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Swirling thoughts


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I'm tired of the nightmares, all the triggers around town, the feeling of settling for less than what I want.. We are both tired of not being sure our spouses are safe to be with, if we're doing the right thing by staying together... we've been released from MC and are both still in IC.

 

(quick recap, I had A 4.5 years ago (confessed), then raped 3.5 years ago, he had two affairs that I caught him in 2 and 2.5 years ago)

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Then gently, it might be time to call it a day. No one would ever call it a hasty decision or say you did not give it your all.

 

I am sorry it's so rough. I know you've worked so hard.

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Do you love him ENOUGH to make it work?

 

Do you want to kick it....

All the issues to resolve it??????

 

Only you know if you have the courage (and if he does) to address this......

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Yes I love him enough. We have been working hard. I would love to kick it and resolve it but how? It doesn't go away. It's getting better, but oh so slowly.,,,

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Going in the right direction. hang on tight.

 

Some days are better than others. I have been having some better days.

 

We just passed 40 years together. I have had a very rough 3 to 3 and 1/2 years, but I do think she is trying harder lately.

 

Hope things continue to go in the right direction. I do hope he is trying along with you.

 

Did the MC help?

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Everything I have read....it takes 2 to 5 years to overcome infidelity...and that is with BOTH parties working very, very hard...TELLING the total truth about it.

 

For me, PEACE came around 3 YEARS. Don't really know why. Just happened that way.

 

I wish you peace.

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He tries the way he can but he really really wants to build positive memories and not take much action regarding my triggers, except say he's sorry.

He's a good husband. But I'll never trust him100%.

 

Here's a question I asked myself today- why would I do anything I could to ease his pain of being a BS but why won't I do that for myself?

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MC helped mostly because he held hubby's feet to the fire about a few things...

He really blamed me for his actions and thought if my rape as a second affair in some instances. We got that straightened around although it took about a year and that year crushed me, the things he said. I understand why he was do angry with me, I just wish he would have handled it differently. I almost left several times... I think we're beyond that now....

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As someone who also has (had?) a rough reconciliation, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I don't think you should give up quite yet though. Something is still keeping you there.

 

Have you talked with your husband to get his thoughts about the future of your marriage? Is he still committed to rebuilding and repairing it?

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yes, he is committed. But he thinks that is comforting me when I trigger and making good positive memories. The future is full of grandkids and a lake home - we both share that.

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I almost left several times... I think we're beyond that now....

 

That's a pretty normal feeling.

 

Because you don't feel safe and secure in the relationship, it's totally normal to have almost daily thoughts of "I'm in / I'm out".

 

Deciding to stay in a relationship after infidelity is much harder that deciding to separate. The initial pain and transition of separation is a lot to deal with. But the prolonged difficulty of rebuilding with a WS takes a lot more out of a person.

 

Listen to what's in your heart. It may not always give you the right answer, but it will always be honest.

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