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emotional affair close to wedding date


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Hi,

 

I have no one to turn to. I'm not really close enough with family members to tell them of my situation and I live very far from my closest friends. And I don't want to bother them with my problem since I have the anonymity of the internet, for now.

 

Here's what happened: I have been with my fiance for 8 years. We've had some really good times but there were also a lot of rough times with heated arguments and sometimes even name calling. Two years ago she moved to a new city for a good job. I've been continuing with school, living with her most of the time, but I recently had to go back to the city where my university is for four months. We seen each other 2 times for a week at a time in that four months.

 

Since I got back to the city where she works, she and I have been having trouble in our relationship. We haven't been having heated fights. We've both matured a lot in recent years. But we have been openly talking about calling off the wedding. We both have been questioning whether we are happy in this. She's been planning a wedding for a year but she's expressed her reservations about it. I have reservations as well. But she says it's too late to call it off.

 

Here's the punch line: Today I went to sign into skype and her account was open and I noticed right away that she wrote "hi munchkin!" to some guy from her work. There was no other conversation. I confronted her that I had knowledge about something, I didn't tell her the source or what I knew. She called me crazy and paranoid. After about an hour of my silence she cracked and confessed. She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month. She told me she confides in him about our relationship. I obviously can't prove my other suspicions, and at this point I don't care. I feel betrayed as it is.

 

It's now weeks from the wedding date. After she confessed she said that there's no way she's calling off the wedding. I will have to do it myself. I will have to call off a wedding that she's been planning for a year, just weeks before the date. From the reservations we were both having in the past month or so, to her newly discovered emotional affair, I can't marry this woman. If I call it off I will be branded the a**hole. I don't think people will believe me and I don't want to even tell people why I'm ending it.

 

I look forward to hearing your advice. :confused:

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purplesorrow

Please please please do not get married if you are so unsure! Do you think your relationship will improve because you get married? Whatever behavior is going on now will only escalate. So what if some doesn't like it if you cancel. This is your life. If this is how it is in the beginning honeymoon phase, you will probably end up divorced. Please do what is best for you.

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Calling off the wedding -- or at least postponing it -- is still cheaper then getting a divorce. Granted you won't get your deposits back but . . .

 

This wedding should have been delayed a while ago. It's a tough thing to do but it may be the right thing given what's at stake.

 

At this point at the very least I think you ought to call your parents at least & get some input from people who know you both.

 

Exactly what will happen to her munchkin when you do get married? Do you honestly think she'll suddenly stop going for drives & Skyping with him?

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Running Man
If I call it off I will be branded the a**hole. I don't think people will believe me and I don't want to even tell people why I'm ending it.

 

You will be branded a dumba$$ if you continue on and marry this women knowing what she has done. Whats more important your true happiness or a wedding event that both of you are afraid to cancel you want to save face. Dont worry about other people will think and do whats best for you. Your fiance is the one who has to answer for her dishonesty.

 

This happened for a reason and don't make a bad situation worse by marrying her now. I guarantee there is more then what she is telling and you'll regret staying with her down the road.

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Hi,

She's been planning a wedding for a year but she's expressed her reservations about it. I have reservations as well. But she says it's too late to call it off.

:

 

Whoooaaa. Have you lost your mind? You are both in a situation where you have reservations about the marriage. But are going to marry anyway because it's 'too late' to call it off? You can call it off on the day if you want to and should if you have any reservations. (see Rory McIlroy). Better that than marry and then divorce (which you will).

 

Do you really think your friends and family would want to go to your wedding knowing how unsure you are? I'd lock my son in a hotel with an armed guard first!

 

Even without your partner contacting a guy at work, you should have put the wedding on hold. The emotional affair should be ringing alarm bells for you now. She should NOT be getting emotionally involved with another man if she is getting married. Before her wedding the only person she should be thinking of is you. (She used a pet name for him for Gods sake!)

 

Cancel the wedding, tell her you are unhappy and you need more time to work things through as a couple. Or better still just end it. Some relationships just fizzle out. They don't all end in marriage even after 8 years.

 

An ex girlfriend of mine, broke up with me married someone else but was having an affair with the best man. Marriage lasted 6 weeks. Come to think of it I know of another girl who did the same.

 

A close friend of mine had serious reservations about his fiancée, but 'did the right thing' and married her. It lasted two years.

 

"We both have serious reservations, but we are getting married anyway, just because..." Arrgghhhhhh!!!

 

Sorry - Rant over.

Edited by jackslife
spelling mistake
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Consider yourself fortunate that you found out about this now instead of later on. She's showed you what kind of "love" you can expect to get from her while she's happily flirting (or more) with the other guy(s). Call off the wedding as quickly as you can. Life can be stressful at the best of times. You don't need this! Good luck to you.

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She's cheating on you before the wedding, guess what she'll be doing after the wedding? You will never be enough for her because she needs validation from other men. Why can she talk about your relationship with a co worker she has known a few months but not with you? Call off the wedding, loosing money now will be way less cost to you than paying for a messy divorce. How do you expect to keep her entertained for the rest of your life if she can't respect your boundaries before you even marry her?

