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My wife cheated, we are back together. But how can we move on from the past?


StrongHusband

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StrongHusband

Hi. I am a 32 year old male married for 5 years to my beautiful 35-year-old wife. We have an adorable three year old daughter. To cut the story short, I found out that my wife has cheated on me for 2 years with her office mate. That was around year-3 to year-5 of our marriage.

 

The day that I found out about it, their 2-year affair was over for three months already. I found sign of her affair such as: I had been diagnosed with UTI/NSU, our frequency of making love has been reduced to once a week from almost everyday, and signs of her lack of intimacy with me. But I all ignored those signed because I trust her, and I knew she would never do that to me. But I was wrong.

 

My wife ended it because she wanted to fix what she has done and to go back to me.

 

That day was the most horrible day of my life. I went away from our apartment and I stayed with my parents' house leaving her to take care of all expenses of our apartment which we shared before.

 

During this time, the time we are apart, I realized that I can forgive her and accept her mistake. So, we talked. I told her that I was still willing to give it one more try. But only one more. She told me the same thing. So after a couple of days, we were together again.

 

But now, the memory of what she has done is haunting me. The times she had with the OM.. emotionally and physically... I can still feel the pain. Although we talk about these things whenever they are haunting us, it still seem like it comes back everyday. It is difficult. I know we have to get over this soon.

 

We still love each other, I know I can feel it from her and I also make her feel that I love her. We are both working on this improved, more mature relationship that we have.

 

But the pain when I remember what happened.... what can I do about it? I feel that everything is okay except for these memories of her past. It is driving me crazy every single effin day. It also makes her so guilty about what she has done.

 

I know that we need time for the pain (for me) and guilt (for her) to both heal. But anyone in this forum who can help to ease out the pain even for a little? It will help a lot. Thanks.

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Hi,

That was extremely sad. Because you mentioned you had less frequent sex I assume that her cheating was not just some love SMS exchange or something like that and she actually had sex with him for 2 years. That's big, really really big! First of all if it would happen to me I never could do what you did. I also believe that everyone deserves a second chance but what i really think is that it can't be counted as a second chance for your wife. she betrayed you not once that deserves a second chance but for 2 years and for so many times. If you are doing this for sake of your child I doubt you are doing your daughter a favor, because if she grows up in a family that heaven forbids this things happen again and again, be sure that it also shapes(/ruin?) her future. Even she may see/hear some scenes that you will never be aware of. So I assume you do this because you are deeply and madly love your wife. Then even if you want to give her a last hundredth(or maybe more ?) chance I think you should ask her to prove to you that she is really sorry and make you sure that this will never happen again. How? Well, ask her to do a big thing for you to prove she is sincerely sorry. for example ask her to quit her job or a very big thing like that, then I think you will now how sorry she is.

Hope your wounds heal soon!

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StrongHusband
Hi,

That was extremely sad. Because you mentioned you had less frequent sex I assume that her cheating was not just some love SMS exchange or something like that and she actually had sex with him for 2 years. That's big, really really big! First of all if it would happen to me I never could do what you did. I also believe that everyone deserves a second chance but what i really think is that it can't be counted as a second chance for your wife. she betrayed you not once that deserves a second chance but for 2 years and for so many times. If you are doing this for sake of your child I doubt you are doing your daughter a favor, because if she grows up in a family that heaven forbids this things happen again and again, be sure that it also shapes(/ruin?) her future. Even she me sees/hears some scenes that you will never be aware of. So I assume you do this because you are deeply and madly love your wife. Then even if you want to give her a last hundredth(or maybe more ?) chance I think you should ask her to prove to you that she is really sorry and make you sure that this will never happen again. How? Well, ask her to do a big thing for you to prove she is sincerely sorry. for example ask her to quit her job or a very big thing like that, then I think you will now how sorry she is.

Hope your wounds heal soon!

 

Well, you are correct. This two year affair of hers involves her having sex with the OM. And yes, for two effin years!!! Imagine the pain I am dealing with right now. Me imagining they are doing that for two effing years!!! The horror!!! I even mentioned in my post I was diagnosed with NSU and I am loyal since day one.

