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Husband cheating...maybe


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I have been married for 10 years, and have a 6 year old son. About two and a half years ago my H started getting emails from a college girlfriend with whom he'd not spoken in 20 years. I knew of her name and that he'd been quite smitten with her back then. We are older (married at 40) and we've both led full lives so I do not tend to get jealous when he communicates with female friends or ex-gfs. But this one was different. At first he'd be open about their calls and emails. She even called the house phone and he wasn't secretive about it. Then last Feb. things changed. He'd travelled several times, which isn't uncommon. He was in the area of the ex-gf and when I casually asked if he'd seen her, he said yes...they had lunch. For some reason, this surprised me. I started to wonder if they'd had more than lunch.

 

 

He travelled on 3 more business trips after this time. Since their "lunch" in Feb, she no longer calls on the house phone and he is very protective of his cellphone. I noticed he shuts it off completely at night, but for years he left it on and on his bedside because we have tenants who sometimes call in the middle of the night. His explanation was that he was trying to encourage the property managers to take on more responsibility.

 

 

He has been vague at times with explanations of his whereabouts. He runs a lot of errands after we put our son to bed. She doesn't live anywhere near us, so they aren't seeing each other but maybe this is when they speak. His cell bills are in his company name and I cannot access those records. I only know he NEVER leaves his phone out and he generally deletes all of the texts.

 

 

We are still intimate, but he seems disengaged. Emotionally disengaged although sometimes he has even more sexual energy. It is confusing.

 

 

Another change is that he has lost weight. He became quite overweight due to job stress and since mid winter has taken it upon himself to diet and cycle almost every day.

 

 

I admit this could all be in my head. I have gone through his computer but I didn't see anything. Then again, I am not computer savvy and he has access to work computers. I haven't seen any gifts, signs of a woman or things of that nature. I don't want to confront without specific evidence because I believe it will damage our relationship and the mutual trust that I thought was important. I also travel for work and I do socialize independently...and I would NEVER consider straying from my husband. I don't want any accusations to backfire and wind up hurting me more.

 

 

Can you guys assess the "symptoms" I've described and tell me how nervous I should be and what I should do?

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SamSam,

 

Wish I could tell you otherwise, but as a recent BH, your situation has all the earmarks of your husband having an A with the old GF. In my case my WW hooked up with an old BF from before we met. She stopped using his name once the EA and PA started. She never talked to him on the phone if I was in the room.

 

Wish you the best, but it certainly feels like something is going on between them. What does your gut tell you?

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Assessment looks like he's very interested in her.

 

Do you have a key logger on his computer? Have you consider a spy app on his phone or even a gps to track where he is?

 

Is the other gal married? What do you know about her?

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I have been married for 10 years, and have a 6 year old son. About two and a half years ago my H started getting emails from a college girlfriend with whom he'd not spoken in 20 years. I knew of her name and that he'd been quite smitten with her back then. We are older (married at 40) and we've both led full lives so I do not tend to get jealous when he communicates with female friends or ex-gfs. But this one was different. At first he'd be open about their calls and emails. She even called the house phone and he wasn't secretive about it. Then last Feb. things changed. He'd travelled several times, which isn't uncommon. He was in the area of the ex-gf and when I casually asked if he'd seen her, he said yes...they had lunch. For some reason, this surprised me. I started to wonder if they'd had more than lunch.

 

 

He travelled on 3 more business trips after this time. Since their "lunch" in Feb, she no longer calls on the house phone and he is very protective of his cellphone. I noticed he shuts it off completely at night, but for years he left it on and on his bedside because we have tenants who sometimes call in the middle of the night. His explanation was that he was trying to encourage the property managers to take on more responsibility.

 

 

He has been vague at times with explanations of his whereabouts. He runs a lot of errands after we put our son to bed. She doesn't live anywhere near us, so they aren't seeing each other but maybe this is when they speak. His cell bills are in his company name and I cannot access those records. I only know he NEVER leaves his phone out and he generally deletes all of the texts.

 

 

We are still intimate, but he seems disengaged. Emotionally disengaged although sometimes he has even more sexual energy. It is confusing.

 

 

Another change is that he has lost weight. He became quite overweight due to job stress and since mid winter has taken it upon himself to diet and cycle almost every day.

