Cheating BF Marries & is Cuckolded by Sweet GF turned Vengeful Wife

[1michael]

This is a true story. Some might see it as karma. Many may see the tragedy. Anybody can advise me on this. I don't know what to do or how to process any of it.

 

***

 

I fell in love in 1999. We began "officially" dating in 2000. Since then, I have NEVER met someone I'd rather marry, and I've barely even considered the possibility. I've always wanted her.

 

Yet I have a history of cheating from nearly day 1. I believe this history has just culminated in the permanent destruction of my most beloved relationship.

 

Why did I start cheating? I was young, inexperienced, insecure, greedy, selfish, had no morals, had no problem lying, vain and egomaniacal. I had low self-esteem, and I believe I was addicted to girls (I would say addicted to sex, but it was more about attention from girls--flirting, kissing, and so on).

 

By 2003, I stopped telling her when I cheated. (Honesty actually prevailed, the first few times I cheated.) Why? I didn't like to see her cry and suffer in pain, and I got sick of it. I really didn't think I could or would actually stop cheating, and I thought "she's so in love with me, she'd forgive me anyway--so why tell her?" I now see that I was merely developing comfortable rationalizations, to help me cope with my series of bad choices. I sometimes feel more ashamed about the things I thought, than what I actually did.

 

Who was I cheating with, and where? I cheated any place you could meet a girl quickly and briefly--bars, clubs, parties, a cruise ship, parades, vacations, college, my apartment, their apartment, via "myspace", etc. Girls who sexually excited me AND seemed sexually available were what I was looking for. Almost 100% of the time, I never spoke to these girls again. With a couple long-distance girls (on vacations), we sent MAYBE a handful of emails. There was not much romance. The girls I cheated with were as opportunistic as me. The cruise ship girl for example--I later learned (via google) that she was ENGAGED when we engaged in oral and regular sex during the cruise. I sometimes feel cursed for doing this, even though I didn't know she was taken when I did it.

 

I did stop cheating in 2008, however the 2006-2008 period was the period I feel most disgusting about.

 

Why did I stop cheating? I hated what I was doing to her, and to myself. I knew I had low self esteem, due to divorce, absent dad, abusive mom & stepdad, subsequent drug use, etc. (She knew all my problems too.) Also, increasingly, after I cheated, I would just feel gross, dirty, and like a lying, dishonest piece of $h*t. I knew I was scum. I knew it was wrong what I was doing behind her back.

 

My original rationale for cheating--I hoped more sexual experience would make me more confident and perhaps better in bed--was less important to me. I was more concerned with trying to hang on to my GF forever, to overcome my past and to finally "be a good BF"--and I hoped to live happily ever after as a good husband.

 

I never did cheat again, but she did a lot. As far as I know, all of her cheating, and none of my cheating, occurred during the marriage.

 

We got married in summer 2009, and I caught her cheating in March 2010. I discovered the cheating had started with her sending a Facebook message to him in November 2009, saying she had a "crush" on him. By the time I caught on, there were "i love you" emails and suggestions of a physical relationship, either in the making or already underway. She didn't stop. I kept catching her via GPS records, digital voice recorders I put in her car and our apartment, a keystroke logger on her laptop, and other things like that. So I filed for divorce.

 

The guy is over 20 years older than me and my wife, who is a year younger than me. He is married with two college aged kids. He is satan. (Although, she's the one who made promises and vows to me, not him.)

 

Anyway, she begged for counseling before divorce. Eventually in summer 2010 I agreed to go to a relationship counselor. I told him I could not be married to her because she cheated and I could not trust her to stop. He was more on her side. Eventually, she was diagnosed with a medical condition that only made me realize how much I loved her, and how badly I just wanted to be with her for the rest of my life, no matter what.

 

In summer 2011, we moved across the country. In late 2012 she started trying to get me to move back. In early 2013 she did move back. I was planning to stay working until I found a new job--hopefully never (I hoped she wouldn't either, and she'd have to come back).