 

About her doing a big thing for me, she already did. And she continues to do little things everyday to regain my trust and to prove her worth for my love, because I still love her.

 

About quitting her job, I do not think that is an option for us. She will be promoted soon and the timing will waste this rare opportunity. Maybe after the promotion we can consider it, but it is not a big deal for me.

 

You see when I found it out, I saw a text conversation with her best friend. She is telling her best friend about the affair and how she ended it and cut all communications with the OM.

 

Or she could still be communicating with her OM, but if that is the case and I found it out, then it would be easier for me and let her go instead of staying in this marriage. Also the chance of this from happening is slim. Now that I witnessed how my wife regrets what she has done.

 

But, I want to stay. Not just because of our daughter, but because I still love her. It is the everyday pain of those haunting memories from her past is what's bothering me. I want the pain to subside even for a little.

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Grumpybutfun

Are you two in MC? Does she really understand the gravity of the situation, and why she did what she did? Do you? Once trust is broken over and over, it is almost impossible to fix. You don't have to forgive and forget just to make her feel better. You don't have to feel a certain way just because you want to fix this and move on. She didn't just cheat on you, she did it over and over again for two years so she has no idea of the harm she has caused. You won't just get over it and rug sweeping is harmful because it minimizes your pain. Get into professional counseling because you two can't navigate all the plethora of emotions and pain she has caused by her selfishness and stupidity. You may think you can rectify this, but most cheaters and Betrayed spouses will tell you that it can take five or ten years to even start to feel normal again. Personally I don't see how you can trust someone who betrayed you for two years and was so duplicitous and such a good liar and faker that you never noticed anything was off. She must be a sociopath. Get therapy for you too,something to help you go figure out what it means to be a betrayed spouse and to give you some perspective about this. You say you love her, but I'm not so sure she loves you if she could do something to his harmful to you for soooo long of a time period. From someone in a healthy, happy twenty year marriage, none of this sounds like love. More like hysterical bonding.

Good luck,

Grumps

Edited by Grumpybutfun
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StrongHusband
Are you two in MC? Does she really understand the gravity of the situation, and why she did what she did? Do you? Once trust is broken over and over, it is almost impossible to fix. You don't have to forgive and forget just to make her feel better. You don't have to feel a certain way just because you want to fix this and move on. She didn't just cheat on you, she did it over and over again for two years so she has no idea of the harm she has caused. You won't just get over it and rug sweeping is harmful because it minimizes your pain. Get into professional counseling because you two can't navigate all the plethora of emotions and pain she has caused by her selfishness and stupidity. You may think you can rectify this, but most cheaters and Betrayed spouses will tell you that it can take five or ten years to even start to feel normal again. Personally I don't see how you can trust someone who betrayed you for two years and was so duplicitous and such a good liar and faker that you never noticed anything was off. She must be a sociopath. Get therapy for you too,something to help you go figure out what it means to be a betrayed spouse and to give you some perspective about this. You say you love her, but I'm not so sure she loves you if she could do something to his harmful to you for soooo long of a time period. From someone in a healthy, happy twenty year marriage, none of this sounds like love.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

I understand where you are coming from. I know the gravity of what she has done. It was 2 effin years and I am feeling it right here, right now complete with my 5 senses. Not to mention the haunting memories I have of her with the OM. What she has done is one of the most painful, selfish, stupid things you can do to your spouse which can lead to the ultimate ending of all marriages which is the end of the marriage.

 

She is well aware of this... it took her two years to realize this. And I want to defend her from this because I can see her efforts of proving her worth for us. Everyday, she does something special for me. She made this her penance as which I can feel and see she is doing.

 

And I assure you, if ever she does it again... it is over for her and me. But as of now, majority should be effort on her side to fix this. And I can see her effort.

 

What I need now are ideas on how I can handle the pain of the past. The pain of what she has done for 2 years. Does anyone in this forum have an idea on how I can reduce the pain?

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Grumpybutfun

 

What I need now are ideas on how I can handle the pain of the past. The pain of what she has done for 2 years. Does anyone in this forum have an idea on how I can reduce the pain?

