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Length and details of the affair


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What are your opinions on whether there are worse affair scenarios than others. Let's start from the basis that any type of affair is wrong and damaging but do you think some cause more damage than others? Does the length of time, how many physical encounters, what type of physical encounters, location etc make one worse than another? Just curious about others views on this. Thanks

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Depending on your definition of "worse" but in my opinion (and situation) the affair of my WW was much worse because:

- It went on for an extended period of time

- It involved both a physical and emotional component

 

I think a one night stand affair or a pure physical one is hurtful, but probably has a better chance of being understood and repaired in a marriage.

 

Long physical/emotional affairs destroy the very foundation a marriage was built on. Hard to come back after that kind of destruction.

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What is your definition of long term? I never know when people say LTA how long they are referring to. Thanks

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I would say that it's really about the people involved: the strength and state of the marriage, personal histories, individual feelings about sex, etc.

 

I'll give a comparison, for reference:

My WW had an approx. 8-month long A with her OM. Numerous sexual encounters, some details of which I know about. Nights/weekends spent away at his apt. There was a definite emotional connection, per the conversations I read via text, email, etc. She wasn't optimistic about our future, but she also wasn't looking for an A. She was planning on just leaving before an old "friend" came along. So it became an Exit A. Long story short - I found out. We discussed separation. When push came to shove, we decided we wanted to work on our M. Now, we're in a very good place almost three years later. It's still a lot to process and get through, but things are good and moving forward.

 

About a year ago, my best friend calls me to tell me he's discovered his wife has been having an A. According to her, it was an EA. It only became as physical as making out a couple times, and most of the A occurred over after-work drinks and dinners, as they were connected professionally. I think he believes her. She still maintains that's as far as it went. No sex. No nights away. A few months after D-Day, she moved out and last time I checked, they're still in the process of D'ing.

 

Looking at the two scenarios, I'd say my WW's A was much deeper and went much further. I guess "worse" would be the word. So why am I still married, and happily at that, while he's getting a D? The list of reasons is long. But whether or not one is "worse" than the other is really relative, and possibly based on the effects it has on the individual and all parties involved.

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I don't believe in pain comparison. What my spouse did sucked. So did a lot of others. End of story.

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I totally understand. Pain is pain and all As hurt. I was just wondering how people view these situations and if they think some are worse than others.

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I totally understand. Pain is pain and all As hurt. I was just wondering how people view these situations and if they think some are worse than others.

My wife had a ONS with one guy followed by a 3 week live-in relationship with another guy. They both hurt equally as far as the act of infidelity itself, but I punish myself harder for reconciling because I accepted her back after the live-in thing. Either way I should have divorced her so maybe it doesn't matter.

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What is your definition of long term? I never know when people say LTA how long they are referring to. Thanks

 

Without thread jacking with my own gory details, the LTA was probably 9 months before D-Day.

 

I think most people who discover affairs that are 3-4 months or less wouldn't be LTA's (just based on my own feelings).

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I totally understand. Pain is pain and all As hurt. I was just wondering how people view these situations and if they think some are worse than others.

 

Totally understand that! :) it is a fair question. As things go? Details, length, gaslighting ? My sitch sucked, and was certainly more involved than someone dealing with an emotional affair only or a one night stand. But I decided long ago to go with what you said above- pain is pain and all affairs hurt, and the injured party gets to decide how much.

 

One of my closest friends found out she was betrayed last week. Her spouse was looking for women on Craigslist, and unfortunately, found success.

 

She called me to tell me and because she needs help. And she was trying to decide whose situation was worse. I told her it doesn't matter. She matters. How she feels right now is what matters. There's always somebody with a worse story out there. But in the end, it doesn't matter. You pick yourself up from your situation, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward.

