lynn13 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Just over a year ago I found out my husband had been having basically an alternate sex life online. When it came down to it I found him on over 8 different sex hook up websites, watchin live web cam sex shows, looking up local escorts on backpages and craigslist, having phone sex, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some other stuff. I'm not a stupid person but I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. My husband was always a sensitive, loving person and I had 100% trust in him...which is why I never looked at our computer history, his phone, nothing. I was in absolute shock. After looking through his past credit card statements I found out this had been going on almost 4 years! It started 4 months after we got married. When I confronted him with what I found he was remorseful, ashamed, and said he was willing to do whatever it took to fix it. I want my marriage to work, we have 2 children and I love him very much but still a year later I don't trust him truly. After I confronted him he really tried to downplay what he did and that bothers me, because I don't feel like he's ever truly been honest about it all. When I had asked him if he'd done anything over the phone he said NO...I later found phone sex charges on his CC. When I asked him how long it had been going on he said less than 2 years, lie again. I found several of the messages he sent and received and they were horrifying for a wife to read. He swears he never physically cheated on me. I don't know if I can believe that or not, I want to. I found a lot of disturbing things on his credit card but I didn't find a bunch of unexplained hotel stays etc. But I did find one...and that's enough to drive me nuts, and his explanation for that hotel stay does not add up. I keep telling myself to move past this and work harder for the "new start" we agreed that we wanted. But I can't heal, I still look at the messages he sent to other women sometimes....its like I torture myself with it and I don't know why. I keep thinking I'm going to find something I missed that will confirm that he physically cheated on me. It would be great to hear from other people who have been through similar. Link to post Share on other sites
thekid36 Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Just over a year ago I found out my husband had been having basically an alternate sex life online. When it came down to it I found him on over 8 different sex hook up websites, watchin live web cam sex shows, looking up local escorts on backpages and craigslist, having phone sex, and I'm sure I'm forgetting some other stuff. I'm not a stupid person but I had absolutely no clue whatsoever. My husband was always a sensitive, loving person and I had 100% trust in him...which is why I never looked at our computer history, his phone, nothing. I was in absolute shock. After looking through his past credit card statements I found out this had been going on almost 4 years! It started 4 months after we got married. When I confronted him with what I found he was remorseful, ashamed, and said he was willing to do whatever it took to fix it. I want my marriage to work, we have 2 children and I love him very much but still a year later I don't trust him truly. After I confronted him he really tried to downplay what he did and that bothers me, because I don't feel like he's ever truly been honest about it all. When I had asked him if he'd done anything over the phone he said NO...I later found phone sex charges on his CC. When I asked him how long it had been going on he said less than 2 years, lie again. I found several of the messages he sent and received and they were horrifying for a wife to read. He swears he never physically cheated on me. I don't know if I can believe that or not, I want to. I found a lot of disturbing things on his credit card but I didn't find a bunch of unexplained hotel stays etc. But I did find one...and that's enough to drive me nuts, and his explanation for that hotel stay does not add up. I keep telling myself to move past this and work harder for the "new start" we agreed that we wanted. But I can't heal, I still look at the messages he sent to other women sometimes....its like I torture myself with it and I don't know why. I keep thinking I'm going to find something I missed that will confirm that he physically cheated on me. It would be great to hear from other people who have been through similar. Men definitely have the tendency to watch porn. Yet, the issue here is that he did all of this behind your back and in secrecy. Compounded by the fact that he was not truthful when finally confronted. It is almost like some sort of addiction. However, no matter what his intent was, what is more important is how you interpret it on your end. This is cheating because you felt that it was. It does not matter whether it was in person or not. It does not matter whether he felt it was. There are consequences to all of our actions and he needs to realize this going forward. You have been hurt by this and feel betrayed. He says he wants to move forward and seems to be sort of open to doing so. It has to come from you as far as where to go with all of this now. You are the one who has been hurt here. Finally, you have it all out in the open and you need to decide what is best on your end. This may involve weighing the pros and cons of staying with this man. You have the right to be selfish in this specific situation. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingDead Posted July 25, 2014 Share Posted July 25, 2014 Wish I had better news for you, but my FWS had a much more minor "online life" than that (though it was focused on one AP), and I'm still in a living Hell 18 months later with no end in sight. I trust my FWS now, but the pain is just about as bad as it was on Dday, and the triggering is worse. It's going to be a long, long life living like this... :'-( Link to post Share on other sites
