off her.

Good ridiance. I say!

It sounds to me like you're doing loads to keep your mind off things, but it's all serious stuff! Fighting fires, nursing people to health, saving animals.

Now it's time to save you!

I guess that's what your therapist is trying to get you to do, with the "great things" exercise. Similar to the "3 things I'm greatful for" which is going around my facebook friends ATM. I was thinking about this myself, as I'm prone to pretty bad depression.

However, I have noticed that when I'm feeling low, I respond really well to comedy..so l was thinking that if I could try to make a consious effort to think of 3 things that made me smile or laugh when I was feeling down it would likely lift my mood.

Don't know if any of my ramble helps.

Stay strong SmokeRat.

Edited July 28, 2014 by mrs rubble

[bubbaganoosh]

If it was me, I would send them a wedding card and when you sign it, tell them both

 

"Good luck in the future, you'll need it being that your marring a cheater, liar and she's marrying a back stabber that will need to sleep with one eye opened at all times because she can't keep her legs together. I don't have to put up with it any longer so now get a leash and collar and drag that dog down the aisle and be prepared for her antics".

 

Then sign it with a smiley face.

[harrybrown]

She really lost out.

 

Her new man will cheat on her or she will cheat on him.

 

Your self-esteem is shot, but you have so much going for you.

 

You need to ramp up the 180 and keep her out of your life. She is not worth all the pain she keeps giving you.

 

Keep up making a better you and hopefully someday you will find someone that is special and a person like you thought she was.

 

You have her out of your life. Keep her out of it. Do not go to the wedding. (unless you take some hot lady on your arm with you)

 

But it would be better to just find someone new that is not a cheating whore.

[Buckeye2]

Good behavior shouldn’t be punished but in your case it was. What makes matters worse is that your good behavior was way above average and so was your punishment.

 

You liked being a firefighter because you were helping people. Now you feel empty because you have learned that hard way that all those good intention and efforts don’t always pay off.

 

Same for working with the SPCA.

 

Doing good deeds now is like touching a hot stove for you. What you have to accept is that you ex is a POS and you got totally screwed in spite of all you did.

 

Good efforts and intentions don’t always yield good results.

 

I think that the wedding invitation is your ex’s acknowledgement of all the thoughtful things you did for her. Even a POS like her knows you’re a great guy.

 

She may be doing great now but she’s getting older. Let the OM take care of her. Not your problem anymore.

 

Don’t let your ex make you think that every stove will burn you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I used to be enthusiastic with people when I talked about being a fire fighter, a search and rescue team leader and spending lots of my free time with children in the hospital. Now when people ask, I just tell them I work, have a job, keep busy.

 

My ex is thriving, getting married, living in the house that I bought and completely paid off. Still driving the car that I bought for her, and paid off.

I'd gently suggest you're over-valuing her position and potential and under-valuing yours.

 

Two specific recommendations:

 

1). Use your time on LS to give constructive advice and guidance to others. You've obviously acquired much hard-won knowledge that would benefit those just starting down the road and can help them gain from the strategies you employed and mistakes you made. You'll find the process cathartic.

 

2). Exercise til you can't put one foot in front of the other. Run. Ride a bike. Join a team. Join another team. Not only will you sleep better but the endorphin will raise your spirits and mood.

 

It's OK to feel sh*tty about where life taken you. It's not OK to do nothing about it. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Bartlett65]

Your situation makes me feel sad. It's just hideous that she would send you and invite. It's cruel and nasty and speaks to her character.

 

It's been about a year for me too since d-day. It's been hell. I have to say, though, that I'm doing fine now, for the most part. There are rough moments, but overall things have mended well. The difference between our situations, however, is instructive, I believe.