 

 

I admit this could all be in my head. I have gone through his computer but I didn't see anything. Then again, I am not computer savvy and he has access to work computers. I haven't seen any gifts, signs of a woman or things of that nature. I don't want to confront without specific evidence because I believe it will damage our relationship and the mutual trust that I thought was important. I also travel for work and I do socialize independently...and I would NEVER consider straying from my husband. I don't want any accusations to backfire and wind up hurting me more.

 

 

Can you guys assess the "symptoms" I've described and tell me how nervous I should be and what I should do?

 

It is not always correct when we happen to assume things. However, there seems to be some sort of evidence which suggests that something is going on here. Simply based on all of the changes that you have been witnessing as of late. Including all of the differences with the phone, his weight, and general intimacy. Rapid and extreme changes in behavior can suggest that all is not status quo.

 

 

Therefore, confronting him would not be the worst thing at this point. You can definitely do it in a nonthreatening way. I would suggest saying something along the lines that you are wondering why he has been so different lately. Let him have a chance to respond and watch his body movements. His reactions may be rather enlightening. Having the conversation would not be easy at all. However, that does not make it any less important.

 

 

The other option would be to let things continue as they are. So as to see how the situation continues to develop over the coming days. The only issue with that is that you may go crazy not knowing. It may be best to know the truth so that you can decide how to react going forward.

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Assessment looks like he's very interested in her.

 

Do you have a key logger on his computer? Have you consider a spy app on his phone or even a gps to track where he is?

 

Is the other gal married? What do you know about her?

 

 

 

Other gal is in the process of divorce. Apparently been separated for a while, has 3 teens. She is apparently well off, doesn't work, raising kids had a horrible marriage. I"ve seen very old photos of her in my H's graduation pictures. She is attractive, or was.

 

 

I don't know how to put a key logger on...he rarely uses home computer, and his laptop is owned by the company. What do you know about the spy app? As far as gps...he doesn't drive to see her, if he sees her, it would be during business travel. I'm scared these spying techiniques would backfire if my suspicions were off and he found out.

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It is not always correct when we happen to assume things. However, there seems to be some sort of evidence which suggests that something is going on here. Simply based on all of the changes that you have been witnessing as of late. Including all of the differences with the phone, his weight, and general intimacy. Rapid and extreme changes in behavior can suggest that all is not status quo.

 

 

Therefore, confronting him would not be the worst thing at this point. You can definitely do it in a nonthreatening way. I would suggest saying something along the lines that you are wondering why he has been so different lately. Let him have a chance to respond and watch his body movements. His reactions may be rather enlightening. Having the conversation would not be easy at all. However, that does not make it any less important.

 

 

The other option would be to let things continue as they are. So as to see how the situation continues to develop over the coming days. The only issue with that is that you may go crazy not knowing. It may be best to know the truth so that you can decide how to react going forward.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I should probably just have the conversation. So worried about how to do it and it creating a rift between us that will be difficult.

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Speaking from experience (as another woman) you should hide a voice activated recorder in his vehicle. He probably talks to her in the car, and if he has bluetooth, you'll even be able to pick up both sides of the conversation. I know this because my MM and I talk about five times a day - and he's usually in his car.

 

The cell phone and erasing messages is a big clue. My MM won't let his cellphone out of his sight, and also erases my number immediately after I call. He once drove ten miles home to get his phone because he forgot it and was afraid I would call and his wife would get my number. Or worse yet, I would open the conversation with "Hello Sweetie!"

 

He hasn't lost any weight, but he has made changes in grooming.

 

Based on my experience, your spidey senses are dead on.

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Yes, I should probably just have the conversation. So worried about how to do it and it creating a rift between us that will be difficult.

 

 

Your happiness going forward has to be more than worth the initial discomfort. There is most likely no way you will find any peace of mind at this point unless there are some specific answers. His behavior has been rather erratic lately. Not much doubt as to that. That by itself opens up the need for an immediate conversation. It is unusual for a partner to have such severe behavior changes within a short amount of time. He cannot really be angry at your concern in relation to them. It would be a totally normal reaction for you to have. Whether or not he is cheating on you remains to be seen. There are definitely some serious warning signs and you deserve to know the truth.

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Hope Shimmers

No, the signs and symptoms don't look good.

