Is it her or my husband?

[losingfaith2014]

This is my first time posting here however I've been lurking awhile. I will try to keep this as short as I can.

My husband and I've been married 15 years. The past years have been hell. It all started when we started hanging out w/ a new couple. A year down the road I find out my husband and his wife have been chatting about personal problems and such. I caught him called him out and severed our friendship w her.

fast forward two years. She contacts me to tell me they've been having an affair for months. Showed me all the evidence of the affair. He begged pleaded to me that he loved me and he would do whatever it takes.

all was great for two months when I was at a business trip I had my friend watch him and he drove past her house They don't believe they were communicating it just appeared he was watching her. Then when I got home I got on hi computer to see get made a fake Facebook and was communicating w her and pretending it was someone confronted him he denied it. we moved on. in the next two month she contacted him twice..drunk. then all faded away.

Two months from then I find out they were seeing each other again. This time he was telling her he loved her and wanted her to leave her husband. She made him happy . When he changed his mind she got Madd and told me lol. I find it humorous he lied to her about loving her pathetic but lol.

TOMAS came and went and we were about four months since there d day and I get a message from her saying they've been seeing each other for three months .bin that time they were planning life together and he changed his mind again.

 

I forgave. Then a month a go I found out they were at it again. I actually caught them at his friends home. we are trying to work this out but it's hard when she sent me 600 pages of instant messenger messages between them. I refuse to look at them.

 

So here is what i think. I believe him...she manipulates him and draws him in. Plays w his emotions. She is crazy and my husband is her victim.

She says she didn't want an affair she knows she messed up and wanted them to both leave and be together. yayayayada!

 

Anyone have a guess what's going on in my hubbies mind? Does he still think about her? Does he love her? Is this over over finally?

[gettingstronger]

Your husband just like mine is a full grown adult and 100 percent responsible for his actions. Unless you both admit that your marriage will always be vulnerable to infidelity.

[whichwayisup]

He is JUST as willing as she is, don't make her out to be the one chasing him and he's an innocent sitting duck. You keep forgiving him with NO consequences, then he turns around and cheats on you again with her.

 

Kick him out, talk to this woman's husband and tell him about the affair.

 

Until he actually feels and suffers consequences, nothing will change. He knows he can manipulate you as well, tell you what you want to hear then wait it out until things settle down, then he goes off to her all over again.

[2sunny]

He's doing this by participating - why? Because he wants to and he can!

 

Get rid of him. His constant cheating isn't likely to change.

 

And stop blaming her - it's his fault. He participates.

 

No reason to live with a jerk like him.

[anne1707]

If you don't place full responsibility on him for his actions and if he does not accept that he is 100% responsible then you will not be able to successfully move on from this. This is not about what she did. It should be all focused on what he did.

 

He needs to change but it sound like he doesn't have to if you put this all on her. It's ripe for the affair to just continue further.

[jackslife]

What's interesting is how many second chances your H is getting from you. Once you caught him and he ended the affair that should have been it. It is a simple her or me situation.

 

In most (but not all) cases the man leaves the OW and tries to rebuild life with his wife. But he your H is still in full affair mode after DDay, having his cake and eating it.

 

Best thing you could do is pack his suitcase, change the locks and contact a divorce lawyer. You've given him enough chances and his behaviour won't change until you force him to pick.

[hoping2heal]

Your husband is a big boy. He could put an end to things if he wanted to, but he doesn't.

 

It's easier to blame her than accept the reality that your husband plays a major and culpable role in this...I get it.

 

Fact is, no matter how strongly he was pursued by her there was always, always an option for him to not give in, to ignore, to shut it down.

 

The woman is a symptom of the problem, the actual problem is your husband. If it's not her, it will be someone else and that isn't anything that this woman is responsible for. That's why it will never "be over" because that woman could be hit by a bus tomorrow, and the real problem (your husband) is still sitting right there.

 

Driving past her house and making a fake FB account? There's feelings there on his side and for her.

[beach]

It's not over because you stay married to him. When you get your self respect in order you will have him leave immediately.

