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caught my wife out .....


Orangevanman

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Orangevanman

greetings all , i am a long time lurker and never thought i would be posting in this section ....ever ! . but now needs must as i think i am going out of my mind .

 

a brief history , we have been married 20 years this year . we have three girls who all have been trying kids ! , life has all ways seemed to be against us from the day we got married . i give up every thing i had to be with my wife ( my family , inheritance , every thing ) . i have worked my self stupid to keep the roof over our heads (18 hour days seven days a week for two years ) .

 

early last year my wife forgot to log out of facebook and being inquisitive i decided to have a peep at her chat logs , i discovered she had kissed some bloke at her new job , it was going to evolve into something big , i also read what she was saying about me to her co workers , and that hurt me so much :( . so after confronting her about it all we got every thing off our chests and decided to start over again . but early this year i found out she got back in touch with this bloke , went to his house and had sex with him quite a few times .

 

i was ... well words cant describe how i felt ( people who have been hurt like me will know what i mean ) . my world has turned to poo , i lost my job because my performance got hit hard due to my mind set . i still have not had a reason as to why she did it , i keep asking her and get poor excuses from her . she cant tell me why ! . i have been dealing with or trying to for some months now and think i am getting to a point were i need to make my mind up on what's for the best .

 

i try making love to her but cant ! , i just cant get him and her in bed out of my mind . i dont trust her one bit now , i feel so unhappy with her and life , yes i am still hurt but i want to make it work but keep thinking its going to happen again . she is adamant it wont but thats what she said last time , i dropped my guard and got hurt even more . i am 39 and scared about restarting my life again at my age , i also want to love her as we have been through so much i dont want it to be for nothing . i know this sounds a mess and prehaps i could have typed this all out better but i dont have much time before she is home .

 

please help me to be strong , guide me with your wisdom as to whats best to do ...

 

thank you

 

orangevanman

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You're still very young. Too young to have to live like that. There's someone out there that will appreciate you, and it ain't her.

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I can't imagine why you'd want her.

 

She's disrespected and disregarded you in the worst way.

 

Set her free. She can see what a divorce brings to her.

 

You'll have a chance to live again.

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The best thing to do is file for divorce. You may change your mind IF she reforms, shows remorse, and goes to marriage counseling with you. But, it may be past the point of recovery, which is fine. Even if you do reconcile, you will never see her the same way or ever be able to fully trust her again.

 

You're still young. I started over at 45, and you are at an age where - if you're look half-decent, are employed and have a stable personality - you will be in high demand if you approach things properly. Yes, divorce is hard, messy, traumatic, expensive - and worth it.

 

You may come out the other side far happier than you are now.

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Orangevanman
You're still very young. Too young to have to live like that. There's someone out there that will appreciate you, and it ain't her.

thank you :)

I can't imagine why you'd want her.

 

She's disrespected and disregarded you in the worst way.

 

Set her free. She can see what a divorce brings to her.

 

You'll have a chance to live again.

think thats whats holding me back , one of my fears that my mother will say i told you so .

 

The best thing to do is file for divorce. You may change your mind IF she reforms, shows remorse, and goes to marriage counseling with you. But, it may be past the point of recovery, which is fine. Even if you do reconcile, you will never see her the same way or ever be able to fully trust her again.

 

You're still young. I started over at 45, and you are at an age where - if you're look half-decent, are employed and have a stable personality - you will be in high demand if you approach things properly. Yes, divorce is hard, messy, traumatic, expensive - and worth it.

 

You may come out the other side far happier than you are now.

 

she has shown remorse , balling her eyes out and saying how much she hates her self etc etc , i want to believe her but still have the niggly feeling that its just guilt for getting caught ?

 

i do want to love her , but cant keep going through the downs every month ( seems to be a man period ) were i just cant get the both of them together out of my head

 

but thanks for the advise all please keep it coming

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greetings all , i am a long time lurker and never thought i would be posting in this section ....ever ! . but now needs must as i think i am going out of my mind .

 

a brief history , we have been married 20 years this year . we have three girls who all have been trying kids ! , life has all ways seemed to be against us from the day we got married . i give up every thing i had to be with my wife ( my family , inheritance , every thing ) . i have worked my self stupid to keep the roof over our heads (18 hour days seven days a week for two years ) .