 

Reduce the pain? No, by it's very nature, infidelity is compromised by so many variables that reduction of pain is impossible. The fluctuation of what you will feel, the pain and shame and confusion will play itself out over a long course of time IMHO.

 

I truly feel for you man. This isn't something I would wish for anyone. I know you are hopeful and you want to work it out, so please get marriage counseling and counseling for yourself. Like I said, this isn't a self help situation if you are going to try to repair your union. One thing I can say is that it might be best to start the courtship over again as you are in counseling and start making new symbolic gestures of re entering love, marriage and fidelity. Renew your vows after you have some closure and make sure she doesn't work with the AP anymore. You can't trust her with him anymore.

 

The only way you could minimize the pain is to compartmentalize and dissociate from her and that would be disastrous while you are trying to reconcile. Feeling each emotion and anger is normal.

 

Did she say why she cheated? Plenty of people have lack of sex due to health issues and they don't cheat so hopefully she gave you more than just that stock answer.

Best,

Grumps

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revelations

Sorry you are going through this StrongHusband.

 

The truth is that the pain you are feeling is real. What your WW (wayward wife) has done to you is emotional abuse. By cheating she is destroyed the innocents of your marriage and has rejected you and the marriage. Their are many things that you may be feeling and I have posted a list here if you wish to take a look.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/475966-ww-s-some-damage-you-have-caused-rant

I will be honest with you, these feelings will not go away overnight. One thing that often happens is we end up with PTSD after such an event. I know that PTSD get's a bad rap, however it is actually your mind trying to protect you from more harm. One thing that you are probably experiencing right now are triggers. A trigger is something that causes your mind to think about the terrible event that has happened. Often times when we remember the event (such as cheating) again, the emotions are amplified. So it can be actually more painful to remember your wife cheating on you than when you first learned about it. Now triggers can be almost anything, from the weather, song, scene in a movie, however most often it is the WW that cheated on you is a big trigger.

 

Okay first off stop blaming yourself, what you have done or did not do. Her affair is NOT your fault at all. Now is also the time to trust your gut. I know that often times after learning about the WW's affair we tend not to trust our own judgement, after all it seems like it got us here. However this is the time you need to trust yourself. After all you placed trust in her because of false information that was given to you. This is not your fault nor is it because you have poor judgement. You were mislead by someone who was suppose to love and respect you. After all you cannot take proper action if your only being given false information.

 

If you are staying in the marriage then you may want to discuss a few things with your WW. What I write may be incomplete, however others on here will fill in the things needed by a BS (Betrayed Spouse) that I have missed.

 

1. No contact with AP (Affair Partner)

Usually this is done in the form of an email or letter. However the WS (Wayward Spouse) usually has the BS read the letter then sends it. After that all contact with AP is cut off. If AP tries to contact WS, the WS notifies the BS immediately.

 

2. The WS becomes an open book, no secrets.

Anything such as email, social media, cell phones, everything is open for the BS to inspect at anytime and the BS has all passwords. The WS has proven that they cannot be trusted at their word. Most will say that all social media accounts be deleted. If this is what it takes for you to feel safe then that is a part of the conditions to remain with the WS.

 

3. WS is tested for any and all STD's by a doctor and the BS has the right to view the test results.

After all the BS did not cheat, so why should they be the ones to go through the humiliation of being tested first. Any refusal to be tested by the WS should be taken as another deal breaker. No sex should happen until such tests have been done and verified that the WS is free of STD's.

 

4. No more friends of the opposite sex.

Once again the WS has proven that they cannot be trusted to have friendships of the opposite sex.

 

5. No more girls/boys night out.

Again the WS has proven that they cannot be trusted.

 

6. The BS has the right to know who the AP is.

By keeping this information from the BS it is once again keeping the affair as a treasured memory. It shows total disrespect for the BS.

 

7. The BS has a right to know all the details of the affair including ever aspect of the sexual encounters. The amount of information that is needed to be known is controlled by the BS.

No secrets means just that, NO SECRETS. The BS should be given any and all information that they need to heal.

