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Cheating Wife (second time around)


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My wife cheated on me about 10 years ago with another man and when it didnt work out for her she came back to me and I forgave her.

 

Fast forward 8 years and shes doing it again this time with a married man. My wife lost a lot of weight and got into running and the next thing you know shes cheating. Weve discussed it and ive gone so far as to start working on divorce papers. The guy is younger than her by a few years and around 38 or so. Wife is 42 and im 47. Im a complete mess we have 3 kids (twin girls 15 and my son 12). They know what shes been doing and are furious with her.

 

I know im rambling but I cant eat or sleep well. Lost 45 lbs of weight and am now down to my college weight.

 

Do you think her relationship will last or should I just pull the plug. Problem is I'm in love with my wife and my heart is breaking.

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changchewsoon

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, from the looks of it I would suspect this is not the second time she is cheating on you. She probably has cheated throughout the years, but just that you managed to discover it this time.

 

When you took her back the first time, it is because it didn't work out for her. She came back for the wrong reasons.

 

And it sucks even more to know that your kids are aware of her wrong doings.

 

It seems like you are contemplating to see whether this time it works out for her or not before you decide to serve her the papers.

 

Please do not be a doormat, you need to do the right thing, grow a spine and put your foot down and serve her the damn papers.

 

This is not about her any more, it is about you, respect and dignity.

 

You need to take good care of yourself, try to eat healthy and sleep if you can, even for a little bit.

 

Please keep us posted, and I am sure there will be more posters giving you their thoughts and advice.

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Friskyone4u

You are on the right track about filing divorce papers. Right now and in the past she is cheating with no consequences that she can feel. You are in an open marriage of her choosing.

You cannot control her but you can control you. Serve her with the divorce papers and tel her you choose to be in a marriage with two people not three and she has two choices

(1) end this affair immediately with NC and anything other things you need like verifyiable total transparency of her electronic media.

(2) end the relationship and whatever that means for her so be it

 

No compromise at all!!!

 

If you do not do this you will not solve your problem and she will continue to humiliate you and you will be tormented every day.

 

Only you can fix this but you will not nice her back to reality. Do not agree to any MC while she is in an active affair

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One other thing we got married in Jamaica but never registered the marriage in the US. Is the marriage even legally valid in the US?

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Cant frikin believe how bad this makes me feel. I was asked to take some vacation time by my employer to regroup because I wasnt concentrating at work.

 

It really bites that the victim is the one who feels bad.

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Man this **** hurts. I feel betrayed and now feel like I have to find another girl at least as pretty and smart as she is. But the thing is im getting older and its not so easy to get on with a new life at my age.

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Man this **** hurts. I feel betrayed and now feel like I have to find another girl at least as pretty and smart as she is. But the thing is im getting older and its not so easy to get on with a new life at my age.[/Quote]

 

You're kidding....?

'Man this hurts and you feel betrayed' - but you're already thinking ahead to finding someone else?

 

Things look bleak right now because you're down.

Of course you shouldn't even think of dating right now.

Deal with the current problem, get everything sorted and over with, then think about your love/sex life.

Oh, and, by all means use her gifts as a benchmark, but don't go round 'comparing' women.

Your ex- isn't good at everything, is she?

And by the way, my elderly neighbour has just married a woman he met 5 years ago, aged 65.

'At your age'...? people should quit using 'age' as a personal barrier to having fun.

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Google that question about Jamaican marriages being legal in US.

 

Try to keep the kids completely out of all this. Judges frown on confiding adult problems to the kids, so don't do that. I realize she may be doing it or they may be seeing it, but don't you do it. It's not fair to them.

 

Cheating isn't taken into consideration in divorce proceedings. I think it ought to be but cheating alone isn't. Because of the kids, you're probably going to have to get a lawyer, legal marriage or no, because you'll have to work out custody.

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2.50 a gallon

Does the OM's wife know?

 

 

From what you have described, you are the fall back guy.

 

 

Do the 180, and move on in life. No begging, crying sending flowers, I love you's

 

 

As for being 47, there are lots of ladies out there. I was married and quickly divorced at age 35, Then played the field for over a decade, so this is a voice of experience.