 

early last year my wife forgot to log out of facebook and being inquisitive i decided to have a peep at her chat logs , i discovered she had kissed some bloke at her new job , it was going to evolve into something big , i also read what she was saying about me to her co workers , and that hurt me so much :( . so after confronting her about it all we got every thing off our chests and decided to start over again . but early this year i found out she got back in touch with this bloke , went to his house and had sex with him quite a few times .

 

i was ... well words cant describe how i felt ( people who have been hurt like me will know what i mean ) . my world has turned to poo , i lost my job because my performance got hit hard due to my mind set . i still have not had a reason as to why she did it , i keep asking her and get poor excuses from her . she cant tell me why ! . i have been dealing with or trying to for some months now and think i am getting to a point were i need to make my mind up on what's for the best .

 

i try making love to her but cant ! , i just cant get him and her in bed out of my mind . i dont trust her one bit now , i feel so unhappy with her and life , yes i am still hurt but i want to make it work but keep thinking its going to happen again . she is adamant it wont but thats what she said last time , i dropped my guard and got hurt even more . i am 39 and scared about restarting my life again at my age , i also want to love her as we have been through so much i dont want it to be for nothing . i know this sounds a mess and prehaps i could have typed this all out better but i dont have much time before she is home .

 

please help me to be strong , guide me with your wisdom as to whats best to do ...

 

thank you

 

orangevanman

 

 

Sorry this has happened to you. Listen man, like you, I came here looking for answers as well. Almost trying to get people to make a decision for me cause I was completely lost. My world turned upside down and I was in a fog and not able to even process things correctly. And also like you, it had taken its toll and affected my job as well.

 

Only you can make this decision. You're going to get advice from people who have walked down many roads and each person's story is different from the other. Many people are still bitter about things of the past because of the pain that was inflicted on to them by the very person that was supposed to be closest to them.

 

You need to do what is best for you. This doesn't always mean divorce. If you think you can forgive and reconcile you need to get to the root of the problems and fix them. 18 hour days seven days a week is not healthy for you or your family. You were obviously married to your work which most likely caused lots of resentment from your wife. This isn't any way condoning what your wife did but she may have perhaps felt abandoned by you. I had a work issue too and now put my family before work.

 

I found that I can always create time for my family. I was always on edge with work but not anymore. Maybe you both should speak to a counselor and see if there's a way forward. You have three kids and if there's any way to salvage your marriage and get back into happiness with your wife and kids that would be a blessing. If your wife truly loves you and wants to reconcile you will know by the changes she must make that are necessary to pave a way forward and start trust building again which will take a long time. She'll go out of her way to prove her love to you and try to repair the damage that has been done. Understand this isn't a one way street. Changes need to come from both ends to create a life of happiness everyone can enjoy.

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thank you :)

 

think thats whats holding me back , one of my fears that my mother will say i told you so .

 

 

 

she has shown remorse , balling her eyes out and saying how much she hates her self etc etc , i want to believe her but still have the niggly feeling that its just guilt for getting caught ?

 

i do want to love her , but cant keep going through the downs every month ( seems to be a man period ) were i just cant get the both of them together out of my head

 

but thanks for the advise all please keep it coming

 

I have triggered a million times over something so stupid as a song, picture, movie, place or even a commercial. These will be abundant in the beginning but fade in time. My wife and I did not come into our relationship as virgins so it made this a little easier. I still trigger here and there but I tend to try and think of it as another boyfriend or something. I'm hoping I get to the point where it 100% doesn't bother me and I just forget about it completely. I know this will come in time. It has been about a year for me so far. So expect these triggers to happen frequently in the beginning if you're planning to try and reconcile. It's a difficult road ahead.