 

I don't think you are going to be able to install a keylogger on his computer or apps on his phone (especially if you can never access these devices because he keeps them private). Even if you could physically access them, he probably has password protected, and even if you could get around that, if they are work devices then it's unlikely you could install anything on them.

 

I think you have enough circumstantial evidence to ask him if he is communicating with this woman. Just the fact that he was open about it before but now isn't, is reason enough, let alone all the other changes.

 

I hope I'm wrong!

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Yes, I should probably just have the conversation. So worried about how to do it and it creating a rift between us that will be difficult.

 

I suggest not confronting now. You have no real evidence and your questioning him now would just make them take more care in what they do. So I'd try to get more evidence first.

 

I'd try the voice activated recorder (VAR) in his car. Other folks have described that. And I'd be on the lookout for strange behavior. Does your H often travel to the OW's area?

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I was pretty damn reluctant to spy on my spouse, too. That sure went out the window when I discovered 17 mid-day hotel reservations with the local Sheraton (which turned out only to be about 1/4 of the total - my wife had a lot of star points).

 

Find out the truth. If you're wrong, talk to your husband about your insecurities.

 

Oh, and please consider this statement: a confrontation rarely serves a purpose and frequently stops you from getting the truth. I allow an exception for confronting with divorce papers.

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Yes, I should probably just have the conversation. So worried about how to do it and it creating a rift between us that will be difficult.

 

You aren't the one causing the rift - he is by being emotionally invested in her - probably physically now too.

 

Face it hard on and tell him you know he's into her. Ask him if he wants her or you - tell him he can't have both. If he won't stop with her, leave him.

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Ok, well last night I was so worked up after reading on here and going round and round in my head over the details which don't add up I confronted him. Unfortunately, it just kind of spewed out of my mouth in a way which wasn't well formed or planned. It was impulsive because I've been holding it in for a while.

 

 

He came home from cycling and I just dropped it on him like a wet towel. I said I was hurt and suspicious and agonizing for a while about the nature of his relationship with N. He looked blind sided, immediately told me I was wrong and misunderstanding. He went and showered and when he returned to the kitchen he gave ME the cold shoulder, saying he was hurt by my implications.

 

 

We couldn't discuss much more as my son was up. It wasn't good planning on my part. When I get really worked up, I have a hard time staying calm and focused. This morning I read some of the responses to this thread suggesting I wait, observe and don't confront yet. I'm just not good at that. I felt like once I really started to think about it, I was going to go nuts. I don't know if I could be mindful enough to do the VAC and the other stuff. I don't know. Anyway, now he is suspicious of my suspicions. Sigh.

 

 

So after my son went to bed he tells me I have nothing to worry about. He has travel planned for mid August. I suggested that our son stay with my mom and I join him. He looked stunned by my request but didn't say no. Said he had to look at his itinerary on Monday and would let me know. I reminded him that a year ago we talked about needing more time alone away from son and extended family. I hurt. I really hurt.

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Ok, well last night I was so worked up after reading on here and going round and round in my head over the details which don't add up I confronted him. Unfortunately, it just kind of spewed out of my mouth in a way which wasn't well formed or planned. It was impulsive because I've been holding it in for a while.

 

 

He came home from cycling and I just dropped it on him like a wet towel. I said I was hurt and suspicious and agonizing for a while about the nature of his relationship with N. He looked blind sided, immediately told me I was wrong and misunderstanding. He went and showered and when he returned to the kitchen he gave ME the cold shoulder, saying he was hurt by my implications.

 

 

We couldn't discuss much more as my son was up. It wasn't good planning on my part. When I get really worked up, I have a hard time staying calm and focused. This morning I read some of the responses to this thread suggesting I wait, observe and don't confront yet. I'm just not good at that. I felt like once I really started to think about it, I was going to go nuts. I don't know if I could be mindful enough to do the VAC and the other stuff. I don't know. Anyway, now he is suspicious of my suspicions. Sigh.

 

 

So after my son went to bed he tells me I have nothing to worry about. He has travel planned for mid August. I suggested that our son stay with my mom and I join him. He looked stunned by my request but didn't say no. Said he had to look at his itinerary on Monday and would let me know. I reminded him that a year ago we talked about needing more time alone away from son and extended family. I hurt. I really hurt.

 

It's okay. I know it is hard to control yourself in these types of situations. You are thrown way out of kilter, that is for sure! Don't beat yourself up for impulsively speaking out.

