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Wife had an affair with my friend and it gets worse


Now What 2014

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Now What 2014

I am so ripped up inside I don't know what to do. This began 9 years ago but my wife just told me about a month ago. I've been living in the dark for 9 years!

 

Here is our history. My wife and I have known each other since we were 13 years old and began dating at the end of high school. Were were each other's first long term serious relationship. We had only been with each other sexually and got married young (age 20). A few months after getting married I fell ill and it was eventually discovered that I had a rare and somewhat debilitating form of muscular dystrophy. It was devastating. Our marriage began to suffer immensely.

 

About 4 years later an old friend of mine from childhood began to hang around with me again. He was going through an ugly divorce - his wife was having an affair and he wanted someone to talk to. My wife is a very friendly and caring person (and stunningly beautiful) and I guess he began to confid in her too. One day he dropped in at our home while I was working late. One thing led to another and they ended up making out in my home. My wife said she was trying to comfort him and things just got away from her. By her own admission though they were attracted to each other. About a week later she went out with a friend to the mall and her friend ended up having to leave due to a family emergency, instead of calling me to pick her up, she took a taxi to my friends house to talk about what had happened. They ended up having sex instead. I remember her coming home late that night and we had a huge fight. She ended up leaving and going to her parents house. We got things back on track and went to marriage counseling but she never mentioned the affair, although I was somewhat suspicious at the time. If I would ever mention it she would flatly deny anything ever happened.

 

It turned out that she was two weeks pregnant with our first child when this affair took place.

 

We now have two more children....

 

About a month ago we are sleeping in bed when my wife shoots straight up and is panicking. She had a nightmare and said she needed to tell me something she had been keeping a secret. I asked if she had an affair since I had long suspected she had. She said no, I was raped by my cousin two years ago in our home while you were at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This cousin had passed away in his late 30's from a heart attack. According to my wife this man also molested her as a child. He had been to our house for play dates with his kids before and had spent time with him at family events.

 

Strange and terrible as this was I knew something else was eating at her so I pressed her about an affair which she finally admitted to. We have now entered counseling again and this time she says everything is on the table.

 

She says she never told me about the affair because she thought I would leave her (major abandonment issues from her childhood - another long story) and didn't tell me about the rape because she didn't want my compassion when she was hiding the affair. She felt she didn't deserve any sympathy.

 

I love my wife desperately but my trust in her is now completely gone. I wonder what else she could be hiding.

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Are you 100% sure she was raped by her cousin? Not saying it is not possible...but, my faith in people is rather low. Her waking up in the middle of the night, probably due to a guilt ridden fear over her affair...or this rape, if it happened.

 

I am sorry she had this affair. You have battled much, at a young age no doubt!

I hope she is throwing everything on the table...Usually one never gets the whole story or truth in these cases. I imagine that you will not be leaving her? Without trust, it is hard to work a relationship, as your trust is greatly diminished.

 

If you want to stay in this relationship, it is best to work on regaining your trust in her, and her working to show you she is no longer willing to cheat on you. Basically, you both have a lot of work ahead of you.

 

However, if you feel as though trust is unobtainable, or simply not worth it, you may want to consider divorce.

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Now What 2014

I am pretty sure she is telling me the truth about the rape. It's very difficult for her to discuss and she has provided enough detail about it that it would be crazy for her to make it up. I really want to work on the marriage and regain the trust. We do have a wonderful life together as difficult as all this is... including my health problems. I also want to protect my children from a divorce if possible. My wife doesn't work right now because she is at home with our younger two children who aren't in school yet.

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The timing is suspicious, so I suggest you DNA test your child to be sure it's yours.

 

She has betrayed you repeatedly, and hidden it. What is she doing to ensure that this will never happen again, to show remorse, and to help you eventually rebuild trust? She needs to break off all contact with these guys, and provide you with full access to her phone, computers, etc., so you can monitor. If there is any opportunity for her to see these guys when you aren't around, put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car or other location where she is likely to talk to them if she continues cheating. Marriage counselling is also a must, but if you do, find a counsellor who isn't sympathetic to cheaters.