 

My husband is truly a changed man. He is a better husband than he ever was before. What he did during the affair was breathtakingly awful. Really, it was about as bad as these things get. I filed for divorce and moved out of state. Instantly. He then had free reign to be with the OW, which is when he realized that, (to paraphrase AD) he'd made a huge mistake. He moved her in and it took about three days for that realization to dawn. That was the point at which he moved her back out and told her he never wanted to see her again. When he contacted me he'd already dumped her and said he understood if I didn't want anything to do with him any more. Frankly, I never thought I would. He was clear on not wanting to be with her, even if I refused to return. That was the deciding factor for me. It was not a situation where we'd try it and then if it didn't work he still had her waiting in the wings. She was gone either way. So, I did the nearly unthinkable and I came back. Since that time he has done everything in his power to make it up, including changing himself in really great ways. He has shown only remorse and total support. I've been crazy a lot of the time, too, so it hasn't been easy.

 

The strength of character he has displayed since realizing the deep wound he inflicted on me has been really eye-opening. It is the polar opposite of what you describe. You are so much better off without that morally bankrupt person in your life. And if the guy she's marrying thinks he won a prize... well, that's a little like winning an all expense paid cruise on a cesspool. Add to that that he's clearly no great catch either and there's a recipe there for everything but happily ever after.

 

I really think you might be wildly over-estimating the thriving anyone over there is doing. Riddle me this: how much of the constant care-taking that your wife needs do you think this OM has gotten to experience, and how long do you think that's going to seem like a delicious honeymoon? I think the blush may very soon be off the rose and he may see that it's pretty worm-infested.

 

I know that may not be much comfort in your suffering.

 

I do also have an ex who married the bimbo he cheated with. That lasted about a year and it wasn't even a fun year. Believe me, karma is a bigger b*tch than anyone ever counts on.

[Bryanp]

I am sure that there is a special hell for people like her. We will see how long her new husband feels about being a caregiver. By the way does the new husband know that she was cheating on him while she was cheating on you.

I would make sure he knows.

[RightThere]

does the new husband know that she was cheating on him while she was cheating on you.

I would make sure he knows.

 

My advice would be don't even bother. Neither of them are your problem anymore.

 

Hopefully you shredded the wedding invitation, and let them have a life all to themselves.

[RightThere]

I do also have an ex who married the bimbo he cheated with. That lasted about a year and it wasn't even a fun year. Believe me, karma is a bigger b*tch than anyone ever counts on.

 

It's amazing. My WW moved out and in with her OM. Within a month of living together, they were already trying to schedule couples counselling. Within 2 months she was already planning her escape and was totally moved out within 4 months.

 

Let them go. Once they realize "affairy-land" was not even close to real life, it crashes and burns but quick.

[No Limit]

I am sure that there is a special hell for people like her.

 

The deepest depths of hell are reserved for traitors.

 

OP, I know you believe her life has improved etc, but it hasn't. She doesn't lead a perfect life. She might lie that to herself, which wouldn't be surprising because most people never get out of the affair fog, but don't believe any of that.

I think keeping busy is the way to get you out of the box, but now you have to ask yourself what it is you would actually love to do with all your heart, not just to pass more time. You have a life beyond that b!tch, especially now that she's out of the way.

 

There's no truth lies can make. Quickly getting into another marriage to suck the next poor sap's money out of his pockets isn't a happy life. Wasting time with things that are meaningless to you neither.

 

edit

I looked through your older posts. In one of them you wrote that your wife said that she is "in love with the idea of a marriage and all that it brought". That should have been a big hint for you; she's looking for a comfortable life. You provided that for her, and now the OM is the next.

 

I think you need a lot of space and distance from the place where your ex lives. You're thinking too much about what other people are thinking about you for being divorced, your hatred for your ex doesn't cease because you keep getting reminders and provocations and you feel that life has hit you. It has indeed, but you can always turn things around.

Just stop thinking "I miss my wife". The old wife you had is dead and buried, and the new wife probably signed up for a deal with the devil.

 

Ask yourself what you want in life. And by all means, scratch whatever money you have and move to a place of your liking and far, far away.