 

8. The BS is allowed as much time they need to heal and how they need to heal. Screaming, yelling, shouting, crying are all okay to do. The WS does not dictate when the BS is to just get over it.

Some people do not like this one. However the BS needs to heal and should be allowed to vent. A BS screaming about being cheated on is not abuse. The WS cheating on the BS is abuse. Learn the difference.

 

9. MC (Marriage Counseling) or IC (Individual Counseling) should be setup by the WS and approved by the BS.

This is usually needed to recover. However I often say that the WS should be responsible for paying for these services.

 

I may have forgotten a few things so please do not hold that against me. Hopefully others will fill in the blanks I have missed. Truthfully I am not one to encourage someone to return to a WS. That is because I find the phrase "trust but verify" to be a kind of oxymoron. I also feel that if I have to spend time going through phone logs, emails and checking up on were someone is that I deserved to be paid for that. After all my time is worth money and to me a cheating spouse is stealing my time every time I have to check up on them.

 

However right now you do want to try and save the marriage. Their is nothing wrong with that and their are people that can do it. Truthfully I can understand why you want to try and remain married. You have a kid and I can tell you that by getting divorced you my very well loose access to your child. However do not let that fact allow her to walk all over you. Ask her for things to make you feel safe. One thing I always bring up is a post-nup agreement. Basically an agreement that is notarized and if possible filed that states that she is not to get any alimony or your retirement should either of you leave the marriage or whatever you think is reasonable.

 

Now if I was in your shoes I would not stop at this post-nup. Yes I can understand being their for the kid, so staying married right now is probably in your best interest and the kid. From what you posted your kid has only 15 more years until she is an adult. Seems like a long time, however use that to your advantage. Start buying some silver or gold, only small pieces under $500 a pop. Hid this someplace were your WW will not find it. If you can open up a savings account in a different country such as the cayman islands. The main point is to stash away small amounts of cash over the years, much like you do for retirement. This is your get out of WW jail free card. Once your child becomes an adult then you options to leave are a lot more open should you choose to do so. In 15yrs time you could have a nice little nest egg built up. You may decide to leave your WW at this time and because you have saved, guess what you can do so. Without warning you will be able to just pick up and leave. If you actually file, you have a savings that is unknown to anyone else that you can live on. However you can also just leave and start a new life in a new country.

 

Now remember this is just preparing so that you can leave if you choose to do so. It is okay to keep your options open at this time. Do not even be fooled into thinking the family courts will protect you. This is why I say to hide the money in a shoebox and bury it if you have to. Think of the piece of mind you will have buy stashing away a few bucks here and their if you decide to leave her. Now at the end of that 15yrs you still want to be with your WW, hey you can still use the money on other things. All I am saying is to set yourself up so that you can leave if you want to at a later date. Too often I hear about men that get cheated on, only to find out that they loose everything. They have to give her the house, the car, the retirement funds, alimony, child support, insurance. Sometimes that alimony is lifetime, oh and sometimes the man has to make the house payments on the WW's home that she won and even pay her lawyers fees. Not sure where you are at in the world, so you may want to check out what the laws are in your area. It is just were I live at you are screwed going into a family court if you are male. So if you can stay with your WW and work things out great, just protect yourself.

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StrongHusband
The best way for you to handle the pain of your wife cheating is to leave her and find yourself a loyal woman who doesn't cheat. I divorced my cheating wife, found a great girl, and I couldn't be happier. As long as you stay married to her and look at her each day you will remember what she did. You choose.

 

Sorry to disappoint you, but I choose to stay with her. I know the pain will haunt me each day, but I still believe that one day we can get through this. I still believe in our marriage, even for this one last time. I believe that no matter how grave what she has done, it is still worth another try. But only one try. But I tell you if she does it again, then it will be over.

 

It is almost two months since I found out about her affair. And we are doing good so far. Also, she is doing good so far. She continues to remind me that she has changed for the better and keeps on doing small special things on a daily basis. There are times when I was the one giving up, but she lets me know she will always be there no matter what my decision is. I give credit to her, because she is doing good so far of making things okay again.