 

IMO, his reaction of being blindsided for a moment and then giving you the cold shoulder and blaming you for being suspicious sure smacks of a guy involved in something he shouldn't be.

 

What should you do now? Lay low. Apologize to him for your "outburst" this weekend. I'm seriously rolling my eyes as I write that. :p Just say you were tired or in a cranky mood or something. Go back to being sweet and act oblivious.

 

My H's other woman also lived far away so he spent a lot of time on the phone with her rather than seeing her. Since you can't look at cellphone records (which was my first clue), I would definitely get a VAR for his car. I would bet, that when he goes out to run errands after your son goes to bed, that he is using that time to call her. My H used to do the same thing. He needs his little "fix" of talking to her before bed. He probably calls her on his way to work every morning. Does he have a long commute? Or does he leave earlier for work in the morning.

 

Other posters on your thread gave you some excellent suggestions about the VAR. I did not need to do one and didn't know about them until afterward. I know you said you were nervous about using one but they are pretty "passive" once you hide it in his car. Install it in his car and then wait a few days and retrieve it. Wait until he is in the shower or something-or install and uninstall it when he is on a bike ride and otherwise away.

 

Again, I'm betting that is when he is doing a lot of talking to her--in the car. This might be the easiest way to catch him with minimal effort on your part.

 

I know, it feels yucky to have to check up on your spouse. I'm so sorry.

 

Also, the fact that he used to talk about her openly with you-she used to call the house-and now he is tight-lipped about her...well that is a HUGE clue.

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I wish I could give you good news but as a former WS, every single thing you have mentioned reeks of an emotional or even physical affair.

 

Even his response sounds like the response of a guilty man. If you look under signs of an affair on the internet I'd bet his behaviour would tick every box.

 

In terms of denial, look under 'gas lighting'.

 

I know this is 'closing the door after the horse has bolted' advice, but you should have nipped the ex in the bud very quickly. Men can have women friends but ex's should are should be avoided like the plague.

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I looked at her fb page and there aren't any "signs" on there. Just some pictures of her kids. It looks not very active. She isn't "friends" with my H on there, at least.

 

 

I will try to lay low and I will think about the VAR. I talked with a mutual friend who says she couldn't see my H ever doing such a thing.

 

 

I guess I should stop being intimate with him. Since my anxieties of late, I haven't wanted to anyway.

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I looked at her fb page and there aren't any "signs" on there. Just some pictures of her kids. It looks not very active. She isn't "friends" with my H on there, at least.

 

 

I will try to lay low and I will think about the VAR. I talked with a mutual friend who says she couldn't see my H ever doing such a thing.

 

 

I guess I should stop being intimate with him. Since my anxieties of late, I haven't wanted to anyway.

 

I also had friends who said my XH could never do this to me the 1st time he cheated. Not true. You can't use this as a measure of what another person will do.

 

I understand your trepidation at using the VAR. For me, I knew in my heart what he was doing, but I didn't want to see it in black and white (keylogger). I finally did and it hurt, but at least I knew what was going on. (Unbelievably, he tried to tell me that I was crazy after I saw it in black and white) Use the VAR and find out what is going on.

 

Oh, any my XH wasn't even friends with OW on facebook after I became suspicious. But there were plenty of messages and eventually, they became friends again. Sickening, really. Such deception and looking me straight in the face and lying to me, trying to make me feel like I was crazy and paranoid. UGH! :sick: Find out the truth.

 

Everyone does not have the same experience as me and you might be able to work out your marriage. I didn't want to fix mine anymore for many reasons, but I can tell you that I am more than glad that I could make a decision based on what I knew and not just what I thought. I am so grateful that I am not with someone who would and did treat me the way he did.

 

So sorry for your situation and good luck to you.

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Does anyone have any specific advice on the VAC's? I am very low tech. I want one that is super easy if I go forth with this. Where do you get them?

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I don't think we can (or should) post links here but they're easily obtainable online, sold by Amazon and others. Don't delay, in your case knowledge is definitely power...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Or if you do not want it mailed to you, go to Radio Shack, Best Buy or stores like that.

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I haven't looked for them but I've read here that you can get Voice Activated Recorders (VARs) for as low as $5 at Walmart. You could also google "spy stores" in your zipcode. That's where I got a GPS to track my wife's car.