 

I strongly suggest filing for divorce as well. You can decide whether or not to go through with it based on her efforts at full disclosure and reconciliation. But it sends a strong message that you won't tolerate her behavior, and it's up to her to fix things or she's out.

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Now What 2014

I don't think I need to worry about my friend too much. The day after the affair he called my wife to say that what they did was very wrong and he didn't want to break up our marriage. We haven't seen or heard from him since that time. He has since gotten re-married and started a family. I texted him last week to confront and coroberat the story. He said he was very sorry he betrayed me. He said his own wifes infidelity at the time took him to a very dark place. I told him that he is never to contact our family and if he sees us in public - walk the other way.

 

As far as a DNA test for my oldest child. I had thought about it but I'm 99.9% sure he is mine. He is my little clone right down to the exact same eye glasses prescription. The friend and my wife don't wear glasses. My wife says they used a condom. I know that my wife and I were still having regular sex during that time, so I really don't doubt he is my child.

 

She has shown alot of remorse and wants to make things work, so divorce is off the table for now. I have full access to her phone and email. She says she will make sure she is never alone with a man again just so there can't even be the perception that something is going on.

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I am so sorry, a truly difficult situation.

 

 

 

One day he dropped in at our home while I was working late. One thing led to another and they ended up making out in my home. My wife said she was trying to comfort him and things just got away from her.

 

 

"things just got away".... unreal how that gets rationalized by WS.

 

By her own admission though they were attracted to each other.

 

and this is supposed to make it sound better... wow... she is unreal.

 

About a week later she went out with a friend to the mall and her friend ended up having to leave due to a family emergency, instead of calling me to pick her up, she took a taxi to my friends house to talk about what had happened. They ended up having sex instead.

 

No, she was not going talk about anything... that was never her intent and sadly not your friends either.

 

 

I remember her coming home late that night and we had a huge fight. She ended up leaving and going to her parents house.

 

 

This is I find interesting, what was her story at the time? What was the fight's context? Did you bring up you thought she had slept with some one?

 

I ask because you state you went to counseling and suspected an Affair.

 

What did she say happened?

 

 

 

It turned out that she was two weeks pregnant with our first child when this affair took place.

 

We now have two more children....

 

oh man, i am so sorry.

 

 

Rape is very serious, but cannot be used as a means to deflect from what is done. She is in serious need of support for the rape but you have your own issues as a couple to sort through.

 

All i can say is don't find reasons as in staying for the kids and such, you also need to make sure you don't suffer from this point on from sympathy you may feel and etc, stay for the right reasons. Also as you stated, trust is gone and who knows if you have the whole of the story... as you sort of implied there may have been more partners? She seemed to be so casual about it.

 

Very sorry again.

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Now What 2014

I did accuse her of an affair that night. She denied it. I kicked a hole in the wall and insulted her so she left.

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Now What 2014

We were fighting alot back then. Both of us were still coming to terms with my health problems and we felt robbed by the disease. That was what we talked about in counseling. The therapist we had at the time was brutal. He just wasn't very good. We were both too young and naive to know any better. She says she wasn't comfortable talking to this person about our problems.

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gettingstronger

Sorry if this has been asked and answered-but was it one night or an on-going 9 year affair? Both are hurtful for sure, so I am not trying to minimize anything-just trying to get a clearer picture-

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bubbaganoosh

Rape is a very ugly thing and is inexcusable but what bothers me about this confession is that her cousin is dead so you only have her word and as of right now, her word carries no value since she has cheated on you.

 

I can't tell you what to do but if it was me, I wouldn't be so ready to take the incident with her cousin as gospel truth.

 

My advice is to tell her that your setting up a polygraph test because she's not the only one hurting in this situation.

 

It's one thing if this ugly incident happened but then she cheats on you so how can you fully believe her story when your getting only one side of it since her cousin died and the affair she had with your friend. It would make anyone skeptical.