 

You already know the right answer, you just need the courage to pull the trigger. You were doubting her for a reason, trust your gut.

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You need to get to know your girl's family a little better next time if you want to marry. The apple never falls far from the tree.

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  • Author

Thanks for all of your advice. It's all very helpful. The strange thing is that the whole time she's been going out with him, she has also been talking to me about the relationship. I'm very aware of the importance of letting her feel comfortable expressing her conflicting feelings to me.

 

I think it's possible to justify infidelity in an abusive, controlling relationship, but we don't have that. I'm not a "romantic" guy (I don't buy lots of gifts or make nice suppers) but I've always been there for her when she seemed to need it. I think the relationship got boring for her.

 

At the same time she seems devastated. She is realizing the gravity of the situation. Today she is very upset and realizes that I'm actually going to end it.

 

I know her family quite well. No alarm bells there. As far as I know, there's been no infidelity in her immediate family. Her sister and my brother are married with children (they just had a new baby earlier this week). They introduced us. This, of course, makes everything more complicated.

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I can't marry this woman.

I think you are smart to call off the wedding.

 

If I call it off I will be branded the a**hole.

Possibly by her immediate circle, but only immediately. In the long run, I believe others will brand you as insightful and intelligent by doing the right thing.

 

I don't want to even tell people why I'm ending it.

You don't owe anyone an explanation.

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Sorry if it seems like everyone was shouting at you on here (myself included).

 

You've said "she's been going out with him" now that is definitely an affair! Also, I don't want to pour salt on your wounds but after rereading your previous comments I'd be surprised if she hadn't had a physical affair as well.

 

I think you are doing the right thing, and get the feeling your are relieved now yourself, now you are going to end it and move on. It will be rough for a while but after that life will get better.

 

Good luck. It will all work out for the best.

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Two things 1) she doesn't want to marry you. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and call it off. 2) think back to when the fighting started, that is when her affair also started. And believe that there is much more to it then she is admitting. Prepare yourself for much worse.

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You ever notice that most cheaters blame the BS. The reason for that is because the BS there puts good consequences for there actions. I personally would never let her twist the marriage part and put it on me. Of course she wants you to feel guilty for stopping the marriage. Why shouldn't she have her cake and eat it too. Isn't that normal for cheaters? I would tell her the marriage was off the moment she cheated. That's on her not on you. If she tries to turn it around just walk away. The fact she is putting you in this horrible position clearly shows she has no respect for herself so you can bet she will never have respect for you as long as you allow her to play her game. Just walk away and take time out to see what you really want in life.

 

There are far better women out there and sure it sucks you wasted so much time but your not alone. I wasted ten years with my xW. The best day of my life was when I said enough is enough.

 

Clay

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The strange thing is that the whole time she's been going out with him, she has also been talking to me about the relationship.

 

She's discussing her relationship with you because she’s weighing her options. Does she want you or the OM?

 

The discussion with you is basically a job interview to see which applicant she wants to hire.

 

Getting married because it’s too embarrassing to call it off is ridiculous. How embarrassing will it be to tell everyone that you’re getting a divorce 6 months from now?

 

Two things 1) she doesn't want to marry you. She doesn't want to be the bad guy and call it off. 2) think back to when the fighting started, that is when her affair also started. And believe that there is much more to it then she is admitting. Prepare yourself for much worse.

 

Or the discussion might be to make you realize how bad your relationship is so that you will call it off.

Edited by Buckeye2
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bubbaganoosh

So let her call you an a** hole. It sure as hell beats being called a fool by everyone else because you didn't use enough common sense to see what was in front of you and went through with the marriage.

 

What she's doing is putting it your lap so she can come out of this damage free.

 

If it's me, I tell her that she's the one seeing another guy and she's the one for the mess and you won't take responsibility for her actions and be done with it.

 

No one is going to call you a fool or any other names, They will tell you that you did the smart thing.

 

This is on her and she's the one that has to answer for it and if anyone asks, tell them the truth. I promise you they will understand and have your back.

 

DO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

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No one is going to think you are an ****hole.......especially people who are already married. They would actually think you're smart. Trust me, among the people who you let know the wedding is off, will be those who will applaud your decision even if they don't know why. Marriage is a huge decision and will affect your life forever.

 

 

By the way, I would offer an explanation to her side of the family at least. They deserve to know since they've probably invested in the wedding emotionally if not financially.

 

 

Just FYI........I married someone 14 years ago who I was unsure of. Although, they haven't cheated as far as I know, I've still regretted it everyday since. Never marry someone you think you could live with......marry someone you can't live without.

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This is going nowhere. You should have heard alarm bells ringing loud and clear when the first suggestion of cancelling the wedding arose. That, there and then, should have been ample warning that all was not well.

