Ending with OW and it is so hard.

[jackslife]

I finally ended the relationship with my OW. My earlier thread gives the details, but after much prevaricating I finally finished it. She is very upset but I couldn't use her to end my marriage. I decided to seek counselling and work on my marriage.

I decided to look at my marriage and see if I could make it work without the constant reminder of the A or OW. Then if my marriage works or fails it will be for the 'right' reasons. I think I'm doing the right thing after behaving badly but it is so hard and painful.

It's only been a day of NC and I'm thinking of the OW and what I am missing, the life we could have had together, the great sex – all the fantasy’s and clichés and am feeling jealous already.

After an intense two year affair I'm not even sure I still even love my wife. But does the fear of breaking up your family, moving out of the family home you've built for years, fear of future loneliness, financial instability, justify staying in a comfortable but loveless marriage? (My wife loves me, but we haven't had sex in 3 years + and now I'm not sure I still would) Can a marriage be rebuilt after all this?

I think and am trying to do the right thing, but is it?

[purplesorrow]

I finally ended the relationship with my OW. My earlier thread gives the details, but after much prevaricating I finally finished it. She is very upset but I couldn't use her to end my marriage. I decided to seek counselling and work on my marriage.

I decided to look at my marriage and see if I could make it work without the constant reminder of the A or OW. Then if my marriage works or fails it will be for the 'right' reasons. I think I'm doing the right thing after behaving badly but it is so hard and painful.

It's only been a day of NC and I'm thinking of the OW and what I am missing, the life we could have had together, the great sex – all the fantasy’s and clichés and am feeling jealous already.

After an intense two year affair I'm not even sure I still even love my wife. But does the fear of breaking up your family, moving out of the family home you've built for years, fear of future loneliness, financial instability, justify staying in a comfortable but loveless marriage? (My wife loves me, but we haven't had sex in 3 years + and now I'm not sure I still would) Can a marriage be rebuilt after hall this?

I think and am trying to do the right thing, but is it?

Does your wife know how you really feel about her? You said she loves you, shouldn't she get the same from her spouse? Life is too short. If you can't or won't love her as she should be, free her to find someone who will.

[Trustnoone]

Jackslife

 

I'm guessing that since you say your wife loves you that she knows nothing of your two year affair. Why don't you tell her? Start with honesty if you want to repair your marriage. One day of no contact? Of course you don't love your wife you still the OW. Stay no contact and give your wife a chance to engage the war she has no idea she is even in. Who knows your wife might not want to be at war and bounce you to the curb. This may make your choice a little easier. I'm a BS attempting to reconcile. I'm six months from d-day. To be in my shoes would equal pain and anger. I don't know how your shoes feel. Good luck to you.

[LovemySons]

Does your wife know about your affair? I think you made the right decision here. Work on your marriage. Go to marriage counseling. Work through the issues that led to these problems to begin with. Don't give up! You promised to love you wife "til death to you part," so honor that commitment. Good luck.

[shermanator]

I'm sure it's hard... you're doing the 'right' thing, though, I think. I'm about two weeks of NC (a 6+ month EA, with about six weeks of a PA) and it's brutal.

 

In another thread, I'm getting crushed for not telling my W about the A.

 

It's up to you to disclose or not... if you're doing it just to confess, I don't think it's the right thing to do. My W still loves me very much and I don't see why, if we can work thru this without me telling her, it's going to help things if she knows... I know that's self-preservation by me, but I've had two IC's tell me the same thing.

 

I spent part of the day reading the 5 love languages book and it's opened my eyes to some things.

 

Stay strong... if you're going to make it work, you've got to avoid contact.

 

I miss my OW so much though. It's crazy.

[tornapart2002]

That's a really good book. I'm reading it too.

 

I think you need to read After the Affair too to understand more about why you should or shouldn't tell. NOt to hijack the thread but that book has some info on why to tell or not to tell.

 

Sorry, but I'm in the boat of to tell. No woman should have to live a lie and not knowing the things her husband has done while they are married is a lie.

 

Sorry...you got it here too. lol. Backing away.

 

Anyhow, After the Affair would be good for the OP to read too...gives support for both sides. You can flip throgh it if you want..I never read a book straight through anymore. Guess I've gotten old. Good luck (to both the OP and the poor guy I just "yelled" at. ;-)

 

I'm sure it's hard... you're doing the 'right' thing, though, I think. I'm about two weeks of NC (a 6+ month EA, with about six weeks of a PA) and it's brutal.

 

In another thread, I'm getting crushed for not telling my W about the A.

