HopelessandDumb Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 So almost 2 years ago me and my boyfriend split up for a couple weeks he went to Vegas and I stayed home and we broke up I was saddened by that and unfortunately I got drunk and hooked up with a old friend . . .it was a one time thing I have never done anything like that since I can't begin to explain how terrible I feel and how much regret I have I completely hate my self for what I've done to our relationship from one stupid mistake I can't bare to think about I try not to but its hard not to . now we have a 1 year old daughter together and I'm committed as ever I know my boyfriend is the one I want forever I want to grow old with him and our daughter . since the mistake I made our flame wnt out we still have sex a lot but there is no emotion anymore and I miss what we had the cuddling the kisses the romance the overall passion. He says he isn't romantic anymore because of what I did and I'm being patient a d I'm so grateful he even took me back after what I did but I really want the old us back I've changed I'm a devoted mother and wife I want to show him I'm sorry and my regret he tells me I never did anything to make him feel better and he says I don't regret it and that kills me deeply I do have remorse I do hate myself I am disgusted with this mistake I try to kiss him and say I'm sorry but he says he wants me to do something else to show him this but I'm stuck I don't know what he wants and what I can show him or do please help me I need advise quick I want my relationship back and I want my daughter to grow in a happy home with her mom and dad together Im praying for help Link to post Share on other sites
Trep Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 It's not cheating if you two weren't together when it happened. If you were separated you had every right to hook up with a thousand guys if you wanted to. It's none of your H's business. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 I agree. If this encounter happened while you were broken up from your BF it wasn't cheating. You have to get that scenario out of your head & forgive yourself. You have a child to worry about. Focus on the child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Look, if your two had broke up then the relationship was over so there was nothing for you to feel guilty about. Me thinks that he's using this to have leverage on you and your letting him. Time for you to have a real serious sit down with him and put it all on the table and clear the air once and for all and if he can't understand that once you were no longer a couple, he has no reason to grind his heel on you and you don't have to take it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 You didn't cheat, but obviously it still bothers him. The "old thing" can never be restored. It'll be like this for as long as you two are together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessandDumb Posted July 27, 2014 Author Share Posted July 27, 2014 Thank you all for replies Yes we were broken up at the time but he still thinks of it as cheating cause we got together 2 weeks after . it still bothers him and he says its the reason hes changed as far as romance affection etc. But even the circumstances were different I still wanna somehow show him it will be er happen again and I that I truly do feel like **** for doing that . I just want my passionate love back especially for our daughter :/ Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 I try to kiss him and say I'm sorry but he says he wants me to do something else to show him this but I'm stuck I don't know what he wants and what I can show him or do please help me I need advise quick I want my relationship back and I want my daughter to grow in a happy home with her mom and dad together Im praying for help I am so sorry for this. Of course this was not cheating since you broke up. It is also completely common and understandable you chose another old love to console you. Happens very frequently. Now this sentence above needs exploration. You have had his child, you are remorseful, you are sexual and affectionate, and a good wife and mom. I would repeat this to him and ask him "what more?" ...don't play the guessing game or ask us. If he says "I don't know" then its time for counseling for you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingDead Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 My trickle truth radar is going off like an alarm clock. Were you split up with the understanding that you wouldn't see anyone else for a while? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 27, 2014 Share Posted July 27, 2014 My trickle truth radar is going off like an alarm clock. Were you split up with the understanding that you wouldn't see anyone else for a while? I believe if a couple goes on a break with the intention of getting back, that happens mutually. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I believe if a couple goes on a break with the intention of getting back, that happens mutually. Yeah, but she used the words "broke up". There was no hint in her writing that it was only a cooling off period. Link to post Share on other sites
