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Wife wants me to leave home and child and separate


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Well hello world. My wife of 8 years told me 7 months ago that she was done with our marriage. We had not had too much of an intimate relationship for years. More like roommates. We tried counselling. She warned me that things needed to change. She wanted to feel loved and to be able to talk to someone. I would try but worked a lot and suffered from anxiety. So I did the worst... Panicked! You know the routine.. Now I know that's exactly what not to do..

 

So anyway after begging she basically allowed me to stick around and things were ok. Not great by any means but we kept the peace and remained polite. Until now. I ended up checking the cell phone bill and she had been texting OM. I blew up just a little and she claimed it was just friendly conversation. She says she does it to cope because she is over with our marriage. She denies any affair and I'm not sure if she is or not. She now says she's totally miserable and wants to change her life. She doesn't have any feelings for me any more.

 

So what do I do.. I Panicked!.... I love you, why are you doing this, I'll do anything.. I love you.. text message terrorism , accusations, etc.. etc..

 

We have a 6 year old and my wife has no problems at all with letting me leave my family . I told her I don't want to leave and she basically says eventually it will have to be.

 

I finally agreed to leave temporarily but it will strain us financially. I've not left yet and really don't want to leave my daughter.

 

I'm fighting within myself. Should I leave and give her break. Should I do the 180? Could I do that at home? Should I leave for a few weeks then just come back and then do the 180 at home. She says she's not certain she wants a divorce but that she's pretty sure it will come to that. If it weren't for my kid it wouldn't be a big of a deal but she means the world to me.

 

Geddy

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DO NOT LEAVE!

 

If she is the one who checked out of the marriage, she should be the one to leave.

 

And, yes, do the 180.

 

So sorry you are going through this...

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Agree. If she no longer wants the marriage then she should be the one to end it, not force it on you so that you look like the bad guy.

 

 

Fight for your kid, too. (not that it matters, the court already knows what it's going to do... )

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You want to fix things, but she doesn't.

Just like what Luke Bryan said "Ain't no reason running something already gone"

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Does anyone think this woman may have a legitimate complaint? She simply wants to be loved and wants somebody to talk to and he, in his own words, "panicked".

 

"So what do I do.. I Panicked!.... I love you, why are you doing this, I'll do anything.. I love you.. text message terrorism , accusations, etc.. etc.."

 

Why are we assuming that she wants to cheat rather than assuming that she just wants her husband to be ... a husband?

 

Is it possible the relationship can be saved if his "panicking" behavior is addressed?

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Why are we assuming that she wants to cheat rather than assuming that she just wants her husband to be ... a husband?

Per the OP, she is already communicating with an OM:

 

"I ended up checking the cell phone bill and she had been texting OM."

 

It is, at least, an emotional affair and it may already be physical.

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Per the OP, she is already communicating with an OM:

 

"I ended up checking the cell phone bill and she had been texting OM."

 

It is, at least, an emotional affair and it may already be physical.

 

Is texting someone else always an emotional affair? She needs somebody to talk to. People talk to others about a variety of things including their relationships and it doesn't amount to an affair.

 

Just because he called the person she is texting an OM doesn't mean she's in an affair. Emotional or otherwise. Yet.

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I am not surprised to hear the bad news :(

 

I am trying every last chance there may be. To add more detail, we broke up once before we ended up marrying. I really don't want to leave but maybe for a couple weeks? Get myself right, meditate or pray. Then come back and sit on the couch and be cool. Ride the storm out.. Until the papers get served or whatever. She says she has no plan if I were to go. She works part time and says she'll have to get a better paying job. I don't want her to leave and then my child suffer while staying at some unknown place. I wouldn't be able to take care of my child alone due to my working hours, and her school and what not. And there's no way she would civilly agree to her leaving her child anyway.

 

I was finally able to at least get her to say she wishes everything would be great. (just doesn't think they can be) and said maybe she would at some point realize she's being dumb.