 

It's up to you to disclose or not... if you're doing it just to confess, I don't think it's the right thing to do. My W still loves me very much and I don't see why, if we can work thru this without me telling her, it's going to help things if she knows... I know that's self-preservation by me, but I've had two IC's tell me the same thing.

 

I spent part of the day reading the 5 love languages book and it's opened my eyes to some things.

 

Stay strong... if you're going to make it work, you've got to avoid contact.

 

I miss my OW so much though. It's crazy.

[daretotrustlove]

I know I will probably get slammed for this, if so, fine. But coming from the BS side and the OW side, these are things I'm thinking that if I was in your shoes, I would be asking myself. I'm 6 mnths NC. Xmm ended our R, after making promises of a life together. I won't go into how much it still hurts.

 

Things that I would "hope" you would think about first. 2 yr A, that's a long time to live a double life. What was the reason for the A, lack of sex, attention, etc...???. How do you feel about the OW, how does she feel about you. What promises have you had or didn't have. How does not being with the OW make you feel. How does OW feel. What kind of life would you have.

 

How would you feel being without your wife, how would she feel being without you.

 

You say your wife loves you. Is she "in love with you", or is it the comfortable love that you have after so many years. If you tell your wife, than there is more hurt on her side. I'm not saying don't tell her, I'm just asking you to really look at what you truly want. No one wins in these situations. Everyone gets hurt.

 

Ask yourself what you really want, if you want to be with OW, then do it. Give your wife a chance to make her own life as she wants it to be. Bottom line, live your life, its the only one you get. Its the only life your wife gets. People grow and people change, a piece of paper should not condem anyone to live in heartache. Meaning if your not happy, your wife may not be happy, content, but not happy. I came from a BS, OW, so I'm not sticking up for the OW only, I'm asking you to live a authentic life, so others can do the same.

 

Just my opinion, take what you want and throw the rest away, take some time and be alone and figure it out, be honest with yourself and then be honest with your wife and OW. Doing the right thing is great if that's what you want to live with. Don't live your life for anyone else.

[dichotomy]

Wife loves you but no sex (none?) in three years? Can you explain this more?

[Appreciate]

No sex in three years? As in not a single instance of oral or intercourse, for either person?

[Appreciate]

Is your wife desired by other men? If you think about her having sex with other men, how does it make you feel?

[Appreciate]

Many people in affairs tell their AP's things they don't tell their partners. But they also lie to each other in ways they probably don't understand. Especially about their BS's.

[fellini]

I fail to sée how you can have a relationship built on lies. It's fake. Without honesty you cannot have true intimacy and thus you do not have a relationship beyond appearances

 

Every affair is a relationship built on lies. Time for people to stop thinking that we live in some incredible world where everyone lives a perfect life until--- shock --- god forbid --- an affair. And now we are living a world of lies!

 

This is just smoke and mirrors. Human beings have the capacity to lie to EVERYONE even themselves. Their children, their parents, their wives, their employers, their employees, their dogs, their fish, their best and their worst friends.

 

GET OVER IT!

 

What is clearly not right is pretending we are all 100% pure and clean and good and wonderful and honest and transparent, when we know we are not, just because we can hold a candle up to an infidelity and think we are better for not going that route.

 

Can you have a marriage if there are past secrets? Of course you can. If you don't believe it's going on around you all the time then you are living in la la land.

 

OP you can definitely read Shermantor's thread about not telling, and then you can also read a thread here called, "I confessed" and see how confessing is going for someone who "caved into" telling having been on LS.

 

It seems to me the real issue is that you do not have a strong marriage to fall back on. Tell your W about your A now and I assure you, whether or not you love your wife will be put so far back on the backburner that you won't emerge for months suffocating from the work you will have to do to repair your BS just because you "got it off your chest".

 

Im not convinced that staying in a marriage because of the fears you have is healthy either.

 

A marriage should exist not because you are afraid to leave, but because you are NOT AFRAID to leave and STAY anyways. That is the best place to be, and frankly it is not easy to get there. My spouses A was what brought me to that place, and that is about all the good I can see coming from her telling me. But I was the BS, not the WS, and you want to stay, but not for reasons that make sense to anyone who might have to live with you considering you only want to stay out of fear of the unknown.

Edited June 21, 2014 by fellini

[Realist3]

Jack,

 

Very rarely does a situation like yours end in a one and done ending. In longer term affairs with no d-day it will usually be multiple break ups and get backs before it really ends. MC will likely reaffirm how much you like OW. I would guess within 2 weeks you will be back into the affair.

[shermanator]

A marriage should exist not because you are afraid to leave, but because you are NOT AFRAID to leave and STAY anyways.