 

 

I was 49 when I met my current lady, been together for coming up on 19 years. She is 8 years younger than me, a granny of a teenager, and out of my league in the looks department, as she still has a flat stomach and an hour glass figure.

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Man this **** hurts. I feel betrayed and now feel like I have to find another girl at least as pretty and smart as she is. But the thing is im getting older and its not so easy to get on with a new life at my age.

 

Rubbish! You and your wife are the same age as my fiance and I. We've managed to find happiness with each other after terrible past relationships.

Your wife may be pretty but I wouldn't call her smart, she's ruined her marriage and let down her kids... Pretty dumb IMO!

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There is no requirement that foreign marriages be "registered" in the US to be valid. Whether your presumed marriage is valid rests on specific facts and laws in both Jamaica and the US. If you both consented and intended to marry, went through the full legal form of marriage in Jamaica, retained documentary proof of same, and returned to the US and held yourselves out as a married couple ever since, then it is (highly) likely that your marriage is presumptively valid and would withstand an attack. You need competent family law advice in your own jurisdiction to be sure.

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Ew - I could never remain 'in-love' with someone who constantly cheats.

 

Your marriage is valid in US if it was valid in Jamaica.

 

The kids know what is going on and the damage has already been done. File those papers, there's nothing else left to do.

 

And about meeting someone else, at your age, there'll be tons of women out of marriages themselves, looking for a man just like you.

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There is no requirement that foreign marriages be "registered" in the US to be valid. Whether your presumed marriage is valid rests on specific facts and laws in both Jamaica and the US. If you both consented and intended to marry, went through the full legal form of marriage in Jamaica, retained documentary proof of same, and returned to the US and held yourselves out as a married couple ever since, then it is (highly) likely that your marriage is presumptively valid and would withstand an attack. You need competent family law advice in your own jurisdiction to be sure.

 

 

retained documentary proof of same :: we have no documentation

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There's a lesson to be learned here:

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Even if it takes 10 years for another strike.

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1. Get tested for STD's

2. Make sure the OM's wife knows.

3. Serve her with divorce papers.

 

Why would you ever be willing to be plan B for her? She has disrespected you and your marriage in the worst possible way and continues to do it. She considers you a fool and so pathetic that you are willing to be with her anyway.

If you stay with her then you are a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Your children know all about it and what message does that send them in that there are no consequences to your wife for humiliating you in front of them. Enough is enough! If the roles were reversed she would not put up with it so why are you?

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My guess is she never got counselling the last time, if you don't fix what is broken guess what you can expect more of? Have you exposed the affair to the other betrayed spouse? If not do so now, important step. Do not wait around to see if their relationship lasts, makes you look weak and weak isn't attractive. You need to explain to her that she is free to pursue the OM, just not as your wife.

 

You need to protect your children and yourself. Change your banking, remove her from any of your credit cards, make the affair a bad place to be. Filing for divorce doesn't necessarily mean that you are going to divorce. She has until the final decree to stop the process and if she doesn't it's better you know now than waiting around as her fall back position.

 

Your children are old enough to decide who they want to live with so custody may not be an issue. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. Start by reading up on the 180 and make that your new way of life. You need to detach and move yourself out of infidelity, with or without her. Do not act out of fear of loosing a beautiful wife, she's already gone, act on love for your children and building a better home for them.

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Man this **** hurts. I feel betrayed and now feel like I have to find another girl at least as pretty and smart as she is. But the thing is im getting older and its not so easy to get on with a new life at my age.

 

 

You're a year younger than I am.

 

 

You've got getting on for 20 years of career ahead of you.

 

 

You have the benefit, if starting out again with a new woman, of a greater maturity and wisdom that will help you choose more wisely than first time. And forget the "pretty", find a good woman, not an ornament.

 

 

And I get more interest from women now, as a 48 year old married man, then I ever did at 20 and single.

 

 

Don't waste the rest of your life - you've still got half of it to go.

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You're in love with the person you THOUGHT your wife COULD be.

 

I doubt your in love with who she really is. She lies, she cheats and she ruins two families at the least.

 

I don't doubt that divorcing her is best - she's not the woman you thought you knew.

 

And why would you need to stay in love with this complete stranger?

 

I'd protect yourself now. Move money. Have her move out...change the locks and file for divorce.

 

Time to quit wasting your life on a woman who isn't invested in your best interest.