 

In October 2013, I lost my job and my best option was to go ahead and move back across the country, but not before I checked her records, which ultimately made it clear that she was cheating again. For example, in 2013 she bought some lingerie and went to hotels with this guy. AND they were spotted in public together by a good samaritan who tracked me down and tipped me off.

 

Their affair is now ongoing and evidently physical. The trust is destroyed. She still won't even tell me when she got back in contact with him. She CLAIMS she did stop back in 2010, but won't give me any details as to when or how the affair resumed. That's really a slap in my face, because she's only withholding this information so I won't tell the guy's wife.

 

(The good samaritan tipped off the guy's wife too. She didn't file for divorce back in 2010, but she told me that, like me, she filed for divorce in early 2014. Her lawyer is seeking my wife's records and wants to take her deposition. The guy is not telling his wife any facts, and he's denying everything that obviously happened too.)

 

The moral of the story is: ??????

 

I'm torn between moving on and my love for this girl. I don't know what I'd say if she tried to get back together now. I do know that 99.99% of people would tell me to ditch her and make a fresh start for myself (this is my family's POV), and I know so much crap has happened that it may be impossible for us to ever function happily and healthily as a couple. Still though, everyday I miss her. I make excuses to communicate, texting her about divorce, insurance, movers, etc. Sometimes I ask her to tell me what happened--today for example--but she gives me NOTHING. Yet the prospect of being with her again and making it work are the only things that seem to make me feel happy or alive for the last few months.

Edited May 1, 2014 by 1michael

[fellini]

Well, you are the wrong person to be in here asking what you should do. She is the one who needs to straighten her life out now.

 

But for me, your relationship was toxic from go. And thats on you. Whats on her is sticking it out with you. I read somewhere that there are like a billion people on the planet.

 

Why not end your delusion that this partnership has a future, and go find one that will work?

 

Your attachment to this girl is part of your problem. You havent asked yourself WHY you strung her along while you lived the life of a serial cheater. You are so quick to admit guilt and talk about your exploits but listen carefully:

 

YOUR BIGGEST PROBLEM IS YOUR ATTACHMENT TO THIS GIRL WHILE YOU WERE SCREWING AROUND. Now she is doing your thing and you are still attached to her.

 

Let her go. But do it like a mature adult. Just end this madness. Somethings were just not meant to be.

 

She has her own issues to work on and they clearly do not revolve around you either.

Edited May 1, 2014 by fellini

[harrybrown]

Do yourself a favor. She is gone.

 

Start the 180, listen to your family. Go to counseling for yourself, by yourself.

 

She does not respect you. Again do the 180 hard.

 

Do things with your friends and family. Keep busy, exercise and take care of yourself. Make yourself a better you. All this cheating is toxic for any relationship.

[Tayla]

Two wrongs don't make a right. We learn thru example.

[man_in_the_box]

Ok this is just bollocks.

[BetrayedH]

Well, there's a lot here I could say but I'm going to refrain from most of it and just give my key thoughts.

 

First (and I'm only listing this first because it most addresses your question about what to do), it takes two to make a marriage work. If she's still denying, minimizing, lying, and carrying on an affair then you have nothing but a marriage on paper. When it comes to infidelity, I never recommend reconciling with someone that isn't truly remorseful. She's far from it. Although I don't actually recommend this in your case, your best hope for spurring true remorse on her part is to keep following through on your divorce and hope that the consequences of her actions cause her to change them. Trying to nice them back is almost always counterproductive.

 

Second, while I typically try not to blame anyone for someone else's actions and decisions, I can't help but think that your serial cheating ways just absolutely ruined this woman. You made bringing a third person into the relationship a standard operating procedure, did it repeatedly for nearly a decade, and tortured her with a combination of truth and deception. Her self-worth, pride, and esteem must have absolutely been in the toilet. I don't see how she could ever have had any faith or trust in you and she was probably horribly ashamed of herself for marrying you. I liken what you did to her as abuse. It's no wonder that she latched onto the affections of another man.

