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I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

As a former BS, I'd like to hear support and discussion from other BSs.

 

Thank you,

BH

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I'm not a BS myself, but I feel for you BS's. IMO being cheated on comes close to the horrible feeling of losing a child AND being "ripped off" major. The pain caused to the BS is hellish and to be honest with you I applaud all of you who have risen above from betrayal and come out as stronger, better people. You didn't deserve it guys. I hope out of all these horrible experiences that you have found someone who is better for you, or are at least happily single. My heart and soul empathizes for you all.

 

Vi auguro ogni bene!

Edited by GrandeH
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TheBladeRunner

I agree BH, it does suck. I didn't see it coming and all I knoe is that there are still aspects of my life that need to be repaired. I have risen above it about 95% of the time, but man is that occasional 5% tough sometimes. I didn't deserve to be betrayed nor did my daughter. Nobody deserves to be cheated on and I would even wish those feelings it has brought on the offending party.

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revelations

BetrayedH I have to agree with you that it does suck to be a BH. However I do not choose to remain a victim. Sure my xWW did some pretty cruel things to me and it hurt. However looking back on it I chose to ignore the warning signs. Likewise with other girlfriends I chose to also ignore warning signs. So today I am actually very careful about meeting up for a first date. Even then I do not usually go out on a third date with any woman. The reason is that most women I run into are very self-entitled and treat men as pawns. I have more respect and love for myself than to be dating a woman that treats me second best to the lovers in her past. If I want to be treated as a second class citizen then all I need to do is visit my sister and she will do this without the expense of a date, she will try and make me feel like crap for free.

 

I just try and treat myself right today. I no longer have to worry about if or when my xWW or girlfriend will cheat on me, I don't have either anymore. I do not have to listen to them tell me about the wild sex they had with other men that they do not want to do with me. I do not have to listen to their BS about how they chose me. If I am lonely I hang out with my friends. If I am horny I hook up with a ONS or visit an escort. If I am sad it is usually because I am thinking about times with an ex-girlfriend or xWW so I go do a hobby and forget about them.

 

I will no longer be some woman's choice. I may reconsider being in a relationship with a woman if she proves to me that she wants me. Now you may ask what is so wrong with being a woman's choice? Let me explain it to you this way. A woman wants a lamborghini however does not have the $250k that it costs. However she wins the lotto for $240k, just out of reach of that lamborghini. She goes to the dealership and tries to talk him down a little from that $250k, however the dealer holds firm on the price. Now she really wants the car, so for the next 6 months she cuts every corner she can to raise that extra $10k. She cuts down on expenses and even cuts back on food, she is eating beans and rice, rice an beans everyday for 6 months to save. Well she buys that lamborghini and does not insure it before driving off the lot, gets into a wreck and totals it. However as luck would have it she wins another $240k from the lotto, however her old car dies on her. So again she knows she can save up that extra $10k that is needed for the lamborghini she wants, trouble is that she needs transportation right now. So she goes to the used car deal, were she finds a reliable car for around $10k. Now she has chosen this car, however does not really want it. So as she is about to sign papers to buy this car she realizes that the used car salesmen is desperate for the sale. At the last minute she tells the salesmen that she is not okay paying $10k for the car and instead will only offer him $7k or maybe $8k at the most. The salesman agrees to sell the used car at a lower price to her and she drives off. So she saves her money again for the next 9 months or so to get that lamborghini. This time she insures it before driving it off the lot and goes home. Now the car that she chose to buy before had is inconvenient for her so she gets rid of it.

 

Now if you think about the little story I just told and compare it to how most women treat men it is very similar. How many times has a WW or xWW told you that they wanted to stay with you? How many times did you hear them and others say that you should be happy because they chose you? They chose you because that lamborghini was wrecked or just got away and they need something for right now. They truthfully do not want you, they are settling for you. The minute something comes along that they want you will be cast aside. This is why I will never be a woman's choice again in my life. It is better to die alone and happy than with someone and miserable. Remember being lonely is a state of mind, I can be alone and not lonely, hell I have seen me do it before. However I can be with someone and feeling lonely. So yes being a BH does suck that is because you have proof shoved right in your face that you are not wanted, you are a choice. That is why when a woman tells me that she has chosen me, I do not respond. I simply walk away from her.

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I'm trying to not let this be a situation where I learn nothing, take nothing away from it. I've recently spiraled into depths of self destruction I did not think possible. Unlike othe posters,I knew what he was capable of in the back of my mind. Only because it had happened before. I rugswept.

 

I've stated this before but it didn't matter what the state of our relationship was...he cheated. I hold no delusions that our M was in any kind of good condition when this last A took place.

