Feel like stuck in a nightmare

[tornapart2002]

You ever feel like your stuck in a nightmare and at some point you will wake up and none of this will never have happened? Like many many nights when I go to sleep I think when I wake up everything will be OK again and he would have never did the one thing he promised he would never do to me....

 

I want the nightmare to end...

[harrybrown]

So sorry that you are having this horrible experience.

 

The pain hurts and the other thing that has helped me is time, doing the 180 and exercise.

 

Of course it has taken years to get to this point.

 

Hope you go to counseling to get help with the pain.

 

Of course it would help, if your SO was remorseful and completely honest.

 

Is that your case with your SO?

[tornapart2002]

Yes, but even his honesty, now, after so long of lying, isn't seeming to help. Sometimes I wish I could end it all, but I can't. I have a seven year old and another one on the way. The last was an accident while trying to reconile. I thought I physically couldnt get pregnant again. Apparently I was wrong.

 

I wish I could run away. Cheated on, pregnant like a ****ing moron...my poor little boy who is amazing with a mom who can't get it together.

 

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wasn't here anymore...

 

 

So sorry that you are having this horrible experience.

 

The pain hurts and the other thing that has helped me is time, doing the 180 and exercise.

 

Of course it has taken years to get to this point.

 

Hope you go to counseling to get help with the pain.

 

Of course it would help, if your SO was remorseful and completely honest.

 

Is that your case with your SO?

[harrybrown]

Your children are innocent and they need their Mom to be there to love them.

 

I am sorry for your pain, but try to remember that it sounds like if they do not have you, they will be in a bad situation.

 

Hope your H can step up to the task of healing your family. It will be a tough road.

[tornapart2002]

I can't believe I even wrote that. Of course I know my children need me. My husband has tried so hard. THe problem is me. I can't move forward.This isn't where I wanted my life to be. Why can't I just toughen up and realize it doesn't matter where I wanted it to be. This is where I am and i have to deal with it?

 

I want to be strong, but I'm not...I'm just not.

 

 

Your children are innocent and they need their Mom to be there to love them.

 

I am sorry for your pain, but try to remember that it sounds like if they do not have you, they will be in a bad situation.

 

Hope your H can step up to the task of healing your family. It will be a tough road.

[snappytomcat]

yes I can relate right after dday,I had to take sleeping pills,and wash them down with a bottle of wine,and I would just pass out,and when I woke up,i thought is this real,or was it just a nightmare,unfortunately it was real,but as time goes by,it will get better,most important thing to do is take care of yourself.

iam sorry for your pain

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))

[mrs rubble]

I can't believe I even wrote that. Of course I know my children need me. My husband has tried so hard. THe problem is me. I can't move forward.This isn't where I wanted my life to be. Why can't I just toughen up and realize it doesn't matter where I wanted it to be. This is where I am and i have to deal with it?

 

I want to be strong, but I'm not...I'm just not.

 

I SO know that feeling.

One day you'll look back and realize yes you were strong enough.

This poem helped me yesterday when I was feeling really bad-

 

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] It’s In The Valleys I Grow[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Sometimes life seems hard to bear,

Full of sorrow, trouble and woe

It’s then I have to remember

That it’s in the valleys I grow.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]If I always stayed on the mountaintop

And never experienced pain,

I would never appreciate God’s love

And would be living in vain.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I have so much to learn

And my growth is very slow,

Sometimes I need the mountain tops,

But it’s in the valleys I grow.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I do not always understand

Why things happen as they do,

But I am very sure of one thing.

My Lord will see me through.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]My little valleys are nothing

When I picture Christ on the cross

He went through the valley of death;

His victory was Satan’s loss.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Forgive me Lord, for complaining

When I’m feeling so very low.