 

My wife has suffered depression and really had some sort of break down / mid life crisis 7 months ago and has gotten in to shape and is apparently dying for attention. She's just repeatedly said she's miserable, sick of her life and will change it no matter what. I do not want to loose her under any circumstances but make no mistake, keeping my family together is now my top priority.

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Just wait. This story will unfold and 99% of the time, the cheater's lying and the spouse nailed it. Been on LS since 2006 (assorted usernames), so I've seen an overwhelming pattern of this.

 

I agree. Certain patterns repeat themselves on this site.

 

Which is why I thought it may be important to address his emotional issues. To me, they seem to be the root of the problem. He will have to take care of that if he wants a successful relationship with his wife or any other woman.

 

By his own admission, she has clearly told him that she wants to be loved and needs to be able to talk to him. "Panicking" is not a helpful response and has led to the situation he's in.

 

The dead marriage, texting and "OM" seem to be symptoms rather than the disease that's killing his marriage.

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I had actually tried to request to move it to the divorce and separation category. I think that's where I intended to be.

Does anyone know why she would deny any affair. She's already said she lost feelings for me. Why wouldn't she admit it? The texting lasted a week. Then stopped. There was a few OM. 3 over last several months. One from another state. I guess I'm just holding on to hope that she'll pass this stage and realize she doesn't really want to break up a family when no one else really will make her happy..

 

She has said that that's part of the problem... That I can't understand why she's unhappy..

 

And yes I have worked on myself but she just throws out such a blanket statement, that she wants to talk and be loved. Of course I love her and talk to her but it's hard when she's always wrapped up in smart phone /social media etc! I'm starting to panic again.

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Ok... So odds are it's an affair, whether emotional or possibly physical.. Even though she adamantly denies it. Does it matter at this point? I can't really freak out because that's one of the rules. I can't snoop or spy, right?

 

If I just wait it out will she see that I'm not giving up and she may want to work at our marriage one last time? I continue to be nice to her. Stay at home and see what steps she takes..?

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bubbaganoosh

Does anyone know why she would deny any affair. She's already said she lost feelings for me. Why wouldn't she admit it? The texting lasted a week. Then stopped. There was a few OM. 3 over last several months. One from another state.

 

Of course she going to deny an affair. It will put her in a bad light and she'll look bad and it's obvious that she doesn't want to have her image tarnished.

 

Now with you, 3 other guys so far. How many more before you say enough? 9? 10? Look friend you better go find you back bone that you lost and let her know in a real serious manner that if she wants out then point to the door and tell her to leave and say it in a way that she knows your not fooling around.

 

If she has any intentions of trying to work it out with you, then you damn well better let her know that if you find out she's talking to other guys and pulling this crap, not only will she be gone but you'll be packing her bags for her.

 

I know you don't want to be away from your kid but you can't live under the gun and function in a normal way. She's getting involved with other men. maybe not anything physical yet but if you let this go one, there's a real good chance that one thing will lead to another then you'll really have problems.

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I understand and appreciate the truth you speak. Is there any way you can move this to the divorce and separation threads.. At this point my dilemma is not infidelity but the fact that my wife wants to end the marriage and I don't. And the fact that I don't want to to leave the home and my child... Thanks again and appreciate everyone's honest evaluation.

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IfWishesWereHorses

Before you leave your home, even for a few weeks, get a consultation with a lawyer. In some states regardless of what's been decided on between you two, that is considered abandonment. An attorney can advise you of your rights. Do not leave, lawyer up. If she wants to leave that's completely up to her. Keep a close tab on your finances as well. Don't be stupid. 180 only has a chance if you're doing it for yourself.

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I understand and appreciate the truth you speak. Is there any way you can move this to the divorce and separation threads.. At this point my dilemma is not infidelity but the fact that my wife wants to end the marriage and I don't. And the fact that I don't want to to leave the home and my child... Thanks again and appreciate everyone's honest evaluation.

 

I'm sorry for your situation. I'm in much the same boat. Same length of marriage, except I have three kids. W has checked out and doesn't want to work on the marriage. My situation is probably worse than yours, you seem like you might have a chance yet.

 

Stay in the home, that is important.