You call it off, but you tell her that you will not be the fall-guy for this, and even though it's nobody else's business what happens, if people poke you hard enough in the chest with accusations as to why and how you could be so heartless, cruel or callous, then you will not lie for her. You will simply tell people that it was through joint misgivings and agreement, but also through her enjoying the constant company of some other guy she called 'Munchkins'.

This is not your fault. But 8 years is a long time to become complacent and get into a habit, or a rut. And I hate to tell you, but she sought attention - welcome attention - through the attention she was not getting from you. I know it's cliché, but women like romance, gestures, loving tokens of affection; flowers, little gifts. it's how we thrive, many of us. We like the little things that say "I may not always show it, but I love you, care for you and am happy you're in my life."

This kind of 'attention -

 

but I've always been there for her when she seemed to need it.

 

Can be supplied by a parent, sibling or the family dog.

Loving, intimate partners do it differently.

I'm not suggesting you are the guilty party here. But you mention she probably got bored. You have to ask yourself why. In all these situations there's always far more than meets the eye. 8 years don't just get ironed out on two pages of forum posts.

But yes. Cancel the wedding.

And both of you have some very serious thinking to do.

Go to Counselling. If nothing else it will un-muddy the waters and bring you to a level understanding.

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Run and do not look back.

 

She hid the affair.

 

Be so glad you are not married. Did she tell you she would stop all contact with her AP?

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I confronted her that I had knowledge about something, I didn't tell her the source or what I knew. She called me crazy and paranoid. After about an hour of my silence she cracked and confessed. She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month. She told me she confides in him about our relationship. I obviously can't prove my other suspicions, and at this point I don't care. I feel betrayed as it is.

 

Don’t fall into the trap that if was only an EA you are an @ss for calling it off.

 

It was probably a PA but you will never know for sure (even if you don’t get married she will never admit it because she doesn’t want her friends and family to think of her as a bad girl).

 

Use the fact that she lied. As she is swearing up and down that she never had sex with him say: “It really doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t. I can’t marry someone I can’t trust.”

 

I would tell everyone why you're calling it off. You can't trust her.

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We both have been questioning whether we are happy in this. She's been planning a wedding for a year but she's expressed her reservations about it.

Look at it this way - you'd be doing her a favor if you call off the wedding. She not only has her own reservations but they're substantial enough that she's allowed herself to be involved in (at least) an emotional affair with another man. Not sure how much more clearly she can express her actual feelings.

 

Socially, backing out weeks before a tough thing to do. So be man, step up and make the decision. You'll both be better off...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I confronted her that I had knowledge about something, I didn't tell her the source or what I knew. She called me crazy and paranoid. After about an hour of my silence she cracked and confessed. She's been "hanging out" with a guy from work, going to lunches, having coffee and going for drives, for the past month. She told me she confides in him about our relationship. I obviously can't prove my other suspicions, and at this point I don't care. I feel betrayed as it is.

 

Don’t fall into the trap that if was only an EA you are an @ss for calling it off.

 

It was probably a PA (where were they going on those drives) but you will never know for sure. Even if you don’t get married she will never admit a PA because she doesn’t want her friends and family to think of her as a bad girl.

 

Use the fact that she lied. As she is swearing up and down that she never had sex with him say: “It really doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t. I can’t marry someone I can’t trust.”

 

I would tell everyone why you're calling it off. She lied to your face about seeing another man. You can't trust her. EA or PA isn't the issue. You don't want to spend the rest of your life checking up on her.

Edited by Buckeye2
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Dude, I hate to say it. It was more than an Emotional Affair. They've been meeting up for "lunches" one on one and all they do is talk? Uh huh....right. If you believe that, then I have a bridge to sell you.

 

 

The one thing about cheaters, is that they will only admit to what you can prove. If the only thing you can prove is that they might have had inappropriate conversations, then that's all she'll admit to.

 

 

If a cheater confesses, then they tell you the bare minimum of what happen to make is seem not as bad as what truly happened.

 

 

Postpone the wedding. I would suggest that if she ever want to consider getting married to you, then she needs to do a polygraph to prove to you that it was ONLY an EA. Dollars to donuts, she won't want to do that. Then, you'll know. Hell, she'll go on the defensive and tell you that if you're calling off the wedding, then there's no reason for the two of you to be together and crap like that.

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It's NEVER too late to call off a wedding. For all I care you could say "NO" right in front of the priest and both families, but it's never too late.

 

Your fiancee is cheating on you, so at best you'll have an open marriage.

Run for your freakin' life.

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HereNorThere

OP, you know in your heart that you can't marry someone who would do this to you. Just the fact that she hid it from you is enough of a red flag to postpone the wedding.

 

There's more information out there to find. For starters, you may contact the OM and level with him. He could have some empathy for you and tell you the truth. You've uncovered this much information, keep digging.

 

Don't beat yourself because you didn't do this. Any couple that has been together for as you as you two is bound to have had some arguments here and there. That is a completely different issue than cheating. Just be honest with everyone and relax. :)

 

I'd rather everything think I'm an ******* than marry someone who admittedly also has another boyfriend. Seriously, who cares?

Edited by HereNorThere
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