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Did your wife ever get tested for stds? She had sex with your "friend" that had a cheating wife.

 

Did you ask your wife for a timeline of all her affairs? She could write one for you now.

 

Sorry for your health and marriage troubles.

 

If she is really remorseful, she should read about how to help you heal.

 

Would she sign an agreement that if she cheats again, that you get custody of the kids, she gets a job and pays child support? I hope she will be transparent and completely honest with you.

 

Good luck.

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HereNorThere

So you have a choice, stay with someone who would cheat on you with your friend and lie to you about it while you are fighting a terrible illness and obviously has some major isssues, or you can leave and rebuild your life.

 

Im sorry to say, but I see no easy way out of this for you. If you do stay, be prepared for what you are going to have to live with. At the very least, she needs be in intensive therapy. Her behavior seems right on par with borderline personality disorder or some other impulse control issues.

 

Do not let her use this possible past rape as an excuse. You've been through some hard times your life and they did not enable you to hurt others.

 

I feel for ya man, but think about the advice you would give someone in your shoes (the logical, non-emotional side). Do you think you would ever tell a friend to stay in a situation like this? It's abuse, pure and simple.

Edited by HereNorThere
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Now What 2014

Ya I told her what she did was a form of abuse. I have supported this family on my own by working full time with a disability for the last 9 years, its taking a terrible toll on my body. I just don't know if I can believe she hasn't had any other affairs. If she can do this once and lie about it. Just to clarify she is saying this only happened once 9 years ago it wasn't an on going affair.

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About a month ago we are sleeping in bed when my wife shoots straight up and is panicking. She had a nightmare and said she needed to tell me something she had been keeping a secret. I asked if she had an affair since I had long suspected she had. She said no, I was raped by my cousin two years ago in our home while you were at work. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This cousin had passed away in his late 30's from a heart attack. According to my wife this man also molested her as a child. He had been to our house for play dates with his kids before and had spent time with him at family events.

NW2014, does this remotely make sense to you?

 

Even though he molested her as a child, your wife entertains him in your home with no other adults present? And then doesn't tell you or the authorities about the sexual assault?

 

I'm no detective but seems unlikely at best...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Sorry but I think your wife is in damage control and I have a hunch that this was probably just a tip of the iceberg. She did not even have any problem making out in your home. This says a great deal so I strongly suspect there is a great deal that you do not know about her entire history in your marriage. I have a hunch that you are in denial. I would strongly suggest that you consider giving her a polygraph test. I doubt that you know the whole truth.

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Now What 2014

I know the rape issue doesn't make alot of sense to me either. That was the first thing I said to her when she told me. Why on earth would you have contact with your childhood abuser. She also gets mad when ever I start to question her about her honesty. She says things like "sure everything is always all my fault like you are perfect!" I have always been open an honest about my failings with her. I have a short temper and can be distant and depressed because of my health issues at times.

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Now What 2014

I suggested a poly test and she flew into a fit about it. Saying if she had to take one so would I. I laughed because I have nothing to hide. Then she said those things aren't accurate.

 

Maybe I am in denial, this just doesn't seem like the person I married. I've know her for 20 years, we grew up together. Its solo hard to deal with

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I agree with others who believe that your wife is lying about being raped. Her anger when you confront her about her honesty, is an evasive maneuver, a deflection tactic that liars often use to push the blame back to the question-asker.

 

I think she lied to you about being raped to increase your guilty feelings, so she could be scott-free from her affair with your friend. I don't believe your wife was raped. There's just no way a rational woman who is a rape victim would entertain her rapist and his children in her home alone.

 

Ask any rape counselor or rape victim and they'd tell you the same. Your wife is lying about being raped. Lairs are great storytellers by the way. They always have an answer and/or excuse to fill in any blanks and they are master emotional abusers/manipulators.

 

Don't trust your wife about her rape story. It's just not true.