 

He's chosen her by continuing to go back knowing it will hurt you. That's not what love looks like. It's cruel and mean of him, yet he keeps doing it because you've allowed it by staying with him.

 

Have him leave. File for divorce.

[thegoodgirlie]

There are people in this world that will treat you with the kindness and respect you deserve.

 

If it were me, it would be over and I'd be changing the locks. He keeps going back to her. What's the point in trying to work it out when he'll continue to do so? If he's seeing someone else, that makes him not yours. Find someone who will want to be ONLY yours.

 

This victim stuff is crap. He's not a victim. HE drove by HER house. HE made a fake acct. to look at HER facebook. Sounds a bit to me like he is not only a willing participant, but the aggressor in the situation.

 

Good luck!

[Tbisb74]

What's interesting is how many second chances your H is getting from you. Once you caught him and he ended the affair that should have been it.

 

^^This^^, and...

 

It's not over because you stay married to him. When you get your self respect in order you will have him leave immediately.

 

^^This^^.

 

He does it, repeatedly, and gets away with it because he can. Because you let him.

And it will carry on until his dying day - or yours - because you repeatedly, through your actions, tell him that however mad you get, it's acceptable, because you are still with him.

Follow advice on showing him the door, and kick his posterior to the sidewalk.

[harrybrown]

Does her H know?

 

Your H is not remorseful and has had too many chances.

 

If you were having the affair, would he give you this many chances?

 

Go see your attorney. Give him the D and send him to her. They deserve each other, because they will cheat on each other.

 

Sorry that you are going thru this hell.

[dichotomy]

This is my first time posting here however I've been lurking awhile. I will try to keep this as short as I can.

My husband and I've been married 15 years. The past years have been hell. It all started when we started hanging out w/ a new couple. A year down the road I find out my husband and his wife have been chatting about personal problems and such. I caught him called him out and severed our friendship w her.

fast forward two years. She contacts me to tell me they've been having an affair for months. Showed me all the evidence of the affair. He begged pleaded to me that he loved me and he would do whatever it takes.

all was great for two months when I was at a business trip I had my friend watch him and he drove past her house They don't believe they were communicating it just appeared he was watching her. Then when I got home I got on hi computer to see get made a fake Facebook and was communicating w her and pretending it was someone confronted him he denied it. we moved on. in the next two month she contacted him twice..drunk. then all faded away.

Two months from then I find out they were seeing each other again. This time he was telling her he loved her and wanted her to leave her husband. She made him happy . When he changed his mind she got Madd and told me lol. I find it humorous he lied to her about loving her pathetic but lol.

TOMAS came and went and we were about four months since there d day and I get a message from her saying they've been seeing each other for three months .bin that time they were planning life together and he changed his mind again.

 

I forgave. Then a month a go I found out they were at it again. I actually caught them at his friends home. we are trying to work this out but it's hard when she sent me 600 pages of instant messenger messages between them. I refuse to look at them.

 

So here is what i think. I believe him...she manipulates him and draws him in. Plays w his emotions. She is crazy and my husband is her victim.

She says she didn't want an affair she knows she messed up and wanted them to both leave and be together. yayayayada!

 

Anyone have a guess what's going on in my hubbies mind? Does he still think about her? Does he love her? Is this over over finally?

 

 

 

Ummmm..... why have you not read the 600 messages? or demand he turn over every communication? Because you believe he is lying in every one of those 600 messages - his lies and false feelings and thoughts - drawn out by her cunning ways?

 

Sounds like he is simply caught between his cake and ice cream and is saying whatever he needs to say to keep both.

 

.

Edited July 24, 2014 by dichotomy

[stillafool]

Your husband is NOT a victim in this affair. He seems to be the one seeking her out for love and affection. I don't know how many times he has to cheat on you with this woman before you show him the door for good. Until you make a stand for yourself and let him know you've had enough of HIS cheating, expect him to do this again and again.

 

Also why are you afraid to read the messages? The truth will set you free. Don't bury you head in the sand your husband cares alot for this woman and I think the proof is in those 600 pages. Go ahead and read them.