 

I think people process things differently but for me... not having that blind trust from the get go saved a bit of my sanity. I have honestly been through worse pain both physically and emotionally. I was a "broken" woman before we even met. Been through some very dark times in my young years. Most likely why I accepted such shabby treatment in the first place. Most likely why I'm self destructing in 5..4..3.. .

 

It does suck but I know that I've looked the devil in the eye before. I surely can make it through this time in my life. I pray I come out no worse for the wear.

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For me the worst part was getting through the "why me" and "why wasn't I good enough"

 

For the first time in my life I doubted myself, I wondered what I could have done better, how could I have prevented it from happening. WW was still not being honest. I recall during that time thinking I can't do this, I need out of this relationship. The thought calmed me, which was odd because she had once said if I didn't trust her then I should divorce her and it scared the crap out of me. Now thinking about it made me feel safe and calm.....it had to happen...for me...for my kids.

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Yes it does suck. I have a iron clad memory for all the emails, comments made by my wife all those many years ago. My wife does not - easy for her to move on and live in the moment.

 

Just call me "Time Lord" because in the little blue police box of that is my mind - I am traveling about in time never staying long in the now. Anytime things are bad between us - you can hear the time machine make that noise..take off and I am back there....and my wife knows this too. Hard for both of us.

 

 

 

 

Edited by dichotomy
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I think down the road the only part that will suck is the limited time with your kids. Not being able to be there full time. As the years go by and when you find the right person that was meant for you,you may not feel the same.

 

I know that my feelings for my XH is relief. Relief tha I did not continue in that joke of a M. Thankful that I did not have to spend the rest of my life being a spy or questioning everything he said or did.

 

I am sure all of the chips will fall where that need to land. It sucks that any of it can happen, but we can't predict who we wind up with and what they will do to us and most importantly their feelings and reasons behind all of it. I never thought it would happen a second time to me in my second M. But it happened, I forgave him and we decided to work on our M and are getting through it day by day. Something I could have never fathomed from my first experience.

 

I am sure that down the road instead of thinking that it sucks...you will think that it was the best. It will be ok.

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Yes it does suck. I have a iron clad memory for all the emails, comments made by my wife all those many years ago. My wife does not - easy for her to move on and live in the moment.

 

Just call me "Time Lord" because in the little blue police box of that is my mind - I am traveling about in time never staying long in the now. Anytime things are bad between us - you can hear the time machine make that noise..take off and I am back there....and my wife knows this too. Hard for both of us.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh, as a giant Whovian, this is my language, and well stated by you!

 

I try and say Allons-y to the bad stuff, and most of the time, I succeed, but sometimes, it still leaks out, and I think that's just the nature of trauma. Which sucks. Life is hard enough without someone else making choices that weigh on you forever.

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Snowflower

Ah, BH...I'm so sorry that it has been rough for you lately. I think any BS, no matter whether they divorced or reconciled has felt as you have. I know I can certainly raise my hand and join the group! :)

 

I wish I had some magic words to say how it will get better, time heals, yada, yada, but there are none. I think when we feel like this, we just have to put our heads down and plod ahead, one day at a time.

 

(((hugs)))

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gettingstronger

It does suck- I was a good spouse as well-not perfect but it does suck that the trust and faith I had made it easy to deceive me-

We are still together and things are going well-but it sucks to be "a couple in reconciliation" it will always be a blemish on our relationship-

It sucks for my kids-they don't know exactly what went down but they heard arguing, saw tears and see the difference-it shattered their perfect idea of family-

It just sucks-it really and truly does!

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The unpredictability sucks. The lack of control at times. You're going along great for a while, not a care in the world...then out of no where you're wondering how she could look at you with all sincerity after just being with him and say "I love you."

 

And as dichotomy said, an iron clad memory of your own in contrast to your wife's ability to forget isn't necessarily fun.

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Trustnoone

I have a job where I witness the unspeakable acts humans do to one another. From children to the elderly. From the toughest to the weakest. I have never feared a human being, but one. I thought I had thick skin and could handle any curve life could throw at you. Then I was struck by infidelity, and some parts of me died on the spot. I think to say it sucks is putting it mildly. I compare it to having the devil as your best friend and you now reside in h$ll.

 

There were days I didn't want to get out of bed let alone the house. I became suicidal and lost all hope. I cried more than any other time in my life. I hit rock bottom in less than two weeks. I thought I knew the person I married inside and out. I fully trusted her, only to find she became my enemy. Her AP invaded my family in a poorly thought out invasion plan. This is what brought me back to where I am now. I have executed launches back at the AP, his home life is being destroyed as I type. His career already terminated, and he is still unemployed today. My invasion has just begun.

 

WW was amazed I even offered reconciliation. We are currently in MC which I hate that I need this type of help. My WW saw me as a good person overall, she now say I have changed. She sees me as cold and calculating with a brutally cruel streak. I tell her I am only enforcing consequences to her actions, to which they both should have thought of. My WW was never supposed to see this side of me.