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Orangevanman

jm thank you , she did make big changes .... for a month or two then sunk back to how she was before ! . i can vouch i hated working those hours , but had to because we were very poor and had christmas round the corner and lots of other expenses to pay for , she encoureged me to work only for me to find i was paying the fuel in my car for her to go have fun ! when i was trying to do the right thing by my family !:(

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Don't agree to reconciliation unless she gets herself into Independent Counselling(IC), she needs to find out why she allowed herself the approval to cheat on you and your children. If you don't fix what is broken in her it will only happen again when the heat is off, do not sweep this under the rug, make her do the work of fixing this.

 

Is the co-worker married, expose him to his wife if he is, she needs to know who she is really married to. I know your out of work but honestly, they can't continue to work together, they need to be no contact if you want their relationship over. She needs to look for new work.

 

They always lie about using protection, get yourselves tested for all STD's, they don't always test for herpes unless you tell them to. The humiliation of testing is a future deterrent because it drives home the potential and risk of contacting an STD that could affect both your lives by having sex with other people. It takes years to get over infidelity, you will never forget but you can learn to live with it.

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TheBladeRunner

Oh Lord.....I do hate that "effing" Facebook! So sorry to hear this is happening to you. Oddly enough my 2 year DDay anniversary will be in about 2.5 weeks and I discovered the A/knew something was up because of all the time she was spending with Zuckerberg's (Facebook) brainchild. At least you know and can move forward from there.

 

That icky feeling you're describing sucks; I know, I was there too just under 2 years ago. Take care of YOU and your kids and don't expect any kind of truth from her. I know you've probably already heard this, but with time it will get better. Stay here on the Shack and vent your butt off, ask for advice, and then vent some more.

 

DON'T do this on your own! Get tight with your friends and involve family. Oh, and get a lawyer in your pocket ASAP. Good luck, it will be alright. I know it doesn't seem like that now, but if you work hard on YOU, it will!

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thank you :)

 

think thats whats holding me back , one of my fears that my mother will say i told you so

 

Let her say it. Mom was obviously right when she said this gal wasn't any good.

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The best thing to do is file for divorce. You may change your mind IF she reforms, shows remorse, and goes to marriage counseling with you. But, it may be past the point of recovery, which is fine. Even if you do reconcile, you will never see her the same way or ever be able to fully trust her again.

 

You're still young. I started over at 45, and you are at an age where - if you're look half-decent, are employed and have a stable personality - you will be in high demand if you approach things properly. Yes, divorce is hard, messy, traumatic, expensive - and worth it.

 

You may come out the other side far happier than you are now.

 

I'm 50. If you aren't fat, unemployed, addicted to any substances or porn, take showers/brush teeth and hair and change into clean clothes every day, 39 is the perfect time to start over.

 

You've been off the dating market since you were 19. At 19 men are at about the lowest point of their dating market value in their lives. At 39 they are at about their highest.

 

Hit the gym, polish up your wardrobe and grooming style, get out and do some fun things with fun people and brush up on some social skills and you will be living a whole new life you didn't know was possible.

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i discovered she had kissed some bloke at her new job , it was going to evolve into something big , i also read what she was saying about me to her co workers , and that hurt me so much :( . so after confronting her about it all we got every thing off our chests and decided to start over again . but early this year i found out she got back in touch with this bloke , went to his house and had sex with him quite a few times .

I'll bet she still works with him. And has given you all kinds of reasons why she can't quit her job...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Let her say it. Mom was obviously right when she said this gal wasn't any good.

 

Yep. And certainly don't stay with her just to avoid one 5-minute conversation where Mom wins.

 

My $.02...she had a second chance. She doesn't get a third. If you do give her another chance, I'm pretty sure you give up your victim card in exchange for one that says, volunteer.

 

Screw that. Start your second life.

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bubbaganoosh

My advice is not to worry about what Mom will say. You have to focus on what you want.

 

If I were you, I would find an attorney serve her with divorce papers. Now that doesn't mean that you have to go through with it but it will send her a message that says that SHE NEEDS TO MAKE CHANGES AND TO SHOW REMORSE AND PROVE IT.

 

Having her served will let her know that her lying and cheating has consequences and it's hers to deal with.

 

If she wants to stay then you let her know that she finds another job, and you have total access to her phone and computer. If she gives you a hard time then tell her that it's either your way or she can leave.

