StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Hello All, I really do hope I am addressing a new lot of souls, and that the ones who would remember me have moved on to find their peace……. I was something of a “bad guy” around here…a little Darth Vaderish lol haha…..(hey I always liked LORD VADER lol)….because I was a cheater. I locked horns with many people here as we traded our, “wisdom” hehe, and then one day…………..I was gone. Anyways, something just came over me to come back here to post an update so here goes. Our marriage came to a head and we separated (end of 2012). That was a very jarring time for both me and my ex. It took a heavy toll on me and has left me deeply scarred; I can no longer entertain the notion of a committed relationship….this is not by choice, I don’t know what it is but as soon as someone gets too close to me, a trigger goes off and I would just self-destruct the relationship….well that’s what would happen in the beginning my life shift…I didn’t understand why this was happening…anyways I know better now lol. Now I’m very up front with women I meet. They know I’m “scarred”; They know I can only go so far….They even know about the “trigger” haha; which I do still have..but making lots of progress! This all may sound bad to you, but you know what?...... I’ve never been happier! I feel so free!...what a feeling!! Yeah I can’t do serious relationships right now…but really I’m cool with that because I don’t want that anyways lol and that’s totally ok lol. The way I see things….I hate doing commitment for commitment sake…and that’s ok too lol. However, I think I possibly can be in a “normal” relationship; perhaps I’m just holding out for the right woman, not just a type of woman (make sense?); makes total sense to me lol. I find I’m much more honest with myself now and that’s very liberating…I’m in the best shape of my life! …needless to say I’m meeting people left, right and center lol…. I have an A M A Z I N G relationship with my daughter!! Shes my little princess!…. List goes on…. I’m not writing all of this to go off on myself…not at all I guess the message is…..to both sides… cheaters, BS? BBS? (I cant remember the term for the one cheated on..); I play no sides… I say this.. having been where many of you are now, I know things can seem pretty bleak. But just hang in there! It WILL get sorted out and you will find your peace…you have no idea what good stuff is waiting for you around the corner! Chin up, all of you! StoneCold 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 Interesting. Very few people here like you. Did you have to give up 1/2 of everything to buy your freedom?? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 What is the impact on your daughter with the D? Has she had some counseling to help with the adjustments? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 I understand about your fear of commitment. After I broke up with my ExW I swore I would never love or marry again. The pain, anger etc., was too great to go thru a second time. I learned to like living alone. It was freedom. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted. Living alone did not mean I gave up on women, I still had a very active dating life. However, like you, once I saw love walking down the street headed toward my front door, I was out the back door and down the alley. In short I was a runner. I was so determined, that with the last one, over decade later, a very rich gal, offered a 2 week trip to Tahiti, and scuba diving, I almost caved, but instead packed my things and moved a thousand miles away, back to the safety of my home town. A little over two years later, first kiss, second date, my mighty, tall and thick walls melted in a flash. That night going home alone, for the first time in a dozen years, I was lonely. They say love is a choice! I never got to make that choice, whether I liked it or not, I was falling in love and it was too late to not get hurt. We have now been together for coming up on 19 very happy years. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 Interesting. Very few people here like you. Did you have to give up 1/2 of everything to buy your freedom?? I gave up everything to "buy" my freedom....and you know what? It was the best bargain I every had lol! ! what a steal Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 What is the impact on your daughter with the D? Has she had some counseling to help with the adjustments? Shes totally fine... Children just need to feel love....She has a good mom that loves her very much...and she has a "crazy" dad that loves her so much he would stop time for her.....and she knows it too lol... She is a very happy child; and that makes me so happy The time I spend with her now is so much more quality....there are no interruptions...its just daddy and princess...to be honest...I actually think that if both parties are adult about the split; and keep the important things in mind...a set up like that is actually better than the traditional "married/nuclear family setup, that we all were told was so "superior" (NOT) lol!! I've done both...this is much better lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 20, 2014 Author Share Posted July 20, 2014 (edited) wow!! I understand about your fear of commitment. After I broke up with my ExW I swore I would never love or marry again. The pain, anger etc., was too great to go thru a second time. I learned to like living alone. It was freedom. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted. Living alone did not mean I gave up on women, I still had a very active dating life. However, like you, once I saw love walking down the street headed toward my front door, I was out the back door and down the alley. In short I was a runner. I was so determined, that with the last one, over decade later, a very rich gal, offered a 2 week trip to Tahiti, and scuba diving, I almost caved, but instead packed my things and moved a thousand miles away, back to the safety of my home town. lol this is pretty much me to a TEE.I don't seem to mind it though lol whats even funnier is... A little over two years later, first kiss, second date, my mighty, tall and thick walls melted in a flash. That night going home alone, for the first time in a dozen years, I was lonely. They say love is a choice! I never got to make that choice, whether I liked it or not, I was falling in love and it was too late to not get hurt. We have now been together for coming up on 19 very happy years. ....This is how I envisioned the next shift going down lol....even the "not having a choice" part lol. I can see me committing to someone again but I really cant see me making it legally binding (marriage) again though lol.... marriage doesn't prove anything, really, and the potential legal risk you expose yourself to...its unnecessary... it just doesn't add up for me. Edited July 20, 2014 by StoneCold 2.0 Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 20, 2014 Share Posted July 20, 2014 SC We are not married, either one of us can walk out at any time. Which means neither one of us takes the other for granted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 SC We are not married, either one of us can walk out at any time. Which means neither one of us takes the other for granted. Thats a nice setup...good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Sounds like your wife actually got her freedom, not the other way around- she is free to pursue a relationship with a faithful partner- and in the end you get to lead an authentic life rather than lie and cheat- Its a win/win there- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) Sounds like your wife actually got her freedom, not the other way around- she is free to pursue a relationship with a faithful partner- and in the end you get to lead