 

Let her go. Give her an amiable divorce. Be alone and heal yourself through tons of therapy. Hopefully your wife will eventually find healing for herself over time (she'll probably have to hit rock bottom first) but I don't think it's going to be with you.

[notserene]

I am wondering why the two of you got married in the first place.

 

You said you spent close to ten years cheating on her BEFORE you were married, with any woman who you could get to have sex with you?

 

[Davey L]

Is this real?

 

 

I don't see any chance and I think you should follow the advice of the others here and let her go amicably, without giving her a hard time.

 

 

I see nothing in your post that indicates that you actually love your wife - it's all about you and you wanting to keep her, nothing about what she might want.

 

 

One can only hope that what you have done will not give her problems in her future relationships.

 

 

Let her go. Apologise for what you have done to her, and wish her well for her future.

[Darren Steez]

Diseases. That is all I've got to say.

 

Yuck

[dragon_fly_7]

No comments other than do file for divorce and get both of you tested for STD.

 

Good luck in this dysfunctional so called ''marriage''.:sick:

[1michael]

Tough crowd.

 

Most of the things that most of you said make sense though.

 

FYI I filed for divorce January 2014, and we live in separate states now. Still, I can't stop myself from hoping or dreaming that I can do the impossible: repairing all the damage.

 

You're right, it does take two, to make a relationship. As it does to break one. I feel responsibility for her.

 

Realistically, I wake up daily knowing I won't achieve the impossible. I don't get a happy ending. And I am to blame--largely, if not entirely--for our relationship's descent. Can't I lift it back up then? "No," says the universe.

 

This leads to the sadness and/or depression, for which you tell me to find a therapist. I might, but either way I do not let go easily, if at all. I don't want to become bitter to all women or delude myself with hope for this one. But those are the only two options I have, or at least the only two I will probably pursue, if my life history is any indication.

 

Life just got a whole lot longer. In a bad way.

 

The only outcome I could be happy with, besides reconciliation and living happily ever after, would be if I realized she wasn't the one for me, and I met someone who I fell head over heels in love with--a real soul mate.

 

I don't think I will though. I'm too guarded to feel that way again, and I've never met anybody else who made me feel like I had such a purpose. Like it was important just to make them feel loved.

 

Of course, as you vigorously noted, what I did was not loving and was akin to abuse. What I did brought her down to the abysmal condition she is in. So obviously my love for her was bad, for her.

 

So that's the only thing I can tell myself, whenever I need to fight the urge to contact her or dwell. "She is $h*t now, and that is because of you. If you really love her, leave her alone so she can find peace and maybe happiness."

 

Then the other voice says, "No. He is $h*t. You are great. You can save her and you must!"

 

I'm pretty sure this won't be ending well for any of us.

Edited May 2, 2014 by 1michael

[fellini]

Tough crowd.

So that's the only thing I can tell myself, whenever I need to fight the urge to contact her or dwell. "She is $h*t now, and that is because of you. If you really love her, leave her alone so she can find peace and maybe happiness."

 

Then the other voice says, "No. He is $h*t. You are great. You can save her and you must!"

 

I'm pretty sure this won't be ending well for any of us.

 

That is not entirely true. You are not ENTIRELY responsible for who she has chosen to become, i.e. what she has chosen to do about you, for her.

 

You both behaved badly about your affairs. Later, she behaved badly in choosing the same path that she already KNEW was EXTREMELY PAINFUL from personal experience, said what the heck, what's good for the goose..

 

You do not own that. What you own (in part) is how you managed the entire relationship. How you also avoided dealing with the issues which got you where you ended up. A marriage is built. It is not a pre-paved highway that you ride along smootly and safely and then veer off at some point to see what things look like from a secondary route.

 

The point is it looks like neither of you wanted to work on anything, at any point, ever, for the good of the marriage. I would consider it counter production to pursue the line of argument that her affairs are entirely on you, least of which because it simply is NOT TRUE, the marriage is, her cheating is not. And so if you take that position, at some point you are going to realise you were wrong in thinking like that, and BAM, you will be back where you are now. Angry at her, angry at you, angry at lost years, angry, upset, betrayed, confused.