 

Personally to me the hardest part the destroyed me to my core was the trickle truth. When this started I quit communicating that night, and said we would continue tomorrow night. Next night she did it again. So I showed her the plan I had for him and then her. I told her she had a few minutes to gather her thoughts. I reached for a timer and told her when it goes off I launch my plan on her. Before I could even set the timer she broke.

 

I still haven't recovered as my d-day was January 20th of this year. Every damn day I feel pain. I feel anger, sadness, depression, and a slew of others. It sucks, it's h$ll, but I will fight through this and become a stronger person. My WW's poor decisions will not be my end. It will not be my defining moment in life, raising my sons to be men will be my defining moment.

 

One day I hope to laugh along with making other people laugh, but I feel that is a long time from now. Infidelity has caused more pain than I could have ever fathomed. Reconciliation has proved to be the most difficult work I've ever done in my life. I hope this will all be worth it.

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Hugs BH :love::love::love:

 

 

Yeah....deceit sucks....and the damage it leaves behind, especially for the kids who suffer a broken home.

 

It's ok...to have a bad day, a bad week, and feel what you feel, that's a heathy and normal coping experience. Bottling up the frustration, and the what if's builds up internal pressure. It's good to get things off your chest and then carry on, doing the best you can.

 

The dangerous slope is allowing betrayal to shadow the beauty and joys in life. I've come to appreciate the simplicity of joy, and the gift of heath. What doesn't break you only makes you stronger.

 

Hugs again

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bubbaganoosh
I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

As a former BS, I'd like to hear support and discussion from other BSs.

 

Thank you,

BH

 

And you still are which is your badge to wear proudly so with that, someday you'll meet a woman who will be looking for a man like you and she will make you forget the one who didn't appreciate it and lost it.

 

You still have your self respect and dignity which is something you never want to lose. You can look in the mirror every morning and be able to look back at the image in the mirror and not look away.

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tornapart2002

Agreed. I was not perfect. I may not have been the best communicator, but I did a lot for my husband. I prayed for him, cooked for him, called to check on him at work. I slacked off because he pushed me away. Today he had the nerve to say he felt rejected by me even though he was the one who wouldn't go anywhere with me and my son, got mad when I called him at work, and looked at his phone instead of me when I tried to talk to him.

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. We can be introspective and try to "fix" what is wrong with us, but at some point we just have to say "F*** it. Nothing I did EVER called for this to be done to me and I'll NEVER believe it did."

 

 

I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

As a former BS, I'd like to hear support and discussion from other BSs.

 

Thank you,

BH

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tornapart2002

Us Whovians...we are so introspective aren't we?And your analogy hit me right between the eyes. Our love of the Doctor is something my husband and I shared. Hit me hard when I saw him sending her DVDs of Doctor Who. I know...it wasn't the worst betrayal, but damn, that was our thing! lol!

 

Yes it does suck. I have a iron clad memory for all the emails, comments made by my wife all those many years ago. My wife does not - easy for her to move on and live in the moment.

 

Just call me "Time Lord" because in the little blue police box of that is my mind - I am traveling about in time never staying long in the now. Anytime things are bad between us - you can hear the time machine make that noise..take off and I am back there....and my wife knows this too. Hard for both of us.

 

 

 

 

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lilmisscantbewrong
I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

As a former BS, I'd like to hear support and discussion from other BSs.

 

Thank you,

BH

 

 

 

It does suck. Something must have triggered this today. When I hear you speak (write) I see my husband and the pain I caused him. Also on the flip side, I am dealing with it as a BS as well.

 

 

Your wife was (is) very broken - not dismissing or defending - but that's the truth. This is something I recognize about myself.

 

 

Wish we could go back in time - I really do :(

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tornapart2002

I wonder what triggered this as well. Your pain is so much like mine. I wish I could take it from you and me both and all of the BSs in here. the pain a WS has is real too, but there is something so humiliating and soul sucking about being cheated on....in a different way than dealing with the shame of being the cheater. Not in a worse way...just in a different way.

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TheBladeRunner

The triggers get to me too sometimes as I mentioned earlier, but over time the triggers have changed and they are more selfish on my part. It's been awhile, but the old triggers were of an emotional nature; lost love, betrayal, hurt, etc. These days it's stuff that you might say is related to the "business side" of the marriage.

 

I used to have killer insurance via the XW's job, my insurance stinks now. I just got a medical bill for a broken bone (I have big deductible insurance I pay for) last night and it pi#$ed me right off :). It's stuff like this that bugs me sometimes. With time things do get better, but I often wonder if it ALL ever goes away.

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ChooseTruth
I feel a need to say that, as a former betrayed spouse, this whole thing sucks. Damn it, I was a damn good husband and a damn good father and I didn't deserve this bullshi.t and neither did my kids.