 

I chose to stay because I can still see we can still make it. The signs are there. She is remorseful about what she has done and regrets it every single day. On my part, I am still willing to give it one last chance. And I believe all of these will be worth all these pain and guilt we are both suffering this time.

 

I am just looking for ways to ease the suffering, if any of the people in this forums have any idea.

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StrongHusband
Did she say why she cheated? Plenty of people have lack of sex due to health issues and they don't cheat so hopefully she gave you more than just that stock answer.

Best,

Grumps

 

Thanks Grumpy. About your question, yes she gave details of why her infidelity happened. We talk about this everyday since the day I found out. She never held any information to me as her stories do add up. And some details I verify myself and it checks out fine.

 

She gave me the reason why she cheated during those years. But she realizes now that the reason is stupid and selfish. Now during these times, I just let her talk because I can feel her remorse, guilt, and regret. She says she is truly sorry about this and as I mentioned earlier, she does something special everyday just to prove her worth to me because she was the one who did the mistake.

 

That for me is enough to give it one last try. And trust me when I say that if I do not see that it is enough, I won't give it another try. But with all of the signs and effort she is showing me, looks like she really is sorry and will do whatever it takes for me to forgive her.

 

But yeah, the pain is real. I still feel it everyday even when she shows efforts of proving her worth. But I guess no one here can help me with the pain. I guess I just have to accept that only time can heal this wound.

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revelations
Sorry to disappoint you, but I choose to stay with her. I know the pain will haunt me each day, but I still believe that one day we can get through this. I still believe in our marriage, even for this one last time. I believe that no matter how grave what she has done, it is still worth another try. But only one try. But I tell you if she does it again, then it will be over.

 

It is almost two months since I found out about her affair. And we are doing good so far. Also, she is doing good so far. She continues to remind me that she has changed for the better and keeps on doing small special things on a daily basis. There are times when I was the one giving up, but she lets me know she will always be there no matter what my decision is. I give credit to her, because she is doing good so far of making things okay again.

 

I chose to stay because I can still see we can still make it. The signs are there. She is remorseful about what she has done and regrets it every single day. On my part, I am still willing to give it one last chance. And I believe all of these will be worth all these pain and guilt we are both suffering this time.

 

I am just looking for ways to ease the suffering, if any of the people in this forums have any idea.

 

 

I wish their was something I could tell you that would ease your suffering. Truthfully the only thing that did that for me was leaving my xWW. Things like revenge affairs do not work. If your anything like me you would not believe that her pain is real anyway. I know myself I felt that my xWW got to go out and have fun and I got stuck with the check and being water boarded. Probably right now would be best to get into IC for yourself. If your WW is trying to make it up to you like you have been stating, then I would ask her to pay the bill on it. Another thing/s you can do is stuff for yourself. Things that make you feel better about you. Maybe working out or taking a martial arts class. Learn a new language or skill that you have always wanted to learn. Take up a new hobby or interest. However do something that is completely selfish and does not include your WW at all. Remember to take time for yourself whenever you need it.

 

I recently put down a deposit on a conversion van that I will customize a bit more for my fishing and camping trips. This is something I would have never been able to do if my xWW was still around. So for me this one little action has put me a step closer into the lifestyle I want to live. So at this point in time, you should probably do things for yourself. Start living at least part of your life without the WW around. Even just taking off for the evening to hang out with some friends can be very healing.

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StrongHusband
How do you know if she didn't come back because she was dumped?

 

I know this because I found out about the affair because of her text conversation with her best friend. Their conversation says that she wanted to end the affair with the OM, but she is having difficulty ending it because the OM keeps on insisting he loves my wife and cries over her. And finally when she confessed to her best friend that she already ended the affair with the OM and just ignored the OM completely.

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StrongHusband
If your WW is trying to make it up to you like you have been stating, then I would ask her to pay the bill on it.

 

Actually this is a good idea, and I have done something similar. I asked her to pay for one of our dates every week to different places. And she agrees.