Just give me a gentle reminder

That it’s in the valleys I grow.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Continue to strengthen me, Lord

And use my life each day

To share your love with others

And help them find their way.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Thank you for valleys, Lord

For this one thing I know

The mountain tops are glorious

But it’s in the valleys I grow![/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman](This poem was written by Jane Eggleston who currently lives in Virginia. Her son Jeff states, “She is a wonderful person, loves Jesus and has been the best mother anyone could ever ask for.” What a fitting tribute to any mother.[/FONT]

[frogss29]

Tornapart, it is hard just being pregnant with all the hormones racing around your body.

The added stress of the betrayal is enormous.

I suppose you just need to take a long, hard look at your husband and decide if he is really sorry and understands the pain you are going through.

And you need to be sure you want to stay in your marriage.

If you want to stay then it is almost like you have to turn a page of the book and start a new chapter.

Does that make sense?

I understand (now) that no one can ever really be sure of their spouse.

But, if you feel that your marriage can be good, you have to give it a chance.

Easy words to write.

SO hard to do.

I sort of feel there are only so many conversations you can have re the affair.

There is only so much energy you can waste on feeling bad.

I can understand all what you are going through.

I think all BS can

Just hope while you are wading through the s*** you can still see some sunshine.

[drifter777]

You ever feel like your stuck in a nightmare and at some point you will wake up and none of this will never have happened? Like many many nights when I go to sleep I think when I wake up everything will be OK again and he would have never did the one thing he promised he would never do to me....

 

I want the nightmare to end...

My definition of psychological trauma includes a particular phenomenon I call "10 seconds of escape each morning until you remember that (fill in the blank) really happened". Fill in the blank with a horrible life-experience such as the death of a close family member, a break-up with someone you love deeply, suddenly losing your job, or discovering you wife/husband cheated on you. After those first few seconds when you wake - when your mind and heart haven't oriented themselves to reality quite yet - the sinking feeling in your heart, the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness in your mind - all come crashing down on you like an avalanche of sh*t. You want nothing more than to pull the covers back over your head and fall back to sleep and re-live those 10 seconds of relief from this horrible reality. This is the acute stage of a reaction to a deep, psychological trauma and the affected person is in a state of crisis and is certainly not capable of making any kind of rational decision about the future.

 

Its obvious that a person in this condition should get out of bed and have a good breakfast. Then go shopping and have lunch with friends. Maybe even go on a cruise. Anything to keep busy and distract your mind away from the trauma. Since the person is truly in crisis, I think these are all good ideas and would encourage all of this to that person. After the first couple weeks this acute phase begins to ease up. You begin to accept the reality of it all and start thinking about what to do next. I'd certainly recommend that the person start counseling while in the acute phase but often they aren't in therapy and have no idea how to get started. Once the person is able to start thinking about "whats next?" its time to find a counselor and start working on their personal recovery. To hell with the marriage and the WS. Focus on protecting yourself and your kids from being destroyed by this and let the WS see that you not only can live without them, you are readying yourself for it. Refuse to get stuck in the fear of losing WS and being alone. Easy to say but so hard to do; and so vitally important to BS recovery.

 

The universe rewards action. When you begin to take care of yourself and do things that you believe will ultimately heal this hurt you stop feeling like a victim. You aren't caught in a nightmare - which is victim speak - because you've taken responsibility for yourself as a BS and are doing things that will help restore your self-esteem and mental well-being. DO NOT refer to your current situation as a nightmare because that is a sign you have given up on yourself. Once you do that you empower your WS to take control of the situation and guess what? He's not going to put much priority on your feelings. As you can guess, doing nothing will damage your psyche even more and the contempt you feel toward him (and yourself) will grow and make you miserable for life. Dig in and take a stand for yourself right now. You will gain strength and courage with every positive step you make and surprise yourself with your ability to get through this.