 

No one can say there is NO HOPE for the two of you. Dealing with your marriage as you have done, shows there is little hope for this marriage.

You both need to recover, you both need to find forgiveness for what you have done, you both need to put the past behind you and build an entirely new marriage together openly, honestly, and with passion. This is a tall order given what we have heard in this thread.

 

But NOT impossible.

 

Why not visit the web of Mort Fertel and see if something there interests you. He has a program called Marriage Fitness, and its an alternative to the "victim and trauma" approach that one usually finds here in LS and in typical councelling. Give him a shot. He has a whole series of online materials, and you can start by taking his survey and start to get some 35 emails with excellent ideas about how to move forward and get out of the past. There is plenty of free stuff. And if you choose to do the program, you can either do it with her, or apart from her. It doesn't matter. My WS has been asking to do this with me for months because she simply cannot work with "trauma" based approaches which continuously bring up the past and therefore keep "us" stuck in the affair. She wants a move forward and don't deal anymore with the A approach. I have agreed to try it once I move past the horror of 1st anniversary triggers and intrusions. He has both seminars and online stuff. It's worth a look.

 

And lastly, I want to remind you of what Michelle Langley has said: No one decision ever determines our happiness. We make our happiness. Whatever your are prepared to do, to put aside, to move past, this is where your happiness lies. NOT in changing other people. So you have every right to believe there is still a chance with her, but you need to address what you want, and what you need, at a genuine level, and not as some kind of reflex based on what she has or hasnt done for you.

 

Good luck with it.

Edited May 2, 2014 by fellini

[1michael]

I have had a couple relationships. I am being obsessive compulsively open and honest with my new relationships. My current relationship is very important to me, and I want to use the lessons from the failed relationship to succeed in the new relationship. I remain very concerned about my ex, as it seems she has destroyed her life (at least in her mind). It is hard, but I cut off contact with her before entering my current relationship.

 

I feel so guilty about all the bad things I did to my ex. I know that she will probably be fine (even better off) if she never speaks to me again.

 

How can I deal with my unresolved baggage with my ex, and my partial responsibility for the state of her life (she appears to be in pretty bad shape, on Facebook still listing herself as married to me, even as she remains living on the other side of the country in her ongoing relationship with satan), in a way that makes my new relationship stronger?

 

I know I was a bad person before, but I have stopped lying and cheating years ago. I do not feel resolved, however, and I think I need to do more to make amends, but my higher priority is doing what is best for my new relationship.

 

I think its best to just ignore the urge contact my ex with some encouragement, and I'm certainly not going to anytime soon, because my new relationship would not likely feel very encouraged by that.

 

What am I supposed to do.

[meandmycats]

Ok this is just bollocks.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but this had me laughing out loud, please excuse the thread jack.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I don't think you love her at all. I think you view her as some sort of possession that you are entitled to, and just don't want anyone else to have.

[Chi townD]

I have had a couple relationships. I am being obsessive compulsively open and honest with my new relationships. My current relationship is very important to me, and I want to use the lessons from the failed relationship to succeed in the new relationship. I remain very concerned about my ex, as it seems she has destroyed her life (at least in her mind). It is hard, but I cut off contact with her before entering my current relationship.

 

I feel so guilty about all the bad things I did to my ex. I know that she will probably be fine (even better off) if she never speaks to me again.

 

How can I deal with my unresolved baggage with my ex, and my partial responsibility for the state of her life (she appears to be in pretty bad shape, on Facebook still listing herself as married to me, even as she remains living on the other side of the country in her ongoing relationship with satan), in a way that makes my new relationship stronger?

 

I know I was a bad person before, but I have stopped lying and cheating years ago. I do not feel resolved, however, and I think I need to do more to make amends, but my higher priority is doing what is best for my new relationship.