 

Best advice I heard was to put the VAR under the steering column (not easy to spot and still catches their audio - unlike putting it under the seat). It takes some guts placing and retrieving these things but when you can't personally inspect the phone, the VAR is by far the easiest, cheapest, and most reliable route. Affair partners frequently talk on the phone on the way to/from work. It sounds like your H also has to have one more contact to say nite nite.

 

I also liked the suggestion to cover up any lights on it. That was a new learning for me.

 

Hopefully you've learned your lesson about confronting without hard proof. I even think that's a waste of time. It just reveals your sources and helps them to cover things up better. Play stupid and compliant. You don't need to convince him that he's cheating (he already knows). You just need to convince yourself. And then take action. As I said before, confrontations are best done with divorce papers.

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Betrayed H...wish I had your strength in the moment to not confront without concrete evidence, because I seem to be failing in that area.

 

 

I SWORE to myself I'd play it cool. Act like yesterday I was just oversensitive, observe for a while and hopefully (or hopefully not) find concrete evidence.

 

 

That didn't work. At 5pm I started agonizing over yesterday. Had a glass of wine and when H came home I felt bitter. He starts telling me about his project like NOTHING happened and I lost it. I told him "I know" he is hiding something from me. I tell him that I don't trust him to travel. I ask him if he thinks I was born yesterday etc. etc.

 

 

What does he say to this???? He asks ME how much I've had to drink (exactly one glass of wine) as if to imply I'd only cook this sh*t up in my head if intoxicated.

 

 

I got furious, locked myself in our room expecting he'd come to see if I was ok. I come back out and he is in the playroom with our son watching tv. I call our son to come with me to take the dog outside and when we come back, H is gone. I text him and he said he needed to go back to the office! When I challenge him on that, he says "Clearly I'm not welcome at home when you are in this type of a mood."

 

 

So...I end up feeling like a irrational, perimenopausal nut job. I am not happy. I wish I had the self control to keep my mouth shut, but once I allowed these thoughts to really grow in my head, I just can't "play ignorant" anymore.

 

 

I seriously don't know what to do. I will suggest to him that we see a counselor together, but right now I just put my son to bed and I just want to cry and hide.

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Counseling?! He doesn't even want to be in the same room with you. If he's cheating and purposefully hiding it from you so he can keep doing so, 'counseling' wont help.

 

People who have been in your position have already made suggestions, good ones.

 

Get a VAR if you want to know the truth.

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Once I knew for sure, I was only able to sit on the info for 3 days. Don't worry; you're normal. I'm just speaking to you as a voice of experience. But the reality is that most of us have had to experience it ourselves to learn. You've confronted him twice now and truly, it's gotten you nowhere. If anything, he probably left so he could make a call to the OW and tell her that "we need to lay low for a while." This stifles your ability to investigate.

 

I think one of the big tricks in these early days of gaslighting (homework: look that term up) is to do your utmost to make decisions with your head instead of with your emotions. It's a really tall order because you know that everything in your life (past and future) is riding on what the truth is so you want it NOW.

 

But you must understand that cheaters rarely deviate from the cheater's handbook. They have steeled their will to NEVER admit the truth. They will lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. They figure if they never admit it, then you'll never really know.

 

Fortunately, most of them arw grossly overconfident in their skills of subterfuge. What's really gotten them so far is the trust of their spouse. There's a trail; you just have to find it. But you gotta stop showing him your cards. Right now he'a probably getting his story straight with the OW, revising communication plans, and deleting whatever he can think of.

 

It'a really tough not to be emotional. But the reality is that you are going to be ok after all of this no matter what happens. You will survive and thrive. But you gotta get your head in the game.

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If anything, he probably left so he could make a call to the OW and tell her that "we need to lay low for a while." This stifles your ability to investigate.

 

But you must understand that cheaters rarely deviate from the cheater's handbook. They have steeled their will to NEVER admit the truth. They will lie, deny, minimize, gaslight, and lie some more. They figure if they never admit it, then you'll never really know.

 

 

If you'd have gone out and bought a VAR and planted it in his car, then maybe you'd know. if your husband did what BetrayedH is suggesting, calling the OW and telling her they need to lay low, you'd have some proof instead of driving yourself up the wall with maybes.

 

OP have you done any reaserch on VARS? Do you plan on buying one?

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