 

As far as outside communication of any time, I'm a little more wary of that then I used to be. Excessive outside communication, even with members of the same sex, can cause some problems. Especially if communication is not going on inside the home. My W needs "banter" and since I'm an introvert I can't provide her that, and she wants out.

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Wow Striver. I feel your pain. My W is always on her phone texting and FB, and girls nights out. She's on a trip now this weekend with a girlfriend.

 

I stay home, tend to my daughter, come home every day, cook, clean, fix stuff around the house etc.. But after 12 years (8 married) I learn that's not what she wanted. She wanted affection and conversation and attention and says she wanted to feel like I loved her more than anything in the world. Of course I love her more than anything in the world. I didn't think once we got married I'd never have to prove that but I was wrong.

 

I tried the best I could. Did not go out, loyal, not abusive.. I wish I could have known everything I know now. When the one you love tells you it's too late it's hard to remain calm and have faith.

 

I just relapsed and went online to view her text records and she's still texting this other guy from out of state. She called him too. I can't help but get irate. I know I can't bring it up to her because she'll get mad. I thought she told him she wasn't going to text him anymore since it upset me, but then again what does it matter if she's done with the marriage anyway. It's really taking a lot for me not to want to blow up but I just won't do it. I'm not going to give her the satisfaction. I don't even want to look at her right now. I don't know what to do anymore.

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Have a look at the website "womensinfidelity" dot com. Read what she says about the 4 stages of Limbo. Your wife is in stage 3.9

 

If you are convinced about that from reading those descriptions, you might want to read her volume 1 which is a dialogue between Langley about how this happens to women, why, and details of what will wake her up if it isnt too late.

 

Good luck. I think, like you that the truth of these contacts means less than her obvious desire to check out, but keep in mind that the lying is also a strong indicator that she is in limbo. Were she NOT in limbo, she would be able to just tell you, her lies means she doesnt want to give up on you (or perhaps only the marriage which is not the same thing) at least not at this time, and is your one ray of light that she hasnt decided either to stay or leave. But she clearly wont give up her Emotional security blankets either. Call them EA if you like, but you,dont seem to have strong enough texts to warrant that

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Thank you for the advice fellini, I am checking into ordering that book. I would probably agree, stage 3. I believe she doesn't want to cheat on her husband but she knows she desires to find someone else to give her that feeling. So she would rather end the marriage and not have to be held back anymore. She told me "a cheater is not who she is", which to me means "we must end the marriage so she won't feel the guilt of WANTING to be free and talk to others" .

 

I agree with what you say, I was going to nuance my post by saying that it seems she doesn't want to cheat, but is close enough to it because she wants to experience those feelings for real in a new relationship. As long as she has it in her head that those feelings from any of those people are better than what you have to offer, she will continue to think as if she were in 2 relationships.

 

You assessment in the end is dead on. My WS was not able to do that, and chose the conventional route, a full blown affair. But she did not have the complaints about our marriage that your wife had, and was thus not really ready to move on. Yours seems to know its the only way to move forward with her new found feelings.

 

You shouldnt have to order that book. Use google and you will find PDF versions out there. Best of luck to you.

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Geddy,

 

Very sorry for what you are going through....

 

All I can add is that when i read what you wrote, you state "she denies it" or "why would she not tell me?"

 

I can't tell you the countless, countless examples here on LS where denial is the mantra until proven guilty and even it that, your proof better the best and so overwhelming that there is no argument.

 

Fellini suggested a good source, but usually... usually.. there is already some one else as she is ready to leave you. It is rare when someone leaves a marriage voluntarily when there is no extreme reason such as abuse and go back to being single.

 

I would also not pander to her... again here on LS, so many times i have read in situations where the BS panders and panders and lives in denial that they lose the fight and make it impossible to R. Then there are those even on the wayward spouse threads where they have very tough betrayed spouses and in those cases the wayward wants to reconcile... just an observation of trends you could say.

 

It also seems to me that she is re-writing your marriage history or exaggerating faults to justify her actions.