 

I've been told this over and over in IC...

 

OP, is staying together what you really want? Or are you staying together bc you are scared of leaving?

 

I'm trying to figure this out for myself, as well.

[fellini]

A marriage should exist not because you are afraid to leave, but because you are NOT AFRAID to leave and STAY anyways.

 

I've been told this over and over in IC...

 

OP, is staying together what you really want? Or are you staying together bc you are scared of leaving?

 

I'm trying to figure this out for myself, as well.

 

This is precisely why Emily Brown is not, as some would call her, "crap", she argues that what is preventing a couple from moving in the same direction is paralysis in their heads, not in the marriage.

 

Her solution is to try a form of "structured separation".

 

Google it, it is not separation, its a perfectly legitimate part of therapy for couples in a roadblock

 

I guarantee you will learn a lot if you can do it. Doing this moved me to understand that my WS and I were not in the same place in this very question.

[Appreciate]

Structured separations almost always result in the A continuing. It's extending limbo... don't do it.

[fellini]

Structured separations almost always result in the A continuing. It's extending limbo... don't do it.

 

Absolutely false. There is no reason in the world that you can make this claim. You are confusing "structured sparation" with "separation".

A structured separation does EXACTLY what it is supposed to do. This guy does NOT WANT to get back with his AP at this moment in time, but he doesn't know if he wants to be with his BS either. If he wanted to continue the A through a structured S, he wouldn't have chosen to go NC on his own. He knows not what he wants, and has proven he can trust himself to do a structured separation.

 

The only acceptable claim remotely close to what you say is when a partner, who is in (secretly or not) an A tells their BS "I think we should live apart for a while I need space"

 

This is code for I want unlimited access to my AP.

 

A structured separation is an agreement between two adults trying to find a way to break their impasse, it is not a code for cheat.

Edited June 22, 2014 by fellini

[jackslife]

Thank you for the responses. To fill in some of the gaps...

 

My wife and I's sexual relationship dwindled over a few years, until 3 or 4 years ago it stopped altogether. She is a couple of years older than me and (without being disrespectful) dried up down below. Even with creams etc she still found sex painful and I didn't want to force the issue. However, I didn't follow this up and if I'm honest I wonder how much I still wanted sex with my wife and this gave me an excuse to have the affair. I could then justify my acts to myself.

 

The OW was unhappily married and then booted out her husband. ("So she can then slide you in?" was my counsellors response).

 

The AP and I spoke on Friday. Whilst she was supportive of me discussing my marital problems with wife. She also said how much she missed me and that we should be together. She also said that if it went on to long she may have had enough and even if I did leave my wife, it would be too late for us.

 

AP pointed out that then leaving my wife would have been for nothing and I'd be alone a point that did not escape me.

 

I think about telling wife of affair but wonder if this is a way of forcing the issue. I've read Shermanators thread with interest and can relate to it very much. (But without the drinking issues, I'm British and by American standards were are all pretty much alchoholics) also a lady called Waverley who has confessed. (I wondered if her confession was due to the fact that by trying to stay with H she still hadn't resolved issues.)

 

The points made about staying in a marriage due to fear about leaving are valid ones. I'm 50 years old and financially life for divorcing husbands gets very tough. Am I opting to stay in through fear of being alone and avoidance of making a decision? therefore risk losing a chance of happiness with my AP who loves me dearly? I think that could be a LOT of truth in that.

[fellini]

 

The OW was unhappily married and then booted out her husband. ("So she can then slide you in?" was my counsellors response).

 

AP pointed out that then leaving my wife would have been for nothing and I'd be alone a point that did not escape me.

 

The points made about staying in a marriage due to fear about leaving are valid ones. I'm 50 years old and financially life for divorcing husbands gets very tough. Am I opting to stay in through fear of being alone and avoidance of making a decision? therefore risk losing a chance of happiness with my AP who loves me dearly? I think that could be a LOT of truth in that.

 

WOW, first of all, the "sliding you in remark is uncalled for. It was you and your IC in the room and s/he has no reason to use a personal judgement with respect to someone who isn't even his client.

 

How about this as a response to her kicking out her husband: She did the right thing because she doesn't need to be in an affair. That she kicked him out WITHOUT your promise for a future together is a fantastic show of personal strength on her part.

 

"Leaving your wife for nothing?" Leaving a spouse you do not want to be with is not for nothing. It shows character and good moral judgement.

 

Staying with a woman you have little more than a room mate respect for is cowardly and immoral, imho. Is it fear of being alone? You are 50? that's it?

You have this woman who obviously wants to try a future with you and all you can think about is that you might end up alone?