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I think it would be harder to get over a longer, more emotionally intense affair. My H had a short one (2 months) and I think the primary emotion that he felt was guilt. He didn't have a lot of "affair fog" and I think that helped too. The pain is still really intense at times and I don't want to suggest that it has been easy to get over what happened. I still have these horrible feelings of inadequacy that we are trying to get through.

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burnside.rose

They were on and off for 2+plus years. They said “I love you”. I might have been able to get past a one night stand or even a couple months fling.

 

But this was a full blown 2 year relationship….

 

Yes the length & details matters.

 

If you asked me to trade her disgusting LTA with her having a one night stand. I would in a heartbeat. Would it still hurt? Yes. To me, would it hurt less? Yes. I understand some might not feel that way.

Edited by burnside.rose
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HereNorThere

There's definitely a difference between a drunken one night stand and having an intense affair with a friend or family member. Mistakes happen once, but long-term deception within your social circle is an indicator that them WS has serious mental health issues.

 

People do make impulsive one time mistakes, but long term deception for me is a deal-breaker.

 

If you had a friend who molested a child, went to rehabilitation, had not reoffended, expressed remorse, would you let them baby sit for you? A cheater isn't really much different to me. Once I know you are capable, I don't care how much rehabilitation you've had.

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compulsivedancer

I did something worse than typical. The A was fairly typical 6-month affair that began gradually and was fully sexual for the last two months. What makes it worse was that OM was H's best friend. It created a lot of additional fallout and was much much harder for H.

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Mistakes happen once, but long-term deception within your social circle is an indicator that them WS has serious mental health issues. .

 

Got to pull you up on this one. People who have affairs don't have some serious mental health issues. Having an affair in a close circle of friends is dumb, but doesn't make you mentally ill. Whilst a WS may use depression as an excuse it's generally not the case.

 

People have affairs for lots of reasons and A LOT of people do have affairs, but it's not because they are mentally ill.

 

A lot of people who have affairs, regret it and rebuild their marriages. A lot divorce, remarry and are 100% faithful. Whether a BS is prepared to forgive is their choice.

 

Comparing people who have affairs to paedophiles is inaccurate. There is no correlation.

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There are degrees of affair. At one end a one night stand, through having affairs at work, to brief flings, right up to having affairs that last for years and affairs with close relations of spouse.

 

It is an interesting and valid point that it all really comes down to the pain inflicted on the BS really.

 

Some BS never forgive a one night stand and end the marriage. Others forgive a LTA and rebuild. All personal choice I suppose.

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Personally I would have struggled with an affair that went on for many years. It would feel to me as if the marriage I shared with my H had become sidelined and less significant.

 

I would also have been very upset if they had made plans to leave their marriages and be together. I would always have questioned whether H would have been happier with OW than with me and if he had regrets.

 

There were enough things that upset me as it was though. They said they loved each other, I feel as if I was made to look a fool to people that knew me and were aware of some details of their relationship, I had talked and sympathised with her about her poor marriage and encourage her to leave her H (who was and is unpleasant). I even hugged her and offered her a bed for the night when she was trying to leave him ..ha! So I don';t know if the things that I think would have been 'worse' really would have been worse or whether I am just trying to reassure myself.

 

However things are good now. He has been one of the good guys ever since and I am trying to make a concerted effort not to dwell on that time.

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Without thread jacking with my own gory details, the LTA was probably 9 months before D-Day.

 

I think most people who discover affairs that are 3-4 months or less wouldn't be LTA's (just based on my own feelings).

 

Your not thread jacking:) I asked you and thanks for answering.

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I don't believe in pain comparison. What my spouse did sucked. So did a lot of others. End of story.

 

I agree with this. I had another BW here tell me after I had relayed my story that I was "lucky" my husband had only done what he did. This was a few years after the A and I was pretty well healed, by yeah, I felt like I was being told my pain shouldn't be that bad.

 

My H's affair might not have been "as bad" as some I read about here but the pain, for me, was just as intense.