 

Girls night out and weekend with a girlfriend... i hope i wont read a post later on where it all went south and those nights and weekends prove to be less innocent than they appear.

 

best of luck

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I just finished reading Women's Infidelity I & II, as well as the Male Stages of Limbo. Very interesting.

 

Wow. So now I have a better understanding on why women want out. Why they lie about it. Why they don't want to lose their image. Almost makes me feel pain for her, in that she could possibly have so many feelings I had no idea about. Why didn't we each just reach out and make it better instead of letting it get to this point. Apparently this happens every day to so many people.

 

From what I understand, enabling this behavior - her wanting to talk to others, (at minimum extreme texting and a few phone calls to OM's), telling me she wants me to go, but not sure if she's ready to divorce, etc - does no one any favors. So I know she'll have to be honest with me if we're to move forward and not remain in Limbo. I'll have to let it go. No pandering. Tell her I'm not allowing the shenanigans.. So then we would likely make the decision.

 

I feel as if I'm doing well with the 180. But I'm feeling if I should confront her (again) and pressure her and make her choose and tell her "now I really do understand what's wrong if only I had known this all along.." then that will be against the rules of the 180. I'm just supposed to move on, at least emotionally, and leave her be and not push the issue (#19) and let her see I am passed it.

 

I've managed to make it through today, no crying, pleading, no being weak , just very brief interactions with each other, although we did eat dinner and watch a TV show.. So I guess this can be survivable one way or another.

 

I tell you all, if I didn't have a child this would not have gotten this far in this thread. It hurts to hear the truth for sure.

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I just finished reading Women's Infidelity I & II, as well as the Male Stages of Limbo. Very interesting.

 

Wow. So now I have a better understanding on why women want out. Why they lie about it. Why they don't want to lose their image. Almost makes me feel pain for her, in that she could possibly have so many feelings I had no idea about. Why didn't we each just reach out and make it better instead of letting it get to this point. Apparently this happens every day to so many people.

 

From what I understand, enabling this behavior - her wanting to talk to others, (at minimum extreme texting and a few phone calls to OM's), telling me she wants me to go, but not sure if she's ready to divorce, etc - does no one any favors. So I know she'll have to be honest with me if we're to move forward and not remain in Limbo. I'll have to let it go. No pandering. Tell her I'm not allowing the shenanigans.. So then we would likely make the decision.

 

I feel as if I'm doing well with the 180. But I'm feeling if I should confront her (again) and pressure her and make her choose and tell her "now I really do understand what's wrong if only I had known this all along.." then that will be against the rules of the 180. I'm just supposed to move on, at least emotionally, and leave her be and not push the issue (#19) and let her see I am passed it.

 

I've managed to make it through today, no crying, pleading, no being weak , just very brief interactions with each other, although we did eat dinner and watch a TV show.. So I guess this can be survivable one way or another.

 

I tell you all, if I didn't have a child this would not have gotten this far in this thread. It hurts to hear the truth for sure.

 

You are definitely in a bind. Langley doesn't address much what men should do to break their wives from Limbo. They kind of have to do that for themselves. But I think she is right that if a woman is in limbo, especially somewhere in stage 3, then her H probably is too. So breaking yourself out of limbo is about all you can do. That and hand her copies of both volumes but ask her if she is going to read something, read volume II. Langley's stuff on deciding to NOT DECIDE by thinking one is "confused" is probably the best material written on why people enter into and stay in 2 relationships. Why they don't do the right thing, but believe themselves when they say an option is to cheat.

 

Im not sure it's your job to explain to your wife what she needs to know. This is what some call the saviour complex of narcissists. People who can cure narcissistic behaviours by changing them. Whether she is or is not a full fledged narcissist is unimportant. Her attitude about herself, her lack of empathy for you, the child, the marriage, working it out, the complete absorption with herself and her entitlements, are ego-centric to say the least. They are the opposite of why people marry another person.

 

Like you, I had, during initial DDAY (my WS did have an EA/PA and actually fell "in love" with and accomplished that her single AP fall in love with her) issues about our daughter. It took me about 8 months to get to two important points.