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I suggested a poly test and she flew into a fit about it. Saying if she had to take one so would I. I laughed because I have nothing to hide. Then she said those things aren't accurate.

 

Maybe I am in denial, this just doesn't seem like the person I married. I've know her for 20 years, we grew up together. Its solo hard to deal with

 

You may be in denial b/c you've known each other for 20 years. If she was raped, and it was important for her to regain your trust and DEMONSTRATE that she would do anything to regain your trust, then she would take the polygraph test no questions asked.

 

But look at the facts. She refuses to take it and deflects her guilt back on to you, because she doesn't want to get caught in a her obvious lie. Her refusal to take that test is all the proof you need that she's lying.

 

If she truly loved you and had nothing to hide, she'd take the test because she would know she was telling the truth. But since she's lied to you, she's trying to protect herself from you finding out. She sounds very selfish and manipulative.

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Saying if she had to take one so would I.

So take her up on her offer and arrange one for both of you. The results - or her refusal to take one - would bring some clarity to this mess...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I personally would just call her on the polygraph. Tell her you plan on getting it setup and you have no problem taking one for yourself. Chances are you are going to hear a completely different reason why she wont do it. Once you do this is your queue to leave her. I do agree with the others I think you are in denial. These are not just red flags people are pointing out to you. They are stop signs and you keep on just going past them like they are nothing. You need to stand up for you and your child.

 

Clay

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HereNorThere

It just seems too convenient and minimized. Look, you aren't going to be satisfied until you get the truth out of her, so figure out how to do it, or leave. Read about the 180 on here and get out of there long enough to get your head straight. There's no way you're going to be able to think about this logically when you are waking up next to her everyday. Even if you decided to stay, you need time to gather your thoughts. Also, I would suggest booking a therapy appointment for yourself.

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Now What 2014

Why lie about the rape though? I had to drag the affair admission out of her, she only wanted to tell me about being raped. The way she explained things was that she was molested by him once when they were around 7. She thought it was just a kid being currious. I'll show you mine and now you show me yours kinda thing. When he came over I was always around and so was the family. One day he showed up unannounced and did this to her.

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Why lie about the rape though? I had to drag the affair admission out of her, she only wanted to tell me about being raped. The way she explained things was that she was molested by him once when they were around 7. She thought it was just a kid being currious. I'll show you mine and now you show me yours kinda thing. When he came over I was always around and so was the family. One day he showed up unannounced and did this to her.

 

Like I said. She made up the rape story (conveniently timed, no doubt) to distract you from finding out about the affair she had with your friend. Your intuition was setting off alarm bells in your head that your wife had been unfaithful. She must have picked up on that, on your sense of distrust. So she created this rape/molestation story to cover her tracks. Of course she's going to lie to you about being unfaithful. Why would she agree b/c it means she betrayed you and in a marriage, betrayal is worse than death because you made a commitment to each other to be faithful and loyal.

 

The whole molestation/rape story is great fiction, and it was easy for her to tell you that b/c its NOT TRUE. Why was it so easy for her to tell you she was molested/raped when she kept lying to you about having an affair? Because she's a liar and her cousin is dead so he can't really call her out as a liar. You only have her side of the story.

 

Listen, if she was molested/raped by her cousin, there's no way she could be around him in person ever again. She would have sought therapy for it if she really had been molested/raped by him, and she would have told you about it before you two had sex b/c survivors of rape and molestation have major issues with creating and maintaining physical and emotional intimacy with a partner. Rape can devastate its victims and make women more sexually promiscuous or extremely closed off sexually as a side effect. I just don't believe that your wife was molested or raped.

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Now What 2014

If I am being brutally honest with myself, I would rather be with a beautiful, lying, cheater than be alone. I know my love for her is completely irrational. My self esteem has be ground into the dirt. I feel like being a person with this terrible disease, no one else would want me. I think I know how those battered spouses keep making excuses for their partner, it won't happen again. It was my fault kinda thing.

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