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I agree that you should expose.

 

Expose to the OM's family and to hers. Is this someone she works with?

 

It takes two working to make a marriage work.

 

She is not working at all and is not remorseful. Does she use protection and does she have stds?

 

You need an attorney now to protect your kids and yourself. Let her leave and go live with the OM. She should not be home anymore.

 

File for D. You had the problem in the past, you have her cheating now and she will in the future. Get her to be someone else's problem, hopefully the OM.

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bubbaganoosh

I can't believe that you worried about finding a woman as pretty woman as your wife when this is over.

 

Look what happened with this pretty woman. She turned out to be a dud. Maybe you should look for a woman with better qualities instead of a better ass.

 

But before anything, you should find a lawyer and see how you can unload your current wife and then think about whats more important. A woman who respects you and the marriage or another one with a nice ass.

 

You should realize by now that fat lot of good beauty and a good body does when it's attached to a person with real bad credentials.

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10thengineerharrison

Do you think her relationship will last or should I just pull the plug. Problem is I'm in love with my wife and my heart is breaking.

 

Trust me, this "in love" feeling will soon pass, helped along by your wife's selfish behavior.

 

Learn 2 believe in and respect yourself. You and your kids will be glad when you do.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

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HereNorThere

You can stay or leave, but unfortunately both are going to be pretty painful. The great news if you do leave, the pain will eventually stop. I'm all for reconciliation for couples where one person makes a mistake and is regretful. In your case, you have all the proof in the world that if you do stay with her, you'll have to accept that she has a boyfriend as well.

 

Go get yourself tested and then go buy a big box of condoms because we all know you are in love with her and going to sleep with her anyway. The condoms will reduce your std transmission rate and at the same time, will send a clear message to her about where your trust in her is.

 

Good luck and really do hope you find peace one day. Sometimes you have to run towards the pain to get it over with.

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If you stay with her then you are a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

Your children know all about it and what message does that send them in that there are no consequences to your wife for humiliating you in front of them. Enough is enough! If the roles were reversed she would not put up with it so why are you?

 

 

I hear you and understand you. I also know your right I'm just in a bad place now because she is seeing him and I and the kid are the third wheel. It sucks and its impacting my ability to work. She also says she will not leave the house or sign any divorce papers until she gets a job. Am I stuck with her living here and her rubbing this in my face or can I do something.

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HereNorThere
I hear you and understand you. I also know your right I'm just in a bad place now because she is seeing him and I and the kid are the third wheel. It sucks and its impacting my ability to work. She also says she will not leave the house or sign any divorce papers until she gets a job. Am I stuck with her living here and her rubbing this in my face or can I do something.

 

Just because she won't sign papers, doesn't mean you can't move out and get the papers issued. I'd say papers mean very little in this situation actually. If you live in an alimony state, her having a job will also ease the alimony you have to pay. Also, you need to see a doctor, man. Seriously, go get some anxiety medicine and or sleeping medication and get yourself leveled out. I've been there myself and I regret every single minute of it. Don't let her take everything you have because she's already robbed you of too much.

 

Just worried about you because it seems like you're living in one big panic attack. Sometimes you need a little medicine to get you to baseline again.

 

Call the doctor NOW because sometimes it takes a while to get in. I would suggest a psychiatrist and psychologist, or psychiatrist that does talk therapy as well. Typically, you see a psychologist on a weekly basis for the first couple of until you're healthy enough to scale it back. The psychiatrist usually sees you for medication and check-ups although some do talk therapy as well.

 

It just sucks because you love her and you know she has the potential to be a good person, but she isn't living up to it. I'm in a similar situation and sometimes I just have to ride out the big waves of pain, focus my thoughts elsewhere and remind myself that I'm NEVER going to let someone take my happiness and security away from me, at least not permanently.

 

As my therapist once told me, "I know it seems like you'll never have that type of chemistry with another person again, but you will, I promise" and he was right. My head was just so far into anxiety land that I wasn't thinking clearly.

 

From a work/employee stand point, you almost HAVE to go to the doctor. Dude, you can't lose your job over this and right now your nervous system is so overloaded, it's killing your focus and making you OBSESS.

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Please make sure that this pos's wife knows what he has been doing.

That's the best way to end this affair.

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