[tornapart2002]

I think I'm having a panic attack or flipping out or something. I can't get the images out of my head of them together. Over and over and over and over in my head right now. This moment. My son is home with me. Husband is at work and I'm flipping out. I keep picturing them together...her with him doing what was supposed to be sacred between us. I can't stop and I keep feeling like I'm going to hyperventilate. He says it was once and they used protection. She says "it was never meant to happen..." if he used protection it sure as **** was meant to happen you ****ing bitch. I can't do this. I really can't. I will never be able to live with him or stay with him and what am I going to do with my little boy and this baby I'm pregnant with and I don't even know where to start with a divorce and no one in my family wants me to divorce but I can't do this. I love him very much and picturing him over and over in my head with her is killing me. I wish he had killed me instead. That would be so much better. Then I wouldn't have to live this way...being mentally tortured so much. I really am freaking out........and I can't take anything because I am pregnant so I have no idea what to do. I wish I could run away from here..... I feel so very lost

[snappytomcat]

I think I'm having a panic attack or flipping out or something. I can't get the images out of my head of them together. Over and over and over and over in my head right now. This moment. My son is home with me. Husband is at work and I'm flipping out. I keep picturing them together...her with him doing what was supposed to be sacred between us. I can't stop and I keep feeling like I'm going to hyperventilate. He says it was once and they used protection. She says "it was never meant to happen..." if he used protection it sure as **** was meant to happen you ****ing bitch. I can't do this. I really can't. I will never be able to live with him or stay with him and what am I going to do with my little boy and this baby I'm pregnant with and I don't even know where to start with a divorce and no one in my family wants me to divorce but I can't do this. I love him very much and picturing him over and over in my head with her is killing me. I wish he had killed me instead. That would be so much better. Then I wouldn't have to live this way...being mentally tortured so much. I really am freaking out........and I can't take anything because I am pregnant so I have no idea what to do. I wish I could run away from here..... I feel so very lost

dear tornapart

I can I tell you something?i felt exactly the same way you describe right now,i didn't think I had enough strength to pick myself up,i just wanted to crawl in a hole,and die,i lost a lot of weight I had to pop anxiety pills,sleeping pills,i lived on wine and tequila.

I hated him,but also loved him I was so confused,i had a rollercoaster of emotions,that I had never experienced before,he had murdered my soul.

I wanted to leave him,even though he begged me not to.

I never thought I would even be able to look at him without disgust,let alone be alone in a room with him.

I felt like I was crippled,and couldn't leave my bed for weeks.

I cried,i sobbed uncontrollably,i screame,and yelled I threw things,i punched things,not him(but I really wanted to),but one thing I learned don't make any rash decisions,in such an emotional state.

also after MC,and lots of talking to each other,and him being fully transparent,with his words and actions we are on a road to recovery,it has not been an easy road(especially since crazy xow wont leave us alone)and reconciling isn't for everyone,you need to do whats best for you and your family,whatever that may be,i just wanted you to know its normal to feel like you do,and you can move forward with your husband if that's for you.i know it truly feels like you have some sort of ptsd.

it will be a year on june 7th I found out about husbands affair,lots has changed for the good,and if you would have asked me a year ago if would still be with hubby,i would have said theres no fu****g way I would stay with a cheating b*****d,but we love each other

take care of yourself,and good luck to you

[frogss29]

What Snappytomcat says is SO true.

Every single word!

[tornapart2002]

I told him this is why I'm so messed up and it hurts so bad.I called him while freaking out. He was great. He told me, again, how sorry he is, how he wishes he could end my pain and he almost drove into a telephone poll today so my son and I could be alone and not have to deal with this (I told him he's an idiot because we'd then have to deal with his death and his betrayal.Ha)..It's so hard to describe on here because people read "I love him sooo much" and they think "Why would she love a disgusting person like him?" and "he's probably abusive" and...who knows what else. But he wasn't abusive. He was detached and emotionally unavailable a lot because of his past, but he never hit me, never yelled at me until right before and right after I found out. He's never hit our child. Never come home drunk. Never done anything like this before (that I know of and believe me we have gone over and over and over that).

 

The reason I'm so messed up with the images in my head is I feel like our physical relationship ws something sacred. Between him and me.