 

  • Not being afraid to leave the marriage. Not being afraid is not the same as wanting to leave.
  • Recognising that it is important not to stay in a marriage for a child's sake

 

One of the strategies for getting there was a "structured separation" and perhaps you might look at that for yourselves. People in LS will tell you that will just enable her to go outside. But you basically believe that is what she wants anyhow. The real question is do you have to divorce her so that she feels she has the space to do that? Maybe your absence, a drawn up and agreed upon "structured separation" (not anything like a separation, check it out) will be what she needs to get out of limbo.

 

From the sounds of it, if she truly is more than less in Langley's idea of limbo, there has to be no question that she does not see you as her immediate risk. You have been hanging in there and waiting her out. As long as you do that, she will continue to risk other contacts (if they are truely about EA's) because those are requiring more attention and work to keep them alive than you.

 

If you read Langley well you will know that as soon as she gets the feeling that you are going out the door, she will swing back. But that is only the beginning of getting out of limbo. It's all there.

 

Of course there is still the option that she knows what she wants, that she wants out of her "current life", and that she is getting solace from those who are feeding what she thinks is on the other side of the street. Passion, emotion, freedom, exploration, discovery... We really do not know enough about your situation, the real details, to say.

 

If anyone tells you that texting or talking or writing people about one's emotional life is a sure sign that they are in an EA, then you have to ask yourself one question:

 

Is everyone in LS in an EA? Because that is precisely what is going on in here. Writing and sharing emotional issues in our lives.

 

Maybe reaching out to strangers/acquaintances is just a new form of therapy. Try to have real evidence of infidelity - even if it's an EA - before acting on your marriage using infidelity recovery techniques. Maybe the problem is elsewhere. Maybe it's all in her head.

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Why is everyone's first concern about whether or not she's emotionally cheating? She straight up, honestly told OP multiple times that she's done emotionally. In the OP he stated that she tried to reach out to him many times, told him that she just wanted someone to talk to. That is a such a sad thing to say to your husband then have absolutely nothing change. It indicates to me that she was feeling very lonely. Why else would you say "I just want someone to talk to"?

 

Of course she wants to feel loved. Who doesn't?

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Why is everyone's first concern about whether or not she's emotionally cheating? She straight up, honestly told OP multiple times that she's done emotionally. In the OP he stated that she tried to reach out to him many times, told him that she just wanted someone to talk to. That is a such a sad thing to say to your husband then have absolutely nothing change. It indicates to me that she was feeling very lonely. Why else would you say "I just want someone to talk to"?

 

Of course she wants to feel loved. Who doesn't?

 

Because 9 times out of 10 they are, either the "grass is greener" or "from vine to vine" mentality. I wont say you wrong though, it is totally possible but in my opinion rare because it takes two and so many times in hindsight the WS re-writes marital history and omit their inaction's as well.

 

Again while you have a point, i have seen too many times where "i was lonely" and could tell you the couples.... my friends to frank, were great together and connected. The little things like at my house parties where they would kiss or hold each other at different times but she cheated and re-wrote what we witnessed and would deny things we flat out saw... just to justify her new addiction.

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OP, I'm curious. Does the rest of the world...her family specifically...know about her interactions with OM, and approve of her trying to get you to leave so that she can explore those options?

 

She will deny it because she doesn't want the truth known.

 

Personally, I'd recommend snooping, getting that 'proof', and then deciding what you want to do from there.

 

You need to stop letting her treat you like a doormat.

 

A woman cannot respect a man she can treat like trash. And she cannot love a man she can't respect.

 

Don't move out. Consult an attorney on how seperation and divorce work in your state, and get his advice, even if you don't intend to divorce. You may have no choice, and your best bet is to have an attorney so that you can take the right measures to protect yourself and your child.

 

The 180 is a good plan. It makes sense in your situation I think. Make sure she knows...if she wants to live a life without you...that means that you're no longer her friend, her backup plan, her safety net...that means she loses you from her life in any fashion or form.

 

She's probably not willing to accept that yet.

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