WestLAguy Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Ummm... I don't think your husband has actually cheated on you Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Porn is one thing, escorts or another. For starters, you can't get herpes from porn. Look, you have 100% proof that he is a hypersexual liar, so you can't really believe anything he says. You already know he's pretty messed up, now you have to decide if you want to stay with him. I'm sorry you have such a hard road ahead of you. At the very least, I'd demand and std test and condom usage until he completes intensive sex therapy and maybe even a polygraph. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Have you and your H had any MC? You sometimes need help and you can't thru this on your own. It does sound like he not telling the total truth about everything, and may be embarrassed by his actions. You do need to find a counselor that works well with both of you. There are several books that could be helpful. His needs, her needs, and some postings about his actions to let him see how you feel. I do hope you will try to get some help, because the feelings are so consuming that you can't fully focus on everyday living. You do have children so that is important to try to for their sake. Good luck, but he does need to be transparent with you. Link to post Share on other sites
thekid36 Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 Ummm... I don't think your husband has actually cheated on you Cheating basically can mean showing any sort of interest in anyone or anything outside of your partner. The interest he specifically had was more than excessive. It also is heavily influenced by what the other person actually considers as cheating. She feels that him showing interest outside of their relationship was cheating. Therefore, this man cheated. Not to mention that he was not even honest about it all. Not really the signs of a sensational soul. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 It will be like this for the rest of your marriage. Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingDead Posted July 26, 2014 Share Posted July 26, 2014 It will be like this for the rest of your marriage. Have fun. The Kid, I don't mean to hijack the OP's post, but given that my situation is similar, I'm curious what makes you say that. So far, 18 months from Dday and YEARS since the A, I have no reason to doubt you...the pain is still pretty bad and the triggers seem to be multiplying. But, just wondering if you are speaking from experience or not....for selfish reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lynn13 Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 We talked about MC, but both decided against it, maybe that could be a next step. We would have to drive over 45 minutes away for the counseling and with 2 little ones and not a lot of options for anyone to take them, this would be hard. But if it saved our marriage It would be worth it of course. I've had a lot of time on my own the past few days to think. After I found out what he was doing I made a decision to give him a second chance and try to make it work. I think its time I actually try to give him that second chance. I'm holding so much anger and hurt that it is hard to not want to punish him. He's been trying and I need to get my head in a space that I can really try too and stop living in the past. He's not given me a reason not to trust him since this all happened. I've made a choice to try my hardest, with the realization though that I don't do 3rd chances. I'm still working on trusting him and I have to start giving him the chance to show me I can trust again. I also made a decision that I will start speaking my mind and to be completely honest myself. When he does or says something that upsets me I tend to keep it in and then sulk because I don't want to fight anymore. Keeping this in just builds the resentment even more and that's when I start reliving the past again. I think by getting everything out in the open will help open up the communication again and if it starts a fight....so be it. Not communicating and not showing love and appreciation is a big contributor to what got us in this situation in the first place. I take responsibility for that too...however I absolutely don't think that makes what he did acceptable in anyway. To the poster who said its not cheating....oh it is!! He betrayed my trust in the worst way. Sometimes I think if he would have had a 1 night stand it would have been easier to deal with than this. The amount of time he was doing this, the secrets and lies, reading what he said to other women...its torture. He said he didn't think of it as cheating at the time. It was just a fantasy world, basically the fantasy that he was or could cheat on me as well as the ego boost he was looking for and wasn't getting from me. I hope I can move forward. I'm going to give it my all I've decided. And if there is a breach of trust again, I will leave and at least I can say I tried. Link to post Share on other sites
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