 

In fact, my very first thread here showed my own naivete. I think I titled it, "which is worse, and EA or a PA." Sorry, I have no desire to go into my profile and look for it to link it. :sick:

 

In that thread know I was trying to rationalize away his choices and behavior and trying to tell myself that at least his A wasn't as bad as A, B, or C. (add your own variation).

 

It all hurts and it completely sucks. I no longer made comparisons after those first tumultous post-A months.

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The worst would be a marriage of 20 or 30 years where both parties are happy and planning to grow old together and enjoy the grandkids.

 

Then one finds out that there was a long term affair that ended over a decade ago. The WS has been faithful for the last decade.

 

The BS has to reevaluate their life. Looking at old family photos they have to wonder what was going on when they were taken.

 

Do you D or not?

Edited by Buckeye2
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The worst would be a marriage of 20 or 30 years where both parties are happy and planning to grow old together and enjoy the grandkids.

 

Then one finds out that there was a long term affair that ended over a decade ago. The WS has been faithful for the last decade.

 

The BS has to reevaluate their life. Looking at old family photos they have to wonder what was going on when they were taken.

 

Do you D or not?

 

This is a fascinating thought. The WS would definitely think they'd gotten away with it. May even have forgiven himself had counselling and moved on.

 

One also needs to bear in mind that we all change over time. The WS who had the affair, may and will be a completely different person to the one they were 30 years ago. More mature, less impulsive etc.

 

Is there a statute of limitations on an affair?

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I'm going through one right now. My fiance has been having an emotional affair with one of her coworkers. And our wedding is scheduled in 3 weeks. To me, this is just as bad as if she had a physical relationship with him because once the trust has been breached I think it's probably impossible to recover it.

 

Sorry I can't add anything more thoughtful at this time. My d-day was late last night and I'm exhausted.

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I'm going through one right now. My fiance has been having an emotional affair with one of her coworkers. And our wedding is scheduled in 3 weeks. To me, this is just as bad as if she had a physical relationship with him because once the trust has been breached I think it's probably impossible to recover it.

 

Sorry I can't add anything more thoughtful at this time. My d-day was late last night and I'm exhausted.

 

I'm not surprised you're exhausted. But as per the comments on your thread relating to that, it is better you know now, rather than 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years after the wedding.

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I think there are distinctions to be made, that affect the likelihood of wanting to or being able to reconcile.

 

A ONS could be a genuine moment of weakness in difficult circumstances - unplanned, unintended, and spontaneous.

 

Anything more than a ONS requires intention and planning and desire for a repeat.

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What are your opinions on whether there are worse affair scenarios than others. Let's start from the basis that any type of affair is wrong and damaging but do you think some cause more damage than others? Does the length of time, how many physical encounters, what type of physical encounters, location etc make one worse than another? Just curious about others views on this. Thanks

 

I think the specific circumstances matter a great deal indeed.

 

My wife had a number of ONS or " hook up's " as she described them and while it has been very damaging we have managed to stay together.

I would have treated the situation very differently if their had been anything like an actual affair ( long or short term ) with any emotional involvement. I don't think I would have been able to reconcile if that had happened.

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TheWalkingDead

I'd be careful to say one scenario is "worse" than another without adding the words, "to me".

 

The reason is simple--my WS did stuff FAR more "minor" (by the books) than what a lot of people have experienced, but it is slowly, step by step, killing me because of my emotional profile from things that happened long before we were married.

 

What the WS did was "minor" to many, yet I will NEVER heal, NEVER have confidence, and NEVER have the joy that I once had about life. I've lost my hobbies (largely) and every element of life has become a competition at this point. I obsess over the details I will NEVER learn many, many hours of the day. It has changed even my basic personality, never mind making me think of the world as predatory and making me hate people. Sooooo, I'd rather someone addressing or advising me say, "Such and such would be worse TO ME", out of simple courtesy from the fact that they didn't have their very lives taken by what happened to me and aren't in my head.

Edited by TheWalkingDead
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