Edited July 24, 2014 by stillafool

[Bryanp]

What does the OW's husband have to say about all of this?

[Tbisb74]

What's the betting he's 'blissfully' unaware....?

[beach]

Are you here losingfaith?

 

Are you reading the responses?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm sorry but YOU are the FOOL here.

 

I'm not sure I can add any more to what's already been said so I would strongly advise you to read them and process them.

 

You are the creator of your own misery. YOU are the one that keeps forgiving him despite his continuous inappropriate and disrespectful actions. No one deserves to be treated this way so why do you allow it?

 

These are not the actions of a man who loves you or respects you or cares for you.

 

He's a LIAR not a victim for heaven's sake.

 

Have some self respect and kick his sorry ass to the curb already.

 

And as for the OW who seems to get her jollies by tattletaling of their affair, Karma is a bitch and she knows where both she and your husband live.

 

Good luck.

[losingfaith2014]

First, thank you all kindly for replying. However, I do not agree with you on all that was said.

Her husband knows it all already. I believe they are trying to work on it at this point. I know when this all started they were separated. But my husband I were NOT. Whenever they start contacting again she "takes a break" from her marriage. Pathetic.

The part that gets me is how she acts like the victim..blaming my husband. Saying he makes her believe that his marriage is miserable and that he is scared to leave because of our two sons and hurting them. She even claimed that he talked about killing himself. Um...I know my husband and he would never say that. How whenever she starts to do better he pops back up into her life and follows her ( ya she wishes he did this). How he tells her he cares..tells.

In fact on DDAY he had me forward a message to her that he didn't want her and would never want anyone like her. She was nasty ugly..crazy...manipulative. I saw it with my own eyes.

And I don't read the messages because I do not want to see what the idiots were talking about.

She's a liar so I really don't need to read them because I KNOW there will not be anything she mentioned in those messages:)

[notserene]

Unfortunately, it's both of them.

 

I suggest you read up on "doing the 180". It sounds like you are catering to your husband too much. If you detach yourself from him he may decide that it's not worth losing you. Or if you feel like you can't reconcile detaching will give you some emotional protection and help you move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is my first time posting here however I've been lurking awhile.

losingfaith2014, you may have been lurking but it's hard to believe you've been paying attention .

 

There are roughly two dozen steps a remorseful wandering spouse voluntarily takes to repair a marriage after an affair. They range from absolute no contact to complete transparency.

 

How many of those steps has your husband completed ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Livingeachday]

If you don't want to read the messages because she is a liar (with way too much time on her hands as she could produce 600 pages of lies) - why not take a close look on all that you know from first hand experience?

 

 

How whenever she starts to do better he pops back up into her life and follows her ( ya she wishes he did this).

 

Let's go back to your first post and - and read the facts you KNOW

 

...all was great for two months when I was at a business trip I had my friend watch him and he drove past her house They don't believe they were communicating it just appeared he was watching her. Then when I got home I got on hi computer to see get made a fake Facebook and was communicating w her and pretending it was someone confronted him he denied it.

 

A) You have got evidence from a third party (neither your H or his OW) that your husband was actually watching her house

 

B) You found evidence YOURSELF that your H had set up a fake facebook profile trying to talk to the OW - you saw that with your own eyes as well....

 

What more would it actually take to make you realise that at least some of her stories are true no matter what your H says/claims?

 

I'm actually a bit lost on what sort of advice you are looking for on this forum when you clearly seem to believe that you husband can do no wrong and that the OW is crazy and a liar. Isn't that the answer to your initial starting question of this thread?

[HereNorThere]

I know how hard it must be to admit to yourself that someone you love would do this to you, but at some point you are going to have to. This really has nothing to do with the OW.

 

Trust me, if it wasn't this woman, it would eventually be another. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know it's easier blame someone else, but that person didn't forcibly rape your husband. He's doing this and from the looks of it, the obsession still persist. You can do the 180 and he might turn himself around, but you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. Why? Because you know you have to with a person capable of this.