sidney2718 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 So almost 2 years ago me and my boyfriend split up for a couple weeks he went to Vegas and I stayed home and we broke up I was saddened by that and unfortunately I got drunk and hooked up with a old friend . ( If you really broke up and HE went to VEGAS, then you've got this all backwards. You were quite within your rights to do what you pleased. You can't "break up" with someone and still have them control you. I gather that after that breakup you got together again and you told him about your adventure. Did he tell you what he did in Vegas, or did what happened in Vegas stay in Vegas. Taking what you wrote as correct, then I am afraid that you are in an abusive relationship in which he will NEVER let you forget about your hook up. If you want to live like this, that's your choice, but I think it not at all good for you. I think you need to think carefully about your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Jonah Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 As the above posters proclaim, you were certainly within your rights to go have fun just as any other SO is broke up or whatever. Just as I was within my rights to go party and leave what could have been a good gal for me at game, I chose to go have fun, and for some odd reason there came a day when she didn't fancy me anymore. how long should I go kicking myself in the ass? Ok a bit smarter now, now a well trained domesticated.... I haven't had a bee in years. I sufferer you would miss nothing if you left praying behind too. it would not have happened if not for that first drink. Don't hate yourself. Just shun alcohol. You bf is seeking drama. He will hate himself for that one day. give him space to feel your absence, that is your only recourse. he needs to grow up, of you want him you may have to give it a year and try again then. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Oh honey you didn't cheat. If it was a clear breakup then his argument has too many holes in it to count. At the time you had no idea the breakup would only be two weeks. You need to stand up for yourself and stop letting him use you and control you. One could argue a hookup isn't healthy but no one can say you cheated. That is like saying any and all relationships before you went out the first time are cheating Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 If you regret sleeping with that guy that's one thing but you didn't cheat. He just doesn't like the fact you slept with some other guy while you two were broken up. There's a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessandDumb Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Well he says when he was in Vegas he didn't do anything with any girls so after he four d out what I did it went downhill from there. I had no idea we were gonna get back together because it ended with anger and hateful things. I do regret what I did and I understand he's mad that I did that but idk what to show him like I e been faithful ever since its happened I'm now a good house wife and mother and don't even look at guys anymore I'm truly commuted and remorseful but he doest think I am I'm so stuck and I wanna work it out for my daughter I just miss the affection and now he's kinda distant :/ I know what I did was wrong and ****ty but I'm determined to show him that and that I wanna get this behind us Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 How exactly was what you did so horrible? Take a second, turn off your self hatred and think. Read your story but instead of it being your story read it as your daughter's story when she is an adult. What would you tell her? Sometimes we are fierce in protecting our children from the jerks of the world. Take that indignation and realize you don't have to take this crap. You deserve better and so does your daughter. Teach your daughter to be strong and stand up for yourself. Not to be needy and emotionaly whipped. A single mom who is strong is far better than a verbally and emotionaly abused wife. You did not cheat. Don't accept that you did. Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I don't think whether it is technically cheating or not that matter. The real issue is that most people are not able to sleep with someone else that close to a break-up. We all deal with things in different ways, but I couldn't even think about another person within weeks of calling off a serious relationship. As a guy, there is absolutely nothing worse than thinking about someone being with your girl. The image just plays over and over in your head until it makes you sick. So while you may not have technically cheated, I can see why this would be a hurtful action for your husband. It doesn't mean you were malicious or intentionally set out to hurt him, but it does mean it's going to take some years to process and finally put out of his mind. Really, I doubt it will ever completely go away, but he'll think about it less and find ways to cope. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I have to agree with HereNorThere. I think his biggest problem is how soon she was able to sleep with someone so soon after the break up. That she was able to bed someone else within a mere 14 days. Therefore, it leaves him wondering if he really meant anything to her if she was able to screw someone so soon without mourning the loss of him or what they had. He might be thinking "Here I was, absolutely devastated while she was fine and in bed with someone else!" So, did you cheat? No. But, the trust he has on your feelings have been breached. That's why he feels a kiss isn't enough. He doesn't believe that you loved him as much as he loved you. And you're having a hard time trying to convince him otherwise. My advice, get to counseling. You two need to talk this through. Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Please OP don't listen to the misognists who defend emotional abuse and poor behaviour. How long after you got back together did it take for him to find out? It had been two years and he is still holding this over your head. You have grovelled this long and he is now the one in the wrong but you are allowing it. Being male or female has nothing to do with it. If he can't handle the fact you mafe what you considet a mistake and something you so obviously regret that is on him. His loss that he is destroying his family over something that happened while you were broke up and hurting. He needs to crap or get off the pot. Stop apologizing. You have done that enough. And the only thing I agree with the above two posters about is you guys need counselling. Both marriage and individual. You to find out why you think it is okay to be controlled like this and him to find out why he thinks it is you like a free babysitter and hooker. Btw way, who broke up with who? That and how long it took you to tell him about the ONS is vital in understanding the whole situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I'd strongly suggest that you tell him point blank that either the two of you attend marriage counseling as mentioned above, and he makes an honest effort to help figure out what can be done to save your relationship...or you end it and move on. You can't MAKE him 'get over it'...especially if he refuses to help figure out what it'll take for it to make it happen. Sometimes you can't fix broken things. Tell him what you need here...if he refuses, then you know it's broken past fixing. If he agrees...then insist that you both attend MC and he put forth a real effort to help sort through reconciling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) Please OP don't listen to the misognists who defend emotional abuse and poor behaviour. And don't listen to Misandrists either. They feel that just because men have an emotional problem, we automatically hate women. They hate men because if the sky is blue, it must be because I have a penis how dare I have a penis, because now, apparently, I rule the sky! Edited July 28, 2014 by Chi townD Link to post Share on other sites
ForeverTainted Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 And don't listen to Misandrists either. They feel that just because men have an emotional problem, we automatically hate women. They hate men because if the sky is blue, it must be because I have a penis how dare I have a penis, because now, apparently, I rule the sky! I'm not a misandrist. You guys made this a gender issue and defended inexcusable emotional abuse. My husband and many guys are great. If it was a guy with this problem I would say the exact same thing. Drop that controlling woman and move on with your life. Nothing about this situation should have anything to do with gender. It is one person abusing another and the victim learning to stand up for themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 I'm not a misandrist. You guys made this a gender issue and defended inexcusable emotional abuse. My husband and many guys are great. If it was a guy with this problem I would say the exact same thing. Drop that controlling woman and move on with your life. Nothing about this situation should have anything to do with gender. It is one person abusing another and the victim learning to stand up for themselves. And yet you have no problem calling me a misognists when I simply stated what emotional frame of mind her new husband could possibly be in to have him act this way. At no point did I agree with his behavior and at no point did I agree that she deserves the treatment that she is receiving. I did agree that she didn't cheat and also suggested that they go to counseling to work out these issues that HE is having. I just gave her examples of what could possibly be making him act this way. I never said it was right. But, you turn around and labeled me such an ugly and discriminatory title so brazenly and flippantly, it only lead me to believe that you must be misandrist considering that you don't even know me personally to label me such a hateful thing without even getting to know me or ask for clarification of my post. I'm...just...labeled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HopelessandDumb Posted July 29, 2014 Author Share Posted July 29, 2014 Okay I don't want no arguments I only posted this for help without drama or cruelty. And to answer your question he broke up with me at the time while he was on his way to leave to Vegas. I'm not asking for people to say why I did it or how he might be mean at times I'm simply asking any gestures or things to do to help recindle the fire we had I don't wanna argue with him about it anymore and I don't want it brought up every time I say something about a co worker who hits on him I just want him to heal and believe me when. I say I'm commuted now and am remorseful when I bring up counseling he says I need it not him so Idk if that's a option :/ my daughter is number one and we need to be more affectionate so she sees love between. Her parents :/ and I just wanna feel better . Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 29, 2014 Share Posted July 29, 2014 Then you go if he doesn't want to go. Funny thing is, when you start to go to counseling, he may end up going to a session or two. It happens. But, a good starting point would be to see that YOU are the one that is active on wanting to fix things and maybe he'll realize that he not doing anything to help the situation and may start to become more active. or Tell him that you really want him to go with you. That if he has no desire to fix the marriage, then that shows you that he really doesn't have a desire for being married; therefore, why are the two of you wasting your time? Maybe he'll wake up to that logic. Link to post Share on other sites
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