 

Go find your happiness before you have NONE and you dry up both down below and UP above! This is a chance for you! Your last? NO, not necessarily. No one can guarantee their future.

 

Look, no ill will intended: Next week your AP will find someone else and write you off and your S could be run over by a bus. You might end up being alone but not for any decision you make, but because we ARE ALL BORN ALONE AND WE WILL DIE ALONE in this world.

 

It's like the Buddha saying about people who are in stress:

You have a problem...

 

Can you do something about it?

Yes!

Then don't worry.

 

Can you do something about it?

No!

Then don't worry.

 

GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD (Mini Buddhist philosophy)

 

1. Challenge your beliefs about what you can and can’t do.

 

2. Challenge your ideas about how things should work. Sometimes when you decide how things should be you limit your ability to be effective in the world as it actually is.

 

3. Have a vision session. Write in a journal, create a video, sketch—anything that lets you explore what excites you most.

 

4. Look for opportunities in a tough situation. Avoid a victim mentality, and opt instead for a “ready for new beginnings” attitude.

 

5. Remove something from your life that doesn’t serve you to make room for something better and new. You never know what you might let in when you let something go.

 

6. Commit to something you always say you’ll do but always fail to start—and then take the first step right now.

 

7. Turn your focus from something don’t want to something you do want. This allows you to shift your energy from complaining to taking action.

 

8. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Positive energy creates positive results.

 

9. Identify the blocks that keep you from breaking a bad habit. Anytime you improve your habits, you pave the path for personal excellence.

 

10. Forgive someone if you’ve been holding a grudge. Removing that block will open you up where previously you’d shut down.

[daretotrustlove]

Jackslife,

 

Just wondering how your doing.?????

[tnimbus]

Hi Jack,

 

I've read through your thread and replies, and want you to know that you're not alone in missing your AP. That is very normal, and one day into NC is just the beginning of withdrawal. Yes, A's are very much like addictions...to a person and all the fantasies, etc. that we put onto them. You have to have some time for your withdrawal urges to lessen, and your mind and feelings to balance out. It's very hard, if not impossible to make good decisions when your senses and judgement are impaired. (The heroin addict in day 1 of detox is not a pretty sight, neither is he/she in day 15, asking him/her to make major life decisions during this would be very damaging.)

Breaking NC to speak with the OW will only confuse you further right now...and you have to think of you at this time, your marriage and what you truly want. I can't tell you what to do, wouldn't try, and I don't judge you, I've been in your spot, sort of. You're at a time and place in your life where you have some major decisions to make. These decisions can't depend on whether your AP will run off next week with another man, or whether your wife might. They have to be based on what is right for YOU in your heart and mind..and only you can know that...AFTER you have some time and space to clear your head and get some perspective. If the OW truly loves you she will respect your need for this...and not goad you into a hasty decision. Just a thought, and something I've seen time and again....most relationships that start out as an affair don't last. They don't have good firm honest ground under them...no matter the reasons. Not judging, just something I've read, and seen with my own eyes.

It is up to you, but coming clean with your wife is something to think about. If you both aren't happy anymore,(there's a good chance she isn't happy either, and also a good chance she knows something's amiss), then both your lives need to go on in directions that give chances for happiness. She's been your friend and partner for a long time now, she, and you, deserve the respect of a mutual decision about your marriage and future without different parties chiming in right now.

I hope that makes sense and wish you the best.

[Henrirose]

" Dried up down below" .

 

I wonder if your betrayed spouse would have chosen a lover had you become impotent.

 

Or maybe she already has. Ask her. It might solve all your problems.

[waterwoman]

" Dried up down below" .

 

I wonder if your betrayed spouse would have chosen a lover had you become impotent.

 

Or maybe she already has. Ask her. It might solve all your problems.

 

Ok. So she's been through the menopause, and you decide to dump her for someone else? Nice.

[jackslife]

I didn't mean to be disrespectful to my wife by that comment. I should have said that physically sex became difficult.

Some very good advice. I think the problem is that my life is comfortable. Lovely son, small mortgage, not wealthy but not poor either. Ticking along nicely. We are like a content old couple, but my head is always elsewhere. The reason I'm trying to challenge and change my behaviour is that if it ends with the OW and I settle for my old/current life I know I'll be back on IE or similar looking for an OW replacement. Something I've never questioned before but now coming on this site I have.

[Appreciate]

The OW sounds like a **** and your IC sounds smart.

 

I still think a structured separation is a bad idea if you are still in contact with OW. More than likely, you or she will reach out to one another at some point. Probably when you are horny.

 

How do you want your son to see you later in life?