an authentic life rather than lie and cheat- Its a win/win there- lol um....ok. Somethings never change eh lol...BS (cheated ons just know everything and they are the only victim) hahaha. For someone who doesn't know my ex you conclude quite a bit haha. Turns out she was in an EA....this much I found out/knew; I dont know when exactly it started.... and from what I know of her I would not be surprised if it went on for quite a while and went further.... I played dumb just to see if after going off like some sort of "victim", she would fess up to her end.....she never did lol and I just left it because I really didnt care (and found it all very comical)... I was going out and entering freedom, so big deal. we're both free now so what ever Edited July 21, 2014 by StoneCold 2.0 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Sorry to strike a nerve- just felt that the point of freedom needed clarification- when the cards are on the table then all involved are able to make decisions based on truth- thats freedom- I am confused on why WS feel they are so special that a BS would rather live a lie with them than know the truth and be able to make their own decisions- the idea of "I got MY freedom by leaving the person I cheated on" is just so backwards-true freedom comes with truth-period- In the end-you are both happy and your child is doing well so its a win- Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 (edited) Sorry to strike a nerve- just felt that the point of freedom needed clarification- when the cards are on the table then all involved are able to make decisions based on truth- thats freedom-I am confused on why WS feel they are so special that a BS would rather live a lie with them than know the truth and be able to make their own decisions- the idea of "I got MY freedom by leaving the person I cheated on" is just so backwards-true freedom comes with truth-period- ok...but "all the cards" arent just cheating lol...there are many ways to lie, deceive, manipulate, restrict.....if all of that merely just got back to cheating life would be pretty simple...but no....theres a very diverse set of "playing cards" and both sides play their hands....thats life What you seem to not understand is some of us define freedom differently. Edited July 21, 2014 by StoneCold 2.0 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Being married did not keep you from being in another relationship so yes, I agree freedom is not that- freedom means truth and the ability to make decisions based on truth-not just for the BS but for the WS as well-when they come clean and admit to who/what they are then they too are free to live authentically-I don't care what anyone says, it can not feel good to lie and cheat-it just can't- Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 Being married did not keep you from being in another relationship so yes yeah, it also didnt keep her from lieing and manipulating me on many other points as well (to the point where....if i had all the truth....I wouldn't even have married to begin with)....its a two way street, neither side had all the truth Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 21, 2014 Author Share Posted July 21, 2014 but anyways I didn't come here to ruffle feathers... I just came to raise a few spirits Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 No worries , no feathers ruffled here. I do wish you the best in your quest for peace. It appears you still have a ways to go, as we all do. Cheers!! Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted July 21, 2014 Share Posted July 21, 2014 Shes totally fine... Children just need to feel love....She has a good mom that loves her very much...and she has a "crazy" dad that loves her so much he would stop time for her.....and she knows it too lol... She is a very happy child; and that makes me so happy The time I spend with her now is so much more quality....there are no interruptions...its just daddy and princess...to be honest...I actually think that if both parties are adult about the split; and keep the important things in mind...a set up like that is actually better than the traditional "married/nuclear family setup, that we all were told was so "superior" (NOT) lol!! I've done both...this is much better lol Children need a whole lot more than just to feel loved. Children who come from divorced homes have significantly higher divorces rates in their future marriages. They also have higher rates of suicide, depression, anxiety and trust issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 22, 2014 Author Share Posted July 22, 2014 Children need a whole lot more than just to feel loved. I disagree...All that they need will come from that root really... but the parents gotta wake up and be honest with themselves first and keep perspective in mind....because many parents are understandably so distracted with their life's perils they cant see they are dropping the ball..... Children who come from divorced homes have significantly higher divorces rates in their future marriages. A) Could mean they are a little wiser/stronger/real than others...knowing when something has come to an end and acting takes wisdom, strength and courage. IMHO theres nothing impressive about staying married for marriage sake......absolutely nothing. B) I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing...maybe they would be happier not married but in an arrangement that works for them (and the other of course)...many people do it but the world we live in today that continues to ram the concept of marriage down our throats...like its the key to a happy life...so your going to end up having a lot of people who really shouldn't be marrying...marrying....why? pack mentality...it may sound weak but it actually does work (largely)....some wake up at varying points to set their own path...most never wake up. Whats more troublesome to me is how they have us dependent on the pack rather than independent to see our own path and do what works for us... They also have higher rates of suicide, depression, anxiety and trust issues. Those are all just results of a deeper problem..bet you if we drilled down on those souls we will see a lack of love and proper attention....real love/attention, mind you..... not "we bought him a beemer, whats his problem??" Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted July 22, 2014 Share Posted July 22, 2014 Thank you for your good wishes. I have found a sort of peace re our marriage. Lots of worms let out of cans (his and mine) but I think we are doing pretty well rounding 'em all up and sending them on their way Iirc you were one of the posters that scared me to death when I first came here looking for help - I searched the threads looking for advice and experience of others in my position. You seemed to want to stick it to the BS all the time which seemed unjust but... time and LS has made me realise that nothing is that black and white. And every situation is different of course. BTW I agree with you about children. They need to be and feel loved and valued above all. And whether that happens in one home it two as long as it happens they have a good chance of being ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StoneCold 2.0 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) You seemed to want to stick it to the BS all the time which seemed unjust but.. I suppose it could seem that way when you are on a board that is majority BS's that didn't know me yet was "qualified" to pass judgement on me lol time and LS has made me realize that nothing is that black and white. And every situation is different of course. I am actually shocked that you learned that here though lol Edited July 23, 2014 by StoneCold 2.0 Link to post Share on other sites
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