 

As a former BS, I'd like to hear support and discussion from other BSs.

 

Thank you,

BH

 

Just last night I was talking to my new (childless) GF trying to explain that most of my pain came from seeing my daughter's world split apart, that and feeling trapped by alimony and having to live close to the ex for coparenting.

 

What is triggering you? You have moved on and I thought you were doing pretty well?

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Just last night I was talking to my new (childless) GF trying to explain that most of my pain came from seeing my daughter's world split apart, that and feeling trapped by alimony and having to live close to the ex for coparenting.

 

What is triggering you? You have moved on and I thought you were doing pretty well?

 

I broke down in tears today because of not having time for a school event with my daughter. Living with a constantly ultra-compressed schedule. Dating is almost impossible. Trusting any female is herculean effort I'm discovering.

 

My focus? Learning to let go. Accepting suffering and letting it do its thing. Setting my focus on what is good.

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underwater2010

Yep...it sucks. You think life is going along great, and then BAM a train hits you out of nowhere. Not just on Dday....but long, long after. A few years down the road and you all the sudden find yourself looking over your shoulder asking when the other shoe is going to drop. And it doesn't even have to be something that you FWS did. It is an insecurity that was forced upon you by some stupid, selfish moments.

 

That being said....I try to focus on the positive. My FWH and I had a talk recently. I was transitioning to a new job. And absolutely scared out of mind. That and PMS lead to a little breakdown on my part. He handled it perfectly. He reassured me that he is here for me. And that I don't have to fear the future. It doesn't make me say "Okay...everything will be great"...but him facing what he did so far out and not shifting into the blame game...meant an awful lot.

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James-London

I agree with what everyone says above. i got cheated on nearly a year ago and it totally destroyed me. so, i'm just trying to think what i can add on this....

 

well, i guess maybe the reason we are all so upset is that it does not make any sense on some level. we have the person who we loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world and they turn around and do the most awful things. how is that possible? i think a lot of the pain comes from this confusion. at least it does with me.

 

i mean - if your cheating partner never gave you anything, always took you for granted, never respected you - then it would hardly be a surprise that she cheated. right? but we feel hurt because that is so not the person we thought it was.

 

well, i think maybe we remember things differently looking back to how they actually were at the time. it was really only i discovered all the cheating that we really started talking and being honest with each other. another thing, is that it may have felt real to me, but that does not mean she felt the same way. She just never communicated her feelings to me.

 

a third point is that if a partner cheats, they are just not that serious about you. end of story. i know people cheating because they are lonely etc. or because the other person did things wrong. its all nonsense. if they were REALLY serious about you, they would be looking to build the relationship or fix the things that were wrong. that was not happening in my relationship, and i doubt it was with other people - at least not until after the cheating was discovered..... SO, IF THEY DON'T EVEN RESPECT YOU ENOUGH TO BE FAITHFUL, WHAT YOU HAVE LOST? YOU LOST NOTHING. YOU REALLY LOST NOTHING BECAUSE YOU NEVER REALLY HAD HIM/HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

 

finally, a lot of people on here talk about seeing all the warning signs in retrospect. Totally the same with me. Well, i have really learnt from this. I will certainly see the signs next time - they are really obvious. Just ask: what is my partner investing or sacrificing to make me happy? If the answer is not enough, then they could well cheat. also, i learnt a lot about myself, what i need and what i should expect from someone else.... so, actually - from that stupid, pointless relationship, i actually walked away having learnt a lot.

 

one more point. i find that the people who find it hardest to recover are those who put all there emotional eggs in the same basket. i.e. - the person who was supporting/loving them was the same person who cheated. If you are lucky enough to have friends/family around you that is great, but it is important that some of them have the emotional intelligence/empathy to actually support you properly. finally, as soon as you are able - meet new people. it really puts the whole thing into perspective. that relationship where you got cheated on will become one event (or milestone even) in your life - like the day you first went fishing or went to the sea or whatever. it will just be something that once happened, and you will have moved on to a happier and much better life.

 

hope some of that makes sense/is helpful. its just stuff i have been thinking about recently.... just don't waste too much time trying to analyse why it all happened. and certainly don't waste time trying to get answers from the cheating partners as 99-100% of what they say will be nonsense or lies.

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snappytomcat

yes bh,it royaly sucks

I was also a good wife,good mother,and great friend,and lover,and I never saw it coming,if you were to know my husband this is completely out of character for him.

im glad we are working on our marriage,we do love each other,but who knows what will happen in the future,alls I know is that whatever happens I know I tried my best,and still be true to myself.

I always love reading what you post,you have help me tremendously,and others too,wish I could say something to help you right now,but it does sound like you were a great husband,and its your xw,loss

good luck to you and take care

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