 

She has to know that her behavior and lack of respect has caused this and has no one to blame but herself. Don't back down and let her rug sweep this. She did it the first time and when you thought it was OK, she did it again.

 

Remember this was not a one time thing. She slept with the OM a few times and no doubt she saw the red flags of warning but didn't care. That should tell you everything.

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I hope you both have been tested for STD's. She humiliated, disrespected and put your health at risk for STD's. You know that there probably times that she was being intimate with you after she had been intimate with the OM.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

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whichwayisup
jm thank you , she did make big changes .... for a month or two then sunk back to how she was before ! . i can vouch i hated working those hours , but had to because we were very poor and had christmas round the corner and lots of other expenses to pay for , she encoureged me to work only for me to find i was paying the fuel in my car for her to go have fun ! when i was trying to do the right thing by my family !:(

 

Kick her out. Tell her to pack a bag and GO to the co worker/other man. That you're done. Even if you aren't done, she doesn't need to know that!

 

Absolutely nothing will change until she suffers consequences, sees how life really is without you and she wakes the F up. Right now she's in a place where the grass is greener and she can get away with whatever she pleases, aka the affair.

 

She has no interest in fixing herself or reconnecting with you to fix the marriage, no desire to make an effort and go to counseling... She isn't the woman you married. The woman before you now is selfish, cruel, manipulative and a good liar. She will continue to deceive you! The only way for it to stop is to let her go..

 

Maybe she will come back, if she does, don't take her back right away. Let her 'fix' herself, be on her own and earn your respect again, let her prove to you she's worthy of a chance to make things good again. Until then, focus on you, your kids and cut her out of your life (unless it has to do with the kids) because she is hurting you.

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Orangevanman

thank you all ...

 

she no longer works there any more , she left of her own accord thankfully . i spoke the OM and warned him first time , second time i told the wife to show me were he lives . i took his door off the hinges at 4.30 am and to mine and the wife's surprise (he told her he is separated) his partner was there with his three kids ! . she was shocked and thankfully dropped the charge for criminal damage , we keep in touch just to be on the safe side ( the OM wife that is) , but as i have told my wife and his wife if i ever see him there will be trouble . i know people will say its not worth it etc etc but it will give me closure on it all as he kept sending me insults the first time via txt message .

 

i have taken on board the advice offered on here ( thank you all ) and will be getting a std test next week , its pointless getting a lawyer as we have only the contents of our rented house ( bones of ones ass ) and no savings to talk of . she has said many times if i dont feel happy in any way i can walk and she will not stop me as she wants me to be happy with or without her . i cant afford any counselling as its very expensive in scotland :( . i watch her via spryrix key logger on the home pc and keep track of her via her iphone and watch the phone bills as they are itemised . an other thing that bothers me if i was to leave her is some other bloke looking after my kids ( if she did find some one that is) . and one thing that burns in my mind is one of the first things she said when i confronted her about it all " i only stayed with you because of the kids " , she says it was said in the heat of the moment and she never meant it but it burns away in my mind every day since , as has been pointed out to me she will and has lied to me so why should i trust her ? sort of answering my own question with my own statement .

 

 

but i do have to admit i feel better sharing this to you , even though i dont know any of you . i find this therapy in its self just talking to people who have been through it .

 

thank you all

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Don't think counselling is unaffordable and it is worthwhile.

 

Relate charge on affordability. And you can have individual sessions, you don't have to go as a coupel. So if you can't afford to pay for your sessions you don't have to. By the same token, if you are earning good money the price is around £40 an hour and there is a sliding scale, from £10 upwards.

 

It sometimes takes a week or two to get a first meeting booked but I can't advice strongly enough how important it is. And you may only need a few sessions (after my first I had four and that was fine for me).

 

Five Relate a call, it could cost you nothing but save you everything. Good luck.

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jm thank you , she did make big changes .... for a month or two then sunk back to how she was before ! . i can vouch i hated working those hours , but had to because we were very poor and had christmas round the corner and lots of other expenses to pay for , she encoureged me to work only for me to find i was paying the fuel in my car for her to go have fun ! when i was trying to do the right thing by my family !:(

 

You know, It doesn't really matter what people promise after they get caught, even if they really mean it.