You need a home again, bro.

Edited July 28, 2014 by No Limit

[compulsivedancer]

I think you already know you're a good guy. I think you already know you're worth it. Which is why doing good and thinking good thoughts about yourself doesn't help.

 

What you don't understand is why you being a good guy was punished. You are accepting the blame for something she did. You need to put this where it belongs - on her.

 

Keep doing good, but also take control of your life. Don't let anyone walk all over you.

 

You are running yourself ragged. Perhaps you don't need more stuff in your life. Maybe try a different approach. Perhaps try yoga or mediation, or walking in the park instead of trying to fill your time.

 

Just a few thoughts. If what you're doing isn't working, it may be time to try something else.

[aliveagain]

You never ever forget and unfortunately it often gets carried forward into your new relationship. Sending you that invite was cruel, she still thinks your friends. May I suggest the perfect wedding gift, a jumbo box of condoms(extra small) for him and a half dozen pregnancy test kit's for her and if your feeling extra generous one or two paternity DNA kits for the two of them. Show them you really give a sh*t.

[96nole]

Smokey

Good to see you back. Our stories are very similar. My ex was cheating with some dirtbag. I divorced her 2 years ago. I signed the house over to her and he promptly moved in (from his mothers house). She was already pregnant with his kid and they got married a few months later. She also had a bunch of health problems I was dealing with.

I felt mad, disrespected, wondered why it was all so unfair. Pissed he was living in the house she and I bought. Pissed he was driving a car that was mine at one point.

 

Now, 2 years later...I'm glad she is gone.

-Her health problems....not my problem anymore.

-The house....there were a lot of major repairs/improvements I don't have to worry about anymore.

-Been dating a new girl for the past few months. And not to sound too crude, but the new girlfriend gives better BJ's than the ex-wife did.

-I even have a new job. The old one completely sucked.

 

At the time, my ex looked like she was thriving as well. Recently I've heard through the grapevine that things aren't too great with the ex wife. She's stuck at a job that I know she hates and has hated for over 10 years. The dirtbag doesn't mesh very well with her family. He doesn't work much. (thus the reason she is stuck at the job she hates).

But here is the most important part: I don't give a sh*t. I don't care if they are miserable or blissfully happy. She, like your ex, lied to my face, disrespected me, dishonored me and my family. I don't want someone like that in my life.

 

Trust me when I say you just don't know how lucky you are that she is gone.

-Sending you an invitation to her wedding to the guy she was screwing behind your back....THAT IS MESSED UP!

-The house..just wood and bricks. You can always buy another house that hasn't been tainted by her.

-The car...it'll break down one day and it won't be your problem.

She may look like she is thriving, but I doubt it will last. And ultimately it doesn't matter......She is not your problem anymore.

[SmokeRat]

I appreciate everyone taking the time to read my post and giving freely, their advice . It is a refreshing reminder why I enjoyed my stay on LS in the first place, despite the circumstances that brought me here.

 

Just to answer a few questions moving forward:

 

The Other (other) man does know that my ex was sleeping around, doesn't seem to phase him. Last I heard the married man she was sleeping with moved out of province with his wife and three kids. So I suppose that works in the Other(other) man's favour.

 

I suppose another thing that bothers me about the entire situation is years ago I spoke to XW about a little pipe dream I had after I had some seniority in the FD. I always wanted to open my own comic book store and have it as a hobby job. Soon as I brought it up, I was lectured to the third degree about retail people being uneducated *censored word(s)*. Oddly enough, her soon to be husband is a comic book store owner, but I suppose his edge over me is that he's a renowned portrait artist throughout North America. I'm talking, amazingly talented in his art.

 

I'd love to just up and leave where I currently am, however, I'm attached at the hip with my FD. Applying to a new FD is a giant PITA, and regardless of my years of service, I'd have to apply with the new recruits fresh out of college. No thank you haha.

 

Good example of where I am at.