 

I think its best to just ignore the urge contact my ex with some encouragement, and I'm certainly not going to anytime soon, because my new relationship would not likely feel very encouraged by that.

 

What am I supposed to do.

 

 

 

 

You're supposed to move on. Look, this relationship (I can't even call it a marriage) is way too toxic. You cheated on her and she cheated on you. There's no respect for each other anymore. It's time to move on. I mean, you two are in different states!

 

 

It's time to let go and work on you. I strongly suggest that you go to individual counseling to work through your issues and build from there.

 

 

Does it hurt to let go? Yep! But it hurts just as much as to try and make them stay.

[spanz1]

im confused. you cheated on her. then she cheated on you. sounds like a marriage made in heaven for the two of you:)

[TrustedthenBusted]

I also vote bollocks.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Honestly, after being cheated on for 10 years, she probably got completely to the feelings that come with affairs, never trusted you stopped cheating, and did the same because she felt you didn't care about her.

 

The whole staying married but moving to separate cities with both of you hoping the other would fail at your endeavors and then would have to come back together... So weird. That really makes absolutely no sense. You hoped she'd fail, she hoped you'd come but you had no plans to because you wanted her to fail, but ended up going yourself because you failed and figured what else could you do? I keep turning it over in my mind, that just doesn't add up. It sounds like a separation.

 

I'm fascinated by the thread title though... You cheated for 10 years, you're simply the "cheating BF," but she has one serious affair after you actively seek out every female with no drive of commitment and a vagina, and she's the "vengeful wife who cuckolded" you? Dude, you made an absolute idiot of her at every opportunity that presented itself, including what sounds like vacations with her... You exposed her to an entire Petri dish of diseases, it doesn't even say you admitted to her you did all of this even after the fact... She has one affair after you've demonstrated for a decade that you literally didn't give one solid poo about her or her feelings (which you admit), and you're all self-righteous and ready to chuck in the towel? And in all of this indignation over how her guy is married, I'm sure more than a few of the ladies who found their way to your nether regions were also married.

 

If she was a sweet GF who's now a "vengeful wife," there's only one person to thank for that... Let's be real here. You gave more consideration to the toilet paper you use to wipe your butt with than you gave to her, for an entire decade. Let's not act like now that you're on the receiving end of the same disrespect that this is all out of the blue and she's so awful.

 

The GPS tracking and the voice recorders and the James Bond garbage to catch her in what you did to her whenever you could, dubbing him Satan, it's all so petty it's insane.

 

Geez... You had sex with strangers in bathrooms without getting their names simply because you could... She had one affair with one guy in a prolonged relationship, then she went back to him after you guys moved away from each other and you gave her the parting wish of "hope you fail!"

 

You guys aren't doing yourselves any favors. Cut ties and move on now. She doesn't care now, but you didn't care for longer, harder, and show even less remorse for it.

Edited October 30, 2014 by Redheaded Mistress

[BetrayedH]

Has your therapist counseled you to consider making amends with your ex? In some circles (such as AA), one of the steps is to acknowledge our mistakes in front of those we have wronged and to offer a sincere apology, etc..

 

If this is something that your therapist endorses, your current GF may be supportive of it as a part of your person growth, particularly if you're fully transparent and forthcoming about it.

 

I do think there may be some healing and value in such a conversation with your ex. She may really value such an acknowledgment from you. Or she might not. Regardless, I think it would be an opportunity for you to exorcise some of your own demons. At least you'll be able to say that you tried. And perhaps that will help you to be able to move on.

[Zenstudent]

im confused. you cheated on her. then she cheated on you. sounds like a marriage made in heaven for the two of you:)

I'm going against the stream here and support this POV.

 

I think you should either stay together and sort your **** out with each other, or you should split and STAY single. It would be a brutal awakening for any other future partner to put up with the core values that both you and your wife display to the world.

[No Limit]

OP, there's no way to "make everything alright" again. Move on and push those feelings down instead of reliving them over and over. This isn't a Disney movie were a few loving words will solve all troubles like magic.