 

You have to ask yourself is she a serial cheater... is she a manipulative liar. did she lie to you in minor cases when you were younger?

 

Because I understand from your hints that she isn't a serial liar. You said you work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week to provide your family... Well, maybe your wife did hope to marry YOU as a person, not only as a provider.

 

Maybe she loves YOU and needs YOU, and when you aren't there for so long - This is the real problem here. You said you did what's right for this family, but maybe you didn't understand the whole picture - that your family, especially your wife, has different priorities.

 

So i think that the second question is - Can you change your routine? can you be available husband for your wife, spending much more time with her, not only to be the money provider...

 

(Let me be clear - I do not in any term blame you for your wife's cheating)

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Orangevanman
Don't think counselling is unaffordable and it is worthwhile.

 

Relate charge on affordability. And you can have individual sessions, you don't have to go as a coupel. So if you can't afford to pay for your sessions you don't have to. By the same token, if you are earning good money the price is around £40 an hour and there is a sliding scale, from £10 upwards.

 

It sometimes takes a week or two to get a first meeting booked but I can't advice strongly enough how important it is. And you may only need a few sessions (after my first I had four and that was fine for me).

 

Five Relate a call, it could cost you nothing but save you everything. Good luck.

 

relate don't operate in scotland :( i did look into it , the church do offer it but its 60 quid a hour . that's cash i don't have as my new job is very low pay and every penny counts to keep food on the table .

 

You know, It doesn't really matter what people promise after they get caught, even if they really mean it.

 

You have to ask yourself is she a serial cheater... is she a manipulative liar. did she lie to you in minor cases when you were younger?

 

Because I understand from your hints that she isn't a serial liar. You said you work 18 hours a day, 7 days a week to provide your family... Well, maybe your wife did hope to marry YOU as a person, not only as a provider.

 

Maybe she loves YOU and needs YOU, and when you aren't there for so long - This is the real problem here. You said you did what's right for this family, but maybe you didn't understand the whole picture - that your family, especially your wife, has different priorities.

 

So i think that the second question is - Can you change your routine? can you be available husband for your wife, spending much more time with her, not only to be the money provider...

 

(Let me be clear - I do not in any term blame you for your wife's cheating)

i remember when the wife's father had an affare , the wife had the woman over a pool table with a pool que ! . shortly after all that her mum passed away , so i was amazed she would do it to me ! . i know she lies to me as she did not know about the key logger on the pc and i could see what she was up to , one night in bed i asked her and she looked at me and told me every thing was fine . i died that night as she seemed to be able to lie to me with ease .

 

my best friend , the one person who i trusted implicitly , my soul partner , the woman i give up every thing for stabbed me twice . she started playing around only one month after i thought i got things back on track .

 

i did not want to work those hours to be honest , but she told me to as we have three kids and no cash for gifts for christmas day for them . i know my kids upbringing had been unsettled and your only young once ,and christmas is more for the kids so i did not want to spoil it for them .

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So she cheated on you twice.

 

You are getting tested for stds. Hopefully she used protection, did she tell you that she did use protection? Has she written you a timeline of the affair?

 

She worked hard to cheat, lie and betray you. Did she support you when the OM was taunting you?

 

So she used so much energy for the OM? What has she done for you in a positive way? What wonderful things is she doing for you to show that she cheated many times and she values you? She knows you. Has she worked many hours to get something special for you?

 

Does she still think that you are her backup plan? What is she doing to show you that you are not her backup plan?

 

She has known you for many years. She knows you. What is she doing for you to show you her remorse, to make your life better?

 

How is she putting you ahead of her selfishness and putting you first to show you she gets to stay?

 

If she does not help, have her go live with the OM and his "wife or girlfriend and his kids.

 

You should read about the 180 on LS and start using the 180. You should have someone that will show you the love and if she can't do that, she should leave. Find yourself someone that will be your partner in your life, not a backstabber.

 

If she can't be the one to help, maybe she could help you find someone else so that she can get out and be by herself.

 

Good luck with the 180.

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Orangevanman

Thank you Harry , I have searched the forum but can't find this 180 thingy , would you have a link plz ?

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