 

I just finished 6 hours of assisted teaching at the Train the Trainer course for our local SAR Team. I love it. I thrive when I'm there, because it is a constant disconnect. But now I'm home, it's past 11pm and I'm just sitting down to dinner alone. Have to be back up at 5am tomorrow to start another shift, and it's quite here at my apartment.

 

On my way home, I have to drive past the area where I used to live, and thank the fire gods, I've never gotten the urge to drive past my old house. But, it was a pretty lonely moment driving home tonight, because I'd normally stop off at McDonald's (gross I know) and pick her up a late night snack, and myself one as well, and we'd watch Friends' reruns for an hour together. I enjoyed that, because it was simple.

 

Her soon to be husband knows her medical history, thoroughly. However, I do have to give it to my XW, after I left and she had her new hubby move in with her, she changed her medical lifestyle around hardcore. Went off her insulin pump and on to the stick and prick method, from what I hear she's managed to get herself in a much healthier state. Although, fact of the matter is she's done irreversible damage to her body, and as sad as it is to stay, she's probably cut a good 10-15 years off her life.

 

So who knows, maybe she's changed her ways and met her 'soul-mate'. I doubt it, but a part of me is so resentful that maybe, just maybe, she's actually changed and is happier now.

 

At the end of the day, I miss my marriage, maybe not to her, but the premise of what my marriage stood for. I miss the familiarity, the exclusiveness (on my end), the illusion of being settled down and happy. And while I'm not 'old', as I'm in my very early 30's, I feel this giant cloud of anger, resentment, frustration and embarrassment about my situation. I'm divorced and I'm ashamed of it, I'm angry that she's moved past it so smoothly.

 

Just one of those nights I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I'm ashamed of that as well.

[bigman1]

Okey dokey Smokey, I have to lay some smack down. I know you are feeling like crap because your wife is getting married and will be in "your" house. Okay, grieve over that for a minute. Now, let's put this mess in its proper perspective.

 

You were married to a lying, cheating, sick, diabetic. You loved her, but that's over. You were her nurse, etc. Do you derive your sense of purpose from caring for sick people all of the damn time? You save lives for a a freaking living. You sir are sounding like the person who wants to run back into the burning house to save a memento. Stop!!!

 

You are more than that house. It is just a thing. you can get another one and better. Sure you worked for it, but hell, you were perfectly fine before you bought the thing. It should not define you. If anything, you should be condescending. Her new caretaker is going to live in the house that he could not afford. he has your sloppy seconds.

 

You loved her, I get that. Sadly, that was a tragic mistake. I had a family member who loved his dope. He did anything and everything to get it, he safeguarded it, and he longed for it when it was not around. he'd fight you for using it, but in the end, it was dope. He should never have gotten involved with it. Sure he had some good times while on it. Great friendships surrounding it, but still it was dope and it was his downfall. Getting clean damn near killed him. You need to get clean. This sick non compliant diabetic cheating woman was your dope. Nothing more.

 

Get your mind right. She was not all that, he is not all that and what they got from you really is not all that. Every time you think of some good stuff about her, think of the bad. Remember this, and you know it already, in her condition, he is really just getting problems that will get worse with time.

 

You lost nothing but a bad habit. Say that daily. Always challenge good thoughts about them with the truth-bad thoughts. There is so much opportunity for you to get things and relationships out here, but you aren't looking. Start looking. It's hard, but you gotta stop believing the fairy tale and face the truth. Life with HER sucked, life with YOU was awesome. You still have you.

 

I do hope you feel better, but you have to start taking aggressive steps to claim your healing. time does heal old wounds, but who's got time to wait? You have to work at it. Start by recognizing the truth. She was a drain on you. A leech. A liar. You were great and have been giving her credit for your greatness. Stop.

[10thengineerharrison]

You're still in your early 30s? I don't think I was ever that young!

 

Plenty of time to get this marriage thing down right.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison