Wife cheated...Is sexually unsatisfying marriage possible?

[Disturbed]

I am brand new to the forum and am seeking any advice available.

 

Between dating and marriage my wife and I have been together almost 14 years. We have always enjoyed mutual interests and social commentary. As is typically the case, we were very romantic in the beginning. We had plenty of passion for each other. However, after dating a few months, she discovered she was pregnant. This along with the death of her father brought her to the lowest point in her life. We agreed on getting an abortion as it was our desire to not have kids. Not to mention the fact that we did not have much money and were deep in debt.

 

It wasn't long after this that the passion in our relationship faded. We fought alot, usually about money and how I wanted more sex in the relationship. I was unhappy but felt some level of guilt because I felt that the abortion had stunted her sex drive. It was later discovered that we had both contracted herpes. We only had minimal partners before the other and it was unclear who gave it to who though I suspect it may have been me that gave it to her with the girl I lost my virginity with. This added to my guilt.

 

Despite all of this, I still loved her. We had always been able to talk and enjoy each other's company unlike what either one had ever experienced before. We married after dating for 6 years. The reason for the delay was only because I wanted to get us financially on track before marriage.

 

As our income grew, so did our emotional bond. However, the sex problem was still out there. I had resigned myself to the notion that she was a woman who didn't enjoy sex that much, largely because of the abortion and the herpes, and we would have our small amount of sex and I would enjoy what I could. The frequency was typically once a month.

 

After about 3 years of marriage, I discovered some emails talking about sex with naked photos being exchanged between her and a co-worker who didn't work in her area. This was the first time I had ever truly been jealous. In the past, she had always been jealous of me and threatened to leave me if I was ever caught with anyone (likely because she knew that the sex thing bothered me so). After a few months the guy got transferred out of state and she never had the chance to see him again. I never knew for sure if anything physical had happened. She told me nothing happened and over time the wounds healed.

 

Now a few weeks back, I became increasingly suspicious of something going on. She had a co-worker from another part of town give her a ride to a meeting that was being held out-of-state. I knew the day she would return and took off work early and parked my car around the block. We just moved into a new two-story house and I decided to hide-out upstairs and see what would happen. She called the house and got no answer. Got inside and walked around and then called my work phone followed by my cell phone. I turned my phone off so she couldn't hear it. They then started kissing and he began feeling her up. I screamed as I ran down the stairs and kicked the guy out of the house. She later admitted it had been going on for 3 weeks and they had sex 3 times. The guy himself is married.

 

I almost told his wife but restrained myself for fear that she may tell other co-workers and get both of them fired. I have since been living with the shame of the incident. She says it is over and I believe her, but my feeling that she was a non-sexual person was all a lie. The fact of the matter is that she is very small and I am, frankly, very big. Sex for her is painful with me and usually causes tearing and discomfort. For her, sex is not that important and she wants to stay with me. I believe that she will be faithful in the future but I am not sure I can not live with someone else being more sexually satisfying and knowing that she liked it more with him than me. We could never go more than 5 minutes at a time while they went 20-30. She doesn't enjoy oral either giving or receiving so I fear that we will forever be in a rut sexually.

 

I love her very much but this pain is not something that can go away over time. This is more than a trust thing or an honesty thing. It's a sex thing. I have probably always valued sex higher than I should. I would always get depressed about our sex life but shrug it off because of everything else. This reality that since we are not anatomically compatable could destroy our marriage is scary. I have been approached for affairs that she was not aware of but turned them down because I could not hurt her but now the shoe is on the other foot. All I ever really wanted sexually was to please the woman and while we make do the best we can, the sex is at best "average" and at worst "clinical". I am worried about hurting her and if we can't finish early enough we both have to stop. And now that she has tasted better sex, would she ever go back to that even though our marriage is tettering on seperation or divorce. His penis size, according to her, is significantly smaller.

 

Is there anything that can be done to spice the relationship and will my anger, rage and depression ever go away?

[Papillon]

Now, you see, it's NOT a sex thing. It IS an honesty and trust thing.

 

The penis size thing is hors***. You really believe she wanted to sleep with him because his penis is smaller?

 

Clue: She had to first see what his penis looked like....

 

Your relationship is broken because of other factors. It's not the sex. If you had a healthy relationship, then you'd find other ways to pleasure each other.

[Disturbed]

I believe the first time it happened was purely in the heat of the moment. She came back for more because she liked it. Under the right (or wrong) circumstances I could just as easily cheated on her because of our sex problems as well. People can become weak. Hell, 80% of marriages today involve a spouse that has cheated at some point. We are each other's best friend first and foremost. If we divorced, it would probably be because our friendship couldn't continue as a result of this.

[Ladyjane14]

Is sexually unsatisfying marriage possible?

 

--Nope. I don't think so, not in your case anyway.

 

It's not like she's paralyzed or in a coma or something. There can certainly be reasons for unsatisifactory sex, but NEVER excuses! The whole "your penis is too big" arguement sounds a bit suspect. Vaginas are somewhat stretchy after all. That's how we get nine-pound babies through them!

 

Has she been checked out by her GYN? Did you go to the appointment with her? Not for the exam part, of course, (Ewwwww!), but rather the consultation portion of the exam.

 

Have you had marriage counseling? Have any psychological problems that she may be suffering been addressed? Does she view you as a father figure? Is she harboring latent anger and resentment toward you?

 

If you've eliminated legitimate reasons, then you're left with excuses.

 

Now a few weeks back, I became increasingly suspicious of something going on.

 

It's obvious that you had some trust issues even before you caught her in the act. It's absolutely paramount that those issues be resolved before moving ahead. Trust is the foundation of the relationship. If it's not there, you're just continuing to build on sand.

 

I was unhappy but felt some level of guilt because I felt that the abortion had stunted her sex drive. It was later discovered that we had both contracted herpes. We only had minimal partners before the other and it was unclear who gave it to who though I suspect it may have been me that gave it to her with the girl I lost my virginity with. This added to my guilt.

 

Don't forget to attend to your own needs as well. Feelings of guilt can alter our ability to make good decisions. Don't hesitate to get some help and support with this. Really. There are times when you've got to be good to yourself in order to be good for anyone else.

 

Good luck!

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by Disturbed

. I have been approached for affairs that she was not aware of but turned them down

 

 

Wow. I have never been approached for an affair....I must be hanging out at the wrong places.

 

This is a rarity, a man bummed out that his d*ck is too big!!

 

Seriously there must be other issues that just sex problems.

[TMCM]

Disturbed:

 

"In the past, she had always been jealous of me and threatened to leave me if I was ever caught with anyone (likely because she knew that the sex thing bothered me so)."

 

Interesting, she wanted YOU to live in a celibate marriage but she herself could have sex with other men. I'm afraid that you are dealing with a person with huge insecurities issues that no amount of marriage counseling will be able to resolve. Unless she recognizes that she has these issues, she is very likely to cheat on you again in the future.

[fredrolin]

"In the past, she had always been jealous of me and threatened to leave me if I was ever caught with anyone (likely because she knew that the sex thing bothered me so)."

 

she wanted YOU to live in a celibate marriage but she herself could have sex with other men

 

 

I have seen this behavior with my wife's friend.

 

This woman (now divorced for the 2nd time) always cheated on her husbands with many men. One-night stands all the time, boyfriends on the side, group sex.

Yet the husbands weren't even allowed to watch an R rated movie if it contained a sex scene.

 

Apparently the woman was molested by her father when she was a child. So her husbands took the place of her "father figure" and treating these men horribly was a way of getting back at her father.

 

She really hates men and is out to hurt them all due to what her father did. She is also an alcoholic.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by fredrolin:

 

I have seen this behavior with my wife's friend.[.b]

 

This woman (now divorced for the 2nd time) always cheated on her husbands with many men. One-night stands all the time, boyfriends on the side, group sex.

Yet the husbands weren't even allowed to watch an R rated movie if it contained a sex scene.

 

Red flag waving. Your W is friends with a potentially corrupting person and if she is not careful she too may be swayed by her 'friend' to do what she has done. Would your W like it if you were friends with a male friend that did what her friend has done?

[lioness]

I'm surprised I'm the first to say this in this thread: Have you gone to marriage counseling?? It sounds like it could really be beneficial to the two of you.

 

The whole "your penis is too big" arguement sounds a bit suspect. Vaginas are somewhat stretchy after all. That's how we get nine-pound babies through them!

Ummm, yeah, what LadyJane said!