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The pain comes with the taking her back part, the only way to get over it is to go through it, there is no easy way. The other thing that may be causing you pain is the fact that you discovered the affair, she didn't tell you on her own, she would still be deceiving you had you not caught her. Others that knew about her affair and kept it from you are not friends of the marriage, it's up to you if you keep them as friends. Two years is a long time to be another man's plaything, almost half your marriage. She put you at risk, it is very unlikely they used protection, hope you have both been tested if not make her get tested for all STD's as they usually don't test for herpes unless you ask them to. The humiliation of the testing is a future deterrent and brings the reality of what they did home.

 

One of the things you may want to consider if you decide on reconciliation is having a post nuptial agreement done that gives you most of the marital assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity, may make you feel a little safer around her. My situation was similar to yours, we were together 4 years and for two of those years she was banging some dude behind my back. I couldn't stay with her, we tried for several months but when I found out my son wasn't mine but other man's that was it. Do not stay in the marriage if you do so because of your child, stay for the right reasons. Some of us think that infidelity is a deal breaker.

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StrongHusband
How do you know your child is yours? Do a DNA test

 

This is because our daughter was conceived and born before her affair. Her affair started when our daughter was 1+ years old

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StrongHusband
I couldn't stay with her, we tried for several months but when I found out my son wasn't mine but other man's that was it. Do not stay in the marriage if you do so because of your child, stay for the right reasons. Some of us think that infidelity is a deal breaker.

 

It's sad that your experience did not turn out well. I agree that infidelity is a deal breaker. But I am willing to give it one more chance. But this is the first and last chance that I can give. No more.

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Actually this is a good idea, and I have done something similar. I asked her to pay for one of our dates every week to different places. And she agrees.

 

This is a good start, however the post-nup and her paying for your healing should be mandatory in my book. Remember that her main job right now should be to not only help you heal, also to make you feel safe. You should be able to get up and walk out on the marriage at anytime without worry that you would destroy yourself financially. I hate to see anyone go through this crap, however I despise it when a man get's cheated on then looses everything.

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Smilecharmer

I could forgive a mistake, maybe a One time thing but not serial cheating. Two years is half your marriage. I think you are having issues because you know that you can never trust her again no matter how much you want to. Also, I think you need STD tests and a paternity test because if she did cheat for two years, she might have cheated with him or someone else before that and not told her friend.

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This is because our daughter was conceived and born before her affair. Her affair started when our daughter was 1+ years old

 

You can't be sure. It's possible she was seeing someone else.

 

If she cheated this time - she's capable of cheating before this too.

 

You'd be better off checking. We know she's capable of lying.

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at two months out, all i can really say is give it time. they say it takes between 2-5 years to get over something as traumatic as this(infidelity).

 

personally, i don't think you truly get over it. you just learn to cope in the best way you can.

 

 

how did you deal with her affair? i mean, were there any consequences? i ask this because it seems like you're pretty much rugsweeping the thing. sounds like you jumped right into reconciliation mode without really dealing with it.

 

if thoughts of her being with this OM are driving you mad, how can her working alongside this guy not bother you?

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Did she give a reason for the affair? Although this isn't true in all cases women usually have affairs because they are unhappy. If the reasons for the affair are unresolved then the original problem has not gone away.

 

If you made the decision to stay with her then do it. Marriage counselling may also help. It is worth noting that people who have affairs don't understand how badly their spouse takes it and how much damage it does. She probably doesn't appreciate just how badly you feel.

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I hate the "unhappy" line. It's a cop-out.

 

OP, you're not providing many details so it's hard to assist.

 

PS - She needs to leave the job, transfer or you will go insane. The A could recommence, you have no idea. What's more important, your marriage or the current income? Divorce is more expensive than leaving a job and finding another.

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I could forgive a mistake, maybe a One time thing but not serial cheating. Two years is half your marriage. I think you are having issues because you know that you can never trust her again no matter how much you want to. Also, I think you need STD tests and a paternity test because if she did cheat for two years, she might have cheated with him or someone else before that and not told her friend.

 

I have to agree with the above because you can't believe a thing she says right now or at least you shouldn't imo.

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