 

And before one of you people who says "we aren't meant to be with one person" comes on here...know that I do not believe that way so your comments like that are going nowhere with me, but you are welcome to say them all you want.

 

I am NOT a woman who wants to share my man with someone. Sorry. But I don't work that way. I wasn't brought up that way and it's not how I want my life to be. I am a one man girl and I have been a one man girl for my entire marriage. When he was emotional distant and pushed me away before and after his grandfather's death and yelled me on the day of his grandfather's funeral for yelling at him for sending flowers to her to "thank" her for sending him a sympathy card I still never sought out another man to comfort me. Never.

 

I hate to say this so possessively but damnit..he's mine. His hair is mine. His face his mine. His skin and back are ****ing mine and thinking of her fugly self touching it flips me the hell out!

 

If she was in this room now I would beat her senseless. Kill her? No..but give her a good bloody nose, that's for sure!

 

dear tornapart

I can I tell you something?i felt exactly the same way you describe right now,i didn't think I had enough strength to pick myself up,i just wanted to crawl in a hole,and die,i lost a lot of weight I had to pop anxiety pills,sleeping pills,i lived on wine and tequila.

I hated him,but also loved him I was so confused,i had a rollercoaster of emotions,that I had never experienced before,he had murdered my soul.

I wanted to leave him,even though he begged me not to.

I never thought I would even be able to look at him without disgust,let alone be alone in a room with him.

I felt like I was crippled,and couldn't leave my bed for weeks.

I cried,i sobbed uncontrollably,i screame,and yelled I threw things,i punched things,not him(but I really wanted to),but one thing I learned don't make any rash decisions,in such an emotional state.

also after MC,and lots of talking to each other,and him being fully transparent,with his words and actions we are on a road to recovery,it has not been an easy road(especially since crazy xow wont leave us alone)and reconciling isn't for everyone,you need to do whats best for you and your family,whatever that may be,i just wanted you to know its normal to feel like you do,and you can move forward with your husband if that's for you.i know it truly feels like you have some sort of ptsd.

it will be a year on june 7th I found out about husbands affair,lots has changed for the good,and if you would have asked me a year ago if would still be with hubby,i would have said theres no fu****g way I would stay with a cheating b*****d,but we love each other

take care of yourself,and good luck to you

[tornapart2002]

By the way, thank you for these words. I so often feel like I'm a total nutcase and I'm the only one who is cryng and then OK, screaming and then OK, having these horrible images and the dsire to make him get away from me and then OK.

 

I feel so hopeless right now...like I will never get over this, but your words are helping me.

 

dear tornapart

I can I tell you something?i felt exactly the same way you describe right now,i didn't think I had enough strength to pick myself up,i just wanted to crawl in a hole,and die,i lost a lot of weight I had to pop anxiety pills,sleeping pills,i lived on wine and tequila.

I hated him,but also loved him I was so confused,i had a rollercoaster of emotions,that I had never experienced before,he had murdered my soul.

I wanted to leave him,even though he begged me not to.

I never thought I would even be able to look at him without disgust,let alone be alone in a room with him.

I felt like I was crippled,and couldn't leave my bed for weeks.

I cried,i sobbed uncontrollably,i screame,and yelled I threw things,i punched things,not him(but I really wanted to),but one thing I learned don't make any rash decisions,in such an emotional state.

also after MC,and lots of talking to each other,and him being fully transparent,with his words and actions we are on a road to recovery,it has not been an easy road(especially since crazy xow wont leave us alone)and reconciling isn't for everyone,you need to do whats best for you and your family,whatever that may be,i just wanted you to know its normal to feel like you do,and you can move forward with your husband if that's for you.i know it truly feels like you have some sort of ptsd.

it will be a year on june 7th I found out about husbands affair,lots has changed for the good,and if you would have asked me a year ago if would still be with hubby,i would have said theres no fu****g way I would stay with a cheating b*****d,but we love each other

take care of yourself,and good luck to you