 

Speaking as an ex-wife who had a similar problem (although I never cheated) I was un-interested in sex with my ex because I wasn't getting the emotional fulfillment that I needed in order to become aroused with him. Without arousal, sex is painful for a woman. We do not become lubricated and yes, tearing can happen. Don't be fooled into thinking that it's just sex she's after in her affairs, she's getting that emotional fulfillment that you are not providing.

 

Get thee to therapy! Before it ends in divorce.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by TMCM

Red flag waving. Your W is friends with a potentially corrupting person and if she is not careful she too may be swayed by her 'friend' to do what she has done. Would your W like it if you were friends with a male friend that did what her friend has done?

 

 

My wife has know this women for over 20 years. I have been with my wife 10 years.

 

My wife is an intelligent professional woman, wife and mother who knows her friend has problems.

 

Do you think everyone is so weakminded that it's monkey see monkey do? Get a grip.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

It's obvious that you had some trust issues even before you caught her in the act.

 

 

That is such bulls***. It's only "trust issues" if he was suspicious for no reason. In this case, he picked up on something that led him to be suspicious, and justifiably so. That makes him intuitive, not lacking of trust.

 

To the OP, as for being depressed of because of your lack of a sex life with your wife, that's understandable. It doesn't make you a bad person for wanting regular sex from your wife, nor does it mean you value sex more than you should. It simply makes you human.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by lioness

Speaking as an ex-wife who had a similar problem (although I never cheated) I was un-interested in sex with my ex because I wasn't getting the emotional fulfillment that I needed in order to become aroused with him. Without arousal, sex is painful for a woman. We do not become lubricated and yes, tearing can happen. Don't be fooled into thinking that it's just sex she's after in her affairs, she's getting that emotional fulfillment that you are not providing.

 

Get thee to therapy! Before it ends in divorce.

 

You make a very excellent point but you forget that SHE threatened to leave him if she ever caught him cheating on her yet she felt that SHE had the right to do what he couldn't. This goes beyond not meeting her emotional needs and more with unresolved issues on her part.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by fredrolin

 

Do you think everyone is so weakminded that it's monkey see monkey do? Get a grip.

 

It is not a matter of being weakminded it is a matter of being AWARE of boundaries and not crossing them especially when they are very vulnerable. Remember that almost everybody beleives that an affair is something that happens to somebody else not them.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by TMCM

It is not a matter of being weakminded it is a matter of being AWARE of boundaries and not crossing them especially when they are very vulnerable. Remember that almost everybody beleives that an affair is something that happens to somebody else not them.

 

 

Honestly, I wish my wife would cheat. I would then have grounds for divorce.

 

As it currently stands, due to a past bankruptcy of mine, my wife owns our house, my truck, our 2 cars and has all the credit card accounts. She also earns much more than me.

 

If I walk out and file for divorce I won't get anything.

 

If my wife files for divorce (she has already talked to a lawyer about this during a time when we were considering a breakup) or causes the divorce, she will have to help me get a place to live and pay me alimony and child support.

 

So I ain't leaving with nothing.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by fredrolin

Honestly, I wish my wife would cheat. I would then have grounds for divorce.

 

As it currently stands, due to a past bankruptcy of mine, my wife owns our house, my truck, our 2 cars and has all the credit card accounts. She also earns much more than me.

 

If I walk out and file for divorce I won't get anything.

 

If my wife files for divorce (she has already talked to a lawyer about this during a time when we were considering a breakup) or causes the divorce, she will have to help me get a place to live and pay me alimony and child support.

 

So I ain't leaving with nothing.

 

How sad that it has gotten this bad.

 

Are you sure that infidelity is a factor in the State you live? I ask because if you live in a no fault divorce State you may not be so lucky.

 

Be that as it may, I wish that you and your W will be able to fix your marriage, but if its too late then I wish peace for both of you.

[Mr Spock]

You gave her herpes, and you both decided to abort a baby. Those are TWO HUGE ISSUES ...hellooo.....I'm sure she feels incapable of arousal with you.....you've got to work on your emotional issues.....

[meanon]

I agree with spock, it's not about anatomy, it's about arousal.

 

Sex with you has damaged your wife. I'm not trying to cast blame, I think this will be the way it feels to her even if she was an equal party to the abortion decision. As this emotional truth has been ignored by you both, you now have the totally abhorrent situation that sex with you "usually" causes her physical damage too. Think, for a moment, about what further emotional damage is being inflicted.

 

Please, go for counselling.